


Waterloo

by awesomemarrcus



Series: The Waterloo Saga [1]
Category: The Fosters (TV 2013), The Fosters (TV 2013) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Jonnor - Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-23
Updated: 2016-06-20
Packaged: 2018-05-15 17:19:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 73
Words: 251,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5793244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awesomemarrcus/pseuds/awesomemarrcus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Order, calm and discipline are key components in Jude's survival guide.</p>
<p>As a boy with hazel eyes starts at Anchor Beach, the oh-so-important peace is disturbed and decisions not fit for 16-year-olds have to be made.</p>
<p>*** Completed ***</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hazel

**Author's Note:**

> This story is rated mature for a reason. It may, or may not, have a conventional ending. You have been warned.

Standing in front of the mirror Jude is fixing his gaze upon his chocolate brown hair, letting his fingers carefully mold his hair exactly as it’s supposed to be. Short on the sides and each spike pointing the same way it’s been doing for at least a year.

Probably longer. Probably _way_ longer

Somehow his brain acknowledges that he’s way too good at doing his hair this way. For a brief moment he thinks that maybe he should consider changing it up but he pushes the thought aside and instead he takes one last look in the mirror and whispers “Like a pro..” to himself.

With a smile on his face he goes down the stairs to the kitchen to get breakfast. He takes his phone out of his pocket in anticipation of what’s to come. Just as he opens the fridge the phone rings.

He puts it on speaker without looking at the display before he puts it down and start making sandwiches.

“Hey Callie!”, he says with a cheerful tone.

“Heey little brother. How’s everything? Ready to go back to school?”

“I’m good. And you know I am,” he replies while finishing making his sandwiches.

“Yeah, I know, I know. Try not to get too excited. A 16-year-old shouldn’t like school as much as you do, Jude,” Callie says with a playful tone to her voice

“You know why I like it.” Jude replies matter-of-factly.

“Yeah... So Junior year. Time flies...” Callie trails off. ”How’s everything with Hannah? Can you guys still hang out without it being totally weird?”

“No problem at all. We haven’t really hung out in a while but I’m looking forward to seeing her and the rest of the gang today. “Jude replies like nothing can bring him down. Not even when his sister feeling the need to namedrop his ex-girlfriend.

“Ok that’s good...”  Callie replies with clear concern in her voice.

Jude cuts her off, asking, “So how’s Boston?” Before he takes a bite of his newly made tuna sandwich   

Callie doesn’t answer immediately but after a few seconds she replies, “It’s good, everything’s good. A bit chilly for my taste but I guess I knew what I was getting myself into.”

_For once_ almost slips out Jude’s mouth but he finds himself humming an “Mhm” instead.

“So… how’s everything with Phil?” Callie asks carefully.

“You don’t have to ask me that every time you call. Everything’s fine Callie. He left for work over an hour ago. He’s still making me do the chores. I don’t need to remind you there’s twice as many since you bailed.” Jude says jokingly

Callie says, and Jude thinks he can hear her soft smile as she says, “Ok. Just making sure.”

As Jude takes the last bite of his sandwich, he looks at his phone. “Oh gotta go sis.  Don’t wanna be late.”, he says with a hint of stress in his voice.

“You never are.” Callie replies, “Hey buddy... try to have fun this year ok? You can get good grades and still have some fun. You know that right?” she continues, clear concern in her voice.

Jude feels his stomach clench. His sister’s words taking some of the genuine good feeling of returning to school from him. As if it was entirely up to him. “Ye-Yeah sure. I know.”

“Hey Jude. 20 months to go.”

A soft smile returned to Jude as he replied, “20 months. Love you. Bye.”

“Love you too. Bye.”

Jude exhales as he hangs up the phone. Somehow his sister’s phone calls are both a relief and exhausting at the same time. A relief to hear from his only constant in this world. Exhausting to convince her that everything is acceptable in the home she left over a year ago to go and study. There’s no reason to worry her with his problems. She’s got enough on her plate, he reasons.

As Jude steps outside the sun makes an effort to warm up a surprisingly cold morning in San Diego. For a minute he considers getting a jacket but he figures his white long sleeve shirt have to do. As usual, he reaches the crossroad a few blocks from his house before anyone else.

<<<<<<< 

Jude knows he isn’t a popular kid. Being shy and not into the typical stuff boys his age are into… It didn’t do him any favors in the popularity contests. He didn’t speak more words than he had to and he rarely found himself in the least comfortable with other people except Callie and perhaps Hannah. Before the breakup that is.

However, over the years he met a few people that he now could call his friends. Most of them he had met through being an exceptional academic. Working in a project with Jude Jacob was a sure-fire way to get an A and everyone knew it. Jude knew that everyone knew it but it didn’t matter to him. It didn’t really bother him if some other student got an undeserved A as long as he got an A as well.

<<<<<< 

It takes a good ten minutes before Ashley and Jacob arrive hand in hand. Jude can’t help to think that they fit well together. With Ashley being tall for a girl, they are about the same height (roughly 5’9 Jude estimates), they have the same bronzed, latino skin tone and they are both pretty calm. A trait which Jude appreciates greatly.

They’ve been together for what seems like forever. Nowadays they are mostly known as the unity Jashlob. Jude snickers of the memory how Ashley and Jacob hated it at first. Jacob thought it sounded like the final boss in some horror video game. After a while the pair had to yield. The nickname was established.

They all light up seeing each other. Ashley greets him with a huge smile on her face, obviously happy to see him. Jacob starts going in for a hug but stops himself seeing Jude’s wide eyes. Instead he waves at Jude, super awkward of course.

“Hey man! Feels like I haven’t seen you in ages. You haven’t been to any of our games this summer. What you’ve been up to?”, Jacob asks curiously

“Nah I kinda didn’t want to go to the games since I knew Hannah would be there,” he says truthfully. “It still hurts, you know,” he lies.

Both Ashley and Jacob nod and gives him a look of genuine sympathy. “Yeah... sorry it didn’t work out between you. But you’re still friends right? We’re meeting up with them aren’t we?” Ashley continues.

“No problem at all. It’s been a rough summer but we’re both good now.”, Jude assures.

After a while Hannah and her best friend Madison joins them.  The two brown haired girls share a hug with Ashley and Jacob and greets Jude with smiles. There’s some tension when Jude meets Hannah’s eyes but they both smile reassuringly at each other and they all start walking to school.

“So Jude, how long did you have to wait for us today?” Hannah says with a smile on her face.

“Oh I arrived just before Jashlob so I didn’t have to wait long at all,” he lies for some reason. Jude notices that the pair doesn’t even react to their name anymore.

“Sounds fake but okay,” Madison replies instantly and they all start laughing. Jude forces a smile. 

<<<<<< 

Seeing Anchor Beach again made Jude happy. This place made sense. This place had a purpose. He knew exactly how to act and what to do here. Well, at least during classes. The gang split up and headed to classes.

First period was math. Jude was the first on the scene and took his place in the middle of the front row. The classroom started filling up and after a while the teacher, Mrs. Powers, entered the room. The chatter started to die down and Mrs. Powers smiled warmly seeing Jude and nodded in his direction.

Sadly, Mrs. Powers knew him better than most people as she’s been his math, physics and chemistry teacher for years. He knew she cared about him.

Halfway through the class Jude was starting to get irritated. They were still discussing orientation details even though almost all the students had been at this school for at least three years. He knew he couldn’t address it in front of everyone but it still bugged him.

When the class finally started Jude went on solving the math problems. Obviously he had already solved them once during the summer since he got the textbook before going on break.

When the bell rang Jude did as he did every year. He went up to the teacher and made it clear what grade he was aiming for and that he wished to be informed how to reach it. Mrs. Powers finally interrupted Jude’s rambling about how hard he’d work and how much getting an A means to him.

“Jude, stop. If you haven’t had a lobotomy this summer, I can almost give you your A already. I know it, you know it. Hell, I’m sure even the janitor knows it.” She smiles at him and he returns it, feeling calmer.

Before he leaves Mrs. Powers puts down her glasses and looks him in the eyes, giving him a concerned look, attempting to disguise it with a smile.

“And Jude... try to have fun this year ok?” The words stung Jude. Even though he knew that Mrs. Powers meant well. He didn’t think that even his math professor would find him uptight.

“Yeah... of course Mrs. Powers,” he gave her a fake smile and started to leave the classroom.  

“Good, Mr. Jacob,” she says clearly irritated

Jude gives her a more genuine smile “See ya, Abigail.”

<<<<<< 

The rest of the classes went on about the same way. Sans that the other professors didn’t give him any advice on how to improve his social life which he was grateful for.

During lunch Jude found his way to his usual crew, sitting at their usual table. Along with the guys from this morning, there was also Chris. Chris’s appearance was pretty much the exact opposite of Jude’s. He was tall, blonde and kind of muscular.

Chris was already boring the others, discussing soccer practice with fierce intensity. Being the star of the soccer team, and not much else going for him, this was nothing unusual. Seeing Jude settling down at their table made Chris stop mid-sentence

“Jude! Where’s my favorite nerd been all summer? I didn’t see you at any of our games. You know how disappointed that makes me and the cheerleaders,” Chris says with a wide smile. Chris is kind of a douche sometimes but he and Jude respects each other anyways for some reason. Only after a few moments, does he seems to realize something.

“Ah... that’s right, you two broke up...”, he says looking apologetically at Hannah and Jude. Sometimes Chris surprises everyone with actual thinking.

The conversation steered on about what everyone has been doing this summer. Ashley and Jacob had been to some festival out of state. Hannah and Madison had spent a lot of time together as both had a summer job working at Madison’s dad’s diner. Chris and Jacob had both been playing a lot of soccer.

Chris proudly stated that he had gotten to second base with ‘the hottest girl’ in all of California at a party while being really hammered. Sadly, she had magically disappeared while Chris went to the bathroom to throw up. Chris swore that he had searched for her for an hour. Suddenly Chris stopped himself and once again, surprising everyone at the table by connecting dots in his mind.

“Hmm... now that I think about it, maybe she disappeared... on purpose?” He says this, looking almost philosophical as he stares out the window.

“You think?” Madison snickers and that sends the girls and Jacob laughing. Chris joins them as well, not being completely oblivious after all. Jude smiles at them, enjoying the fact of just observing the others.

Hannah looks at Jude observing the others for a moment. Jude notices and Hannah gives him a comforting smile.

“So what you’ve been up to?” Hannah leans forward a bit trying and failing at having a more private conversation with Jude. Of course everyone heard her question and they all looked at him for an answer.

“Yeah what you’ve been up to Jude? Your dad still mak…”, Ashley starts playfully but stops when Jude gives her a look that can’t be misinterpreted.

“Sorry. Does your _foster_ dad still make you go to church with him every Sunday?”, She says with a lot less enthusiasm than before.

“Yeah he does. Every Sunday. Went yesterday. Much joy.” he says with clear sarcasm. The group grins and sniggers.

“Well Sundays always suck if you ask me,” Chris fills in while finishing his fries and the others agree.

The table looks a bit shocked when Jude starts talking again.

“The sad part is that I’m an atheist and I still think that church wasn’t the most boring part of my Sunday. As you can see, I neeeeeeed new video games.”

Everyone is still kind of surprised that Jude talked more than necessary but they start laughing at his remark. He can’t help to feel glad about the others laughing with him. Maybe this talking thing isn’t always that bad.

 

“Hey! I didn’t even tell you guys yet. Maddie is in loooove!”, Hannah says laughing.

“Shut up! You are a filthy liar, Hannah Tyler.”, Madison replies trying to look stern. “But he’s sooooo cute though.” she continues bursting out laughing with Hannah joining her.

“Cute? Your exact words were “My go.. god he has the hottest ass I’ve ever seen. My life goal is to eat…to eat Häagen-Dazs from those buns.” Hannah finally gets through saying the whole sentence while holding her sides laughing giving her best imitation of Madison. Madison has tears running from laughing due to Hannah’s excellent imitation and probably from fatigue from the first day of school.

“Oooh who’s the lucky guy?” Jacob asks curiously

“Some new guy in our English class. He had just moved here from... Arizona I think. Apparently he’s joining the soccer team so we will be attending all your matches and practices from now on. All of them.” Madison answers, sounding a little smitten just talking about him.

Chris suddenly joins the conversation, “Yeah coach told us about a new player joining this week who had moved here recently. Stevens... I think?”

”Yeah that’s right, Connor Stevens.” Madison replies with a goofy smile on her face.

Jude just smiles and shakes his head hearing about Madison’s most recent infatuation. There’s been quite a few over the years.

Jude takes a bite from his apple and opens his diet coke.

“Phew, thank god it’s diet coke Jude. You know with your massive overweight and all. Can’t believe you still fit on one chair,” Chris says jokingly.

Everyone laughs besides Hannah that casts a look of worry at Jude. Jude put on his best fake smile. It’s not lost to Jude that he's very skinny. His thin frame and height of 5’5 makes it very likely that he’s weighing less than all the other boys at Anchor Beach. Freshman students included.

While the others drift of in other conversations Hannah puts her hands close to Jude’s and looks him in the eyes. Jude appreciates the gesture and gives her half a smile as a thank you. Jude can tell that Hannah wants to say something, probably comforting, but is struggling with the words.

“Jude... you’re... you’re great you know that right? Just...  try to have fun this year ok?”

Jude doesn’t even have time to reflect over her choice of words when Madison starts to wail.

“Oh my god there he is… Just look at that perfect specimen.” Madison is... clapping her hands? Jude frowns at her strange ways but turns around with the rest of the table to see what the commotion is about this time.

Jude searches the cafeteria until he finds what’s gotten Madison’s attention. From the side all he can see is a boy of well-built stature wearing a red and dark blue plaid shirt tucked into some tight jeans that looks really good on him. _Looks really good on him? Where did that came from?_ Jude didn’t have time to further reflect. When the boy turned towards their table, his eyes immediately locked on to Jude’s.

Then it happened.

Jude can’t really explain it. Time froze. The boy known to him as Connor had hazel eyes that pierced through Jude like a sword through paper. Without realizing it Jude’s lips had parted and his breathing has ceased. Jude can’t honestly say how long they looked at each other. It could have been a split second or a minute.

Suddenly their eye contact broke. He couldn’t say who looked away first but as soon as one of them did, Jude had to take a deep breath. Was Connor even looking at him? Was he dreaming? What day is it even?

“Jude? Just try… Please?”, Jude could vaguely hear Hannah repeat herself as he was coming back to the real world.

Jude’s eyes followed after the boy with the golden brown hair who was about to take a seat. Jude gulped and said just above a whisper, mostly to himself. 

“Yeah... I’ll try.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 2: Turmoil" is up Sunday the 24th
> 
> Comments are always appreciated.
> 
> A big shout-out to verlore_poplap, since english isn't my first language her help has been invaluable.


	2. Turmoil

Jude drops the backpack on the floor the second he enters his house. He rushes to the bathroom and turns on the water in the sink. He takes a deep breath and splashes water in his face. Looking back at his pale reflection - his mind is racing. _What was that?_  
  
The incident from the cafeteria keeps repeating in his head. _What does it mean?_ One second he was having quite a nice time with his friends and in the next, his mind was blank. His hypochondriac mindset takes his train of thought towards some serious illness that struck him at that exact moment. But why did the image of those hazel eyes piercing through him keep returning?

 _Oh my god…_ Jude hides his face of embarrassment when he remembers what happened in class after lunch.

<<<<<< 

He was sitting at the front, as usual, following the professor’s argument and explanations about… what? Jude didn’t even know. And the thing is…Jude always knows. Always. He vaguely notices that Mr. Peters is asking the whole class for the solution of some problem. When he doesn’t get a reply he turns to Jude.

”Jude, can you please show the calculations on the board.”, Mr. Peters asks while exhaling and taking his seat. Clearly disappointed that no other student even tried.

Jude is drawn back to the present at the request and answers truthfully without thinking “Um… I don’t know the answer, Mr. Peters.”

The room goes silent. It’s like Jude told everyone he was pregnant or something equally mind-boggling. Mr. Peters looks at him like he’s turned into an alien. A Jashlob even.

“Seriously?” he says with the most questioning look Jude’s ever seen in his 16-year old life.

“Yeah… sorry, Mr. Peters.” Jude replies looking down and feeling very ashamed of himself.

“Umm… okay… That’s okay Jude…”, Mr. Peters gets up and moves towards the board, stopping two times looking back at Jude opening his mouth. He looks like he’s about to say something but he stops himself. “So anyway… the solution is as follows…”, Mr. Peters looks at his notes while clearly distracted by his thoughts. Jude wants to just disappear. If his desk was closer to the door, he would make a run for it for sure.

<<<<<< 

 _What’s happening to me?_ Jude exhales and slaps his face while once again looking into the mirror in his bathroom. He shakes himself from his daze and makes his way to the kitchen to start dinner.

<<<<<< 

At 4.30 p.m. sharp a car pulls up on the driveway. Jude takes a final look around the kitchen and nods to himself reassuringly. He takes the plates and start filling them up with food as the outer door opens and closes.

As the stout middle aged man with hair clearly greying enters the kitchen Jude fixes his posture and greets the man politely.

“Welcome home Phil, dinner’s served.”

“What’s this?”, Phil replies coldly while holding up Jude’s backpack.

Jude tenses up, he totally forgot about it while rushing to the bathroom to clear his head.

“So-sorry, I forgot. It won’t happen again. I promise” he says while looking at the floor fiddling with his hands. This wasn’t good and he knew it.

“You’re damn right it won’t. First day of school and you’re already slacking off? I don’t want to work all day and come home to a pigsty.” the man says sternly.

The fact that the entire house was cleaned impeccable by Jude was totally disregarded.

“Sorry.. It won’t happen again” Jude repeats, still not meeting the man’s eyes.

Phil sits down and Jude serves his plate before sitting down himself. They say grace and eat in silence until Phil asks about school, “So how was the first day, anything out of the ordinary happened?”

 _Yes._ “No. Nothing. Same as always. It was fun to meet my friends again though.” Jude replies smiling slightly at his last sentence.

“Oh yeah? The really good friends that never once came over this summer?” Phil snorts sarcastically.

 _I wonder why_ he thinks but he doesn’t say a word but his smile isn’t there anymore. Phil always knows how to make him even smaller than he already is.  

The rest of the meal is eaten in silence. It doesn’t bother either of them. They are used to it. This is normal for them. When Phil is finished, he leaves the room and Jude clears away the table. When the dishes are done he asks for permission to go to his room. Phil nods not taking his eyes from the screen he’s staring at. 

<<<<<< 

Jude forces his thoughts away from earlier today, not letting _those_ eyes distract him from doing his homework. Well it’s not really homework. It’s Jude solving problems and reading about stuff that the professors will ask the students to solve and read in a month or two.

He finds relief in his textbooks. They make sense. They have a purpose. He trusts himself and his actions completely when his mind is concentrated. It’s the only thing he _knows_ he’s good at. Well that and League of Legends of course.

Despite him being used to using his brain for many consecutive hours of the day this time something is somehow different. He feels more exhausted than he’s ever felt before even though he hasn’t done any physical activity.

After brushing his teeth and undressing to his briefs he lays underneath the covers starring at the ceiling of his room. This is not something new to Jude. What’s new is that he has absolutely no say at all in what his mind is thinking about. The hazel eyes that left him breathless. It’s all he sees. Doesn’t matter if his eyes are closed or not. _What does it mean?_

As the evening progresses, the feeling in his stomach went from bad to worse. Jude often worried. This was a fact. Another fact is that when his gut told him something was bad – Jude was always right. Jude’s lips start to tremble thinking about those eyes.

Saying he was worried was the understatement of the century. His gut didn’t tell him this was bad. It told him this was life threatening. _What does it mean?_ This thought kept repeating in his mind before he finally drifted off to one of his life’s worst nights of sleep ever.

<<<<<< 

The alarm went off 06.35. Five minutes after when Phil always leaves for work. Despite having no faith in God he always thanked him or her that Phil didn’t eat breakfast. He didn’t know which time he actually went to sleep but it feels like he hasn’t slept at all. He could barely get his slender legs off the mattress and onto the floor. 

Doing his morning routine, he couldn’t manage to shake the feeling that something was really off this Tuesday morning. Usually the best part of the day was getting to school but this time he wasn’t feeling it at all.

When fixing his hair, the strangest thing happened. He did it the way he always did it. Still it didn’t look good enough. He kept repeating the process but still he wasn’t satisfied. At all. Finally, he told himself that his fifth attempt was good enough. He just needed a haircut to make it perfect again. Hair was a serious business for Jude Jacob.

He put on his favorite long sleeved shirt, a blue one which matched his backpack. With a small knot in his stomach, he made his way out of the door and towards the rendezvous point.

<<<<<< 

Classes go better than the disaster that was yesterday. He’s already covered everything his professors are desperately trying to teach a bunch of uninterested teenagers. He feels calm going to lunch, looking forward hearing the gang ramble about whatever’s on their mind. It’s soothing.

Well it used to be soothing.

<<<<<< 

“So Maddie, is Mr. Haagen-Dazs onboard yet?”, Jacob asks the second everyone is sitting down. His excitement making it obvious he was just dying to say _“Mr. Haagen-Dazs”_. They’re all laughing. Well five out of six are laughing.

“Haha very funny Jacobie. Not yet but I’m working on it. I tried hitting on him first period but I don’t think he even realized it.”, Madison says casually. Hannah can barely keep from laughing.

“Yeah you were very subtle Maddie. I’m sure he had no clue.” Hannah says rolling her eyes still clearly trying real hard not to break out laughing.

“Haha, spill!”, Jacob orders

You could tell that Hannah was preparing for making another famous impersonation of Madison.

Madison already had her face in her hand resting on the table, laughing and looking embarrassed.

“So we’re sitting in class and HD is sitting a few seats from us and a row ahead.”, Hannah starts

“Oh my god, please don’t call him that…” Madison interjects while closing her eyes, shaking her head but still smiling.

“Aaaanyhow. Mrs. Smooth operator over here”, Hannah taps Madison’s shoulders as she’s turning from pink to tomato, trying to hide her face in her hand, “Well she decides to approach him. It went down a little something like this”.

 

Switching to her Madison persona Hannah continued ”So hey, Connor right?”. This poor boy looked up at Madison looking kind of startled, Hannah informed in her own voice. “Then ladies and gentlemen, after a few seconds of awkward silence, Maddie goes in for the kill.”

“Um… I... just wanted to say I really like your… belt”. Hannah switched to her own informative tone, “And then Maddie just turned around and returned to her seat. Actually she was running back.”

Maddie is laughing while banging her head on the table repeatedly.

Hannah is starting to laugh; she’s really struggling but after a while she manages to say “Best part is... he wasn’t even wearing a belt.”. Hannah can’t breathe. She’s looking like she’s having the best day of her life.

“I PANICKED!!” Maddie screams while laughing.

“You should have seen him, he looked so confused. Almost like a puppy that doesn’t know what’s going on. This is already a contender to this year’s best day of school.”, Hannah explains while drying her tears with a napkin.

The rest of the gang loses it and even Jude can’t help himself from laughing at Madison’s meltdown. That was until Madison started explaining herself.

“Everything was going fine. I was feeling confident. I was looking fierce. I knew exactly what to say. I had some soccer references prepared and everything. I had it under control. Then it hit me. After I addressed him and he looked up at me. I swear those hazel eyes are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. They should require a license or something. I panicked. Plain and simple.”

Jude suddenly found it hard to breath normally. Somehow his brain had forced him not to think about _them_ since laying in his bed last night. For sure some sort of survival mechanism he figures.

Now this unknown and unwelcomed feeling was back and he had to make a serious effort to cope and not leave the table to get some air. He was very careful not to let his eyes wonder around the cafeteria.  _God how pathetic am I?_

“So you had it under control until he looked at you, that’s what you’re saying?”, Ashley said looking unimpressed at Maddie. “Yeah girl you totally had it under control.”, she continues kissing Maddie on her head. Maddie switches between moaning and laughing over the embarrassment that is her.

Chris informed Maddie that Connor would be starting soccer practice today. Like a true gentleman and class act he asked how much money a picture of him in the showers would be worth to her.

The conversation drifted off to other topics and Jude remained quiet. As this wasn’t something unusual he could stay out of talking without it being awkward.

Even though definitely distracted by his thoughts he managed to avoid a disaster a la yesterday. He was able to focus enough to correctly answer the professor’s trivial questions.

  
<<<<<< 

  
When he got home he made sure his backpack was correctly placed in his room by his bed. Not wanting another confrontation from Phil he felt calm realizing the house was all in order.

Dinner went rather well and Jude retired to his room. His plans were to occupy his mind with some video games so he did just that. After playing some mindless zombie game for an hour his phone rang.

He smiled to himself when seeing the display, he picked up

“Hey...”

“Hey there… I know it’s been a while since I called but I… I thought that maybe it was okay now?”

Jude chuckled from relief, he didn’t knew how much he’d missed talking to her in private.

“Yeah… I think it’s okay now.”

”So Jude… why does it feel like I’m the one of us that needed time apart when I was the one that broke up with you? Shouldn't it be the other way around?”, Hannah needed to get that out of her before continuing the conversation.

“I don’t know… I’ve missed you.., missed _us_ being friends, like we used to be. I wanted to call you the day... after and just go back to where we were before… But I… I figured you needed time.”, Jude says nearly choking up from the lump in his throat.

“Yeah you… you were right. I needed time. And I hate and I love that you… you just knew that.”

The former best friends stay quiet for a while, just listening to each other breathing.

Hannah starts, “I was worried about you, you know… not hearing from you all summer. But I couldn’t call… I wanted but I couldn’t. Gah why was I ever so fucking stupid to make a move on you.”

“Please don’t swear. And I was stupid too… I could have said no. And summer was good. Don’t worry so much about me.”

“You were just being nice and being Jude. That’s why we were a couple for over six months… You didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I get that… now.”

“Sorry for being such a bad boyfriend… You do know it’s not you. It’s me. And before you start I know that’s the most cliché thing to say but it’s true… It’s me and… and my… issues.”, Hannah is one of very few persons that gets to see, at least a glimpse of, the real Jude.

“Well at least no one can blame you for using me for sex, huh?”, Hannah says with a clear smile on her face.

Jude snickers “Yeah… you didn’t get to see the beast unleashed.”, they both laugh feeling more and more comfortable with each other. Almost like old times.

After that the conversation became more casual. Taking baby steps towards what was so important to them both, having their friendship restored.

“Aaaah! Jude! I just remembered. Is it true that Mr. Peters asked you a question in class that you couldn’t answer!?”, Hannah sounded as shocked as his classmates did that day.

Jude grunted and burrowed his head in his pillow. As if he needed to be reminded of that. What good could possible come of it?

“Please tell me, is it true!? You know no one believes the students claiming you couldn’t answer the question? It’s already considered an instant Anchor Beach urban legend. They even have a nickname already, ‘The Judeases.’ You know, like Judas but with Jude?” Jude can tell that Hannah is really excited over the pseudo news spreading across the school.

“Yeah I got it… hilarious, ha, ha, ha. And yes. It’s true. It’s not that big of a deal, can’t we just drop it okay?”

Hannah squeals, _apparently not_ , “Oh my god Jude maybe you are human after all!”

“Yeah yeah, who would have known...”, Jude says dryly but he can’t help but smile over the fact that his friend finds it so amusing.

“Wait a minute! Was the question sports related?”

“I’m afraid not.”, Jude smiles again. It feels good to smile again. It’s been a while.

“Dang… I guess it will remain a great American mystery then.”

After a few moments of silence Jude speaks up. “Hey Hannah. Thank you for calling me. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to have you back in my life again. You are back right?”

“I’m back. And no Jude, thank you. Making this call is the best thing I’ve done in a long long time."

Jude relaxed even more from Hannah’s words. The inexplicable lump in his stomach was barely there anymore. His gut gave him a good feeling. He always knew that Hannah’s friendship was important to him. This night something told him it was maybe more important than he’d realized.

As the evening turned into an early night Hannah and Jude were about to end their over two-hour long conversation when Hannah asked him.  
“So… how’s tomorrow looking out, something interesting on the schedule?”

Jude takes up his schedule and skims through his Wednesday. “Nah it looks like a truly boring and uneventful day. Perfect if you ask me. All the time to focus on academics.”

Of course Jude had no idea of knowing that tomorrow would change everything. Tomorrow, Connor Stevens would enter his world in such a way that nothing in his life was going to be remotely the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 3: The calm before the storm" is up Monday the 25th


	3. The calm before the storm

Beep beep beep!

06.35. He turned the alarm off and got out of bed. It had been an intense week so far. The incident in the cafeteria that he still couldn’t explain to himself was bugging him to say the least. It was familiar, the chaos in his mind, so desperately seeking control.

His thoughts became invaded by a pair of eyes every chance it got but he was able to push it aside by pure force of will.

He kept thinking about his talk with Hannah. He could usually handle being alone but being alone all summer hadn’t been good. At all. _Ok Jude, e_ _nough of that. Summer’s over. Things are looking better than ever._

<<<<<< 

Meeting up with the gang went well. He didn’t even get stressed when after fifteen minutes he was still the only one there. Okay he was stressed out. If they all came right this minute they would only have like 10 minutes to spare if they walked in their regular pace.

He had his phone in his hand and considered calling Hannah to see where they were but he hesitated. He knew they would bug him for being so stressed.

After another minute he could see Ashley and Jacob strolling down the road and at almost the same time Hannah and Madison came from the other direction. He let out a silent sigh.

“Hey Jude! Don’t worry, we’ll make it,” Madison shouted from a distance.

“Like you care…” he muttered to himself.

When they had gathered and started walking to school Jacob started saying, obviously amused.

“Okay, you guys really missed something at yesterday’s soccer practice. I bet that Chris has had a rough night getting over it.”

“So the new guy, Connor, started training with us,” He continued.

“Please tell Madison that HD had the tightest shorts ever made. Please?” Hannah couldn’t help herself.

Madison just rolled her eyes but still blushed from the memory of Beltgate’15.

“Well it turns out he’s good. Like ridiculous good. Usually you have to see someone play a real game to know if they are good or not. Not with Connor… no sir. Our goalie David has a huge bruise on the palm of his hands after saving a shot from him. Not on the wrist, not on the back of his hand, the palm of his hand.”

“Alright so he’s _gorgeous_ and a soccer superstar. Why is that bugging Chris? He’s now considering a career as a soccer trophy wife or what?” Madison says.

Jacob explains talking slowly, as if he’s talking to a bunch of 5-year-olds.

“As I know you’re not 100 % educated in the fine art that is soccer I’ll give you the version for dummies. Our line-up includes one striker. Chris has always played this position. Connor also plays in this position, he told us from the start. Connor is obviously way better than Chris. You follow?”

“Oh my god, so super jock Chris Hyde might have to be on the bench?!” Hannah says in an over exaggerated worried voice

Jacob laughed, “Nah, he’s probably gonna be in the line-up but on a different position. But he’s not happy about it. Chris had no love over for Connor, that much was clear after yesterdays practice.”

Jude can’t help but think that soccer probably isn’t the only reason for his animosity. As usual he keeps it to himself.

<<<<<< 

Classes go well. He’s well ahead the rest of the class in all subjects. Last class before lunch is chemistry. Unfortunately, Mrs. Powers does not teach juniors otherwise his A would already been secured.

A new female teacher walks in that he hasn’t seen before. After her comes trouble... John and Scott. Two first class assholes. Since they were 12-13 they’ve found it amusing to pick on Jude for different reasons. Hopefully they miraculously have grown brains over the summer.

“Whoa look who it is dude, somehow he’s looking even more pathetic than before the summer!”John excitedly and loudly tells Scott and points at Jude.

 _Nope, no summer miracle here_.

Jude ignores them and looks straight ahead. He knows that when class starts they have to keep their mouths shut.

“So I heard Hannah dumped ya… Most. Expected. News. Ever.”They laugh.

John and Scott saying something about the breakup wasn’t all that surprising to Jude. And they weren’t even call him names or say something overly offensive. Maybe there had been a lesser summer miracle after all.

“Yeah I bet she couldn’t find a big enough strap-on to satisfy you with!”

_No. No miracle at all._

“Seriously guys? What the fuck? Grow up and let him be.” Some girls he doesn’t even know tells them, sounding fed up. I bet she has multiple classes with them, Jude thinks.

He can’t help to think why it always have to be boys. Throughout the years Jude has had a lot of bullies, he’s so used to it that he doesn’t even see them as bullies anymore. This Wednesday in September it suddenly occurs to him that it’s always been boys that come after him. Always. 

And then he wonders why it always have to be girls. Every time someone has stood up for him in any way it was a girl. Always.  _It's just... stupid._

<<<<<< 

After his standard talk after class with the new teacher he’s off to the cafeteria. He’s kind of looking forward hearing Chris whine about this Connor guy. Connor with the nice jeans and shirt and the... No not even thinking about them. Just going to lunch.

Chris is not happy. He’s not angry but it’s obvious that something is bothering him. He’s a lot quieter than he usually is.

Ashley, Jacob, Hannah and Madison are all looking at each other with smiles on their faces. After a while Ashley can’t wait any longer.

“So Chris… how was soccer practice? Did that new guy start training with you or not?”

“Yeah… Yeah he was there.” He mutters

“Okay… was he any good?” If Chris only looked up and saw the smirk on Ashley’s face…

“Yeah… He was okay. Maybe a bit slow. He seems to be kind of a douche though.”

“Oh Chris, come on he was not. He was the nicest guy ever. He even made an effort to remember everyone’s name and everything. He even complimented you, multiple times even.” Jacob had to intervene.

“That’s what I mean! No one is that nice without hiding something!” Chris sounded upset, which is unlike him.

“Chris Hyde…are you upset that Connor might take your position as striker on the team?” Ashley said teasingly. Jude couldn’t help but find it unnecessary to tease Chris when he was clearly bothered enough as it was.

“You told them? Can’t believe you.” Chris said looking at Jacob as he got up and left the table.

“Come on man we’re just teasing! Sorry bro’ didn’t mean for you to be upset… bro!” Jacobs words didn’t hinder Chris as he stormed off.

“Djeez what’s wrong with him?” Madison says when Chris is out of earshot.

“No idea, I mean a little teasing usually doesn’t bother him?” Hannah says

Jude tries to sit quietly. He usually doesn’t want to get involved but somehow…he feels the need to speak up.

“Have you thought about how important soccer is to Chris? You’re always joking about that’s the only thing he’s got going for him. Haven’t you noticed that he truly feels that way?”

The group is a little baffled over Jude’s mini outburst. Ashley, probably feeling a bit defensive, shot back.

“Well how do you know? I haven’t heard you say something about it?”

“No, I pay attention instead. You should try it.”, Jude immediately regretted his word vomit. _What’s happening to me_? He started to panic.

“Whoooa, shots fired!” Madison was laughing.

“I don’t know who you are or what you’ve done with Jude but I already like you.” Madison continued laughing.

Apart from Madison laughing the others were quiet. Then Jacob starts giggling, then Hannah joins in and after a few seconds Ashley starts smiling widely as well. Jude felt so relieved. He smiled carefully and mouthed a silent, “Sorry” to Ashley.

<<<<<< 

After lunch he was off to another math class with Mrs. Powers. Math was his absolute favorite. Math with Mrs. Powers was even better. She actually knew what she was teaching. Not that many teachers had the ability to challenge Jude’s logical mind.

The class started with Mrs. Powers handing out quiz papers. As usual Jude got his paper last. He knew it was a very different quiz than the others got. This time she had almost outdone herself. Some of the problems he couldn’t solve right away so he had to come back for them.

He noticed that she assumed he already had read the entire book as the problems required theorems that the rest of the class probably would not learn until March of April. She assumed correctly.

He still finished his test before all the others, feeling pretty confident that he got it all correct. Mrs. Powers had pushed him to finish his tests as soon as possible…just for sports.

Mrs. Powers collected the test and skimmed through his answers. She looked at him and shook her head and smiled saying “You are unbelievable…”As he gathered his things, ready to leave she said, “Oh I almost forgot, Vice principal Mrs. Adams-Foster wants to see you in her office.”

He frowned thinking _Already?_ But he just nodded to Mrs. Powers and headed to Mrs. Adams-Fosters office feeling good about the test.

<<<<<< 

“Come in!”

Jude entered Mrs. Adams-Fosters office, as he’s done on numerous occasions before.

“Ah Jude. Good to see you. How was your summer?” The Vice principal was one of Jude’s favorite people in the world. She had this warmth and calm about her that always made Jude feel good. He always, secretly of course, wished he had a mother just like her.

“It was fine Mrs. Adams-Foster but I’m glad to be back.”

“Jude… I love you kid but if you call me that one more time I swear I’ll make sure you’ll get a B+ average.” She tried faking a stern look.

“You… you can’t do that.” Jude looked hurt, clearly missing the obvious joking tone.

“No… but don’t tempt me to try.” She smiled at him making sure he got it was a joke. She forgot for a minute that you can’t joke about these things with Jude Jacob.

“Sorry… Lena. I’m stupid.”  Jude smiled but felt a bit ashamed that after all these years he still couldn’t take a joke about his grades.

“You are very far from it Jude. That’s why you get sent her so often.”

He smiled as a thank you. God he loved to be back in school. He’s smiled ten times as often these first three days of his junior year than all of summer.

“I want to thank you once again on a personal level for all the help you gave Jesus last year. I know it’s not easy to teach a student with...concentration issues but you did a very good job. You know he actually passed all his classes?”

“No I didn’t but I’m glad to hear. I really liked being at your house…” he trailed off suddenly remembering something and felt bad.

“Sorry that I asked you to lie for me. To my foster dad. I know you didn’t like it… I don’t like it.”, He almost got emotional right there and then. It was one of the bad memories. The only bad memory he had associated with Lena.

“Jude, every time we talk you apologize for this. I’ve told you that it’s fine. I know you’re not like him.”

Jude still can’t meet Lena’s eyes.

As so many times before, Lena’s heart aches for the small boy in front of her. How she hoped that things had turned out different for him.

“Hey… I hope that you know that you can trust me. With anything. If you need to talk, I’m here.” Lena knows by now that Jude won’t talk to her about anything too personal. He always clams up. But she has to try. Always.

They sit there in silence for a while. Lena’s conversations with Jude are so different from the conversations she has with other students. Her motherly instincts always kick in but her professionalism keeps her from showing it too much.

“So… why am I here?” Jude asks

“Oh right! Well as you know, usually it takes a few weeks before a student is so far behind that he or she needs tutoring.”

Jude nods. Extra-curricular activities in form of tutoring is one of his favorite things to do.

“Well this time a student needs your help right away so he doesn’t get any further behind.”

“Okay, I have no problem with that.” Jude replies

“Good! I knew I could count on you. It’s a new student that has just moved here from Arizona...”

_No no no no no no no no no no_

“His former school had some… interesting ways of looking at academics. For example, if you’re the star of the soccer team you don’t have to know math. At all.”

_No no no no no no no no no no_

Jude started sweating. His gut told him to escape. Now. Jude started looking around. Could he leap through the window? How bad can it hurt? His breathing was shallow and he felt sick.

“Jude… Jude!” Lena snapped her fingers in front of Jude.

“Umm… sorry. Got lost in my head. Listen I don’t th…” Jude starts

There’s a knock on the door and it opens up. Jude’s sitting with his back turned to it. But he knows. Somehow his whole body knows. His gut says _“Okay I tried. See ya.”_ and jumps out the window.

Lena looks up, “Oh good, we’re just talking about you, take a seat!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 4: Brown eyed boy" is up Tuesday the 26th


	4. Brown eyed boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here he finally is, the other protagonist in our drama.

He’s in front of the mirror that he hung up only two days ago. He notices that it’s not hanging quite straight but it’s close enough. He fixes his thick golden brown hair exactly as it’s supposed to be. This is a procedure that he knows all too well.

Still, this day felt special. Guess he wants to look his best for the first day at his new school. He wasn’t starting a new chapter in his life with bad hair. Hair was a serious business for Connor Stevens.

He pulled on his jeans. They had gotten tighter since he bought them. He had gained quite a lot of muscle in the last year. Where they too tight? He checks his butt in the mirror _. Nah, I’m good_.

He buttons up his red and blue checked flannel shirt over his tank top. He takes a last look in the mirror before shouting.

“Okay mom. I’m ready, let’s go!”

<<<<<< 

“You got everything with you?”

“Yes, mom.”

“You got all the textbooks for the day?”

“Yes, mom.”

“You got your lunch with you?”

“Yes, mom.”

“You got your training gear with you?”

“No, mom.”

“WHAT!?” Mrs. Stevens is about to hit the brakes when Connor starts laughing.

“Sorry, mom I had to do it. Of course I got it with me.”

“God, you almost gave me a heart attack...”

“You always do that.” Connor snickers

“What?”

“You ask me if I have everything with me, and even when I say I do, you ask about every single thing. It’s just… funny.”

“Well excuse me for wanting your first day to go smoothly. Remember that we’ll go straight to the gym after school. We don’t want us moving here to interfere with your training.”

“No… we wouldn’t want that, would we.”

Mrs. Stevens glares at her son, “Don’t get smart with me… You’ll thank me when you’re competing in the World Cup.”

They pass a group of teens obviously on their way to school. Connor gets a glimpse from the side of a small brown-haired boy that seems deep in thought while his friends are laughing about something.  
  
His world slows down for a brief second…before his mother causes it to start spinning again.

“So honey, we’re here. Be on your best behavior. Remember you’re meeting with the vice principal about getting your grades back on track.”

“Yeah I got it. Thanks for the ride mom. See ya at 3.” Connor gets out of the car and starts walking towards his first day at Anchor Beach. Of course he didn’t know what awaited him. Maybe he would have stayed in the car and kept going, if he did.

<<<<<< 

Connor orientates his way towards his first class. He notices that some of the students are looking at him but being the new kid, this was to be expected. He caught the eye of a red haired girl that smiled while looking at him from head to toe.

Connor wasn’t oblivious that his training had made him look... well attractive, he guessed. He wasn’t used to it though. His appearance has changed quite a bit only in the last year. He even got his first real girlfriend only six months ago. A month later his parents told him about the move to San Diego. Bummer.

Connor found his classroom. First period was English. Not his favorite subject. Well the only subject he actually liked was P.E so this wasn’t something surprising. At least it wasn’t math.

Connor found a seat and tried not to draw attention to himself. He didn’t like being the new kid. He was used to knowing everybody.

“So listen up, we got a new student joining us today.”

_Damn._

“Mr… Stevens I think? Why don’t you introduce yourself?” The English professor looked at Connor while nodding.

Connor stood up and tried looking around the classroom meeting as many eyes as possible, just as his mother had taught him.

“Hi, my name is Connor Stevens. I just moved here from Arizona. Well… not much to say. I like playing soccer and video games.”

“Are you single!?” A slightly chubby dark skinned girl at the back shouted.

Connor blushed, “Yeah… heh, yeah I am.”

“GOOD!” The same girl shouted and the rest of the class laughed.

“Jesus Christ Sarah, the school year has lasted for… three minutes and you’re already like this?” The professor said already sounding tired, clearly used to Sarah’s ways.

“Oh three minutes is all I need baby.”

 _Jesus where have I moved to..._ Connor thinks while taking his seat.

<<<<<< 

Class went… okay. With any luck he might even pass this one. That’s always a plus. The only slightly interesting thing that happened was when Connor bent over and picked up the pen he dropped on the floor. Five seconds later, laughter erupted.

The source was two brown haired girls that just couldn’t keep it together. He could almost swear they were talking about him the way they kept looking in his direction. _Weird._

<<<<<< 

Next class was physics. Now this was plain out trouble, he sucked at everything involving calculations. In his last school it was so much easier. As long as he showed up during the classes he’d pass. The principal was a huge soccer fan and that gave quite a few perks to Connor.

As he arrived outside the classroom he was greeted by two guys wearing varsity jackets. They were clearly on the soccer team. They both looked as if they were taken right out of an episode of Jersey Shore. Orange-tinged skin, a lot of gel in their hair and weird jewelry hanging all over the place.

The only thing missing to complete the look were some shades. The fact that they were 100 % Caucasian somehow made the look even more peculiar.

“Hey bro’ you’re the new guy right?” the shorter and slightly chubbier of the two greeted him.

“Umm yeah. I guess. I’m Connor. You guys on the soccer team?”

“Yeah dude we sure are! Cool man, coach told us you’d start tomorrow.” the other one said.

“Yeah welcome bro’, I’m John and this is Scott.”

“Thanks. So this is physics right? Hate to be at the wrong classroom on my first day.”

“Yeah yeah, you’re at the right place. Hey you should sit with us. We’ll give you the survival guide to Anchor Beach.”

Even though these two guys weren’t exactly giving him BFF vibes he gladly accepted. Some friends were just what he needed to help him from feeling lost.

Sitting at the back of the class they could talk without their professor hearing. John and Scott took great pride in being the ones to ‘educate’ Connor about the do’s and don’ts at Anchor Beach.

“So man you single?”

“Yupp. Broke up with my girlfriend just before moving here… we figured a long-distance thing wasn’t going to work out anyways.”

“No problem bro, trust us, being single rules. You get to screw a different chick every time and you don’t have to listen to all the bitching and go to like family dinners and crap like that. That’s why me and John are rocking it solo.”

 _Yeah. Probably the only reason why._ Connor can’t help thinking.

The more he hears John and Scott go on about which girls are the best fucks and which dudes are the biggest assholes he’s realizing how little they have in common. He tries to steer the conversation towards soccer. John and Scott actually knows a thing or two about this, much to Connors surprise. Maybe they aren’t so bad after all.

When class is over the trio parts but not before John and Scott puts out their fists towards Connor. He looks at them raising an eyebrow, not sure what to do here.

“Dude, brofist!”

_Oh God, tell me they are joking._

“Brofist man!”

_They are not._

“Bring it in man!”

Connor reluctantly pounds his fist against theirs while both Scott and John exclaims “Boom!”

_Is this real life?_

Connor heads to the last class before lunch. Being lost was starting to look really good right now.

<<<<<< 

After surviving the final class before lunch, Connor was starving. He headed towards the cafeteria. Maybe he could find someone interesting to sit with. If all other things failed there were always John and Scott, he figured. If, all other things failed.

After buying some milk, his mother insisted, he was getting ready to find somewhere to sit. He scouted the quite crowded cafeteria.

As he looked around he saw some students from classes earlier today. There were those two brown haired girls that were laughing and probably talking about him earlier. They were looking at him for some reason. His eyes wandered on.

Then it happened.

His eyes found and locked on to a set of deep brown eyes that was looking straight at him. Everything was put on hold. He couldn’t for the life of him look away. The eyes belonged to a younger looking cute boy. _Cute boy?_ Connor looked away. He thinks. Or maybe the other boy looked away.

He didn’t realize he was holding his breath until that moment. _What the fuck was that?_ Connor tries to compose himself. His eyes flickered around the cafeteria, at all cost avoiding anything near those brown eyes.

He saw John and Scott sitting and waving at him. God he never thought he would be so glad to see those two again. All other things had officially failed. Connor must still have looked shocked as John said with a burger stuffed in his mouth.

“Bro’ you look like shit. You seen a ghost or something?”

“Yeah… something like that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 5: Special" is up later today.


	5. Special

“So Connor, what position do you play?” He vaguely hears John say. Well he thinks it’s John.

“Umm... sorry what?” Connor asks, wakening from his daze.

“What-position-do-you-play? You know, soccer?” Ah it was Scott. Same same. 

“Umm yeah… okay… I’ve always played as a striker” He finally pulls himself together.

“Ooooh… you better be good man if you want to take that spot here at Anchor Beach. Chris Hyde is our best player and he will not give up that spot without a fight.”

“Well I don’t want a fight. But, soccer is important to... me, so I guess it will be up to the coach. And yeah, I’m pretty good.” He hadn’t even considered the possibility of another player taking ‘his’ position instead of him.

As John and Scott rambles on about some girl they wanted to get in bed Connor notices movement in the corner of his eye. Like a reflex, he turns and sees him from the side. The boy with the brown hair and eyes is leaving the cafeteria. He’s quite short and skinny. His skin is almost fair. Like porcelain.

Connor’s eyes follow him as the boy leaves. When he’s out of sight Connor notices that once again he was holding his breath. He needs some air. Now.

“Sorry guys I have a meeting with the vice principal. See ya.”

“Later bro’!”

Connor sprints away, not giving them a chance to ask him for another ridiculous brofist or God knows what. His meeting with the vice principal isn’t for another twenty minutes but he needed to get out of there.

He walks out of the cafeteria and… wow. He’s standing right on the beach and it’s breathtaking. Quite different from the school back home, he can’t help thinking.

He walks along the beach trying to gather his thoughts. It’s been an intense first day. The looks he’s been given, that vocal Sarah girl, Scott and John and… that incident at the cafeteria just now.

 _What the fuck was that? Who was he? Why did it feel so… special? Special? What the fuck is wrong with me?_ He shakes his head and checks the time on his phone. Almost time to meet the vice principal.

 

<<<<<<<<<<<<<  


“Come in!”

Connor enters the Vice principal’s office. _‘Lena Adams-Foster’_ it said right on the door.

“Hello, you must be Connor. Take a seat please.”

Connor instantly got a good feeling from the beautiful woman sitting behind her desk. Her dark skin glowed and matched her curly hair perfectly. She radiated warmth, Connor thought.

“My name is Lena Adams-Foster but you can call me Lena.”

“Okay.” Connor didn’t really know what to say. He found the reason for this meeting to be quite embarrassing, truth be told.

“So as you know you had to take some tests a few weeks ago so we could determine which academic level you were on.”

“Yeah, I remember.”

“Yes… and as you know you are a little behind in some subjects.”

“Mmm… I got that.” Connor was feeling ashamed. Something Lena picked up on.

“Well, the good news is that you will not be for much longer. If it’s ok with you I can arrange for someone very special to tutor you?”

“Special…?” Connor found her choice of words peculiar.

“Well he is the best student we’ve had for… well ever. He’s been tutoring other students since he was 13. Sometimes even students in higher grades than him. So yeah, he’s special.”

“Umm… yeah okay, sounds good. So how do we do it?”

“Well I haven’t actually asked him yet but that’s just formalities. Jude has never turned down a chance to get extra-curricular credits.”

Lena checked the schedules.

“Okay, I think this will be the best solution. You have Chemistry after lunch on Wednesday, come by my office after that and I’ll introduce you to Jude.”

“Wednesday. After Chemistry. Got it.”, Connor gets up from his chair and is heading to the door when Lena stops him.

“Hey Connor…”, he turns around and nods. Lena is clearly debating in her mind what to say.

“Yeah… as you are new at Anchor Beach there’s probably some things you should know about Jude.”

Connor looks at Lena with a blank expression.

“Like what?”

Lena bites her lip, obviously still deciding what to tell him.

“Well… I shouldn’t really say this but Jude is one of my favorite students… I care greatly for him.”

Connor looks at Lena, not sure if this is crucial information for him.

“But Jude has anxiety problems. He often gets stressed and he doesn’t really know how to react when being pressured…”

Connor can tell Lena’s most likely not telling the whole story but as she’s not continuing he simply replies.

“We all got problems. So I won’t pressure him?”

Lena smiles, “Good… and please don’t tell anyone else about what I just said. It could be misinterpreted.”

“Of course not, thanks for telling me.” Connor returns the smile and heads for the door again.

“One more thing Connor. Jude doesn’t like to be touched.”

“Okay… wasn’t really planning on touching him but I got it. No pressure and no touching.” Connor gives her a wide smile and opens the door.

<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor found his conversation with Lena to be a bit odd but he was grateful that he would be tutored by some kind of genius. He didn’t like feeling stupid. Maybe moving to San Diego wasn’t so bad after all.

The rest of the day went on well. He had to introduce himself a few more times but he wasn’t nearly as nervous as this morning.

After his last period Connor headed to the parking lot to go with his mom to the gym that she had scouted out weeks ago. Today was leg day which he hated but he knew it was necessary.

Half way towards the parking lot some familiar voices shouted after him.

“Hey Connor, wait up bro!”

Connor knows that he should be grateful making friends on his first day but these guys just gave him bad vibes. Like child murderer bad vibes.

“Hey Scott, Hey John, what’s going on?”

“Dude, glad we caught up with ya. We’re going to get spray tans, wanna tag along?”

“Spray tans?”

“Spray tans dude. They’re the best.” John nodded and smiled looking… proud?

“But we live in California?”

“Umm… yeah?” Both answered at the same time

Connor looks up at the sky. Not a cloud in sight.

“It’s 85 degrees’ guys?”

Both Scott and John looked at him like he was speaking Latin.

“You know what. I’m good. I’m going to the gym. My mom is actually waiting for me.”

“Alright bro’, another time!”

Connor just smiled, turned around and walked towards his mom’s car. _These guys can’t be for real…_

<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The workout at the gym went well. His mom was perhaps extra hyper in pushing him but that wasn’t something he couldn’t handle by now. When his muscles were sore and his t-shirt was soaked in sweat she finally gave him permission to call it a day.

_My mom actually gives me permission not to work out. I’m almost 17 and my mom is in fact running my life. Jesus fucking Christ how did it come to this?_

<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

As Connor laid in his bed after his first day at Anchor Beach his mind went through all the events of the day. Thinking about it, it actually went quite well. He talked to some people that might turn into friends, he talked to some people that he hoped wouldn’t turn into friends.

His academics would be getting back on track thanks to this boy genius and Lena. He already liked her a lot. His mind avoided the incident in the cafeteria as long as possible.

What had happened? It was just some boy looking right at him. He didn’t even know him. It was just some random boy. _Lie_. Why did his brown eyes keep returning as an image, clear as day, in his mind? It didn’t matter if his eyes were closed or not, he could still see them just as clearly. Something about them were just… special.

<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor Stevens haven’t had a more confusing first period in his life. It was once again English with the same students as the day before. As he was doing some grammar exercises he suddenly hears a voice.

”So hey, Connor right?” It was one of the brown haired girls from yesterday.

Connor was caught off guard so he just looked up and looked her in the eyes. He thinks he nods but he can’t be sure, it all happened so fast.

Suddenly the girl’s facial expression changed. She looked stressed.

“Um… I... just wanted to say I really like your… belt”.

And with that she turned around and walked very quickly back her seat. He just sat there with a blank expression. After a few moments he realized what she had said. Looking confused he looked down. _Nope, no belt._ If that was her best attempt at flirting she was in trouble, he smiled to himself.

<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Waiting for second period to start, he overheard an interesting conversation between some girls.

“You are lying. I don’t believe you.”

“IT’S TRUE. He didn’t know.”

“You are telling me that boy genius. Mr perfect grades. Mr haven’t ever given a wrong answer. Jude Jacob. Didn’t know the answer to a question that, of all people, Mr. Peters, asked him?”

Connors interest peaked hearing the name of his tutor to be.

“I swear to God honey”

“You got it on video?”

“What the fuck do you think? You think I sitting in class just randomly taking videos of Jude answering questions? Of course I don’t have it on video, stupid bitch.”

 _Whoa, that escalated quickly_ , Connor thought for himself.

Seeing as the other girl didn’t even react to her rant he gathered they were close friends, used to talking to each other like that.

“You are so full of shit Megan. Receipts or it didn’t happen.”

“Well you can ask anyone in class. Ask Mr. Peters for fucks sake. Hell if I care whether or not you believe me.”

Connor found it amusing that the fact that this Jude, supposedly, didn’t know an answer would be news worthy. If he couldn’t learn from this kid, he was a lost cause he thought.

<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

As Connor was heading for soccer practice he actually felt a bit nervous. He knew he was good at soccer but meeting his new teammates was a big deal. He wanted to make captain so he was set to make a good impression. He was planning to be extra nice to this guy Chris that apparently played ‘his’ position.

Meeting the team went well. He made a point in trying to remember all the names. There was this latino named Jacob, Chris was blonde kind of muscular and of course the orange duo Scott and John.

He had a hard time keeping from laughing when he saw their skin tone. It looked horrible. Just horrible. He was welcomed by the rest of the team, he tried extra hard to remember as many names as possible.

Practice went very well. He was on top of his game and if he could say so himself… he didn’t really have any competition from the other players. He regretted one thing though. The goalie, David, asked him multiple times for Connor to show him his best free kick attempt. He knows he shoots really hard and accurate but he was reluctant to show off on the first day.

Somehow David convinced him. So he did. He was kind of shocked how good David was as he leapt really far and saved the ball with both his hands. He noticed that David made a face. _God damned Connor why couldn’t you hold back just a little..._

<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Wednesday came and Connor was actually looking forward meeting his tutor to be. He noticed that he was behind in most of his classes. Coming to think about it, maybe it wasn’t such a great thing that his former principal was a huge soccer fan after all.

He hadn’t seen the boy with the porcelain skin and the brown eyes since Monday. He didn’t know how to feel about that. Relieved or disappointed? Both? Strange.

After chemistry he walked towards Lena’s office. He repeated what she had said in his head. No pressure and no touching. _Oh my god, do I shake his hand? Is that touching? Okay Connor relax, it will be fine._

<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor knocked on the door and entered Lena’s office. His eyes are instantly drawn to the back of the head of the boy sitting in the chair in front of Lena’s desk.

_Wait a minute, isn’t that..._

_Uh-oh._

Lena looks up from her desk, “Oh good, we’re just talking about you, take a seat!”

_Uh-oh._

Connor moves slowly towards the chair beside the one that the brown haired boy is sitting in. He notices that the boy hasn’t moved an inch or said a word since he entered the room.

 _Maybe it’s not him. He could just have the same hair style or something_.

As Connor sits down he turns his head to the left and sees the boy clear as day.

_Yup. It’s him. Fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright I think 12k words in a Jonnor fic without Jonnor is enough, let's wish the boys well.
> 
> "Chapter 6: Boy meets boy" is up Wednesday the 27th


	6. Boy meets boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, our boys meet (for real) for the first time.

Jude’s petrified.

Just two minutes ago his body was in absolute calm.

Teaching another student is among the things that Jude likes best.

It’s the only time that Jude knows that the other person finds their interaction to be more embarrassing than he does. 

But that was two minutes ago. Since then Lena had informed him who his new pupil was. Before he had time to back out of the pending disaster, said boy had already entered the room.

Jude felt his heart beating out of his chest and he felt drops of sweat making its way down his back. His breathing was shallow and for some reason he put all his concentration into staring at Lena’s desk lamp.

It was a really nice lamp. Black, dust-free, Lena must have dusted it off only momentarily. It had a nice design to it.

_Maybe I can buy a lamp just like it? Yeah… I should really ask Lena where she bought it. I wonder if it’s expensive. Maybe if I can ask Callie for it for Christmas? I wonder how Callie is doing? Probably good. God Callie is great, it will be so nice to see her for Christmas. I have to buy her a nice present, something she’ll really like. Maybe a lamp?_

“Jude!”

“Umm… sorry, what?”

“This is Connor, I’ve been trying to introduce you but you seem pre-occupied.” Lena said with a hesitant tone, looking concerned.

At the corner of his eye he could perceive a figure sitting on the chair next to him.

“Sorry.” Jude said barely above a whisper still looking somewhere at Lena’s desk.

“Yeah… Hi… I’m Connor, nice to meet you, Jude.”

In all the chaos going around Jude’s mind he finds a momentarily relief in the fact that the boy on his right isn’t sticking his hand towards him. _He’s perfect. What?_  

“Hi… I’m Jude.” Still looking anywhere but at Connor.

Lena is observing the “conversation” between them. Why isn’t he even looking at Connor? By now Lena is very used to Jude’s anxiety but this… this is something on a whole other level. Never has she seen Jude react this way.

Still silence.

Jude’s looking ahead and Connor seems really uncomfortable also but at least he’s glancing at Jude. Why is this so awkward?

“Umm… have you two already met?” Lena asks looking between them.

“No.”

“No.”

Both of them answer her in unison the nanosecond she’s completed the sentence, not missing a beat.

“Okay… well as I was saying Connor, we were talking about you. I’m happy to inform you that Jude has accepted to tutor you this year.” Not calling them out on the fact that they obviously weren’t telling her the whole truth.

 “Oh that’s great. Thank you Jude, I really appreciate it.” Connor says sincerely, glancing at him.

“No problem.” Perhaps the most untrue sentence Jude’s ever spoken in his life.

Lena finds it somewhat strange that Jude’s still not looking at Connor. _What’s going on in that beautiful mind of his?_ As they didn’t seem to be able to steer the conversation forwards she continues.

“The subjects that Connor needs most help in are math, physics and chemistry. These are the one’s you’ll study the rest of the semester as he’s so far behind.”

“Yeah man, you don’t know what you’ve gotten yourself into trying to tutor me.” Connor says snickering, trying to ease Jude and remembering the talk he and Lena had earlier.

_You can say that again._

As the room once again goes silent Jude can feel Lena’s eyes on him, knowing he’s expected to say something.

“I can get a monkey to pass those subjects, you’ll be fine.” He blurts out as he’s about at 10 % brain capacity at the time.

Lena’s eyes widen as she sets her eyes on Jude, clearly not very impressed with his choice of words.

Connor’s laughing

“That’s good to know, maybe I got a shot then.”

Jude goes from terrified to smiling as he hears Connor’s laugh. He wants to hear it again. It sounds beautiful. _A laugh sounding beautiful, really Jude? What’s going on with me…_

Connor gets a warm feeling in his stomach as he sees the corner of Jude’s mouth give away a small smile. He still can only see Jude from the side as he’s stubbornly looking straight ahead.

“It’s of course up to you two how and when you two study together. Jude, as usual you have exclusive access to ‘your’ study room during school hours, you still got the key right?”

Jude nods.

“Good. And Jude naturally this could ensure you a higher grade in those subjects as teaching Connor takes out of your own study time. Not that it’s ever been needed. I don’t even know why I say this every year.”

Both of them smiled. Connor is realizing more and more that having Jude as a tutor is something to appreciate. The panic from before almost entirely gone. Almost.

“Okay… that’s really all there is to it. Your classes start in 10 minutes so you better get going. Make sure to make up plans right away since there’s much work to be done.”

For the first time since Connor walked in, Lena believes that Jude actually might not drop dead any second. She thinks he might even be breathing again.

The two of them got up from the chairs. Jude’s looking down at the floor and follows Connor out of Lena’s office.

Connor’s nervous and he really doesn’t know what to say but as Jude’s not saying anything and is still looking down he realizes he has to take initiative. _He’s probably just super shy._ While walking from Lena’s office towards the class rooms he starts.

“So… I got soccer practice this Saturday and afterwards me and my parents are going on some San Diego sightseeing tour. Getting to know the area you know… But my Sunday’s free, maybe I can come over and we can get started? If it’s ok with you of course…”

Jude didn’t know what to expect. All his efforts go into not freaking out about this situation. _What situation? I’m tutoring some jock I don’t even know that’s just moved here. For once get a grip Jude._ As he’s about to reply his glimpse of confidence is gone once again. He’s not ready for this, at all.

“Hmm… Sunday. Can’t. Church…” _I can’t even form sentences anymore…_ He bites his lip that he’s so awkward.

 _He got church all day?_ goes through Connor’s mind but he doesn’t say it out loud since Jude apparently don’t want him coming over Sunday. _Ok don’t push him Connor…_

Connor thinks for a few moments and decide that maybe it’s better if Jude decide when the time is right.

“Okay bummer… I mean it’s cool you go to church but bummer that we can’t hang out. I mean that we can’t study.”

 _What was that?_ Connor obviously can’t trust his words around this boy.

“Yeah… sorry.” Jude replies

“Can I get your number?” Connor asks, not wanting it to sound quite as much as a cliché pick-up line

_Not again._

“I-I… mean can we get each other’s numbers. So we can stay in touch and decide when we can study. If that’s okay with you? You got a phone right? I mean it’s cool if you don’t…”

_Just stop fucking talking, you’re making it worse._

Jude smiles again. For some reason he’s never been so nervous in his entire life, and that’s saying something when you are Jude Jacob. But he can’t help himself from smiling for some reason. Even though his gut is probably still laying outside Lena’s window, bleeding to death…so no help there.

“Yeah, I got a phone. We can do that.” He replies while biting his lip and starring at a very interesting point on the wooden floor.

Connor pulls his phone from his pocket, unlocks it and fiddles on it a few moments before handing it over to Jude.

“Here, type in your number and I’ll text you so you’ll have mine.”

Jude takes his phone and starts typing in his number, when he’s almost done he sees that Connor has named him “Genius Jude”. He smiles but deletes the Genius part and gives the phone back to Connor.

Connor got that warm feeling back in his stomach again seeing Jude smile. It’s a beautiful smile. _A smile that’s beautiful, who are you even Connor?_

They stand in silence for a moment when panic is about to strike Jude.

The bell rings.

The bell rings and Jude is not sitting on his seat in the front of the class. This has NEVER happened before and Jude panics. He’s literally got lost in time kind-of-talking with Connor.

“I need to go, I’ll be late!” Jude says loudly and starts running towards, what Connor assumes, is Jude’s classroom.

“Okay see ya Jude, thanks once again!” Connor shouts after him just before Jude disappears around the corner.

Connor exhales as he pushes his back against the lockers. His mind is racing as his mind and body are both giving him mixed signals. He’s nervous. He’s anxious. He’s… smiling? Weird.

After a few seconds Jude comes around the corner running even faster than before.

“Wrong way?” Connor asks as Jude is passing him.

“Wrong way!” Jude shouts already half-way through the corridor.

Yeah. Connor’s definitely smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 7: Dejavu" is up Thursday the 28th


	7. Dejavu

Jude is panting as he’s entering the classroom. He hadn’t even had time to reflect on what class it was. As he took in the surroundings it really shouldn’t come as a surprise to see Mr. Peters sitting behind his desk.

The reaction he got was a familiar one. The room was buzzing a second ago and now it was dead silent. All eyes were on Jude. Mr. Peters sitting with wide eyes and slightly gaping. Jude looked down and headed for his desk at the front. Looking apologetically at Mr. Peters he said quietly “Sorry…”

Nobody said a word. Jude felt like crying. He hated the attention. Hated it.

Just before he was about to break down a welcomed and familiar voice from the back of the classroom shouted.

“Jude my maaaaan! I’m so proud of you! You’re officially turning into my padawan!” 

It was Daniel. That Daniel was in class was nothing short of a miracle. Daniel is the definition of a slacker. He rarely attends, when he does he’s always late (except for today of all days, apparently) and he never pays attention.

But he was funny and well liked so he got away with it somehow. He and Jude had even talked a few times. Daniel was easygoing and mostly calm, not hard to see why Jude felt relaxed around him.

The rest of the class laughed. Even Mr. Peters smiled slightly, the first time Jude’s seen him doing that. Jude was very thankful that the silence was broken and that class could start without all the attention being on him.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The rest of the school day went on quite uneventful. Daniel had asked him after class if he was okay and they joked about his tardiness.

During the walk home from school Jude couldn’t help thinking about all the events of his first week as a junior. It was only Wednesday and already he had almost already experienced more than he could handle.

The major cause of the chaos wasn’t lost to Jude, it was the boy with the hazel eyes that now got a name, Connor.

What Jude didn’t know was why everything went from wrong to right and from right to wrong around Connor. Or maybe he did. No he didn’t. It was super strange and he was sure it would pass. Just anxiety from the first school week and a weird interaction at the cafeteria. _It would pass_. _Yupp._

When he was a few minutes away from his house he heard a buzz in his pocket. He took out his phone and saw he got a text from an unknown number.

“Hi J! Sry 4 making u late 2 class. Let me know when u got time 4 your apprentice, genius :) /Connor”

While reading Connor’s text Jude’s face went from smiling to grinning widely. He allowed himself to think that tutoring Connor perhaps isn’t the worst thing that’s ever happened to him.

He will spend a lot of time with him and that makes him feel good. _Feel good? What’s wrong with me? Snap out of it._ Yeah this ‘thing’ would surely pass. Any minute now.

As he was approaching his house and walking up the porch he stops outside the outer door. He hasn’t really read the sign on the door in a long time but this time his body and mind forces him to.

_This house and its residents belong to the Lord. Sinners, beware._

Jude swallows hard. His fantasy of happiness being pushed back to a place in his mind that he can hardly reach anymore. _It has to pass…_ he reminds himself.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude makes an even bigger effort than usual in tidying the house. Avoiding confrontation with Phil felt crucial this day.

Jude and Phil barely speaks during dinner besides saying grace. Jude is thinking about bringing up that he’s already tutoring another student but stops himself. It can wait a day or two. Hopefully they can study at Connor’s house so Phil doesn’t even have to meet him.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

After returning to his room his phone buzzes laying on his bedside table. He picks it up, it’s from Hannah.

“JUDE JACOB DO I HAVE TO ARRANGE AN INTERVENTION?”

Jude’s confused by the text, at first not quite understanding what she’s getting at.

_Oh my god, really? Already?_

“Our school seriously needs a proper scandal so you can have something interesting to talk about.” He sends back.

“lol. watching a movie. we’ll talk tomorrow you outlaw.”

Jude shakes his head smiling at her text.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Walking to school Thursday morning Jude of course gets interrogated about why he was late to class. His friends seem very amused and… happy? about the ‘news’. He just says that Mrs. Adams-Foster held him in her office a while too long talking about tutoring students.

As usual Madison calls him out on it with her trademarked “Sounds fake but okay.” He doesn’t mind, as long as he doesn’t have to explain himself further he’s more than happy.

Jacob reminds, mostly Madison it seems, that the soccer team has an open practice this Saturday.

“You know, if you want to drool over Stevens in shorts.” He teases.

“Yes! That’s my kind of Saturday!” Madison says laughing. Clearly excited but not taking it too seriously. Jude’s always liked that about Madison, she doesn’t take herself too seriously. If he wasn’t close friends with Hannah maybe they would be closer.

“We should all go. Jude and Hannah, what do you say? Ashley, you’ll be there too?”

Ashley nods and Hannah agrees that it would be fun. They all kind of turn to Jude, knowing he hasn’t attended anything soccer related since he and Hannah broke up.

“Yeah… maybe.” He says deep in thought, not sure if it’s a good idea.

“Come on Jude, like you have anything better to do man.” Jacob insists

“I said maybe. Okay?” Jude meet Jacob’s eyes, irritation in his voice.

As Jude rarely retaliates in any way Jacob knows when to back off.

“Yeah, sorry man... We’ve just missed you there that’s all.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Classes goes well and according to plan. Studying all summer has paid off and he’s way ahead in all his classes. He figures he needs to be so he can help Connor as much as possible.

He’s thinking about how far behind Connor is. I mean could it possibly be a challenge to make him pass? What if he’s a complete moron? _No, he’s perfect. Not a moron._ _GAH. Not again..._

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude’s the first one to their table. He packs up his lunch and waits for the other five to join him. As he looks around the room he sees Connor on the other side talking to some girls before sitting down with them.

Connor’s looking really nice in a red sweater and the same jeans as he had on Monday. His stomach clenches at the sight. Jude don’t know why. Or maybe he does. No, he most certainly does not.

“Hey Jude!” Madison and Hannah are the first on the scene shortly followed by Chris. The four of them make small talk until they are joined by Jacob and Ashley.

They are all eating and talking about whatever. Of course Madison can’t go too long without mentioning Connor, God bless her.

“Oh my god I swear that Stevens is getting hotter by the day. I want to frame those jeans and make blood sacrifices to that ass. It’s actually quite distracting to have classes with him.”

“Jesus Maddie you talking about blood sacrifices this time of the month is really disturbing.”

“Ooooh... grose Hannah…” Ashley says, closing her eyes and furrowing her brows.

“Whatever, he’s hot. I wonder what he’s like if you talked to him. Can’t say my first attempt qualified as talking.”

“Well I bet he’s stuck up,” Chris says clearly still not quite over not being the school’s best soccer player.

“No, he’s nice.” Jude says and takes a bite from his apple.

“I don’t think he’s stuck up, he seems nice in class and he alwa… what did you say?” Madison stops herself joining the others looking at Jude wide eyed.

“Yeah. How do you know?” Hannah asks sounding surprised

“I’ve talked to him. He’s nice.” Jude says casually, taking another bite of his apple.

“You’ve talk to him? To HD?” Hannah repeats herself

Jude gives her a disapproving look.

“Yes, I’ve talked to _Connor_. I’m tutoring him in some classes this semester.”

“Jude. Darling. You do realize that this is information you should hand out, like instantly? It’s what normal people would call conversation worthy.” Madison is not playing around.

“Well, sorry. It didn’t seem important.” Jude says while rolling his eyes.

“Oh my god you guys! Our little Jude is growing up! He’s not paying attention in class. He sassed at _me_ yesterday. He’s late for class. Now he’s even rolling his eyes at us. I think I’m gonna cry.” Ashley says looking like a proud mother watching her only child getting married or something.

“Any day now he’ll even swear. That would be the mindfuck of all mindfucks.” Jacob fills in

“Please don’t swear.” Jude replies coldly just barely able to keep from smiling.

“Oh maaan it’s not fair. I know you don’t like being called a genius Jude but god damned what I wouldn’t give to be the genius tutoring Stevens. The things I would show him…” Madison drift away looking dreamingly at the horizon.

Hannah has to comment on Madison’s last rant

“…would probably scar him for life.”

The gang laughs and Jude feels comfortable not being the center of attention as the conversation goes away from Connor to something irrelevant.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

After school Jude is sitting in his room doing his homework. Well, not homework. Jude’s version of homework. In math he’s actually been starting to solve problems that are meant for Seniors. Still being the first week of his junior year, even Jude feels kind of proud.

At the back of his mind Connor still comes up. Even though he’s only looked him in the eyes one time and that was three days ago, they are still so clear to him. He knows he can draw them like a picture if he wanted to. Every angle and eyelash down to the last detail. He knows the exact shade of his hazel eyes. _J-U-D-E. Snap out of it, now._

Jude literally shakes his head to clear it. Unfortunately, there’s one other thing that’s concerning him. Tomorrow’s the first time in a long time that he’ll have to endure it. He hates it so much.

Speaking of the devil, his phone rings. He checks his display and is relieved to see it’s Hannah.

“Hey”

“Hey what’s up, you doing ok?”

“Yes, why shouldn’t I?”

“Jude, please. I saw your schedule and I know you got P.E. tomorrow and I know you. So please, you doing ok?”

Jude is torn between being embarrassed and being glad for her concern. At the same time, he’s a bit irritated that she’s not minding her own business.

“Yeah I’m ok, I just hate P.E. it’s not THAT big of deal. So I’m not into doing sports, is that so weird?”

Hannah had been too frank.

“No, no. Of course not. I just know that P.E. is one of your _issues_ as you call them. Just making sure you’re ok. Sorry.”

“No problem… thanks for asking. Hey I’ve forgot to ask. Do you know if anyone else from the gang has P.E. tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure both Ashley and Chris are in your class tomorrow. So that’s good yeah?”

“Yeah that’s good. I mean Chris will probably be busy impressing the teacher but I can always hang with Ash I guess.”

“You are both on the same level when it comes to sports so I think that will be a good match.” Hannah says while chuckling.

“You do know that Madison will try to use you tutoring Connor to somehow get closer to him right? She’s kind of obsessing. She’s seriously considering buying binoculars that she can use during soccer matches and practices. Okay maybe not seriously but the thought has crossed her mind. It’s bad Jude.”

“Well she’ll get no help for me. I take my job seriously. Not something she can relate to.”

Hannah giggles.

“Oh what happened to sweet innocent Jude… you never used to say things like that before. I like it though so please don’t stop.”

“Sorry… don’t tell her I said that.”

“Don’t worry I won’t. And don’t be sorry. She would love it if you said it so she heard. She loves sassy Jude.” Hannah still smiling.

“Night Hannah, see you in… 9 hours.”

“See ya Jude, sweet dreams.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude had mentally prepared the whole day for third period. As he walked towards the soccer field where class would take place he got that familiar feeling in his stomach.

The lump grew bigger and bigger. He's got many bad memories from this place. Being small, awkward and bad at sports isn’t the best combination being a boy.

He walked with Ashley, as they approached the field Ashley said a temporary goodbye as she walked towards the locker rooms. Jude went to the bathroom before continuing to the bleachers.

Jude just wanted one thing. He didn’t think he was asking too much. He was thinking about asking God but it seemed a little hypocritical so he avoided it. _Please please please no Scott and no John, no Scott and no John_ he kept repeating in his head.

The girls were starting to come out of the locker rooms. He knew almost all of them but he really only spoke to Ashley. As he spotted the boys coming out he was relieved to see that Scott and John were nowhere in sight.

“So Jude are you as ready as I am to like totally make goals and running and… throwing?” Ashley said as she approached him.

“Yes, totally. You know I’m thinking about going for a sport scholarship this year.”

“Yes, me too!”

They both laugh and Jude is happy to have an ally that’s equally interested in this ‘class’. Jude felt ok considering he was about two minutes from having his first P.E. class of the year. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all.

As coach Michaels approached the class he noticed there was someone trailing him. As the figure was mostly shielded by coach Michaels husky body he or she wasn’t really visible.

But Jude knew. How couldn’t he had seen it? You must be a complete idiot not to assume and predict it. His life was too easy as it was, of course it was.

There was Connor Stevens, in full soccer gear. Socks and bandana included.

“Oh look, it’s HD.” Ashley leaned in and said with a smirk.

“Ah would you look at that. Cool.” Jude tried to sound casual. Probably failing miserably.

Jude looked at coach Michaels, and coach Michaels only, as he explained how today’s lesson would go down. They could choose between playing soccer or different track & field sports like long jump, high jump etc. Jude was definitely not playing soccer.

As the students that choose soccer walked towards the field he thinks that he sees Connor looking at him from the corner of his eye but he doesn’t dare to turn his head.

As the soccer players started the match Jude and Ashley did some half-hearted attempts at some long jumps. They mostly laughed at how bad they were at this. As Ashley was talking to some of the other girls Jude started spectating the soccer game.

Watching Connor play was a thing of beauty. He was fast, he was strong, he had superior technique. Jude noticed that Connor even made sure to include all the players in the match, not just the best one’s which usually is the case when players from the school’s soccer team played with the mere mortals.

Connor looked amazing. His legs were muscular but at the same time he moved smoothly and agile. From a distance Jude could see the veins on his forearms. His hair was sweaty and the bandana was starting to get soaked.

As Connor was chasing after the ball he was getting close to where Jude was standing. Jude couldn’t take his eyes away from him. The way his body moved and the way the fabric of his shirt and shorts stretched against his muscles.

Connor reached the ball just before it went over the sideline. He was standing about 10 feet away from Jude when Connor raised his head and looked Jude straight in the eyes.

Apparently, lightning does strike twice.

Jude’s mouth opened slightly without he realizing it. His eyes looking back into those beautiful hazel ones. Jude couldn’t tell if his heart was beating out of his chest or not beating at all. He had no clue.

In that moment, there was only Connor. The concept of time wasn’t really invented in Jude’s world right now. A moment like this, he’d never experienced before… well okay Monday’s interaction was pretty close. But this, this felt stronger in every way.

As Connor stopped the ball he already knew who was standing not far away from him. Nevertheless, or perhaps because of that, he had to look up. The adrenaline pumping through him made him act on instinct.

He looked into those deep brown doe eyes and just as had happened four days ago, he was transfixed. The game of soccer long forgotten. Connor’s lips parted and his heart was beating out of his chest. He knew because it was the only thing he heard.

How long they stood there just looking at each other, gaping and looking terrified, neither could tell.

As Connor was about to speak, even though having no idea what to say, something came out of nowhere and made him fly what seemed like 20 feet. Their gaze broke as Connors body was violently hitting the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 8: Insight" is up Friday the 29th


	8. Insight

“TREEEEEE”

Coach Michaels blew his whistle.

“Whoa there, better keep your head in the game Stevens.” Chris said after just having completed a hard tackle against an unprepared Connor.

Jude was still frozen to the spot. Just coming out of his daze he needed a couple of moments to get back to the world that didn’t consist of only Connor’s eyes looking at him.

Connor groaned as he lay on the ground holding his leg. Clearly in pain. Before anyone knew it coach Michaels were kneeling beside him giving him aid.

Chris seemed to realize that he had taken it too far when his adrenaline started to leave his body, the tackle being much harder than intended. He approached Connor and kneeled on the other side of him from coach Michaels.

“Fuck. I’m sorry Stevens. Didn’t mean to go in so hard. Fuck. Shit. Sorry. Fuck.”

“Language Hyde. Having said that, that was fucking stupid of you. What the fuck were you thinking!?”

Connor was still laying in pain, grinning badly. After a few moments the most immediate pain seemed to have resigned and Connor started to breath in a regular pace.

“Fuck. Sorry Stevens… Man. I’m really sorry… fuck.”

Coach Michaels gave up on correcting him.

Connor said between deep intakes of air.

“It’s alright… I’ll be fine. Just, take it easy man.”

It looked like a ton off weight went off Chris’s shoulders. He still looked concerned and the guilt was still there.

“Okay I’m going to take Stevens to the nurse’s office. Hyde you’ll help me carry him. Rest of you – class dismissed. Good job everyone.”

Jude was still standing in his spot just observing passively as Michaels and Chris helped Connor towards the nurse’s office.

Ashley came up beside him, having witnessed it from further away. “Wow, that was intense.”

Jude took a much needed breath.

“You think...”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The conversation during lunch was mostly about what happened at P.E. Chris felt really bad and kept repeating what an idiot he was.

Jude wasn’t saying anything. He was still processing the _incident_ and was deep in thought. He could pick up that the other one’s were agreeing with Chris being an idiot. As they left for classes he ended up walking with Chris as their next classes were right next to each other.

Jude had wanted to say something to Chris for some time now but wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do. After today he felt he had to. He could see that Chris wasn’t feeling good, at all. Maybe hearing someone who understood him a little bit better would help.

“Fuck Jude… you know I’m sorry right? You weren’t saying anything…”

“Please don’t swear. And I know you’re sorry… I also think I know why you… well why you’ve acted like you’ve been doing this week.”

“What do you mean?”

Jude hesitated for a moment but continued after looking around to see that their conversation was private.

“I think… No I _know_ you like Maddie. Like that.” Jude said matter-of-factly.

Chris didn’t say anything. He looked like he was about to protest but he resigned.

“Djeez man… is it so obvious? Thought I hid it well enough.”

“Well I don’t think anyone else knows so you’re doing a pretty good job. If you can call it a good job doing that.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I just think… it’s better if you tell her. I don’t think it’s healthy to hide your feelings like that.”

Jude stopped as he was about to enter his classroom. Chris continued walking, turned around and looked Jude in the eyes.

“No, I guess not. You would know… right?”

Chris kept his gaze for a second before he turned back and walked into his classroom leaving Jude speechless.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

What a difference a week can make. It took five days to turn Jude Jacobs world around. As he was laying on his bed thinking about everything that had happened he had a hard time processing all the events.

To think that a week ago he didn’t even know who Connor Stevens was. Now here he was, invading all of Jude’s thoughts.

How did it come to this? He didn’t even know anything about him really. Why was he acting like this, did he want a new friend? Did he see a possible soulmate? He had no idea what he wanted out of Connor. Or maybe he did. No he didn’t.

It was really confusing as his body alternated between hurting and being excited thinking about _him_.

As he was laying and thinking he couldn’t get his last conversation of the school week out of his head. The one with Chris.

_“You would know, right?”_

What did he mean by that? Jude hoped… Jude really hoped he wasn’t talking about _that_. Thinking about what Chris meant didn’t give him mixed emotions. He felt sick just thinking about what he _could_ mean by it.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Flashback, about 3 years ago

_“Leviticus 20:13! If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination! They shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them!”_

The assembly cheers as the older man at the podium shouts loudly at the masses. Phil is sitting beside Jude at the middle of the church. Phil, and many others, is screaming at the top of his lungs.

_“AMEN!”_

Jude is sitting very still. His hands are shaking but he hides them inside his jacket. He swallows down a huge lump as the minister at the front continues his speech. He doesn’t dare to make a single noise. He tastes blood in his mouth before he realizes that he’s been biting his bottom lip until it cracked.

 _“Leviticus 18:22!_ _Do not practice homosexuality, having sex with another man as with a woman! It is a detestable sin!”_

Some older woman at the front stands up and shouts something Jude can’t really hear but apparently it pleases the crowd as they cheer her on.

The minister waits until the cheering subsides before speaking again.

_“Even though it’s undeniable that this sinful behavior is mocking our good Lord this plague continues to scorn our land!”_

_“They are talking about equal rights!? Is it a right to SIN against our Lord? Never!”_

As the minister continues his rant Phil screams so loud that Jude gets scared just by the volume.

_“KILL THEM ALL!!”_

Jude escapes his mind and shuts down. Closing his eyes, he forces himself to imagine being in a different place.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Returning to his bedroom he shrugged from the memories of that day. He wished it was the only one but he had quite a few similar ones. Callie was spared the same treatment but Phil insisted that Jude had to attend all church activities. He thinks he once believed in God. Before the accident. Before Phil. Before everything. It seems like a long time ago. It seems like another life.

Jude was sixteen now. He had hit puberty quite late, at fourteen. Of course he had had… thoughts before that. He was taught at an early age from church and Phil that all… unpure thoughts were bad. Thoughts about other boys were, of course, unspeakable of.

Problem was that Jude had them. He had at an early age found other boys cute. It was not until he was about 10 that he understood that was a bad thing. So he kept it for himself after that.

This had rarely been a problem before. Jude thought that everyone sometimes had those feelings. At least that’s what he told himself. 

Pushing the feelings aside and back wasn’t really that big of a problem, just an… temporary inconvenience. Jude was fifteen going on sixteen when his closest friend Hannah asked him to be her boyfriend.

It felt so good being ‘normal’, it made sense for him to have a girlfriend. Almost all the other boys were currently dating girls or had previously so it was only natural for him to get one. He liked Hannah. He even liked her a lot. He hoped that his feelings for her would deepen, develop into a crush, whatever that meant.

Unfortunately, he never started to like her in that way and it wasn’t fair to Hannah. If she hadn’t broken up with him he would have had to.

So here he was. Those feelings that hasn’t been hard to push aside was now impossible to ignore. What a difference a week can make. He knew what it meant when he saw Connor four days ago. Well he didn’t know it then, but now he did. If he was being honest with himself, now he knows.

That doesn’t make him any less terrified. He knows that he still has to push the feelings aside. His life probably depended on it.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The sound of buzzing from his phone brings him from his thoughts. He picks up the phone, his heart skips a beat. It’s from Connor.

“Hey genius, u up?”

Jude checks the time, 9 pm. _Wow, he thinks I’m asleep at 9 on a Friday night. Someone’s obviously talked._ Before Jude had time to reply he gets another text.

“Its Connor btw, the apprentice :)”

“Hi, I’m up. How’s the leg?”

“Hurts like a bitch.”

Jude smiles and nods to himself.

“I can imagine. Will you be able to play tomorrow?”

“Nah Im supposed 2 rest it a few days but ill survive.”

Jude thinks about what to reply for a few minutes, then another text comes from Connor.

“I was thinkin, u think u got time for me next week?”

Jude exhales… he can do this.

“Yeah I think so. How about Tuesday?”

“Perfect! Got practice @ 4 how about 5.30?”

Jude’s breathing gets more shallow. A fluttering feeling in his stomach.

 _“Okay it’s a date”_ _delete delete delete_. _Idiot._

“Ok. See you around. Sorry again about the leg.”

Connor types in a reply, Jude gulps and stares at the last text of the conversation for at least 15 minutes.

“See ya. And no problem. It was worth it :)”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 9: Worth it" is up Saturday the 30th


	9. Worth it

_Aaaah! I did NOT just send that._

Connor puts his pillow over his head and muffles his screams. He’s screaming but he’s smiling. He’s smiling so fucking wide. His face is so red that he could be mistaken for a stop sign.

_I am so screwed. I am so screwed. God why can’t I stop smiling? You’re screwed Connor, so screwed._

_Maybe he didn’t know what I meant? Yeah that sounds legit. I’m good, nothing’s screwed. He doesn’t have a clue. Clue about what exactly?_

_What did I even mean? It was worth getting injured just to look him in the eyes? Was it? It really was. What, why?_  
  
He thought he could stare at those dark brown doe eyes the rest of his life without being bored. He got a glimpse of them on Monday. He freaked out. He didn’t know then what it meant. Now he did. After today he did. His body told him clear and simple.

_So what if I find a boy cute, that doesn’t make me… that. He’s beyond cute though… he’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid eyes on._

Connor shifted between getting butterflies from thinking about their moment earlier today and between genuinely being scared what it… _could_ mean. He laid a long time in his bed alone with his thoughts until finally drifting off to sleep feeling conflicted.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude was standing in his briefs in front of his bathroom mirror looking at himself. He’s never liked his body. He didn’t look like a man. He looked like a boy. His ribs all clearly visible. He was so thin that you could see his abdominals, but not in the way a body in good shape shows of abdominals. He traced his fingers from below his right chest down to his belly button.

He raised his right arm and tensioned his bicep. _Pathetic._ _How could anyone ever be attracted to me? Hmm… how many hot blind people you think there are?_

Jude shakes himself from his thoughts. _Maybe I should start working out? I mean it can’t be that hard, even seems to be a correlation between stupidity and the ability to build muscles._

Jude ate breakfast and decided there and then not to sit inside all day. After putting away the dishes he put on his training pants and one of his larger t-shirts. He found a pair of training shoes and went outside.

He walked two blocks from his house until he got to the jogging tracks that went through some woods, a park and some parts of residential blocks.

 _Here goes nothing..._ and he started running. Well he jogged. Okay, maybe he just walked a bit faster. It still was enough to make him sweat and that means it counts as working out, doesn’t it?

After he had showered he laid down on the comforter on his bed. He was feeling quite good about himself when his brain had other plans.

 _So we’re not gonna talk about Connor’s text are we?_  
-Nope.  
_Yes, we are. What do you think he meant?_  
–Don’t know, don’t care. Let’s talk about something else.  
_I think he meant.._

As Jude was clearly losing the fight to resist thinking about last night, his phone buzzed. He held his breath and looked at the display. It was Hannah, thank God.

“Hi whats up? U coming to watch Chris & Jacob right?”

Jude smirked before sending his reply, knowing exactly the kind of response he would get.

“Just showered, went running. Yeah I’ll be there.”

“… should I be worried?”

Jude laughed.

“Seriously, should I come over?”

“Lol. I’m fine, see you in an hour.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude took his bike and arrived at the soccer stadium where practices were being held. As he approached his friends that were standing and talking to Chris and Jacob he could hear Madison from a distance.

“Thanks a lot Chris. Here we could be seeing some fine Arizonian version of a Greek God playing but noooo, you had to injure him didn’t you? You must really hate me huh?” She said half joking half seriously.

 Chris looked bothered and got an apologizing look from Jude as he approached the other five.

“Hi Jude, Hannah is spreading lies about you.” Chris says.

“Yes and she’s going great lengths in spreading the lie. She’s even photoshopped a text from you and everything.” Ashley says in a fake offended voice.

“Ha-ha, very funny you guys. So I went running, it doesn’t count as sports.”

Jacob gasped “Jude Jacob you did not. I can’t handle this much change in such a short amount of time. You have to warn me at least a week in advance. I need time to adjust!”

Jude smiled as the others laughed.

Jude, Ashley, Hannah and Madison took their seats at the bleachers. It was a long tradition that they watched Chris and Jacob play while discussing everything and nothing.

Most of the times the three girls talked and Jude kind of tagged along. This time there was a clear change that the girls noticed but Jude didn’t. After a while Madison, who else, had to intervene.

“Okay Jude that does it. Why are you so happy? What are you not telling me? Are you cheating on me? Is it Mrs. Porter? I know that hussy has got an eye on you for years.”

Jude looks at her feeling confused.

“Huh? What do you mean?”

Madison rolls her eyes.

“Okay it’s gonna be like that is it? Well you’ve talked more today than I’ve heard you talk in like six months. And you can’t stop smiling. That’s _what I mean._ ”

The other two girls nodded.

“We’re not complaining Jude! We think it’s great. But has something… happened?” Hannah fills in.

“What? Nothing’s happened. I guess I’m just so glad that school has started. Being alone with my foster dad isn’t exactly the most exciting way to spend your days let me tell you.” Jude hope that the girls would drop it with that, not knowing what else to say.

“Okay… the weird part is that for you that makes sense, Mr. Genius.” Madison says looking a little bit disappointed

“Please, don’t call me that.”

The four of them continued going over the school week and gossip about this and that. Of course Madison has to mention Connor and how his ass is the 8th wonder of the world. Then she took it further.

“God I can’t wait until tomorrow when my flow is over, my two friends H and D are so eager to get down and dirty.” she says while holding up her middle and index finger.

The girls are laughing while Jude almost throws up in his mouth.

“Hey that reminds me Jude, have you spoken anything more with Connor?”

“Nope, not a word.” He lies for some reason.

“Bummer…”

After that the girls are discussing their experiences from masturbation while having their period. Needless to say Jude zones out. As his eyes roams aimlessly he sees a car pull up next to the soccer field.

Jude catches his breath as Connor steps out. He watches him walk awkwardly towards the bleachers where coach is situated which is right under where Jude and the girls are sitting. He is joined by a beautiful older woman with long blonde hair. Probably his mother, Jude figures.

Jude can tell that Connor doesn’t put any weight on his left leg as it drags behind him a bit. Connor doesn’t seem to see Jude, which he’s grateful for, as he approaches coach and starts talking.

The girls finally notice and Madison gives away a noise that’s best described as something you could expect hearing after someone’s eating something tasty. The other’s giggle.

From what Jude can hear coach is going over tactics with Connor and also talking about some training schedule with him and his mother. His mother seems very interested in his training.

When the trio seems to be done his mother starts walking back towards their car. Connor stays a moment and watches his team play.

Just before he’s about to join his mother he glances up to the bleachers. When he notices Jude his entire face lights up and he gives him the warmest smile that Jude’s ever gotten in his life.

“Hey Jude! See you Tuesday, genius!”

Jude smiles and waves back at Connor as he heads back to the car with an evident smile still on his face.

Jude is once again lost in his own world but is brought back by Madison leaning in front of him, clouding his sight and staring him straight in the eyes.

“Not. A. Word. Huh?”

_Damn._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 10: /Jude" is up Sunday the 31st


	10. /Jude

Jude is not sure how he managed to explain his sudden memory loss to the girls. Ashley was mostly laughing as Madison went full on interrogation mode on him. Jude had never seen Madison angry or even 100 % serious about anything. This time it was close though.

Jude tried with that he simply forgot and that he didn’t think it was important. Which it really wasn’t. When Madison didn’t yield he got unexpected support from Hannah, who had acted much more passive than both Madison and Ashley.

“Come on Maddie let it go. You know how crazy Jude’s been acting this week, I for one am not surprised at all that he forgot. Heck, I’m surprised he remembered the way to this stadium.”

“Please don’t swear.” Jude said without hesitation.

“I can’t say heck? Come on Jude that’s not even a swear word!” Hannah pleaded with him.

“Oh I’m so glad that some things never change.” Madison said, being back to her old self, with a look of nostalgia. The four of them laughed and Jude’s faux pas seemed forgotten.

As they parted when practice was over Madison just had one final thing to say.

“Seriously though Jude, I expect to get A LOT of inside information that I can use on Connor.”

Jude snickered.

“I’m not joking around.” She looked him dead serious in the eyes and Jude gulped.

As usual Madison couldn’t keep herself from laughing if her life depended on it.

“If you behave I might give away his favorite color or something equally interesting. If, you behave.” He says with a smile before jumping on his bike heading home, not giving Madison the opportunity to protest.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude awoke Sunday morning with the strangest feeling. Something was wrong. He got up from bed and headed towards the bathroom.

 _Ouch!_ Pain going through his body with every step he took. _Oh my god what is it sorcery? What have I done to deserve this?_ As he approached the mirror he looked at himself and shook his head. _Is this… is this muscle soreness? I am not impressed. Not impressed at all._

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor was on the couch in the living room playing video games. His left leg rested in a comfortable position. Earlier he had talked to some of his friends back in Arizona, getting the updates and gossip from his old school.

He had lied to his friends when they asked him if he was homesick and he said he was. Strangely enough he hadn’t missed his old school a single second during his first week in San Diego.

On several occasions he had thought about texting Jude. He always changed his mind when he saw the last text he sent. _Still can’t believe I sent that…_

His phone interrupted him chopping up some zombies with a chainsaw. His display lit up and his incoming text signal went off.

Seeing that he got a text from _Jude Jacob – The genius_ made his heart beat faster. He unlocked his phone in record time and opened the message.

“Okay I’m guessing you have more experience regarding this subject. Are you supposed to get muscle soreness from jogging… scratch that, walking for thirty minutes? /Jude”

“Should I be worried? /Jude”

“Maybe I can stop telling you that it’s me as you probably got it by now.”

“/Jude”

Connor is right out laughing when Jude’s forth message gets delivered before Connor has the time to type in a reply.

“Hey man. U prob will have 2 have them amputated. But hey u had a good 15?16? yrs with em :) /limping Connor”

“16. 17 in May. Ok that sucks but good to know, guess I should start googling for prosthetics. Thanks.”

“Oh my ur practically a lady! Thats prob a good idea. Ur welcome, my pleasure”

“Looking forward to church?” Connor doesn’t want their conversation to end.

“No. When’s your birthday?” Jude doesn’t want to think about church.

“Ok get it. Its in jan. U dont have 2 buy me anything expensive or anything like that, just so u know ;)”

“Lol, good to know. All my students always buy me super expensive stuff for my birthday. You better start saving up Stevens…”

Connor can’t stop smiling. Something about talking/texting with Jude just feels so natural for him.

“Lucky I got some 8 months or so 2 save up. Im thinkin the best running shoes money can buy!”

“It was nice knowing you, bye!”

“No im sry. I think of sumtin better, promise! ;)”

“Good for you that I’m nice and that I believe in second chances.”

“Listen I got to get ready for church. I’m almost late as it is. Thanks for keeping me company.”

“Ok have as fun as possible. It was my pleasure. Sry for distracting u from ur duties”

Jude hesitates but for what feels like once in his life he’s taking a chance, his heart beats faster as he finishes the conversation with.

“No problem. It was worth it.” He’s already regretting it.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Riding in the car with Phil towards church is even more unbearable than it usually is. Normally he just zones out and let his mind occupy himself. This time it’s different. He feels… angry. He really doesn’t want to be _here_ in this car. He really doesn’t want to sit in that church and listen to all the nonsense that he know his ‘colorful’ minister will spew out.

Finally, he realizes that he doesn’t have a choice, there’s no way out of it this time. He has to endure it, once again.

He doesn’t say a word to Phil during the ten-minute car drive, during the service or during the car drive home. Phil returns the favor.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

One last look in the mirror.

_Like a pro…_

Jude goes down the stairs towards the kitchen, as it’s Monday morning he’s expecting her call any minute. This week he got time to finish his breakfast before his phone goes off. He’s missed her.

“Hey Callie!”

“Heey little brother, how’s everything?”

“It’s good. School was good and believe it or not I even went jogging last Saturday.”

“I guess I… don’t believe it?” Callie says like she doesn’t even know who she’s talking with.

“Yeah-yeah I know. But I did. My legs are still sore. Guess that’s my body’s way of telling me to stop.”

“Jude Jacob… my god you are growing up aren’t ya? I can’t wait for Christmas. I miss you so much kiddo.”

“Miss you too sis. How’s Boston been this past week?”

“Still cold. I bet I’ll be as pale as you when I see you in December” they both snort.

“So Jude… anything new and exciting in your world?”

Jude hesitates for a moment, he’s not sure why. But he wants to tell her. Once again he's not sure why.

“Well there’s this one guy named Connor. I’m tutoring him this semester.”

“Oh that’s good. What’s he like?”

“Hmm I don’t know, kinda cool I guess. He’s like a star athlete, according to the girls he looks like a Greek god, and he’s far behind in most subjects. As you can tell we have a lot in common.”

Callie laughs.

“I’m glad you’re making friends. Nobody can resist the Judi..”

“Don’t say it.”

“Ok, sorry…” Jude can hear Callie smiling, it’s that obvious.

“So… how’s everything with Phil?” She has to ask. She actually doesn’t care that Jude doesn’t want to hear it.

“It’s fine. Everything’s fine. I say grace and pretend not to completely hate church for an hour a week. If I’ve managed it so far, I can manage a bit longer.”

Callie bites her lip, _he manages…_

Jude exhales. He need to be more carefully with his words. He knows that she listens for anything that indicates trouble regarding this subject.

“Okay… okay… you promise you call me if you need anything. Anything.”

“I promise. Listen I gotta go sis, don’t wanna-”

She cuts him off.

“You don’t wanna be late, I know. I know. See ya, kiddo.”

“Love you. Bye.”

“Love you too. Bye.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Monday’s classes before lunch went uneventful. A perfect start of the week if you ask Jude.

The gang had gathered by their usual table discussing this and that. Madison just briefly mentioned Connor to which Jude looked at Chris. They both just looked with a blank expression at each other in some kind of staring contest. Of course he avoided the gaze before Chris did.

Jude was about to have a mild heart attack as Connor came out of nowhere.

“Hi Jude!”

_Jesus Christ!_

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.”

Connor looked apologetically at Jude who was trying to get his breathing under control. Madison was choking on her lunch and the others were just staring at Jude and Connor respectively.

“Oh, hi Chris and Jacob. Hi guys, I’m Connor.”

Connor reached out his hand and said hello to Madison, Hannah and Ashley.

As the girls was shaking Connor’s hand Madison had a clear blush on her face. It was kind of amusing seeing her not knowing what to say.

“So Jude, I was thinking about tomorrow. You think I can come over to your house? My dad has this ‘thing’ with some clients at our house.”

Jude was looking at Connor. His perfectly styled golden brown hair. He didn’t even dare to look for too long into his eyes but of course he noticed them. Of course he did.

He had a multicolored checked flannel shirt and the same jeans as before. _Had they gotten even tighter?_ They looked so good on him. _I wonder what brand it is. They fit so well around his waist and the cut is just perfect and..._

“Jude…? You think that’s okay, your house? Tomorrow?”, Connor was looking at him with a concerned expression.

As Jude didn’t trust his words and kind of panicked as he apparently zoned out, again, he just hummed and nodded at Connor.

“Alright good! Text me your address, I’ll be over around 5.30. I’ll bring snacks. See ya genius!” Connor said with a grin and left as suddenly as he had appeared.

“Yeah see ya, bye…”, Jude said back. Well he hopes he did anyways.

Chris, Jacob, Hannah, Madison and Ashley were all looking at each other and then at Jude.

“What, so you’re like friends now or something?” Chris was the first to speak.

“What? No, I’m just tutoring him as I said.” Jude frowned his brows as to signal that Chris's question was a ridiculous one.

“Yeah I forgot. Remind me again, how many of your students have had your phone number? And a better question, how many of them have come to _your_ house to study?”

“Umm…” Chris had a point and Jude knew it. _Think Jude, think…_

“Yeah Jude, you’re not ditching us to climb the social ladder by befriending the new star athlete are ya? We are offended!” Hannah broke the awkward silence with a jokingly tone. _Thank god for Hannah_.

“Stop scaring him, this is great! Jude befriending HD is the best thing that can happen!” Madison was radiating positive energy.

“No Maddie. I will not help you get into _Connor’s_ pants. You’re on your own.” Jude stopped her knowing exactly where she was heading with it.

“Bro’, don’t pussy block!” Madison tried real hard not laughing and instead sounding like some varsity meathead as she was giving some kind of… gang sign? with her fingers. _Really weird_.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

After lunch everything went well, according to Jude. That means he did get to study uninterrupted. He had a minor incident with Scott and John as they passed him in the hallway.

It was just some name calling but the thing that made Jude uneasy was the feeling he got that they were up to something. He didn’t know why, it was like they were temporarily holding back… he hoped he was just imagining things.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Back at his house he texted Connor his address. He contemplated about saying something about Phil but he didn’t know what to say. ‘ _Yeah btw my foster dad is a Jesus freak.’_

“Thx man! Ill bring some chips. Takin a wild guess ur not on a diet ;) Cya tmrw”

Jude knew that Connor didn’t mean to make Jude feel bad but he did. So he had noticed that his body reminded of a skeleton. Of course he had, he’s got eyes doesn’t he? _Beautiful hazel eyes... snap-out-of-it_. He pushed his feelings aside, something he’s used to do.

“Yeah. See you tomorrow.”

Connor got a bit disappointed that their text conversation didn’t last longer but he was thinking about Lena’s advice not to pressure Jude.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude had prepared for how he was going to tell Phil about Connor coming over. It wasn’t an explicit rule that Jude had to ask for Phil’s permission to have friends over but he knew that it was better when Phil was informed on beforehand.

“So I’m tutoring a new student.”

Phil barely look up at Jude as he was receiving the news.

“He’s far behind on a lot of subjects so we need to get started right away.”

Phil grunted in acknowledgment.

“He’s new at Anchor Beach. He’s apparently some kind of soccer prodigy. They’re saying he's the best player the school’s ever had.”

Phil looked up, suddenly interested.

Jude smiled internally, he knew it would work.

“So he’s coming over tomorrow at 5.30. We won’t disturb you.”

“Yeah yeah okay. Best player ever you say? You think the team will actually have a shot this year?”

Phil’s premier interest after condemning people was soccer. He always watched matches on tv and he loved discussing it every chance he got.

“Umm… don’t ask me, you know I don’t know about that stuff. You’ll have to ask him.”

“Yeah… okay.”

Jude’s mission was accomplished.

_Too easy…_

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Tuesday came and school went by fast. Jude spent most of his time preparing for the afternoon. It had to be perfect. He was determined that Connor would be his best student ever. _God I hope he’s not a moron…_

When he wasn’t planning how he was going to go about tutoring Connor, he worried. Of course he worried. He was going to sit next to Connor, for hours. Talking. For hours.

All their conversations this far that weren’t by text had been really awkward. Jude did not trust himself around Connor that was for sure. He tried to find comfort in that they were going to be doing something that he was good at. Not good, excellent. _Yeah… I’ll be fine. Liar. You are screwed._

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor was sitting in the car heading over to Jude’s house. He kept tapping his fingers on his lap looking out the window.

His mother noticed his behavior. She noticed, as Connor wasn’t usually a shy person.

“You look nice today.”

Connor was brought back to the car from his thoughts.

“Uh okay. Thanks mom.”

Connor had chosen his outfit carefully, for some reason he wanted to make a good impression on Jude and Jude’s family. He wonders what they’re like.

“It’s good that you want to make a good impression. It’s very nice of this boy to tutor you.”

Connor’s mother pulled up on the driveway of a medium sized house in a quiet neighborhood.

“I think this is it…”

“Call me when you guys are done for the evening. Love you.”

“Love you too, thanks for the ride mom. I’ll call.”

Connor took his backpack and started walking up to the house as his mom drove away. He got a weird feeling in his gut as he walked up the porch. From nowhere something shifted. With every step he took closer to the door, the stronger the feeling got that something… not good, would happen here.

At he was about to knock on the door he read the sign. He had to force down a gulp to gather the courage to proceed with knocking.

_This house and its residents belong to the Lord. Sinners, beware._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 11: Sinners, beware" is up Monday, February 1st


	11. Sinners, Beware

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First tutoring session, the boys are off to a great start.

“Oh. Hey come in. Jude, Connor’s here!”

Jude recognized the tone in Phil’s voice. It was time to act like a ‘normal’ family. As he came down the stairs he heard Connor replying to something Phil must have asked him.

“Pretty good. I think we got a good shot from what I’ve seen of the team.”

“Very nice… it would be great if we had a good team for once.”

“Hey, Connor!” Jude greeted him probably smiling wider than intended

“Hey, Jude!” The smile Connor gave him temporarily took away all his anxiety.

Both of them looked at Phil, as if they expected him to say something.

“Uh okay, why don’t you guys head up to your room and get started. Nice meeting you Connor.”

As Connor followed Jude upstairs Jude couldn’t help feeling more than annoyed at Phil. If he could pretend to act like a normal human being, he clearly knows how to do it. But he only put it on as a facade, Jude knew all too well.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The first thing that Connor had noticed when entering Jude’s house was a huge crucifix hanging on the wall next to what he believed was the kitchen. The house was beyond neat. Everything was cleaned to perfection.

A man greeted him that he assumed was Jude’s dad. Something about him felt… off. Connor couldn’t put his finger on it, but something wasn’t right. Maybe he was reading too much into it.

Walking up the stairs Connor couldn’t help noticing that all the photos on the wall was of Jude’s dad and some other older woman, probably his mother. He didn’t see any pictures of Jude or any siblings.

Getting to the top of the stairs Connor saw three doors, assumedly two bedrooms and a bathroom. The house was nice but perhaps lacking some… personality. It didn’t seem quite as warm as he for some reason had imagined Jude’s house.

Jude opened the door to one of the rooms and Connor followed to what he assumed was Jude’s room. Jude went straight to a desk situated in the far right corner.

Connor looked around the room which looked nice. The style was minimalistic but with a few photos of Jude and a teenage girl, perhaps a sister?

From what he saw there were no pictures of Jude’s dad or mom to be seen.

The room was quite small with a bed, a desk with two chairs, a mirror, a quite big closet and two bookshelves filled with books.

“So… your dad seemed really interested in soccer, guess sometimes the apple falls far from the tree.” Connor said smiling, trying to break some of the tension the silence had built up.

Jude sat down on his chair and looked at Connor, he realized how little Connor know about him.

“He’s not my dad. Phil is my foster dad.”

Connor was taken by surprise. Jude could tell Connor didn’t know what to say so he helped him out. He hated telling the story but he knew it had to be done.

“So… I’m a foster kid. Me and my sister came to this house six years ago. I’ve been a foster kid since I was five. My real mom and dad died in a car accident and we got put in the foster system.”

The way that Jude told Connor his story filled with heartbreaking moments without any shown emotion told Connor that Jude had said this exact quote many times before.

“Oh… I’m really sorry Jude, I had no idea.” Connor looked at Jude with a look that Jude couldn’t stand, it was pity and he’d seen it so many times before.

“It’s okay. Honestly. I know how it sounds but it was a long time ago. I… survived.”

 _Survived?_ Jude normally didn’t use that word telling his story. Something about being around Connor made him act irrational. He couldn’t quite trust himself which scared Jude.

“Okay… I’m still sorry that you had to go through it… So you and your sister live here with… Phil? and your foster mom?”

“No, it’s just me and him now. His wife died before he started fostering me and my sister Callie. Callie moved to Boston to study last year.”

Connor nodded, still having a lot of questions but he didn’t know how comfortable Jude was talking about it with someone he barely knew.

After a few moments of silence Jude said.

“Should we get started? I have a pretty good idea how we’re gonna do this but first I need to know just how far behind you are.”

Connor still felt embarrassed looking so… stupid in front of Jude. Of course he knew that Jude was here to help him but he still cared, which by itself was quite strange as he normally didn’t care about those kind of things.

“I’m afraid I’m way behind… Perhaps you will have to prove that you can get a monkey to pass.” Connor said giving a slight smile.

Jude liked seeing Connor smile. Even when he was putting himself down. He could get used to that smile. _What are you thinking? Stop it, he’s straight straight straight..._

They sat down at Jude’s desk and got started. Jude on the left-hand side and Connor to his right. Connor showed Jude where he was in math, physics and chemistry. He was truly far behind, truth be told. The good thing was, and it was a _really_ good thing, that Connor wasn’t a moron. When Jude explained theorems, problems and equations, Connor got the hang of it.

The biggest problem that Connor had was concentrating on the task at hand. The proximity to the boy next to him gave him a weird feeling. He could get a hint of Jude’s smell when he leaned closer and it was intoxicating. _Oh my god it’s like this already. I’m so screwed._

He pulled himself together. Jude was nice enough to teach him and he really didn’t want Jude to think he was stupid. He could do this.

Jude proceeded with instructing Connor just as he had planned. Things were going good as he followed the already laid out plans in his head. He didn’t even pay any attention to the fact that Connor smelled like musk and also something sweet. No, he didn’t notice at all.

When Connor started solving problems on his own, Jude couldn’t help to observe Connor as he was leaning over the desk on both arms.

Connor was wearing a black t-shirt that was tight around his biceps. Not that Jude thought they manufactured t-shirts that wouldn’t be tight around Connor arms, but that’s irrelevant.

He noticed Connor’s big hands and his muscly forearms with veins clearly visible. _His arms are probably thicker than my thighs. Djeez._

Connor suddenly looked up from his paper and turned his head to the left looking Jude in the eyes. They stay there for a few seconds, dumbstruck, before Connor give Jude a smile and says.

“I’m done. You want to grade me?”

 _A A A A A._ Jude had to get his act together.

“Yeah, sure. Let me see.” Jude had to stop looking Connor in the eyes or he would catch on for sure.

Connor had done ok. Even good if you considered that this was their first lesson. He’d gotten about half of the answers correct and most of the wrong ones were understandable.

After they had studied for about an hour and a half Connor was getting hungry. He leaned after his backpack and pulled out a bag of chips and put them on the desk. Jude tensed just a little bit from the memory, which in Jude’s mind was Connor commenting on Jude’s body.

Connor noticed as he looked at Jude. Afterwards, Connor had actually thought about if he had made Jude feel bad in that text. As Jude kept looking uncomfortable, Connor took no chances.

“Hey… sorry for my stupid diet comment text. I didn’t mean anything… bad, you know?”

_Gah can you stop being so considerate, caring and perfect._

“It’s alright, it’s just that…”

“Yeah?”

“Umm… It’s just that, it’s not th-that I’m like… _trying_ to be so… thin. I’ve just always been like this.”

Jude’s gestured with his hand down his upper body, his voice was small as he was looking down at his lap.

He didn’t know what possessed him to be so open about this with Connor. It had taken over two years until he could say anything like this to Hannah. Somehow it was so easy to talk to Connor. He felt that he could trust him. Which of course is really silly considering he barely knows the guy.

Connor wants to hug him to comfort him but he knows that’s out of the question. He’s trying to come up with something to say to break the silence.

“It’s okay… I mean it’s not something that’s bad. You are not _that_ thin, it’s not like you look sick or anything. You look… healthy.” _Good/handsome/cute/gorgeous/beautiful… no let’s go with ‘healthy’._

Jude smiles at Connor’s attempt at making him feel better. It actually works even though he knows that he is _that_ thin. It’s nice of him to lie though.

“Thanks…”

Connor finds relief that he at least got Jude to smile, he tries to break the tension as Jude is clearly still uncomfortable.

“And hey there are perks…” Jude’s looking at Connor as Connor is searching his head for something to say, as Connor’s eyes are scanning the room his head comes up with something.

“Yeah, like we could both easily fit together in your tiny bed even though it’s made for one!”, he blurts out.

_WHAT.THE.FUCK.WAS.THAT. That’s it. I’m getting a lobotomy. You cannot be trusted._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 12: Aftermath" is up Tuesday the 2nd


	12. Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Jude gives studying a second chance, this time it goes even better than the first time.

Here’s what Connor Stevens remembers after his brain decided that he apparently had lived long enough. Sixteen years was what was given to him. Now all that was left was planning for the funeral.

Jude was crimson.

Connor was going maroon.

Connor panicked and started talking. And talking. And talking.

“U-Uh… I meant you could fit two… two people. Any people. In that bed. Cause you are small. That’s the perk. You don’t need a larger bed as they are much more expensive and that’s a very nice bed right there I mean why would you ever want to exchange it when you already got the perfect bed that’s what I meant. And it's so much easier when furnishing. It takes up like no space at all. Which is really good. Cheaper rent as you can get a smaller appartement. And..”

Connor was rambling. He couldn’t make his mouth stop so it just carried on and on and on.

When he took a short pause to catch his breath he glanced over at Jude. Jude was still quite red but he was looking at Connor and… was he smiling?

Jude started laughing. A lot. Connor was sure that Jude would fall out of his chair any moment.

Connor on the other hand just sat there, mind still completely blank. After a moment his brain, which was still getting lobotomized don’t you worry, realized that Jude was laughing.

And there Jude fell onto the floor.

The adorable fucker was still laughing and it was the most beautiful thing Connor had heard because it was undeniable Jude’s real laugh.

Jude’s laugh was infectious, Connor joined in when the panic from before has subsided.

“Man… that came out wrong didn’t it. Sorry for being so awkward.” Connor said after he had calmed down.

Jude was still chuckling, wiping his hand under his eyes.

“Oh, that was… that was good. It’s a nice change that I’m not the most awkward person in the room.”

After ‘the bed incident’ was over, Connor called his mother as it was getting late.

Before leaving Connor turned to Jude.

“I had a really good time today. Thanks to you, math isn’t the worst thing in the world anymore.”

“I had fun too. You did good. I’m positive we’ll catch up with your classmates in no time.”

“So… I’m smarter than a monkey?”

“As long as you’re not trying to find perks about me being small, yeah, you are.” Jude said smiling.

Connor blushed from the, still all too, recent memory.

“Yeah… definitely avoiding that subject in the future. See you Jude.”

“See you. Good night.”

Jude had probably never slept better in his entire life. All night as he laid in his bed he was repeating the evening’s events with Connor. He thought about a lot of things concerning Connor. He completely refused to think about any consequences that would arise if his thoughts would become reality.

Connor on the other hand had a more troublesome time sleeping. He alternated from smacking himself in the forehead to smiling wide thinking about the pinnacle of awkwardness that was him. He liked spending time with Jude though, of this he was sure.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

While going to school the following day, Madison was trying to get some juicy Connor related information out of Jude. He on the other hand ensured her and the other’s that their session had been super boring and that he didn’t know anything about Connor’s personal life. The last part was even true.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

  
Connor was sitting in physics class doing a group project with two other girls, Darla and Maria. Connor had kind of connected with the two during his first week. Maria was the more serious student and Darla was your typical popular girl being pretty and self-confident. 

Maria was trying to show Darla and Connor how the experiment _should_ work. Darla mostly run her fingers through her thick curly dark brown hair, seemingly not getting it all. Maria was starting to give up and was just going to do it by herself when suddenly Connor remembered something that Jude told him just the day before.

He showed Maria some of the calculations he thought could be about right, trying to remember what Jude taught him. Maria looked surprise while Darla was still not paying attention.

“Hmm you know what Connor, you’re right. I thought you were like… far behind, considering your former school?” Maria said sounding a bit… impressed? _First time for everything,_ Connor thought.

Connor chuckled, still a bit taken by the fact he'd taught someone something that wasn't sports related. “I am… It’s just that Jude taught me that just yesterday, lucky fluke I guess.”

“Wait a minute, you’re being tutored by Jude Jacob?”

“Yupp, we started yesterday, why?”

“No nothing. You’re lucky. I bet you’ll be up to speed in no time. He’s kind of weird though right?” Maria said raising her eyebrow looking for confirmation from Connor.

“Don’t really know him that well but he seems cool to me. Really smart. Do you know him?”

“No, not really. We kind of hung out with his ex-girlfriend when we were younger and he was kind of around sometimes… didn’t really say much.” Maria says casually, not noticing Connor’s reaction.

“Oh… he had a girlfriend?” Connor tried to sound unaffected by the news. Why did it feel like he was hit in the gut? Chris’s tackle was nothing compared to this feeling.

“Yes he was with Hannah. Poor girl. I mean he’s kind of cute and all but he’s so shy and weird and not exactly…manly, you know?” Maria once again wanted someone to agree with her.

“I think he’s ok. You wouldn’t do so well if _your_ parents were killed when you were a kid.” Darla suddenly joined the conversation.

Darla was, well kind of dumb. She cared more about her looks than anything else and Connor had already picked up on that popularity was extremely important to her.

But Darla wasn’t into being mean to those that already had it kind of rough. Some things her parents had taught her had gotten through.

“Nah I guess you’re right, I would also be fucked up. Let’s carry on with this.”

As the girls, mostly Maria, continued with the project Connor was deep in thought.

He had no right to be the least upset or anything like it, but something just didn’t feel right. Why didn’t he like the idea of Jude having a girlfriend? I mean really, what had happened? They had shared a look. That didn’t mean anything. He had read so fucking much into nothing. _Idiot_.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“Hey, feel like getting smarter Thursday evening, 5.30? /Jude”

Connor read the text, he smiled about that Jude still found it necessary to tell him it’s him. The thing was, he didn’t feel excited at being tutored by Jude. Not like before. Not by a longshot. But he did want to see him. Very much. Or did he? It was probably best to call this off, his head was telling him to get out before it would get ugly.

“Hi yeah ill be there thx /C”

He did want to see him. _Fuck._

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The rest of Wednesday and the whole of Thursday went by quite uneventful. Jude was looking forward to Connor coming over. Mostly anyway. Jude’s tactics was clear. He pushed away all thoughts about the consequences and what he perhaps felt regarding Connor.

His job was to tutor him and that was what he was going to do. What harm could it possibly do that looking at the boy made his whole body… feel things? Nope. Not thinking about possible harm.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor flinched seeing the sign on Jude’s house before knocking on the door.

After being greeted to Phil, who still gave him bad vibes, he headed upstairs to his _straight_ tutor’s room.

Jude gave Connor a smile and a small wave as he entered the room. Jude was wearing a long sleeved shirt as always and some baggy jeans. They were probably regular jeans but on Jude they looked baggy. Jude’s hair was really nice. _I wonder what it smells like._ _S t o p  i t._

Connor looked at Jude’s bed and immediately felt embarrassed. Jude snorted remembering Connor’s peculiar choice of words just two nights ago.

Connor just shook his head “Please. Don’t remind me.”

After they sat down at Jude’s desk Jude told Connor about what they were going to learn today. If Connor didn’t already know he still could tell that Jude had done this many times before, the setup and everything else was all very professional.

Jude read and studied while Connor was doing the same. Jude was of course on a whole other level but he had nothing else to do while Connor was solving problems on his own.

After Connor had finished the first of Jude’s so called ‘learning blocks’ he asked his tutor out of the blue.

“Hey… what do you do for fun?”

“Hmm…?”

“You know. Fun? What do you like to do?”

“Besides studying?”

“Besides studying.”

“Hmm… reading?” Jude tries to get away with

Connor’s not looking impressed.

“Well I don’t know, watching movies and playing some video games I guess.”

“And I… I used to go swimming a lot.”

“Not anymore?”

“No… not anymore.” _Why did I even mention it?_

As Jude was clamming up Connor continued.

“What kind of movies you like?”

Jude answered, a little too fast perhaps, “Anything with Angelina Jolie.”

Connor laughed “Angelina Jolie? Really? Even Tomb Raider?”

“Especially Tomb Raider” Jude says looking dead serious for a second before smiling slightly.

“What about you… what do you do _for fun_?”

“Besides soccer?”

“Besides soccer.”

“Going to the gym…?”

“Conn-..”

“Okay okay, well I go hiking, and swimming, and running… well in Arizona I did. Guess I’ll find out what’s fun in San Diego. Yeah and of course video games. And fishing!”

“You know what, I’ve never been fishing in my life.”

“What, really? But you live like, right on the beach?”

“Nope, never. I’ve never even been on a boat.”

“We should go sometimes, it’ll be fun!”

“I don’t know… I don’t even know how to.”

“It’s easy, I’ll teach ya. I promise you it’s easier than math.” Connor said grinning

“Hmm… maybe.”

“Maybe?”

“Maybe.”

Connor had to settle with that. Lena’s words echoing.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude bit his lip… he felt he had to say something to Connor. He’d feel bad if he didn’t.

“What’s the matter?” Connor obviously saw.

“Well… it’s just.” Jude was struggling with his words.

Jude took a few moments. Debating in his head what to tell Connor. After he made up his mind he took a deep breath.

“I mean, you’re new to Anchor Beach and all. And…”

“Yeah…?” Connor was not following.

“It’s just… In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not exactly Mr. Popular.” Jude spat out, taking Connor by surprise.

“Umm…” Connor didn’t know what to say, he had no idea where Jude was going with this.

“It wouldn’t be good for you… you know to, do stuff… with me… outside of school.”

“You mean like, being your friend?”

Jude bit his lip and nodded. He wanted nothing else than to, for once, have a male friend. Maybe he wanted to be friends with Connor for more reasons but he didn’t want to think about that for now.

“Umm... okay… why?” Connor looked genuinely confused.

Jude regretted bringing it up but he had to tell Connor for his own sake.

“You should hang out with the, you know, popular kids? You’re the star of the soccer team, all the girl’s think you’re a gift from God and charming. Hanging out with me… not so smart.”

Connor took in Jude’s words, at a loss for words for a few moments before replying. He could tell that Jude was very uncomfortable.

“Can’t I decide for myself who I want to hang out with?”

“Yeah but…”

“But what? Being _popular_ is not what it’s cracked up to be. Believe me.”

Jude still looked like he wanted to sink through the floor. Connor didn’t know what to say, he wanted to say something comforting but he was struggling. He wanted to make Jude smile again, badly.

“And besides, I can still be a soccer star, gift from God, charming and above all very humble while being your friend.” Connor said jokingly with a smile, trying to ease the tension.

Jude nodded, “Ok… But you’ve been warned.”

Connor smiled slightly, “Fair enough… ‘ _learning block 2?’_ ” Jude knew Connor was kind-of-teasing him but he was more than glad to change the subject.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

As they were both deep in their text books Connor was having a hard time with one of his assignments. He thought long and hard, fiddling with his pen between his fingers.

Needing Jude’s help he turned to Jude and without thinking he leaned over and tapped at Jude’s shoulder with his right index finger.

 

Jude shrugged violently jumping out of his chair putting one of his own hands over his touched shoulder. Jude took short intakes of breath.

Connor gasped as he was frightened by Jude’s sudden moment.

“Oh my god I’m so sorry Jude! I wasn’t thinking! I’m so sorry!”

Jude was looking like he was about to have a panic attack, his eyes fixating on the floor as he was pacing from side to side.

Connor sat down observing Jude, scared from Jude’s reaction.

“I’m sorry Jude… I didn’t me-.”

“It’s getting late. We probably should stop now. I need to use the bathroom.”

Jude practically ran out of the room and went to the bathroom and locked the door behind him.

Connor sat still for a few moments trying to calm down before calling his mother to pick him up. Connor was shaking from worrying about Jude.  _Fuck fuck fuck fuck what do I do?!_

If regret had a face it would be Connor's. He rubbed his face with his hands trying to think of some miraculous way to make this better.

When Connor's mom texted him that she was arriving shortly, Jude still hadn't come back from the bathroom.

As Connor walks up to the bathroom door he can hear that the sink is running but nothing else is audible.

“My mom is here… I’m sorry…” Connor knocks softly.

No response. Connor rests his forehead against the bathroom door. Connor's tears wasn't far away but he had to pull himself together.

"I'm so sorry Jude..."

Connor left Jude’s house feeling miserable, to say the least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 13: The bad touch" is up Wednesday the 3rd
> 
> Just a heads-up. So far I've posted 12 chapters in 11 days. Chapter 14-16 will be posted with a few days apart. The reason for this is that things happening further ahead is heavily affected by these chapters and I haven't decided 100 % which route we will take.


	13. The bad touch

Connor sat mostly in silence during the car ride home. His mother asked if something had happened but he shrugged it off using the classic excuse _“I’m just tired that’s all.”_

Sitting in his room he reflected over the evening at Jude’s. It had started out good. He’d planned to get to know Jude on a more personal level and he'd succeded.

He even got a _maybe_ on taking him fishing sometime.

After that Connor had screwed up big time. He can’t believe he was so fucking stupid.

Lena had been very clear about not touching Jude. Very clear.  _Stupid stupid stupid._

He had also noticed that Jude was always very careful to keep a certain physical distance. Blaming his own stupidity was his only excuse.

It was a mistake though. He didn’t mean it. He _just_ acted without thinking. He realized more and more that if he wanted to be Jude’s friend, he had to think before he acted. Not the easiest thing to do when your mind and body seems to betray you all the time around said person.

He needed to know more about Jude. He needed to understand him in order to be a better friend or even a friend at all to Jude.

Connor had an idea. It could be a good one. It could be a terrible one. Seeing his track record lately it was probably a terrible one. But he had to at least try.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The following morning, Anchor Beach

   
_I wonder where all the sand come from… it’s just – there. How did it like get there? Maybe it’s just tiny tiny rocks… could that be it? Have to remember to google it…_

_Gaaah… I would murder for some Froyo right now. I would murder a baby…_

_I swear to God if that little shit comes home before I do and eats it he’s dead. Sure, mom and dad will be sad for a while but it has to be done._

Madison was paying zero attention to her professor. Instead she was letting her mind wander towards sweets and the murder of her baby brother, not the first time that’s happened.

“Psst…! Maddie.” A voice from her left side distracted her from her baby brother’s funeral plans.

“Mhm?” Madison looked at Carla who sat at the desk next to her. Carla was holding a note which she handed to Madison.

She opened it up and read it. Suddenly class became _very_ interesting.

Note: “Wait for me after class. Need to talk to you. /Connor Stevens”

Madison shifted in her chair and searched for Connor. When she spotted him looking at her for confirmation about the note, she smirked and nodded.

_Fuck Froyo I’ll have som Haagen-Dazs thank you very much._

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“Thanks for waiting up. Don’t know if you remember me, Jude is tutoring me? You’re Madison right?” Connor approached Madison.

“Yeah I’m Madison but you can call med Maddie. No problem. Yeah I think it rings a bell… I think I have some other classes with ya as well.”  _Nice Maddie, playing it cool, Beltgate’15 is forgotten…_

“Ah ok good. Yeah listen… I don’t know if you can help me but I didn’t know who else to talk to…”

“I _am_ very good at talking. To the right girl, you have come.” Madison said with a Yoda impersonation. _Aaaand there I blew it. Shit._

Connor snickered “Ok good. Yeah listen… it’s about Jude…”

“Jude? What about him?”

“Well… the thing is I don’t know all that much about him. And… well I just don’t want to upset him if I can avoid it.”

“Ah, he’s had a panic attack?” Madison said like it was the most natural thing in the world.

“Umm… kinda?” Connor said feeling unsure

“What was it about? Let me guess, his foster dad? His grades? Swimming?”

Connor shook his head as Madison kept going.

“I… touched him. Accidentally.”

“Ooooh, that’s bad.”

“Yeah… I… noticed.”

“That explains this morning…” Madison said, seemingly to herself.

“Listen I don’t know how much I should tell you. I mean he’s my friend. I don’t wanna talk behind his back or anything.” Madison felt the conversation started to get a little deep for a Friday morning.

“No I get that, and I don’t want you to. I feel kinda bad myself for telling you about his… panic attack, don’t know what to call it really.”

“He refers to them as incidents… and that he has ‘issues’.

Connor and Madison started walking through the empty hallway towards their next class that were held pretty close to each other.

“Listen I… I just want to know more to be able to make him feel… better around me. I want to understand so I don’t screw up.”

“Hmm… you’re not like his other students. In a good way.” _Shit. He has to be super-hot and nice. And those eyes should still require a license…_

“Why is… touching so bad? I thought he had had a girlfriend?” Connor didn't even like to say the words out loud. Jude, having a girlfriend who was now still a close friend. A friend that he still hangs out with. No he most certainly didn't like it but he had to try and ignore it for now.

“Yeah. Well, he and Hannah were officially a couple for about six months…”

“Officially?”

“No. They _were_ a couple. I know Hannah likes… liked Jude. And he liked her. It’s just… well they didn’t do anything but hold hands. And even holding hands took a while. Hannah is the only one that gets to do it and that’s because they’ve been friends for a long time.”

Somehow this information eased Connor. He knows it shouldn't but it did, it really did.  _What's going on with me..._  

Madison of course knew more details but as they seemed too personal to share with Connor, she didn’t.

“As you can imagine it’s kinda hard to be with someone you can barely touch… I don’t really know exactly why Jude hates being touched, he’s never told anyone. We just, accept it…”

Connor nodded.

“Hey I appreciate it… this. You seem to be a good friend to him.”

“Anytime… but you owe me one.” Madison gave him a smirk.

“Yeah, I do. Thanks again.” Connor liked that it felt so easy talking to Madison.

As they started to reach their next classes Connor had another question.

“Oh, one other thing. What’s the deal with swimming? He told me he used to do it… but he doesn’t anymore?”

Madison’s kind and soft tone went cold.

“You can ask _your_ friends about that.”

“My friends…?” Connor wasn’t following her

“Yes. Ask John & Scott. They should know.” Madison said while walking away, leaving Connor outside his next class.

Her tone wasn’t cold anymore. It was aggressive.

“They’re not my,” Madison was gone, “friends.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor wasn’t paying attention in class. He still kept thinking about the previous evening at Jude’s and the way that it had ended so abruptly.

Next class was P.E. and he knew that Jude would be there. Perhaps he could try and talk to him there. He also knew that Jude was early to most of his classes so in theory he could try and catch him before all other students was there.

If Connor was being honest he also knew that Jude probably didn’t find it as important to be early to P.E. as his other classes, but it was worth a shot.

Connor rushed to the locker rooms and got changed in record time, heading towards the soccer field where class was taking place once again. As he got out of the lockers he almost ran into someone that came out of the bathroom.

Seeing that someone was Jude, already changed into his training clothes, he was more than glad that he didn’t run into him. That would have been a bad start to the conversation he was planning on having.

“Oh… hi!”

“Hey…” Jude looked startled as Connor came out of nowhere.

“You already got changed? Didn’t see you in the lockers.”

“Umm… yeah… I was here early I guess.” Jude sounded uncomfortable.

They started walking towards the soccer field.

“So… I wanted to apologize for last night. I wasn’t thinking.” Connor said pleadingly.

"I'm really sorry, you must know that right?" Connor continued as Jude kept avoiding eye contact at all cost.

After some moments with extremely uncomfortable silence, Jude finally said.

“It’s alright… I just… I didn’t want… It’s alright.” Jude was struggling.

They walked in silence, Connor didn’t know what he wanted to say and Jude was still looking uncomfortable.

“It’s not your fault. It’s me and my… issues. I didn’t want you to see… that.” Jude suddenly broke the silence with an unsteady voice.

“Hey it’s okay. We all got… problems, right?”

“Somehow I think mine’s worse than yours…”

“I don’t know about that. You know I can’t eat strawberry ice cream? My dad told me when I was like seven that it was vanilla mixed with blood and I just can’t eat it. Tried it. Impossible. Now that is a problem.”

Jude smiles, “That is crazy. You are screwed up in the head Stevens. Guess I shouldn’t complain.”

Connor felt good seeing Jude smile. He wanted to make him smile again, and again and again.

“So… friends?” Connor glanced at Jude.

Jude looked at Connor, nodding and once again smiling, much to Connor’s delight.

“Yeah. Friends.”

“Great. You’re coming to see our practice tomorrow, you’re usually there right?”

“Yeah I think so. I’m even considering to jog before that. Making it a tradition.”

“Oh really? Not afraid of amputation anymore I take it?”

“Nah, I found some pretty cheap prosthetics ones online.”

“Hey… would you mind if I join you?”

“Join me?”

“Yes?”

“Before your soccer practice?”

“Yes…?”

“You’re gonna run and then afterwards you’re gonna play soccer for an hour? Jesus no wonder you look the way you do…” Jude bit his lip, the last part slipping out unintentionally.

Connor smiled at Jude’s baffled tone, “It’s good warm-up. And according to my mom I need to train more so.”

“Yeah… you definitely need more training. Obviously.”

“So, can I join you?” Connor continued

“You know we’re not exactly on the same level, you know fitness-wise. It would be you walking and me running for my life.”

“So I’ll walk and you’ll run for your life. Can I join you?” Connor wasn’t giving up.

“Hmm… okay. I guess.” Jude yielded. Spending time with Connor sounded good. Some kind of workout with Connor didn’t sound quite as good.

“Great! We can meet up outside your house and we’ll walk/run to the stadium.”

They agreed on a time and afterwards Jude had the best class of P.E. in his life. He didn’t do anything but look at Connor playing soccer, very discreetly of course. Coach Michaels didn’t seem as impressed with Jude’s level of participation but Jude couldn’t care less. Looking at Connor was worth anything. Jude was so royally screwed.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude’s Saturday started good. He was almost looking forward to his jog. Jude Jacob. Looking forward to jog. Oh what a difference two weeks can make. Connor was coming over to his house after lunch so he still had some time to kill.

He stood by his desk considering doing some school work but strangely enough he didn’t feel like it. As he was about to turn on his computer his phone rang, it was Hannah.

“Hey, what’s up?”, Hannah said in her normal cheerful voice.

“Hey, I’m good, killin’ time before going to the stadium.”

“Ah okay good. You wanna meet up with us before? Me and Maddie were thinking about going to that mall that's right next doors.”

“Hmm nah… I can’t.”

“Oh okay, why, you have plans?”

“Well yeah. I’m kinda thinking about… jogging… there. Before. Yeah.”

A moment of silence.

“Okay, Jude what’s up?”

“What? Nothing’s up. I just don’t wanna have to catch my breath going up the stairs to the library anymore.”

“Well okay… if you say so. It’s just… is everything ok?”

“Yeah. Why, shouldn’t it?”

“Yeah it’s just, you’ve been acting a little bit… different these last weeks. It’s nothing bad! Just, different… You know you can tell me anything?”

“Hannah I’m good. It’s even great. School’s going well and I’m making friends, it’s never been better actually.”

“Making friends?”

 _Shit_.

“Well yeah, you know. Friends.”

“No I don’t Jude, why don’t you tell your _friend_ Hannah?”

 _Shit_.

Jude didn’t really know why he didn’t want her to know about him and Connor hanging out. I mean it’s not a secret or anything bad.

“Well I’m kind of going running with Connor. To the stadium.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah… he’s kinda cool actually.”

“Yeah okay, he seems nice…” Hannah sounded absentminded.

Hannah continued, “Okay but I guess I’ll see you there, have fun.”

As they hung up Jude couldn’t shake the feeling that their conversation had gotten weird since he mentioned Connor. He noticed that a lot of things in his life got weird when Connor was involved.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

“So Jude, you ready to make those legs wish they didn’t get up this morning?”

Connor was already in his soccer gear and he was wearing a small backpack, which he told Jude held his soccer shoes. His light blue shirt and bandana were soaking in sweat.

“Umm… how did you get here, I didn’t hear a car?”

“I walked.”

Jude looked knowingly at his shirt and bandana.

“Ok, maybe I jogged.”

Jude wasn’t buying it.

“Ok, I ran.” Connor laughed when being exposed by Jude.

Jude just shook his head, “You are crazy, Connor Stevens.”

Connor liked the way Jude said his full name. He didn’t know why but he most certainly liked it.

“So Jude, you’ll set the pace, I’ll just follow your lead.” Connor offered.

“Alright, but promise not to laugh. This is the second time. Like ever.”

“I promise, scouts honor.” Connor laid his hand over his chest smiling.

Jude started jogging, admittedly a bit faster than if he was going by himself but he wanted to push himself. It had nothing to do with impressing Connor. Of course it hadn’t.

Connor didn’t seem to break a sweat as they kept jogging in silence. In fact, for Connor this was pretty close to just walking but he liked the company of Jude, even in silence.

“Have you thought anymore about going fishing? I was thinking of going next weekend.” Connor said out of the blue.

“Cant… Talk… Running…” Jude was panting heavily

Connor smiled to himself noticing that Jude was sweating like a pig.

“We can take a break? Just walk for a while.” Connor offered

“Excellent idea.” Jude stopped dead in his track, he bent over placing his hands on his knees, still panting.

Connor couldn’t help looking fondly at Jude. He was so cute when he was out of his element. _Cute? No. He’s straight remember. He’s still cute though. Stop it Connor…_

“You’re okay there?” Connor couldn’t stop smiling.

Jude raised one of his hands at Connor, signaling to give him a moment.

After a full minute, Jude was ready to at least form some words.

“And you do this,” still panting, “like, everyday?” Jude was looking at Connor with a questioning look.

Connor chuckled, “Not every day. But almost.”

“Being out of shape is starting to look quite good…”

The boys started walking towards the stadium and ended up just walking all the way to the stadium.

Jude asked Connor more about his life in Arizona. Connor told him about his friends and how his mother was the one pushing him into training so much.

He knowingly left out the part about his ex-girlfriend from back home. As usual he didn’t quite know why he acted the way he did around Jude.

When they arrived at the stadium Jude saw that Ashley, Madison and Hannah were already sitting at the bleachers.

“Thank you for letting me join you. It was fun.” Connor said looking, well happy.

“Sorry for making you walk like half-way but yeah, it wasn’t so bad.” Jude returned the smile.

“We’ll text, right?”

“Yeah… we’ll text. You have some awesome things to learn about the periodic table young man.”

Connor snorted, “Can’t wait. See ya.”

He parted with Connor who joined the team already warming up on the field. Jude joined the girls who were in deep discussion about something.

“Jude! Hannah keeps spreading these lies about you. It needs to stop, right?” Ashley said as he sat down.

“Yeah-yeah I know I know. I was this close to pass out, don’t know why this running thing is so popular.”

“Oh shut up, you got to hang out with HD you have no right to complain!” Madison had zero sympathy.

“I don’t think Jude appreciates Connor’s buttocks quite as much as you do.” Ashley said jokingly

“You think?” Jude said in the same tone as Ashley.

They all laughed, Jude was relieved to see Hannah joining in as she had been quiet since he sat down.

Ever since Connor had joined the soccer team Jude found himself almost interested in the actual game of soccer. Funny that. Usually he drifted in and out watching practices but now he was starting to even get the hang of the rules.

While spectating the team’s practice Jude couldn’t help thinking that Connor’s ass wasn’t the ugliest thing he’s ever seen. It was probably because of the shorts. He had really nice shorts. Yeah, that’s probably it. Just really really nice shorts.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude got a ride home from Ashley’s mother, after showering he laid in his bed contemplating. He’d done a lot of that lately. He wasn’t going into why all of his thoughts were about Connor. It felt good thinking about Connor, it made him smile.

His thoughts were interrupted by a text.

“Hey J! Got home alright?”

“Hey C! Yeah, got a ride from Ashs mum”

“Ok good that you didnt have 2 run home ;)”

“Haha no… once a week is enough”

“Gotcha! Yeah I was thinkin, what size r u?”

Jude laughed, “Wow C, you have to at least buy me dinner first before I’ll tell you ;)” Jude surprised himself, sexual innuendo was not something he ever shared with his friends.

“LOL. What size shoes r u? Perv :P”

“Huh? Why? It’s 7 btw :P”

“U need new runnin shoes, ill hook u up”

Before Jude had time to reply.

“Dont even J :P”

“Ok I wont. Thanks btw.”

“Np. Gtg help mum. Thx again 4 today, was fun J”

“See ya C”

Jude put down his phone and looked at the ceiling. _What am I doing…_ _What the hell are you doing Jude.._.

Jude let his mind wander to a place he had avoided all his life. It was something he had learned from an early age was bad and wrong. Very wrong.

But he couldn’t… he couldn’t resist it anymore. Connor hade awoken something in him some two weeks ago that just couldn’t seem to be silenced, and the feeling was getting stronger and stronger. He’d felt this moment creeping up on him. His body ached for it.

Jude got up and locked the door to his room. He laid down in his bed and unzipped his jeans. Before slipping down his briefs he stopped himself. Guilt filling his mind.

This was wrong. So very very wrong. He shouldn’t. He should think about something else. Yeah, let's think about something else.

Like… soccer practice.

_Really? You’re not even trying…_

Connor looked good in that t-shirt and those shorts.

All sweaty, muscles stretching the fabric. Jude's heart started to beat faster. He bit his lip, his body was about to give in.

_Fuck it, I’m sixteen_

He slowly pulled down his briefs and let his mind be filled with images of the boy with the hazel eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 14: Awakening" is up Friday the 5th


	14. Awakening

Monday morning.

Jude was standing naked before his mirror. He should be getting ready for his third week in his junior year.

He looked at himself. He didn’t quite recognize the figure staring back at him. Everything had happened so fast.

Connor. Connor had happened so fast. He’d let super straight, hot-beyond-words, soccer wonder child Connor in under his skin.

He traced his eyes from his arms to his upper body. _Disgusting._ He felt ashamed that he even had thought about Connor liking him back in any way. He could stand looking at his own face in the mirror. On a good day he could even call himself cute. If his hair was done right.

Naked however, there was just no way.

Jude had the first orgasm of his life only two days ago. There and then his head was swimming.

Now he felt ashamed that he had thought about Connor. He felt that he’d betrayed his friend by thinking those thoughts about him. He couldn’t look at himself anymore. He got dressed and headed downstairs to the kitchen.

Feeling his mind go to a, for him, well-known downwards spiral of self-loathing he remembered his training. _Get out of it now. Happy thoughts._

_Focus Jude… you’ve made a new friend. That’s a good thing. Concentrate on that._

Thinking of Connor worked. It worked better than anything had ever done before. He was snapped out of his thoughts when his phone went off.

“Hey Callie!”

“Hey little brother, how’s everything?”

“I’m good. A little after schedule. I’ll be making breakfast while talking to you at the same time.”

“That’s okay. Your idea of a little after schedule is still early for the rest of us you know.”

“So, how was your weekend?”

“It was fun! I even went running with Connor… or I was running, Connor was walking. I told you about Connor right?”

“Yeah… the guy you were tutoring right? The star athlete that the girls thought looked like a Greek God.” Callie always listens to everything Jude says. Listens and remembers.

Jude snickers, “Yeah that’s the one.”

“Anyhow, he’s gonna take me fishing this weekend, how crazy is that?” Connor had finally persuaded Jude.

“Super crazy Jude.” Callie’s tone wasn’t lost to Jude, even in his excitement.

“You know I’ve never been. I just thought it be cool to try. Connor is apparently good at it so he can teach me.” Jude said between taking bites from his newly made sandwich.

“Yeah I’m just teasing. I’m glad you’re making friends.”

“So, how is everything with Phil?” Callie continued.

“Same old same old. Listen I gotta go, have to call Connor telling him what textbooks to bring, love you sis!”

“Love you too. Bye.” Callie says before Jude hanging up

Callie sits in her couch, still holding her phone. Looking out the window with clear concern written on her face.

“Callie? How’s Jude?” Callie’s boyfriend Wyatt asks seeing her troubled face. Wyatt had always been protective of Jude ever since he got together with Callie.

“Umm…”

“What? Is he in trouble?”

Callie kept staring out the window, still deep in thought.

“Maybe…”

 

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Tuesday evening.

Jude and Connor were sitting by Jude’s desk studying. Connor was doing good in chemistry and physics. Math was still a bit of a hassle so Jude focused on repeating the important parts.

Connor was sitting and concentrating, pen in hand, trying to solve the problems that Jude had put together.

Jude glanced at Connor every chance he got. He always leaned back a bit so Connor, hopefully, wouldn’t notice. Connor was wearing a white tank top. He’d taken off his zipper as Jude’s room was quite warm. _Mental note: Always remember to turn_ _the thermometer up…_

He couldn’t look away from Connor’s left arm and shoulder. His triceps and the tanned skin made Jude lost in thoughts, once again.

He thought about him and Connor laying down in his bed big enough for the two of them, according to Connor. Connor slowly and carefully undressing him without touching his skin with his strong arms…

“Jude? You with me buddy?” Connor tried to gain Jude’s attention wavering his hand in front of him.

“Umm… yeah. Sorry. Was thinking about math.” Jude could only hope that Connor wouldn't call him on the lie.

“That’s why you’re the tutor.” Connor gave him a huge smile, showing his white teeth.

“I was thinking. This weekend, we're still on for fishing right?” Connor continued.

“Yeah we're on... But I don’t have any gear so I would have to borrow. Or I can just watch you do it.”

“Nah I’ll hook you up. We got equipment for like 10 people at home, don’t worry.”

“Yeah… there’s another thing…” Connor said looking a bit concerned. Maybe even more than a bit.

“Okay, what?”

“Yeah, my dad… he insisted on going with us. Wouldn’t let me go by myself…”

“Hmm okay… that's fine with me.” Jude was a bit disappointed that they weren’t going by themselves but he was rather fishing with Connor and his dad than staying at home. Or so he thought.

“Yeah… it’s just,” Connor was searching for words, “my dad’s a bit… weird sometimes.”

“Weirder than me?” Jude said looking smug.

Connor gave a resigned laugh, “Definitely…”

“Ok. I’m officially warned.” Jude wasn’t planning on hanging out with Connor’s dad anyway.

“Yeah… Okay… Yeah.” Connor was not sure this was such a good idea after all. However, given the amount of persuasion it took to get Jude to agree, Connor found it impossible to cancel the plans.

Connor could only hope that Adam Stevens was on his best behavior. Not sure if his best was going to be enough. He had an unmistakable bad feeling in his stomach.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

During lunch the following day Jude and Hannah took their seats at their table, waiting for the others to join them.

As they sat down he saw Connor sitting down a few tables over with five guys on the soccer team, including Scott and John. Connor waved and Jude returned a smile and a nod.

“So how is everything? Feels like I only see you at lunch.” Hannah said while unpacking her lunch.

“It’s good. Been a busy start with me tutoring Connor right away and everything.”

Hannah nodded to herself before continuing a while later.

“So about Connor, you guys like hang out, besides studying?”

“Yes, sometimes.” Jude shrugged

“And no, I’m not helping my ex-girlfriend hook up with my new friend.”

“You know I never would. You do, right?” Hannah was making sure.

“Yeah I know, just kidding.” Jude did know that he could trust her.

“It’s just, you don’t seem to have a lot in common. I mean he even hangs out with _those two_.” Hannah said looking disapprovingly at John and Scott.

Jude shrugged, “Nah, I know. Maybe it’s just like physics, sometimes opposites attract.” _Opposites attract?_   _Jesus Jude..._ Jude once again spoke before his mind had processed. This never happened before Connor.

Hannah nodded, picking at her food, “Yeah… I guess.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“So Stevens, how much does it suck to have to do math with _that_?” John said pointing at Jude’s direction.

The taller of the dynamic duo, Scott, joined in, “Yeah, it’s like being punished twice… first you have to do like extra sucky school work and then you have to be around _it_.”

Connor was taken a back, he’d never heard them talk about Jude before.

“Remember not to touch him.” John said in some silly child voice.

“What have you got against Jude, what’s he done to you?” Connor shot back. The three other players from the team looked with wide eyes at Connor. Scott and John looked surprised, clearly no one at the table was used to hear someone talk back to them.

John snorted, “Where to begin? He’s the saddest piece of shit in the school. Teacher’s pet, the most uptight and boring asshole you can find.”

Scott jumped in, “You know he changes in the bathroom before P.E.?  Probably scared to get a boner if he sees a guy naked or sumthin’. He never wears shorts even when it’s 100 degrees.”

“Listen to this Stevens, he used to swim like all the time. In a long sleeved shirt and like full length swimming-pants or something like that. I mean who da fuck does that?” John spat out.

John lifted his fat ass off the chair, soon joined by Scott. As they were leaving John said, “At least we don’t have to see him do that anymore.” Scott joined John in grinning mockingly.

Connor was left speechless with the three other players from the team. _Assholes._ So Jude hadn’t done anything besides being different. Connor was fuming.

Connor had in record time earned the respect of his teammates and they could see that Connor was more than bothered.

“Hey Con..-“ Mike started before Connor cut him off.

“Why doesn’t Jude swim anymore?” He said with a steady tone showing the importance of the question.

The three looked at each other, neither knowing what to say.

“Listen Connor… let it go man.” Daniel tried.

“What. Happened?” Connor stared all three of them down, showing he wasn’t fucking around.

Mike finally sighed.

“Well… Okay. So as you might have guessed Jude’s always been kind of… different.” Mike said more matter-of-factly than with resentment in his voice. He continued.

“John and Scott have always been kind of assholes. I guess we’re still waiting for them to grow or something. They are actually fun to hang out with. If you’re like… normal.” Connor eyed him down, not wanting to hear excuses as to why Mike was friends with them.

“Okay so Jude had this thing that he used to swim. Right outside of school, mostly evenings but sometimes weekends as well. His friends later said it was his _safe space_ or something like that. He always swam alone.” Mike gulped, clearly not comfortable with what happened next.

“John and Scott always gave him a ton of crap for swimming with his clothes on, but he kept doing it anyway. And of course they knew about the touching. One day they… went over the line. This was like two weeks before summer break, two years ago.”

“What did they do?” Connor needed to hear it.

“Listen man I really don’t-“ Mike was interrupted by Connor.

“What did they do, Mike?”

“Ok…Alright. We were on the beach. It was quite crowded being a weekend. A couple of us guys from the team were there. _They_ saw him swimming and decided to, as they called it, _have some fun._ ”

Mike hesitated once again, looking up at Connor who just nodded towards him.

“So they swam out to him. We didn’t really see all that much from where we were standing but they grabbed him… He instantly started screaming. They continued… pulling off his pants.” Connor felt disgusted and angry.

“They were laughing while he was screaming as they touched him to make fun of him. They swam away with his pants and he had a… panic attack I guess.” Mike said in a low voice.

“He nearly drowned.” Daniel filled in.

“Some older man noticed and swam out and rescued him. He wrapped his… lower parts in a towel but Jude… Jude just lay there on the beach and screamed and cried. I’ve never… heard anything like it. Don’t ever want to hear those… sounds again in my life.” Mike said while clearly not reminiscing over a fond memory.

“It was horrible. You’d have to have been there. Everyone was staring at him not sure what to do. He was crying so much… they so went over the line.” Daniel joined in again.

“Over the line?!” Connor couldn’t help himself. He was shaking in his seat, murder in his eyes.

“When the ambulance came it got even worse. Jude went… crazy? Don’t know what else to call it. He refused to get in the ambulance. He was screaming and he became… aggressive. It was a mess.” 

“Jude didn’t go back to school for those two remaining weeks.”

Connor just sat there as Mike, and Daniel, seemed to be finished.

“Listen Connor that was a long time ago. It was bad, sure, but everyone’s forgotten about it. No need to bring that shit up.” Mike pleaded to Connor.

After a few moments of silence.

“Jude still doesn’t swim. Does he?” Connor stared at Mike.

After looking back at Connor for a moment he lowered his gaze and shook his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 15: Adam Stevens" is up Sunday the 7th
> 
> I want to remind you all that this story is rated mature and that I've chosen not to use Archive Warnings.
> 
>  
> 
> If you want to discuss Waterloo or whatever, I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse at tumblr. It's mostly about Gavin. Ok, it's all about Gavin.


	15. Adam Stevens

Connor stormed off from the cafeteria. He wasn’t thinking at all. His body moved on instinct. Eyes blazing. He searched for John and Scott but they were nowhere to be found.

He had to find Jude. He just… had to. He went back to the cafeteria and found Jude leaving with his five friends that he always had lunch with. He looked happy. Until he saw Connor and the look in his eyes.

Connor approached the six of them, looking at Jude he said.

“We need to talk.” Jude gave him a questioning look. That Connor was upset was obvious to all.

Jude nodded.

He signaled his friends to carry on, they all were looking confused as they passed Connor.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Connor blurted out the moment they talked privately.

“Tell you what?”

“About John and Scott.”

“What about them?” Jude tried sounding casual but he understood that Connor wasn’t asking at random.

“What do you think? That they… harass you! I’ve been having lunch with those assholes!” Connor was upset. Jude had never seen him upset before and Jude didn’t like it.

“You can have lunch with anyone you like…” Jude’s voice sounding small, he couldn’t look Connor in the eyes anymore.

“Please don’t be angry at me…” Jude continued looking down at the floor.

“I’m not… gah...!” Connor was still angry but seeing the way Jude reacted to it made him compose himself, “I’m not angry at you. I just… If I had known what those idiots done to you I wouldn’t have sat with them, ok?”

Jude nodded, appreciating that Connor calmed down, “Ok… I just. I didn’t want to make you have to choose or anything. I like hanging out with you… even if you were friends with _them_.”

Connor flinched at even thinking about being friends with _them_ but exhaled, for Jude’s sake.

“I like hanging out with you too. But I do want you to tell me about these things. We’re friends, right?”

Jude got a warm feeling hearing Connor’s words. _He’s perfect._ “Yeah… okay. But you know, it didn’t feel like something to bring up with someone you’ve known for like two weeks. Sorry.”

Hearing Jude say that made sense. It didn’t feel like two weeks. It felt like he’d known Jude a lot longer but he was right.   

“I get that… I just. Man, I got angry. Sorry about that.” Connor made a mental note not to get angry in front of Jude, his reaction to it was not hard to read. 

“What did they tell you about… about John and Scott?” Jude asked as there had been quite a few incidents over the years.

Connor hesitated a second but told Jude “I heard about the beach. Why you... stopped swimming.”

Jude looked down, closed his eyes and took a deep breath. _Oh, that._

“Yeah… but that was a long time ago. I’m over it.” Jude said still not looking at Connor as he didn’t trust that his voice wouldn’t crack by doing so.

They stood in silence a few moments. When Jude had gathered some strength he managed to look Connor in the eyes and give him a smile, “Hey, we’re still on for fishing Saturday, right?”

Connor was glad to see Jude smile again, it always made him feel good, “Yeah, of course.” Connor smiled back. The thought of how Adam Stevens could behave making it only a half-sincere one.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Saturday morning.

Connor and his dad would pick up Jude in a few hours. Soccer practice was cancelled since the San Diego Dusters were using the field due to a double booking.

Jude was standing in front of the mirror in a pair of black briefs. He’d been looking at himself a whole lot more lately. Still not liking what he sees from the neck down. But at least he could look.

He’d been thinking a lot of Connor. Something in the back of his head screamed at him to turn around and walk away. It warned him of danger. Real danger. He pushed it way back, refusing to listen to it.

He closed his eyes and let his fingers stroke over his body. He pretended it was Connors hands. His throat became dry and his breathing shallower as his fingers ran over his nipples.

He bit his lip, eyes still closed, as his fingers reached his briefs. Slowly stroking over the black fabric. He was disturbed from his thoughts by Phil shouting at him from downstairs.

Jude got dressed and headed downstairs, probably doing some chores that Phil had come up with he figured.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“We r on our way, u rdy?”

“Yupp. I’m waiting outside.”

“Gr8, cant w8 2 take ur fishing virginity :P”

Jude blushed and smiled at Connor’s text. Even though knowing fully well it didn’t mean anything.

After a few minutes, a truck approached Jude’s house. Connor got out and greeted Jude. He took Jude’s backpack and placed it at the back of the truck. Jude climbed into to truck, sitting in the back, from the side he saw what he assumed to be Connor’s father.

“Hey, I’m Adam, nice to meet you.” Adam turned back and gave Jude a nod.

“Hi Mr. Stevens, I’m Jude. Thanks for letting me tag along.”

“Connor wouldn’t have it any other way.” Adam sounded friendly enough.

Connor was sitting at the front. He felt on edge. Just waiting for his dad to… well he didn’t even know, it could be anything.

“So Connor tells me you’ve never been fishing, is that right?” Adam asked as he was looking at Jude through the rear-view-mirror.

“Yes it’s true. My sister or foster dad was never interested so it just never happened I guess.”

Adam nodded, “There’s a first for everything. I’m sure we’ll have a good time.”

Connor gulped.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

After driving for about 30 minutes they arrived at a secluded lake. There was a dock going out in to the water.  The lake was surrounded by a forest, Jude gasped at how beautiful it looked.

Jude got a good look at Adam. He was probably good-looking when he was younger, Jude figured. He had darker hair than Connor but shared his well-built stature.

Adam and Connor started working on a bonfire as Jude got the fold-up chairs from the truck. When the fire got started Jude noticed Adam getting a 6 pack of beers out of the truck that he put in the water inside a plastic bag.

As Adam and Connor were preparing the fishing rods Adam addressed Jude.

“So I want to thank you for tutoring my son. He tells me you’re quite the genius.”

Jude blushed, “I’m not a genius. It’s my pleasure… he’s not the dumbest student I’ve ever taught.”

Adam chuckled, “That’s good to know.”

Adam was being very friendly. Jude had no idea why Connor had been so reluctant to include him at the first place.

Connor on the other hand knew better. He knew it was only a matter of time. It turned out his father would not make him disappointed.

“So Jude, you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?”

“Dad.” Connor said in an irritating tone looking stern at his father.  _Here we go..._

Jude was taken a back. Not sure what to say.

“You don’t have to answer him.” Connor said looking embarrassed.

“What, why can’t I ask him that?” Adam looked confused but continued.

“You know I’m not into that heteronormative shit, Connor Stevens.”

Connor sighed, “I know dad… but can you just, don’t embarrass me for like five minutes.”

Jude smiled at Connor and answered Adam, “No I’m single. I had a girlfriend a while ago but that didn’t work out.”

“Okay. See Connor, he answered the question like a normal human being?”

“Yes dad… can we just…”

Jude snickered while Connor continued to look annoyed.

Adam carried on with a loud voice, making sure that Connor also would hear him.

“You know Jude, I always ask all of Connor’s friends that. It’s always appreciated by junior over there.”

Jude laughed looking at Connor that looked like he wished for a sink hole to appear any second now.

Adam prepared a rod for Jude and informed him of the basics, Jude didn’t think it sounded that hard.

Adam took his own rod and walked about 100 feet upwards. Jude and Connor got out on the dock. They stood there in comfortable silence for a while. Connor showed Jude how to jerk the rod before releasing it at just the right time.

Jude tried to copy Connor’s movements but needless to say not with the same result. It didn’t matter. Jude was absolutely loving this moment, just standing here with Connor.

Connor tried to teach Jude about the concepts of power, action, line weight and lure weight. Of course Jude didn’t understand a word.

“So… you do all that and then I just hold the rod when you’re finished doing all the pro stuff, ok?”

“Ok.” Connor smiled at Jude.

Adam stood and looked at Connor and Jude while casually throwing his own rod in the lake. Connor, his only son, the light of his life. He would give the world to him. Anything to make him happy.

Looking at the boys standing together he smiled to himself. Connor looked happy, standing there with Jude.

Adam Stevens was no fool. He’d picked up on the way that Connor talked about Jude. Of course Adam wasn’t _sure_ what it meant. That was one of the reasons he insisted on coming with today, to get a look of the boy who occupied Connor’s thoughts. Well that and the chance to embarrass his son of course.

Suddenly Jude screamed, “Ah!! It moves!! What do I do!?”

“Do you have a bite?” Connor asks

“I don’t know!! It moves, is that a bite?!”

Connor laughs, “Yes, probably. Okay, now take it easy. Reel it in nice and slow.”

Jude is beyond excited, “It’s heavy! Connor help me, it’s pulling the rod!”

“Nah, you got this Jude. Just hold steady.” Connor wanted Jude to do it by himself.

“It’s too heavy. Are there like… sharks in this lake?!”

“You got it Jude, wait ‘till it stops pulling. Then reel it in.”

Excitement, fear and concentration in a glorious mix is written all over Jude’s face.

Jude starts reeling in, “It’s heavy!”

Connor is getting ready to net it as Jude’s reeling it in slow and steady.

Jude is panting from exhaustion and excitement.

“It’s close now, be ready for me Connor, don’t think I can hold it much longer.” Connor almost laughs at Jude’s choice of words but as Jude is too excited to notice he lets it slide.

“I think I can see it, just a little more.” Connor says with his hand net ready.

As Jude reels a bit more the fish surfaces and it’s… By god it’s the smallest fish Jude’s ever seen in his life. It’s not even a fish, it’s more of a… shrimp.

Connor can’t hold it in. He lays down on the dock and laughs. Adam snickers watching them from his distance.

“Way to go, Jude! Dinner is secure!” Adam shouts still smiling

As Connor gets back to his feet still chuckling he meets Jude’s gaze. Jude tries to give him a serious look but he wants to smile so bad and it shows.

“Shut up. It still counts.”

Connor unhooks the poor thing and throws it back in the lake, but not before immortalizing the moment with his cell phone.

The trio continues fishing for about an hour. Adam and Connor catches several and even Jude gets a bite, this time from an actual fish.

Jude thought you’d supposed to keep the fish to eat or something but Adam and Connor carefully unhooks all of them and throws them back.

Afterwards, they gather around the bonfire and Adam start making them dinner. Adam is quite the chef and makes them some kind of beef stew that taste really good.

They talk about this and that, Adam was making sure Jude had a good time his first time fishing. Jude had a blast. That he liked hanging out with Connor was not news but Adam was a nice surprise. Jude liked him a lot. He was calm and very funny. Especially when teasing Connor.

“So boys I was thinkin’… You’re hanging out so much that you should have like, a… what do the kids call it…. Yes! A ship name.” Adam was radiating over the fact that he found himself in touch with the younger generation.

“Dad…” Connor was not having it.

“I was thinking… Conude… Cude… Judor…” Adam lit up like he got a revelation, “Jonn-“

“DAD.” Connor gave his father a look that could kill.

Jude snickered at the way the Stevens’s were behaving. It felt loving in a way, even if Connor was not faking his irritation.

“You think that’s embarrassing son? Wait ‘till I tell him about when I caught you masturba..”

“DAD. JESUS, CAN YOU NOT FOR FIVE MINUTES.”

Jude wanted to laugh so bad, but he felt it inappropriate with the way Connor raised his voice.

Adam looked amused. He kept biting his lip. He wanted so bad to keep going.

“He was using an empty toilet paper roll.” Adam blurted out in one breath. He couldn’t help himself. He tried, but he couldn’t.

Jude laughed and Connor just sighed in defeat, “I knew it would be like this… you hate me dad, you really must hate me.”

“I’m sorry son. I love you. In his defense this was four years ago. Poor kid was reaching in the dark.”

“Stop. Talking. Now. Please. For the love of god, stop talking.” Connor was beyond embarrassed.

Jude looked over at Connor, “Your secret is safe with me.”

Connor looked back, finally smiling again, “It better be.”

Adam got up and walked over to the plastic bag where he kept his beers. Jude gave Connor a look.

“Don’t worry. It’s alcohol free. He’s been sober forever.” Connor knew what Jude was thinking.

“Hey I think your dad is cool. Don’t know why you were worried about it. I mean he’s not _that_ embarrassing.”

“Well as long as he’s not singing I gues-.”

“ _Theeeeeeeeeeere is a house in New Orleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeens_ ” Adam sat down, somehow he’d gotten a hold of a guitar.

“Oh for the love of God kill me now.” Connor sighed and hanged his head down between his knees.

“ _They call it the rising suuuuuuuuun_ ”

Jude loved every minute of it. Adam sang with great expression. Connor just shook his head, resigned to the fact that his dad would never change.

“Hey Connor, I’ve really had a great time… thank you.” Jude whispered to Connor as not to disturb Adam’s singing.

Jude’s face was lit up by the sparks from the bonfire. Connor looked at him and before his words would betray him once more he just said.

“Swim with me.”

“What?” Jude heard him but he needed to buy time.

“Swim with me. Please?” Connor begged and Jude absolutely hated him for it.

“I… I can’t.” Jude looked away.

Connor opened his backpack and showed Jude the contents. In it there was a slim long-sleeved shirt and some weird looking pants.

“They are called knickerbockers.” Connor could read Jude’s thoughts.

“They are like old school soccer pants. They should go well past your knees. My team in Arizona used them a couple of times.”

Jude looked at the clothes Connor brought with him. _He’s perfect._ He took one look at Connor. He couldn’t stand those puppy eyes. Begging. He hated Connor for it so much.

“Ok. Ok, let’s swim.” Jude resigned.

Adam was still singing and playing on the guitar.

Jude walked behind some trees and got changed.

When he came back Connor was standing at the edge of the dock. Connor was only wearing shorts. Jude walked out and Connor turned towards him. It was dark but Jude got a glimpse of Connor’s torso before he felt he had to look away.

Connor’s chest muscles were very prominent and Jude didn’t even want to think about the abs. Not now anyhow. Jude looked out over the lake, partly lit up by the moon.

“You feeling ok?” Connor knew the significance this had for Jude.

Jude nodded and sat down with his hands in his lap, his toes dipping into the water.

Connor sat down beside him, leaning back on his hands looking up at the sky.

They sat there for a while just enjoying the moment. Adam was singing some country music in the background, you could tell he was enjoying himself.

Jude copied Connor’s position and leaned back on his hands. While doing so Jude’s left pinkie finger almost touched Connor’s right one.

Both boys slowly turned their heads to the side and looked down at the proximity of their hands.

Jude’s heart pace kept increasing. Soon it was beating out of his chest. He didn’t dare to look at Connor, he kept looking down on their almost-touching pinkies. Jude was barely breathing, and if he had noticed, neither was Connor. 

For the third time in his life, Jude lost the concept of time. He didn’t know how long they sat there, only looking down at their own hands. It felt like a long time. Or a second. As usual in these moments with Connor, he had no idea.

Connor suddenly spoke, “So… you wanna get… in the water?” His voice sounded broken and so far from steady you can come.

Jude didn’t dare to speak so he just nodded.

Connor pushed his body forwards with his hands and got in the water. Jude still sat down when Connor re-surfaced. When Connor pushed back his hair with his hands, water dripping down his face, Jude had to get in.

The feeling of the cold water against his body was blissful. He’d missed it so much. He felt free in the water. Safe. He took a few strokes and then he couldn’t stop smiling.

“God, I’ve missed this…” Jude said looking completely content.

“I can tell.” Connor tried not to show exactly how happy seeing Jude like this made him feel.

Jude was making up for lost time and swam around in the lake. Connor just watch him glow and even though the water was cold, Connor never felt warmer.

After about twenty minutes they got up and sat on the dock again. Jude was looking out over the lake. He can’t remember when he was this happy, if he’d ever been. It was thanks to Connor, no question about it.

Jude turned his head and looked at Connor, as Connor meet his eyes Jude said with a serious expression.

“Thank you. Thank you so much for this. I mean it.”

“You’re welcome.” Connor gave Jude a genuine loving smile.

Connor was sitting with his hands between his knees when it happened.

Jude put his hand on Connor’s nearest shoulder, gently rubbing his thumb against the naked skin.

Adam observes the boys from the bonfire. As Jude put his hand on his son’s shoulder he smiles to himself. He takes a sip from his beer and says under his breath, still smiling.

_“Jonnor…”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 16: Phil" is up Tuesday the 9th
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to the wonderful Chris Bruno who portraits Adam Stevens on The Fosters. He is a huge Jonnor shipper irl and I think he deserves to play a more likeably role in our boys life.
> 
> Let me know how you like Adam, and the rest of the chapter, in the comments.


	16. Phil

Connor’s body went rigid. Jude must have felt it but he kept his hand laying softly on his shoulder. Connor didn’t dare to take a breath until Jude gently started rubbing his skin with his thumb.

The first time he’d touched Jude had been a disaster. This time it was… he wasn’t sure what this was. Connor wasn't sure of anything right now. If someone had asked him to spell his name he'd failed. All he knew was that this meant a great deal. He could feel that this moment was… significant.

Jude’s touch was tender. His thumb barely moving but it moved, of this Connor was sure. Even though Jude's fingers were cold, Connor’s body felt warm by the touch.

Connor closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Connor was sure he was imagining this but it all felt so intimate to him. It was as he’d never been touched before. It never felt like this when Melissa touched him.

The electricity going from his shoulder to the rest of his body made the memory of his ex-girlfriend seem like a very distant one. Another life. A life before the brown eyed boy’s existence was known to him. 

He wanted to touch Jude but he didn’t dare. Not after last time. He didn’t trust himself anymore around Jude, both his mind and body had betrayed him numerous times. In his head he kept reminding himself not to pressure Jude.

The moment Jude put down his hand, Connor missed the touch.

If he wasn’t focusing on breathing a whimper would surely have left his mouth involuntarily. _What was that, I’m so…_

Both boys sat there in silence, both of them seemingly scared to make the smallest sound.

Connor finally dared to look over at Jude. Jude was looking down at his lap. Connor couldn’t read Jude but he sure didn’t seem as carefree as in the water.

They sat there, still in silence, until Adam shouted from the shore.

“Boys, it’s starting to get late, I promised to have Jude back soon.”

Connor didn’t want this moment to end. He silently cursed his father for ending it, not knowing that Adam has given them as much time as possible, and then some.

“Hey, you ok?” Connor asked Jude as they were walking towards the truck. Jude was looking at the ground, a concerned look on his face.

“Yeah… I’m good.” Jude gave Connor a half-smile.

If Connor knew what to say, he would. Perhaps if his mind wasn’t still in a haze from Jude’s touch, he could say the right things.

They helped Adam pack up the stuff they brought with them in the truck.  As Connor was folding a chair his father put his arm around him and kissed him on the head.

“I love you son, so much.” Adam sounded almost emotional which Connor found a bit… weird.

Even though Jude wasn’t saying much, Connor reminded himself that Jude had a great time. That was the point of this whole trip after all.

There was a lot going around in Connor’s head as he sat down in the passenger seat of the truck.

Adam noticed that the boys were quite quiet and took it on himself to lead the conversation.

“So, you had a good time Jude?”

Jude looked as he was taken from deep thoughts as it took a while for him to answer, “Yeah, thank you so much for having me Mr. Stevens. A perfect day.”

Both Connor and Adam smiled at Jude’s words, father and son for a moment looking like spitting images of each other.

“Glad to hear Jude. But you call me Adam, okay? Mr. Stevens sounds like some stern homophobic baseball coach or something.” Adam chuckles

Both Jude and Connor flinches over that Adam used _that_ word but remain their cool.

Adam on the other hand was feeling quite good about the situation. If his suspicions were correct he figured he needed Connor to know that at least he would always be safe whenever Adam was around, always.

“I would like to see you with a baseball bat dad. I think it would take like 10 minutes for you and Jude to figure out which end to use.”

“Hey!” Adam gasped pretending to be offended.

“Rude!” Jude said.

“You see son, me and Jude are of the more sophisticated sort. We use our head to achieve greatness. You just can’t relate.”

“I’m pretty sure that your father isn’t supposed to call you stupid. I’m telling mom.”

Jude was laughing, he was loving how easy-going Connor’s and Adam’s relationship were.

After a moment of silence Adam asked.

”What do you guys say, want to listen to some music?”

Jude and Connor agreed.

“Hmm well the radio doesn’t work, but I got some CD’s…” Adam slowed down the car and started to flip through a cd-case.

“Do you guys like ABBA?”

“NO. God no dad.” Connor clearly had bad experiences from the subject at hand.

“Not really no.” Jude was a bit subtler.

“Kids these days…” Adam muttered and continued searching through the case.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“Shit,” Adam suddenly said, “we need to stop for gas.”

After driving for a few minutes Adam said, “I think the only place to fill up is in here. We might be a little late dropping you off Jude, hope that’s okay.”

And like that Jude was brought back to his reality. Him being home late was not good. At all. He gave a small nod as Adam looked at him through the rearview-mirror.

Adam noticed that Jude maybe seemed a little uncomfortable but he let it go.

As they pulled up to the gas station, Adam got out while the boys stayed seated.

“Hey Jude…”

“Yeah?”

“You think… you think we can go swimming again, sometime?”

Jude smiled at the recent memory, temporarily pushing the knot in his stomach away.

“Yeah… I hope so.”

Connor frowned over Jude’s phrasing. He continued.

“So, church tomorrow? You psyched?” He turned his head showing his smile to Jude.

“Please… Please don’t talk about that.” Jude’s mind had started to wander about what could happen when he comes home. He didn’t even want to think about church or anything related to that.

“Oh, sorry… I didn’t mea-.”

“It’s ok. I… I know.” Jude’s voice was weak. He focused on breathing and not thinking about any worst case scenario.

“Hey, you ok?” Connor was worried. He didn’t know why Jude was acting anxious. Had he pushed him too far with the swimming and everything?

“Yeah yeah… I’m just tired, that’s all.”

That was a lie, a lie Connor knew by heart. He also knew it meant Jude didn’t want to talk about it.

Adam returned and started the engine.

“Ok all set. Let’s go.”

As they were getting closer to Jude’s house Jude kept checking the time on his phone every other second. Jude should had been home 15 minutes ago.

Jude tried to keep as calm as he could. Breath normally… It will be ok. It will be ok. He hadn’t been home late for years. There was a reason for that. Maybe it was more ok now, he was 16 now and not a 12-year old kid that needed to be disciplined for being home late.

Yes, it was probably no problem now. He was with Adam and Connor. It wasn’t his fault. It was more Adam that was late than him.

He maybe would be grounded or yelled at. He could handle that. The knot in his stomach tightening as they were pulling up to the house.

“Okay, Jude we’re here now. Tell your foster dad I’m sorry for bringing you home late.”

Jude didn’t respond.

Jude focused on breathing. He was late but he still didn’t rush out of the car.

Connor turned around in his seat, when he saw Jude his face fell. Voice full of worry, “Jude… what’s the matter?”

This caught Adams attention as he also turned around, looking at Jude.

“Jude…? You ok there?”

_Keep it together. Don’t let them notice. You can do this. It won’t be so bad._

“Yeah… just… yeah.” Jude tried giving the Stevens’s a smile.

Adam wasn’t buying it. He looked at the house and back to Jude.

“Jude? Is it a problem that you are late? Should I come in and talk to him?”

“No!” Jude composed himself, “No… no need. No problem.” Jude moved to get out of the car.

Connor didn’t know what to say but he was worried sick. Something wasn’t right. Something was very wrong. He looked at his father just before Adam spoke.

“Jude, wait.”

Jude gulped and stopped his movements. He didn’t look at either Adam nor Connor.

“Jude. You can tell me or Connor if there’s something… bothering you.” Jude nodded to show Adam he understood.

“You’re always welcome to our house. Always. Anytime of the day. Call Connor if you need anything. Anything.” Adam still wasn’t ready to let Jude out of the car. Something wasn’t right.

Jude had to get out of this situation somehow. Just as he was preparing some great acting feat the front door opened.

Phil walked out on the porch, as Jude saw him smiling he knew…

Adam cranked down the window, “Hey! Sorry we’re late. Had to stop for gas. Jude’s just gathering his things.”

Connor didn’t like the way Phil was walking, smiling or talking. All of Connor’s essence could tell that something was very very wrong.

“Hi. You’re here now and in one piece. That’s what’s important.” Phil smiled reassuringly at Adam.

Jude got out of the car and started walking up the porch. Connor didn’t like this at all. He wanted to say something but Adam seemed convinced that Jude would be okay since Phil seemed to accept him being late but unharmed with nothing but a smile.

Connor had to say something, anything. He wanted to hear Jude’s voice. As Jude was getting close to the door Connor felt desperate searching for words.

“See ya in school, Jude!” _Pathetic…_

Jude turned around and gave him a smile. Jude stayed like that for a few seconds, just looking Connor in the eyes and smiling. The gaze broke as Jude turned back and entered the house.

The last thing Connor saw before Adam drove away was Phil, still smiling, following Jude and closing the door after him.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude was shivering as he heard the door close behind him. He was not ready for this.

He had had the best day of his life, with Connor. He had swum for the first time in over two years. Apparently he had temporarily left his body to let it act on its own as he had dared to touch Connor.

He knew he shouldn’t have, but he swears that his hand had moved by itself. It was because all that Connor had done for him. Jude already knew he found Connor perfect. Just the fact that he had brought clothes for Jude to swim in... it was almost too much for Jude to even take in. When his fingertips made contact with Connor’s skin he simply couldn’t pull away. It was like he’d never touched anything before in his life.

Jude remembers that Connor’s skin was so incredibly warm. When he saw Connor close his eyes, not pulling back, Jude wanted to stop time and just live in that moment for the rest of his life. 

Now here he was. Very far away from the lake. Connor’s warm skin felt not hours but several lifetimes away.

Jude stood looking submissively with his shoulder’s down and eyes closed. He had tried so hard not to give Phil a reason to _correct_ him, as he called it. It had been a while, Jude had even for a second started to hope that Phil had changed his ways. Jude had been stupid and, for a day, let his guard down.

Phil wasn’t saying a word. Jude stood there with his eyes closed waiting for his reaction. All he could think about was not to provoke him any further.

“You are late.” Phil broke the silence after a minute.

Jude didn’t engage. He just stood there being passive.

“I was nice enough to let you go.” Phil paused a moment, “And you repay me… with being late.”

“I… I’m sorry.” Jude’s voice already broken.

Jude could hear Phil taking slow steps behind him, the only sound he heard was the wooden floor creaking.

“You’re sorry?”

“Ye-yes. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” Jude was about to break.

“You’re damn right it won’t.”

“I’m sorry… please don’t.” Jude was sobbing.

“Don’t what?”

He knew. Now Jude knew what was coming. He had somewhere hoped that it wouldn’t turn to this, it was of course wishful thinking but when the realization sank in, Jude broke.

“Please… it wasn’t m-... my fault.” Jude was crying, warm tears running down his cheeks.

“Oh, but it was. Oh yes Jude, it was…” Jude could hear a drawer open between his sobs.

“I really hoped I would never have to do this again. I don’t like doing this you see.”

_Then don’t…_

“But I have to correct you, so you’ll learn. It’s for your own good.”

Jude had no words left. He hoped that it’d be over soon. He repeated “ _20 months…”_ in his head.

“Turn around.”

Jude bit his lip, trying to repress his sobs.

“Turn around.” Phil repeated.

Jude turned around slowly. He opened his eyes. As he already knew, the metal from Phil’s right knuckle shined brightly.

“This is for your own good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 17: Poker face" is up Thursday the 11th
> 
> If you want to discuss Waterloo or whatever, I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse at tumblr. It's mostly about Gavin. Ok, it's all about Gavin.


	17. Poker face

Adam looked over and read Connor’s worried face, “He’ll be alright. That Phil fellow might yell at him, but he’ll be alright.”

“Yeah… yeah he’ll be alright.” Connor said, mostly trying to convince himself.

As Connor kept looking out in the distance and constantly tapping his foot Adam finally said.

“You worry about him.”

“What?” Connor faced his father again.

“You’re worried about him. No?” Adam kept looking at the road.

“We-… Well of course I’m worried about him, he didn’t look alright when we left him.”

“He’ll be alright son. He was 20 minutes late and it was my fault. It can't be that big of a deal, ok?”

Connor didn’t respond. He still had a bad feeling.

“I can see why you like him.” Adam still looked straight ahead.

Connor looked questioningly at his father.

“He’s polite, smart and seems very kind.” Adam continued.

“Yeah… he is.” Connor didn’t really pay attention as all he could think about was that he was hoping that Jude was alright.

Adam weighed his words a while. His wife always told him he was like a little child the way he was teasing Connor. Adam thought that was unfair. It was way more in the way of an older brother.

“I even bet some girls… and some boys think he’s cute.” Adam bit his lip to keep him from smiling.

It took a few moments but he got Connor’s attention when he’d finally registered Adams words.

“What?” Connor look annoyed.

“Nothing, nothing. I’m glad you are friends. He seems like a good kid.” Even Adam had his limits.

“You are so weird…” Connor shook his head.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor laid in his bed thinking about the day he’d had. Hanging out with Jude had been great. He felt so comfortable with him, it was like they’d been friends for a long time. His favorite thing was to make Jude smile. He couldn’t really explain it but nothing felt better. Well almost nothing. Jude’s touch felt better.

 _Why is this so weird? I’ve had a girlfriend that I really liked. Jude’s had a girlfriend that he really liked. He said so. Don’t get carried away Connor..._ He started making sense of his feelings by sorting in his head. What had happened, really?

_We’ve looked at each other? Wow._

_We’ve had sent some texts, that could be considered flirty, as a joke? Big deal._

_Jude put his hand on my shoulder. He’d patted my shoulder thanking me for making him swim again._

_Fuck I’m so stupid…_

Connor kept going through the day in his head.

_Oh fuck, dad…_

Adam had of course been his usual self. Not being the least afraid of embarrassing Connor. That toilet paper roll thing was not funny though. How can he even think it’s ok to tell Jude about that?

And the singing… my god the singing. Connor put both his hands over his face while exhaling. The good part is that now when Jude’s meet him, worst parts over, hopefully.

Jude.

_Jude… he looked so… God I hope he’s alright._

Connor tried for as long as he could to repress the urge to text Jude. Three minutes was about as long as Connor could.

“Hey J! Thx again for today I had a gr8 day. Hope ur foster dad wasnt 2 mad.”

Connor had noticed that Jude always referred to him as his foster dad, not Phil, so he did the same.

He regretted not asking Jude a question, now Jude could read the text and be ok without Connor knowing so. He considered sending another one but he hindered himself, he was surely being worried for nothing.

Jude never replied to Connor’s message and finally, Connor fell asleep.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

When Connor awoke the following morning he immediately checked his phone.

No new messages.

The bad feeling from yesterday had never really gone away and now Connor was worried sick again. It was too early to call Jude and texting him again seemed pointless. He laid in his bed contemplating about what to do. He had soccer practice in, Connor checked his phone again, three hours.

Connor sighs and got up from his bed. He stops before his mirror and takes a look at himself. He stands there for quite a while, trying to figure out if he still knows the person staring back at him. He used to but now... he wasn't as sure anymore.

Since moving to San Diego so much had happened. It was like he was a different person. It had happened fast. Too fast? Come to think about it, only one thing had really happened. Jude.

Before leaving his room for the bathroom he notices his mirror still isn’t hanging straight. He doesn’t correct it.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor’s sitting in the car while his mother is driving. He’s constantly checking his phone. The time is 10:45am, soccer practice starts in fifteen minutes.

“What’s the matter?” His mother inquiries.

“Huh?”

“Your foot will come through the car mat if you’ll keep tapping it like that.”

“Oh… sorry.”

“So, what’s the matter?”

“Umm… nothing. I need to call somebody.” Connor says absentmindedly and starts fiddling with his phone.

His mother looks over at him. _Should I worry?_ She decides to cut him some slack, being 16 and moving to another state can be explanation enough.

The signals are going through but no answer. Connor’s biting his lip as he waits for the call to go to a generic voicemail greeting.

“No answer?”

“Nope…” Connor stares out the window. _Fuck_.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

As they pull up at the soccer stadium Connor jumps out and starts searching the bleachers. He sees Madison and Hannah sitting and talking to each other. He doesn’t have much time before practice starts, his body is acting on its own as he sprints over the field towards the girls.

“Hey guys! Umm… have you heard from Jude?”

The girls look up and greets him with a smile. Madison’s hands instantly start twirling her hair, it looks really natural, Madison’s sure of.

“Hey Connor, no I haven’t heard from him since yesterday. You guys went fishing right?” Hannah responds.

“Yeah we did… umm...,” Connor stops himself looking at Madison’s lap, “Hey, is that… binoculars?”

“No.” Madison responds while her eyes are flickering all over the place.

“Umm… okay, well anyway can you tell him to call me if you hear from him, ok?”

The girls agree and Connor starts sprinting back to the field since coach is starting to sound angry. Connor makes an effort during practice, mostly because his mother is spectating and that meant that he wouldn’t hear the end of it if he was showing distraction.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

In the car ride back home, Connor calls Jude again and as it did last time it goes to voicemail. Connor was getting more than concerned.

“Ok that does it. What is it Connor? Talk to me.” His mother lost her patience seeing her distracted son, once again, not being present.

“It’s nothing. Just tired after practice.” Connor doesn’t even know what to tell his mother. That he’s got a bad feeling about Jude’s foster dad?

Mrs. Stevens rolls her eyes. _Yeah, sure._

“Hey mom, can we go by Jude’s house?”

“Why?”

_Legit question… maybe I should at least try and think ahead._

“I just… I left some books there last time and I need them.”

Mrs. Stevens slowed down the car and looked over at her son.

“It’s ok if you don’t want to tell me everything that goes on in your head. But you _do not_ lie to me, Connor Stevens. Understood?” It wasn’t often that she needed to remind him that she was the matriarch of the family but this time she found it necessary.  

Connor looked down in defeat, “Sorry, mom.”

“Whatever it is I’m sure it can wait until tomorrow. Besides, you promised you’d help your father grocery shopping when we get back.”

“Yeah… yeah I’m sure it can wait.” Connor was back to looking out the window.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor and Adam were going through the pantry and fridge while making a grocery list. Connor figured he’d try reaching Jude one more time, not really expecting an answer.

As he had his phone cradled against his shoulder he heard someone pick up. Connor stopped everything and exhaled. As he heard a voice on the other side all Connor wanted to do was to laugh out loud but he composed himself.

“Hey…” Jude sounded tired but it was unmistakably Jude.

“Hey! God I’m so glad to hear your voice, I was worried sick when you didn’t answer me.”

After a brief moment Jude replied, “No need to worry… I’ve got a cold... No school tomorrow.” Connor did notice once again that Jude sounded exhausted as he spoke slowly, his voice small and barely audible.

“Okay sorry to hear you’re not feeling good… perhaps it was the swimming?” Even though Connor sympathized with Jude his joy from just talking to him was evident.

“Yeah… maybe. Thanks for calling. We’ll text ok”

“Ok… no problem. Get better soon. See you.”

“I will… see you.” Jude hung up the phone.

Connor was smiling, no he was beaming, as he put his phone back in his pocket.

“Jude’s ok?” Adam had of course witnessed the conversation.

“Yeah, yeah he’s ok, just really tired from catching a cold.” Connor smiled at Adam while he finished up the grocery list.

“Ok. Good.” Adam smiled at seeing Connor loosen up for the first time since before the car ride back home from the lake.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“Dad?”

“Yeah, what is it?” Adam replied as they were heading back from the grocery store. Connor had been deep in thought up until now.

“When did you know you liked mom?”

“What?” Adam looked over at his son. Seeing Connor’s serious expression, he started searching for an answer.

“Oh… geez son that’s a long time ago. But yes, I do remember. It was the first time I saw her.” Adam was looking back at a fond memory for sure, his eyes glistering.

“I was the designated driver for a bunch of guys I don’t even talk to anymore. We were at a house party, I remember standing outside in the garden. There must have been a hundred people there or something.” Adam almost choked up, clearly he hadn’t thought about this moment for a while.

“I wasn’t doing anything in particular but then I saw her. And she saw me. She was standing in a crowd but it didn’t matter, there was only her. Her green eyes. That’s what I mostly remember from that moment. Her green eyes.”

Connor gulped, something stirring in his stomach.

“But… you hadn’t even talked? I mean how did you know? She could have been like a nazi or something.”

Adam laughed, “Well son. I just knew. It was love at first sight I guess.”

“That’s stupid.” Connor said softly, he didn’t know if he was talking to himself or Adam.

“Yeah I guess it is. That’s something you’ll learn son. Love is stupid.”

As Connor seemed to go back to his head, Adam continued.

“Why are you asking me these things son?”

Connor and Adam had always been able to talk about almost anything. Even if Adam embarrassed him, Connor knew he could trust Adam. They had always been close. Way closer than Connor was with his mother.

Well at least they used to be close. Adam missed Connor telling him everything he was feeling, but he guessed that came with growing up.

“I don’t know, I’m just… curious I guess.”

“Do you miss Melissa?” Connor’s ex-girlfriend was pretty fucking far from his mind but he forgot that his father obviously couldn’t read his mind.

“No… no I don’t think so. A little perhaps.” Connor shrugged while telling what he considered a little white lie.

“Then I don’t think it was love son.”

“No, probably not.”

Adam Stevens was no fool, even if he didn’t know what was going on in his son’s head, he had a hunch. He’d had it for quite a while. Pressuring Connor was however not on his agenda, but making him feel absolutely safe at home was crucial. As he knew that in their family, making Connor feel safe regarding this subject was up to him, he continued.

“There’s another way of knowing if you like someone, like that.”

Connor looked at his father, a bit surprised as he hadn’t really asked.

“The first time you touch. You know _really_ touch.” Adam met Connor’s eyes.

Connor gulped, once again.

“It’s like electricity. Nothing else matters and you feel like you’ve never been touched before.”

Connor looked straight ahead. His heart was racing. _Fuck_.

Adam was observing his son as they sat in silence for a while. Connor let the words sink in. He almost had his heartbeat under control when Adam spoke again.

“So… Jude huh?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 18: Breathing and surviving, breathing and surviving" is up Friday the 12th
> 
> As you guys are leaving such encouraging comments I'll post the next chapter tomorrow. I'll also do my very best to speed up the updates (without letting if affect the quality).
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr, add/msg me to discuss Waterloo or whatever.


	18. Breathing and surviving, breathing and surviving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> I decided to edit out the detailed description of the abuse that Jude suffered. I didn't find it to be important enough for the story this time, that you know about what happened is sufficient. 'Disturbing' scenes will however be necessary for the story later on.
> 
> I hope you don't mind.

_“Ok… no problem. Get better soon. See you.”_

_“I will… see you.”_

 

Jude closed his eyes and gasped for air the moment he hung up the phone on Connor. It had taken Jude every ounce of energy to complete the conversation with Connor without breaking down.

His chest and stomach hurt so bad he was sure he’d pass out, again. He laid down in his bed with tears running down his cheeks from the pain.

Jude took shallow breaths, as anything else would cause him too much pain. He’d taken way too many painkillers than you’re supposed to. On the other hand, you’re probably not supposed to have your ribs broken without any medical care either.

As Connor wouldn’t stop calling, Jude knew he had to put on the charade of his lifetime. A worst-case-scenario would be Connor coming over unannounced, Jude could not risk that. Connor was too important.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The night before

 

Jude woke up in the middle of the night, he’d apparently passed out from the pain of the abuse. He screamed and cried as the pain was excruciating. Phil came out of his bedroom and told him to shut up or he had to shut him up for good.

Jude muffled his screams and sobs in the bend of his arm. He was unable to move from the pain. He didn’t know for how long he laid there but it must have been hours. All he could think about was breathing and surviving, breathing and surviving.

After a while he attempted to crawl up the stairs to his room and his bed. After he’d made it up two steps he once again passed out, the pain from his chest forced his body to shut down.

Jude woke up after several hours, and after much pain and hassle this time he was able to get to his bed only to pass out once again.

He awoke for the third time since getting back to the house. It was nearly 11am and Connor was calling him. He had no intention whatsoever to talk to Connor in this condition. He took a handful of painkillers from his drawer which he had as he sometimes used them to be able to sleep better.

An hour later Connor called again, he couldn’t even imagine speaking but Jude knew had to come up with something. What if Connor came over and Phil would attack him? No. No that was not an option. Not Connor.

He could take this, but Connor was too perfect and pure to have to endure anything like that.

Jude focused on trying to get his breathing under control for Connor’s next call, which he figured would be coming through any minute now. _God I wish he’s not on his way already._

As Jude was about to send Connor a reassuring text of some sort, Connor was calling again. He thought about just texting Connor but he figured he would get suspicious so he answered.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Back to the Stevens’s car

 

“So… Jude huh?”

Connor froze up and apparently he didn’t find it necessary to breath anymore. His father’s last words left the car silent as a grave. His lips parted as they started to tremble, he closed his eyes as his head bent forward.

“And you _do not_ lie to me, Connor Stevens.” Adam laughed slightly after giving a perfect imitation of his wife.

Adam’s attempt to make Connor more comfortable seemed futile as his son still held his head downwards. Connor kept his eyes closed and if he was taking any breaths at all, they were shallow.

“Hey? Connor?” Adam said with a worried voice as he saw all the signs of Connor breaking down.

Connor started crying, mouth closed so that only muffled sobs came out. Head still hanging down, tears started to come down his cheeks.

Adam stopped the car next to the sidewalk. They were in their neighborhood but still a few minutes away from home.

“Hey, so-“

“I’m sorry.” Connor’s voice barely breaking through his more violent sobs. Tears pouring down his already red cheeks.

Adam quickly leaned over and embraced his son, letting Connor’s head fall in the crook of his neck. Connor’s face was already wet from all the tears and he continued sobbing into his father’s neck and sweater.

Connor’s arms were still hanging passively as Adam run his left hand in soothing strokes over Connor’s back, trying to make him stop shaking.

Connor kept repeating, “I’m sorry.” every other second.

Adam tried to hush his son as he seemed to have trouble breathing through his sobs.

“Breathe, son. Breathe.”

“You got nothing to be sorry about.” Adam continued “Nothing.”

They stayed like that for a few minutes. Adam realized that he hadn’t held his son like this in a long time. Sure he hugged him all the time, but this was… different.

Connor was still crying but not as violently as before. He was still struggling with his breathing.

Adam didn’t quite recognize the grown-up body that he was holding in his arms. Connor was not a boy any more, he was most certainly a young man. Adam’s sometimes juvenile mindset made a mental note to crack some joke about steroids when the time would be right. Now, not being the time. Even he knew that.

As Connor’s breathing became more regular he finally put his arms around his father and hugged him back. Adam shifted his hand from Connor’s back to his hair and kissed his wet cheek. The two men pulled back and Connor exhaled massively as he closed his eyes and resigned back into his car seat.

Connor finally opened his eyes and looked at his father. Adam looked back at his son whose face was a complete mess. His eyes were red and his cheeks still clearly wet from all his tears.

Adam gave him a sympathetic look before he spoke again.

“So… Jude huh?” Adam smiled warmly at Connor.

Connor was a mess. After the emotional breakdown he felt so fucking tired. Hearing Adam say those words, with that look in his eyes and with that smile, Connor’s instinctively smiled back and even snickered at his father.

“Yeah… it's... it's starting to look that way.” Connor loved his father so much right here in this moment.

“It’s just… fuck. I don’t know.” Adam didn’t correct his son’s language, just this one time.

“It’s all happening… so fast. I don’t know… or I think I do. Fuck.” Adam once again let it slide.

After giving Connor a minute, Adam asked him with a warm and calm tone.

“So tell me son, when did you see him for the first time?”

“First day of school. In the cafeteria…”

Adam nodded before continuing, “I bet you knew the color of his eyes after that day, huh?”

“How did yo-?”, Connor was surprised by his father’s clarity.

“You told me a little too quickly how stupid I was when I saw your mother.”

Connor should have known. His father had always been excellent at reading other people, no matter the circumstances. Of course he had read Connor like an open book.

“But it’s no use… even if I would want something to happen, it won’t. He’s straight.” Connor looked sad. Adam never could stand to see his son looking sad.

“I know I don’t have a... What do you call it... yeah, a gaydar or something like that son but, the way he was rubbing your shoulder yesterday didn’t scream heterosexual to me.” As usual Adam was trying to ease the tension with humor.

“I don’t think he meant anything by it…” It didn’t always work.

Connor looked even more serious than before, “Please don’t say anything to mom.”

“Ok, I won’t.”

“The thing is I don’t even know… what this is. What I am. It’s just... happened so fast. I need more time… to figure things out.”

Adam nodded at his son, “I understand…"

When Connor seemed to have settled down Adam said "Should we get going? The frozen goods are going bad.”

“Yeah, let’s go.”

Adam started the engine and headed out on the road again, “Hey, does this count as you coming out? I need to know what to tell the guys at work.”

“Dad.” Connor was not amused.

“Oh, come on! That was funny and you know it.” Adam was.

As they pulled up on their driveway a few minutes later, Connor had one more thing to say to his father.

“Dad. Thank you, for... this. You know.” He gave Adam a small smile.

“You’re welcome, son. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor spent the rest of the evening laying in his bed trying to sort out his thoughts. He knew he felt something for Jude, that fact he couldn’t deny even if he tried to. And in all honesty he’s tried quite fucking hard to deny it.

The thing that scared Connor was that things were moving too fast. Jude, and everything regarding him, has happened… too fast. He shouldn’t be able to have this much impact on him, it wasn’t making sense to him.

Thinking about it, Connor never had thought much about… feelings in that way. He’d hung out with his friends, played soccer and just lived life. He honestly didn’t think he’d been attracted to another boy before. Thinking more about he wasn’t sure he’d been overly attracted to anybody before.

Sure there were girls that he knew was cute or even hot. Whatever hot means. There had been boys that he’d found cute as well, but he never figured that was strange, in his mind he was just being observant.

When his body started changing for real, a little over a year ago, girls started to notice him even more. Some of his friends had girlfriends but it was never important to Connor.

Then Melissa came along, for sure one of the more popular girls at Arizona Sun High. Melissa was _hot_ but also very kind. Something that’s always been important for Connor was to only surround himself with kind people, he could never stand people that were mean to others. Never.

At a party in February Connor had his first kiss when Melissa kissed him. Connor didn’t back away. Sure, he didn’t initiate the kiss but he surely didn’t back away either. Shortly after they became a couple, which felt… good Connor remembers while thinking about it.

He liked holding her hand in school, he liked feeling appreciated. Melissa was never late to compliment him and making him feel, special. A few times things had gotten heated during some make out-sessions, but that was that. He honestly wasn’t ready to have sex.

Hearing his friends talk about how sex was all they could think about, he felt a bit weird but he figures he just needed more time. Their break-up was quite rough though. They were both sad, but Melissa had been more affected by it for sure.

He hated it so much, that he was the cause of her tears. When Connor cried about the break-up, it was over the fact that Melissa was hurting not that he was. 

Connor’s thoughts about Melissa once again brought tears to his eyes. God he hoped she was ok in Arizona. In time she would be though, of this he was sure.

But that was history. Here and now something in him was awakened some three weeks ago. Not only did he want to hold Jude and… make him feel safe… _God I’m pathetic…_ He also had… other thoughts. Not all of them romantic hand holdings with pretty flowers and kisses under the moonlight.

This was what was new to Connor. He wanted Jude. His body wanted him, it couldn’t be denied. Up until the move to San Diego he’d fantasized about whoever and it was just about him getting off.

Now all he could think about was Jude. He was scared, truth be told, how easy it was to solely fantasize about sex with a guy instead of a girl. It wasn’t _a_ guy though, it was Jude. The big difference was that one of his most common fantasies was to satisfy Jude, it wasn’t all about him.

He hadn't even noticed that he... finished, about ten times faster while thinking about Jude compared to anyone else. Well, maybe he had. _Fuck…_

So yeah, Connor was in pretty deep shit.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude wasn’t in school on Monday due to the cold, Connor was informed by text. He wished him a speedy recovery and hoped Jude hadn’t regretted the swim. He had not, he assured him that "it was worth it".

As Connor read Jude’s assuring text going into the cafeteria he smiled for himself and looked around. There was the soccer team-table, including John & Scott – no thanks. He sees Jude’s five friends sitting at their usual table. _What the heck..._

“Hey guys, is it ok if I sit with you since Jude is home sick?” Connor has never been a shy guy, everything including Jude apart that is.

“Yes!” Madison exclaimed and nearly spat out parts of her apple in the process.

The others nodded, including Chris. He’d realized more and more that he had no reason to be angry at Connor, feeling quite proud of himself for making an adult observation for once. There was however one thing that bothered Chris about Connor, he hoped he was just being paranoid.

“We are curious Connor. Jude, fishing? How bad was it?” Ashley inquiries.

“Oh it was pretty bad.” Connor grins at them.

 _God he is gorgeous._ Madison is transfixed just staring at Connor while he’s talking.

“He got a bite though. After much struggle and hassle, this monster appeared from the depths.” Connor took out his cellphone and showed them the picture of Jude smiling wide while posing with his shrimp/fish.

The gang chuckled seeing Jude as the master fisherman he surely was.

“At least it’s nice to see him smile like that, it’s not that… usual.” Madison says. Hannah nods.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

They sit and talk through lunch, Connor tries to join in whenever he can. As they stand up to leave the cafeteria going to class Chris asks Connor.

“Hey man, can we talk going to class?”

Connor was a bit surprised by this as Chris usually didn’t talk to him overly much.

“Yeah sure, no problem.”

When the gang split up and Chris and Connor could talk a bit more privately Chris starts.

“So listen man, first up I’m sorry for being kind of a douche to you.”

Connor frowned, he hadn’t thought Chris to be a douche, just a bit reserved towards him.

“Hmm that’s okay. You know my leg is fine so, no worries.”

Chris thought for a second that he was ready to open up about his insecurities regarding soccer but he decided against it. He had something more important to discuss with Connor.

“Yeah… ok, good. So… you’re becoming friends with Jude?”

Connor flinched as he wasn’t prepared to hear his name.  _Weird..._

“Yeah, yeah I guess you can say that.”

Chris is silent for a while.

“Why?”

“What?” Connor was taken a back.

“Why?” Chris pushed.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Ok… I’ll say it. And you listen, Stevens.”

Connor didn’t know where Chris was going with this but he didn’t appreciate his tone. The two had stopped walking and was looking at each other.

“I know you’re friends with John & Scott.”

“I am no-,“ Connor wanted to protest but was interrupted by Chris.

“I swear to you. If you befriending Jude is some sick plan they’ve come up with to hurt him, I will fucking kill you.”

Connor’s eyes widened. Chris was not messing around as he looked Connor in the eyes with an extremely serious expression.

“Wh-What? Are you serious?” Connor was baffled and had a hard time wrapping his head around Chris’s word.

“I am.” Chris didn’t take his gaze away from Connor’s eyes.

“I…,” Connor was still taking in what Chris said, “First of all, I am NOT friends with _them_. After I heard what they did to Jude at the beach I’m never going to be friends with them. Ever.” Connor was looking just as seriously back at Chris.

“I like Jude.” Connor gulped, he didn’t like how that sounded. Or maybe he did.

“He’s cool.” He filled in. _Coward._

Chris searched Connor’s eyes, “Ok. Alright… Good.” Chris finally nodded at Connor.

“I had to make sure.”

“See you at practice Stevens, don’t be late.” Chris gave Connor a smirk and carried on towards his class room. Connor was left speechless.

_What is it with this school? Djeez…_

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Back at home that night Connor thought about telling Jude about his encounter with Chris. He wanted to know exactly how much John and Scott had harassed him to make Chris suspect Connor befriending him just to hurt him. It wasn’t something you come up with out of the blue, he figured.

“Hi J! U missed like 6 classes today, angst much? ;)”

It took a good 15 minutes for Jude to reply.

“Hi C! Please don’t remind me.”

Connor started to type in a reply.

“/Jude” followed by “;)”.

Connor snickered, “Sry, wont happen again. U going 2 school tmrw?”

“Yeah I have to. I have a test that I can’t miss second period so I guess I’ll stay the whole day.”

“Ok sucks. Let me know when ur gtg 4 studying.”

“Yeah will do. Might be a while.”

Connor read Jude’s last text feeling a bit disappointed.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Tuesday morning and Connor was not feeling it. He was tired from being awoken what felt like the dead of night. In reality it was only about half an hour earlier than he usually got up.

Mrs. Stevens were picking up an old friend at the airport so she had to drive Connor to school 30 minutes earlier than usual. When they were about 5 minutes from school, making Connor arrive way before anybody else he was sure, he spotted a known figure.

“Hey mom pull over, it’s Jude!”

Connor had time to register that Jude was walking very slowly, seemingly struggling with each step.

“Hey, Jude!”

Jude was startled but gave Connor a smile as he shouted at him from the car window.

“Hey Connor.” Jude looked pale, tired and sounded exhausted.

“You want a ride?”

“God, yes please.” Jude sounded relieved.

As he got in the back seat, Jude let out a groan before saying hello to Mrs. Stevens.

“You ok, Jude?”

“Yeah yeah I’m fine. Just really messed up from the cold. Have to take baby steps. Had to start walking like an hour before school started. Just so I was sure to make it on time.” Jude took short pauses between each sentence, Connor noticed.

As they arrived at Anchor Beach, Jude thanked Mrs. Stevens for the ride and the both of them got out of the car.

Jude misjudged the height as he sat foot on the asphalt, his chest hurt immensely and he dropped his backpack while groaning.

As Mrs. Stevens was driving away Jude could only observe the pending disaster rolling out of his backpack.

“What’s this?” Connor reached down at his feet and picked up a roll of surgical tape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 19: Mrs. Stevens" is up Saturday the 13th


	19. Mrs. Stevens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit shorter than normally since I moved around a few parts while editing. There are some important plot pieces in it though.

Connor was still holding up the roll of surgical tape while looking at Jude.

Jude started to semi-panic. _Shit_.

“Umm…” Jude’s mind was going 100 mph trying to come up with an answer that was good enough.

“Jude, why do you have this with you?” Connor looked confused.

“Umm… I don’t know.”

Connor raised an eyebrow, not overly impressed with Jude’s answer.

“Oh now I remember. It must have been left in my backpack since before.”

“Before what?” Connor really had no idea.

“Umm…” Neither had Jude.

“Before, when I needed it. I sprained my ankle in P.E. class last semester.” _Nice one Jude._

 _He’s lying._ Connor could tell by the way Jude was squirming, searching his head for an adequate answer rather than remembering a real event.

“So, can I have it back?” Jude reaches towards Connor who with a second’s hesitation gives it back to Jude.

They start walking over the school yard in silence. Slowly, so Jude can keep up. Connor can’t for the life of him understand why Jude would lie to him about it. He didn’t like it though. Not one bit.

“So, we’ll text? I want to go study before the test.” Jude tries to break the quite uncomfortable silence.

“Yeah ok, we’ll text. Good luck on the test.” Connor resigns and starts walking towards where his upcoming class will take place.

“Don’t need it, but thanks.” Jude smirks at Connor. It’s enough to make Connor forget for a little while about the fact that Jude had just lied to him.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude had just finished his test and was going as fast as he could towards the bathroom. He had, once again, trouble breathing and the pain from his chest was starting to be too prominent.

As he reached the boys bathroom he locked himself into a stall immediately. He opened his backpack and shoved down a handful of painkillers in his mouth. He lifted his shirt and began to tape his chest in a way the pain from his ribs would lessen. He sat down on the closed toilet seat, panting to catch his breath. 

As he sat on the toilet seat he couldn’t help to think about Connor. He hated to lie to him earlier today but there on the spot, he had no choice. He was sure that Connor knew he was lying. He could see it clear as day. He could see the... disappointment. 

Jude had done many things out of character when it came to Connor. His next move however, was something almost his entire body recommended against. It didn’t matter though. Jude somehow knew he had to do it.

“Sorry for lying to you earlier. I will tell you someday, I promise. Just let me decide when. /Jude”

This time, in contrary to most of the other times, he didn’t regret his text to Connor right away. It was the right thing to do, he was sure. Well, he was almost sure. Thinking about it, perhaps it was a mistake. _God I hope I won’t regret this…_

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Hannah and Madison were sitting at the lunch table waiting for the others to join them.

“So hey, we need to start planning for the Halloween party. We’re still on for your house yeah?”

“Come on Maddie it’s like a month away, do we really need to start already? Yeah my parents are away and they said it was ok to have a _small get-together_ ” Hannah emphasized the last part, making sure Madison got the message.

“Yeah we do, we need to start planning on the guest list, the outfits, the punch, where the orgy will take place.”

“Maddie…”

“Ok, ok no punch, djeez you’re no fun...”

Hannah just rolled her eyes.

“Besides, you need to help me with something.” Madison continued “I’m gonna do it.”

Hannah just looked expectantly at Madison, as she wasn’t responding Hannah obviously needed to specify “Yes? Do what? You know it’s pretty hard to guess when all the information is labeled “it””

 “I’m gonna ask Connor to be my date.” Madison smiles while she nods at Hannah, clearly very pleased about herself for some reason.

Hannah’s stomach clenched a bit at Madison’s words, something inside her instantly telling her this could have a bad outcome.

“Hello? You’re not gonna say anything?”

“Humm… I’m just a bit surprised… sorry.”

“Really? You’ve never picked up on anything? Yeah I guess I’ve been discreet as fuck. I mean the binoculars really was for bird watching, as you very well know.”

Hannah gave Madison a clear faked laughter “Well I know you think he’s hot and all, just didn’t know you’ve considered dating him or anything.”

“Oh hush, the others are coming, don’t want anyone else to know about this.” Madison said to Hannah as the rest of the crew were gathering at the table.

As Jude sat down, Hannah gave him a soft smile before she was lost in thoughts about what Madison’s plans could have for effect on her friends.

Jude’s friends greeted him welcome back. As it was quite painful Jude didn’t want to speak more than necessary. As this was very much in character, the others didn’t notice. His lunch consisted of a smoothie as chewing something solid was much harder than simply drinking from a straw.

He felt a pair of eyes on him and as he looked up he caught Chris looking at him with, if Jude didn’t know better, worry written all over his face. Chris looked away when Jude’s facial expression clearly asked him “What?”.

Jude’s phone buzzed, incoming text. He took up his phone from his pocket, it was from Connor.

“Its ok. Thx 4 telling me. U decide when u tell me more.”

“Thank you. I am really sorry.”

“Forget it. U wanna ride home after school? Going 2 the gym w mom, we can go by ur house.”

Jude thought about for a while, not entirely comfortable with the idea of seeing Connor so soon after his confession. Then he thought about exactly how comfortable it would be to take a walk home that probably would take him an hour.

“If it’s no problem for your mom I would love to. Thanks a lot.”

“Np. Cya @ the parking lot 3.30”

Jude didn’t want to go back to his house, but he had no choice. With everything happening the last couple of days Jude figured he should be completely devastated and exhausted. He was in pain, both physically and mentally. Thing was though, and this scared Jude the most, that it felt all too familiar to him... it wasn't that bad. And he knew that it should be. It should be very bad. It shouldn't be... like this.

Even during these circumstances, Connor still managed to make him smile. This time it was because Jude couldn’t help to find it funny that Connor typed “@” instead of “at”, probably just taking him longer to do so.

“Hey Jude.” Hannah leaned in to get his attention.

Jude looked at her when she asked him.

“You wanna walk home with me after school?”

“Ummm… thanks but I’m getting a ride with Connor’s mom. Besides it takes me forever to walk when I’m sick.”

Hannah nodded and gave him a soft smile, “Alright…”

“Hey Jude.” She continued as Jude had gotten back to look at his texts.

“It’s nice to see you smile. It suits you.”

There was something with Hannah’s tone that was off to Jude but he couldn’t pinpoint what it was so he just smiled at her as a thank you.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude arrived at the parking lot at about the same as Mrs. Stevens pulled up. Connor wasn’t there yet.

“Hey… sorry I forgot, it’s... Jules?” Mrs. Stevens asked as she pulled down the windshield.

“Almost. It's Jude. Hi Mrs. Stevens. Connor told me maybe you could give me a ride home?” Jude got a little worried that Connor hadn’t checked with his mom at all.

“Yes it’s fine, Connor told me it was on the way so it’s no problem.”

“Ok good. Thank you very much Mrs. Stevens.”

“You’re a polite young man. I like that. So, how’s my son been doing, does he learn anything?”

“Yeah… yeah I think he does, he’s catching up with the others.”

As they were speaking Connor came running over the parking lot.

“Sorry I’m late, got some assignment in English.”

The three of them got in to the car, Jude in the back and Connor in the front.

“Me and… Jude?... ” _Really, she doesn’t remember my name?_ “… were talking about your tutoring.”

“Umm… okay?” Connor looked at his mother.

“You know you only need to pass the classes. No need to spend unnecessary amount of time on nonsense.”

 Jude frowned and almost took offense _Studying… nonsense, who are you even?_

“It’s not like Connor’s gonna need it when he’s got a career in soccer. Things like algebra won’t exactly matter then now will it?” Mrs. Stevens chuckled.

Connor sat quiet, looking down in his lap. Jude wasn’t used to see Connor so resigned and passive.

Jude was about to say something kind of neutral when Mrs. Stevens carried on.

“If it wasn’t for that vice principal you wouldn’t even need to tutor him you know? Apparently he can’t play on the school’s soccer team if he doesn’t pass his classes. Can you believe that?”

 _Yes?,_ he thought but remained quiet.

Mrs. Stevens was almost sounding upset, finding Lena’s demands ridiculous.

“Oh that’s right! Jude I need to ask you.”

 _At least she remembered my name, that’s a start_.

“Yeah ok, what?”

“I’ve heard that she’s a lesbian, is that true?!”

Connor looked extremely uncomfortable, fiddling nervously with his hands and still hanging his head down.

Jude hesitated for a moment, not sure how he should interpret Mrs. Stevens tone.

“She’s married to a woman… so yeah I guess it’s true.” Jude replied.

Mrs. Stevens laughed. Jude found the laugh… eerie.

“Oh my god, really? Oh I guess we’re a long way from Arizona now aren’t we Connor?”

Connor remained silent and Jude didn’t like her tone when talking about Lena. It’s times like these that Jude wished that he wasn’t such a coward but as he barely even meet Mrs. Stevens before, he didn’t want to engage.

When Mrs. Stevens didn’t get a response from the boys she continued.

“I mean it’s just not normal were _we_ come from you know. We’re used to one man and one woman. Didn’t you go to church Jude, you know what I’m talking about right?”

Connor had seemingly gone mute, still staring at the apparently exceptionally fascinating lap of his.

Jude didn’t know what to respond to Mrs. Stevens but he had to say something as she was waiting for him.

“Yeah… they do try to teach us that there…” Jude said without any enthusiasm.

As Jude’s words left his mouth Connor flinched and took a deep breath.

At that moment Mrs. Stevens pulled up on Jude’s driveway.

“Thank you for the ride Mrs. Stevens. Bye Connor, see you at school.” Jude said before leaving the car.

“Bye…” Connor said with a small voice, seemingly thoroughly out of energy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 20: She knows" is up Sunday the 14th
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr, add/msg me to discuss Waterloo or whatever. Nothing makes me happier than when 'whatever' means Gavin.


	20. She knows

Jude laid in his bed and sorts out his thoughts. Well he tries to. Thinking about it, this has been something he’s done every day since school started. It seemed like almost every day there was some major emotional event that he needed to process.

He couldn’t figure Connor out. When it was just them everything was good. No, it was great. Jude felt so… safe, in lack of better words. Somehow he already felt he could trust Connor with anything. Well, almost anything.

Jude pulled at the seams of his shirt, revealing the hidden skin. Just above his belly button his skin had turned deep blue and by his ribcage it was purple. Jude gasped from the pain when he touched his torso with his fingers. He knows he should re-do the tape but he decides against it as it hurts too much.

As he lays in his bed, concentrating at breathing at a pace that eases the pain he thinks about what Connor’s mother had said. Or rather what she had implied. Lena Adams-Foster was one of his favorite persons in the world. He regretted not standing up for her when Mrs. Stevens insinuated there was something wrong with Lena for being gay.

There was one other thing that more than bothered him. He felt right out scared thinking about it. Mrs. Stevens was Connor’s mother. Chances were that Connor have the same opinions that his mother has. _No not Connor, he’s perfect…_

Jude closes his eyes and reminisce about him and Connor at the lake. The bare memory of it almost make him tear up. Talking to Connor, making him laugh, getting to know him, swimming with him and… touching him.

Connor’s skin had felt like the sun. It almost burned his fingers but still, or perhaps because of it, Jude thinks it’s the best moment in his life. No, he knows it was. Jude had really tried to ignore this… magnetic pull that he had towards Connor. But it seems like it was impossible since the day he saw those perfect and beautiful hazel eyes for the first time.

Jude almost always regrets everything he does that isn’t 100 % safe and not out of the ordinary. Touching Connor that night at the lake, that he’ll never regret for as long as he lives. Whichever way this will end, that feeling was worth anything. Anything.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

In a different part of San Diego, the boy with the hazel eyes laid in his bed staring at the ceiling. His mother had pushed even harder than usually at the gym, even if his muscles were sore he couldn’t care less. His mind was racing with impressions from the conversation in his mother’s car.

He hated that she had mentioned Lena in front of Jude. He knows that Jude likes Lena, he’s said it many times while they’ve been studying. She always does these things and he can’t stand it. She runs his life while she doesn’t even have a job of her own. She’s already acting like a mix between a soccer mom and a stage mom. He doesn’t even want to think about what will happen if he goes pro.

The thing that bugged him the most was Jude’s words, “ _They do try to teach us that there”_. _That_ being that anything other than one man and one woman is something not normal. It was something in Jude’s tone that was off though, or maybe Connor had imagined it. He had to know how Jude felt about _it_ , it was crucial to know how he felt about it.

Connor hadn’t talked again with his father about what they discussed in the car a few days ago. He had kind of told him he needed time so he guessed the ball was in his court if he wanted to talk about it. Connor didn’t know what he’d do without Adam.

He fell asleep while thinking about why Jude had lied to him, and what the truth behind the tape was. He had a feeling it was something… not good.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude was almost getting ready to go to sleep. He’d processed most of his thoughts. The big one remained though. It was something he’s been avoiding to think about for a long time. Because he’s scared to think about it. He’s scared of being… right. If he doesn’t think about it he still could be wrong, and by god he wanted to be wrong.

_She wasn't really in the room that night, I just imagined it..._

He’d texted Callie Sunday evening that he couldn’t talk to her the following day. He blamed his cold and that his throat hurt too much. Besides that it would have been harder than usual to fake being ok there was one other thing. And it was the big one for Jude. It had been for many years now. Ever since they were placed at Phil’s.

The thing was that Jude didn’t want to talk to Callie right now. He wanted to scream at her. Sometimes he even wanted to… hurt her. Of course he never would, but sometimes he wanted to.

After Phil had crushed his ribs and spirit with the brass knuckles something else awoke in him. That… thing, that resentment towards Callie. His everything. His only constant in this world. The one he _should_ be able to rely on. Well he supposed he should be able to rely on his foster parents but that ship sailed about a day after he moved into Phil’s house.

So here Jude was, considering if it was time to begin processing… _that_. Maybe some other time would be better? Perhaps when he’d figured out things with Connor? _No, it’s time. Long overdue._

Jude had for a long time forced himself to believe that he could trust Callie. That Callie would protect him from all harm, if only she knew about it. That’s why he tried so hard not to shine on that something was wrong when she called. Because if he did a credible job at it, it would also be… realistic that Callie didn’t know anything.

But he knows. That she knows. Laying in his bed, letting him follow his train of thoughts, he knows. That she knows. She has to know. He can’t deny it anymore.

Jude starts to cry thinking about all situations and moments where Callie had to know. All his screams and bruises that’s been ignored over the years. He closes his eyes but he doesn’t move an inch. He lets his tears fall down his cheeks and continue down on his pillow. His tears burn like fire but he likes it. He wants it to hurt. He needs for it to hurt, a lot. Crying feels better than thinking. An image of a door closing flashes through his mind - like he always does he pushes it far away. The truth behind it too horrible to accept as reality.

_She has to know… she has to know and she left me here. Alone with him. She left me here…_

Denial wasn't working anymore. Fooling himself wasn't working anymore. Ignoring memories he'll never forget wasn't working anymore. 

Crying was not something new for Jude Jacob. This Tuesday night was… something else though.

The physical pain from his chest was nothing compared to the pain he felt when he began the extremely traumatic process of accepting what Callie has done. She has to know what she moving away would mean, but she left him there. Alone.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

A few days passed and Jude avoided tutoring Connor as he wanted his body, and mind, to heal. He didn’t think he’d be able to put up the façade through several hours of studying and he wasn’t taking any chances. Connor finding out could be dangerous for him. It could be dangerous for Jude as well but that wasn’t what frightened Jude.

The way that Phil acted at home was what was most disturbing for Jude. Phil acted like nothing had happened. Never once did he acknowledge the clear fact that Jude was in pain, that he for instance barely could make it up the stairs to his room. It… sickened Jude. He didn’t expect an apology or anything like that, but that he was able to completely ignored it was somehow painful on its own.

Jude hadn’t been to P.E on Friday so he hadn’t seen Connor since the car drive with his mother. Their only interactions since had been Connor texting him about tutoring and Jude had turned him down, blaming his ‘cold’. Turns out that Connor Stevens wasn’t giving up that easily.

“Hi J! Plz tell me ur coming 2 soccer practice tmrw?”

God, Jude had undeniably missed this.

“Hi C! Wasn’t planning on it.”

“;( Plz? 4 me? I need some support on the bleacher”

“Oh no don’t try with me Stevens, I think you got plenty of support out there already.”

“Haha… but srsly would b fun 2 c u there”

Connor sent the message and started typing in another one, he hesitated not one but a few moments before sending it.

“Ive missed u man” _Man_ was added at the last second.

Jude read the message and got a warm feeling inside, the kind of warmth only Connor was able to summon. _He’s perfect…_

“Ok, I’ll try. I promise.”

Connor was satisfied with that, that Jude would try was more than enough for him.

“Gr8! Hope I c u there. Sweet dreams Jacob”

“Sweet dreams Stevens.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

As walking or riding his bike to the stadium was out of the question, the following day Jude called Ashley to see if he could tag along her and her mother as he knew they would be going by car.

Ashley’s mom did a full run and picked up Jude, Jacob and Hannah. Madison was stuck with her family all day, Hannah assured it was not to Madison’s liking.

Jacob went to the locker rooms and Jude and the girls hit the bleachers. They seemed to be a bit early, not many of the players had arrived yet. Hannah, Ashley and Jude discussed the school week. Well it was mostly Hannah and Ashley that discussed it as Jude had missed quite a few days due to his ‘cold’.

“Yeah guys before I forget. Madison is kind of forcing me to have a Halloween party as my parents are going away that weekend.”

“And of course you have absolutely no way of saying no to her?” Ashley didn’t buy it.

“Ok ok maybe I kind of think it could be fun too. Anyway you guys gotta come. Please?”

“Yeah sure, sounds like fun and I bet Jacob will be up for it.” Ashley says.

Jude is biting his lip, not quite sure it’s a good idea.

“Jude? What do you say?” Hannah asks

“Umm… I don’t know. You know I’m probably no fun at a party.” Jude tries an honest approach.

“Stop that Jude, we would love for you to come. _I_ would love for you to come.” Hannah assures Jude.

“Maybe.”

The girls nod, knowing full well that’s the best answer they’ll get.

Some of the guys on the team are warming up, Jude can’t see Connor yet. Not that he’s looking for him. Nope. Why should he?

Jacob runs up to the bleachers and Ashley looks apologetically at Jude and Hannah and goes down to meet him by the railing separating the field from the bleachers.

“So, how’s everything? Feels like we barely got time to talk nowadays.”

“Yeah I know… Sorry for not keeping in touch but it’s been an intense month.” Jude replies.

Hannah nods. She takes a moment before continuing, as she knows how Jude probably will react.

“How’s everything with Phil?” Hannah tries to read Jude’s body language.

Jude on the other hand tries to act casual but tenses up just from hearing his name. He can’t help it.

“Oh you know, same old same old.” He gives his usual answer when either Callie or Hannah asks him.

Jude’s never told Hannah anything about Phil but she’s always suspected that something wasn’t right when it came to that man. She’s tried to get him to open up but he never does, the way he shuts down when the topic arises does nothing to ease Hannah’s concerns.

“Hey Jude!” The two of them was interrupted by a voice coming from the soccer field.

It was Connor who jogged over to the railings and waved at Jude.

“I think he wants you to go down there.” Hannah said.

Jude hesitates for a moment but Connor continues to signal him to come down there.

“Yeah… Ok… Sorry, be right back.”

As Jude walked down the bleachers Hannah sat and observed her friends. Ashley and Jacob stood closely, Jacobs face was lit up by his brightest smile while looking at Ashley.

Jude and Connor stood not quite as close with Connor’s head being blocked out by Jude as Jude was standing on higher ground.

After a while, Jude started to walk back up towards her again. When he looked up at her she almost swore out loud but she repressed it. She’d seen that smile before but never on him. It was unmistakable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 21: Figured out" is up Monday the 15th
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr, add/msg me to talk about Waterloo, Lord Gavin or something else


	21. Figured out

“So what did he want?” Hannah asked when Jude sat down beside her, he was still beaming.

“Oh nothing really, just talked about when we’ll study the next time and stuff.” Jude shrugged while he was looking out towards the soccer field.

Hannah nodded for herself. After thinking it over for a while she started.

“Do you trust me Jude?”

That caught Jude’s attention. The way Hannah said it made him realize that she probably had something very specific in mind.

“Umm… yes, of course?”

“And you know you can tell me anything?”

“Yeah, of course.” Jude looked at Hannah not sure where she was going with this.

Hannah sighed, she had to do this on her own. Jude wasn’t exactly cooperating.

“You sure you’re ok?” She gave him a concerned look, not an unfamiliar one for Jude.

“Yeah… why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well…” Hannah hesitated.

Jude remained silent, he started to worry since he’s never seen Hannah like this.

“So you say you got a cold?”

“Yeah…?”

“Ok, shouldn’t you have like, you know, symptoms? Coughing? Sneezing? Runny nose?”

“Ehm-“

“And don’t give me another one of those fake coughs please. You’re terrible at them.”

Jude gulped. He didn’t know what to say so he just stared Hannah in the eyes.

“And another thing, you don’t think I see that you’re in some pain? You don’t think I notice that you wince every now and then?”

Jude looked away from Hannah and let his gaze fall downwards instead.

“And…” _Connor_ Hannah had his name on the tip of her tongue but she restrained herself.

“Well that’s it. Again, you sure you’re ok?” Hannah continued.

“I’m just not feeling well, it’ll pass.”

“Jude…”

“I don’t want to talk about it. I’m sorry. It’s nothing bad it’s just… I’m going through some… personal stuff. I’ll be better soon, promise.” Jude tried to give her a reassuring smile.

Hannah sighs again, more loudly this time.

“I wish you could trust me…” She said while staring straight ahead.

As Jude was about to assure her that he did trust her, Ashley was making her way back from her talk with Jacob.

“Sorry… Jacobie had to hear how good he looks in his gear.” Ashley didn’t seem sorry at all.

The three of them spectated the practice, the team were playing a practice game 5 vs 5 with subs. Jude had become increasingly invested in this game each passing day. Of course he always cheered for Connor, I mean why wouldn’t he? Connor was new in town, he needed the support.

Connor was, as usual, excellent. The only one that was even comparable, and it was barely, was Chris. Jude drifted away from the girl’s conversation about… he doesn’t even know, something about Channing Tatum he thinks.

Jude found the game to be exciting, 4-4 and coach have decided that the team that scores next will be the winner. Jude can’t take his eyes of Connor. He doesn’t know if he’s imagining things but that right there was the fourth time that Connor put a hard tackle against Scott, making him hit the ground. All encounters being on the edge of foul play, especially if you consider that it’s a practice game.

As usual Connor smiles while walking away from Scott that stays on the ground for a while before getting up, not smiling quite as much as Connor.

As Connor’s team gets a free-kick in a good position to score, Jude is almost sure of that Connor glances up towards him. He’s almost as sure of that Connor’s giving him a smile before stepping up and perfectly laying the ball behind David.

What he’s not sure of is why this makes him stand up, clap his hands and shout out “Go Connor!” while grinning widely.

Although he’s 100 % sure of that Hannah and Ashley are looking at him as if he’s from all the planets that are not Earth.

He sits down feeling embarrassed. Well, that he was embarrassed was a clear understatement.

“Sorry… it was just an exciting game.”

Both girls still sat in silence before Ashley broke it.

“Yeah… apparently it was. You sure you are Jude Jacob? I mean you look like him but that’s about it.”

Neither Jude or Hannah said anything so Ashley continued.

“And what was that, _Go Connor!_ ?”

Hannah had to intervene.

“Oh come on Ash never mind, you know how he’s been out of his mind these last weeks. Poor thing can’t handle the excitement of school. Can we talk about the party instead?”

“But…” Ashley wasn’t satisfied.

“Did I mention I’m getting wine-coolers?”

“Wine-coolers you say?” Ashley looked like she’d won the lottery or something and with that the girls were chatting on about the upcoming Halloween-party.

Beside them a brown-eyed boy sighed from relief. _Thank God for Hannah…_

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

September became October and Connor had experienced the most eventful month of his life. Life in San Diego had become very different from his life in Arizona. Some things were the same, he still spent a lot of time at the gym and he was still the best soccer player in school. One thing made all the difference though.

Jude Jacob.

A little more than a month had passed since he saw him for the first time. A month best described as an emotional roller coaster the likes Connor had never witnessed. Jude had been declining tutoring sessions for a few weeks but now he’d agreed to have Connor over.

Connor had missed his friend that he’d only seen a few times at school and at Connor’s soccer practices since their trip to the lake. They hadn’t really talked at all since that day. They’ve texted a few times but it wasn’t the same.

He’d spent some time with a few guys from the soccer team including Chris. Connor still couldn’t shake the feeling that Chris didn’t trust him entirely, he was still kind of reserved from time to time.

As Connor was laying in his bed and thinking about everything and nothing while throwing a tennis ball towards the wall and catching the rebound, someone knocked on his door.

“Come in.”

It was Adam.

“Hey son, can I come in?”

“Yeah alright.”

As Adam closed the door behind him Connor put the tennis ball away. Adam wanting to have a private conversation was probably worthy of all his attention.

“So… you’re going over to Jude’s tomorrow?” Adam said while taking a seat on Connor’s desk chair.

“Yupp. We’re starting studying as he’s feeling better again.”

Adam nodded while clearly thinking about what to say next.

“You haven’t really seen each other since we went fishing right?”

“No, not really…” Connor fiddled with his hands and avoided Adam’s eyes. Even though he knew that Adam always had his back, it still felt very uncomfortable to talk about.

“Alright… So, how do you… you know. Feel about it?”

“I don’t know. Or… I want to see him, I know that. But at the same time I’m… I don’t know...” Connor’s voice got lower and lower as he elaborated.

“Scared?” Adam tried to fill in.

“Something like that…”

Adam nodded once again, mostly to himself.

“Do you know what you’re scared about?”

Connor thought for a while, as it was a good question his father had asked him.

“I guess… I’m scared of… wanting something more. From him. And when he realizes, I’m scared that he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore.”

“Something more than friendship?” Adam leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

Connor hesitated, still not looking at his father, before he slowly nodded.

“Ok…” Adam takes a minute before continuing.

“Does this mean that you’ve… figured things out?”

Connor bit his lip.

After a few moments he finally looked Adam in the eyes and nodded.

“Yeah… yeah I have.” Connor didn’t look happy about his realization. He didn’t look sad either. But he looks… troubled, if Adam had to put a word on it.

Adam wants to smile at his son, he’s not sure if he’s ever been more proud and that’s saying something the way Adam feels about his son. Connor’s troubled appearance is however a concern so he tries to refrain.

“Well I think that’s good news son. Figuring things out is always a good thing. Figuring out things like this…” Adam suddenly tears up, something neither he or Connor was expecting.

“Dad?”

Adam gets up from his chair and sits down at his son’s bed. He put both his arms around Connor and lifts him up into a hug.

“I’m so proud of you son. I’m so proud of you.” Adam speaks with a broken voice while holding Connor.

Connor hugs his father back, tears falling from his cheeks as well.

They stay like that for a few minutes, just holding each other. Even if Connor’s mind at the moment is filled up with a hundred different emotions one stands out clearly, he loves his softie of a father.

As they pull back they both dry their eyes. When Connor thinks he’s got his emotions under control  Adam speaks.

“So, how do we get him?”

“Daaaad…” Connor chuckles, still teary-eyed, and falls back into his bed smiling.

Adam laughs softly over his son’s embarrassment. He can’t help thinking that Connor has no idea how bad it will become if he ever gets a boyfriend.

“But seriously son, there is one thing you need to do.”

Connor looks at his father, not sure what he’s getting at.

“You need to tell your mother.”

_Oh, that…_

Connor’s smile from before quickly disappears.

“She won’t like it…” Connor’s voice sounding small again.

Adam thinks that his wife has many great qualities. She’s not a bad person if you ask Adam. But he also knows that Connor liking boys in some way might interfere with her plans for him. _Her plans for him… Jesus how did you let it come to this Adam._

“I’ll never lie to you, son. You are right, she might not like it.” Adam says with a steady voice.

“So why should I tell her?”

“Because she’s your mother. And she’ll come around. She loves you very much. And we’re not even sure how she’ll react, she might be fine with it.”

“Dad…”

“Yeah I know, but we don’t know. But I do know that she loves you. And when she’s got used to the idea, she’ll come around, I promise.”

Adam has never broken a promise to Connor, ever. They both know that him saying those words means something.

“It’s your decision son, I will of course never force you, but I think the sooner the better.”

“I’ll… I’ll think about it.” Connor still wasn’t sure that Adam understood how important Connor’s career was to her.

Adam got up from the bed.

“Alright, I’m gonna go start making dinner. We’re having tacos.”

“Ok… Hey dad,” Adam turned around as he opened the door “thanks. I love you.”

“Love you too, son.”

Before closing the door, he had one more thing to say.

“And son,” Connor looked up “I still believe in Jonnor.” Adam closed the door after giving his son a wide smile.

Connor lay flat on his back with his eyes closed. He smiled while he shook his head.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The following day, Jude was awaiting Connor’s arrival. Connor’s mother would drop him off in 15 minutes. Jude was pacing in his room. He’d already gone through exactly what they were going to study five or six times. At least.

Seeing as it was several weeks ago they studied the last time, Jude was nervous. In school they were never really alone, the two of them. _What if Connor want to talk about the lake? What if he wants to know why I touched him? What do I say? This is not good…_

Jude paced even faster as he let his mind race towards all different kinds of scenarios. When he finally caught himself thinking that Connor probably was coming over to beat him up, he stopped himself. _Ok that’s probably not going to happen… keep it together Jude._

With that, he hears a car pull up on the drive-way. From his window he sees Connor getting out. Connor looks up towards Jude’s room and gives him a smile and a wave. Jude waves back. Jude smiles, even if he tries not to.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude thought he was ready for this. They were just going to study, they’ve done it several times before, Jude could do this.

Connor entered his room and Jude’s heart stopped. It’s not that he had forgot or was oblivious to Connor’s looks but still, he wasn’t ready.

Connor’s hair was still wet and kind of messy, obviously from showering after the gym. He had a dark red button up shirt with the two top buttons opened, showing some skin. The pants weren’t fair though, Jude thought. Connor has on a pair of dark grey skinny jeans that showed off everything from his muscly thighs to that perfect bubble butt. _Perfect butt? Come on Jude FOCUS…_

Jude found himself dumbstruck. He thinks he even opened his mouth, it was that bad. He just stared at Connor as he put down his backpack and looked back at Jude.

“Hmm Jude? Is something wrong.” Connor looked almost worried.

_Yes-you-can’t-look-like-that._

“Umm… No, sorry. Just zoned out.”

“Ok… I do that too sometimes.” Connor smiled at Jude to make him more comfortable.

“So… welcome back, bet you’ve missed the learning blocks huh?” Jude sat down at his desk.

“Yeah… yeah I’ve missed it…”

Jude frowned for himself, it was obviously meant as a joke but Connor’s tone was… not jokingly. He shrugged it off.

As Connor walked over to the desk, he took the time to take in all of Jude. Jude was wearing his dark green sweater that was a bit tighter than most of his other clothes. Connor thought it looked perfect on him, showing off his thin frame. Jude’s porcelain face was perfect as usual. No spots, no birthmarks, nothing but perfect skin.

Connor figures he has to get his act together. He was here to study and Jude was nice enough to take the time to teach him. The least he could do was try his best and concentrate. Problem was he wasn’t sure how far his best would take him.

Jude started to go through the basics of what they were going to learn tonight. As always Jude had obviously planned ahead, everything was thought out so that even an idiot would understand, which Connor was grateful for. Getting a glimpse of Jude’s exceptional mind did nothing to ease Connor’s… _fascination_ for Jude.

They’d been studying for about an hour when they took a break. Connor had done ok. As before it was math that was his biggest problem but he bet he’d learned more these few weeks with Jude than he had all of last year in Arizona.

There was one thing that Connor had to know. He figured it could spare him a lot of… problems, depending what Jude will say about it. Little did he know that Jude almost had the exact same plan.

“So…” Jude said between drinking from his can of diet coke “You don’t regret Lena asking me to tutor you?”

Connor was eating a sandwich. In fact, Jude thought that Connor ate more in one day then he did in a week. It seemed he was always chewing on something.

“No absolutely not. I don’t feel as stupid as before and… I’ve met a friend. No regrets.”

Jude smiled, Connor was too kind as he always was, but he had to get back to his mission.

“Yeah… Lena’s great you know.”

They both say in silence for a while, not knowing what to say next.

Connor gathered his courage, he didn’t really know why he was so nervous around this topic. Well he kind of knew. Okay he knew, but he could try and act like it wasn’t a big deal.

“I didn’t know that she… had a wife. Before you said it. In the car.”

Jude debated in his head what to say next.

“Your mom, didn’t seem to… you know. Approve.” Jude weighed his words.

By now the conversation aspired to be one of the least comfortable ones of 2015.

As Connor didn’t know how Jude felt about it he hesitated for a few moments before realizing that his opinion wouldn’t change regardless of what Jude thought. The little hope Connor had would probably be crushed, but his opinion wouldn’t change.

“Well sometimes my mom is an idiot.” He blurted out.

Connor felt good just saying it, he could almost swear that he heard Jude sigh of relief.

“You don’t… feel the same?” Jude had to make sure.

“No. I don’t.” Connor was sure.

“And you? I mean it’s cool whatever I know you go to church and stuff…” Connor tried really hard to cover up how nervous he was about what Jude would answer, not sure how good of a job he did.

“No… I don’t feel the same either. I’ve met Lena’s wife, Stef, she’s really nice.”

Connor couldn’t help but smile as he felt a huge weight off his shoulders.

“And I know how it is. My foster dad isn’t the most open-minded person in the world…”

Connor noticed Jude clamming up a bit after he finished his sentence. Remembering Lena’s advice, he figured he’d quit while he was ahead.

As Connor went back to solve math problems Jude couldn’t help thinking how much he’d missed Connor. Just having him near him and talking about whatever. He’d never tell Hannah this but Connor already felt like his best friend. He had it all. He was kind, funny, talented and yes… he was gorgeous but that didn’t even matter. Connor was simply, perfect.

That was the thing, Connor was so out of his league. He had to remind himself of that, but he wanted the fantasy to be true more than he’d ever wanted anything before. The small detail that Connor was straight wasn’t even relevant.

Jude was about to start considering the pro’s and con’s of a sex-change operation when Connor was finished with the math problems. Good timing, Stevens.

As Jude went over Connor’s answers Connor found himself lost looking at the short boy sitting next to him. Again. Jude correcting and explaining how Connor should think just made his… fascination even more intense. That’s what Connor insisted on calling it, his fascination.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure…?” Jude looked up from correcting Connor’s paper.

“It’s just… I’m curious, even if it’s not my business. You don’t have to answer me.”

“Okay…” Now Connor got Jude’s attention.

“You’re still friends with Hannah, right? Like close friends?”

“Yeah…?”

“How do you do it. I mean… she’s your ex-girlfriend. Doesn’t it get you know… weird?”

“No… we’re good, we were friends before and just went back to that.” Jude shrugged.

“So you don’t… you know, still like her?” Connor was playing it cool and casual, no doubt he was doing a fantastic job at it.

Jude took a minute.

“No… no, not like that.”

“Ok, good.” Connor panicked for a moment, speaking his mind isn’t always the best thing while around Jude. Jude didn’t seem to pick up on it though as he still avoided Connor’s eyes looking down at the floor.

“I mean it’s good. For you. That you don’t like her. Like that. I me-” Connor clarified.

“Yeah I got it.”

Connor was so fucking grateful that Jude cut him off as he felt he was about to go into his rambling mode and god only knows how long that would have lasted.

As Jude didn’t seem overly excited talking about this topic, Connor said.

“Hey, you think we can go swimming again sometime? You know before it gets too cold and all.”

Jude looked up at Connor. He looked at Jude with those puppy eyes that Jude hated. He figured Connor probably could ask him to commit genocide and he’d have to do it if Connor looked at him like that.

“Yeah… Yeah. I’d like that.” Jude nodded and gave Connor a smile.

The both of them finished up studying, just enjoying each other’s company.

“So I see you at school. Thanks for making me smarter, as always.” Connor said.

“Yeah see you. Thanks for coming over, it was fun. I’ve missed this.”

“Yeah me too. And I’ve missed you.” Connor said just before closing Jude’s door, still looking him in the eyes.

 _God I’m so awkward_. Connor thought while almost running down the stairs. He couldn’t stop smiling though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 22: Seasons in the sun" is up Tuesday the 16th
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr, add/msg me to talk about Waterloo, Lord Gavin or something else


	22. Seasons in the sun

“So you are all coming to Hannah’s party, right?” Madison looked around their table.

“You sure this is Hannah’s party, you’re the only one talking about it?” Jacob queried.

“Yes, it’s her party. I’m just the organizer. I’m responsible for the guest list, the alcohol, the interior and the music.”

“Remind me again, what am I responsible for?” Hannah asked looking confused.

“You have one job. Make sure your parents aren’t there.” Madison was being dead serious.

“I don’t think I can come if there’s alcohol.” Jude was just being honest.

“Well duh, obviously you’re not telling Phil there’s going to be alcohol.” Madison looked at him like it was the most stupid thing she’s ever heard.

“I… I don’t know. Maybe.” Jude know that if there is a chance that Phil will find out he can’t risk it.

“Come on Jude, it’ll be fun. I think there’s a party animal hiding inside of you.” Chris of all people spoke up grinning at him.

Jude couldn’t help but snicker at Chris’s words, “Maybe.”

Hannah felt like she was observing a car crash in slow motion. If Madison went through with her plans to invite Connor as her date, that could be… complicated. Jude haven't had a public 'incident' in years and Hannah knows how badly he wants it to stay that way.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude was typing a text.

“Do you want to become less stupid this Saturday?”

Jude hadn’t seen Connor in three days and he was missing him more than he should. Way more. He was losing the battle to resist this… whatever it was. It seemed pointless. New plan. Crash and burn it is.  _Good plan Jude, good plan..._

“Who is this?”

Jude smiled at the response, the familiar warm feeling from anything Connor related.

“/Jude ;)”

“Ah Jude, hi! Sounds good, after dinner?”

“Smartass. I’m home alone so whenever you can is fine with me.”

“Hm maybe after practice? I can ask mom if its ok so we can study all day.”

“Let me know. Dinner’s on me if you can come early.”

“A genius and a cook? Ur so marriage material.” Connor can’t help it. He shouldn’t but his fingers are on autopilot while texting Jude. He blushed when he re-reads the text he just sent.

Jude hates and loves when Connor sends funny/flirty texts. He knows Connor’s just messing around but he loves the way it makes him feel. Jude likes to fantasize that Connor’s not kidding and is actually flirting. Deep down he knows he isn’t, but he likes to pretend.

“Maybe swim b4?” Connor could only leave that last message sitting there for that long.

“Yeah sure, sounds good. Let me know if it’s ok with your mom.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The rest of the school week went by without any major incident. Jude had aced all quizzes and tests so far, not that it came as a surprise to anyone. Connor had got the go ahead from his parents to come over right after soccer practice and stay over dinner. 

Saturday came and Jude was going over everything at home. He’d double and triple checked that he had all the ingredients he needed for tonight. Everything had to be perfect.

Phil had left the day before and wasn’t coming back until Sunday evening. Jude had still asked for permission to have Connor over, he wasn’t taking any chances again with Phil.

Connor was coming over in a few minutes and then they would walk to the beach for a swim.

Jude wasn’t even thinking about that Connor had asked if it was okay to use his shower afterwards. It didn’t affect him at all. Not once had he thought about that Connor would stand right there naked under the streaming water. Not once. _*lalala*_

Jude had certainly not cleaned every inch of the bathroom for the sole reason of Connor using it to shower. He’d not even cleaned it twice. Somewhere Jude was at least partially aware that he had a slight tidying problem, but he figured he’d let it slide as he knew he had bigger problems.

Bigger problems were just knocking on the door.

_Shit, my hair._

Jude shouted for Connor to come in as he rushed up the stairs. His ribs still hurt slightly as he went a little too fast but he managed.

“I’ll be right down, just going to fix something.” Jude yelled down the stairs.

Connor shouted something inaudible back.

When Jude was satisfied with his hair, approved with a _“Like a pro”_ he was ready to face Connor.

As he came down the stairs Connor was waiting in the hallway. He was still wearing his soccer gear with pads and everything. His shoes and socks were covered in dirt and greenery, looked like it had been an intense practice.

“Hey!” Jude greeted him.

“Hey! I like your hair.” Connor said, without thinking as usual.

Jude instantly blushed “Thanks.”

Jude noticed that Connor was bleeding from his knee.

“Hey you’re bleeding. You want a plaster?”

“Nah I’m good, I figure it’ll be ok once we get in the water.”

_Yeah that’s right, we’re going swimming. Good thing I did my hair. Who am I kidding, I regret nothing._

“So, you’re good to go? I’ve got water for the both of us so you don’t need to bring that.” Connor said.

“Yeah just going to get a towel.”

As Jude went into a closet to get what Connor assumed to be a towel, he finally understood why Jude was wearing kind of strange clothes to walk around in at home. He’d already put on the clothes he was going to swim in.

If you asked Connor, Jude could wear that outfit as often as he wanted. He has on some sort of long-sleeved training suit that fitted tight on him. In what looked like the same material he had training pants on. This was the first time that Connor had seen Jude wearing anything tight on his lower body.

The second Jude had turned around Connor couldn’t look away. Jude was small and thin. This was already known. What Connor hadn’t seen before was that Jude actually had an ass. How it was even possible to have that kind of ass considering Jude’s body structure Connor didn’t know.

Connor caught himself gulping as he couldn’t look away. When he felt that something was about to, _occur_ , in his shorts he forced himself to look away and shake his head.

_Fuck Connor get it together… Think about grandma in the tub with mustard covering her saggy tits… Ah that did it._

“Connor?”

“Umm…?” Jude was apparently ready to go and was standing in front of him trying to make contact.

“What were you thinking about?” Jude was curious.

“Trust me. You don’t want to know.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

They’ve walked to the beach not saying much. Jude often found the silences to be uncomfortable, but not this time. He almost had to hold back a smile during the ten-minute walk.

The beach was kind of desolate, despite it being a quite sunny Saturday.

“Hey this way, I know somewhere where we’re almost alone.” Jude said and started walking towards some rocks and cliffs.

Connor trailed after. Conveniently staying a few feet behind Jude. Perhaps looking at something he found interesting. Again Connor caught himself lost and had to get a grip. _Come on Connor… What’s happening to me._ Connor almost scared himself with the way he was behaving, it wasn’t like him at all.

He knew he liked Jude for being Jude, but this… situation was something else. Something less chivalrous and innocent.

Jude started climbing over some rocks and waved at Connor to follow him. When Connor climbed over the last rock in the formation he saw Jude sitting down on the sand. It was a quite small space of sand crammed in between the rocks. You could swim out directly into the ocean as the rock formation parted just where the waterline started.

“Whoa this is so cool. It’s like a private little beach right on the beach.” Connor was impressed.

“Yeah I know it’s pretty cool. I love to just sit here by myself sometimes.”

“I get that. Thanks for showing me this place, would have never found it on my own.” Connor said as he was placing his towel on the sand before sitting down on it.

“No one else knows about this?” Connor asked as Jude was unpacking his towel, laying it next to Connor’s.

“Not that many. Sometimes there’s like beer cans and stuff here after weekends so I guess some guys use it to party undisturbed or something.”

“Alright. And Hannah and the rest of the gang of course. They must love it here.”

“Well…” Jude searched his head to find something to say that didn’t sound as embarrassing as the truth. He came up with nothing.

“Actually they don’t know about it. I’m always here alone.” Jude looked down at his fingers that seemed really into picking at his own cuticles. 

A few moments of silence.

“Until now.” Connor said looking at Jude. As Jude looked up he saw Connor smiling warmly at him. For some reason this made Jude blush immensely and made him look away.

“Until now.” He replied while returning Connor’s close-lipped smile.

 They sat there on their towels not really saying anything for a while. Connor broke the silence.

“So I was thinking maybe I should put on my swim shorts so we can get in?”

“Yeah do that.” Jude replied and didn’t think any more of it.

Connor stood up and looked at Jude.

“So… I’m gonna change now…”

Jude nodded, “Yeah cool.”

Connor was still looking at Jude, as Jude still wasn’t getting it Connor gave a small laugh “So you might want to turn around…?”

“Oh, shit. Of course. Sorry.” Once again Jude blushed while giving Connor some privacy. _Come on Jude..._

As Jude sat there something dawned upon him. Connor was going to wear nothing but shorts. That would mean… _Gulp._ The first and last time that happened was on the landing-stage by the lake. There and then it had been quite dark but it was still close to a disaster.

Jude could almost not handle Connor fully dressed. A shirtless Connor was just… no way. _Jesus Jude what were you thinking. You weren’t. As usual with Connor, you weren’t._

“Alright you can look now.”

_No I really can’t._

Jude turned around but he looked anywhere but at Connor. In the corner of his eye he observed that Connor probably was wearing some kind of red shorts but he didn’t trust himself enough to make sure.

“Ok, let’s get in.” Jude said and walked by Connor. If Jude has looked at him he would have seen Connor looking confused as Jude passed him by.

Connor shrugged and followed Jude into the water. Connor found himself looking at Jude’s butt for what seemed like the forty-fifth time before realizing and snapping out of it. _For fucks sake get a grip. Now._

Jude closed his eyes and dived in, after a few strokes he was already feeling blissful. The water always had this effect on him. It was cold but he didn’t mind.

He turned around and saw that only Connor’s head was visible, _Thank God_ , as he was trailing him some ten feet behind.

“Are you alright Jude?” Connor wanted to know since this was only the second time Jude had swam since he stopped. Connor wanted to know because he cared, a lot.

“Never better.” Connor’s heart melted as Jude gave him a big smile showing his white teeth. That Connor found Jude beyond cute with his hair all wet wasn’t exactly making the experience any worse for him.  _I'm so fucked..._

“So you want to race?” Connor’s competitive mind was sometimes hopeless.

“What? No… I don’t think I’ll be a match for you.” Jude competing in some sorts of physical aspect? No that doesn’t seem right.

“Oh come on, we can swim to that rock there and back, you can get a head start.” Hopeless.

Jude laughed softly at Connor’s excitement level “Well ok if you really want to, but no head start.”

Connor beamed when he realized he would get to race. “Ok! You ready?”

Jude once again smiled internally as Connor looked like a small child that was about to get an ice cream or something.

“Yeah let’s do it.”

Connor counted them in and they were off. Even though Connor loved to compete in everything he figured holding back a bit was probably going to be more fun. He liked the idea of having Jude thinking he got a shot and then just giving it his all as they got near the finish line that was laying down on their towels again.

Turns out holding back wasn’t an option. It seemed that Jude had swum quite a lot before giving it up over two years ago. At the lake it had only been casual swimming so Connor hadn’t really noticed.

Jude was giving it his all, knowing he probably wasn’t as fast as Connor but he wanted to show him he didn’t suck at everything that wasn’t academics.

Out by the rock, where they turned and headed back to the shore, they were head-to-head. Connor was using all of his muscles with every stroke, almost in shock that Jude kept up with him.

Jude had given his all, he still remembered the technique he’d perfected over the years. Problem was the stamina, as he was half-way to the shore he could almost taste blood in his mouth as he was so exhausted. Reluctantly he had to slow down as he figured it probably wasn’t worth drowning to give Connor a match till the end.

Connor reached the shore and his towel first, Jude trailed him by perhaps 20 feet. As Jude crashed on his towel he gasped for air, completely drained of energy.

As Connor spoke, Jude realized that Connor was almost as exhausted as Jude was as he panted after every word.

“Jesus… Jude… How…” Connor was more trying to speak than doing some actual speaking.

“Water…” Jude was finally able to utter a word.

“Yes… Water…” Connor agreed it was a great idea. He leaned over, opened a bottle and gave it to Jude before opening one for himself.

As they both were catching their breath Jude felt his chest and ribs hurt a bit. He had ignored it while swimming but now he felt it, he had to lay down again after chugging a whole bottle.

“Man you’re fast… How did you… I mean you don’t work out in secret do you?” Connor was clearly impressed.

Jude chuckled and stretched his shirt so his ribs became visible to Connor through the fabric. “What does it look like?”

Connor smiled back at Jude. “But I mean… You have like clothes on, I don’t think I would stand a chance if you hadn’t been slowed down by that.”

Jude was still panting, “Definitely not. You got lucky, Stevens.”

While they were about to breath somewhat normally, Connor still hadn’t come over the fact that Mr. No Muscles Jude had almost been as fast as he was.

“Hey Jude, you must have… you know, swam a lot?”

“Yeah I guess… I did. Before…” He trailed off.

Connor grinded his teeth remembering when Mike told him about what they did to Jude. He stared out towards the ocean.

Connor scooted over so he was sitting next to Jude. He looked at him but Jude didn’t meet his eyes, he was staring down his lap with his fingers playing with the string on his pants.

“I hate that they did that to you. You don’t deserve it.”

Jude didn’t say anything.

“You really don’t. You must know that?” Connor wanted so badly to reach out and take Jude’s hands in his to comfort him but he knew he shouldn’t. That he couldn't.

Jude swallowed down hard.

“They hadn’t… done anything. If… I was normal.” Voice small and unsteady.

Connor had mixed emotions between anger and sorrow. He was so fucking angry at John and Scott for making Jude feel this way but at the same time his heart ached for Jude.

“Don’t. Don’t even say that Jude. You’ve done nothing wrong. Nothing.”

Jude was silent for a while. Connor was looking at Jude but Jude’s gaze stayed down.

“I’m sorry…” Jude started.

“I just… I was hoping it would take a while… Before you heard about… stuff.” Connor had to concentrate to hear Jude.

“Why? I like hanging out with you. I want to know about _stuff_ even when it’s bad stuff. It’s what friends do, help each other through… bad stuff, you know?” Once again Connor had to restrain himself from reaching for Jude’s hand to comfort him.

Jude listened to Connor’s words and let them sink in.

“Yeah alright… I guess. Thank you.” Finally, Jude looked up and faced Connor.

Connor smiled back.

“I understand if you don’t want to talk about it but… what happened you know, afterwards?”

“What do you mean?”

“Your friends. They didn’t do anything? Your foster dad? How about school?”

Jude snorted. The bare thought of Phil standing up for him made him want to laugh and cry at the same time.

“I didn’t really see anyone that summer. They called and texted but I just told them I was fine. I wanted to be alone. So after a while, they let me.”

Jude wasn’t looking for Connor’s pity. He saw that this incident bugged Connor to say the least so he continued.

“The thing is that _they_ actually stayed away from me when we got back to school after the summer. Don’t know if they felt bad or something but things were pretty good for a while.”

Connor wasn’t entirely satisfied with that answer but it had to do for now.

“And your foster dad? School? Did they get expelled or something?”

Jude went silent.

“Jude?”

”I didn’t really… tell anyone.”

“Wh-?”

Connor sounded shocked.

“What do you mean? The guys from the team were there and saw it?”

“Yeah but… They didn’t tell anyone either I guess. I just said I overreacted, that we were just playing around. Believe me Connor, it was for the best.”

“Like I said, if I was normal nothing would have happened.” Jude continued.

Connor had to compose himself. They hadn’t even faced any consequences for what they did. And what they did sure had scarred Jude, which they knew it would. Connor was once again fuming thinking about what he wanted to do to John & Scott.

“Please Connor… I can see you’re upset. Just promise to stay away from them. I can handle it.”

Connor closed his eyes and let out a breath. He knew Jude hated to see him upset so he had to shake it off. There was one thing he wouldn’t do though.

“My father has taught me to only make promises you know you can keep. I can’t promise you what you asked of me. I’m sorry.”

Connor thought for a while, wanting to give Jude some sort of reassurance.

“But okay, I promise you I won’t… do anything about what you told me. But if something else would happen, I’m gonna do with I think is right. Deal?”

Jude exhaled and looked at Connor before nodding, “Ok… deal. Thanks.”

It was only about now, when they were sitting and looking at each other smiling, that Jude realized he had managed to have a conversation with Connor. With Connor who wasn’t wearing anything but shorts that is.

The seriousness of the conversation had taken all of his attention so here he was again, actively trying not to look at Connor’s bare skin. They were sitting next to each other and side-by-side on their towels so it could be done. Then Connor, the asshole, turned up the difficulty level a notch.

“I think I’m gonna try and work on my tan, can you get the sun lotion from my backpack?”

 _Oh dear God…_ Jude gulped as he reached for the lotion and handed it to Connor.

Connor lay down on his back and started putting the lotion on his arms, face and then the rest of his body. Of course Jude had zero chance to avoid glancing at Connor as he rubbed the lotion over his stomach and chest.

This was the first time that Jude actually looked at Connor’s body for more than that second at the lake. _Are you kidding me…_ Connor’s abs were clearly visible but he didn’t have that ridiculous apparent six pack that some underwear models have. His ‘V’ prominent as his hip bones were visible before disappearing down his red shorts.

Jude just rolled his eyes for himself at Connor’s chest. Jude was pretty sure that 16- soon to be 17-year-olds shouldn’t have those kind of pecs. Jude’s favorite part with Connor’s appearance, apart from the hazel eyes that still enchanted him, had to be his golden tanned skin. It almost shined, even before Connor applied the sun lotion.

_So completely out of my league… But I can look right? Right. No harm in that._

As he observed Connor, sounds better than drool right?, he concluded that it didn’t even matter how he looked. It was Connor and he was perfect in every way. Jude wasn’t totally oblivious to that he might have reached this conclusion to make himself feel less of an ogling weirdo.

“Hey you want some?” Connor looked up at Jude from his laying position.

“Ha-ha.” Jude thought Connor was being smug.

“No, I meant for your face. Sorry.” Connor looked sorry.

_Stop being so considerate and perfect, please…_

“Hm alright, guess it can’t hurt.” Jude had never really stayed in the sun for that long, but as long as Connor wanted to lie there looking like that, Jude was in no rush whatsoever.

Connor debated in his mind a long time before asking. Hoping it wouldn’t be out of line.

“Jude, can I ask you something?”

“Yeah sure, go ahead.” Jude replied while applying the sun screen in his face.

“Ok… you know you don’t have to answer me. I won’t you know… mind…”

“Yeah, I know… what is it you want to know?”

“It’s just… you know. I want to know because I’m your friend.” Connor was already regretting this. He shouldn’t push Jude. _Stupid stupid stupid._

“I won’t mind, I promise.”

“Ok… it’s just. Why do you swim with so much… fabric on? It must be making it so much harder.”

Jude actually didn’t mind that Connor asked. He knew that Connor of course was wondering about it. It’s almost better that he asks than ignoring the elephant in the room. Well on the beach.

“I just… like it.”

Connor nodded to himself, he was already feeling bad for asking. He should have waited for Jude to say something when he was ready.

“It’s just… I don’t exactly look like… well, you. Quite the opposite really.” Jude was back to fiddling with his fingers and looking down at his lap. Connor had already recognized this as Jude’s way of talking about things that obviously was hard for him without shutting down completely.

Connor sat up and faced Jude. Once again he wished he could touch Jude to make him feel better. As he couldn’t he was left with his words. Even though he wasn’t impressed by his own track record with using his words around Jude, he felt like he had to try.

“Hey… look at me.”

Jude still looked down, swallowing down hard.

“Look at me, please?”

_There it is again, it’s not fair…_

Jude looked up into Connor’s warm hazel eyes. As so many times before, this action lead to the malfunction of Jude’s respiratory system. He took shallow breaths through his nose. Connor had a… different look to him. He looked… Jude didn’t know, but Connor was thinking about something real hard before speaking.

“Nothing about you is ugly Jude…” Connor took a moment before continuing, not breaking eye contact.

“Quite the opposite really.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 23: Falling" is up Wednesday the 17th
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr, add/msg me to talk about Waterloo, Lord Gavin or something else


	23. Falling

Connor kept looking Jude in the eyes. He stopped breathing and his lip parted but he never broke eye-contact. He tried to gage the reaction of Jude while still looking into those deep brown doe-eyes but Jude was so hard to read. Connor could feel that he was losing the will to fight this… thing.

 

Jude kept looking back into Connor's eyes. He thought about telling Connor that he couldn’t say things like that to him. Telling Connor that it wasn’t fair to him. But of course he couldn’t… Connor was just being his usual perfect caring self to make Jude feel better.

Jude looked away.

As Jude lowered his gaze Connor started to realize what he’d say. His heart kept beating faster. Had he said too much? Of course he had. _Idiot._ Jude was too nice and sweet to tell Connor to shut up and stop being so awkward. Jude wanted to be friends so bad that he even accepted Connor’s… mishaps.

After the two of them had sat there for a few moments, Connor had to break the awkward silence before he would give in to the urge of burrowing himself into the sand.

“So… you wanna get in the water one more time before heading back?” Connor wished his voice wasn’t as unsteady as it was.

“Yeah sounds good.” Jude was equally pleased with getting out of the ‘situation’.

“So, what’s for dinner chef?” Connor asked as they were just floating in the water.

“No no that’s a surprise… you’ll just have to wait and see.”

“Oh come on tell meeeeee.”

Jude had to look away as Connor was using his puppy eyes again. _This guy…_

“Nope. Patience Mr. Stevens.” Jude smirked before continuing.

“What do you say, to the lighthouse and back? No competition this time.”

“Sure, sounds good.”

Jude and Connor swam for about thirty minutes before heading back to shore. If Connor was a thinking man he wouldn’t have let Jude walk up out of the water before he did. Now Connor wasn’t a thinking man so he had to witness the view of Jude’s butt up-close. Jude’s butt in wet clothes. As in as tight as clothes probably gets.

“Umm… weren’t we finished?” Jude asked while looking back realizing that Connor had stayed behind in the water.

_Fuck._

“Yeah I just… want to stay a bit longer.” Connor needed a moment.

“Okay…” Jude smiled for himself, somehow he liked that Connor sometimes wasn’t making any sense. If he was being honest with himself, he should have realized by now he just liked just about everything that Connor did.

After Connor had thought about mustard covered mountains for a while he was ready to get out of the water.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude and Connor got back to Jude’s house just after 3PM.

“So we only have one shower. You can go first.” Jude offered.

Connor walked up the stairs to the bathroom and Jude couldn’t help but thinking about Connor standing naked in _his_ shower… He closed his eyes and painted a mental picture of it. Before it got out of hand, pun intended, Jude shook his head. _Focus._

And just like that he felt bad for thinking about Connor that way. For some miraculous reason the sweetest and kindest person he’d ever met seemed to genuinely want to be his friend and here he was… soiling that with filthy thoughts.

Jude hears the bathroom door open from upstairs, Connor shouts.

“Hey Jude, you got a hair dryer I can borrow?”

“Yeah it’s in th-…” Jude realized that having Connor going through that cabinet probably wasn’t a good idea.

“I’ll come up and show you. Are you decent?”

“I got a towel so I guess.” Connor shouted back.

Jude started walking up the stairs. If his gut hadn’t committed suicide in Lena’s office the third day of the semester perhaps it could have warned him about the upcoming disaster. If, it hadn’t.

Unknowingly Jude walked into the bathroom to get the dryer out of the cabinet. As he entered the room he saw Connor standing there. Not with a proper towel but with a hand towel barely covering Connor’s front. Perhaps Jude could somehow been able to handle this if Connor’s bare butt wasn’t clearly visible in the full-length mirror situated behind him.

“Jesus fucking Christ Connor!” Jude blurted out while turning away with the speed of light.

“What?”

“That’s… that’s not a towel. That… that doesn’t even qualify as a piece of fabric.” Jude clearly felt he was burning up. Without looking himself in a mirror, scarred from the very recent experience, he was sure he was red as a tomato.

“I’m sorry it was the only one I found. Mine from earlier was wet and full of sand and I didn’t want to go through your stuff.” Connor wanted to explain himself, he hadn’t expected Jude’s reaction.

“And hey, did you just swear?” Connor raised his brow.

“No I didn’t.” Jude replied instantly.

“Yes you did!” For some reason Jude could clearly hear that Connor was smiling wide without even looking at him.

“You’re imagining things.” Jude wasn’t giving in that easily.

Connor was laughing, “Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me.”

“And hey what’s the big deal, it’s not like you… you know, see anything?” Connor continued.

Jude was still looking away. Surely still a tomato. Connor’s butt still imprinted on his mind.

“Look behind you.”

Connor turned his head around. He looked back to where Jude was standing. Connor did the math. Correctly for once.

“OH SHIT! Fuck. Fuck. Shit, sorry.” And with that Connor’s skin color changed instantly as Connor moved away from the mirror.

“Yeah exactly, and please don’t swear… that much.” Jude couldn’t help to find Connor panicking a bit amusing. But he kept it to himself, of course.

Jude moved around the bathroom, carefully avoiding everything Connor, and got the dryer out of the cabinet. He put it down on top of a basket and left the room.

Connor closed the door behind him and locked the door by reflex. He burrowed his face in his hands. _Can’t I go one fucking day without embarrassing myself in front of him. Please? Is it too much to ask?_

As Jude got back downstairs he had to pull himself together. That was… something else Jude thought.

He had a hunch he would feel this way just by… assessing the assets, pun once again very intended, with shorts on but after seeing that perfect divine creation in the flesh, Jude was sure. He would consider settling for Ben & Jerry’s if it came down to it.  Jude was nice like that.

After a while, Connor came down the stairs. He still looked embarrassed as he addressed Jude.

“Alright, all done. Sorry about before.”

“It’s ok… I just, wasn’t ready.” Jude wasn’t lying as he went up the stairs.

Showering went surprisingly well, Jude made an effort to be efficient and don’t think about that Connor stood here naked just a few moments ago.

Jude got dressed, fixed his hair and was about to go downstairs when his eyes noticed something of interest.

It was the piece of cloth that Connor had put on earlier, it was laying folded over the laundry basket. Jude stood there and just looked at it for a minute before swallowing down hard and leaving the bathroom.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The boys were going to study before eating dinner later on. As Phil wasn’t at home they sat in the kitchen instead. It took a while but the awkwardness from the bathroom was soon forgotten and they went back to be able to at least semi-function around each other.

Jude was overseeing Connor solving math problems, which usually was his biggest weakness. This time Connor did far better than before which surprised Jude a bit.

“Hey, you’re doing great. I’m proud of you man.” Jude said sincerely.

“Thanks…” Jude could swear that Connor blushed after the compliment.

“Have you been practicing at home?”

“Yeah… some.” Connor was trying to hold back how happy he was that Jude had noticed. He wanted to impress Jude so much but as academics didn’t come naturally for him it was quite hard.

After studying for a while Jude found himself just observing Connor who was concentrating hard at the assignments.

He noticed the strand of hair that fell down just above his right eyebrow. He noticed the way he slightly moved his jaw from side to side when he was struggling with the problems. He noticed the clearly visible chin dimple that Jude found to be just about the most attractive thing he’s ever seen.

He noticed… Connor.

There were so many things he wanted to ask him, so many things he wanted to know.

“Hey Connor, can I ask you something?” Jude waited until Connor seemed to be finished with one of the questions laid before him.

Connor looked up, Jude still had a hard time to look into his hazel eyes without whimpering.

“Yeah of course.”

“Do you… you know, miss Arizona?”

Connor thought a while before answering.

“No… not really. I mean yeah some parts I miss, but… some things are better here.”

“Okay that makes sense I guess…” Jude didn’t quite have a purpose with his questions, he just wanted to know more about Connor and his past.

“Were you the best player in Arizona as well?” Jude continued.

“Hmm… if I’m honest, yes I was. I mean there were a lot of good players there but I think I’ve might have been a bit better than most of them. At least after Jonah quit.”

Connor kind of regretted the last part slipping out.

”Oh okay… he was that good? Cause I’ve seen you play.”

Connor nodded. “Yeah, he was.”

“Why did he quit?” Jude just wanted the conversation to keep going. Jude was painfully aware that he never had preferred talking over studying before. Before Connor that was.

Connor was silent for a while. He didn’t like to talk about this topic, but if he wanted to talk to someone about it was Jude.

“He didn’t… think it was worth it anymore.”

“Hmm ok… why? If you don’t want to talk about it it’s ok…” Jude noticed that Connor wasn’t as open as he usually was, therefor giving him the option not to talk about.

“No… I, it’s ok.” Connor weighed in on his words before continuing.

“This isn’t something I’m proud of... far from it. Had it happened today I wouldn’t have let it happened at all.”

“Okay… I get it.” Jude replied.

”I guess you’ve already got that my mom is a bit… interested in my soccer career.”

“Really?” Jude smirked.

Connor returned a soft smile, “Yeah so… Jonah and I had always been the best players since we were like ten years old.”

Jude nodded encouraging Connor to go on.

“We played on the same position and we’ve always alternated who got to play which we both agreed was for the best. We were friends and it just felt right you know?”

“Yeah seems fair.” Jude could hear by the way that Connor talked that Connor didn’t like where he was going with this.

“Yeah, but my mom disagreed. And I let her. Biggest regret of my life.” Connor looked down at the kitchen table.

“Alright… what did she do?” Mrs. Stevens wasn’t exactly Jude’s favorite person in the world but he didn’t want Connor to know that.

“Well she… convinced coach that I was clearly the better player and that Jonah should start on the bench and like only play when I couldn’t.” Connor gulped.

“She even started talking with the other player’s parents and making shit up about him, saying he wasn’t committed enough and stuff like that.”

Jude let Connor carry on, it looked like he needed to get this off his chest.

“And I let her… she convinced me how important it was for me and my future career. I fucking let her.”

“Please don’t swear. Hmm… how long ago was this?”

Connor shrugged, “Like 2-3 years ago.”

“So you were like 13-14 at the time?”

“Yeah… something like that I guess.” Connor was still looking ashamed, not meeting Jude’s eyes.

“I can see that this bothers you… but I don’t think you should blame yourself too much. It’s not easy to stand up to your parents. Especially when you’re that age.” Jude knew all about it.

“Perhaps… but I still feel like shit about it. We stopped being friends because of it. Can’t blame him… at all. As I said, biggest regret of my life.”

“Hey… thanks for telling me. And I still think you shouldn’t blame yourself as much as you do. Can’t say this makes me like your mom any more but luckily for her there are some other great Stevens’s in the family.”

Connor finally looked up at Jude and returned the kind smile that Jude had on his face.

“Thanks… Felt good to talk to somebody about it.”

“Anytime… we’re friends right?”

“Yeah… we are.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor looked up from his books, “Hey Jude… I’m starting to get hungry, chop chop.”

“You? Hungry? I’m shocked. But you’re right, I should get started.”

Connor almost radiated of happiness by the promise of incoming food. Jude didn’t find it adorable at all. Not one bit… _Crash and burn it is…_

Jude put on an apron and started to gather some stuff from the cupboards and the fridge.

“Can I help?”

“I don’t know, can you? I mean it’s not that I don’t trust your culinary abilities or anything like that but… Yeah, I don’t quite know how to finish this sentence…“ Jude smirked at Connor.

“Ha-ha, just tell me what to do, genius.”

Jude gave Connor a disapproving look before replying.

“Ok, we’ll try. Here put this on and wash your hands.” Jude gave Connor an apron as well.

“Sir yes sir!”

Jude just shook his head while Connor washed his hands.

“So what are we making?” Connor seemed eager to get started.

“Nothing too complicated, just some chicken puttanesca with pasta and a kale and feta salad on the side.” Jude kept taking out the stuff they needed to get started.

“Ok so chicken, pasta and salad?” Those were the words Connor understood.

“Yeah pretty much.” Jude smiled internally before speaking again.

”Let’s get your height to use, can you get the bowl from the top shelf?”

Jude couldn’t help to peek at Connors tanned and lean stomach as it was revealed when Connor reached for the bowl.

“How tall are you by the way?” Jude needed to say something to get his mind off Connor’s abs.

“I’m about 6’1 I think… and you?” Connor gave the bowl to Jude.

“Don’t know really, 5’5 or 5’6… something like that. I should always have like a gripping claw on me or something.”

Connor smiled at Jude, he didn’t know why but he found almost anything Jude said to be funny even if it probably wasn’t.

“But it’s not all bad you know…” Jude said while turning on the stove.

“It’s not?”

“Nah there are definitely advantages. You know apparently I never have to spend money on a double bed or anything like that. Cause my single bed fit two people. Any people. Cause I’m small.”

Jude was smiling widely as he was imitating Connor.

Even though Connor still got a bit embarrassed from being reminded of that day, he couldn’t help but laugh.

“Alright alright walked right into that one…”

“Yupp. You did.” Jude was still smiling and so was Connor.

Jude reluctantly left Connor in charge of chopping up vegetables. Usually Jude wanted full control of everything when it came to cooking but he figured there was only so much damage Connor could do while chopping kale, apples and crushing some pine nuts.

They went on just talking about whatever, it didn’t even seem to matter to them as just being in each other’s company seemed more than enough.

Jude finished up the chicken puttanesca and the pasta.

“Ok, Connor is the salad ready?”

No response.

“Connor?”

“Ye.. yeah.” Connor spoke with a muffled voice.

“Are you… ? Are you eating something?”

No response from Connor as he turned the back of his head towards Jude.

“Connor?”

Jude went over to Connor’s workstation.

“Connor, why are there no apples in the salad?”

Connor turned back towards Jude, he looked like one of those guilty dogs that Jude's seen on youtube that’s been caught going through the trash.

“I was hungry…” Connor was trying to give Jude his famous puppy eyes but for the first time they didn’t fully work on Jude.

“You are unbelievable Connor Stevens.” Jude shook his head and got another apple from the fridge and started cutting it up.

There it was again, Jude saying Connor’s full name. Connor loved it.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude set the table and took his apron off and Connor did the same.

“Ok, everything’s ready… let’s eat.” Jude concluded.

“Finally, I’m starving.” Connor obviously couldn’t wait to dig in.

Jude took a moment before sitting down, just observing Connor being full of life as he started to put some pasta on his plate. He couldn’t help himself from once again smiling softly at the scene. _Yupp, crash and burn it is…_

As Jude sat down he folded his hands by pure reflex. Connor noticed.

“Oh sorry, you want to say grace?”

Jude shook his head “No. It’s just… a habit. No need.”

Connor nodded, “Okay I understand.”

Jude took a moment before speaking, ”You know what, I kind of do. Well, sort of…”

“Okay, I don’t know how to so you have to…”

“Well it’s not really grace. But…” Jude wasn’t clueless that once again he was going out of character while around Connor.

“I don’t think I’ve told you but I just want to say I’m so glad you’re my friend.” Jude’s eyes found Connor’s while holding a serious expression.

“Me too. It’s been the best thing about moving to San Diego.” Connor had to compose himself not to get lost in Jude’s.

After Connor uttered his words the boys went silent.

They continued to look at each other and Jude could feel it… that thing. He could feel that he was losing track of time again. He almost felt light-headed as he couldn’t look away from Connor. His eyes searching Connor’s as Connor’s eyes seemed to be doing the same.

Connor took shallow breaths through his nose, he thinks. Composing himself no longer an option, he was long gone into Jude’s eyes.

Jude spoke again. How long after Connor went silent? No idea, as usual.

 

“Meeting you is… the best thing that’s happened to me…” _ever,_ “… in a long time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 24: Dressed to kill" is up Thursday the 18th
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr, add/msg me to talk about Waterloo, Lord Gavin or something else


	24. Dressed to kill

At the Stevens’s residence.

“Hey honey, dinner’s ready.” Adam shouts from the kitchen.

“Yes yes I’ll just be a second.” Mrs. Stevens shouts back from the living room.

Adam put away some of the dirty dishes in the dishwasher and fills the plates as his wife enters the kitchen and sits down at the table.

“Mmm smells good. What are we having?”

“Oh it’s just some casserole I put together. What were you doing back there?”

“I was looking at some training videos. We’re going to focus on making Connor’s legs even stronger.”

Adam nods before speaking.

“Does Connor know about it?”

His wife was about to take a bite. “Hmm? Not yet no. I was thinking about starting next week.”

“So it’s really _you_ that’s focusing on making his legs stronger?”

Mrs. Stevens puts down her fork and looks at Adam.

“What are you getting at, dear husband?” The last part uttered with clear sarcasm.

“You know he’s sixteen right? Let him be sixteen once in a while, that’s all I’m saying.”

“Do you know how early the European players begin at their elite program?”

“Yes dear you’ve told me severa-.”

“Do you know the talent scouts are coming to San Diego in January when turns seventeen?”

“Yes dear you’ve mentio-.”

“Do you know the competition out there?”

“Yes dear of cour-.”

“Do you know how hard we’ve worked on this for him?”

“Yes dear I kn-.”

“Do you know how important it is for him to impress them?”

Adam sat silent and looked at his wife before speaking. This time without being interrupted.

“No, actually I don’t. Do you?

The married couple looked at each other in silence, no one giving in during what turned out to be a staring competition.

“I can’t believe you right now Adam. You know how stressed out I am about everything with us moving here.” Mrs. Stevens looked as she was about to cry.

Adam put his hand over his wife’s. The only thing he hated more than seeing his wife upset was seeing Connor upset.

“I know you are honey. I’m sorry. My point is… perhaps it would be good for both you and Connor if your life revolved a little less around him.”

“This is all I know now Adam, and I’m good at it. Look how far he’s come. He’s ranked top 30 in the nation in his age group for god’s sake.” Her bottom lip was trembling.

“Please just let me try and get him to succeed at this. I need this to not feel so worthless Adam…” Mrs. Stevens tears ran down her cheeks.

Adam got up from the table and walked up to his wife and hugged her.

“Of course honey… of course… I’m sorry for bringing it up. You are so far from worthless honey…”

Adam rocked his wife to comfort her.

Too bad for Adam that he still hadn’t learned that his wife could cry on cue.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The Stevens’s were just about finished eating dinner.

Adam was, to say the least, concerned with how his wife could react to what Connor’s already told him. He was not having his son forced to be someone he’s not. Being forced to avoid love and happiness, no that was not an option. Too bad it wasn’t an option to tell his wife about it either, it was Connor’s secret to tell.

He loved his wife deeply. No question about it. Adam was a bit scared what would happen if his wife reacted poorly, because he loved his son even more. If it had to come down to that, Adam would always choose Connor.

“So, I wonder how the boys are doing?” Adam said casually.

“As long as that kid makes him something eatable he’ll be fine, Connor’s not that complicated remember?”

“Jude.”

”What?”

”You never even say his name, it’s Jude.”

“Well excuse me I just didn’t think it was important.”

“Haven’t you noticed they are best friends, perhaps you should at least learn his name?” Adam was getting sick of it.

Mrs. Stevens sighs, “Fine. _Jude._ But honestly you think they’re going to be friends when they are done with this studying nonsense?”

“Why wouldn’t they?”

“Well this… _Jude_ isn’t exactly like Connor now is he? Can’t see them having anything in common.”

“I don’t know about that. They are both very kind and gentle boys. From what I’ve seen of Jude he seems to _really_ care about other’s emotions, and you know that’s exactly like our Connor.”

Mrs. Stevens shrugs “I think he seems a bit strange that’s all.”

_Well this is going great..._

Adam didn’t quite know how to continue the conversation in the direction he wanted. Turned out his wife helped him along.

“Oh that’s right I didn’t tell you, did you know the vice principal is ‘married’ to a woman!?” Mrs. Stevens made a point to put quotation marks around the word married.

“No I didn’t. Why does that matter?”

“Well, as I told Connor in the car, it isn’t exactly normal now is it?”

_She told Connor that didn’t she... That's just great._

“I bet for her it wouldn’t be normal to be married to a man, don’t you think?”

“Oh spare me Adam… I know you and your hippie liberal friends are always eager to appear soooo open-minded but come on you don’t think it’s… well, not normal?”

“Am I eager to appear? You don’t think I truly feel that way?”

“Yeah yeah but you know what I mean…”

“No I don’t. I couldn’t dream of that the loving and caring woman I feel in love with all those years ago would have a problem with gay people, I really couldn’t.”

The discussion was getting heated as Adam had a hard time keeping his emotions in check.

“I don’t have a problem with them!”

“Clearly you do.” Adam said matter-of-factly before continuing.

“And another thing. I don’t want you telling stuff like that to Connor.”

“What? Why not?” Mrs. Stevens didn’t quite know what her husband meant.

“I don’t want Connor growing up to be some homophobe, racist or sexist. Do you?”

“Well, no… but-“

“Then don’t tell him stuff like that. Ok?”

As most parents the Stevens’s sometimes had different opinions on how their child should be raised. Mrs. Stevens and Adam's often had different opinions when it came to morals and values. Thing was that Connor didn't only come first for Adam, Connor came first for Mrs. Stevens as well. Connor's mother also knew that Adam had some considerable strengths, teaching their son to be a good person was perhaps his biggest one. Falling in love with Adam all those years ago had been easy. 

“Alright… You’re right. I’ll… try to think about it.”

“Thank you.”

As they were putting away the dishes Mrs. Stevens remembered something.

“Oh that’s right, Melissa called me.”

“Melissa? As in Connor’s ex-girlfriend Melissa?”

”Yes. She wants to come and visit him. As a surprise you know?”

”Honey are you sure that Connor wants his ex-girlfriend to come over, as a surprise?” Adam wasn’t too sure about this.

“I think he’ll be delighted to see her again. Besides I don’t think they ever broke up.”

This caught Adam’s attention.

“What? No they broke up. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop but I heard Connor breaking up with her, they were at our house.” Connor had been sad about it but he had made it clear to Melissa that it was over.

“Well I don’t know, it just sounded like they were together when I spoke with Melissa. Maybe they’ve re-kindled or something.”

_Not very likely dear wife._

Adam didn’t really know what to say. Sure he’d noticed that Melissa was a bit… possessive of Connor sometimes but he didn’t think more of it. Perhaps his wife had just misunderstood.

“Umm… ok, when?” Adam asked while still not feeling sure about this.

“For Halloween. But remember we can’t tell Connor about it. It’s a surprise.”

 

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

At Jude’s house.

“Meeting you is… the best thing that’s happened to me… in a long time.”

After hearing Jude say those words, Connor wasn’t able to keep looking Jude in the eyes. It was too much for him so he looked away. He had to remind himself that it wasn’t Jude’s fault. It wasn’t his fault as he didn’t know that he couldn’t say things like that to Connor. Jude didn’t know what it did to him.

As Connor looked away Jude was brought back to the real world again. He was almost getting used to the feeling of getting out of the twilight zone that he was in while sharing these moments with Connor.

He was about to start panic over that he had said too much. That Connor finally had noticed.

“Thanks…” Jude was saved by Connor’s words that was accompanied with a shy smile.

“Okay… let’s eat.”

“Good idea!” Connor didn’t waste any time and the tense moment was substituted with a more relaxed state as the boys were eating and talking about soccer. Yes, soccer. Jude didn’t even mind. In fact, he enjoyed it.

”Fuck, this is delicious. You’re like a master chef man.”

“Please don’t swear. Thanks, it turned out okay.” Jude was being modest, it turned out perfect. With the amount of preparations Jude had put into it anything else would have been a surprise.

“Do you do it often, I mean cook and stuff?”

Jude snickered, “Yeah… you can say that.”

“How often?” It was something in Jude’s answer that was off, Connor had to know.

“Hmm… I’ve cooked dinner every day since I was twelve. Callie sometimes helped when she lived here but it was mostly me.”

Connor’s eyes went wide.

“Seriously? I think I’ve helped my dad like… two times or something. Ever.”

“Really, I could never have guessed.” Jude smirked at Connor.

“Ha-ha. But seriously… why is it always you know… you?”

“He prefers it that way.” Jude isn’t looking at Connor anymore.

Connor doesn’t know what to say to that. Connor understood that Jude doesn’t like talking about _him_ almost instantly after he got to know Jude. He didn’t want to push.

“Ok… Well you’re very good at it. Marriage material as I said.”

_Fuck you brain. Fuck you very very much. Lobotomy… lobotomy it is._

Jude’s smiling again. If Connor had been observant he’d see Jude blushing slightly as well.

_Okay you got lucky this time._

“Thanks. It was fun to cook with you.” Jude looked up at Connor again.

“Yeah I was really helpful wasn’t I?” Connor knew that Jude was just being nice, as always.

“I didn’t say you were helpful. I said it was fun.”

Connor laughed “Fair enough. And yeah I agree, it was fun.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The both of them were clearing away the table and started filling up the dishwasher. As Connor was trying to be efficient he took both their glasses with one hand but his fingers slipped a bit causing him to drop one of them.

As the glass hit the floor it shattered. Connor instantly looked at Jude with wide eyes.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry Jude!”

“It’s alright.” Jude replied, seemingly calm.

”I’m so fucking clumsy, shit I’m sorry. I’ll pay you of course.” Connor really felt awful.

”It’s alright, it happens. Just don’t step on the glass. And please don’t swear.” Jude gave Connor a reassuring smile.

As always Jude’s smile did the trick and Connor calmed down.

“Can you get the broom, it’s in the laundry room next to the living room?”

“Yeah sure… of course.”

As Connor went to the laundry room he heard that Jude went upstairs. Connor was sweeping up the broken glass when Jude came down. Jude was holding a glass looking exactly the same as the one that Connor accidently broke.

“Oh you had more?”

“Yeah.”

“Upstairs?”

“Yeah…” Jude hadn’t really thought this through.

“So let’s just clean this up, you can put the glass in here.” Jude changed the subject and placed a plastic bin in front of Connor.

“Alright that’s about it. Just put the broom back and we can get back to study.” Jude said while finishing up with the dishes.

Connor went back with the broom. Jude hadn’t really noticed that Connor perhaps had taken a little bit longer to get back than he should have. After a while he heard Connor from a distance.

“Hey Jude!”

“Yeah.”

“Didn’t you say that your foster dad was single?”

“Yeah he is.” Jude was too busy cleaning to really register the weirdness of Connor’s question.

“Well look what I found.” Connor had come back into the kitchen and Jude heard that Connor was almost giggling.

 

Jude turned around and everything went blank.

Connor was holding a blue dress attached to a hanger. Connor’s wide smile dropped instantly as he saw Jude falling apart in front of him.

Everything happened so fast. One second Connor was sure he’d make Jude smile showing him the blue dress he saw hanging in a cabinet next to the laundry room, the next one Jude was… Connor had never seen a human react the way that Jude did.

Jude screamed while putting his arms around his upper body as he was leaning forward. Jude kept repeating “No no, please stop! No no no!” while sobbing very loudly.

“Jude! I’m sorry! What is it? Jude! What’s happening?” Connor didn’t know what to do, he panicked.

Jude was hyper-ventilating, still wrapping his arms around himself, still sobbing loudly and still repeating “No”. After a few seconds Jude was running out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

Connor was devastated. He was in shock watching the scene played out in front of him. What had happened?

Hid mind was racing but he wasn’t really able to do any thinking. He had to make this right, whatever this was. Jude was giving away horrible sounds from upstairs. After a few moments just standing there not knowing what to do, Connor went up the stairs.

Jude’s sounds were clearly coming from his own room, the door was open and Connor walked in. He scanned the room and when he saw Jude he had to make a real effort not to break down himself.

Jude was laying on his side in the corner of his room. He had his eyes closed and his face was already wet from the massive amount of tears covering his face. He was laying in the fetal position still holding onto himself.

“Please no no no no!” Connor could barely make out the words, not that Jude was whispering but he was wailing and sobbing at the same time.

Connor fell down to his knees a few feet away from where Jude was laying. 

“Jude…? Please Jude talk to me.” Connor was desperate.

“No no no no no.” Jude kept repeating.

“Ha-… hang it ba- ba- back.” Jude finally got through saying.

“Ok I will, but Jude pleas-…” Jude looked to be in physical pain, the image unbearable for Connor. Connor noticed that Jude’s knuckles were going white as he seemed to hold on to himself for dear life.

“I… I… I don’t wa-wa-want you to see th- this.”

“Jude plea-“

“GO! Plea-please go!” Jude screamed at the top of his lungs, scaring Connor.

Connor stood up. Jude was crying so loudly that it almost hurt his ears. He’d never seen anything like this. He’d never heard the sounds that Jude was giving away before. He… never wanted to hear them again.

“Do- don’t look at m-m-m-me, please g-go!”

Jude had opened his eyes. Connor was walking backwards as he looked into Jude’s bloodshot eyes. Jude’s entire body was trembling and Connor didn’t feel like any of this was real.

He didn’t want to upset Jude anymore. Jude didn’t want him there so he had to go. He had to go even though he’d never wanted to stay with someone as much as he wanted to stay with Jude.

Connor walked down the stairs, the sounds coming from Jude’s room still ringing through the house. Connor was crying as he put back the dress exactly as he found it.

He closed the outer door and walked like in a daze over the yard. He could still hear Jude crying from his room.

Nothing felt real.

The only thing he was certain of was that he had left a piece of his heart up there in Jude’s room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 25: Blackout" is up Friday the 19th
> 
> Just a heads-up, I'm doing my very best to update as often as possible for you guys. Right now I'm only ~8-10 chapters ahead of you so in a while the updates will come up every other day instead of everyday. 
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr, add/msg me to talk about Waterloo, Lord Gavin or something else


	25. Blackout

“Hey son, how’s it going at Jude’s?”

“Dad… can you come and pick me up.”

Adam got up from the couch and left the living room. It was evident to him that his son was upset.

“Hey, what’s happened? Anything wrong?”

“Please just come and pick me up, I’m down the road from his house.”

“But I thought your mothe-.”

“No. Please. It has to be you.”

“Ok… yeah of course. I’ll be there.”

Adam returned to the living room to get the car keys from the table.

“How was he? They having fun?” Mrs. Stevens says casually while watching the TV.

“I’m going to pick him up.”

“What? Already? But we said I was going to pick him up?” Mrs. Stevens looked confused.

“He asked for me. I think he might want to talk about a certain someone’s birthday present.” Adam grinned at his wife.

“Naaw… he’s sweet. Alright, you go.”

”See you honey.” Adam said and kissed his wife.

_Adam you’re a genius…_

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Adam immediately saw Connor as he was sitting on a bench by the road close to Jude’s house. He could already tell that something was very wrong, Connor was hanging his head and looked miserable.

“Hey son…” Adam said as Connor opened the car door and took his seat.

Connor had his eyes closed and took deep breaths.

“What happened?”

No response from Connor.

“Son…? Something wrong?”

“Yeah… something’s wrong…” Connor finally spoke.

“What?”

“I’m not sure… but I’ll find out.” Connor look resolute.

“Come on, talk to me son, is there something I can do?”

“I… I don’t know yet dad. But somethings not right and… and I need to know why.”

“Ok… but, you sure there’s nothing I can do? I’ve been known to be helpful once in a while.”

“Thanks dad but I… I don’t know yet. I don’t even know if Jude wants to see me again.” And with those words Connor’s resolute posture cracked and he tried to hold back his sobs.

“What? Why wouldn’t he?” He was almost sure that Jude liked his son, like that. He’d seen it at the lake. He couldn’t tell Connor though as he wasn’t sure.

“He… I don’t know. He had some sort of panic attack. About something I did. But I didn’t mean to make him upset.” Connor was still crying softly.

“What did you do?”

“It… it doesn’t matter.” Something told Connor that Jude didn’t want anyone else to know about what happened and that included Adam.

“Can we just go, please.”

“Yeah… ok. Sure, son.”

As Adam was driving away he remembered something.

“Yeah by the way, you need to buy your mother something extra nice for her birthday.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor was lying in his bed looking at the ceiling. Since moving to San Diego this was not anything unusual. What was different was how Connor was feeling. He was almost depleted. The image of Jude lying in that corner, looking like that… sounding like that… It was too much for Connor.

He’d spent almost an hour sitting on the floor in his shower thinking about _it_. He’d been crying a lot. Seeing Jude like that… no. Never again. He was going to make sure of that. Jude Jacob should never have to feel like that again as long as Connor was around.

He wanted nothing more than to call Jude. He wanted, no he _needed,_ to hear his voice. But he knew he couldn’t call him. Of course he couldn’t. He thought about texting him but he couldn’t make himself do it. He didn’t know what to say. He just wanted to make this… right.

The evening turned into night but Connor was wide awake. His mind had been racing for hours. He’d thought about calling Hannah, or Madison, or even Chris, but he decided against it. Jude probably didn’t want anyone to know about it. But perhaps they could help him? _No… not without asking Jude._

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor apparently fell asleep as he awoke the next morning. He felt quite good for about five seconds until he remembered everything again. He closed his eyes, his stomach physically hurt thinking about yesterday.

He did his best to try and occupy himself and his mind. He tried playing video games, he tried surfing the internet, he even thought about studying but as it reminded him of Jude he didn’t.

He looked outside, objectively it was a beautiful Sunday but Connor couldn’t care less about the weather.

At noon, his father knocked on the door and entered.

“Hey son… can we talk?”

Connor nodded. He had returned to his bed, just staring absentmindedly at the familiar ceiling.

Adam closed the door behind him.

“So… how you feeling?”

Connor shrugged.

“Son you have to realize that you’re making me worried. Should I be worried about you?”

“No… not about me. I’ll be fine. I’m just… thinking about Jude.”

“Ok… that’s good. Well it’s not _good_ but I’m glad to hear you’ll be fine.”

“I’ll be fine… hopefully.”

Adam had never really seen his son this way. Connor was almost always happy and carefree. This version of his son was far from both those things.

“Do you want to tell me what happened yesterday?”

Connor shook his head. “I can’t. He wouldn’t want me to.”

“Ok… I respect that. He’s got a good friend in you.”

“I just hope we’ll remain friends…” Connor felt close to tears.

“Jude is smart. Right?”

“He’s a genius…”

“Exactly. So if you didn’t try to hurt him on purpose, he’ll get that eventually, right?”

Adam was making sense so Connor nodded.

“Alright good. Just give him time, whatever this is about I’m sure he’ll come around.”

After a moment of silence Connor speaks up.

“Dad…”

“Yeah?”

“I… I like him.”

“I know you do, son. I like him too.”

“Yeah but I… I like him a lot.”

“Oh…”

“Yeah…”

“You sure?”

Connor looks his father in the eyes and nods.

“I’m sure.”

Adam was once again feeling immensely proud of his son. He was even feeling a bit proud of himself that Connor felt safe enough to discuss his feelings with him. From what he’d heard from other parents it wasn’t all that common.

“Well then there’s only one thing to do son.”

“What’s that?”

“You have to find out if he feels the same. These feelings don’t go away just like that.”

“Well easy for you to say, it’s not like I can ask him. I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore.”

“I’ve only seen you together at the lake. And that touch was not in the way you pat your friend on the shoulder if you ask me. Has anything else happened?”

“I don’t know… We’ve, looked at each other a few times.”

“Looked?”

“Yeah… I can’t describe it but it’s… I can’t breathe in those moments… I just look him in the eyes and I…  I zone out. It’s scary really.” Connor looks up in the ceiling but Adam can hint a small smile on his lips.

Adam tries to repress smiling widely as his son is opening up his heart to him.

“How many times have it happened, this zoning out?”

“Four. Four times.” Connor said not missing a beat.

“First time in the cafeteria, first day of school. Second time later that week on the soccer field. Third time at the lake when our fingers were almost touching. Fourth time yesterday after we’ve made dinner.” Connor didn’t have to think twice remembering when and where it had happened.

Adam nodded as Connor went on talking about what seemed to be happy memories.

“And I take it… these looks last a bit longer than they do with… other friends?”

“Yeah… definitely.”

”Well you have to find out then. Remember that no one can resists a Stevens. If he wasn’t gay before we’ll turn him.” Adam chuckled.

“Yeah I wish it was that easy…”

“You sure you don’t want my help? I can try and figure him out for you. Very discreetly of course.”

“Dad. No. I know we kid around a lot but I’m being 100 % serious now. I will never talk to you again if you do.”

Adam laughed “Ok ok I won’t. Let me know if I can help.”

“I won’t. Trust me on that.”

“Alright, lunch in 15 minutes, come down when you’re ready.” Adam said and left Connor’s room.

Even though the memory of yesterday still overshadowed everything that could be considered positive in his life Connor was very grateful that he could talk about Jude with someone. He honestly didn’t know what he’d do if he’d have no one to talk to about all of this.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude was laying still in his bed. He hadn’t left his room since yesterday… since his blackout. He remembered… some of it. He’d yelled at Connor. He didn’t remember what he said but he was sure it was bad. He felt sick just thinking about it. 

It had taken almost two hours for his severe panic attack to somewhat subside. By far the worst incident since the beach over two years ago. He had been so afraid of this. That it would happen in front of Connor. And here he was, laying and thinking about that his worst nightmare had come true.

He hadn’t eaten in over 24 hours. Didn’t matter. He couldn’t feel a thing anyway. Phil would be home in a few hours, he still had time to put everything back in order.

Jude had been by himself most of his life. He’d learned to live with it just fine. Honestly it had been fine. He managed. He survived.

These last few weeks however had been very hard on Jude. He felt… alone whenever he wasn’t with Connor. Before, Jude had no problem at all with being alone, but now... now...There was too much going on inside him for him to handle. This… thing, with Connor, was too much for him to handle on his own. But he had no choice, of course he hadn’t.

Now it didn’t matter. Connor was gone, probably forever. Connor was a saint but even he would have his limit. He wouldn’t want to have Jude the psycho as a friend even if he probably would be too kind to tell Jude himself. Jude probably had to do it for him.

Jude got up from his bed and stood before his mirror. He unbuttoned his shirt and took it off. His bottom lip started to tremble and tears was once again going down his cheek. As so many times before, he traced his fingers from below his right chest down to his belly button.

_Disgusting._

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor was getting ready for bed. He’d been ready for it the whole day. He was hoping so much that Jude would be at school tomorrow that he’d turn to praying. On the other hand, he was almost terrified to see him. Not knowing if Jude even wanted to talk to him anymore scared him.

One good thing had come out of this weekend. Connor wasn’t uncertain what this fascination about Jude was anymore. He wasn’t confused anymore. Seeing Jude so vulnerable and broken had shown Connor what he wanted.

He liked Jude. He liked him more than a friend for sure. This was really nothing new. What was kind of new was that now he was sure that these feelings wouldn’t pass in a long long time, if they ever would. He couldn’t fight it anymore, it was pointless.

Accepting this didn’t make him any less scared. If these feelings meant he’d lose Jude as a friend, he… no he couldn’t even think about that. As he was starting to worry himself that Jude would freak out if he ever told him his phone buzzed.

He picked it up, he stopped breathing when he saw that it was a text from Jude. It must be a long one since it all didn’t fit on his screen. He took a deep, much needed, breath and unlocked his phone. He laid down in his bed and started reading it very carefully.

 

“Hey Connor. It’s Jude.

I guess now you know why I deserve all the things that J&S and the others do to me. I didn’t want you to see this side of me, ever. If only you knew how hard I’ve tried for this not to happen in front of you. I don’t really know exactly what I did or what I said to you but I’m sure it was bad. If I can ask one last thing of you it’s that you please don’t tell anyone at school what happen. I know that I can’t make you and I'll understand it if you do tell.

I’ll tell Lena to find you another tutor. I’m more sorry than I can ever tell you.

I just want you to know that I still meant what I said. About meeting you. Goodbye.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 26: Connor be brave" is up Sunday the 21st
> 
> So guys, we're a little more than halfway through this story. How are you liking it so far? 
> 
> Feel free to share any thoughts. I'm a big boy, I can handle it ;)


	26. Connor be brave

Jude had turned off his phone after he sent the text message to Connor. It had taken him nearly an hour to write it. He had struggled with every word but he needed to send it. Letting Connor know that he understood that they weren’t going to be friends anymore after Connor had seen him like that.

He knew that Callie probably would be a bit worried when she would try to call him for their usual Monday morning chat. He couldn’t care less about that. He was completely drained of everything. Nothing really mattered.

Jude’s friends had needed about three seconds to understand that he was to be left alone. As they walked to school Jude seemed totally disconnected from everything. Hannah was of course worried but she knew him well enough to give him space when he was shutting down.

He didn’t really know how he made it through his classes up until lunch. He’d managed to tell Hannah that he wasn’t meeting them up for lunch, he had to visit Lena when he knew that she would be there.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

He knocks on the familiar door, as he’s done many times before.

“Come in!” The kind and warm voice says from inside.

“Hey, you got a minute?” Jude says while entering.

"For you Jude, always. Take a seat.” Seeing Lena always has a soothing effect on him. This time it isn't enough to make him feel better though.

“So… what’s this about?” Lena asks seeing that Jude is struggling with his words.

“You… you need to find Connor another tutor.” Jude looks down at his lap.

Lena isn't responding. Jude looks up to face a neutral expression on Lena’s face.

Lena takes a minute, choosing her words, before she finally speaks.

“No… no I don’t think so Jude.”

“What? No you don’t understand... it, I… I can't.” Jude’s emotions are in clear turmoil, Lena can tell clear as day. He is trying to keep himself together. His trembling bottom lip probably gives him away though. He felt the need to avoid Lena’s eyes yet again.

“Jude… look at me.”

He complies.

“Do you know what the first thing I saw when I arrived this morning was?”

Jude shruggs, of course he didn’t know.

“And you know how early I get here, right?”

Jude nods although utterly confused of what Lena is getting at.

“I found a certain boy we both know, leaning against that door.” Lena points to the door leading to her office.

“Wh-… why?”

“Why he was sitting there at 6 in the morning? And by the look of him, god only knows how long he’d been there.”

Jude is afraid to ask what Connor has told her, but still he nods slowly.

“He was here for one thing and one thing only. To make me promise him not to find him another tutor before he got the chance to talk with you.”

Jude sits there dumbstruck. This conversation isn't turning out the way he’d planned it.

“Apparently you’ve turned off your phone.”

Jude nods.

“Well he didn’t want to say what it was all about. But if I have to guess he hadn’t slept all night. I let him sleep right there until he had to go to his first class. He needed it.” Lena points at her couch.

Silence fills the room. Jude has no idea what to say. His head is spinning.

“Jude… I don’t know what Connor did. But I can promise you he regrets it. You can’t fake what I saw this morning.” Lena talks with a calm tone, the one she always uses when Jude is in distress.

“What Connor did? He didn’t do anything. I did.”

Lena lost her neutral pose for a second, to Jude she's looking confused.

“Ok… I think the two of you need to talk. He didn’t seem alright and I can see you’re not doing that well either.”

“Yeah… yeah…” Jude gets up from his chair.

“Hey Jude. You know I’m here if you need someone to talk to… you know you can trust me right?”

A lot of people has told him that, few has hold on to that promise. Lena however has never let him down, yet.

“Yeah… I know. Thank you.”

Lena has to try. But as he always does, he doesn't let her in. She has to try though. Always.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

As Jude is leaving Lena’s office he needs a minute to process everything. What does all this mean. Connor had sat outside Lena’s door all that time just to talk to her… it was hard for Jude to wrap his head around everything happening.

He swallows hard and picks up his phone from his pocket. He hesitates for a moment before turning it on. For some reason his fingers are shaking, if only just slightly.

_14 new messages_

Twelve of them are from Connor. He doesn't open them. He's got one message from Callie, he opens it and as he suspected she's expressing worry that he didn’t pick up this morning. The last and most recent message is from Hannah.

“You need to talk to Connor. Now.”

He sighs deeply and starts typing a message.

“Hey, meet me at the bench by the beach after school if you still want to talk. /Jude”

Jude hasn’t even got time to put away his phone in his pocket again before it buzzes.

“I’ll be there!”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude has been able to avoid any human interaction for the rest of the school day. After last period is over he heads towards the beach and the bench. He hasn’t been this nervous in a long time. Hmm… thinking about he’d probably been just as nervous every time that Connor was about to come over to study.

As soon as the bench is within line of sight he sees that Connor is already sitting there waiting for him. As he is getting close he notices one thing immediately, Connor’s hair isn’t the way he usually styles it. It doesn’t even look styled at all.

“Hey…” Jude says as he approaches the bench, catching Connor a bit off guard as he seems startled.

“Oh, hey. Sit please.” Jude realizes that he still is standing up for some reason.

As Jude sits down he notices more things about Connor that is out of the ordinary. His shirt seems wrinkled and his face… or rather his eyes seems… tired.

After a while Connor faces him, Jude sees that Connor’s eyes are scanning him and finally they're focusing on something above Jude’s eyes.

Connor laughs softly “Glad to see I wasn’t the only one who didn’t bother with the hair this morning.”

Jude’s eyes goes wide and by instinct his hand touches his hair. _Shit_.

Connor snickers again. ”Don’t worry it looks good even when it’s _au natural_.”

“Can’t believe I forgot to do it… I always do it.” Jude doesn’t even know who he is anymore. If he can forget to fix his hair, he figures he is capable of pretty much anything.

“I’m… I’m sorry…” Jude finally says after a few moments of silence.

“No. Let me… let me say something first. And then you can say whatever you want, ok?”

Jude nods.

“I’m the one that’s sorry. I wasn’t thinking at your house and I… I need to start thinking. I know that. I can’t say I know what happened but I want to. And you don’t think I want to be your friend just because you… you reacted that way? I don’t care about that. Or yes I care about it but I only care about it because it was… not easy, to see you… like that.”

Connor takes a pause before he continues.

“And I would never, ever, tell anyone about what happened. And, just to be clear, I want to be your friend. I… really don’t want to lose my best friend.”

A single tear runs down Jude’s cheek. He can't believe the boy sitting next to him, he's just too much for Jude to handle. _He's perfect..._  

Jude faces Connor’s hazel eyes.

“I… I don’t want to lose my best friend either.”

Both of them smiles softly at each other.

  
Jude thinks about it for a while, discussing in his own head if he should or shouldn’t.

“Hey Connor… there’s something… I want you to see.”

Connor looks over at Jude as he pulls out a piece of paper from his jeans pocket. Jude hands the wrinkled paper over to Connor.

“Open it…”

Connor does as he is told, he folds up the wrinkled piece of paper. On it he immediately identifies Jude’s handwriting.

_“Connor. If you’re reading this, it means that I’m having an incident. I don’t want you to see me like this so please leave, whatever the circumstances are – just leave me alone. Please, leave. It’s not your fault, just leave.”_

Connor gulps and looks up at Jude after reading the note. Jude is looking out towards the ocean.

“I’ve had that on me after the first time we meet… I thought I could pull myself together enough to give you that if… something happened. Guess I was wrong…”

Connor doesn't really know what to say. Tears aren't far away as he understands how hard it must be for Jude to have to plan for everything. Not for if… but when things go wrong for him.

“Thanks… for showing me this. But now you don’t need it anymore, right?”

Jude smiles while still looking at the waves.

“Yeah… I don’t want it back.”

Just when the last bit of anxiety is about to leave Jude’s body for the first time since Saturday, he notices two familiar figures walking past the bench they are sitting on.

John and Scott don't say a word as they pass by Jude and Connor, they just look at them as they are walking by. Jude gets a bad feeling from the way they are looking at him, or rather them, but that is really nothing new when it comes to them looking at Jude.

“Pleeeeease let me kick their asses?” Connor says in a begging tone when they’d passed.

“No. You promised, remember?” Jude is not entirely displeased with Connor’s offer but he keeps it for himself.

“You’d think I’d be asking if I hadn’t…”

Jude snickers by accident.

“Hah! You smiled I’m off the hook!” Connor says jokingly while he stands up to indicate running after John & Scott.

“You are not, sit down!” Jude is laughing.

Jude is laughing and Connor is looking at Jude and Connor is…

Connor is…

Connor likes Jude.

“So friends?” Connor says before saying something truly fucking stupid.

“Friends” Jude replies.

“And for future reference. I’m always going to want to be your friend. Unless you like try to kill me or my parents. Deal?”

“Deal.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor walked back home from the beach after saying goodbye to Jude. They had decided that Jude would come over to his house the day after tomorrow after school just to hang out. No studying for once. As it was going to be the first Jude was at their house, Connor of course had to have a talk with his father. He needed him to behave.

As he was walking towards his house Connor found himself to be, happy. Like truly happy. It was weird to Connor how he could go from miserable to full on happy so quickly. Of course he knew who was to blame for it, but it still felt weird for him.

He couldn’t keep the smile from his face just thinking about Jude coming over. _Sweet, kind, perfect Jude…_

It was there and then, on the walk home from the beach that Connor decided it was time.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The Stevens’s had just finished eating dinner. Adam was glad to see the apparent change in his son’s mood. The difference from yesterday was evident.

Connor had decided. This didn’t make Connor any less nervous. He’d decided to do it after dinner. His anxiety had risen to the extent that he was thinking about calling the whole thing off when the plates were going into the dishwasher.

_No. It’s time._

“Mom… dad… I...”

”Yes sweetie?” Mrs. Stevens said while putting away the last of the cutlery.

“I need to talk to you.”

Adam couldn’t help to tense up. He thought Connor would tell him on beforehand if he was telling his mother _that_. Perhaps this was about something else.

“Sure sweetie, go ahead.” His mother was still not giving Connor her full attention.

“I think… I think we should sit down.”

Connor saying that sentence got his mother’s attention.

“Ok… is something wrong?” She said while sitting down at the kitchen table. Adam sat down next to her.

Connor sat down on the opposite side of the table. He had to sit on his hands to keep them from shaking.

“Yes… well no, nothing’s wrong. But…”

“But what sweetie?” Mrs. Stevens looked over at her husband not really knowing why he was so quiet.

“I ha-… I have something to tell you. The both of you.”

”You can tell us anything you know that.” Adam reassured.

Connor looked at his mother who was nodding towards him.

“Well… I…” Connor looked at his father who also was nodding at him.

“Yes, what sweetie?” Mrs. Stevens urged him on.

“I’ve realized something… about myself.” Connor’s lip was trembling and his jaw was going from side to side. Of course his parents notices.

“The thing is… it’s no-nothing bad. I don’t feel sorry about it…”

Adam took his wife’s hand, feeling proud hearing his son’s words.

Connor looked his mother in the eyes. He was barely holding back his tears.

“I’m ju-... I’m just scared… mom.”

Mrs. Stevens frowned a bit when Connor suddenly was addressing her and her only.

“No.” She suddenly says.

“Wh-?”

“No.” She repeats.

Both Adam and Connor are looking at her with a confused look on their faces.

“No?” Connor asks.

“No.” She confirms, shaking her head.

“What do you mean?” Adam asks his wife.

“I know what he’s going to say. What he… think is going on. And no. NO Connor you’re not like that!”

Suddenly she stands up and leaves the kitchen.

“Mom!” Connor shouts after her but it’s too late, she’s gone.

When his mother shuts the front door Connor can’t hold it in anymore, he starts crying. He isn’t crying uncontrollable as he did in the car with Adam, but tears are running down his cheeks as he hides his face in the palm of his hand.

Adam gets up from his chair, goes around the table and sits down next to his son and puts his arms around him.

Connor’s sobbing but finally he speaks.

“I hate her…”

“No you don’t son. She’ll come around. I’ve promised you, right?”

“Yeah but…”

“Have I ever broken a promise to you?”

“No, but…”

“Do you think I’m going to let your mother turn me into a liar?”

Adam’s words do comfort him but Connor doesn’t say anything. His chest hurts. He had held on to some string of hope that his mother would surprise him in a positive way. _Idiot._

“You know I’m so proud of you… It always… amazes me, just how proud you make me.”

Connor meets Adam’s eyes, Connor’s eyes watery and red.

“You’re everything I wanted you to be. Everything. You’re strong, kind, considerate, compassionate and above all… and this is the important one, you’re brave.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 27: Dr. J & Mr. Hyde" is up Tuesday the 23rd
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr, add/msg me to talk about Waterloo, Lord Gavin or something else


	27. Dr J & Mr. Hyde

The moment that Jude got home, after having the talk with Connor on the beach, he started making dinner. He had about half-an-hour before Phil came home, plenty of time.

Jude couldn’t believe how this day had turned out. When he woke up he was beyond miserable. He was sure that he’d lost Connor because of the incident. He was going to tell Lena to find him another tutor. Instead it turned out that Connor… if Jude didn’t have a better word for it, that Connor fought for their friendship.

Thinking about it Jude felt he might have gone just a bit drama queen over the whole situation but when it came to anything Connor-related he couldn't be responsible for his actions. This was a fact.

He shakes his head just thinking about how his life had changed when Connor entered it. Connor was like… a dream. Jude couldn’t believe that he even was for real. And that he genuinely seemed to like Jude, it was more than a miracle he reasoned.

There was that one thing though that bothered him. Bothered… there’s an understatement. How long could he hide his feelings from Connor. How long until he noticed, until he found out. What would happen _if_ Connor found out, could they still be friends?

And the silliest thing… the most idiotic thing… even after all he’s been through, he should know better. He really should. But he doesn’t… somehow he doesn’t. He still has an ounce of it left, and it’s all saved for Connor.

He has some tiny, microscopic string of… hope. Hope that Connor feels the same. He knows it’s just a dream but when he thinks back to the times that time had stopped when they looked at each other, then he has hope.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor’s mother returns to their house late at night. Connor had already gone to bed after Adam had made sure he was as ok as he could be.

He heard that his parents were having a brief discussion before silence once again filled the house. He was worried, of course, with the way his mother had reacted. He didn’t even get to say it. She didn’t even let him do that. Connor didn’t sleep very well that night.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The gang were sitting at their usual lunch table. Madison wouldn’t shut up about her Halloween-party. Correction, Hannah’s Halloween-party.

“Come on guys it’s like…” Madison was counting on her fingers “ten days until the party.”

“Eleven.” Hannah corrected her.

“Yeah yeah I only have ten fingers. Anyway, you’re all coming, right?”

“Yeah for sure.” Chris said.

“Yes we’re going. Remember you’ve promised me wine-coolers Hannah!” Ashley said while resting her head on Jacob’s shoulder.

They were all looking at Jude.

“I… I don’t know. Maybe. I can’t promise anything.”

The thing was that Phil was _probably_ going to be away that weekend but he wasn’t sure and he couldn’t exactly ask him as that would raise his suspicion.

“Come on Jude it’ll be good for you. Just imagine the things you’ll see when you’re sober and no one else is. You’re going to have a hold on like everyone.” Madison was practically begging.

“Are you all going to drink?” Jude asked with a frown.

No one answered him. That meant yes. Jude gulped.

“Maybe.”

“Come on Jude!” Madison tried again.

“I said maybe.” Jude saying that with that look on his face made sure that no one asked again.

Hannah leaned over when the others were busy discussing outfits and where they were going to get the alcohol from.

“I’m actually going to be sober but don’t tell Maddie. She’ll be personally offended.” Hannah winked at him causing him to smile.

“Alright lunch’s over, we all see each other at soccer practice later.” Chris says and leads the way.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude’s sitting on the bleachers with the girls. He’s looking for Connor but he hasn’t arrived yet which is a bit out of the ordinary, he’s usually early.

After a while he sees the Stevens’s car park on the parking lot next to the field. Connor gets out and jogs towards the field. The weird part is that it’s not Mrs. Stevens who gets out of the driver’s seat, it’s Adam.

As the practice starts, Madison is shamelessly sitting on the bleachers with her binoculars. It’s like she’s not even trying any more. The others laugh at her but she just shrugs it off.

“Believe me, seeing what I see, I can take your remarks about my desperation anytime.”

“I’m almost afraid to ask but ok… I’ll bite, what do you see?” Hannah asks while exhaling.

“I’m looking at Connor’s massive bulge.” Madison says while popping her bubblegum, still with the binoculars before her eyes.

Ashley and Hannah laughs.

Unfortunately, Jude was just taking a sip from his water bottle when Madison shared her vision. Jude coughs violently while spitting out the water several feet.

The three girls laugh at Jude’s reaction.

“Oh you’re such a prude Jude…” Madison said, still not putting down the binoculars.

When practice is over the four of them meets up with Chris and Jacob who are still stretching. Jude listens in while the other five are discussing the Halloween-party, still debating which outfits they were going to wear.

Connor suddenly comes up to Jude. Jude does his very best not to look between Connor knees and chest.

“Hey! So… how did I do?”

“You were ok I guess, seemed a bit slow though. Must be all that junk food.”

“Shut up man.” Connor says jokingly.

”By the way, which time should I come over tomorrow?”

“Whenever you can, I’ll be home after school so.”

“Ok, I’ll come over after I’ve made dinner.”

“Great. I guess I don’t need to warn you about my dad, since you’ve already meet him.”

Jude snickers “I think I can handle him. I’m just eager to know what more I’ll learn about you from him.”

While Jude and Connor are talking they get interrupted by Adam who shouts from a distance.

“Hey Connor, time to go! See you tomorrow Jude, let me know if you need a ride!”

“Yeah ok! See you tomorrow Jude.” Connor says before going to their car.

Jude’s looking at Connor the whole time as he’s walking back to the car. _Still not the ugliest pair of shorts in existence..._

Jude’s pure and angelic thoughts are interrupted by Chris who’s apparently standing beside him. How long he’s been there? Jude has no idea. Looks like he zoned out. Watching those shorts.

“Hey.” Chris says.

“Hey…?” Jude finds Chris greeting him a bit weird.

“So listen, you think we can talk?”

“Now?” Jude’s taken a bit by surprise. He can’t remember that Chris has ever asked to talk to him one-on-one.

“Well… yeah? If you’re not busy.”

“No it’s ok.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“Is mom home?” Connor asks as he and Adam are a few minutes away from home.

“Yeah she is.” Adam replies.

“Time for round two then…”

“You want me to help out?”

“No… I need to do this on my own. I need her to understand that it’s me. That this is me.”

Adam nods. “I understand. I’ll let you talk. You got this, son.”

“Yeah… I hope so.” Connor’s jaw is moving while he’s biting his lip.

Father and son enters their house. Connor takes a deep breath before going into the living room. Adam goes up the stairs, leaving his wife and son alone downstairs.

“Hey Connor I’ve been looking at some new training exercises that I thi-.”

“Mom…” Connor interrupts his mother who’s sitting behind the computer situated at a desk in the corner of the living room. 

“I think they’ll really improve yo-.”

“Mom. Look at me.”

Mrs. Stevens goes silent. Still with her back turned to Connor. Connor can feel the tension in the living room thicken with each passing second.

“Mom… please look at me…”

Connor can feel himself tearing up. He thought he would be strong enough for this but he wasn’t. When his mother just sits there, seemingly petrified he speaks again. Or rather shouts.

“LOOK AT ME!”

Mrs. Stevens flinches. She slowly turns around and looks at him with a blank expression.

“Yes. I’m looking at you.” She tries to act casual but her voice trembles.

Mother and son stares at each other for a few moments. Connor is taking deep breaths while his mother doesn’t seem to breath at all.

“This has nothing to do with you. But it has everything to do with me. I need you to hear me say it.” Connor’s voice isn’t nearly as steady as he wishes it to be.

His mother isn’t responsive. She just sits there but her expression has gone from neutral to what from Connor’s perspective clearly looks like worry.

“Mom…”

He’s never said it before. Not to Adam. Not even to himself. He swallows down hard.

“I’m gay.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude and Chris are walking side-by-side. They’ve agreed to walk together on their way home until their ways split up.

Jude’s a bit worried what this was about. He still remembers Chris’s words, _“You would know… right?”._

“So… how you holding up?” Chris asked after they’ve walked for a few minutes.

“I’m… good? Why do you ask?”

“You sure? You haven’t seemed to be doing so… good.” Chris didn’t talk with the same amount of confidence he usually did.

Jude goes silent.

“And I think I know why.” Chris says after a few more moments.

Jude gulps. _How can he know? I’ve been so careful… Has he somehow seen my bruises?_

“And I’m pretty sure you could use someone to talk to… about it. You shouldn’t have to be all alone in this.”

Now Jude was really worried. How could Chris know?

“I know we haven’t really… talked that much. But as I don’t think the others _know_ , I figured it was time to step up, you know?”

Jude didn’t know, the only thing he knew was that he desperately wanted to get out of this conversation.

“Jude?”

“Mmm… what?”

“You know it’s ok? It’s nothing you should be ashamed of.”

“What?” Jude wasn’t following.

Chris stopped and Jude did the same.

“I know you’re gay. And it’s ok.” Chris blurted out.

“Wh-… Wh-… Ho-…” Jude’s mouth opened and he began to stutter.

“It’s ok. And you know that no one of the others will care, right? But you shouldn’t go around and have to keep it all inside.” Chris voice was steady.

“I… I… But… Wh-…” Jude’s voice wasn’t.

Chris smiles at Jude. “Come on man I won’t tell anyone. I just want you to know you can talk to me about it if you want to. This was supposed to make you feel relieved or something, but I can tell now that I was wrong...”

Something in Chris’s calm tone and the way he’s having this conversation in such a casual way makes Jude a little less stressed out although being in a, for Jude, extremely stressful situation.

“How… how long?”

“Well I’ve suspected it for a long time. Years. But I didn’t _know_ … until Connor.”

Jude gulped and started to sweat. _Shit_.

“Umm…” Jude was stressing out again. How could Chris know about this?

Chris laughs slightly. “Relax man I won’t tell. And you don’t have to say anything. But I’ve seen it.”

Chris continues as Jude doesn’t seem that talkative. “And if I not mistaken… he’s into you too.”

Now Jude knows that Chris is being delusional, he snorts. “No he’s not. Believe me, he’s not…”

Chris just smiles and they start walking again “Whatever dude… I’ve seen what I’ve seen.”

“Also… you swimming with him kind of gave it away.”

Jude looks over at Chris. “How do you…?”

“Connor told me. By mistake. He was talking about your fishing trip and it kind of slipped out. I could tell he regretted it like nothing else so don’t beat him up about it. He tried to smooth it over but nothing gets by Chris Hyde. Okay pretty much everything usually gets by me but that didn’t.” Chris laughs at himself.

Jude is clamming up. Chris has seen this a million times before.

“Hey, I was happy to hear that you were swimming again. It was about time.”

“Yeah… it was.” Jude was still extremely uncomfortable having this conversation. He wasn’t even… what Chris had said. He just liked Connor.

“I’m still so fucking angry at John and Scott for what they did…”

“Don’t swear, and… don’t be. You know that things actually got better after that? They stayed away for a long time…”

“Yeah, I know.”

Jude looked over at Chris, feeling confused he asked him.

“How did you know that?”

Chris didn’t respond.

“Chris…?”

“Well because I showed them what happens when they don’t.” Chris wasn’t looking at Jude, he just kept looking ahead as they were walking.

Jude slowed down as they were getting close to the crossway where their paths would part.

“What did you do?” Jude didn’t like this. He wanted nothing more than that the incident at the beach to be a closed chapter.

“I know you don’t like violence Jude. You don’t want to know.” Chris kept looking straight forward, not looking proud but not looking as he regretted anything.

As Jude didn’t say anything Chris kept going.

“I just got so fucking angry when I heard about it. I wished that I’d been there that day. When I found them I just lost it, I couldn’t stop until… until I was finished. I lost control. I knew you wouldn’t approve so I never told you.”

Jude gulped. He didn’t like violence. Even when it happened to _them_.

“I’ve never seen you… lose control.” Jude hadn’t, ever.

“No… me neither.” Chris had a… way with him that Jude had a hard time to place. Chris was not sounding as his usual self.

“So… do you know why you did… this time?”

They had reached the crossroad so they’ve stopped walking. Jude was looking at Chris while Chris was looking at the pavement.

“Yeah I think I do.” Chris said while nodding.

Jude was waiting for an explanation.

“Well as you said, you know that unfortunately I like Maddie, like that.” Chris looked nervous, which was new to Jude.

“Yeah, I still think you should tell her.”

 “Yeah… maybe.”

Chris took a moment before he spoke again. Chris finally looks at Jude.

“Turns out you didn’t know about the first crush of my life now did you?”

Chris started walking down the street, he turned around and faced a Jude that had a million thoughts running through his head. With a smile the blonde said, before turning back.

“See ya Jude.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 28: The good touch" is up Thursday the 25th
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr, add/msg me to talk about Waterloo, Lord Gavin or something else


	28. The good touch

Jude had a lot to think about while walking back home. Chris had left him speechless when revealing that… well what did he say?

Maddie wasn’t his first crush was all he said, coming to think about it. No biggie. Problem was that Jude wasn’t stupid, even if he sometimes wished that he was. Not often, but sometimes.

He couldn’t ignore the fact that Chris had heavily implied that it was in fact Jude who’d been his first crush. But that didn’t make any sense at all. Jude had easily spotted the way that Chris had looked at Madison. Surely he would have noticed if Chris felt the same about him.

The more he thought about it, perhaps Jude had been too pre-occupied with just trying to survive at that time to notice anything like that. He had to ask Chris more about it.

The last thing he thought about before drifting off to sleep was that Chris has succeeded. He’d said that he wanted Jude to felt relieved that he could perhaps talk to someone about _it_. Jude didn’t know if he wanted to talk to Chris about _it_ but he knows one thing, he doesn’t feel as alone anymore.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Adam had been on high alert since he heard Connor yell at his mother to simply look at him. From upstairs he heard his son say the words that he’d been waiting for him to say. He walked down the stairs and into the living room.

Connor was still standing looking at his mother, he seemed sad and tired. His wife was still sitting on the desk chair, her eyes alternated between looking at Connor and the floor.

Adam patted Connor on the shoulder in an encouraging way before taking a seat on the couch.

The three of them remained silent. Connor was breathing heavily, seemingly trying to compose himself.

After a few minutes, Mrs. Stevens looked at her husband.

“You knew?”

Adam meet her eyes and after a second of hesitation he nodded at her.

“Yeah… I knew.”

Mrs. Stevens started to tremble. She tried to hold back the tears but some escaped down her cheeks.

“How long?” She said while not looking at either Adam nor Connor.

“I’ve _known_ for a few weeks.”

Mrs. Stevens sniffles and dries some tears under her eyes with her sweater.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

When Connor hears this he can’t help to snicker at his mother. He didn’t mean for it to sound so mean but it was a reflex.

“Why do _you_ think?!”

”Connor…” Adam looks disapprovingly at his son. Even though Connor had a good point it wasn’t the time to be aggressive towards his mother.

Silence once again fills the Stevens’s living room. After a minute or two, Connor’s mother finally looks at him again.

“Are you… are you sure?”

“Yeah… I’m sure.”

“Bu-… but Melissa?”

Connor shakes his head.

“Never like that…”

After a while, Adam speaks up as the other two don’t seem to know how to. He looks at his wife.

“I’ve already told our son how much I love and support him. And how proud I am of him.”

 

The tension lies thick as the room once again goes silent.

Out of the blue, Mrs. Stevens breaks down crying.

Both Connor and Adam instinctively moves closer to her. Connor stays a few feet away but Adam kneels besides her trying to comfort her.

“I’m so… I’m so sorry.” She gets through between her sobs.

“For what?” Adam grabs her hands in his.

“FOR EVERYTHING!” She screams, startling both Connor and Adam.

“Don’t you think I know? Huh?!” She looks with tear-filled eyes between her son and husband.

After her outburst her tone changes into a soft and resigned one.

“I know that you… would choose each other. You have the father that you deserve Connor… I… I’m so sorry that you didn’t get the mother you deserve...”

Tears running freely down her cheeks. This time, Mrs. Stevens didn’t need to fake them.

She looks at Connor, who’s also crying, seeing his mother like this. Finally broken and defeated.

“I can’t say that this is what I wanted. I didn’t want this for you…” She takes a moment trying to pull herself together. Putting on a facade, as she had done for a long time, is apparently tiresome.  

“But I do love you Connor. You are…” She starts crying again, new tears forming, she can barely continue speaking. 

“You are perfect… you’ve always been perfect… always.”

“I love you too mom…” Connor finally approaches his mother and embraces her. She desperately holds on to him.

The three of them are all hugging each other and for the first time in a long time, Connor is feeling hopeful about the future.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“Hey you think we can talk?”

“Shit, I was afraid you’d say that.” Chris laughs as Jude had approached him in school the following the day.

Jude smiles slightly as they’re standing at Chris’s locker. Jude looks around, making sure no one else is around.

“So…” Jude starts.

“So…” Chris replies, apparently not trying to make this any easier for Jude.

“So… yesterday…”

“Yupp…” Chris replies.

”That was…” Jude doesn’t seem to know how to finish sentences anymore.

Chris waits a few moments, he can't help finding Jude's squirming amusing. 

“You know what, I actually don’t care. I can say it. Yeah I had a crush on you.” Chris says while shrugging.

Jude blushes hearing Chris say that. It doesn’t seem real.

“But…? That can’t be. I mean. That’s, crazy?”

The tall blonde laughs again, seemingly not even finding this conversation the least uncomfortable.

“Man, for being a genius you sure aren’t that smart are you?” Chris says jokingly.

“But I mean, you… crush on me? But I’m… I’m nobody?” Jude wasn’t looking for sympathy or anything like that, he just spoke his mind.

“No you’re not Jude, but that’s one of the things I’ve always liked about you. That you’re so clueless about… well yourself.”

“But…” Jude still couldn’t wrap his head around this.

“Just for the record. The crush has passed. I know that probably makes you extreeeemely disappointed.” Chris jokes.

“Umm… ok, that’s good. Because… I like you but you know…”

“Not like that.” Chris finishes his sentence before continuing.

“I know that. That’s why I never told you, or anyone else for that matter.”

“Ok… I won’t tell anyone. I promise.”

Chris shrugs again. “Well that’s up to you, but it’s not something I’m ashamed of.”

“But you’re into Maddie now, so you are…?”

“Bi? Yeah… I guess, don’t know really.”

“Ok… cool. And hey, thanks… For telling me.”

“Anytime… And I meant what I said yesterday, you know, if you want someone to talk to.”

“Yeah… thanks for that too.”

After a moment of silence Chris speaks again, with a smirk on his face.

“So… Connor huh?”

“Bye Chris…” Jude turns around and starts walking to class. He can’t help himself from smiling.

Chris laughs.

“See ya at lunch.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The rest of the school day goes on without any major incidents. The only thing out of the ordinary is that Jude can’t wait for it to be over. Adam is picking him up after dinner and then he’s going to hang out with Connor at his house.

He’s checked with Phil and he’s allowed to be out until 9.30. He’s told Adam and Connor he needs to be home at 9. Jude’s not taking any chances.

Before dinner Jude makes sure everything is perfect for when Adam was picking him up. He made sure every strand of his hair is laying exactly where it’s supposed to. He’s wearing his green sweater that Connor once complimented him on. He puts on perfume before stopping himself while looking in the mirror.

_Come on Jude this isn’t a date. Keep it together, be cool…_

Dinner with Phil is as always a real pleasure. They sit without saying a word until Phil just gets up and leaves the table leaving Jude to clean up. Jude doesn’t mind, Phil leaving is always a positive thing if you ask Jude.

When Adam pulls up and honk the horn Jude double-checks with Phil that his curfew is 9.30. Not taking any chances.

“Hi Jude, nice to see you.” Adam greets Jude as he gets in the car.

Adam can’t help but smile when he smells the perfume on Jude.

“Hi Adam, nice to see you too. Thanks again for giving me a ride.”

“My pleasure, the least I can do considering how much you’ve helped Connor.”

Adam and Jude continues to talk for the entire ride over to the Stevens’s. Jude feels so at ease around Adam who’s making an effort in making sure that Jude is feeling comfortable.

Adam can’t help but smile thinking about the extensive instructions Connor has given him about tonight.

Connor had turned down Adam’s offer to try and figure out if Jude was into boys or not. Connor hadn’t been vague regarding that this wasn’t something Connor wanted.

Under no circumstances is he allowed into Connor’s room if he and Jude is up there. He’s not allowed to talk about something Connor’s done in the past. He’s not allowed to make jokes. Connor had promised his father that he would run away from home if he started singing again.

Preferable Adam shouldn’t talk at all. When Connor had thought about it Adam shouldn’t even be in the house.

Seeing how nervous Connor was about tonight, Adam had planned not to try and embarrass his son. Just this once he was almost going to oblige.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Adam pulled up in front of a quite small but beautiful house. Jude noticed the flower arrangements and that everything was in perfect order. It seemed… nice.

Adam opened the door and Jude followed. The interior was even nicer, all the furniture and details stood out to Jude. Whoever was responsible for it had good taste if you asked Jude.

“Connor! Jude’s here!” Adam shouts seemingly up the stairs where Jude figures that Connor is. After a few moments he hears steps from upstairs and Connor comes down.

Connor comes down the stairs and Jude… Jude can’t help it. It doesn’t seem to matter how many times Jude’s seen Connor because he’s always taken by surprise just how perfect he thinks Connor is.

Connor was wearing those dark grey skinny jeans and a black short-sleeved button-up shirt. His hair was done to perfection. Jude had to literally shake his head not to get completely lost just by looking at him.

“Hey, welcome!” Connor greets him.

“Hey, thanks. Nice house.” Jude says while looking around.

“Thanks yeah. So I’ve got some new video-games I thought we could try out.”

“Yeah sounds good.” Jude followed Connor into a quite large living room that had a computer on a desk in a corner. When Jude was close to Connor he could smell his perfume, Jude found himself closing his eyes and just inhaling. _Get-it-together-now-Jude_.

“Where’s your mom?”

“Oh she’s out with some friends, will be back later.” Connor says while plugging in the Xbox.

Adam comes into the room and says.

“Alright boys I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me.”

“We won’t.” Connor says firmly.

Adam chuckles and leaves the room.

Jude and Connor sits down on the couch and starts playing. It’s a one player-game so they take turns playing. This suits Jude just fine, this way he can lean back when Connor plays and just look at him. Turns out Connor gets into the game’s he’s playing. He talks, groans, reasons with and screams at the tv.

Jude doesn’t find it adorable at all. Not at all. The way that Connor’s huge bicep moves when Connor’s shaking his controller isn’t something that Jude notices. Jude exhales and takes his eyes from Connor, reminding himself to try and not to be so pathetic around Connor.

Jude’s even becoming so delusional that he sometimes even thinks that Connor is stealing glances at him when Jude’s playing. _I’m so screwed…_

The boys take turns playing for about an hour. They don’t talk much but Jude doesn’t mind, just being around Connor is more than enough for him. Connor doesn’t mind either, he wants to ask more about Jude but his nerves have so far gotten the better of him.

Adam is sitting in the kitchen doing some paperwork. He bites his lower lip thinking if it’s time. When he was grocery shopping earlier today he’d come up with something that was just too good to ignore. It was just innocent enough that Connor might not kill him afterwards.

Adam comes into the living room while Jude is playing. Connor is already giving him a look of disapproval just for being there.

“So boys, you want a snack or something?” Adam knows that Connor never turns down a snack, never.

“Yeah sure.” They both reply, Jude still looking at the tv while playing.

“So Jude, do you like bananas?” Adam presses his lips together.

Connor is glaring at him, murder in his eyes.

“Love’em!” Jude says absentminded, still playing and not picking up on the silent conversation between Connor and Adam.

“That’s good to know.” Adam is barely holding back his giggles. He looks over at Connor who looks like he’s going to attack his father any second.

Adam gives Connor two thumbs up and a wide smile.

Connor is not smiling back. Connor is forming silent words to his father, none of them what you would call decent.

_I can’t fucking believe him. I can’t fucking believe him… I’m so going to kill him when Jude leaves._

The more Connor thinks about it, the more furious he gets. Adam has never, ever, bought bananas before. They’ve never had them at home. That means that Adam has planned this. He’s purposely bought bananas just to be able to ask that of Jude. To make a stupid pun.

_He’s so fucking dead…_

“Hey, let’s go upstairs, I’ll show you my room.” Connor says, wanting to get as far away as possible from his soon-to-be-dead-father.

Jude follows Connor up the stairs to his room. He actually makes an effort not to stare at Connor’s ass, ever since he saw it in the flesh it’s becoming increasingly difficult.

When they get into Connor’s room Connor closes the door. Jude doesn’t mind.

Connor’s room is very different from his own. The walls are covered with posters of different athletes and sport teams. Connor seems to especially like a team called “FC Barcelona”. He’s got a small desk with a laptop on it, some bookshelves, a quite large bed and a trophy case.

Jude walks up to the glass cabinet. Looks like Connor’s won pretty much anything Soccer-related. The biggest one says “Connor Stevens - Most Valuable Player - Arizona State – 2014”.

“Whoa… you’ll need a bigger cabinet soon.” Jude says while admiring Connor’s trophies.

Connor chuckles “Yeah I know. Mom’s been bugging me about it too. I’ve actually got more but they’re in the garage.”

Connor sits down on his bed cross-legged position. Jude takes a minute to look around Connor’s room before joining him sitting opposite of him, knees not touching but not far from it.

“Big bed.” Jude says, trying not to smile.

Connor blushes before saying.

“Shut up…”

Jude smiles at Connor.

Connor can’t take his eyes of Jude when he smiles, it’s impossible for him. That impeccable chocolate brown hair and those perfect innocent looking doe eyes. That porcelain-like skin and his prominent eyebrows that…

It’s about this time that Connor realizes that Jude is looking at him and he thinks he even said something but Connor has of course no idea what it was.

“Hmm…. What?”

”I was just saying thank you for having me over.” Jude replies.

“Oh… no problem. I like hanging out with you.”

“Yeah… me too.”

They sit in silence for a while before Connor gathers some courage.

“Hey listen… I… I don’t know if you want to talk about this but… I just want to say, sorry.”

“For what?”

“For not… you know, thinking about… stuff. Making you upset.”

Jude looks down and starts fiddling with his hands.

“It’s not your fault. You shouldn’t have to think about… stuff. It’s me and the…”

“Issues?” Connor fills in. Jude nods.

“You know I want to understand. And I hope you know you can trust me.”

“I do…” Jude says with a small voice.

“You do?”

Jude nods. He does.

”Ok, good…”

Neither of them knows what to say so the room once again goes silent. Jude finally asks.

“How did you know… about you know, touching? Was it Lena?”

“Yeah… Lena told me you didn’t like being touched.”

Jude still looks down at his lap. He’s never really talked about _it_ before, not even with Hannah.

“At the lake…” Connor starts but he doesn’t finish his sentence. He’s so nervous he can feel his hands sweating.

Jude gulps and suddenly he has a hard time breathing, if Connor is going to ask about that he’s probably going to need to focus in order not to freak out.

Neither Jude nor Connor says anything. Connor doesn’t know why this is so difficult. If he could come out to his mother, he sure should be able to at least talk to Jude.

 “You… touched me. At the lake…” Connor finally says, he tries to keep his voice steady but fails.

Jude gulps again and closes his eyes and breathes through his nose.

“I’m sorry.” The shorter of the two finally says, just above a whisper.

“I didn’t mind…” Connor says back, voice almost as small as Jude’s. Both of them are avoiding looking at each other.

Jude’s heart is racing and so is Connor’s.

“You got small hands…” Connor says softly, seemingly out of nowhere.

“Yeah… I know.” Jude says back, just as softly, looking down at them where they’re lying in his lap.

“And you got big ones…” Jude continues while looking up from his lap to Connor’s hands.

Connor lays his right hand palm down in the small space on the bed between him and Jude.

Jude lays his right hand next to Connor’s.

Both of them smile while looking down at their hands, Jude’s hand considerably smaller than Connor’s.

Neither of them are breathing normally. Just like that, Jude can feel this thing with Connor creeping up on him. _Shit…_ The thing when he loses track of space and time. They are still just looking down on their hands, the smiles from before long gone.

Connor only wish that Jude can’t hear his heart beating out of his chest. Seeing Jude’s hand lying there, so close to his… it’s almost too much for Connor. Connor lifts his hand and pulls it back. Jude almost winces due to the loss of the proximity.

Connor pulls back his hand but instead of lying it in his lap he puts it down in front of Jude’s hand so that their fingers are a few inches apart, their middle fingers naturally the closest ones.

An observer would see that Connor takes shallow breaths. Connor has no idea of anything.

Jude could possibly pass out soon, he’s probably forgot to breath all-together.

They are still looking down at their hands when Connor’s hand start to move closer to Jude’s. Connor’s hand is moving on its own, he’s sure. His brain is certainly not telling him to move it so it must be moving on its own.

Connor stops moving his hand when his middle finger is about an inch away from Jude’s. He looks up at Jude. Jude is still looking down on their hands, barely breathing.

After a moment, Jude lifts his head and meets Connor’s eyes. Jude only needs to look into Connor’s eyes for a second before his lower lip starts to tremble. He looks at Connor and Connor… Connor looks scared.

Jude breaks their eye-contact and once again looks down at the proximity of their hands.

Connor does the same. He forces down a gulp and takes a deep breath.

Connor pushes his hand close to Jude’s. He stops when their fingers are impossibly close. Jude doesn’t pull away.

All that can he heard in Connor’s room are two beating hearts and barely audible breaths.

Connor closes the gap. When his middle finger touches Jude’s he can clearly hear Jude gasp so he stops. Connor waits a moment. When Jude still doesn’t pull away, Connor starts rubbing his fingertip against Jude’s.

There it is again. The electricity. It’s going from his fingertip to his entire body. Connor’s hand and fingers are acting on their own as any brain-functions are switched off. Connor is… falling.

Connor stops rubbing his fingertip against Jude’s and lays down his finger so that they are just touching. They stay like that for a few moments.

The electricity intensifies tenfold when Jude suddenly starts moving his fingertip against Connor’s, carefully caressing it. Connor can’t help but to let out a small gasp.

Jude has to remind himself to take a breath when he feels he’s almost out of oxygen. Jude thinks he’s dreaming. This cannot be happening. It’s so unreal but at the same time nothing has ever felt more real in his entire life.

Connor’s lips parted when Jude started rubbing his fingertip against his. Even if he would want to, he can’t look away from the sight of their fingers moving gently against each other.

Just like at the lake, Connor misses the touch the second that Jude lays down his finger flat on the bed. This was different from the lake though, they could both feel that something between them had... shifted. Both of them are still looking down at their hands and nothing else. They stay like that for a minute, just breathing and if they had looked at each other they would notice that the both of them are trembling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 29: The date" is up Saturday the 27th
> 
> Wanna chat? I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr. 
> 
> I get a lot of anononymous questions regarding hints/spoilers that I simply cannot answer as I have to post it to all my followers to do so. How to solve this problem? Get an account and start following me and of course everything related to Gavin MacIntosh. Satisfaction guaranteed or money back.


	29. The date

Connor glances up at Jude. He sees that Jude is still looking down at their hands. As Connor is about to speak, hopefully something in English but Connor can’t make any promises in the state he’s in, Jude’s alarm on his phone goes off. Because of course it does.

Jude is taken back from the dream world he shares with Connor to the real world. He gasps for air and takes up his phone from his pocket. Jude’s still not looking at Connor. He doesn’t dare to.

“It’s 8.30… I need to get going home so I won’t be late.” Jude is whispering but it doesn’t matter, Connor hears him clearly as the room is completely silent.

“Ok…” Connor responds.

They sit still for a few moments. You could cut through the tension in Connor’s room with a knife if needed.

“So… thanks for, you know… coming over.” Connor can’t find the words he wants to say so he just says something, anything.

Jude takes a moment before replying. “Yeah… thanks for having me…”

Connor is looking up at Jude from time to time but Jude is stubbornly keeping his head down.

Just when Connor is sure he’s going to say something he’d regret, Adam shouts from downstairs.

“Jude, we got to get going!”

This time Connor is more than thankful for Adam’s interruption. So is Jude.

Jude gets up from Connor’s bed and heads for the door. Connor already misses him.

“So… see you at school…” Connor’s voice weak and pathetic if you’re asking him.

Jude doesn’t turn around when replying before leaving Connor’s room. “Yeah… see ya.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Adam makes an effort to get Jude home in time to 9. Adam notices that Jude is much quieter now than he was when he was driving him to their house. Jude seemed deep in thought but Adam didn’t find it his place to pry.

Jude went straight up to his room and laid down on his bed fully clothed. His eyes are wide open as he stare at the ceiling and thinks about what just had happened up in Connor’s room.

 _Am I going crazy?_ _That just didn’t happen, did it? No… I must be losing my mind_.

Connor had… touched him. He pushed his fingers close to Jude’s, asking for permission. When Jude didn’t pull away, Connor’s fingertip had most certainly touched his.

Connor’s finger had been warm. Connor always seems warm to Jude. Like the sun. And like the sun, Jude is extremely afraid of getting to close as he’s sure he’s going to get burned by this… thing. Connor is… Connor and Connor is perfect. Jude’s just Jude and Jude is… not perfect in anyway.

Jude lies awake for many many hours. He finds it hard to fall asleep as his mind finds it impossible to settle down.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor is still sitting in his bed. He has his phone in his hands and he’s started to type a text to Jude only to delete it for over an hour now. Jude had sat there in Connor’s bed… just a few hours ago.

Connor can’t believe what possessed him to touch Jude like that. He hadn’t exactly planned on it, but when Jude sat there being Jude, Connor couldn’t resist. He wanted to touch Jude so badly, he did it in the way he figured Jude would be least uncomfortable with.

The moment when Jude touched his shoulder at the lake had been the best moment of his life. Up until now. When Jude moved the fingertip of his middle finger against Connor’s… that was… Connor exhaled, he was unknowingly holding his breath.

Connor had to know if he was the only one of them that felt this way. He was determined to get to know if he had a shot with Jude Jacob, because he was surely all that he could think about.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The following day, as always Jude walked to school with Hannah, Madison and Jashlob. It was Friday and Madison went on and on about the Halloween-party.

“Jude, have you decided? The question is more if you’re coming voluntarily or if we have to kidnap you.”

Jude had checked and Phil was once again going away so it was possible.

“I think I’ll come by but I won’t stay the whole night. I think I leave when you guys are too drunk to notice.” He says jokingly but he’s really not joking.

“Oh thank you Jude, it’s not the same if the whole gang isn’t there!” Madison seems genuinely happy over that Jude’s decided to come. It made him feel good, to feel wanted.

“So what are you all planning for costumes?”

“We’re of course going in a cheesy couple costume.” Ashley replies.

“I’m thinking superman as I already got the body for it.” Jude snickers.

For a moment Jude manages not to think about Connor, it’s probably a good thing. Every now and then Jude gets that lump in his stomach. Everything regarding Connor makes him worried. Ok very far from everything, but he does worry. Jude has a hard time shaking off the feeling that this will not end well for him, because how could it? He... and Connor? He snorts at himself for even thinking about it... _pathetic._  

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Anchor beach, second period English. 

_It would be so easy too._

_We could be just strolling on the pier, I’ll tell him there’s a dolphin or something out there and when he stands by the railing – poof! One push and he’s gone. Gone forever and I won’t ever have to come home and find my fucking FROYO GONE!_

_He doesn’t even like it._

_He just eats it because he knows it mine. I’ll really be doing the world a favor. I could put a pillow over his face one night, it would be so easy… One less asshole to worry about…_

Madison is deep in thought thinking about how much she loves her little brother and what to get him for Christmas. Connor enters the classroom and her attention goes to him instead. Madison had decided that today was going to be the day. Today she’d ask Connor to be her date to the Halloween-party.

She wasn’t taking any chances. She was even going to play the _you-owe-me-one_ card. Madison didn’t think she was being desperate. She was just being… goal-oriented. Yeah, goal-oriented.

Connor always looks good. This was a known fact to Madison. This morning however, she kind of thinks he looks a bit tired. _Still hot though. Still sickly, illegally hot…_

Connor sees Madison and goes up to her desk.

“Hey, can I sit here?” He asks her.

“Yeah, of course, I mean whatever.” _You’re doing great Maddie._

”How are you?” Connor asks while sitting down at the desk next to Madisons.

“Yeah you know, just… chillin’.” _You’re a star Maddie, a fucking rock-star, keep it up._

Connor can’t help to think that wasn’t really an answer to his question but he lets it slide before saying.

“So you’ve done the assignments for today? I almost forgot so I kind of did it this morning.”

“Shit! Was that today?! Oh I totally forgot.” And just like that Madison loses her cool, looking terrified.  _You’re hopeless Maddie… not born to be cool. Simple as that._

Connor snickers. ”It’s alright. You can copy mine if you want. It’s probably not that good but better than not handing in anything right?”

“You are a saint!” Madison instantly starts copying Connor’s paper.

After class is over Madison and Connor walks towards their next classes. Madison finally gathers her courage.

“So… there’s this thing.”

”Thing?” Hardly surprising, Connor needed further explanation to understand what Madison was getting at.

“Yeah, I’m kind of throwing a Halloween-party next Saturday. Or Hannah is. Or, it’s at Hannah’s house but I’m like the organizer.”

“Umm… ok, cool. Her parents away or something?”

“Yeah of course, wouldn’t be a party if they were there exactly.” Madison laughs nervously as she’s getting closer to the reason of this conversation.

“So… I was thinking…”

“Yeah?” Connor hadn’t catched on yet.

“I don’t know, if you don’t have any plans, you are more than welcome to come…”

“Umm…” Connor didn’t have any plans that he knew of.

“Is Jude going to be there?”

“Eh… yeah, I think so. Yeah he said this morning he’d be there.” Madison was caught off guard as she wasn’t expecting that question.

“Ok, cool…” Connor thought about it. There really was no denying it, if Jude was there he wanted to be there.

“Yeah I was thinking maybe you wanted to go there… with me.” Madison can’t believe it but she actually blushed. Full on red-tomato-face blushed.

“Oh…” Now, Connor was catching on…

“Yeah…”

“Remember you owe me a favor.” Madison already resorted to that, bringing out the big guns when she began to panic.

Connor laughs slightly, he should have seen this coming. Even though he pretended like he’d forgot about Beltgate’15 he hadn’t.

“Yeah I’ll go with you. But only as a friend. Ok?”

Madison nods furiously, welcoming anything but a no with open arms.

“Yeah of course! Wow… great. Looking forward to it.” Madison smiles at Connor. _Oh my god he said yes!_

Connor smiles back. “Yeah, it’ll be fun.” _Can’t wait to hang out with Jude._

“So what are we wearing?” Madison asks.

“We? We have to match?” Connor had never really dressed up for Halloween before.

“Yeah of course silly.”

“Umm… I can dress like a soccer player.” Connor grins at Madison.

“Ha-ha, nice try. I’ll think of something… fair warning Stevens, it might be slutty.”

Connor laughs. “Ok ok… but I have veto right if it’s too crazy.”

“Fair enough. Ok this is my class, can I get your number so we can keep in touch?”

“Sure, here, type yours in.” Connor says and hands Madison his phone.

From the other side of the corridor, Chris observes the two of them.

_That can’t be good…_

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Hannah felt it, walking towards the cafeteria. She didn’t know what it was but it was something. Something was going to happen and it was not good.

Madison was feeling excited. In her head the ‘ _But as a friend_ ’ part that Connor had emphasized on didn’t even matter. The brain has a way of doing that sometimes. She couldn’t wait for the next weekend and Halloween.

Jude had a lump in his stomach while going to lunch. He’s had it before but this time it felt a bit different. The turmoil from yesterday and Connor’s room still made his head dizzy. He couldn’t wait for the weekend to get a chance to sort through his head, it was much needed.

Hannah and Jude were the first to sit down at their table and did so side-by-side as usual.

“Hey, you ok? You seem to be even more distracted than usual this morning.”

“I’m ok, I just got a lot on my mind… school stuff you know.” Jude replied.

_Yeah sure, school stuff…_

Hannah saw Connor with Darla and Maria sitting down a few tables over. She glanced over at Jude and sure enough, his eyes were following Connor and his lips turned upwards for the first time today.

Hannah gulped. Thing is, Hannah knew about Phil’s opinions. Saying that Hannah was worried about Jude was not even close to describe how she was feeling. She… feared for Jude. But she couldn’t say anything, Jude wasn’t exactly opening up to her.

Chris joined them together with Ashley and Jacob. It seemed that Ashley and Jacob weren’t really agreeing on their outfit. Everyone knew that Ashley would get her way but somehow the discussion had to take place anyway.

Hannah saw that Madison entered the cafeteria. She saw that Madison was almost smiling from ear to ear. Normally seeing your friends happy should sort of make you happy right? Well, Hannah didn’t get that good feeling seeing Madison like that, call her a terrible friend if you like.

Madison came up to the table and with the way she was beaming she got everyone’s attention.

“Hey Maddie what’s up, you look pleased?” Ashley said.

“Okay guys, are you ready for this?” Madison exhaled, still smiling with her whole face.

Jude looked at her and smiled seeing her happy. “Tell us Maddie.” He said.

“I got a date for Halloween.” Madison was doing that thing when she clapped her hands to herself.

Hannah’s face fell.

“Oooh who’s the lucky guy?” Jacob asked.

“Gah I can’t even believe this is happening!” Madison sounded almost ecstatic to share the news before she continued.

“I asked Connor. And he said yes!”

 _No no no no no_. Went through Jude’s head.

He became light-headed.

His eyes started to flicker all around the cafeteria, unable to focus on a single spot.

He wanted to throw up.

His hands that rested on his lap began to shake.

_No no no no no it’s happening again._

Jude was having a panic attack.

Just as he was about to completely black out he felt his hand being embraced under the table.

He looked to his right, Hannah wasn’t looking at him, she was faking a smile while looking at Madison. Hannah had a firm grip of his hand. Her thumb rubbed over his hand as she’d done once before when he was about to break down. She strokes it in a soothing matter and Jude temporarily regained control of his body.

He could barely register the other’s congratulating Madison, their voiced seemed distant. If he’d noticed, Chris was doing his very best to draw the attention away from Jude.

Hannah leans in and whispers to him.

“Go to the bathrooms next to the gym. I’ll come up with something. Just go.”

Jude doesn’t need to be told twice. He gets up without saying a word and leaves the cafeteria, still in shock but at least saved from public humiliation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 30: Bathroom confessions" is up Monday the 29th
> 
> You know the drill -> tumblr.com/blog/awesomemarrcusuniverse


	30. Bathroom confessions

Jude is making his way through the corridors. Hannah told him to go to the bathroom next to the gym and he knows why. No one will hear him there.

The hallways are almost empty so one really pays attention to the fact that Jude’s eyes are red from the tears his sweater tries to soak up. 

He thinks someone looks at him a little more closely but as it wasn’t anyone he knew he didn't really care at all.

Just as he expected the corridor leading to the gym bathrooms is desolate. He’s almost running when he reaches the bathrooms marked “Boys”. He locks himself into the handicap toilet and turns on the faucet all the way, trying to drown out as much sounds as possible. He collapses in the corner on the floor and starts hyper-ventilating.

He finds himself crying within a few moments, he keeps repeating to himself how stupid and pathetic he is. Pathetic for thinking that Connor was something other than straight. Of course he was... Jude never had a chance, at all. 

After just sitting there sulking for a while, he hears a knock on the door.

“Jude…” It’s Hannah.

Jude close his eyes and focus on breathing.

Another knock.

“Jude… open up.”

“No… please leave…” Jude was out of energy. He wasn't angry, he was just... empty.

“No I won’t. Either we talk in there or I’ll talk from here.” Hannah can’t exactly whisper as the running sink drown out most sounds.

“Jude I know… about Connor.”

Jude put his hand over his face, sniffles and his eyes feels like they are burning. He feels like it’s all falling apart for him. Not an unknown feeling for him, but an unpleasant one nonetheless. He's tried so hard not showing others who he really is, because who would want to be near him then? It's bad enough as it is. And now, now it's all falling apart.

He has enough self-preservation to understand he can’t have Hannah talking about Connor from out there, someone can hear.

He doesn’t really feel his legs but he figures he got up, unlocked the door and walked back to his corner before crashing down again.

Hannah gets in, closes the door and locks if after her. She has that look on her face that Jude hates, pity.

Jude hides his face in both of his hands while his elbows rests on his knees. He can hear that Hannah sits down beside him.

They sit there for a while, Jude’s sniffles and the pouring water from the sink the only sounds made.

“Hey… Jude. It will be okay…” Jude finally looks over at Hannah, she looks like she’s about to cry.

“No… it won’t.”

Hannah doesn’t quite know what to say so she gives Jude a moment. Suddenly he talks again.

“GAH I don’t even know why I’m like this!”

“What do you mean?” Hannah is not following Jude.

“I didn’t even know…”

Hannah takes a moment before replying.

“That… you liked him that much?”

Jude nods while tears keep forming in his eyes, he keeps them shut.

They both keep quiet while Jude tries to control his breathing.

“I can’t believe I was so stupid…” Jude says, seemingly to himself.

Hannah let Jude talk.

“You know I actually had some hope that he liked me? Can you believe that?” Jude snorts while shaking his head.

“Him. Liking me. Pathetic.” He fills in.

Hannah has a million things she wants to say and ask of Jude but she can’t find the words.

“How long… have you known?” Jude opened his eyes and looked at Hannah through the tears still forming in his eyes.

“I… noticed it a long time ago. You remember when you went running for the first time?”

Jude nodded through his sobs.

“After the practice… Connor called you genius. You didn’t correct him, you smiled. I… noticed.”

“Hannah… that was the first week of school… Saturday.”

Hannah tries to remember.

“Yeah… you’re probably right. After that there bits and pieces all the time. But I wasn’t completely sure until I saw your face walking up the bleachers after you’ve talked to him. It was a few weeks ago.”

“You knew before I knew…”

“I don’t think so Jude. There’s this little thing called denial when it comes to… feelings.” Hannah went with the more neutral word.

Jude nodded. Of course, she was right. He _had_ known for quite a while what he felt about Connor.

“You’re right… But I didn’t know I felt… like this.”

“That you felt… so much?” Hannah tried to help him out.

Jude nodded, he wasn’t crying loudly anymore, he just had tears forming now and then. The sleeves of his sweater completely soaked.

“You know I’ve tried to get you to talk to me about this… I didn’t want you to be alone with it.”

“Thanks… it’s just… it’s so hard.”

“I know… I know.” Hannah was sniffling too, she dried her cheek from a single tear running down it.

“Thanks…” Jude says.

“For what?”

“For saving me… In there…”

“Oh… yeah. I’m just glad it worked, I took a chance that it would help you snap out of _it_ even though it could have made it worse.”

“It worked… You know me.” Jude smiled slightly for the first time since Hannah was let into the bathroom.

As they sat there, Jude’s phone buzzed. He probably shouldn’t, but he picked it up. It was from Connor, seeing his name made Jude's chest ache.

“It’s from him…” Seemed like talking made the pain in his chest even more severe.

“What does he say?”

Jude swallows down hard before opening the text and reading it out loud.

“Hey J! Looks like we’re going 2 the same party next saturday, cant w8!” Jude reads out loud.

“Does he… does he know, how you feel?” Hannah had to know, if Connor was being cruel to Jude she would make him regret it.

Jude shakes his head. “No… he doesn't know. He would never hurt me on purpose.”

Before Hannah can respond Jude speaks again.

“He’s perfect…”

_Fuck he’s got it bad…_

“Well I’m obviously not going now.” Jude almost laughs between his sobs.

“Probably not a good idea, no…”

When Jude looked like he was somewhat in one piece Hannah asked him.

“You said you’ve had… hope? Has anything happened?”

Jude thought for a while, he didn’t want to share the best moments in his life with anyone else but Connor, but he had to make sense of it all. It was too much to think about everything that’s happened without being able to talk to someone about it.

“Yeah… or at least I thought so. Maybe it was all in my head…” He was still crying but more and more controllable.

Hannah couldn’t stand to see Jude like this, seeing Jude cry always broke her heart.

“Tell me. Maybe you’ll feel better. I’m not even going to tell you one more time that you can trust me.”

Jude smiled at that.

“Well we’ve… looked at each other. And I mean…really _looked_. I don’t know if I imagined it…” Jude had a hard time talking about it, but he wanted to… he needed to finally have someone to talk to about it.

Hannah nodded.

“Okay… looked as in not the way you look at your friend?”

Jude nods before continuing.

“And… we’ve touched. Twice.”

This caught Hannah’s attention, knowing how big a deal it was. She hadn’t counted on that.

“Well I guess we’ve touched three times but the first one was not a good touch… it was a bad one.”

“Tell me about them. And tell it like you remembered it. Don’t exaggerate and don’t you know… make less of it than it was. I’ll give you my honest opinion of it, even if it’s something you don't want to hear.”

 _Fair enough_ thought Jude and he told Hannah about the lake and about the bed in Connor’s room. He couldn’t talk about it without trembling just from the memory but after a few minutes he got through with it.

Hannah listens very carefully at Jude. He never opened up like this even when they were together. She could see that he needed this, that he was about to break from having to keep everything inside.

After thinking over it a while, she speaks.

“I… I think you need to talk to Connor.”

“Hannah…” Not the answer Jude wanted.

“No wait, listen to me. If Connor is so considerate as you say. And he knows how big of a deal touching you is. He… That thing in his room Jude. You don’t do that to someone you want to be friends with.”

Jude’s heart is starting to beat again. _No stop, not this hope thing again, stupid stupid stupid._

“I don’t know… I feel like I want to give up, on everything.”

Hannah looks at him sternly. Unfortunately, over the years the words suicide and Jude had crossed her mind more times than anyone wants to know. The summer after the incident on the beach had been very rough on Hannah.

“No I don’t mean like that. But I mean about Connor. This is not… this is not good for me. You know? I'm a mess.”

“I meant what I said Jude. Talk to Connor. I’m going to talk to Maddie-“

“Hannah!”

“Let me finish. I’m going to find out how this date of theirs became a thing. I’m not going to tell her anything else. Jesus have some faith in me Jude.”

“I really don’t want to know…” Jude was being honest, he really didn’t want to even think about Connor and Madison together in any way.

They sat in silence for a while before Hannah asked Jude.

“So… for the record… are you…?”

Jude gulped. He had never ever said it to himself. Until today he wasn’t even sure. But after seeing his reaction in the cafeteria, he would be lying if he said he didn’t know.

“Yeah… I… I think so.”

Hannah settled for that.

Jude is looking down at his lap again.

“I should have known you know…”

Hannah gave Jude the opportunity to continue.

“When I didn’t, you know… fell in love with you. I should have known then. That I was gay.”

_He said it._

_I said it._

Hannah smiled.

Jude looked up at her and smiled as well. Saying it. It felt good.

Hannah checked her phone for the time.

“So classes start in… seven minutes. You want to stay here or do math problems?”

“Math problems, obviously.” Jude replied and smiled once again.

“Hey… thank you. For everything. You’re… you’re really the best.” Tears once again forming in Jude’s eyes but this time not from Connor-caused-pain.

"And you know... don't tell anyone. No one can know, you know what will happen if... someone found out."

"Of course I won't." Hannah did know what could happen if the wrong persons found out. Her days worrying about Jude was far from over, after today that much was clear.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Needless to say, Jude had a hard time concentrating during class. Thankfully he wasn’t asked a direct question and of course he’d already covered what Mrs. Porter was teaching.

He wasn’t looking forward to go home as that would mean he’s alone with his thoughts. He already knew it was going to be a rough evening and night.

As he got out of the classroom and ready to head to the next one he noticed Chris, who seemed to be waiting for him.

“Hey man, you good?”

Jude nodded and the two of them started walking down the hallway.

“Just so you know, the others didn’t notice. You and Hannah did a good job.”

Jude didn’t say anything. Nothing about today seemed good to him.

Chris continued talking when they could talk privately, not only to Jude but he seemed to be talking to himself too.

“Nothing about it makes sense… I could have sworn that Stevens was into you.”

Hearing his name mentioned made Jude flinch and his chest hurt. _Pathetic…_

“Yeah well… I guess you were wrong.” Jude spoke without any enthusiasm in his voice.

For a second Jude snapped out of it, apparently not all parts of his personality was being swept away in sorrow.

“Hey… how are you holding up?” He asked Chris.

Chris smiled at Jude, thanking him for his consideration.

“Yeah I don’t know… I mean I already knew she liked him so, I’ll be ok. Still hurt hearing it though.”

“Tell me about it…” Jude replied.

They walked in silence for a few moments before Chris spoke again.

“So, both of our crushes are going together huh…”

“Yupp… sure seems like it.” Jude was back to moping.

Chris took a while before speaking, this time with confidence.

“You know what, this is bullshit. He’s into you and I know it.”

Before Jude could reply, Chris was at it again, mischief in his voice.

“What do you say Jude, want to make him jealous?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 31: Just friends...?" is up Tuesday the 1st of March 
> 
> As this chapter was such a short one I'll post the next chapter tomorrow instead of Wednesday.
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr, add/msg me to discuss Waterloo or whatever.


	31. Just friends...?

As Jude was walking home from one of the worst days of school in a long time, his phone buzzed. At first he didn’t bother. It seemed to be too much of an effort just to pick up his phone from his jeans. After one minute, the incoming text reminder made it buzz again so he picked it up.

“Hi J! U r going 2 the party right?”

Jude gulped and exhaled. He came to the conclusion that ignoring Connor would only make it ever so obvious that he was jealous. 

_Jealous… how did it come to this...?_

“Hi C! I haven’t decided. Maybe.”

“Ok… Maddie told me u were going.”

Jude almost got angry just seeing her name. Good thing was that Jude, sometimes, had the ability to think rational. It only took him a minute or two to remind himself that none of this was really Maddies fault. It was his own and no one else’s. He'd been stupid.

“Ok. Congratulations btw.” Jude’s stomach hurt typing that text but Jude figured it was the right thing to do. He dried his eyes as tears had been started to appear once again.

“? What do u mean?” Connor texted back.

Jude thought for a while before replying.

“I heard you were going as Madison’s date. So, congratulations.” Jude didn’t see how dry his congratulations probably sounded before it was too late.

Jude now once again had tears running down his cheeks, his stomach was clenching and his chest hurt… a lot.

Jude saw that Connor started typing in a reply the second that Jude’s text was delivered. As he was expecting a text from Connor, Jude got startled when his phone started ringing. To his confusion, it was Connor who was calling him.

He really didn’t want to talk to Connor right now but as Connor knew he was by his phone, he had no choice. He took a deep breath before answering.

“Hey Con-.”

“We’re going as friends!” Connor spat out the moment he heard Jude’s voice.

“What…?” Jude didn’t quite catch that. He needed to hear it again.

“She asked me. I said yes but only as a friend. Nothing else.” Connor almost sounded upset.

“You’re breaking up on me, can you repeat that?” Jude had stopped dead in his track. He tried his very best not to let Connor hear he was smiling wider than he’s ever done in his life.

“Oh, I SAID WE’RE GOING AS FRIENDS NOTHING ELSE.” Jude almost laughed at the dork on the other side who raised his voice so Jude could hear him through the ‘bad reception’.

“Oh ok… It didn’t sound like that when Maddie told us.” Jude really really tried to sound neutral, it was so hard when all he wanted to do was laugh. That feeling when anxiety leaves his body, it’s probably Jude’s favorite feeling the world.

“Well it’s true. I don’t like her, like that.” Connor said matter-of-factly.

_Thank you, god._

“Ok… Thanks for telling me…”

The boys went silent for a while before Connor spoke again.

“Hey you want to hang out tomorrow? I kind of need to buy some clothes and stuff I mean… if you want to, it’s cool if you don’t but I just thought maybe you don’t have any plans and you could help me out as I don’t really know where to go but if you have plans I don’t th-“

“I would love to.” Jude said warmly, anyone could hear he was smiling. Even a rambling Connor, who no doubt would have gone for the world record for the longest spoken sentence if Jude hadn't interrupted him.”

They stayed like that for a while. No one was talking, but both of them was smiling.

“So… we can pick you up tomorrow and we’ll go to that mall by the stadium?” Connor asked.

“Yeah, sounds good. After lunch?”

“We’ll be there. See ya Jude.”

“Yeah… see ya Connor.”

For some reason Jude stayed on the phone even after saying goodbye to Connor. Jude bit his lip when he realized Connor wasn’t hanging up either. After listening to each other’s breaths, still smiling on their respective ends, Connor finally says.

“Bye…” Connor hangs up after lingering for a few more moments.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude was eagerly awaiting Adam and Connor who were going to pick him up in a few minutes. Jude had called Hannah the night before. Never had she heard him like that. He was talking non-stop. Of course it was mostly about Connor and how fantastic he was.

Hannah didn’t mind. Far from it. It was one of the best phone calls she’s ever had. There was not one person in this world that she wished to be happy more than Jude. When Jude used the word ‘perfect’ to describe something about Connor for the 57th time, Hannah just laughed at him.

“Ok ok he’s perfect I got it… Hey Jude…”

“Yeah?”

“You… you got it bad for him, don’t you?”

Jude took a moment, not that he was unsure but it was one thing to say it in your head and another one to say it out loud.

“Yeah… yeah I do.”

 

Suddenly Adam honked the horn from outside, interrupting him from the memory of last night.

Jude waste no time and practically runs out of the house and gets into the car, not bothering to say goodbye to Phil.

Phil is standing in the kitchen, observing the car driving away. A smile appears on his lips.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Adam drops the boys off at the mall. He tells them to phone him when they’re done so he can pick them up as they had planned to hang out at the Stevens’s when they were done at the mall.

“So hey what do you need?” Jude says as they enter the shopping complex.

“Umm… just about everything. Shoes, shirts, pants and if they have it something for Halloween.”

“Ok, what do you have in mind?”

Connor chuckles. “The only thing Maddie said was ‘something slutty’ but I don’t know.”

Jude laughs, classic Madison. “Hmmm I should also start looking for a costume. I mean it’s only a week away. Needless to say something not-so-slutty.”

“I don’t know Jude. I can totally see you rocking a playboy bunny-outfit.” Connor says jokingly, even if he’s not lying.

“Shut up…” Jude blushes. He shouldn’t, but he does.

“So, let’s start with shirts, where to?” Connor asks Jude as they are going up the escalator to the second floor.

“Hmm wait a minute, I’m trying to remember where the plaid-shop is…” Jude fakes looking deep in thought.

“Ha-ha very funny. I don’t wear plaid _that_ much.”

“Yes. You really do, but I would too if I look…” Jude trailed off, avoiding a semi-disaster at the last moment.

Jude helps Connor pick out a few shirts. Somehow Jude always recommends the smaller size when Connor has a hard time deciding. Funny that.

When Connor comes out of the fitting room for the third time Jude realizes he’s probably the worst person in the world to give advice to Connor on these matters. It doesn’t seem to make a difference what Connor wears, when he asks him if it looks good Jude is always honest.

“It looks perfect…” If Jude had been a little more attentive he’d noticed that was the third time Connor’s blushed.

“I don’t know. You don’t think it’s a bit tight?”

_No, are you insane?_

“Umm… let me see. Perhaps a bit around your arms but I’m not sure they have clothes that’s not tight around your arms.” Jude wasn’t even thinking about what he said anymore, it seemed pointless.

Connor laughed slightly “Yeah I think this one will rip if I flex.”

 _Try try try try try try_.

“Yeah… probably…” Jude had to turn around, it was only so much he could take.

When Connor figures he's filled the shirt quota they walked by a store that from the name seemed to be specializing in jeans. As they walked in, Jude would be lying if he said he wasn’t both excited and a bit scared about it. Ok he was mostly excited.

Connor had plans of his own. He’s thought about it ever since going to the beach with Jude. If he would be successful or not he had no idea, but he was surely going to try.

“Ok so what are we looking at, jeans? Dress pants? Leather shorts?” Jude smirks.

“I need new skinny jeans, they’re my favorite but the only pair I got now is the dark grey one’s, the others have gotten too small.”

Jude gulped. _Of course. Skinny jeans it is._

As they were going through the stacks of jeans, Connor asked Jude.

“Hey Jude, can you do me a favor?”

“Yeah sure, anything.”

 _Got him._ Connor thought before picking up a pair of jeans he’d spotted earlier.

“Here, try these on.”

Jude’s eyes widened. “Umm… No, I don’t think so.” He laughed nervously.

“I know you only wear like baggy jeans but can’t you just try these?”

“I don’t know…”

“Please… for me?” Connor pouted and used the puppy eyes look to perfection.

_Asshole…_

Jude still hesitated. “I don’t know…”

“You said anything, please?”

“You are not playing nice… Ok I’ll try.” Jude caved in. Like he had some kind of chance to resist a begging Connor.

As they went to the dressing room Jude examined the jeans more closely. “Super skinny fit. Really Connor?”

“Just try them.”

“You know I’m skinny enough as it is. I don’t… I won’t look good in them.” There really _was_ a reason Jude didn’t wear tight clothes.

“I’ll be the only one seeing, ok?”

_Well I want to look good for you but I can’t tell you that now can I…_

As they went into the fitting rooms next to each other, Jude complained about the fit.

“Connor these are too tight, I can barely close them.”

 _  
Perfect._ Connor almost said it out loud.

“They’re supposed to be tight, come on now.” Connor said while getting into a pair Jude had found before walking out of his fitting room.

“You ok in there?” Connor asked.

“Are you sure these are you know, men’s size?” Jude didn’t sound too sure in there.

Connor was sure they weren’t.

“Yeah of course, come on let’s see.”

 Jude opened up the curtain, he looked nervous as he carefully stepped out.

Connor’s intuition had been right. He absolutely loved the way Jude looked in them. He opened his mouth a few moments before speaking.

“You look great…” Connor couldn’t stop looking at Jude’s figure, loving every inch of his skinny form. Luckily for Jude, Connor didn’t look above his waist as his cheeks that had turned pink. Jude could tell that Connor wasn’t just being nice. It made Jude feel… good.

“Thanks… but I don’t know. I feel almost naked.”

Connor almost didn’t dare to ask it. But he had to. But… it could be bad. He forced down a gulp.

“Tu-turn around, let's see the back.”

Jude hesitated, but saying no to Connor was a trait he hadn’t yet learned. Probably should start working on that Jude.

When Jude turned around, Connor thought for himself that now, his life was complete. Seeing Jude’s ass in those jeans in this shop in this mall on this day… Yeah, today had been a good day.

Once again Connor was almost floored how Jude could be so skinny and still has an ass like that. Connor was staring, plain and simple. It was… bad.

“So what do you think?” Jude asked him, still with his back turned.

No sorry, Connor wasn’t taking any calls right at this minute.

“Connor? They are too tight right? I could barely fit my ass in them.”

….

Nothing.

Jude turned back, Connor hated him for it. Not really. But almost.

“Connor?”

“Umm… yes?”

“Zoned out?”

“Umm… yes. Zoned out.”

“So, too tight right?” Jude tried, once again.

“No! No… they looked perfect.” Connor reminded himself to close his mouth, perhaps he’d look less stupid.

Jude looked over at Connor and the pair he’d tried on. The front looked… strained.

“Oh…” Jude said, without thinking, of course.

Connor looked down, not that he really needed to. The second he saw what Jude saw, he turned around and marched back into his fitting room.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor was banging his head towards the wall in his fitting room. He almost felt like crying, being so tired of embarrassing himself in front of Jude. It wasn’t fair, he thought.

“Connor, you in there?” He was brought back from self-harming his forehead.

“Yeah, yeah I’ll be out in a minute.”

Connor got out of the dressing room and walked up to Jude.

“Oh there you are. The jeans took forever to get off. They should come with a personal assistant or something.” Jude snickers at Connor.

Sweet, perfect Jude. Connor is amazed how everything one minute can be absolutely chaotic when he’s around Jude and the next minute everything is exactly as it should be.

When Connor didn’t say anything Jude continued.

“So are you gonna buy those? They looked a bit… tight.” Jude blushed from the recent memory.

“Nah I’ll get another size, that was too tight.” Connor didn’t blush, he just never wanted to talk or think about it again.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

They were just about finished with shopping everything Connor needed to update his wardrobe. Connor was getting nervous. He’d been postponing this all day which of course only had made things worse. If he’d asked Jude right away, perhaps it wouldn’t have been awkward at all.

“Ok so we got everything we need right, call your dad?” Jude asked with a shopping bag in each hand holding mostly Connor’s stuff.

“Umm… yeah. I was thinking…” _Stop. You’re making it awkward. It doesn’t have to be, at all. You’re friends. Friends do these things._

“What?” Jude was clueless.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Earlier, at the Stevens residence

“You look fine son.”

“I look like SHIT!”

Connor was running between his room, his mirror and the bathroom. Clothes were flying in every direction.

Adam was standing in Connor's room just shaking his head and chuckling at his mess of a son.

“Why don’t I have ANY clothes?! I can’t look like this seeing Jude.”

“Isn’t that why you’re going in the first place, to buy… clothes?”

“Looking like this?!” Connor looked at his father like he was the most stupid person alive.

Connor looked like he always did if you asked Adam. Adam took a few steps forward and put his hands on his son’s shoulders and looked him in the eyes.

“Relax… breath. You look fine. In fact, you look handsome. I promise.”

Adam’s promise made Connor relax some.

“Why are you like this, aren’t you just going shopping? It almost seems like…”

Adam stopped himself. He opens his mouth without speaking. Looking at Connor with disbelief. He takes a minute.

“Son… is this a date?”

“No!”

“Son…? You know that I will never forgive you if I’m not told about your first date.”

“I’ve had dates with Melissa.”

Adam dismisses him. “Don’t try with me. That doesn’t count, you’re gay.”

Connor smiles at his father.

“No it’s not a date… but I… I’m thinking of taking him to the movies when we’re done.”

Adam’s face lights up like the fourth of July, turning him into a teenager once again.

“Yes. Excellent idea. It’s decided.”

“I don’t know… maybe it’ll get weird.”

“No no a movie is perfect. You can sit in the back… in the dark… you work the Stevens magic and we got him.”

Connor laughs at the most certainly weirdest father in the world.

“God you’re embarrassing you know that? And no it won’t be like that… Jude’s not like that.”

“I know son. You need to take it slow with him. But I really think you should take him to a movie, it’s a good start.”

“Good start of what?”

Adam hesitates before smiling again. “Well you can’t use empty toilet paper rolls forever now can you?”

And with that the conversation was over, Connor was not having it and left the room. Adam shouts after him.

“Come on son that was funny and you know it!” Adam was pleased.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Back at the mall

“I was thinking maybe-we-could-see-a-movie?” Connor was a stressed out mess. He’d worked himself up to the extent that his bottom lip was almost shaking just by asking Jude.

“Hmm…?” Jude was confused, the plan was to go back to Connor’s house when they were done, this is the first he’s heard about seeing a movie.

Connor bit his lip, afraid of being turned down by Jude, he looked down and said with a small voice.

“I mean… if you want to. We can do something else…”

“No, I mean, sure. I just need to see if I got enough money with me.”

“No! It’s my treat. I forgot to say that. Probably should have said that.”

Jude smiled. Seeing Connor being obviously nervous made him warm all over. Somehow it made him feel good to know that he wasn’t the only one that was nervous when they were together.

_He’s perfect…_

“Really? I mean you don’t have to.”

“I want to.” Connor said, perhaps a little too quickly.

“Ok…” Jude was blushing. He could help but wondering if this is how friends always behave around each other.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude probably laughed more than anyone else in the entire theater. Connor noticed that a few even turned around to see the source of the joy fest being expressed by Jude. Connor didn’t mind. Hearing Jude laugh like that made him laugh. It was still the most beautiful thing he’s heard in his life.

Jude’s arm and hand rested on the armchair between them. Connor was so tempted to put his arm next to Jude’s. Holding Jude’s hand was something his whole body just screamed after. He had to shake it off before he would give in to the utter stupidity.

Once again, Jude was laughing and Connor looked over at him and Connor… Connor liked Jude. A lot.

Walking out of the theater they discussed their favorite parts, Jude was getting really excited reliving some of the scenes. Looking at Jude, Connor’s body and mind started to tell him clearer and clearer not to fight this anymore. It was pointless and Connor… Connor began to accept that.

He decided there and then that he was going to do it. When they got back to his house. Connor planned on finding out if he had a chance with Jude Jacob. If he had the guts. No, he was definitely going to do it. Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 32: More than friends" is up Thursday the 3rd
> 
> If you want to discuss Waterloo or whatever, I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse at tumblr. It's mostly about Gavin. Ok, it's all about Gavin.


	32. More than friends

Adam had been running errands for a few hours before picking up and driving Jude and Connor back to the Stevens’s from the mall.

The boys were discussing the movie they saw, Adam just listened to them. There was something in the way that Connor talked to Jude that made Adam nostalgic. It reminded him of when he met Connor's mother.

Adam was glad that Connor had gathered the courage to ask Jude. Adam thought that Connor should find out if his feelings were one-sided or not. If Jude didn’t feel the same, Connor had to know as soon as possible. If Jude did feel the same, Adam knew that Connor wanted to know just as soon. Adam always being a romantic fool, there was no secret which outcome he so badly wanted for his son.

After only a few minutes Adam pulled up to their driveway. 

The second they got inside of the house, Connor and Adam stopped dead in their tracks.

Jude trailed them and took a sniff.

“Oh smells good, you’re baking?” Jude said while he passed the Stevens's and took off his shoes, because you know, it's the civil thing to do.

Connor and Adam looked at each other with wide eyes.

“Did you…?” Connor said while looking at his father.

Adam shook his head. The Stevens’s looked terrified.

Jude frowned and was just about to ask them what the problem was when Mrs. Stevens came out of the kitchen.

“Hello, welcome home!” She was wearing an apron that was almost covered in what Jude assumed to be flour.

“Hi Mrs. Stevens.” Jude said, giving her a shy smile.

“Hi Jude, welcome, come in and try one of my cookies.”

Adam and Connor carefully walked after Jude into the kitchen.

“Honey…?” Adam said.

“Mhm?” Mrs. Stevens said while taking out a tin plate out of the oven.

“Are you… feeling… well?” Adam made no sudden movements.

Connor sat down. Jude had no idea what was wrong with the male Stevens’s. It smelled delicious.

“Yeah why wouldn’t I?” She responded cheerfully while cleaning up the kitchen.

“Umm… no reason.” Adam said back, looking at his son.

Connor leaned over and whispered to his father.

“You don’t think she…?”

“Poison?” Adam whispered back.

“I was thinking she fell or something but yours is better.”

They chuckle softly, both of them finding themselves hilarious.

Connor and Adam both carefully turns their heads and observes Mrs. Stevens that was piling up the newly baked cookies on a platter.

The four of them sat down at the kitchen table. Mrs. Stevens seemed to be in a good mood, Jude had in fact never seen her like this.

“So, how was the mall, did you get everything you needed sweetie?” She said while passing around small plates with her freshly baked cookies on.

“Yupp almost, didn’t get any shoes but didn’t find any that I liked so…”

“That’s good. What do you want to drink, water? Soda? Milk?” She asked around the table before addressing Jude.

“Did you get anything Jude?”

Connor and Adam was observing Mrs. Stevens as she seemed to go to great lengths making Jude comfortable. Connor was still sceptic but the corner of Adam’s lips couldn’t help going upwards.

“Yes I got a pair of jeans. Mmm these tastes sooo good. Thank you Mrs. Stevens.”

“Well thank you Jude. You know I haven’t done this in years.” She responds.

“These really are very good mom.” Connor talked with his mouth full of sugar and flour.

“Thanks sweetie. You were gone quite a while, did you shop the whole day?”

As Connor hadn’t told her about his movie-taking idea, or that he liked Jude for that matter, he hesitated.

“We went to the movies.” Jude said before drinking the soda Mrs. Stevens gave him. Connor took a sip from his water trying to hide his blush when his mother looked at him.

“Oh, so it was like a date?” She says like it’s the most natural thing in the world to say.

Jude coughs when the soda ends up in the wrong pipe. Connor involuntarily imitates him.

When no one says anything for a few moments, Mrs. Stevens looks around the table and when she sees how uncomfortable both Jude and Connor are she speaks again.

“Ooor perhaps not like a date at all…”

She mouths a silent “sorry” to Connor.

Adam helps them out by breaking the uncomfortable silence.

“So Jude which time should I have you back?”

“I’m supposed to be home at 7, but you don’t have to take me I can take the bus.”

“No no I’m driving you, no problem at all.”

Jude smiles at Adam. “Alright… thanks.”

When Jude and Connor are about to leave the table heading up to Connor’s room, his mother has something to say.

“Boys… can you wait a minute. I... have something to say.”

Connor immediately worried about what she was going to say. _And things were going so good…_

“I… I want to apologize to you Jude.” She looks at Jude with a serious expression.

Jude doesn’t feel comfortable having all the attention on him but he responds in a small voice.

“Ok…”

“I… I said some things in the car a few weeks ago. And I need to apologize for it.”

All three of them listened carefully, no one making a sound.

“It was about the vice principal, and about her not being normal. Do you remember?” She says still looking at Jude.

Jude nods. He remembers every word as he’s repeated them in his head numerous times.

“I heard from my son that Mrs. Adams-Foster means a lot to you. And I… well I just want to say I’m sorry. I was being disrespectful and I… I was also being wrong. I know that now.”

Adam is looking at his wife. He knows he’s a softie but he can’t help that tears are starting to build up in his eyes. There she was again, that woman he fell in love with all those years ago. He had missed her more than he knew.

Jude nodded at Mrs. Stevens, he looked down in his lap while fiddling nervously with his hands.

“Thanks… It’s ok.”

Before they went up to Connor’s room Connor stayed behind and hugged his mother.

“Thanks mom… I love you.”

“I love you too sweetie.” She closes her eyes and squeezes him extra hard.

Before letting her go to join Jude upstairs he says. “The cookies were kind of overkill though.”

She laughs. “Go up now to your _none-date_.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor’s smiling when he enters his room. He knew that his mother had made massive progress in a short amount of time but he didn’t expect her to say _that_ to Jude. Connor’s not sure if he’s ever felt proud of his mother before, but now he does.

Connor hands over a can of soda to Jude who’s once again admiring Connor’s trophies.

“Diet coke, right?”

“You know me.” Jude smiles while accepting the can. “Hey, you’ve gotten a bigger trophy case.”

“Yeah I got it with my mom just two days ago. She wouldn’t shut up about it. Now they’re all here in one place.”

Connor sits down on his bed. He hopes that Jude will join him but he just observes Jude that curiously looks closer at Connor’s trophies.

Connor blushes when Jude says. “And you’re telling me I’m marriage material… sign me up as a soccer-wife any day.”

Jude closes his eyes and bites his tongue. He shouldn’t really speak around Connor. At all. He knows that but he keeps forgetting.

Jude sits down on the bed next to Connor. The last time they were here Connor’s finger had caressed his. Jude hade replayed that moment in his head far too many times… far too many.

Connor’s phone buzzes, he picks it up.

“Oh dear god!” He’s laughing hard.

“What is it?” Jude’s curious.

“Oh my god… look at this. Maddie thinks she’s found my Halloween-costume.” Connor is still laughing when he hands his phone over to Jude.

Madison was standing in a shop clearly specializing in selling sex toys and the like. She was posing with some kind of underwear that consisted of chains and nothing else. The mix of the absurd ‘costume’ and Madison’s faked (hopefully) thirsty appearance made the picture priceless.

Jude can’t help himself, he’s holding Connor’s phone in one hand and his soda in the other. He’s laughing so hard that he has to lay down on Connor’s bed on his back. While doing so he accidently spills his soda all over his shirt.

“Oh shit sorry.” Jude says while trying to sit up without getting any soda on the bed.

“No problem, don’t worry about it, tomorrow's laundry day so. Besides I don’t think you got any on the bed.” Connor was still snickering thinking of the picture.

Connor got off the bed and opened up his closet. He searched through some hangers.

“Here you can take this.” Connor hands over an over-sized light green t-shirt.

Jude hesitates for a while but considering his own shirt is soaked in soda he really doesn’t have a choice. Jude looks at Connor and Connor can read his mind.

“You can change in the bathroom if you want or I can go out?”

“No, no… I’ll go. Thanks.”

Jude goes into the bathroom and locks the door behind him.

He unbuttons his long-sleeved shirt and takes it off. He takes a quick looks in the mirror before turning away. _Disgusting._

He puts on Connor’s shirt but not without smelling it first. Jude does it again. And again. It smells of Connor and Jude can’t stop smiling into the fabric.

The t-shirt is at least five sizes too big for him, he can probably use it as a sleeping bag he figures. Connor's scent make him forget everything else so he leaves the bathroom and goes into Connor’s room again.

“Perfect fit!” Connor snickers seeing Jude’s small frame in Connor’s way oversized old t-shirt.

“I look like a rapper…” Jude smiles before once again sitting down on Connor’s bed.

Connor can’t help liking that. The way that Jude looks in his shirt. Seeing Jude in his clothes, it’s… Connor likes that.

“So have you decided about Halloween, you going?” Connors asks.

“Umm… yeah, of course?”

“Ok good… because in the text you said… you weren’t sure.” Connor had wanted to make sure that Jude would be going for a long time.

Jude had of course only been unsure when he thought Connor and Madison were going together-together.

“Yeah but I’m going… yeah, for a while anyway.”

“Just for a while?” Connor didn’t mean to sound so disappointed.

“Well… I guess everyone will be drinking and I…”

Connor waited for Jude to finish his sentence, urging him on with a nod.

“I don’t really like when people get drunk...” Jude’s doing his fiddling thing again, Connor notices.

“I’m not drinking.” Connor had of course planned to drink in order to perhaps get over his nervousness but suddenly it didn’t seem like such a good idea. Wonder why.

“You’re not? I mean it’s cool with me…”

“No I know. I just don’t want to.” Connor tried to get Jude to make eye-contact with him but Jude stubbornly looked down his lap. Jude didn’t trust himself when they made eye-contact, it always ended… weird.

“Do you dance?”

Connor’s seemingly random question got Jude’s attention, he finally looked at him with a raised brow.

“Yeah of course I do, you haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen this party animal in action!” Jude said jokingly while lifting his arms up, Connor thinks he’s trying to do the “raise the roof” but he’s not sure as Jude’s bouncing too much at the same time.

Connor’s eyes are for a second drawn to Jude’s exposed armpit as the arms of Jude’s t-shirt falls down from his movements.

He looks away before Jude notices.

Jude composes himself, he can see that Connor is deep in thought about something, finding him hard to read.

“Hey you’re ok?”

“Yeah… yeah. It’s just… I don’t think I’ve ever seen your… arms before.”

Jude’s smile is gone in an instant and once again he’s not looking at Connor but downwards.

“Hey… Jude?”

Jude gulps but doesn’t say anything.

“Hey it’s not a bad thing… you know?”

Jude demonstratively puts out his arm in front of Connor. “Let’s compare shall we.” 

“Jude…”

“Please. Put your arm next to mine.”

Connor reluctantly does what Jude wants even though he knows what he’s getting at.

“You see? Yours is… And mine... I don’t even look… like a man at all, I know that.” Jude’s voice feeling small.

All Connor wants to do is hold the boy sitting next to him. For him, Jude was perfect. He can’t really tell him just how much… all parts of his body is attracted by Jude’s thin frame, of course it isn’t appropriate. But he has to make him feel better about himself.

“Hey…” Connor says.

Jude’s still looking down, still looking… sad. Connor can’t stand it. He’s allergic to it.

“Remember what I said on the beach?”

Jude didn’t respond.

“I said you were the opposite of ugly. And I… I meant it.”

Jude could feel it. The shift. That thing. Time was slowing down again. It was something about Connor’s tone that triggered it.

Connor scooted closer so they were sitting side by side with their feet on the floor. Jude had learned to take shallow breaths in order to survive these moments. Connor was sitting so close that Jude could feel Connor’s body heat. There was no chance that Jude was looking at Connor now because Jude knew that could mean he’d do just about anything.

“Hey… look at me.”

_Nope. Not-a-chance._

“Jude… please?”

Jude closed his eyes. Connor begging… there was just no way.

“Please look at me, I have something to say.”

Jude swallowed hard and opened his eyes again before slowly turning towards Connor. Connor was looking at him with those beautiful hazel eyes that he… that he liked from day one.

Jude’s eyes flickered to Connor’s bottom lip, noticing it tremble a bit.

“Jude you’re…”

Jude’s gaze just took the air out of his lungs and Connor words failed him. He searched for them but his heart beating out of his chest made it impossible for him to find any words that would make any sense.

Connor swallows down hard and breaks their eye-contact, instead looking down at his lap where his hands rests.

“Shit…” He says while his jaw is unconsciously moving from side to side. Connor gets frustrated. _I was supposed to be the one comforting Jude, remember._

Connor gathers some courage he didn’t knew he had and once again looked at Jude, who was still looking at him with his brown eyes that Connor always got lost in.

Jude looked at him as he was trying to read Connor.

“Jude I… I…”

Connor once again looked away, he couldn’t do it.

“Why is this so hard…” He says while looking away, nervously tapping his foot against the floor. He’d imagined so many times how he would tell Jude how he felt but still he couldn’t make himself say it.

Connor began to inhale and exhale in an increased pace, on the edge of hyperventilating. Connor was losing it.

Just as Connor was about to get up from the bed and probably run hiding in the bathroom he felt something touching his hand.

He looked down in shock to see Jude’s small hand embracing his, lacing their fingers together.

Connor’s state of semi-hyperventilating disappeared in an instant. His body was screaming in the best fucking way Connor had ever felt.

Jude held on to Connor’s hand as he slowly rubbed his thumb against it.

“I was hoping that would help…” Jude said just above a whisper.

Connor’s lips had parted and he just stared, still in shock, at their intervened hands. 

Jude kept rubbing his thumb against Connor’s hand, calming him down. Connor didn’t dare to move. Hell he didn’t dare to breath as he was afraid to wake up from this obvious dream state.

After a moment, or a minute, or an hour, who knows? Connor slowly looked up from their hands to Jude’s face. Jude had his lips tightly closed and was looking down at his hands that was holding on to Connor’s.

Jude’s small hand felt so soft in Connor’s hand that he couldn’t quite believe it.

Jude looked almost scared while he was taking breaths with his nose. Connor surely had the same look on his face he figured.

Jude must have felt Connor’s eyes on him as he slowly looked up and meet Connor’s eyes, still holding on to his hand. When their eyes meet, Jude’s thumb stopped rubbing against Connor’s skin. Jude simply couldn’t cope with doing anything else while looking at Connor.

As he's done before, Connor searched Jude’s face and eyes with his own, trying to read him. Jude was doing the same with him. They both had a cautious look on their faces.

Connor lips moved on their own.

“You got soft hands…”

With that Connor witnessed the best thing he’s ever seen in his life. The corner of Jude’s lips lifted upwards in a nervous smile but a smile nonetheless. A blush creeping up on his pale cheeks.

Connor smiled instantly at the sight.

“Still very manly of course, but soft…” Connor filled in.

Jude snickered and said in a low voice while still smiling. “Shut up…”

They kept looking at each other, both of them smiling like fools. Now Connor knew what people was talking about when they talked about feeling butterflies in the stomach. His whole body was… bubbling and all he wanted to do was laugh. Nothing had ever felt better. Nothing. Ever.

“Your hand is warm.” Jude says, voice soft and gentle while he was looking down on their connected hands.

Connor didn’t want this moment to end, he couldn’t really think of anything in particular, he just wanted everything to stay like this. In this moment, not a care existed for Connor Stevens. He felt like there was pure energy being sent from his hand, which held onto Jude’s, to the rest of his body.

Connor kept looking at Jude’s face, who still was slightly smiling while not looking at Connor. Connor started rubbing Jude’s hand with his thumb and the reaction he got from Jude is something he’ll never forget. Jude closed his eyes and blushed in an instant, going full on red, he had a wide close-lipped smile on his face.

Connor kept gently rubbing Jude’s hand with his thumb and after a minute Jude gathered to courage to open his eyes and look at Connor. Looking at each other once again made them smile like freaking idiots, neither making any attempts whatsoever to speak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 33: Cruel intentions" is up Saturday the 5th
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr, add/msg me to talk about Waterloo, Lord Gavin or something else


	33. Cruel intentions

Their moment was disturbed as they heard footsteps coming up the stairs. They didn’t disconnect their hands until someone knocked on the door. Connor made a noise in this throat from missing the physical contact.

“Hey it’s me, can I come in?” It was Adam.

“Yeah come in.” Connor couldn’t even be mad at Adam. He couldn’t feel anything but happiness in the state he was in.

Adam smiled internally seeing the two of them sitting very close to each other on Connor’s bed. Jude was still blushing. He couldn’t help it.

“So it’s time to take you home Jude, you ready?”

Jude nodded at Adam and stood up.

Connor trailed them down the stairs. When Jude was dressed and ready to leave they once again looked at each other.

“So… I had a great day. Thanks.” Jude said.

“It was the best.” Connor replied, unable to hold back his lips from going upwards.

Jude blushed, again. If he wasn’t bubbling inside he’d surely been mad at himself for being so awkward.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

  
Jude was lying in his bed. He should probably go to sleep soon but somehow he had no intention of doing so. This day… Jude checked the date, October 24th 2015, had been the best day in his life. No question about it.

Spending time with Connor was honestly good enough for Jude. It was more than good enough, it was amazing. After that Connor and him had been to the movies. Correction, Connor has taken him to the movies, his treat. Jude’s smiling for himself, he likes to think about that fact. The fact that Connor had taken him to the movies.

When they got to the Stevens's, Connor’s mother had showed him a whole other part of her personality than he had seen before. She’d apologized for talking about Lena in that way... It felt good for Jude, hearing it.

Jude takes his pillow and laughs into it thinking about the two of them up in Connor’s room. _Oh my god I can’t believe I did that…_

When Jude saw the way that Connor was feeling sitting on his bed… It was a feeling he recognized, someone who was about not to be able to cope with everything going on. He needed Connor to feel better, he figures he can stand seeing anyone else feel like that but Connor… never Connor.

On instinct he had grabbed Connor’s hand with his own, holding on to it to comfort him. Making him feel good and safe, letting him know that he had nothing to worry about as long as Jude was there. It worked. It worked perfectly.

It wasn't lost to Jude that this wasn't normally what his instincts would tell him to do. Something was changing... he... was changing.

Jude felt like he had hold on to the sun itself, Connor’s warm big hand embracing his own… Jude wanted to feel that again. He needed to feel that again.

Connor had smiled. Jude hadn’t imagined everything. Connor didn’t seem to ever want to let go of his hand, he was in no rush even when Adam was coming up the stairs. What did this mean… Connor, liking him back? The thought made Jude lightheaded. He’d dreamed and fantasized about it so many times he wasn’t sure if this was real or not.

Jude’s phone laying on his bedside table buzzed, he picked it up and smiled widely seeing it was from Connor.

“Goodnight Jude :)”

“Goodnight Connor :)”

Both of them dreamt sweet dreams that night.

 <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Jude was getting ready for church. He put on his white shirt, his black tie and his jacket. He absolutely hated wearing this outfit. Not that there was anything wrong with the clothes themselves but it was what they represented to him that he hated.

Jude had been so happy when he walked up the porch to his house after Adam had dropped him off. He’d been so happy that he almost forgot to wipe the smile off his face before entering. He flinches and tries to repress the lump that he suddenly feels in his stomach. Jude must never forget that. Never. He can’t be so careless around Phil.

Jude had planned on zoning out until he was back home again. Thinking about Connor seemed like a lot more fun than sitting through what he assumed was going to be another hate speech or two. As Phil usually never speaks to him this shouldn’t be a problem. The problem was that this day, Phil had something to say.

“You spend a lot of time with that boy you’re tutoring. Connor.” Phil says when Jude sits down in the car. Jude hate Phil’s voice. That Phil talked about Connor was not something Jude found comfort in.

Jude hesitates for a while, thinking about how and what to answer.

“Yes… we’re friends.” Jude always talk as calm and low as possible when talking with Phil. 

Phil snorts. “Friends? You really think that?”

Jude didn’t want to engage. Phil didn’t know what he was talking about. Connor wasn’t like all the other students he had tutored. Most of them hasn’t even spoken to him after they passed their exams.

“Yes…” Jude is looking down, wanting nothing else than that the conversation would be over soon.

Phil gives away a close-mouthed snicker. Apparently finding what Jude said amusing.

They go a minute without talking and Jude’s hoping that the silence will last.

“I don’t need to remind you what you’ll force me to do if he, or someone else, _notices_ right?”

Jude is scared. Phil doesn’t usually talk out loud about _it_. Jude is scared of why he’s doing it now. What has changed?

“No…” Jude says almost with a whimper while looking out the window.

“Good.”

Those were the last words they spoke to each other that day. Jude was more than fine with that. He still found it alarming that Phil found it... necessary to talk about Connor. He hated that he had even said his name.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor was running on the treadmill at the gym. He’d been going non-stop for thirty minutes. His mother insisted that he should improve his endurance. Thinking about it, his mother wanted him to improve everything all the time.

He liked running as it gave him time with his own thoughts. He was by himself on the treadmill, nothing bothering him. Connor found running easier than ever. He felt unstoppable. The reason for it was of course Jude. Jude had held his hand and it was the greatest fucking feeling in the world.

Once again he kept thinking about the very intense first two months in San Diego. He laughed slightly that he even had come out to his family. He… coming out? He didn’t even _know_ he was gay two months ago.

He had been worried that things had gone too fast with Jude, well not _with_ Jude but the feelings he had for him. Now, he wasn’t worried about that anymore. Not a care in the world existed from the moment Jude’s hand had grasped on to his.

Sweet, cute, super smart, adorable Jud-…

“Connor?” He was snapped out of his daydreaming by his mother that had been forced to turn off the treadmill herself as he wasn’t responding.

“Sorry mom, zoned out.”

“You got to focus while we’re here Connor. The talent scouts will be here in January and by then you need to be in your best shape ever.”

“I know… Sorry.”

“Just don’t let it happen again. We’re done for today anyway.”

When they were walking out the gym and towards their car, his mother asked Connor.

“So… you and Jude seem to spend a lot of time together…”

“Yeah, so?” Connor didn’t know why he got defensive, but he did.

“No nothing. It’s just… You know that you probably will be drafted when you turn 17?”

“Yeah… probably…” Connor wasn’t excited about it. He probably should be, but he wasn’t. For a reason.

Mrs. Stevens waited a moment before speaking again, she had seen the way Connor acted around Jude. There was… something there, she’d noticed.

“And you know that means you probably won’t be here next year…?”

“I know… I know.” Reality seemed to make Connor aware that his life wasn’t as carefree as it had seemed just moments ago.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude had been doing school work all day when he got home from church. Phil mentioning Connor still made him feel uneasy… he didn’t really know why but there was something in the way that Phil brought it up that wasn’t… right.

Jude was still far ahead in all his subjects but the last few weeks he’d been doing considerably less studying on his own than he usually does. Now, Jude had other things on his mind rather than just surviving and studying.

Now, Jude had Connor on his mind. Jude found himself smiling to himself, sitting up on his room. He had to shake his head to clear it. Was this really happening… this thing with Connor? It just seems… unreal. He often comes back to that word when thinking about the last two months, _unreal_.

He had his phone by his desk. He wanted to call or text Connor. Not that he really had anything to say. Thinking about it he had a lot to tell him, but most of it he couldn’t say to Connor. He guessed he just… missed him.

His phone rang, taking him out of his reverie. His heart began to beat faster as he grabbed for it, it was Hannah. He felt bad for being disappointed. Hannah didn’t deserve that.

“Hey ex-girlfriend!”

Hannah snickered “Hey ex-boyfriend, what are you doing?”

Before Jude could answer. “Wait let me guess… you’re studying or thinking about how _perfect_ Connor is?”

Jude went stiff for a moment, is he really that predictable?

“Umm…”

Hannah laughed. ”You’re so predictable.” Apparently, he was.

“Anyway, two things but first things first, have you found a costume for Saturday yet?”

“No… I haven’t, I’m starting to stress out about it.”

“Well don’t. I have an idea, if you don’t mind that we have matching costumes?”

“No! No I don’t… as long as… you know.”

“I know. Don’t worry, I got you _covered_.” Hannah emphasized on the last word jokingly.

Jude snickered. “Thanks…” He felt relieved not having to worry about his outfit anymore, thank god for Hannah.

“What was the second thing?”

Hannah took a moment, not exactly knowing how to put it.

“Well it’s this… _thing_ with Maddie.”

“What thing?”

“Umm… so Connor called her to make sure she got that they were only going as friends.”

“That’s good isn’t it?”

“Yes… yes it should be enough, right? Thing is… Maddie seems to think that Connor is just being shy.”

“Oh…”

“Yes… _oh._ ”

Hannah continued. “I just want to avoid some sort of _incident_ at the party you know? If Maddie gets drunk and you know… the way you feel about Connor… I don’t want… You know what I mean right Jude?”

Hannah of course didn’t know that things with Connor has _progressed_ and this time he didn’t feel like sharing their intimate moment. Intimate moment? Holding hands? Yeah… thinking about it, for Jude it had been the most intimate moment of his life.

“I know… But what can we do about it? As long as Connor doesn’t like her like that I’ll be fine.” Jude lowered his voice, as he did on reflex whenever mentioning Connor when Phil was in the house. Jude couldn’t risk anything.

“You sure? I just don’t…”

“I’m sure. And thank you for you know, caring.”

“Ok. See you tomorrow, bright and early.”

“See ya.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Monday morning and Jude was standing in front of his mirror. He waited. He’d only put on his underwear and jeans. The shirt had to wait. He needed to do this, for himself.

His phone finally rang.

“Hey Callie…” He tried to sound casual but his energy and focus went to just observing himself in the mirror.

“Heey little brother. How’s everything?”

“You know… same old same old.”

Callie immediately notices his tone. Jude doesn't normally respond like that in that way.

“Okay… So, how was your week?”

“It was good…” Jude traces his fingers over his chest and down to his navel.

“Ok… so what did you do?”

“I spend it mostly with Connor. We went to the movies.”

Callie gulpes, she tries to sound unaffected. “Ok… what did you see?”

“We saw Deadpool. It was fun.”

"Really? Hmm... I thought the premier was in like February or something."

"Nope..."

“Ok… good to know it was... good.”

As Callie didn’t know what to say she simply asked.

“What are you doing?”

Jude takes a moment. “I’m just… looking.”

Callie went silent for a moment. Suddenly she replies.

“Okay, listen I gotta go I’m in a bit of a hurry.”

Jude snickered, “Okay, you do what you gotta do.”

Callie hesitates for a moment, “Yeah… ok, bye Jude.”

“Bye.”

She hangs up.

 _Coward._ He thinks before he goes downstairs to prepare for school.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“So Maddie, what’s the body count for Saturday?” Jacob asked while the six of them were gathered at their lunch table.

“We’re at twenty… Maximum capacity.” Madison sounds disappointed. 

“Which is MORE than I would call a _small get-to-gather_ which is what I’m telling my parents.” Hannah objected.

“Yeah yeah I know. You’re right.”

Jude found twenty people to be plenty, he would almost certainly not know anybody besides his five friends and Connor. Connor however, was the only one he cared about so he didn’t really mind.

“And Chris has got the alcohol under control, pun intended, right?” Jacob was making sure.

“Yes I got it. Finally, my big brother found a way to be helpful, who would have known?”

The others went on about the party and Jude sort of drifted out of the conversation. He was actually looking forward to Saturday’s party. Him, looking forward to a party? Jude smiled for himself thinking about how his life had changed since Connor entered it.

Speaking of it, he saw that Connor was walking with Maria and Darla and they were about to take their seats. Before sitting down Connor turned around and looked towards Jude’s table. When his eyes found Jude’s he smiled widely and waved at him. Jude returned the smile, probably just as wide, and waved back.

Just like that, it was one of the best lunch breaks that Jude could remember. Of course he wasn’t paying attention to anything around him. He just sat there, smiled like a fool, and kept daydreaming about the boy with the hazel eyes.

  
At another table four boys from the soccer team were discussing the upcoming weekend.

“So what are you two losers doing this weekend?” Mike asked while laughing slightly.

Before neither of the boys with orange skin could answer Daniel filled in.

“Yeah cause I know there’s no way in hell you’re invited to Hannah’s party.”

“You think we want to go to that lame ass party?” John retorted.

“Yeah we’re going to Craig’s, he's gonna have like 10 beer kegs there, it’s gonna be awesome!” Scott said.

“Party at Craig’s?” Mike snorted. “That means there's gonna be like ten guys there, all drinking until you pass out. Yeah wouldn’t wanna miss that sausage fest…”

“Whatever…” John replied while chewing on his burger. Not that his already broad stature needed it.

“I heard even Jude’s gonna be there, I hope he’s going to drink, that could be entertaining.” Daniel said while smiling. Mike gave him a disapproving look. Mentioning Jude around John and Scott was rarely a good idea.

Mike had no idea.

“You don’t say…” Scott said while looking over at John, trying to hide a smile.

Mike got up. “So let’s go, we’re gonna be late for practice.” Daniel followed him.

“Yeah we’ll be there, you go on ahead.” John said.

As Mike and Daniel left the orange duo, Scott leaned in.

“You’re thinking what I’m thinking right?”

John nodded, smiling to his best friend.

“Yeah. It’s perfect. Jude’s gonna have about as happy memories from Halloween as from the beach.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 34: War of the Alphas" is up Monday the 7th
> 
> Quite a lot of build-up in this chapter. Time for Halloween in the next chapter, I promise you it'll be an intense weekend.
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr, add/msg me to talk about Waterloo, Lord Gavin or something else


	34. War of the Alphas

Saturday came and Connor was trying on his costume in front of his mirror. He just shook his head and laughed at himself. _How did I let Maddie talk me into this…?_

He had only seen Jude some brief moments in school. The week had been crazy busy for both Connor and Jude. Connor had a lot of soccer practices and Jude had to study for a big English test he had on Friday. They had texted some, mostly about how they both were looking forward to see each other at the party.

“Hey son, can I come in?” Adam was knocking on the door.

“Yeah come in.”

Adam laughed. “Wow, you’re gonna wear that?”

Connor smiled awkwardly “Apparently… It’s Madison’s idea.”

“Jude’s going to like that I think” Adam was still laughing.

“Or he’s going to think I’m a complete idiot. A complete idiot.”

“Or that.” Adam replied, still smiling.

Connor was not feeling sure about this. Alcohol sure would have helped he figured. Speaking of it…

“So, is there going to be alcohol at the party?”

“Yes I think so. But I’m not drinking.”

“Son…” Adam was not buying it.

“I’m not. Jude doesn’t like it. So I’m not… Even though I probably would need to if I’m wearing this.”

“Ok… But if you do… don’t get drunk, ok?” Adam could see Jude not liking it, and he knew that Jude probably was priority one for Connor this evening.

Connor hadn’t told his father about him and Jude holding hands. He knew Adam would be over the moon hearing about it but he needed to be punished for that stupid banana comment.

“Well I’m not drinking so it doesn’t matter.”

“Ok ok. And remember to call me when I should come and take you home. Not too late.”

“I will... Thanks.” Connor was still squirming in front of the mirror, trying to make the outfit more comfortable without really succeeding.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude was over at Hannah’s place. They were in her room as Hannah was applying make-up on Jude’s face.

“So… what’s the plan for tonight?” Hannah asked while concentrating on getting Jude’s make-up right.

“What do you mean?”

Hannah started to hum along to the Justin Bieber-song with the same name as Jude's question.

“Hannah…” Jude hates Justin Bieber. Hates.

Hannah was now dancing around in her room while still singing. Hannah loves Justin Bieber. Loves.

After a while she returned to Jude’s face with her powder brush.

“You know what I mean. You’re going to be at the same party as your crush.”

“I don’t have a crush!” Jude was not into putting a name on it. “I just… like him.”

Hannah rolled her eyes… “Whatever… You’re going to be at the same party as the boy _you like_. What’s the plan?”

Plan? Jude didn’t have a plan. Should he? He just wanted to spend time with Connor, he hadn’t thought about anything else.

“Umm… I don’t have a plan…” He gulped.

Hannah laughed softly as she finished up painting Jude’s face.

“Hey Jude… I, well, like seeing you like this. It’s like you’re finally, living?”

“I feel the same way…” He replied a little to honestly.

“Just… you know. Be careful… around… Phil.” She bit her lip before saying his name.

Jude’s face lost a bit of the glow it had when they talked about the night to come. Hannah knew that was going to happen but she needed to say it anyway.

“Yeah I… I know. I am.” He swallowed down hard. She was right. He just didn’t want to think about it even though he probably should.

“Tada! Finished. Let’s take a look in the mirror.”

Jude and Hannah observed themselves. Hannah had done a really good paintjob. Hannah had painted their faces like Na’Vi’s from Avatar. Hannah had found some blue tracksuits to complete the look. She had even made her mom sew on tails for them. It wasn’t he most original idea but Jude was more than happy with it.

“Connor’s gonna love it.” Hannah winked at him.

With that Jude immediately discovered a huge perk with the make-up. You couldn’t tell when his cheeks went red from blushing.

Jude and Hannah walked around Hannah’s house checking that everything was in order before the guests would arrive.

“Wow, Maddie sure likes Halloween…” Jude concluded, looking around the overly decorated house.

“Tell me about it, she was here the minute my parents left and started putting up things.”

“How long until the others will get here?” Jude asked while inspecting a very realistic looking spider-web.

“I think Jacob and Ashley said they’ll come a bit early but the others should get here in an hour or so.”

Jude got a warm feeling. Just an hour away until he got to see Connor. He couldn’t wait.

 <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Connor was sitting in the backseat of Madison’s mom’s car as she’d picked him up a few minutes ago. Madison had squealed in excitement seeing Connor’s outfit.

“Oh. My. God. Connor, it looks even better than I was hoping.”

“Hmm yeah… thanks, I guess.” Connor was not comfortable.

“At least we match pretty well, yours looks cool.”

Madison outfit sure was a perfect match to Connor’s, so that was… good, he figured. Connor was desperately trying to concentrate on something positive.

“Alright you two, have fun!” Madison’s mom said while pulling up outside of Hannah’s house.

Madison and Connor got out of the car. Connor felt nervous. The point on going to this party was to see Jude, he just hoped that Jude wouldn’t find his costume to be too much. It looked like they were among the last one to get there. The music was loud and Connor could see through the window that the house was already full of people.

“You ready?” Madison asked, seeing that Connor was obviously nervous about it.

Connor gulped and nodded even though he sure as hell wasn’t ready for this.

“Hey, thanks for being cool with _this_. Trust me the only thing you should be worried about is that the other guys are going to hate you for looking like that.” Madison continued while smirking at Connor.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude was standing in the living room talking with Jacob. They were discussing Deadpool as Jacob’s costume was said character. Jacob had already taken off the mask as it was too hot to wear it, taking some of the whole idea of the costume but hey, Jude doesn’t judge.

“I was thinking of just wearing a Hugh Jackman-mask but I don’t think that many would get the reference.” Jacob said while taking a sip from his glass of punch.

Jude laughed slightly. “That would have been awesome.”

They had to talk quite loud as the music already was turned up all the way. Jacob went on and on about the movie. Jude had to concentrate on not solely thinking about when Connor would get here.

It was at that moment that Jacob stopped himself and looked at something behind Jude.

“Oh maaan! How did Maddie get you to wear that?!” Jacob was laughing as Jude turned around.

Jude… Jude was not ready.

Connor and Madison were standing side-by-side in matching outfits. That they matched was something that Jude realized later, he wasn’t really noticing that Madison was standing there at all.

Apparently Madison had convinced Connor to dress up like the characters from her favorite movie 300. Connor was wearing a red cape, some extremely tight and short brown leather briefs and some sandals with some (obviously) plastic shin guards.

That meant that his entire torso was out there in the open. As if that was not enough Madison had also given Connor some oily bronze lotion that was applied all over his chest and stomach. Jude… needed a moment. _You should probably close your mouth Jude._ He did, some parts of his brain was thankfully still working.

Connor looked like he didn’t want to be there at all. He kept looking anywhere but at Jude. Madison and Jacob were talking as Jude and Connor avoided eye contact. Jude avoided looking at Connor at all. Because… well… Jude just couldn’t.

“Hey Maddie you got to see Ash’s outfit, come on!”

And with that Jude and Connor were left alone together in the living room.

Perfect. Not even a little bit awkward… not at all.

In the corner of his eye Jude registered that Connor was scratching the back of his head while still looking down.

“So…” Connor finally said as he took a step towards Jude so that they could hear each other over the music.

Jude’s eyes were flickering all over. He had waited the whole week for this but he still wasn’t ready when Connor was looking like that.

“I know… I shouldn’t have let Maddie decide on the outfit. I look ridiculous. Sorry…”

Hearing Connor apologize made Jude look up at him. Jude saw Connor’s pained facial expression and all he wanted was to make him smile again.

“What? No, you look… You… you shouldn’t apologize. I know how _persuasive_ Maddie can be…”

As Connor felt Jude’s eyes on him he looked directly at Jude for the first time since entering the house.

“Whoa… you look great.” Connor took a step close in order to examine Hannah’s paintjob.

Jude frowned over Connor’s tone. If he was lying he was doing a pretty good job at it.

“Thanks… It’s all Hannah’s doing.” He was probably blushing.

“You look great even when you’re not blue so, I don’t think it’s all her doing.” Ok, now Jude was definitely blushing. He had to look away from Connor as he smiled over Connor’s words.

 _Oh right, should probably compliment him as well_.

Jude looked up and glanced at Connor’s body. _Jesus was that lotion really necessary?_ He had to shake his head before speaking. Connor looked surreal.

“You look ok.” Jude couldn’t help to let out a small laugh. A person shouldn’t be allowed to look as Connor did right now.

Connor smiled as he heard Jude’s laugh. He’d missed it all week. Jude look up at Connor and saw him smiling. Connor’s smile could light up a football stadium, this Jude was sure of.

They stay like that for a moment, looking each other in the eyes, smiling.

“Hey I’ve missed seeing you this week.” Connor said.

“Yeah, me too… Crazy week.” Jude replied.

“Tell me about it. Practice every day. By the way, how did the English test go?”

“No problems, it was quite easy.”

“You know I’m only asking to be polite right? You are my tutor, remember. Genius.”

Jude snickered. “Don’t call me that…”

Jude was about to speak when he noticed that his eyes kept going over Connor’s upper body.

“I’m sorry but… can you like, cover yourself up? It’s distracting.”

Connor’s facial expression became serious and full of concern.

“Oh sorry, yeah of course. I just promised Maddie to wear _this_ for a while.” Connor said while wrapping his cape around him, almost covering himself up completely.

 _Good thing you’re so oblivious…_ Jude thought as Connor didn’t seem to pick up on exactly why it was distracting for Jude.

“CONNOR! Get your hot Spartan ass over here!” Madison interrupted them as she was shouting from the kitchen.

Connor looked apologetically at Jude.

“Come with me, ok? You’re the only one I’m comfortable around.” Connor said and sure enough, he was pouting.

Of course there was no way for Jude to say no to that. He did get a warm feeling from Connor’s words as he trailed him to the kitchen. Jude agreed with himself that it was a good thing that Connor’s robe covered up his behind.

After a few hours the party was in full swing. Jude, Connor and Hannah were the only one’s not drinking anything. Hannah hid it from Madison with the cunning use of alcohol free cocktails.

Connor was occupied discussing something with a few guys from the soccer team. He kept looking at Jude with a “Please-get-me-out-of-here”-look on his face but Jude just smiled and shook his head, Connor was on his own.

“Everything going well?” Hannah asked as she stood beside him leaning against the kitchen benchtop.

“I think so. I mean it’s quite entertaining to just look and listen to drunk people.”

Hannah nods. “Agreed. I think Mike has told that story about when he thinks he saw Arnold Schwarzenegger five times now.”

“You’re right. The best part is that the guys he’s telling it to has heard it as many times without even remembering…”

Hannah laughs.

“Look at Daniel. He always gets like that. Telling his friends how much he loves them. It’s kind of sweet.”

Daniel was looking very seriously at Patrick while slurring, trying to tell Patrick he’s his best friend and that he loves him soooo much.

“Hey, where’s Chris?” Jude hadn’t seen him yet.

“I think he’ll be here any minute, he said he was gonna be late.”

Speaking of the devil, Jude and Hannah could hear the outer door opening and Chris’s distinct voice greeting someone in the hallway. When Chris came into the kitchen Jude could tell he was already drunk as he was grinning even more than usual. Chris was dressed up like Thor and Jude had to admit that objectively the look fit Chris very well.

“Hey Jude! My man! I really thought you were going to bail tonight.” Chris almost shouted as he approached Jude and Hannah.

Connor has managed to get out from the conversation with his drunk teammates and joined Jude, Hannah and Chris.

“Me? Missing a party? Never.” Jude said jokingly at Chris.

Chris laughed. A lot. Chris laughed way more than that semi-joke deserved. Jude clearly noted that Connor frowned a bit before he composed himself.

“Hey Stevens! Oh you got a red cape as well, great minds think alike and so on!” Chris was in a good mood, the alcohol clearly helping along so far.

Connor gave Chris a half-smile. “Yeah it sure looks that way…”

Jude was used to observe others as they spoke and he did notice that Chris got that little spark of mischief in his eyes that he got sometimes.

“You know the God of thunder would probably kick some Spartan ass if it came down to it.” Chris nudged Connor’s shoulder while laughing.

Connor was not smiling just as much as Chris.

“I don’t know. I think this particular Spartan might be up to the challenge.” Connor said with a tone that was somewhere between jokingly and serious.

“Nah I don’t know. I think this particular God is so fit he could like… bench press Jude.” Chris said smiling wide.

“Can I try?” Chris said winking at Jude.

“No you may not.” Connor’s voice not joking at all, his tone catching Jude by surprise. Jude thought he almost looked… angry? Well annoyed anyhow. Connor once again seemed to force a smile on his face when he got a hold of his emotions.

Jude found the situation to be really awkward. Clearly the boys had some alpha male issues with each other. 

“Yeah so I’m gonna go to the bathroom…” Jude said and left Connor and Chris alone with their testosterone.

As Jude emptied his bladder a realization struck him like, fittingly enough, thunder. _Oh my god…_ Even though Jude of course was alone in the bathroom he hid his face in his hands. Now Jude realized what Chris was doing. He was trying to make Connor jealous. Jude had forgot to tell Chris that things with Connor were good again. _Shit shit shit!_

 

Meanwhile in The alpha male kingdom (a.k.a. the kitchen)

Chris didn’t waste any time when Jude left for the bathroom. He stood close to Connor so their conversation became private.

“Damn Stevens… I don’t know if this is the alcohol talking but Jude sure does look good in blue…” Chris said while taking a sip from his beer.

Connor’s eyes went wide as he looked over at Chris.

“Wh-what?” Connor stuttered.

Chris hid his smirk behind his beer.

“I’m just saying…” Chris takes another sip. “I’d probably go gay for him man.”

Connor couldn’t believe what he was hearing but he sure as hell didn’t like it.

“Bu-but… wh-what? Are you?” Connor once again proved that he was a master linguist.

Chris was loving this. Connor’s reaction was exactly what he was hoping for.

He shrugged before speaking. “Only one way to find out…” He smirked, this time not hiding it from Connor.

Chris noticed Connor’s face going red and he could swear the color of his eyes became more black than hazel. 

“But I think I gotta move fast, don’t think a guy like that’s gonna be single that much longer…”

“Well it sure as hell aint gonna be you!” Connor spat out. Connor didn’t like Chris talking about Jude, not a single bit.

Chris looked over at Connor, he couldn’t help that he was enjoying this. The last time he really spoke with Jude he had been devastated over the fact that Connor was going to this party as Madison’s date.

“Whoa dude what’s wrong with you, you don’t want to help a brother out?” Chris laughed.

Just as Chris was about to try and take Connor over the edge Jude was back from the bathroom.

When Jude got back into the kitchen he saw Connor and Chris staring at each other. The look on their faces couldn’t be any more different. Connor had that look in his eyes that he’d only seen John & Scott put there. Chris on the other hand was smiling, or more smirking, at Connor.

“Hey…” Jude tried to break their awkward staring competition.

It didn’t work.

“Ehm, so… what’s going on?” Jude gave it one more shot.

“Oh hey Jude. We were just talking, you know. Soccer stuff.” Chris said, clearly lying.

“Yeah… soccer.” Connor said.

“God, that costume looks great on you Jude.” Chris was looking at him from top to toe as Connor was grinding his teeth.

“Thanks…” Jude didn’t really know what to say.

Chris leaned back behind Jude.

“It looks reeeeally good. Front _and_ back.” Once again he winked at Jude, of course in a manner so that Connor had no problem noticing.

With that, Connor had enough. He needed to be alone with Jude before he would do something really stupid with Chris’s face.

“Ok Jude, can we talk about that thing… you know, in private?”

“Umm… yeah sure.”

Chris watched as Jude and Connor left the kitchen and walked into what he knows is Hannah’s parents’ bedroom, closing the door behind them.

It was a bittersweet feeling seeing his efforts bearing fruit. Making Jude happy was the important thing. That Connor had become jealous was obvious. That Jude liked Connor a whole lot was as obvious.

The third thing being obvious was that Jude still didn’t notice that crushes don’t go away just like that for Chris Hyde.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 35: Inception" is up Wednesday the 9th
> 
> You know it by now, www.tumblr.com/blog/awesomemarrcusuniverse, let's discuss anything or Gavin (preferably Gavin)


	35. Inception

Hannah came into the kitchen, finding Chris sitting by the kitchen table by himself. Luckily he managed to hide his troubled expression from Hannah before she’d noticed.

“Hey… where’s Jude?”

“Umm…” Chris hesitated, what should he tell Hannah? Does she already know? Chris knows that if Jude has told anyone of his friends it would be Hannah.

“He and Connor are talking in your parents’ bedroom.”

“Ah, good...” Hannah replies.

They don’t say anything for a while. Chris is peeling away the label of his beer bottle.

“You think he’ll be ok?” Chris says, not looking at Hannah but still concentrating on making his bottle label free.

“Who? Jude? Why shouldn’t he be?”

“He didn’t look ok in the cafeteria… when Maddie… told us.” If Chris wasn’t under the influence he wouldn’t have talked but here he was, desperate to have someone to talk to about Jude.

Hannah gulped. She didn’t realize that someone else had noticed. Chris of all people was the last one she’d expect to see something like that.

“You know how he gets sometimes. I mean, he seems alright now.” She tried to sound casual, not making a big deal out of it.

Chris understood that she wouldn’t spill, which in a way he was thankful for. He got up from the table.

“I just hope he knows what he’s doing…” He said before joining the others in the living room, leaving Hannah alone in the kitchen.

“Yeah… me too…” She said to herself.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor closed the door behind them as they got into Hannah’s parent’s bedroom. He leaned back against the door, closed his eyes and exhaled.

Chris’s words had gotten to him. Which they really shouldn’t, he had no right to be upset.  But he couldn’t bare the thought of Jude and… no he didn’t even want to think about it. He couldn’t.

“Fuck…” He says leaning his head upwards, still having his eyes closed and trying to pull himself together.

Jude felt he had to explain himself, seeing that Connor was upset.

“Hey…” Jude said while taking a step towards him before continuing.

“Are you alright?”

Connor opened his eyes and saw Jude standing there with concern both in his voice and on his face.

“Yeah I’m… yeah. It’s just…” Connor bit his lip, cursing himself that he never could find the words. _Why the fuck am I always like this around him…_

Jude waited a while for Connor to speak but as he didn’t seem to, Jude said.

“Connor, I… I’m sorry.”

Jude looked sad. Connor didn’t like that.

“Why?”

“I…” Jude stopped himself. He couldn’t. If this… if this didn’t turn out good, he didn’t know how he was going to react. He couldn’t tell Connor here. He looked down. Connor witnessed Jude’s fingers doing the familiar fiddling thing.

Connor’s back left the safety of the door and took a step towards Jude.

“Hey… what is it?”

Jude didn’t know why, but suddenly he was sniffling while keeping his head down and his eyes closed. He felt his eyes starting to tear up. Just the thought of losing Connor as a friend was more than he could handle. It was… no. Jude shook his head, still sniffling. He could hear and… feel Connor approaching him.

“Jude? Please talk to me, what is it? Don’t cry… please.”

Jude couldn’t stand Connor’s caring tone right now. _Could you not be perfect for once…?_

Jude’s jaw was shaking as he tried to speak. The music from the house seemed distant although weirdly enough loud, here and now there was only them. After a minute Jude finally said.

“I’m… I’m scared.” He felt a tear running down his cheek.

“Why…? You don’t have to be scared, I’m here Jude.”

“That’s the th-thing… I’m scared you won’t be much longer.” Jude dried off his cheeks with the back of his hand, getting some of the blue makeup on it. 

Connor’s anger from before was long gone. Seeing Jude like this made him want to comfort him so badly and tell him everything was going to be alright.

“What are you talking about Jude? I’ll be here as long as you want me to.”

Jude had opened his tear-filled eyes and looked at Connor, his voice cracked several times.

“Yo-you don’t know that. You can’t sa-say that. You don’t know.”

Connor took another step closer to Jude. Jude had to look up to meet Connor’s eyes.

“Yes I do. I’m here as long as you want me to.” Connor said and continued saying “I promise.”

Jude gulped, remembering that Connor saying those words meant something to him.

“I… Chris tried to… make you jealous on purpose.” Jude was shivering as he finished his sentence. He knew what saying those words would lead to. He knew that with that, he opened the door.

“But… what… why?” Connor wasn’t following. Why would Chris do that?

Jude took deep breaths. He looked up at Connor before looking away. Another deep breath before looking up at Connor again. Connor’s beautiful hazel eyes for a second got Jude side-tracked. Jude shrugged it off, exhaled and Jude… let go.

“Because I wanted him to. Or I didn’t. I did when I thought you were going with Maddie as a date-date. I’m so sorry, I wasn’t thinking because I felt… I felt like it all was falling apart, again.”

Connor listened carefully to Jude’s choice of words, noticing that Jude had important things to say. Jude looked down at his fiddling hands before continuing.

“Somehow Chris had noticed that I liked you _like that_ and he thought you liked me too and I was so selfish that I didn’t mind him trying to make you jealous. I wasn’t thinking and I’m so sorry Connor. I just… I can’t lose you as a friend. Please forgive me… You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, ever… and I… I cannot lose you…”

Jude’s tears were now running freely down his cheeks as he spoke, voice still cracking. He was shaking like a leaf.

“I’m sorry… Please… I cannot lose you.” Jude was crying, he didn’t want to but he couldn’t help it.

“Hey… look at me.” Connor’s voice was impossibly soft. Jude had to obey him. He looked up and saw that Connor’s eyes were glistering, with… tears?

“Do you… like me?” Connor said and with that Connor’s face lit up the room as he smiled wide, his white teeth almost blinded Jude.

By reflex Connor’s smile made Jude laugh softly between his sobs. Jude would never in his life understand this, how Connor could make him go from feeling broken to… dare he say it, whole, in no time.

“Well of course I like you, haven’t you noticed that I’m a mess around you…”

Connor put his hand over his mouth as his body was filled with joy.

“Oh my god this isn’t happening… I’m dreaming right?” Connor said through his hand, still beaming.

Seeing Connor like that soothed Jude, but still he had to know… he couldn’t wait another second.

“So you don’t… mind?” Jude’s voice barely audible.

Connor was still in shock.

“Mind!?”

Jude nodded. It was at this time that Connor noticed that Jude still was shaking. Jude was smiling softly but his eyes gave away that he was beyond worried.

“Jude… I…. I like you too. A lot. A whole lot.”

Jude held his breath, before he could ask Connor had read him as he continued.

“ _Like that_. I like you, _like that._ ”

Connor was still smiling at Jude. It felt so fucking good finally saying it out loud to Jude and not just repeating it in his own head.

Connor’s smile faded a little when Jude looked at him with a confused look. Jude opened his mouth and… he was walking backwards.

“Jude…?”

Jude continued just looking at Connor with eyes wide open while walking backwards. When his calves hit against the double bed Jude sat down.

“Jude are you ok…?” Connor was worried. Jude hadn’t said a word, he just sat there looking at him with his mouth open.

“I’m sorry, I… I need to lie down a moment.” And with that Jude leaned backwards until his back was firm against the bed.

Connor didn’t know what to do. This was not what he was expecting Jude’s reaction to be, especially after Jude telling him he liked him _like that_. Connor walked up to the bed, Jude was lying with his eyes closed and mouth open as he was taking deep breaths.

“Jude, talk to me please, is something wrong?”

Jude kept breathing deeply. Connor sat down in the bed and leaned in over Jude. He saw that Jude was counting as he whispered “ _Three, four, five, six…”_

When Jude got to ten, he opened his eyes and looked straight into Connor’s.

Jude’s bottom lip began to tremble and Jude’s eyes and entire being looked so scared that it almost broke Connor’s heart.

Jude spoke.

“Connor… is this real? Are you real?”

Connor searched Jude’s eyes. His question seemed to be a serious one.

“Wh-what? Of course this is real. What do you mean?”

“Connor, you don’t understand… You have to tell me now if you’re joking or if I’m dreaming or if I’m drunk or high without knowing or if-.” Jude was still looking so scared when Connor cut him off.

“Jude I’ve liked you since my first day at Anchor Beach.”

Connor took a breath before finally saying what he has wanted to tell Jude for a long time.

“I’ll never forget the moment that I saw your eyes for the first time in the cafeteria. Everything else… faded, time stopped moving and… and I’m not sure it’s been fully turned back on since that day.”

Connor looked fondly at Jude before repeating himself.

“I like you. _Like that_.”

With Connor’s next words, Jude’s life would never be the same. He was forever changed.

“I promise.”

Jude’s facial expression went from scared to disbelief to… Jude put his hand over his mouth but Connor could clearly see the moment that Jude’s eyes shifted from sad to something completely different. Jude once again was shaking and tears formed from nowhere and went down his face hitting the comforter he was still lying on.

“Hey… don’t cry…” Connor said even though he kind of knew what kind of tears they were.

Jude sat up next to Connor, he couldn’t help laughing as he took his hand away from his mouth.

“It’s just… It’s the good kind... Believe me.”

Before Connor could do anything other than smile warmly at Jude he felt his hand once again being embraced by the brunette.

Connor spontaneously laughed by the touch and he felt something wet on his cheek. With his free hand he wiped his face from tears.

Jude was smiling with his entire face as he was just looking at Connor’s face.

“I can’t believe this is happening…” Jude was not lying. He tightened the grip of Connor’s hand. 

“Me neither…” Connor couldn’t take his eyes of Jude.

Just as before time was not a known concept to Jude and Connor when they were lost in each other. This time it was very different though. This time all the anxiety, doubt and worry that always had been present before was nowhere to be found. This state of mind proved to be short-lived.

The smiles on their faces faded at the exact same moment. It wasn’t intentional done by Connor but as they were sitting there looking fondly into each other’s eyes, Connor’s eyes flickered for a second down to Jude’s lips.

Jude noticed and forced down a gulp. For some reason, lost to Jude, his body reacted by looking at Connor’s full lips for a second before looking up at Connor’s eyes again.

For the first time since entering the bedroom, Jude noticed the lyrics of the song playing in the background. He had heard the song before but couldn’t really place it. The list of things that Jude could place right now in this moment was in all honesty a short one. The words kept repeating.

_I don’t wanna be friends…. I don’t wanna be friends…_

Connor had also noticed as he started to mouth the words silently while alternating looking at Jude’s eyes and lips.

Jude kept concentrating on not passing out, he felt completely paralyzed as Connor sucked in his own bottom lip in his mouth before rubbing it against the upper one.

They were still holding hands, sitting side-by-side, when Connor’s head slowly started to move closer to Jude’s. The only thing able to match Jude’s beating heart would be Connor’s.

Connor was under a spell, he felt drawn to Jude, like he needed to be closer to him. To Connor it felt like the most important thing to ever take place in the history of the world. It needed to happen.

As Connor slowly moving head started to get closer, Jude could feel his warmth and for a second it made him calm down. Connor stopped moving his head and looked Jude in the eyes, seeking permission.

Jude took shallow breaths before giving a barely noticeable nod to Connor. Connor tilted his head and closed his eyes and Jude did the same.

When their lips were a few inches apart the door flew open and with that they separated in an instant disconnecting their hands.

“There you are!” An apparently drunk and attractive girl said while looking at Connor.

Jude was relieved that the intruding girl seemed to have been too drunk to have noticed them almost sharing a very intimate moment.

Jude looked over at Connor who looked like he’d seen a ghost.

“Connor, who’s this?”

“Th-…. That’s Melissa.”

“Surprise!” The girl said before throwing herself into a surprised Connor’s arms and with that placing her lips right on Connor’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 36: Tough love" is up Saturday the 12th
> 
> A few things to my readers. 
> 
> First of all, don't kill me over the ending. Re-read their important communication before the interruption, it'll make you feel better.
> 
> Even though it wasn't news to me, I still feel drained over Gavin's last appearance on The Fosters. I'll get back to writing but I don't know when. I'll try my very best to update regularly.
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr, add/msg me to discuss the wonderful young man that is Gavin MacIntosh.


	36. Tough love

_Earlier that night at the Stevens residence_  


“Honey, you want some coffee?” Adam was shouting from the kitchen while turning on the coffee maker.

“No thank you, I’m good.” Mrs. Stevens replied from the living room.

Adam returned from the kitchen and sat down beside his wife. They were watching Netflix and Adam had already informed his wife that they should ‘chill’ as Connor was out of the house. Of course his wife had looked at him like he was crazy until he’d explained the expression.

“Why can’t your apparent age crises involve buying a sports car like everyone else?” Was the only thing she had to say about it.

“You think Connor is having a good time?” Mrs. Stevens said as Adam sat down.

“I think so yeah. Jude’s going to be there so he’ll be alright.”

The Stevens’s hadn’t really discussed Connor’s feelings before. Adam was the only one that _knew_.

Mrs. Stevens took a moment before once again speaking.

“Do you think Connor likes him?”

Adam was torn. Connor had told him and not his mother for a reason. On the other hand, she was his mother and Connor hadn’t said anything about not telling her.

“Yes… yes I think so.” He said before taking a sip from his, still a bit too warm, coffee.

Mrs. Stevens nods for herself, looking deep in thought.

“Good… that’s… good.” She tried, but Adam knows his wife. She wasn’t… sure about this yet.

“Honey…” Adam looks at her before continuing. “I’m so proud of you for these last weeks. I know you’re trying. For him. And for me.”

Mrs. Stevens suddenly tears up from out of nowhere. She curses herself that holding back tears was much harder for her than faking them.

“I do… I really do…” She’s sobbing. Adam leans over and holds her.

“Thank you… for not telling him… what you did… what you had to do…”

Adam holds her tightly.

“It was all you. You just needed to be reminded of how much _we_ love our son.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 _Flashback, the day after Connor coming out_  


“HE’S NOT LIKE THAT!” Mrs. Stevens is screaming at her husband as they are arguing in the kitchen.

“What are you talking about!? Yesterday you told him he was perfect! You think he told you he was gay because he enjoyed telling you so much!?” Adam was shouting but not screaming back at his wife.

“He’s just confused! He’s had a girlfriend! We shouldn’t just… accept this, he can change!” Mrs. Stevens sounded desperate, taking down her tone a bit. Struggling to keep it together.

“Listen to yourself… You sound like those idiots picketing gay right rallies…” Adam wasn’t shouting anymore, he felt tired. They had argued since Connor left for school an hour ago.

“I’m not like those people Adam! I just want what’s best for our son, FOR CONNOR.”

Adam almost snorted at that.

“You want what’s best for him? If he had heard you this last hour..." Adam shook his head slowely, feeling resigned. "It would break his heart. Break his heart.” Adam emphasized every word in his last sentence and with that he left his wife alone in kitchen with her thoughts.

_The following day_

Adam was doing some paperwork in his study. His wife had returned from dropping Connor off at Anchor Beach. As usual she was having breakfast by the kitchen table. When Adam figured she’d have enough time he opened the door to his study and walked towards the kitchen.

He could hear her the second he opened the door. Hearing her like that never made him happy, but this time… this time perhaps it was needed.

Adam stopped in the doorway leading to the kitchen. Mrs. Stevens was crying uncontrollable. Both palms of her hands against her forehead as tears was dropping down at the newspaper laying on the table that her elbows rested on.

Every cell in Adam’s body wanted to approach her and hug her and comfort her and tell her things to make her feel better. However, he needed to resist. This was for the good of his family, nothing was more important.

After a minute, Mrs. Stevens realizes that Adam is in her presence. She turns around and looks at him. Her face is red and full of tears. The make-up she put on this morning all but gone.

Adam gulps. Did he do the right thing?

Mrs. Stevens gets up from the chair and almost runs into Adam’s arms. Still not able to control her tears in any way.

“I’m so sorry… I…”

Adam holds her, stroking both hands against her back.

“I’m th-th-the wo-wo-wo-worst mother…” Her voice is cracked but Adam makes out the words.

Adam gives her a minute.

“You love him right?” He whispers in her ear between her sobs.

“Ye-ye-yes!” She almost screams.

Adam closes his eyes. He can’t fight his own tears any longer. These last few days hadn’t been easy on him. Seeing his son and wife on a collision course that could lead to… disaster.

“Then you know what you have to do…”

“Yes… yes…”

The Stevens’s holds onto each other for a long time.

When Mrs. Stevens has somewhat settled down she excuses herself as she needs to rest, feeling mentally exhausted.

Adam puts away the dishes and cleans up the table. He takes a look at the LA Times he had put on the table after his wife and son left this morning. It’s still laying on the table, page 4 and 5 spread open. He reads the opening sentence to the main article.

“16-year-old student commits suicide after being disowned by parents after coming out as gay”

Adam once again shrugs when he sees the picture of the young man, the resemblance to their Connor is uncanny.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 _Back to the living room, present time_  


“You shouldn’t have had to do that…”

“Don’t make yourself feel worse about it then you already do. You know it’s much harder to change your opinion later in life than it is learning it _right_ from the start. You’re trying, for him, that’s what’s important.”

“I’m trying for us… all of us. For him. For you… and for me.”

As Adam is placing a soft kiss on his wife’s lips, the doorbell rings.

“Hmm… who could that be?”

“Probably some kids trick or treating, take the candy bowl with you.” Mrs. Stevens says.

As Adam opens the door, ready to be impressed by a bunch of kids, he sees a familiar face he hasn’t seen in a while.

“Heeey! I’m heeeeere!” Melissa’s smiling from ear to ear while wearing a… not so _modest_ bunny outfit.

It takes Adam’s brain a few seconds to register what’s happening.

 _Shit._ There you go Adam.

“Who is it?” Mrs. Stevens joins her husband by the door.

“Hi!” Melissa greets Mrs. Stevens as she enters the house.

“Heey… Oh, right. You were still coming over? I thought when I hadn’t heard from you that…”

 Melissa cuts her off, somehow she’s apparently already found alcohol.

“Yeah of course! I didn’t want to keep in touch too much so Connor would get suspicious.”

“How did you get here…?”

“I took a taxi from the train station, I got your address remember.” Melissa’s laughing, for some reason. Probably alcohol related.

“You think you can drive me to the party right away? Can’t wait to see Connie again.”

“Umm… yeah…” Adam was trying to come up with something, Connor had to be warned that his ex-girlfriend was going to crash the party so to speak.

“I can take you.” Mrs. Stevens said before addressing her husband. “Meanwhile you can… call the plumber, you remember the one we talked about before.”

“Sure, yes. I’ll call the guy. Have fun Melissa…” Adam got it.

As his wife and Melissa got into the car Adam dialed Connor’s number. No answer. He tried again. No answer. After the third unanswered call he texted Connor.

“Melissa is coming to the party. I’ll explain later. Sorry.”

After trying Connor’s phone three more times Adam gave up, wishing that Connor’s Halloween wouldn’t be ruined.

 

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

When the girl, that Connor had told him a few seconds ago was named Melissa, put her lips on Connor’s Jude got up from the bed and just stared wide-eyed at the scene unfolding in front of him.

Melissa’s lips barely touched Connor’s before he shrugged violently away from her. She was still straddling his lap as he wiped away a mix of saliva and lipstick from his lips.

“What the-?!” Connor was in shock.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

Melissa laughed, clearly under the influence. She tried once again to kiss him.

“Who are you?” Jude had to know. His mind racing in all possible directions at the same time.

“She’s my… she’s my ex-girlfriend.” Connor replied before Melissa had the chance to say something.

“Oh…” Jude was not ready for that. Of course Connor could have had ex’s but why hadn’t he told Jude about it? No this didn’t feel right or good. Too much going on at the same time for Jude to cope.

“I’ll leave you two to… catch up.” Jude avoided Connor’s eyes that desperately searched after his.

“No Jude! Please don’t go.” Connor said.

“It’s alright, really.” Jude faked a smile before leaving the bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

“No Jude, wait!” Connor tried to get up but Melissa wouldn’t have it.

“He’ll be alright, now we really should catch up, how you’ve been?! I’ve missed you.”

Melissa was still a sore spot for Connor, he didn’t want to treat her badly once again. Seeing her cry, because of him… that image haunted him still.

“I’ve… I’m alright. But what are you doing here?!” Connor had a hard time wrapping his head around everything going on.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude just had to get out of there as soon as possible. He had to find Hannah quickly and then just get out. He wasn’t thinking, he just acted on instinct and self-preservation. There was too much going on, he knew he could shut down or perhaps something worse any minute.

He found Hannah sitting in the kitchen. He didn’t even care that she appeared pre-occupied with her thoughts, there was no time for being considerate.

“Hey Hannah I’m sorry but I have to go.”

“Wh-? What? No! What are you talking about?”

“Connor’s ex-girlfriend showed up and I… I need to leave. Please.”

Hannah took a look at him. His eyes screamed of desperation. This was not the time or place to try and talk sense into him.

“Ok. Go. But text me when you get home. Promise me.”

“I will, I promise. Thank you.”

Jude got out of the house and started walking home, it would take him at least thirty minutes but having time to think was exactly what he needed.

_Why didn’t he tell me? How long were they together? When did they break up? If she’s an ex… why did she kiss him? Are they still…?_

Jude’s mind wasn’t working logically at this moment, it painted up worse and worse pictures for Jude to suffer through. He just needed to get home. He wanted a shower.

_They are probably making out right now in that bedroom._

Jude hates himself in these moment. He hates that he always has to cry so much. He really should be used to it.  They say that what doesn’t kill you make you stronger right? Jude couldn’t help questioning that expression as he still felt far from strong…

Jude wasn’t paying attention to anything happening around him.

If he had, perhaps he’d noticed two drunk orange-skinned boys pursuing him from a distance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 37: Connor be fast" is up Tuesday the 15th
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr, add/msg me to discuss Waterloo or whatever.


	37. Connor be fast

Connor listened to Melissa going on about how she had got there and how she had kept it a secret for a long time. Apparently, his parents knew about it. They had some explaining to do when Connor got home, that was for sure.

“Hey Connor, you look good.”

“Thanks. You too.” He gave her a slight smile.

Melissa seemed to think that meant that leaning in and try to kiss Connor was the right thing to do. It was not. Connor turned his head to the side as Melissa’s lips got closer.

“I’m sorry… I’m a little drunk, sorry.” She giggled. Connor had seen Melissa drunk once before. He recognized her frisky ways from that time.

“It’s ok, it’s just… We’re not together anymore, it’s not… right.”

“I don’t care Connor… we don’t have to be together to fool around, I don’t mind.” Melissa smiled and once again tried to kiss Connor.

Connor stopped her by putting his hand on her shoulder, keeping her at bay.

“But I do… I’m sorry.” He gave her an awkward smile.

“Oh I’m sorry… Are you seeing someone?” Melissa looked… hurt. Connor didn’t like it.

“Yes… or no. Not really but…” Connor looked down at his lap, not really knowing what to say.

“But… you want to?” Melissa seemed to sober up quickly.

“Yeah… yeah, I do. Sorry.”

Melissa stood up and re-organized her tight dress so it at least covered up something.

“No no… it’s alright. No problem… God I’m so stupid, I shouldn’t be here. I should go.”

“No come on Melissa, stay. I mean… we were friends before. I like to be that again. Friends.”

Melissa hesitated a moment, clearly thinking something over.

“Yeah… yes of course. We had fun, right?”

Connor nodded. They did have fun together.

“Come on, there’s someone I like you to meet.” Connor stood up and headed towards the door.

“Well actually you’ve already met but I think the both of you deserve a proper introduction.” Connor chuckled as they exited the bedroom.

Connor introduced Melissa to the rest of the party. As Connor already knew, Melissa was a hit both with the girls and the guys at the party. She could charm anyone if needed, Connor knew from experience.

“Hey, have you seen Jude?” Connor asked Jacob who was standing with Mike, Daniel and Madison.

“Connor! Why are you wearing your cape like that, let us all see those divine abs!” Madison was drunk, plain and simple.

Melissa snickered, seeing her ex-boyfriend uncomfortable. He always got that way when being complimented for his looks in public.

“Umm… I don’t know. Haven’t seen him in a while. Ask Hannah.” Jacob replied.

“Ask me what?” Hannah had entered the living room without them noticing.

“Have you seen Jude?” Connor asked her.

“Hmm…” Hannah hesitated. Connor instantly knew something was up.

“Hannah? Where is he?” Connor was already worried.

“He had to go… didn’t really feel well.” Hannah avoided Connor’s eyes. She never was a good liar even though she was kind of telling the truth.

Chris came into the living room on not-so-steady legs. He had beer number... god only knows, in his hand and joined the conversation between Connor, Melissa and Hannah. 

"Did Jude leave?" Chris asked.

"Yeah... didn't feel well." Hannah repeated herself.

"Hey, haven't seen you before. I'm Chris." Chris greeted Melissa.

"Hi, nice to meet you. I'm Melissa." 

"And... who are you?" Chris didn't intend to sound rude but the beers seemed to edit out a bit of Chris's conversation courtesy. 

"Oh I'm... with Connor." Melissa gave him a smug smile.

Connor raised his brow over Melissa's choice of words. He looked over at Chris. Chris was not looking happy. _Shit, h_ _ere we go..._

"Excuse me?" Chris said as a response to Melissa's words but he was looking at Connor.

"Listen man..." Connor tried to cool Chris down. 

"You brought a girl with you? Fuck man, you're something else." Chris took a step towards Connor, the alcohol not helping his judgment along the way.

"Chris...?" Hannah said with a cautious tone, not recognizing the way her blonde friend acted.

“Hey it’s not what you th-.” Connor tried but was cut off by Chris who took another step towards him.

“You brought a fucking girl. You piece of shit.” Chris sounded disgusted just addressing Connor. Connor was getting pretty tired of Chris, still not over his comments about Jude earlier, but since they were in public he held back.

“Whoooooa!” Hannah stepped in between them.

The shorter Hannah was the only thing separating Chris and Connor who were glaring at each other. Melissa was observing the three of them, not quite sure what was going on.

“Chris, you’re drunk. Take a walk.” Hannah tried but Chris wasn’t moving.

Jacob had noticed the commotion and came up to them. At this point Hannah was almost being crushed between the two larger boys still looking at each other like they had killed each others pets or something. Hannah tried to keep them apart by pushing her hands against their chests.

“Hey what’s going on?” Jacob said looking a bit confused.

“I’m going to kick Stevens ass, that’s what’s going on.” Chris said, not breaking eye-contact.

“You will try.” Connor said, not backing down.

“Alright alright take it easy! Come on. Chill the fuck down.” Jacob joined Hannah in standing in-between Chris and Connor.

“Whatever this is about it’s not the time and place. Alright?” Jacob continued.

Connor and Chris continued staring at each other a few moments before Chris seemed to get a hold of himself. His aggressive stance somewhat receding.

As Chris was being escorted back to the kitchen by Hannah and Jacob, Connor couldn’t help thinking that this was the second time Chris had threatened him with violence. Both times, Chris had lost his cool regarding Jude’s well-being. Just because Chris’s other friends seemed to be blind didn’t mean that Connor was.

Connor joined Melissa without discussing what just had happened. Melissa didn’t push for answers and the two of them joined Mike, Daniel and Madison who were still talking.

“Hey, you seen Jude?” Madison asked Connor.

“No… he… he left, walked home.” Connor replied, probably not able to hide his disappointment.

Hearing that, Mike made an involuntarily noise in his throat.

Connor looked over at Mike. “What?”

Mike bit his lip and said nothing.

“Mike, what?” Connor wasn’t giving up.

“It’s just… I’m sure it’s nothing but…”

Connor looked at him expectantly, urging him to go on.

“Well it’s just I think I saw John and Scott outside earlier. I’m sure it’s nothing bu-.”

Connor was already running out the door, knocking everything in his way aside.

 

 <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

 

As Jude had imagined all types of horrible scenarios taking place in Hannah’s parents’ bedroom he got the feeling he was being observed.

He turned around and kept walking backwards. When he didn’t see anything, he turned back and continued the walk back to his house. He started walking faster, not able to shake the feeling that he wasn’t safe out here on his own.

He took a quick glance over his shoulder and this time he saw two figures trailing him. They seemed to notice that he’d seen them as a voice shouted after him.

“Hey Jude! Wait up! We want to talk to you…” All the air in his lungs disappeared and his already pale skin went white. It was clearly John shouting after him. This wasn’t good and Jude knew it. He kept walking even faster, trying to figure out what to do but he wasn’t thinking straight as he was too scared from what was to come.

Jude started running for all he was worth.

Unfortunately, he wasn’t fast enough. He could hear the footsteps running after him getting close as he was running through the empty streets of the residential neighborhood.

Jude gave up running and leaned his back against a large tree on the sidewalk. He looked up while trying to catch his breath. As he already knew, John and Scott were approaching him. The snide smiles on their faces sent a chill through Jude’s whole body. He started to tremble.

“Wh-what do you want?” Jude’s body was shaking. There was no one around and he could clearly see that the both of them were drunk.

“Take it easy… we just want to talk…” Scott said as they took slow steps towards Jude. John was wearing a backpack that he took off his shoulder.

“Leave me alone… please…”

Scott laughed. “No… I don’t think so. Not before we’ve had some fun.”

John continued, saying while smiling. “You know the only thing I regret from the beach is that we didn’t get it on camera… man I would have loved to see that over and over again.”

“Yeah, not making that mistake again.” Scott says.

Jude is scared. He looks between the two of them, waiting for them to make their move but they just stand there, clearly enjoying the situation. Jude tries to keep it together but his body is starting to fail him. He tried to be strong for once and he had already held out longer than he’d honestly expected.

John snorted loudly as Jude no longer could control his shaking.

“Look at him!” Scott laughed.

“Not so tough without your bodyguards are ya?” John said.

Jude’s legs were giving in. He leaned back against the tree and slowly sat down, as he couldn’t stand up any longer.

“Oh my god you are so fucking pathetic, why the fuck haven’t you killed yourself already?” Scott said, his tone started to become more aggressive.

Right now, Jude wished he had gone through with what he’d already considered many many times.

Jude closed his eyes, his jaw was shaking and warm tears were running over his cheeks.

“Wow we haven’t even started yet and look at him, this is gonna be so fucking sweet.”

“Hey start filming, we should have like a before and after.” John said to which Scott laughed at. Scott started fiddling with his mobile as John opened the backpack.

Jude was preparing for… well he didn’t even know. He just knew it was going to be bad, he could tell by the way John and Scott were acting, they had planned and thought about this for a long time.

He opened his eyes, in an attempt to prepare himself for what was coming. Then he saw it, in the distance he saw… movement? Yes, there was clearly something moving towards the three of them. It was moving fast.

John and Scott didn’t hear the running footsteps through their own laughter, the last thing John heard before his body was pushed with a mighty force to the ground was Connor’s voice.

“Don’t you fucking touch him!”

Everything happened so fast, Jude didn’t quite register it all. Connor grabbed Scott by his varsity jacket with both hands and lifted him so that his feet left the ground. From where Jude was sitting he saw that Connor’s eyes were completely black as he threw Scott towards John.

Connor turned to Jude and he fell to his knees in front of him.

“Are you alright?”

Jude nodded.

“Did they touch you?”

Jude didn’t say anything. Connor was so… angry. Jude didn’t like it.

“Did they touch you!?” Connor raised his voice, as he wanted to know. Jude flinched. Connor had never raised his voice to him before. Somehow, in all the chaos, Jude understood what kind of permission Connor asked of him.

“No. They didn’t. Connor, please don’t.”

Connor was still fuming, breathing through his nose. Connor looked over to John and Scott, they were still lying on the grass, clearly in pain. When Connor looked back at Jude, Jude said.

“Please Connor. For me.”

With that, Connor regained some control of his temper. His breathing became more regular as he even opened his mouth. Jude saw Connor thinking it over carefully before deciding. Connor nodded while looking Jude in the eyes as he stood up and walked over to John and Scott.

“Get the fuck out of here. If I see you two even look at him the wrong way I’m going to make sure you’ll never be able to play soccer again. Fucking idiots, get the fuck out of here.” Connor almost spat as he spoke in a tone that couldn’t be misinterpreted.

John and Scott got up without saying anything or looking at either Jude or Connor. John picked up his backpack before they ran away.

Connor returned to Jude and kneeled before him once again.

Jude sniffled and dried off his cheeks from his tears.

Connor wasn’t looking angry anymore. He looked… concerned. That hurt puppy look, Jude couldn’t grasp this absurd moment.

“Connor… are you sure you’re real?” He managed so say after a minute of trying to calm himself down.

Connor gave away a small laugh, obviously relieved that Jude hadn’t shut down completely.

“Yeah I’m sure. I promise.” He gave Jude a warm smile.

“And hey, I’m sorry for raising my voice to you. I… I didn’t mean to. I just got so… mad. Sorry.”

“Stop being so perfect…” Jude couldn’t even look Connor in the eyes.

“You… you rescue me like some kind of superhero and you’re apologizing? I… you can’t be real.”

Jude was shaking his head as he finally felt capable of looking at Connor.

“Hey… are you blushing?” Jude couldn’t believe it but he was actually already smiling, despite what had happened just a few minutes ago.

Connor looked away, he was also smiling.

“You can’t call me a superhero. It’s not fair.”

Jude snickered. “Are you kidding me? Your cape was even wavering in the wind when you were running. And don’t get me started on those leather shorts…”

Connor blushed even harder as he laughed.

“Hey we should get going, this outfit isn’t exactly _outdoor friendly_.” Connor said to Jude who still was sitting down by the tree.

“You’re right. I’m going to go home. I don’t think _they_ are going to try anything tonight so…”

Connor didn’t want to leave him like this, he really didn’t. For safety reasons Jude should be escorted. Yeah... safety reasons. Nothing else.

“Can I… walk with you? I can tell my dad to pick me up at your place.”

“You don’t want to go back to the party? I don’t mind Connor…”

“Nah not really. I rather just walk with you. If it’s ok?”

Jude nodded. It was far more than ok.

“So, shall we?” Connor said while offering Jude his hand to help him stand up again.

Jude looked at Connor’s hand. Just by looking at it he knew it would be warm. Jude was sure that Connor was always warm, even though being half-naked in the middle of the night.

He gave Connor a slight smile before getting up by his own accord.

As Jude got up he saw something lying on the grass, not far from where John had lost his backpack when Connor tackled him to the ground. When Connor looked away he picked it up. From the label on the plastic container he understood that it was some kind of industrial superglue. He didn’t know why but he hid it from Connor as he probably wouldn't like it, at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 38: Burned" is up Thursday the 17th
> 
> You know the drill -> tumblr.com/blog/awesomemarrcusuniverse


	38. Burned

They started walking towards Jude’s house. When they had walked in silence for a few minutes Jude looked over at Connor and saw that Connor was looking at him with a fond smile on his face.

“What?” Jude asked, trying to repress smiling himself at the sight.

“No… nothing.” Connor looked away and straight ahead, however unable to wipe the smirk off his face.

After a few minutes, Connor felt the need to discuss what had happened not long ago.

“Hey Jude… I know you might not want to talk about it but… We need to deal with John and Scott, you know that right?”

Jude didn’t say anything, he looked down. He always liked it when Connor used _we_ talking about the two of them but this time it wasn’t enough to make him feel carefree.

“I mean, what would have happened if I hadn’t been there? I… I don’t even want to think about it. If they had touched you…” Connor took a moment, clearly emotional just talking about this subject.

Jude was still silent.

“If they had touched you I wouldn’t have been able to control myself. And I know you don’t want that, but Jude I… I… I would have done it…”

Jude knew what Connor meant. He was probably right, he didn’t know what John and Scott planned to do but he had a pretty good idea.

“Perhaps you scared them off?” Jude broke his silence.

“You really think that? I just… I can’t be around all the time and-“

“It’s ok Connor. Even if they do something I can handle it, I’m…”

“Used to it…?”

Connor didn’t get a response as Jude lowered his head and went silent again. Connor didn’t push the conversation any further as Jude’s body language spoke loudly that he didn’t want to talk about this.

 

When they were getting closer to Jude’s house, Jude asked Connor.

“Hey you don’t think your dad’s going to think it’s… weird that you are at my place and not at the party?”

Connor snickered. “Trust me, he’s not going to be mad about it…”

Jude raised his brow, asking Connor without using words what he meant by that.

“He just… Let’s just say that he likes it when I hang out with you.” Connor couldn’t help giving Jude a nervous smile thinking about his father’s not so discreet attempt to get them together.

Jude wasn’t really sure what Connor meant by that but a smiling Connor was all he needed to forget about everything else.

There was one thing they silently seemed to agree on during the entire walk to Jude’s house. Their conversation in the bedroom, before Melissa used expert timing while barging into said room, was not to be mentioned.

Of course, both of them kept thinking about it which resulted in spontaneous huffs of repressed laughter that seemed to come out of nowhere.

During their walk they alternated stealing glances while otherwise walking in silence. If Connor was being honest he probably stole more than Jude did, but he couldn’t help it. Every time he did Jude noticed which made him blush and look down or away.

Even though it sure was chilly outside, neither Connor nor Jude felt cold despite their outfits.

Connor checked the time on his phone as they approached Jude’s house, it was after midnight and he should probably call Adam. Probably.

“So…” Jude said as they stopped in front of the few steps going up the porch to Jude’s house. Jude didn’t know why but suddenly he was nervous. It was so weird for him, these moments with Connor. One minute he was perfectly content just hanging out with Connor in silence and the next one he was fiddling with his hands having no idea whatsoever what to say to him.

“Yeah… Got you home safe and sound.” Connor said, once again he laughed slightly, feeling very nervous all of the sudden.

“You sure did. My superhero.” Jude said, giving Connor a close-lipped smile.

Connor scratched the back of his head before speaking.

“I should probably call my dad…”

Jude nodded. Even though the last thing he wanted was for Connor to leave it sounded… reasonable.

“You want to… come in, while waiting?”

Yes. Connor did want that.

“Yeah sure… if it’s ok with you?”

Jude headed up to the porch. “Of course… come on.”

Turned out, Connor would not regret taking the steps up to Jude’s house this cold Halloween night.

 

“Hey, you sure you’re ok?” Connor asked while taking off his shoes in the hallway. Jude seemed a bit lost in his thoughts.

“Yeah... yeah I am. It’s just…” Jude let out a slight puff of air before looking at Connor. “I can’t help thinking what would have happened if you hadn’t… been there.”

Connor couldn’t help thinking that either. He had a hard time not showing Jude exactly how much his blood boiled just thinking about if John & Scott had done something to Jude, besides scaring him. Connor has never been the aggressive type. He remembers Adam once using the word composed to describe him.

Problem is, Connor feels pretty fucking far from _composed_ when it comes to Jude. The prospect of him being hurt… Connor was in all honesty worried how he would act. How far would he go to defend Jude if he lost control? As Connor knew how Jude felt towards any form of violence, Connor was worried.

“I guess I’ll just have to be around you a lot more.” Connor said with a snicker. Jude once again made a mental note to thank Hannah for the blue make-up covering up his red cheeks.

“But seriously… Jude, you have to tell me, how often do they… do things?” Connor wasn’t sure which words to use.

They were still standing in the hallway and Jude shrugged before speaking.

“They haven’t done anything in a while, besides the name calling and…”

“And?”

“It’s just, it’s nothing really. They just always make up stuff about me, if someone for once talks to me… they make sure they don’t do it anymore.”

Connor tried to follow Jude but he didn’t quite get it as Jude talked quite quickly.

“What do you mean?”

Despite feeling low, having his mind in a dark place, Jude smiled internally thinking about Hannah dancing around and singing. He made the image disappear before answering Connor.

“They… they don’t want me to have friends. I don’t know why but they don’t. It’s always been like that. I had no one for so many years. They started when we were 9. When I moved here.” For once, Jude didn’t stutter over his words, he spoke quickly before his emotions would get the better of him.

Connor felt that anger rising inside of him… he needed to repress it. He looked at Jude. Jude, the one person in San Diego who Connor thought deserved nothing but happiness. How someone willingly would want to rob him of that… Connor didn’t believe in good and evil, but sometimes something close to the latter was easy to identify for him.  

Connor’s face fell. Jude was standing a few feet away, not looking at Connor.

“Jude…” Connor didn’t know what to say but he wanted to be closer to Jude so he took a step. As he did Jude continued.

“If Hannah hadn’t reached out…” Suddenly Jude was tearing up. Jude hated himself for it. Usually he could control everything but since Connor it was like things hidden deep inside kept re-surfing. They kept bubbling up in the most inconvenient times. Before, he could repress it. Now, all it took was a thought of a memory and everything came crashing down at him like a flood wave. 

Jude sat down at the bottom of the stairs.

“God I’m like those girls at the party…” Jude dried his eyes with his sleeves. “You know… crying from out of nowhere.” Connor sat down beside him. He didn’t know if Jude wanted to talk about it or if he didn’t. He felt so angry at himself that he never knew what to say to Jude to make him feel better.

“When did you and Hannah become friends?” Connor tried. He scooted close to Jude, of course without touching him. just wanting him to know he was there.

Jude sniffled before speaking. “When we were… 12, almost 13.”

“Tell me about it… how did you meet?”

Jude hesitated. He knew that the story of them meeting probably would make Connor feel even more pity for him. Jude didn’t like that. There was one thing Jude hated more, he’d learned since he’s done it once. Jude hated to lie to Connor.

Jude took a breath and started telling Connor.

“We had a project together once, and she was nice… that was it. But one day she…”

Jude took a moment.

“She waited for me.”

“Waited?” Connor asked as Jude seemed to have momentarily stopped talking.

“Yeah… she waited for me outside the bathroom. She invited me to lunch and we’ve been friends ever since.”

“Why did she wait outside the bathroom?”

Of course Connor would ask.

“Because I was… going there… with my tray.”

Connor gulped and something in his chest clenched. He wouldn’t make Jude talk anymore of it than he had to. Connor got it. Connor hated it, but he got it.

“So from 9 to… 13, it was just you?” Connor was fighting his own tears. How he wished he’d been there for him earlier.

 _Yeah… just me._ Jude looked over at Connor for the first time for quite some time. Connor’s face wasn’t the one of pity but rather of concern. Most couldn’t tell the two apart but for Jude the difference was massive. If Jude hadn’t known better Connor even looked… hurt?

He didn’t want to talk about those years. He’d survived. By some miracle, he had survived those years.

“No, I had Callie. Yeah, Callie was there for me.” Jude gave Connor a reassuring smile. Connor knew what Jude’s genuine smile looked like and this wasn’t it. While Jude sat there faking a smile to Connor his body told him once again and clear as day that he should never lie to Connor. He hated it, but this was not the time.

Connor searched Jude’s eyes. This wasn’t the time to tell Jude how beautiful he was but Connor couldn’t help to think just that. No, it wasn’t the time.

“You don’t have to lie to me Jude… about anything.” Connor’s kind face, looking at Jude with so much concern and… something else. Something good. That face… Jude liked that face.

“I know you. And I know that you think that not telling me is what’s… best, or something. I’ll never make you. But you don’t have to lie to me Jude. I… see you.”

There he was again. Connor Stevens. Breaking through those walls that Jude had put up there just to be able to stay alive. Jude knew that Connor wouldn’t want to sit here beside him, if he saw all that was Jude. Knowing that was the only thing keeping the cracking walls from collapsing.

“Thank you…” Jude made sure to look Connor in the eyes to show him how much he meant it. Connor saw.

“Can I show you something?” Jude asked after a few moments of them sitting there in silence.

“Yeah, of course.”

Jude stood up and walked up the stairs and Connor followed him up the stairs and into Jude’s room.

Connor sat down on Jude’s bed as Jude opened up his closet. Connor watched as Jude moved some stuff before taking out a box.

Jude joined Connor and sat down on the bed beside him.

“I’ve never shown anyone this before. It’s really nothing but I… I don’t know, I want you to see it.”

Connor nodded. Jude was clearly feeling very emotional. Connor could tell even before Jude had to dry his eyes.

Jude unlocked the box with a key and opened it up. He slowly opened the top of the box and reached into it. Connor didn’t want to pry so he looked away while Jude was picking something out of it.

Connor looked back as Jude closed the box.

In his small hand he was holding a silver pendant. Connor noticed that Jude’s hand was shaking. Not much, but it was shaking.

“It’s beautiful…”

“I got it from my mother, before she died.” Jude gulped while slowly stroking the pendant in his hand with his thumb.

Connor remember Jude telling him his mother died when he was just five. Jude probably didn’t have that many memories from his mother, Connor figured.

Jude opened up the cap to the locket. Connor looked at Jude as Jude was looking at the locket. Jude smiled fondly and a tear ran down his cheek.

“This is the only picture I have of her… of us. Isn’t she beautiful?” Jude said while handing the pendant locket over to Connor.

Connor looked at the small picture inside. It was a female in her thirties, Connor guessed, holding a small baby that apparently was Jude.

“I’m two weeks old there.” Jude laughed slightly.

“You were cute. And yes, your mother was beautiful.” Connor could easily see it was Jude’s mother. Even though the picture was small Connor could see the color of her eyes, it was the exact same shade of deep brown that Jude had. She had long curly chocolate brown hair. She looked happy. She even had the same nose as Jude, going slightly upwards at the tip.

Connor examined the locket. It was in perfect condition, even looked recently polished. As Connor flipper it over he noticed that the back of it looked damaged. As he looked closer it seemed like the back of it was scratched out by something.

Connor looked over at Jude that had an expression that Connor found hard to read. Connor flipped it back, Jude didn’t want to talk about it that much was certain.

He handed it back to Jude. As he put it in Jude’s hand he saw that Jude immediately smiled.

“What?” He asked.

“It’s warm…” Jude looked up in Connor’s eyes. “You’re always warm.” _Like the sun_. He left that part to echo in his mind instead of saying it out loud.

Jude broke their eye-contact and carefully put the pendant away. He locked the box and put it back in the closet.

“Thank you… for showing me.” Connor said as Jude sat down beside him on the bed.

“I know it’s kind of silly but… it means a lot to me.” Jude was putting so much effort into not breaking out crying, but it was hard.

Connor had no problem to see how much it meant to Jude.

“It’s not silly. It’s a good memory of her. You’ll always have it.”

Jude nodded.

“Yeah… always.”

After he had given Jude a moment there was one thing that bugged him. When Jude seemed to be ok he said.

“Hey… you said that was the only picture of her?”

Jude nodded, avoiding to speak.

“Ok but… how can that be? I mean…”

Jude knew what Connor meant.

“I don’t have anything of hers… or of my dad. That picture is it.”

Connor gave Jude a moment. Perhaps he should stop, but he wanted to know.

“But, what happened to all their stuff?”

Jude went silent for almost a full minute before he spoke again, or rather whispered.

“Phil burned it.”

Connor’s lips parted as he was taken aback by Jude’s tone that managed to reek of resentment, even while whispering.

“Wh-what?”

“Phil burned everything. As a punishment.”

For now, Jude left out the part that Phil made him watch his parent’s things and memories burn. He also left out the part that the experience had left him apathetic for a long long time. It was one of the worst memories of his life. One hidden away far back.

Still, it wasn't the worst one. The one Connor could never ever know about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 39: Two hearts" is up Saturday the 19th
> 
> If you want to discuss Waterloo or whatever, I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse at tumblr. It's mostly about Gavin. Ok, it's all about Gavin.


	39. Two hearts

Connor was almost in shock. He kind of had understood that Jude’s foster dad wasn’t Jude’s favorite person in the world, but him doing something like that? Burning Jude’s parent’s things?

“He didn’t know about that pendant. I’ve always kept it secret. From everyone.”

“But that’s crazy? Who would do such a thing? It’s messed up Jude.”

_If only you knew what messed up means in this house._

“Yes… yes it is. But nothing to do about it now. Please, can we talk about something else?”

Jude had opened up his heart more this night to Connor than he’d done with Hannah or anyone else in his entire life.

Connor was still processing things. He looked at Jude and Jude looked desperate in his need not to continue talking about this.

“Ok… but we’re going to talk more about it someday, ok?”

Jude nodded. Fair enough.

“You know I haven’t thanked you. For making your mom apologize to me. About Lena.”

Jude was changing the subject but he had really thought about saying this to Connor before. Connor was still thinking about what Jude had just told him about Phil. The things Connor wanted to do to that piece of sh-… Once again he had to shrug it off as Jude wanted to talk about something else.

“It wasn’t me. I didn’t tell her or anything. She apologized because she _wanted_ to.”

Jude looked surprised. “Really? Ok, that’s good. I just, I just didn’t think she liked me.”

Connor shook his head.

“It’s not your fault. It’s not _you_ she doesn’t like.”

Jude looked at Connor with a confused expression.

Connor looked down and sighed.

“My mom… Jude, my mom is not well.”

“She’s been in and out of hospitals… mental hospitals, for as long as I can remember.”

Jude listened as it was apparent that was what Connor needed.

“She’s trying but sometimes it’s just not enough. Managing my soccer career is the only thing she’s good at. The rest… not so much.”

Connor continued, talking from his heart. Connor leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

“They think I don’t know but I do. Every time she does something _right_ I know it’s really my dad that’s talked sense into her. I pretend it’s her but I know it’s not, it’s all him.”

“Just a few weeks ago I… told her something and she couldn’t handle it. I know it’s partially because she’s sick but it really… hurt me. And then a few days later it was suddenly ok. I know it was my dad. I don’t know what he did but it worked. Tough love perhaps.”

When Connor was finished he met Jude’s eyes. Jude saw that Connor’s eyes were glossy.

"Sorry... It's just, I've never told anyone before."

Jude was searching for something comforting to say, considering all the times Connor’s done the same, it was the least he could do. Connor beat him to it.

“Hey I’m sorry… I shouldn’t complain to you, of all people, about my parents.” Connor looked genuinely sorry. Jude knew it was because he was. He was sorry because he was perfect.

“No don’t be. I’m happy you told me. I want to know these things.” Jude replied.

Connor gave Jude a smile as a thank you for listening.

 

“Can I ask, what did you tell her that she couldn’t handle?”

Connor chuckled. That was the question now wasn’t it. Of course Jude had to ask it. Connor couldn’t lie to Jude but… telling the truth wasn’t that easy either.

“I mean you don’t have to tell me… I just…”

“No, no it’s ok. I’ll tell you.”

Connor took a moment, gathering his thoughts.

“Did you mean what you said before… that you don’t want to lose me as your friend?”

Jude nodded. “I did. I do mean it.”

Connor nodded as a response. He searched Jude’s face for a sign that he was lying. He found nothing of the sort.

Connor closed his eyes and forced down a gulp. He opened his eyes and looked straight into Jude’s. Before Connor had even opened his mouth to speak, Jude was transfixed by the hazel eyes looking at him. Connor's next words didn't help Jude's ability to do much advanced thinking.

“I told her. I told her I was gay.”

Not that Jude was doing much breathing before but if he was, he wasn’t any longer.

Connor looked at Jude nervously, trying to gauge his reaction. If Connor would describe Jude’s reaction with words they would be that he looked like a mix of surprised, scared and... something else, something Connor couldn't put words on.

After what felt like an eternity when Jude still hadn’t said anything, Connor needed to know.

“I hope that’s… ok.” Voice sounded small, far from the way Jude was used to hearing it.

With that, Jude was forced back into reality. He blinked several times and shook his head to clear it.

“Yeah. Yes of course. I was just… surprised, sorry.”

Jude was smiling. Jude didn’t even know it himself, it was entirely unintentional. Seeing Jude’s smile did the trick and Connor’s nervousness from before started to ease.

“Is your dad ok with it?” Jude wanted to know as he liked Adam.

Connor almost laughed out loud.

“Yes, he is very ok with it. In fact, I’m pretty sure he prefers it this way. Even though he’d never admit it of course.”

Jude snickered, he had a feeling Adam wasn’t the type of person to judge.

“That’s good. Adam seems cool. Must have felt good to tell him and to have his support?”

Connor nodded. “Yeah. Don’t know what I would have done without him.”

Jude understood. He was in all honesty so used to not being himself at home that he didn’t even consider it a burden most of the times. But sometimes, sometimes he allows himself to fantasize about living somewhere completely different from where he’s living now.

“How long have you known?”

Connor looked over at Jude.

“That you are gay, I mean. How long have you known?”

Connor hesitated a moment before answering.  _When I looked at you_ sounded a bit too cheesy even for Connor.

“Not long… In a way I think my dad knew it before I did.”

“When wa-.“

Jude was interrupted as Connor’s phone started to ring. Connor picked it up.

 

“Speaking of him… it’s my dad. Probably wondering when I’m coming home.”

Jude listened to the conversation, only hearing Connor’s voice do the talking.

“Hi dad.”

“I’m sorry, I forgot the time.”

“Ok…” Connor looked a bit bummed.

“Ok, I will.”

“No I’m…” Connor bit his lip. “I’m at Jude’s.”

Connor was shaking his head and closing his eyes while rubbing his eyeballs with his thumb and middle finger.

“Just stop.”

“Dad…”

“I’m hanging up.”

“Then just stop.”

"Yes he is sitting next to me."

Connor sighs.

"Please just stop..."

“No, he isn’t at home. I don’t know where he is.”

“Ok I’ll be here. Bye.”

 

Connor hung up his phone.

“He’ll be here in fifteen minutes.”

Jude nodded.

The two of them sat in silence, both thinking about what Connor just had said and what it meant. Connor had mixed feelings. It felt good to tell Jude that he had come out to his parents. Still, he could tell that Jude himself was conflicted about something.

When the silence had become uncomfortable Connor finally had to know something.

“Hey… did you mean it?”

Jude looked confused.

“Did I mean what?”

Connor bit his lip, Jude noticed the adorable jaw moving slightly before Connor spoke.

“That you liked me… like that?” Connor was nervous, Jude noticed that Connor’s voice became unsteady as he finished the sentence.

Jude looked into Connor’s eyes. He couldn’t lie to Connor even if maybe, maybe, this time it would have been for the best. This path is so dangerous, he knows, and not only for Jude. But no, Jude couldn’t lie to Connor looking at him like that.

Jude nodded.

Connor’s lips were instantly drawn upwards. He even let out a puff of air at the relief.

“Did you?” Jude looks at Connor’s face. He notices Connor’s hair, it’s a little out of place probably from the running earlier that night. He looks at his chin dimple and smiles internally before looking him into the eyes. Connor’s warm hazel eyes tells Jude everything he needs to know before Connor speaks.

“I did.” Connor is looking fondly at the shorter young man sitting beside him. He still got some blue make-up left on his cheeks and around the eyes but the rest is gone from wiping away tears. He looks at Jude’s nose and can’t help thinking how weird he is for wanting to kiss it before he once again is looking Jude in the eyes.

Of course he’s looked at them before. After all that’s what started all of this. However, this time, it’s different. Jude’s eyes are still huge and with the perfect shade of brown but there’s something there… a… spark. Something. Jude looks happy. He’s seen Jude smile and laugh, but has he seen this before? He’s not sure. That spark there is new for sure.

Jude still has a hard time placing how he feels about this. Well no he hasn’t, but the thing he’s still not getting is how this perfect boy who’s sitting on his bed this night could be real. Connor Stevens, the kindest, most caring and undoubtedly the best looking person in existence… is sitting here, telling him he likes him. Him, Jude Jacob, Mr. Nobody. Connor is even wearing an outfit to make him look even more like a greek god or something, like that needed to be spelled out. Jude's starting to feel dizzy.

Connor’s pulse was quickening. He and Jude were entering that place again where it was nothing else, he felt it the second it happened and everything else started to fade.

Just before it was too late Connor managed to snap out of it, there was something he had to do first.

“Jude, can I get your phone?”

As Jude was also semi-disconnected he needed a few seconds to process what Connor had said.

“Umm… what? Ok.” Jude stood up and went over to the desk where he’d left it before sitting down on the bed.

As Jude was getting his phone Connor also got off from the bed and walked up to the nightstand and picked up his own phone. Jude saw that Connor fiddled a few moments with his phone before pressing down on a button. After a few seconds Connor’s screen goes dark and Connor tosses his turned off phone on Jude’s bed.

Connor reaches out his hand to Jude as they’re standing close in the middle of Jude’s room.

“Unlock it and give it to me.”

Jude frowns but Connor seems to be serious.

“Trust me.”

“As long as you’re not checking browser history…” Jude says while snickering before handing over his unlocked phone to Connor. Not that he was kidding about the browser history.

Connor smiles before pressing down on Jude’s phone. When Jude’s phone goes dark Connor tosses it on the bed as well.

Connor looks back at Jude and the way he looks at him makes Jude’s heart skip a beat. Connor has a look of determination in his eyes. Jude cannot breathe, he has to tell Connor that he under no circumstances is allowed to look at him like that. It’s not fair.

“Why did you turn off our phones?” Jude's whispering.

“Not taking any chances this time…” Connor says while taking a step towards Jude.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 40: Genesis" is up Monday the 21st
> 
> After the next chapter we're entering the final phase of Waterloo. However, we still got quite a few chapters to go. This last phase will have some scenes that some will find disturbing but I assume you're all adults reading this.
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr, add/msg me to talk about Waterloo, Lord Gavin or something else


	40. Genesis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So hey everybody, with this chapter we hit 100k words. We'd never gotten to this point if it hadn't been for the massive amount of positive feedback on here and on tumblr. Thx a million, really. 
> 
> Let's see if we can celebrate the 100k milestone somehow. 
> 
> Where were we? Oh yeah that's right, Connor was approaching Jude..

Jude’s standing completely still, he’s more or less glued to the floor. The feeling from before Connor asked for Jude’s phone hits him like a ton of bricks, head first he's entering their world again. He has to look up some to meet the taller Connor’s eyes.

“I just have to know one thing Jude…” Connor’s whispering as he doesn’t trust his voice enough to speak right now.

Jude gulps, still lost in this world of theirs.  _What? Why? Who? Umm...?_

“Do you feel like I do… right now? This… thing… when it’s just us?” If Connor had prepared something to say he probably would have chosen better words, but Jude understood every last syllable of what Connor was saying.

Jude’s lips parts. He moves his head slowly, not knowing if he’s nodding or shaking it. He whispers back while looking into Connor’s eyes.

“I don’t even know where I am right now…”

Jude wasn’t lying. Connor could tell. If Connor wasn’t so nervous he’d probably snicker at Jude’s words.

Connor takes a small step towards Jude, their feet are all but touching. Jude can feel Connor's body heat.

Jude is scared. He doesn’t know why because he’s with the one person that makes him feel safe, but he’s definitely scared.

Connor looks down on Jude’s lips and by reflex he closes his own lips and wets them with his tongue.

Jude keeps looking Connor in the eyes. The rest of the room is blurry but Connor is radiating. Jude’s heartbeat becomes irregular when Connor slowly starts to lean down, still not breaking eye-contact.

Connor can’t take his eyes of the most beautiful boy he’s ever seen. He feels drawn to him in a way he’s never felt before. Jude had always attracted him, but this was something else entirely. This, this action of leaning down towards Jude is not something he’s doing by choice. It’s beyond his control. Jude has to focus on things he knows are real not to... well probably pass out. He focuses on smelling Connor's perfume, he focuses on feeling Connor's body heat and he focuses on... _Oh god Connor is so close._

As he’s done before, Connor stops when their faces are inches apart. He’s so close he can smell Jude. It’s a mix of his hair wax, his cologne and that thing that’s just Jude. Jude is standing completely still with his lips slightly parted. Connor’s eyes go from Jude’s eyes to his lips and back again to his eyes.

Connor asks for permission without using words. Jude gives it to Connor without using his. Even though he’s scared Jude gives it to Connor without thinking twice.

Connor takes a moment, because he needs to. The importance of this moment is almost making it too much for him. He just needed to take quick look at Jude’s plump lips and his body is on autopilot once again.

Connor leans in and closes the distance between them. Both of them closes their eyes the moment before their lips connect. Jude’s knees folds for a split second and he's forced to use all of his willpower to keep him from falling down. Jude probably gasped from the kiss but he’s not able to answer any questions right now.

When Connor’s lips lands on Jude’s, Connor experience a semi-familiar sensation. It’s the wave of electricity he’s felt the few times they’ve touched, only this time it’s running through his entire body a thousand miles per hour. Jude tastes sweet and for some reason Connor needs to smell him. His nose had never been that close to Jude and Connor needs as much of Jude as he can get.

Connor’s kiss is tender and chaste and Jude’s head is swimming. Connor’s kiss leaves him breathless and of course… of course Connor’s kiss is warm. Because Connor is always warm. Like the sun. Jude is not scared anymore. Jude is safe.

Connor wants nothing else but to deepen the kiss but he can’t. Even though his mind is almost blank there’s one thing that he forces himself not to forget about. He needs to be absolutely sure that Jude is ok with everything. It has to be perfect because everything about Jude is perfect to Connor.

After… well as usual neither of them knows, let’s just say after a while, Connor breaks the kiss and slowly pulls back from Jude’s lips. Did Jude just whimper? Connor might be hearing things.

After a few more seconds, Connor opens his eyes. He sees that Jude is doing the exact same thing at the same moment.

Connor doesn’t dare to breath and neither does Jude. Connor desperately searches Jude’s eyes for a sign that what he did was ok. Jude is impossible to read. Jude looks blank, and what Connor doesn’t know is that’s precisely what Jude is. The kiss from Connor’s warm lips made it seem like nothing else had existed before. Jude was now a clean slate.

Their faces are still close to each other when Connor starts to worry. His mind races with different thoughts, most of them variants of thinking he pushed Jude too far too quickly. Jude wasn’t ready and Connor was stupid and Connor has probably ruined it all before he even got the chance. Connor was on the edge of freaking out. If he’d ruined this, he couldn’t live with himself.

Connor forced down a gulp, his head was trying to form a sentence involving apologizing to Jude. Just when he was about to speak he saw something in Jude’s eyes, it’s that spark again. He doesn’t get any time to reflect further over it as Jude leans in and their lips are connected once again.

Connor is taken completely by surprise and gasps while Jude’s lips moves against his. Once again Connor register that they taste sweet. If Connor had some plan to play it cool it failed miserably. Connor smiles when Jude kisses him and he can’t help that he’s laughing slightly as the anxiety and doubts he had a moment ago is being kissed away by Jude.

Jude breaks the kiss and cool Connor whimpers as he already misses the taste of his lips. He opens his eyes and this time Jude is not impossible to read. Jude’s eyes are lit and he smiles while looking at Connor like he’s hung the fucking moon and the stars.

Connor can’t help himself from once again laughing slightly. He really can’t help it He’s bubbling and he just wants to laugh. Jude’s also on the edge of laughing, he’s not sure if it’s from his own happiness or from Connor’s reaction… doesn’t matter.

They’re still standing close to each other and they keep looking at each other while grinning like they won the lottery or something. Connor didn’t know what he expected from this moment but whatever he’d expected it had exceeded it times a thousand.

Jude exhaled, while still not breaking eye-contact he says, still smiling at Connor.

“Wow…”

“Yeah, wow…” Connor replies.

Connor looks at Jude and of course his brain stops functioning. Not sure if it’s been switched on for a while. Jude's eyes are sparkling and Connor's eyes examine Jude's face, from the perfect nose and the porcelain skin to Jude's prominent brow. Connor feels like he's falling and he’s most likely about to say something really really stupid when they hear a car pulling up on the drive-way.

The noise from outside brings Jude and Connor back to Jude’s bedroom. Still in their world, but reality starts to make itself known.

“That’s probably your dad.”

“Yeah… great timing.” Connor says sarcastically.

“I don’t know… it could have been worse.” Jude says and for some reason he blushes. He thinks the blue make-up is still covering it up but Connor sees the blush because the make-up is almost entirely gone from his cheeks.

Connor chuckles. “You’re right, could have been worse.”

“So… can I call you tomorrow?” Connor is for some reason asking for permission.

Jude’s still smiling from ear to ear, not even beginning to question if this is real or not cause honestly right now he doesn’t care.

“Yes, you’ll notice if I bother to pick-up.” Jude winks at Connor which earns him a laughter.

“So… I gotta go. Thanks for… you know, hanging out…” Connor, master of words, strikes again.

“So that’s what hanging out means? Didn’t know that but I like the concept.”

Connor’s time to blush. “Shut up… you know what I mean.”

“Yeah… yeah I do, sorry. Couldn’t resist.”

Connor’s looking fondly into Jude’s eyes once again. He takes a step towards Jude whose heart-rate instantly increases. Connor leans down and places a kiss on Jude’s cheek.

“Me neither.” Connor says before leaving Jude’s room.

When Connor closes the outer-door Jude collapses on the floor. He hides his face in his hands and he can’t stop giggling. He had just shared the first kiss of his life with Connor Stevens. He keeps shaking his head as he's still giggling on the floor. Jude couldn’t help thinking that all the bad days and dark thoughts Jude had survived before Connor had been worth it.

This night had made everything worth it.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor can’t for the life of him wipe the smile of his face when he leaves Jude’s room and goes down the stairs. He’s still smiling when he closes the outer-door. Seeing his father sitting in the driver’s seat waiting for him makes him compose himself as much as possible.

“Hey dad!” Connor says while jumping into the passenger’s seat. Turns out that Connor couldn’t hold back that much, Adam had no problem at all reading the positive energy beaming from his son.

Adam can’t stop himself from chuckling at his son.

“Had a good time?” Adam was asking the obvious.

Connor’s looking over at his dad. He can’t help it. Playing it cool wasn’t an option right now.

“Yeah… yeah I had.”

“I can tell.” Adam says while backing up the car before heading towards the Stevens’s.

“Hey sorry about Melissa, long story but we’re sorry. Both your mother and I.”

Connor didn’t even care about that. Worries? He had none.

“It’s ok, it worked out. Hey where is she, should we go get her?”

“I picked her up an hour ago. She’s already sleeping it off in the guestroom back home.”

“Ah ok, good. She was drunk when she got to the party.”

“Yes, I know. Can’t say I approve but at least she’s home and safe now.”

Connor nods. His mind goes back to the scene that just played out up in Jude’s room. Adam notices and of course he can’t give his son time with his thoughts.

“So… you got dropped off at Hannah’s…”

Connor smiles at his dad, obviously already knowing where he’s going with this.

“Yes.”

“And yet you end up at Jude’s in the middle of the night.”

“Yes.”

“And you had your phone turned off… And Jude had his phone turned off as well. I know because I tried you both several times.”

“Oh had we? Must have forgot…” Connor says teasingly.

“Hmm… Interesting.”

Connor nods, mostly for himself. “Yes, it was…”

Connor doesn’t say anything more after that which makes Adam frustrated.

“Well?!” He blurts out after a minute.

Connor laughs.

“Well what?” Connor surely has no idea what his father is talking about.

“Come on Connor I need this, tell me!”

“Tell you what?” Connor figures a bit of teasing is more than fitting.

Adam sighs loudly.

“You know what I mean. What happened? Did you work the Stevens magic? Did we get him?”

Connor snickers. “You know I can’t really remember… I guess I’m a bit tired.”

Adam sighs again, ever more loudly this time.

“Come. On.”

“I don’t know dad. Do you think you deserve it? I remember an extremely unnecessary banana comment a while ago...” Connor loves seeing his dad jokingly squirm. He knows he doesn’t have to tell him, but these moments with Adam are honestly among his favorites ones.

“I really just wanted to know if he liked bananas, I can’t see how that was so bad?” Adam is trying to look and sound innocent while keeping his eyes on the road. Not Adam’s most natural look, truth be told.

Connor thought for a while before speaking.

“Yeah yeah whatever dad…Well it turns out he _really_ like bananas.” Connor’s making an effort not to laugh.

“What!?” Adam opens his mouth in disbelief and stares at Connor. Connor gathers all his remaining strength in order to keep a straight face and not break out in laughter.

“Connor Stevens! Did you?! Di-did?” Adam is at a loss of words. Connor starts to crack… he can’t hold it in anymore. Adam’s reaction is priceless. As Connor breaks out laughing Adam finds himself a bit relieved.

“Asshole…” He says while chuckling. Adam puts his free hand on top of Connor’s and squeezes it.

“I love you son.”

“I love you too dad.”

As they are approaching their house Adam says.

“I should have known you know. Jude is a good and kind boy, not the one to have sex just like that.”

Connor nods while fondly thinking back to the best moment of his life.

“You, on the other hand, are not as trustworthy.”

“Dad! Rude!”

Adam laughs.

“Well it’s true. I mean you started masturbating when you were eleven, I can only imagine-.”

“Dad for-the-love-of-all-gods just stop talking.”

“What?” Adam is truly clueless.

“Can we not talk about… that. It’s not normal you know.”

“Do you want me to be _normal_?”

“No… no I don’t.” Connor really didn’t.

Adam pulls up on their driveway. Connor opens the car door, just before exiting he tells his father.

“By the way, I did kiss him. Twice.” Connor closes the door.

He can hear his dad’s muffled shout from inside the car.

“Oh come on!”

Connor smiles before he opens the door to their house.

It had been a good day.

It had been the best day in Connor’s life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 41: The hangover" is up Wednesday the 23rd
> 
>  
> 
> If you want to discuss Waterloo or whatever, I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse at tumblr.


	41. The hangover

Connor woke up early the following morning. He hadn’t gone to bed before 2 a.m. but he couldn’t sleep any longer. His body was probably tired but his mind wasn’t. When he walked towards the bathroom he glanced in the mirror, still not hanging straight mind you. He was smiling without knowing it. He looked at himself in the mirror before nodding as a way of congratulating himself over yesterday's bravery.

He took a look at his phone, it was 8 a.m. He wanted to call Jude. He wanted to call him so bad. He even had his thumb hovering above his name in the phonebook for a full minute. He put it down, it was too early. Jude was probably sleeping. _But what if he isn’t? No, stop it. Call him later._

It was too early to take a shower as he didn’t want to wake up the whole house. He made his way downstairs to get some breakfast. When he got into the kitchen he found Melissa sitting on a chair with her head resting on the kitchen table. She looked… not good.

“Good morning!” Connor was already beaming from before but he couldn’t help exaggerating his positivity.

Melissa grunted something inaudible. Connor snickered.

“You want some water? Painkillers?”

“Give me everything you got.” Melissa says, still with one of her cheeks resting on the table.

Connor pours a glass of water and gives it to Melissa along with two pills of Vicodin. Melissa lifts her head from the table to rest it in the palm of her hand. She drinks the water and swallows the pills.

“Thanks…” Melissa exhales and unfortunately Connor gets in the line of fire.

“God your breath doesn’t smell like roses Mel.” Connor snickers once again, finding Melissa’s appearance quite entertaining.

“I’ve never been this hungover before… It’s… insane. I didn’t even drink that much.”

Connor gave her a look of disbelief “Really? You were drunk when you got to the party Mel.”

“I know I drank so fucking much…” Melissa laughs at herself.

“Did you have fun at least?”

“Yeah I did… from what I remember that is. They were really nice, especially that Hannah girl. She called your dad to come and pick me up.”

“Yes they’re good people. I’m glad you got home safe.”

“No thanks to you.” Melissa says with a smile on her face before grabbing a hold of her head.

“Ouch… Feels like someone’s banging a hammer in there…”

Connor laughs before getting up to find something to eat.

“So Connie… when did you get home?”

“I got to bed around 2 I think.” Connor says while preparing some sandwiches. “You want me to make you one?”

Melissa nods. “Please.”

“You were at… Jude’s?”

“Yeah.” Connor says while nodding.

She takes a moment before continuing.

“Hey, I’m sorry for last night. I really thought it was a good idea to surprise you.”

Connor looks over at her, she seemed sorry.

“It’s alright, don’t worry about it. It turned out well, I was just a bit shocked I guess.”

“Yeah you looked shocked… And hey Con… I’m also sorry for, you know, trying to kiss you and stuff...”

_Oh she remembered that part._

Connor shrugged, really didn’t matter now. Connor joined Melissa at the table while serving her a sandwich.

“It’s alright. Really. You were drunk, no big deal.”

Melissa looks at Connor closely for the first time this morning.

“You’re happy…” She says without really thinking.

They sit there a while, just looking at each other. Melissa gives him a small smile before she speaks.

“Too bad I didn’t get to meet him properly.”

Connor’s seen this before. The way she’s looking at him right now, analyzing him. She’s looking for a reaction.

“Meet who?” Connor tries and it is Melissa’s turn to snicker.

“The one you almost got in a fight over. The one you ran after last night. The one you walked home with.”

“Oh, you mean Jude?” Connor tries to sound casual but he’s kind of already smiling at his ex-girlfriend. She never was stupid now was she.

“Yes Con… I mean Jude.” She’s returning the smile.

They sit there, looking at each other, and both their smiles keep growing and growing. Connor can feel that he’s starting to blush so he looks down at the table before giving out a small laugh.

“Oh my god you got it bad Con!”

Melissa’s laughing a few seconds before stopping. She grabs her head with both hands.

“Aaaaouw… Not a good idea to laugh.”

“You’re not, surprised?”

“Well… I didn’t know until yesterday. But the thought had crossed my mind before. I just, pushed it aside while we were together I guess.”

Connor’s smile faded. Melissa didn’t look upset but Connor had some explaining to do.

“You know, I didn’t know when we were together. Honestly. I didn’t know until… Jude. I really did… do like you.” Connor made sure to look her into the eyes and show her he did mean it.

“Yeah I know you do Con. God you’re still like this.” Melissa shakes her head, slowly in order to avoid making her head explode.

“Like what?”

“Like this. You care so much about others that it’s… frustrating. You know my mom warned me about you.”

“What? She did? I thought she liked me?”

“Oh she loves you. But when I told her you didn’t want to have sex with me she was certain you had something to hide. She thought you were too nice and… perfect.”

Connor really didn’t like that word. He was fucking far from perfect.

“By the way, do your parents know?”

Connor nodded. “Yeah, they do. I told them a few weeks ago.”

Melissa got up from her chair and walked over to Connor. She put both arms around him and hugged him tightly.

“Sorry but I need to hug you Con. I’m so happy for you. You deserve this. You deserve everything Con.” Melissa was getting emotional. Connor could tell as her voice cracked a few times. She's probably still a bit drunk, Connor reasons.

Connor returned the hug. He had missed her as they could talk about almost everything. She knew things about him no one else knew. Not even Jude.

“I’ve missed you Mel…”

The ex-couple were hugging each other tightly when Mrs. Stevens entered the kitchen. They released their grip of each other. Melissa looked over at Mrs. Stevens who had a suspicious expression on her face.

“Don’t worry, he’s still gay.”

Mrs. Stevens were taken by surprise and looked shocked for a second before regaining her posture.

“Oh, you… told her?”

“Yeah. Well, she kind of figured it out on her own.” Connor smiled at his mother. She wasn’t smiling back.

“Ok… I just didn’t know you… we… told people.”

Connor gave her a questioning look.

“Yet. That we told people yet.” Mrs. Stevens replied to her son’s body language.

Mrs. Stevens gave Melissa a hug and looked at her with concern.

“How are you feeling? You look a little… tired.”

“I’ll be fine. I got some painkillers from Connie and they’re starting to kick in.”

Melissa sat down on her chair again. Mrs. Stevens were going through the fridge when she addressed Connor again.

“Hey and what was it with your father last night?”

“Huh? What do you mean?” Connor looked confused.

“I can’t remember the last time I saw him as happy as when he came home last night. Couldn’t stop smiling.”

Connor snickered. _Oh course he couldn’t…_

“Gooood morning family!” Adam was beaming when he made his entrance. He kissed his wife on the cheek and put on the coffee maker.

“Morning’ Adam” Melissa gave him a wave.

“Morning sunshine, how are we feeling today?”

“Like I deserve.” She replied flatly.

Adam chuckles.

“I figured. And how is Stevens Jr feeling, had a good night sleep?”

“Oh yes, I dreamt very sweet dreams.” Connor gave him a cocky look, he felt like teasing his father.

Adam looked over at Melissa. He couldn’t wait for her to return to Arizona so the interrogation process could begin. For now, he had to play it cool.

“That so, what about?” Adam was taking out coffee mugs for him and Mrs. Stevens.

“Mostly about last night.” Connor was giving his father a teasing look.

Adam cursed internally. Where could junior have learned such skills?

“Yeah and by the way dad, we’re out of toilet paper.”

Adam looked at his son, now he was just being smug. _Really Connor?_

The two females observed their weird conversation. Adam was not looking happy but Connor was. When Connor figured Adam had been tortured enough he said.

“Dad, she knows. Melissa knows.”

Adam alternated between looking at Melissa and Connor, he had to be 100 % sure what Connor meant and his son noticed.

“About Jude. About me… being gay. She knows.”

“Oh thank god I don’t know how much longer I could have waited.” Adam exhaled.

“You’re ok there Melissa?” Adam said, Connor’s caring ways taught from father to son.

“Yeah I’m good. I’m happy for Connie. He deserves it.” She gives Adam a reassuring smile. She really was happy for him.

Adam and Mrs. Stevens joined Melissa and Connor by the kitchen table. Adam’s enthusiasm could be seen from the freaking moon even before he spoke.

“Well, tell us! How was it?”

Mrs. Stevens frowned. “How was what…?”

“Connor wasn’t at the party when I picked him up.” Adam couldn’t stop smiling. Not that he was even trying.

“And where was our son, that we trust completely?” Mrs. Stevens inquired.

“He was at Jude’s. Alone. Just the two of them. And Connor told me that they-” Adam spoke slowly, building up the suspense before he was interrupted.

“Oh my fucking god did you have sex!?” Melissa blurted out, clearly smiling even though she covered her mouth with her hand.

Connor’s mother’s eyes went wide open and she gasped for air.

“No! No no no we didn’t have sex. Jesus you guys.” Connor had to intervene.

Mrs. Stevens was panting while she whispered, half-jokingly half-seriously “Thank god…”

“Really? Two 16-year old boys going home together from a party. Alone.” Melissa didn’t sound convinced. Before Connor could respond Adam did.

“No Jude’s not like that Melissa. Connor needs to take it slow with him. He needs time.” Adam said matter-of-factly.

The other three looked at Adam, he looked back at them. “What? He does.”

Adam doesn’t understand why the three are looking at him like that, smiling like fools.

“Nothing… I’ve just, god I’ve missed you Adam.” Melissa said fondly.

“So, what happened sweetie?” Mrs. Stevens asked of him.

Connor blushed and started playing with his fingers that were resting on the table.

“Umm… we kind of… kissed.”

Connor’s parents and Melissa smiled instantly. Not that hearing about a kiss is that big of a deal but it was the way Connor looked while he told them. They could all tell that Connor had created a memory for life last night. Perhaps Melissa somewhere deep inside was hurt that Connor never looked that way at her, but it was overshadowed by the importance of his apparent happiness.

“Come on, details!” Adam was worked up. His wife looked at him, she couldn’t help thanking god that she’d met Adam Stevens all those years ago. She looked back at Connor. She needed to do this for him.

“Yeah sweetie, details!” She filled in.

Connor looked over at his mother. Hearing her say that. It meant a lot. He was brought back to this _situation_ which he did find awkward. He groaned.

“This is not normal you know that right? Talking about this, with you?” He tells them all.

“Come on Con, please.” Melissa urged him on, knowing full well of Connor’s inability to say no.

Connor looked at them. They’ve always been special that way, the way they could talk about almost everything.

“Who kissed who. You kissed him right?” Adam couldn’t wait.

Connor hesitated a moment before breaking out smiling again. He nodded. “Yeah… I kissed him.”

“I knew it!” Adam clenched his fist in some sort of victory gesture from being right.

“I had decided. But I was so nervous, I thought I was going to pass out…” Connor started, not really looking at any of the others in the kitchen. Connor was looking back at last night, grasping at every memory.

“Somehow I… I don’t even know. It’s always like this with him. I’m a mess and I don’t know what I’m doing but my body keeps on moving on its own. I had to go really slow, he looked scared but he didn’t pull away.”

Connor’s heart-eyes filled the room. They all waited for him to continue.

“So I leaned down, and I kissed him and…”

“And?” Adam and Melissa said in unison.

“And I don’t know what to say. It was the best mom-… No, it was the second best moment of my life. I think my brain shut down or something because it’s like… blurry but clear at the same time. Super weird.”

“I was still worried though, that I had pushed him too far. So I didn’t dare to kiss him that long. When I pulled back and looked at him… I think my brain shut down again because I can’t even remember how he looked like. And then…”

Connor paused and smiled widely, even showing teeth. He still looked deep in thought, reminiscing about the previous night.

“Then he kissed me back. And…” Connor had to take a breath. He was emotional drained, in the good way, just thinking about it.

“And _that_ was the best moment of my life. He… kissed me back. Can you believe it?”

Mrs. Stevens, Adam and Melissa couldn’t hold it back any longer. They wanted to let Connor finish but it was hard not to get emotional when he stripped down and showed them openly exactly how his heart felt.

They all got up and embraced Connor in a hug. He couldn’t stop smiling, he felt loved. A bit squished, sure, but loved.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude was on his knees scrubbing the bathroom floor. He had noticed that some of his blue make-up had somehow made it to the bathroom floor, probably from when he showered. He had already vacuumed the house twice and made sure no evidence of him being out at a party was to be found.

He tried his best to concentrate on the task at hand but memories from the previous night kept surfacing. He found himself zoning out and smiling thinking about Connor’s lips on his own. For the millionth time he cleared his mind and continued the scrubbing.

Still on the bathroom floor upstairs, Jude hears a car pull up.

_Shit he’s early. Shit shit shit._

Even though Jude’s already gone over the house several time he gets stressed. He washes his face and tries to fix his hair and clothes so that he looks casual and normal. Jude walks down the stairs just in time for Phil to open the door.

Jude greets Phil welcome home. Phil just nods as a response. Just before Jude’s about to excuse himself and go back up to his room, Phil asks.

“What did you do last night?”

Jude freezes. Phil usually don’t ask these things of Jude. Not the first time these last few weeks that Phil’s been acting a bit out of the ordinary.

“Umm… I was with Connor. At their place.” Jude hadn’t even thought about what to say if Phil would ask him so he just said the first thing that popped up in his head.

Phil looked at Jude for a few moments. Jude didn’t like the way he looked at him.

“Jude come with me, I want to talk to you.”

Jude got a lump in his stomach. He kept telling himself that he hadn’t done anything wrong, there was nothing for Phil to punish him over. He walked after Phil who opened the glass door leading to the porch on the backside of the house.

Phil gestured for Jude to sit down on the wooden sofa that was pushed against the wall on the porch. Phil grabbed a bottle of whiskey and a glass from the nearby cabinet.

Jude didn’t want to be here. With him. He thought they had a mutual understanding to avoid as much contact with each other as possible. Jude kept repeating that he had nothing to be afraid of, he hadn’t done anything wrong. Still, Jude was afraid. Phil had something to say and that was never a good thing.

“The meeting this weekend was productive.” Phil started while pouring up a glass of whiskey. Jude didn’t respond.

“We talked about which candidate to support… we’re a mighty force let me tell you. Us devoted Christians working together.”

Jude could barely hold back showing his resentment when Phil called the hate groups that gathered once in a while for devoted Christians. Even if he was an atheist he found it to be such an insult to _real_ Christians. Jude had to make that distinction. The thing that Phil was and a _real_ Christian, two very different things.

Phil looked over at Jude, expecting some kind of response.

Jude forced himself to nod and acknowledge Phil with an “Ok.”

“We also talked about another thing.” Phil took a sip from the glass before looking back at Jude.

“Deviants.” He continued. Looking at Jude like he was disgusted. Not that it was something new to Jude.

Jude gulped. Speaking was probably not a good idea right now.

“Let me tell you if it was up to us, they should all be rounded up and been _taken care of_.”

 Jude was taking shallow breaths through his nose. Phil was making a point. He wasn’t talking randomly, he never does.

“You know everyone there think it’s your Christian duty to… _take care_ of such creatures yourself if they were, say in your own family.”

Phil finished off his whiskey in one gulp. They sat there in silence a few moments. Phil seemed to enjoy the beautiful sunny Sunday. Jude did not feel any joy at all. He was still taking shallow breaths and didn’t move a muscle.

This was bad.

Phil finally broke the silence.

“You think about what I said Jude. You think really carefully about that.”

He stood up and left. Jude kept sitting on the sofa for quite a while, not able to gather the strength to even stand up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 42: Boys will be boys" is up Friday the 25th
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr, add/msg me to talk about Waterloo, Lord Gavin or something else


	42. Boys will be boys

Connor and his parents were saying their goodbyes to Melissa as they dropped her off at the train station. It was Sunday afternoon and Connor and Melissa had spent the day filling each other in on their respective lives. Melissa had told him that she wouldn’t say anything about him being gay to his friends at home. Connor said he didn’t care if she did.

It had been good and nice to see Melissa again. Despite that, Connor was more than happy seeing her get on the train as he picked up his phone and called the one he’d wanted to talk to all day.

After a few rings, Jude denied the call. Connor just shrugged and figured he’d just try him again later since he obviously was busy. When Connor got into the car he received a text.

“Sorry, can’t talk today. We talk tomorrow at school, ok?”

Connor couldn’t help feeling disappointed. He had been looking forward to this since to woke up this morning after all.

“Ok. Is everything ok?”

“It’s ok. Phil is just being weird. Talk tomorrow.”

“Ok I understand. Miss you :)”

“:) Miss you too.”

Connor still wanted to hear his voice. God how he wanted to hear his voice. That last text did however make Connor smile and brought a warm feeling to his chest. Possibly slight on the left side of his chest. He could wait until tomorrow. Probably.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude was sitting on his bed texting with Connor. Seeing Connor’s text telling him he missed him brought a smile to his face for the first time since Phil came home several hours ago.

Jude’s mind had been working nonstop for a long time now. He had so many things to think about and consider that he didn’t even know where to start. This thing with Connor, that had only been a thing, a fantasy. This thing was miraculously turning into something real. He never in a million years thought it would.

He didn’t want to have to think about what this could mean. What he would have to do. What Connor would have to do. He just wanted to think about the fact that Connor had given him the first kiss of his life. He had his first kiss not 24 hours ago in this very room. _That_ is what he should be able to think about, nothing else. Unfortunately, reality was not that kind to Jude Jacob.

His mind was still racing. If only Connor wouldn’t have come along. His plan had always been to survive the years in this house and afterwards his life could begin without any lies or facades.

Now, Connor was here and he couldn’t even imagine a life without him. He snorts at himself. How pathetic he is. This thing with Connor, he shouldn’t feel like this already. It’s happened too fast. _Can’t imagine a life without him._ He repeats in his head mockingly. If only it wasn’t the truth though, if only.

Problem is, a life with Connor can never be. If Connor knew everything about Jude and of his past, not even his superhero would stay. Connor was a saint for sure, but not even he would stay…

_Or would he? If anyone would stay it would be him… No, stop it. You know better Jude._

_But he’s perfect…_

_Yes, he is. But you are not. He made sure of that a long time ago._

Jude shook his head, he had enough problems to think about to let his internal dialogues take over what was left of his sanity. Jude walked into the bathroom and took off his shirt.

He’s done this so many times before but for some reason it’s even harder this time. He knows why. He’s reminded of why his heart doesn’t even stand a chance. Connor will break it unwillingly.

He trails the fingers on his upper body and chest. He closes his eyes when a split-second memory flashes before his eyes. A horrible memory. He can’t believe it still hurts, just thinking about it. He regains control and opens his eyes again, staring into the mirror.

_You’re disgusting. He made sure of that._

Jude puts his shirt back on. He notices that he’s got tears running down his cheeks. He’s almost amused that it seems that it’s so common that he doesn’t even register when he starts crying. He lies down on his bed and picks up his phone. He hesitates. He hasn’t done this in a long time but he needs to.

He types in a text and sends it to a number not in his address book.

“Hey it’s Jude. I need to see you.”

It takes several minutes for the recipient to reply.

“Jude. Long time no see. Name the time and place, I’ll be there.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Callie called, as she always did on Monday mornings. Both of them were polite to each other but no more than that. Jude didn’t have the energy to engage her and she didn’t know what to say. It had been one of their more awkward conversations. Jude didn’t even mention Connor to her. She didn’t deserve it he figured.

Jude and his four friends are as usual walking to school together. Madison is going on about all the embarrassing things she did at the party. Melissa seemed to have made an impression, she and Hannah had even texted afterwards. All in all, the party had been a hit.

“Hey Jude, why did you leave so early?” Ashley asked, being a little out of the loop.

“I just didn’t feel well. Didn’t want to make you all sick if I was coming down with something.”

“Ok. Don’t know if you’ve heard but you missed Connor and Chris having some kind of fall-out.” Jacob said.

That peaked Jude’s interest.

“Umm… no I didn’t hear.” Jude was afraid to ask but he did it anyway. “What about?”

“Don’t know. I think it was about Melissa because Chris was angry about something to do with her. Perhaps Connor was jealous or something.”

Jude made a mental note to ask Connor about it.

“I don’t know. Chris almost seemed angry at Connor for bringing her at all. It was super weird.” Hannah had been sober and she still couldn’t wrap her head around the situation.

“And shortly thereafter Connor left, and after that Chris left.” Jacob stated.

“Boys will be boys.” Madison said and they all agreed.

Jude was relieved when the conversation drifted towards other topics.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The gang had split up when they arrived at Anchor Beach. Jude was deep in thought as he made his way towards his locker.

His troubled mind and expression needed but a second to be blown away completely. When he looked up to orientate his way to the locker he saw him. Connor had already seen him as he was leaning on Jude’s locker. When their eyes locked Connor’s smile filled all that was Jude. Jude had to hinder himself from laughing and running towards Connor.

“Hey you…” Connor said as Jude approached him.

Jude was already blushing just looking at Connor. _Where did this come from? God I’m awkward…_

“Hey you…” Jude replied while taking in Connor’s appearance. Connor was wearing a dark blue short-sleeved shirt tucked into his tigh-… into his jeans. Jude liked the belt… yes, it was a nice belt. Jude looked up again. _Yes… awkward it is._

“Had a good Sunday?” Connor asked.

Jude shrugged, he really hadn’t.

“I had a better Saturday.” Jude replied giving Connor a sly smile.

Connor snickered. “Yeah, me too.”

“I don’t think it’s fair to compare any day to Saturday.” Connor said.

Jude shook his head, neither one of them breaking eye-contact.

“No. It was… a really good day. Well when I think about it the best part actually happened on Sunday.”

Connor was confused for about two seconds, his mind still occupied with just looking at Jude’s perfect face. He had to make an effort not to constantly flicker down his gaze to those plump lips, the lower one fatter than the upper one. Oh yes Connor could probably draw a picture of Jude's lips blindfolded.

“Yeah you’re right. Early Sunday was pretty awesome.”

“It was…” Jude was a goner.

After just looking at each other in a comfortable silence, Connor finally said.

“You know I think I might need tutoring again. Soon.”

Jude laughed, mostly at the way Connor’s eyebrow went up suggestively.

“I guess we have to have a session then. Can’t have my student flunking any subjects now can I?”

“No. Imagine the shame. So… my place, after school?”

“I can come over after dinner, if that’s ok?”

“Yeah sorry, forgot about that…” Connor gave Jude a sympathetic look.

“It’s alright. I’ll text you when I hop on my bike.”

“Great! I have to get to class, see you tonight then.” Connor is grinning when he starts to walk away from Jude.

“Hey Connor, which books should I bring?”

Connor turned around and looked at Jude, he shrugs. “Doesn’t matter.” Connor’s smile is infectious and Jude returns it.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“I’m on my way!”

Jude puts down his phone in his pocket and puts on his helmet. He had just told Phil that he was going to Hannah’s. He didn’t want Phil to know about he and Connor hanging out more than necessary.

He had already informed Hannah to cover for him if needed. She didn’t like it, he noticed. She didn’t care about lying to Phil, no that wasn’t it. He could tell that she was worried about him. For now, Jude didn’t care, he just wanted to be around Connor again. He… needed to stay in this fantasy a while longer.

Jude’s bike had never gone faster than it did this Monday afternoon.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“Please dad!”

“Nope. Not a chance.”

Connor groaned.

“Sweetie you can’t kick us out on such short notice. Your father has work to do.”

“He just wants to be here so he can embarrass me!”

“I am hurt that you would even think that about me.” Adam said jokingly.

“Your father will behave.” Mrs. Stevens looked over at her husband. “Won’t you dear?” She gave him a look. Their son needed to be able to calm down as he was on the edge of freaking out already.

“I will. Don’t worry.”

Connor sighed. His parent’s weren’t yielding.

“Fine… But you are not to come into my room.”

The Stevens’s looked at each other awkwardly.

“What?” Connor noticed.

“Umm… your mother… and I would prefer if you left the door open.”

Connor knew this wasn’t Adam’s idea.

“What!? Are you kidding me? Why?”

“Well you’ve kissed…” Mrs. Stevens started.

“So?! You only know because I told you! I can’t believe this.” Connor was starting to get upset.

“Calm down son it’s not that big of a deal.” Adam tried to soothe him.

“Yes it is! It’s not fair. We’re just going to study!” Connor was for once sounding like the teenager he was and not his normal mature self.

The Stevens’s looked at each other once again. Adam gave his wife a silent pleading look, she gave him a small nod.

“Ok… we leave you two alone and you can have the door closed. But you have to tell us if things… progress. Deal?”

Connor didn’t like it but time was running out. Jude was already on his way.

“Fine. Deal.” Connor shook his parent’s hands, as custom demanded when they made a deal.

Connor was going back up to his room when he remembered something, he looked back at his father.

“And promise you won’t embarrass me.”

Adam smirked. “Sorry son, not part of the deal.”

Connor just sighed loudly and walked upstairs in defeat. Life was unfair. Adam laughed seeing his son’s retreating figure going up the stairs.

Mrs. Stevens looked sternly at her husband.

“Really Adam can’t you give him a break. It’s hard enough being sixteen without having your parents meddling with your love life.”

“I know I know. I can tell having Jude over tonight means a lot to him. I’ll be good. That doesn’t mean he has to know that.”

His wife just shook her head. “You’ll never change Adam Stevens…”

Adam chuckled. After a few minutes of them reading in silence he asked her.

“Hey, you ok?”

“Yes why shouldn’t I?”

“This… our son, having a boy over. You know as much I do they won’t study all night.”

Mrs. Stevens gulped. She had preferred thinking that her son wasn’t doing anything other than study, it was naive of course, deep down she knew that.

“He’s a good kid you know. Jude. I’ve never met a boy as kind as Connor before I met Jude.”

Mrs. Stevens nods. “I know… I haven’t talked to him much but I can tell. He seems nice.”

“And Connor likes him. _A lot.”_ Adam emphasizes the last part.

“What do you mean?”

“He told me… about the time he first saw him…” Adam paused a moment before going on.

“Let’s just say that I don’t think our son just have some crush.”

“Adam… he’s only sixteen.”

“And I’m forty-five. I’ve seen and heard a lot… But I’ve never heard anyone talk about another person the way Connor talks about Jude.”

The Stevens’s look at each other a few moments. Mrs. Stevens can’t fight the smile creeping up on her face as she’s observing her husband.

“What?” Adam asks.

“Oh just you… being you. Always the hopeless romantic. How did I become so lucky?”

Adam smiles softly, reaching out for her hand.

“You know why… angeleyes.”

Mrs. Stevens almost blushes. It has been long time ago since he last called her that. On the other hand, it has been a long time ago since her family were this close.

They sit in silence for a while. And as it sometimes does, Mrs. Stevens mind start to race. She’s been told from several _experts_ that it’s something that she has no control over.

“Thank you… for staying.” Tears building up in no time, it had happened quite often since the move to San Diego.

Adam tightens the grip of her hands.

“What are you talking about. It’s _us_. It’s you and me and Connor. It’s always going to be _us_.”

“You didn’t sign up for this… for me. I wasn’t like this when we met. I was… not sick.” Tears were running down her cheeks. She frees a hand from Adam’s grasp and wipes her face.

“Honey… I did sign up for this. A long time ago. In sickness and in health. Remember?” Adam talks slowly, the way he needs to do to be able to talk her down. He need her to listen to the words.

“God… I’m sorry. I know Jude is coming over soon. I want to say hi to him. For Connor. I’ll go and freshen up.”

Still not 100 % stable but Adam had succeeded, she was in control again.

“Take your time honey. If you feel you can’t right now you can always tell him goodbye when he leaves.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude is panting when he dismounts his bike outside the Stevens’s. Jude panting doesn’t mean that much. Stamina isn’t his strong suit but he had made an effort to be at Connor’s as quickly as possible.

He takes off his helmet and walks up to the front door. He takes a few deep breaths before ringing the doorbell.

Adam opens up and welcomes him with a wide smile.

“Hey Jude, welcome! Come on in.”

“Hi Mr. Stevens, nice to see you.” Jude is standing up straight, he’s planning to make a good impression. Even though it isn’t the first time he’s meeting the Stevens’s this time it feels important to Jude. Wonder why.

Adam notices Jude’s efforts and he picks up on the hint of nervousness that Jude’s trying to conceal.

“Nice to see you too. But please Jude, you know it’s Adam.”

Jude nods at Adam before he takes off his shoes and jacket.

“Connor is upstairs. I’m not sure but I think he’s looking forward for your tutoring lesson.”

“Yeah me too. By the way can I use the bathroom?”

“Sure Jude, go ahead.” Adam points towards the downstairs bathroom and Jude makes his way there.

Jude goes directly to the mirror, he unzips his backpack and takes out his hair wax. He carefully molds his hair exactly as it’s supposed to be. He couldn’t let Connor see him in helmet-hair now could he? He takes a final look in the mirror. “Like a pro…”

Adam can barely refrain from smiling seeing Jude coming out of the bathroom with his hair completely different from before he went in there. The toilet didn’t flush, Adam noticed.

Jude is about to head upstairs when Mrs. Stevens comes out of the master bedroom.

“Oh hey Jude, good to see you.”

Jude’s opinion about Connor’s mother sure had changed over the months. He knew all about feeling worthless on the inside and what it did to you.

“Hi Mrs. Stevens, nice to see you too. I like your dress.”

“Thank you Jude, but please you can call me Mi-“

“Jude!” Connor was standing on top of the stairs, his enthusiasm over Jude being here lost to no one.

Adam shook his head and now he couldn’t help himself from smiling widely. Connor had changed his clothes for the fourth time today and he had probably spent an hour on doing his hair. Images of the two of them fighting over the use of the mirror going through Adam’s head.

“Hey Connor!” Jude forgot his manners as his focus shifted from Mrs. Stevens to the boy on top of the stairs. Mrs. Stevens didn’t mind, the look on Jude’s face while he looked at her son told her all she needed to know.

Connor had finally decided for a white t-shirt that fitted him like it was tailor made. His pecs showing through the thin fabric and the short sleeves barely fitted Connor’s arms. He was wearing a pair of denim light blue jeans that he got when he was at the mall with Jude.

The two boys just stood there and looked at each other for a few moments before Adam coughed, very discreetly of course.

“So, you two just let us know if you need anything. We’ll be downstairs.” Adam said.

As Jude walked up the stairs Mrs. Stevens joined him. Seeing Connor’s face as Jude made it to the top of the stairs gave them both a warm feeling inside. Adam kissed his wife on top of her head as she was leaning on his shoulder.

“God, I remember when you looked at me like that…” She says with a hint of nostalgia in her voice.

“Hey, I still do.” Adam says while planting another kiss on her head.

“You know what I mean.” She says jokingly.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

As Jude walks into Connor’s room with his backpack over his shoulder he immediately notices that Connor’s room is clean. Like, ridiculous clean. Jude approves.

Jude turns around the same moment that Connor closes the door to his room. Connor leans his back against the door and looks at him. Jude figures he’ll never get used to having Connor look at him like that. Connor exhales and his eyes are shining, like he’s relieved that Jude is finally there.

Jude takes another moment to just look at Connor. His tanned skin against the white t-shirt was a look that Jude didn’t mind one bit. Jude bites his lower lip, unintentional of course, before he speaks without thinking.

“You look hot…”

The second the words left his lips Jude realizes what he just said. His eyes go wide and his usual pale skin goes red.

Jude close his eyes and hid his face in embarrassment.

“I’m sorry… God I’m awkward… Sorry.”

Oh, if Jude only knew what the evening in Connor’s room had in hold regarding that topic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 43: No one can know" is up Sunday the 27th
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr


	43. No one can know

_"You look hot."_

 

 

Jude contemplated resorting to praying for a hole in the floor to appear and swallow him whole.

He took a quick look at Connor's window. It was closed and locked. Probably a good thing.

Connor was taken back by Jude’s words for a second before he said while chuckling. ”Wow… didn’t expect that. Thank you, I guess.”

Jude was hiding his face in the palm of his right hand.

”I’m really sorry… Can we forget I said that, please?”

Connor repressed his laughter, Jude looked uncomfortable and that was something Connor wouldn’t have for long.

”Okay it’s forgotten.”

Jude was still red. He cursed himself silently. Jude never say things like that. He barely thinks things like that. Saying them out loud? _Who am I even?_

”But I haven’t forgotten about this weekend.”

Jude found the courage to at least show his face. He couldn’t look at Connor so he concentrated on looking at something on the floor.

”Me neither…” Forgotten about it? It had probably taken up 95 % of Jude’s thoughts while awake and most likely 100 % of his dreams.

After a minute, Jude can’t help stealing a glance at Connor. Connor is looking at him with a… let’s just say that Jude likes the way Connor looks at him.

Jude blushes and looks away again. _What’s wrong with me? Djeez Jude get it together._

Jude just wants the awkwardness to end, he goes with the first thing that pops up in his head.

”So should we start studying?” He says while scratching the back of his head. He really doesn’t want to study with Connor right now but as he’s seemingly going for the gold medal in awkwardness he needs some sort of solid ground to stand on again. Math was about as solid as it got for Jude.

Connor’s still smiling. Jude is sometimes nervous and shy, this Connor’s seen before. This side… adorable-shy Jude, Connor likes this Jude.

”Yeah sure, I really need to actually.”

They sit down by Connor’s desk. Jude tries getting himself together by taking deep breaths. It works to some degree.

”So… umm… I brought math books. I figured that’s usually what you need the most help with.”

”Perfect…” Connor says with a dubious tone, not able to take his eyes off Jude.

”You know… I won’t be able to concentrate if you keep looking at me like that.”

”Sorry…” Connor wasn’t that sorry.

”No it’s not bad… It’s just… I need to focus.”

Connor nodded and turned his gaze from Jude’s face to the math book in front of him. Talk about contrast.

Jude is trying to explain some theorem to Connor. After a few minutes Jude realizes he has no idea what he’s been saying. He’s not even looking into the books anymore, he’s looking at Connor’s arms and hands. The veins on Connor’s left hand could be one of the most fascinating things Jude’s seen in his life.

The way his hand moves and the way the veins seems to pulsate when Connor moves his hand even the slightest.

He looks over at Connor. Connor is looking down into the book shared between them. Actually, Connor is more kind of staring into the book.

”Did you understand that?” Jude asks.

Connor is not saying anything but a smile is creeping up on his face.

”Connor?” Of course seeing Connor’s smile sets off Jude’s heartbeat.

”I’m sorry I have no idea what you’ve been saying… I’m sorry I really tried to concentrate. I promise.” Connor confessed.

”Good. I thought I was the only one.”

Jude starts to laugh and so does Connor. The tension that’s been there since Jude entered Connor’s room starts to lift.

“Should we try talking instead?” Connor said after they’ve somewhat gathered themselves.

“Yeah… hopefully that goes better than this… fiasco.” Connor snickered as Jude’s hand gestures when saying fiasco was just too adorable.

Connor’s mind tried to come up with something to say. The silence made him more and more desperate.

Jude was biting his lip, his eyes flickered over the desk. _Think Jude, think Jude… say something, anything!_

Nothing.

“Apparently we suck at talking too.” Connor said after the silence had become excruciating.

“I don’t even know why this is so hard, I mean we used to talk before…” Jude continued before trailing off, still looking down at the desk.

“Yeah, before…” Connor’s eyes were drawn to Jude’s small hands that was fiddling in Jude’s lap.

Connor gulped.

“Jude…?”

Jude met Connor’s eyes before humming, letting Connor know he was listening.

“It’s just…” Connor didn’t really know how to say it, not that he really ever did while talking to Jude about something that mattered.

Connor put his hand on the desk in front of Jude, palm up. He separated his fingers some.

“If you… want to…” Connor said before he forced down saliva. _Fuck_.

Jude looked at Connor before concentrating on his hand laying still in front of him.

Jude wanted to.

Connor held his breath as Jude lifted his right hand from his lap, slowly moving it towards Connor’s. He couldn’t take his eyes away from Jude’s small hand moving toward his own. Jude stopped his movement for a second, he hated that he didn’t manage to push through the action without hesitating. This was Connor. He trusted Connor. Still, he hesitated.

Jude took a breath and put his right hand into Connor’s left hand resting on the desk. Both of them gasped slightly at the contact. Connor’s fingers intertwined Jude’s and instantly his thumb started rubbing against Jude’s hand. Jude’s hand was so soft, Connor kept thinking that he never wanted to let go. _God I'm pathetic..._

Jude had to close his eyes in order to compose himself. He almost laughed out loud at how warm Connor was. Connor’s gentle touch actually made him warm all over. Jude opened his eyes, he couldn’t for the life of him repress smiling.

“I wonder if it always will be like this… when you touch me.” Connor said softly while looking down on their connected hands. Connor didn’t smile, even though he probably could count the number of times he’d been happier on one hand.

“I hope not… I’ll probably need a pacemaker anyday now as it is.” Jude snickered.

Connor smiled over hearing the beautiful sounds coming out of Jude’s mouth.

Once again they sat there in silence. This time however, they neither wanted nor needed to say anything. They said everything they needed to just by holding on to each other. This wasn’t something Connor would ever admit to but he had to make an effort to keep from tearing up.

“By the way, you know what I just realized?” Jude asked Connor out of the blue.

Connor told Jude to carry on using facial expressions.

“I don’t even know what your mother’s name is. I mean I know Adam but your mother has always been Mrs. Stevens.”

Connor snickered, it was kind of weird that Jude still didn’t know her name but thinking about it sometimes his mother was a bit too formal.

“It’s Mia.”

“Mi…a?” Jude sounded surprised.

“Yeah, Mia Helen Stevens.”

“Umm… you sure it’s Mia?”

Connor laughed slightly once again before answering Jude.

“Yes Jude I’m pretty sure I know my mother’s name.”

“I just thought…”

“Thought what?”

“Umm… never mind. Mia Stevens it is. Got it.”

Jude looked down on their connected hands. Connor was still radiating warmth. After a few moments Jude asked.

“Hey Connor… are you warm or am I cold?”

“Huh?” Connor wasn’t expecting a question, he was lost in their dream world.

“It’s just, when we touch… you’re always warm.” _Like the…_

“And just now I realized, maybe it’s me that’s cold?”

“No… you’re not cold. You feel just right, not warm nor cold. And soft… your hand is so soft.”

Jude smiled over the fact that Connor was talking like he was talking about the most precious thing in the world.

“Maybe I just got warm hands?”

Jude shook his head.

“No… your lips were warm too.”

_God what am I even saying… shut up Jude._

Connor blushed in an instant. Jude looked at his cheeks and couldn’t help laughing slightly.

“Hey that’s my thing.”

“What is?” Connor was still red, he didn’t even know why. Probably from just thinking about their connected lips.

“That… blushing. Being shy. Not knowing what to say.”

“Yeah like I do? I can barely form sentences most of the time…”

Once again, Connor looked down at their connected hands. He could barely trust his eyes, this… just holding onto _his_ hand was making it difficult for Connor to breathe regularly.

“Jude? I just… was thinking. Is it ok if I… you know… touch your hand, sometime? I mean… when I… want to?”

Connor was nervous, Jude could tell. Jude trusted Connor more than he’d ever trusted anyone. Maybe that’s not saying much but Jude did trust Connor. He didn’t trust himself though.

“I… I want you to… that you can do that. I want that. But…” Jude didn’t really know what to say. Connor was so considerate and he was a saint with the way he’d put up with his issues.

“Hey it’s ok. Let me know when it’s ok.”

“I just don’t want to risk an incident. I don’t think I would have one when it’s you but…”

“But you don’t want to risk it?”

Jude nodded while giving Connor a snide smile that told Connor he was sorry over it.

“Hey it’s no problem. I… I don’t want to risk it either. That’s why I asked.”

“I’ll get there… I promise. I… really want to get there.”

Jude waited a moment before adding.

“With you.”

Those two words almost made Connor’s heart melt. It was the way Jude said it. Thing was, by his tone Connor knew that Jude meant it wholeheartedly.

“Hey… you don’t have to answer but I just… was it the first time for you, the… you know, kiss?”

Jude avoided Connor’s eyes, somehow he had a hard time looking at him while even thinking about _that_.

“Yeah… it was. Sorry if I was… you know, not any good at it.”

“Believe me Jude, I… I liked everything about it.”

That earned a nervous smile from Jude. _Get it together Jude…_

“I guess you’ve done it before, with Melissa?”

Connor didn’t know why but right there and then he could have given anything to be able to say his first kiss had been with Jude, but it wasn’t the truth.

“Yeah… yeah we did.” All Connor wanted to say was that he considered his kiss with Jude to be his first real one but he couldn’t get the words out.

Jude noticed that Connor looked… ashamed? Jude couldn’t have that.

“Hey it’s ok, you know? I mean it’s… normal. No not normal, I hate that word. But I don’t think it’s, you know, bad… ok?”

“Thanks… But it’s just, it feels like another life or something. Like it wasn’t me… but it was.”

Connor was struggling to get the words out. Jude was probably going crazy but suddenly he couldn’t stop giggling.

Hearing Jude amused about something always did the trick, Connor immediately started smiling.

“What?”

“I’m sorry… But I can’t help thinking how long it will take for us not to stutter in like every sentence.”

Connor snickered.

“I know. Believe me I always know what to say to you… like an hour afterwards.”

Jude was still giggling. “Same. It’s soo frustrating.”

“Tell me about it.” Connor replied.

They looked at each other. Both of them enjoying seeing the other one smiling, the tension that they always seemed to involuntarily build up once again started to lift.

“And hey, just a heads-up. My family kind of knows.”

“Kind of knows what?”

“That we… kissed.” The word still had such impact for Connor he couldn’t say it without a moment of hesitation.

“Oh… you told them?”

“Yeah. Sorry. But I was just so happy about it and I wanted them to know that. I wasn’t really thinking.”

Jude got a warm feeling inside hearing Connor saying that. That he was happy about it. Still, Connor’s confession reminded Jude of something. Something extremely important. Jude’s smile faded with the realization. He even thought about letting go of Connor’s hand, but no, he didn’t want that.

Connor noticed Jude’s changed expression. He’d seen Jude being worried many times before, like all the other times he didn’t like it this time either.

“I’m sorry Jude, I shouldn’t have told them.”

“No it’s… it’s not your fault. I’m really happy for you, that you can tell them stuff like that.”

Jude wasn’t seeking sympathy but regardless of that he had Connor’s. Just as Connor was going to say something comforting Jude looked at him with a serious expression.

If only Jude had been able to foresee the long-term impact his next words would have on Connor.

“Connor, no one can know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 44: Seal it with a kiss" is up Tuesday the 29th
> 
> If the writing goes well chapter 44 might be up tomorrow instead of Tuesday but no promises.
> 
> (Chapter 43 and 44 was originally one chapter but I had to split it since it became too long.)
> 
> And hey! 10k+ hits for this fic. Crazy.


	44. Seal it with a kiss

_“Connor, no one can know.”_

 

Seeing Connor’s face almost collapsing made Jude’s chest hurt, he had to fix it.

“For now. No one can know for now. I’m… not ready yet.” Jude wasn’t lying but he wasn’t telling the whole truth either.

Connor took a moment before replying to Jude, pushing his feelings aside... for now. 

“Ok, I understand. My parents won’t tell anyone. I’m sure they already know that but I’ll make sure. Ok?”

Jude nodded, feeling some of the anxiety receding. “Thanks.”

“Hey, should we try getting some studying done?” Connor said, wanting to change the subject.

“Yeah, absolutely.” Jude replied. The both of them kept looking at their intervened hands for a full minute before reluctantly starting to dis-entangle their fingers. Jude missed Connor’s warmth the second their hands parted.

 

This time they actually got some studying done. Connor forced himself to look at his math book and nothing else. He only failed to do so a dozen or so times which he was kind of proud over. Progress.

“I know you don’t like me saying this but you really _are_ a genius. I actually know how to solve those equations now. It’s a miracle.” Connor said as he was putting his math book away.

“You did good. I’m proud of you. You’ll pass the test for sure.” Jude was also kind of proud over himself but mostly he was happy for Connor’s sake. Jude knew that Connor worried about his academics more than he shined on.

“Thanks… For the first time, probably ever, I actually think I’m gonna pass.”

“So… I guess I’m heading home. It’s getting kind of late.” Jude stood up and put his notes into his backpack. Jude really didn’t want to leave the Stevens’s. He couldn’t even compare how safe he felt in the house he’d visited not even five times with how safe he felt in the house he’d lived in for seven years.

Connor didn’t want Jude to leave either.

Of course the both of them had thought countless times about the moment they shared just two days ago. Jude found himself looking (sounds better than staring, so for Jude's sake we'll call it looking) at Connor’s perfect lips whenever he got the chance.

Both of them walked very very slowly from Connor’s desk towards the closed door. When they got to the door both of them stopped. Neither one of them wanted to reach out and turn the door handle because that would mean that they weren’t in this bubble they've created just for them anymore.

Jude turned towards Connor. Once again he took in the sight that was Connor Stevens. Jude sighed, he actually sighed, after specifically taking in the way the white shirt made Connor’s pecs stand out.

Connor was at a loss for words. He knew what he wanted but… _fuck_ , he was nervous. After a minute, Connor took a deep breath and uttered the words he didn’t think he had the guts to say.

“Hey Jude…” Jude looked up at Connor as they were standing not two feet away. “Do you… Is it ok if I… touch your face?”

Not the words Jude was expecting. Connor noticed. Connor snickered nervously.

“I know it’s probably weird… But I’ve just wanted to do it for so long…”

Jude blushed. Connor looked so sincere which Jude found really heartwarming.

Connor was taken by surprise when he felt Jude’s fingers gently touching Connor's hand.

“Sorry…” Jude said when Connor flinched from the touch.

Connor took shallow breath when he realized what was about to happen. Jude guided Connor’s hand from Connor’s side up towards his own face. When he was just inches away Connor stopped breathing altogether. 

Jude stopped the movement at the same moment that Connor stopped breathing. Jude exhaled and continued guiding Connor’s hand until it made contact with Jude’s cheek. Connor inhaled quickly through his nose as he was running out of oxygen. Even though Jude of course knew about the contact, as he guided the hand himself, he gasped and flinched at the sensation of feeling Connor’s hand on his cheek. He couldn’t help it.

The two of them never broke eye-contact from the moment that Jude took Connor’s hand until the palm of Connor’s hand rested on Jude’s cheek. Connor immediately started caressing it, rubbing his thumb ever so gently over Jude’s cheekbone.

Connor was almost on the verge of tears. Touching Jude’s perfect face felt even more special than he had imagined it to be. And mind you, Connor had imagined it a whole lot of times. Jude’s skin was impossibly soft and lean. His entire face was flawless if you asked Connor, he shook his head in disbelief.

Logically, Connor’s warm hand moving on his cheek should make Jude freak out. What Connor didn’t know was that this was the first time ever anyone had touched his face for as long as Jude could remember. His face had always been... off-limits. However, the way that Connor looked like right now… it made Jude feel safer than he’d ever felt. If Connor was faking his emotions he was doing an excellent job at it.

 _Are you for real Connor?_ Jude couldn't stop repeating those words when Connor became too much for Jude to handle.

“Your face is so soft… it’s even softer than your hands.” Connor whispered as he was looking fondly at Jude.

“And smooth… it’s like… like touching a seal.”

Jude laughed instantly as Connor compared his skin with that of an aquatic mammal.

Connor laughed as well, seeing Jude smile that wide… Connor couldn’t ask for more.

“It’s true, don’t laugh at me Jude Jacob.” Connor looked deep into Jude’s huge brown doe eyes before continuing.

“For the record you’re way cuter than a seal… and that’s saying something. Seals are like the cutest fucking animals in the world.”

“Please don’t sw-“ Jude started.

“Please don’t swear I know I know, sorry.”

Jude was still laughing slightly over Connor’s comparison. His smile receded when he caught Connor’s eyes looking into his own. Connor had gotten a serious expression on his face. His eyes were still looking fondly at Jude but he did look like he had something important to convey.

Jude went silent and the two of them kept still like that. The only thing moving was Connor’s thumb that was stroking Jude’s cheek ever so slowly. The hazel eyes made Jude forget about everything else. The only thing that he could think about was different ways of trying to tell Connor that he was the most beautiful thing in the entire world. _Are you for real Connor?_

Connor parted his lips slightly, Jude noticed his breathing became more irregular. Connor started forming words silently a few times before he could say something audible.

“Jude… can I. Can I... kiss you?”

Jude didn’t respond at once. It wasn’t that Jude was trying to act cool or hard to get or anything like that. Jude was smart enough to realize that there was no way that he could ever hide how he felt about Connor when he was standing right in front of him. The boy with the hazel eyes would see right through him.

Thing was that Jude still had a hard time processing everything that was going through his head. Jude was not known to be the one to act without thinking. He wanted to have some sort of control of a situation before jumping into it. Well… before Connor of course. Nowadays, he was never in control now was he.

Never breaking eye-contact Jude nodded slowly. Of course Connor could kiss him. Jude would probably break down crying if Connor did _not_ kiss him right now.

Connor’s serious expression eased a bit and his lips formed a soft smile.

Connor raised his left hand towards Jude’s face. He wanted to be able to hold onto Jude, as much of Jude as he could, he had to at least ask Jude. Perhaps he would let him.

Jude noticed Connor’s left hand lifting towards his face. Connor stopped it before it came too close.

“Can I?” Connor whispered.

Jude could feel his heartbeat. He could hear it. Apparently, Jude spoke without realizing it.

“Yes…” _Please_.

Connor continued the movement, he stopped his hand a few inches from Jude’s face, like he always did. Jude didn’t seem to have any objections.

Connor’s left hand made contact with Jude’s right cheek. Connor involuntarily let out a huff of laughter, he had no idea why but he did.

Connor cupped Jude’s face with his hands. The two of them still hadn’t broken eye-contact for… well yeah you guessed it, god only knows for how long they’ve been standing there.

It took a few moments of having Connor’s impossibly warm hands on his cheeks that Jude made a realization. Right now he didn’t freak out about it but in the back of his mind he somehow knew he would probably freak out about it later.

Connor’s touch hadn’t made him flinch. It felt nothing but right. It had only felt good.

This… had meaning.

Connor’s eyes did that thing that Jude’s seen them do two times before. He had no problem noticing since it meant them breaking eye-contact if only for a split-second before Connor’s eyes were back looking at his again. Jude focused on breathing. _Breathing is good, breathing is essential. Jude you can do this._

Connor kept holding onto Jude’s cheeks like they were made of porcelain, fittingly enough as it was one of the words that always came up in Connor’s head when thinking about how to describe Jude’s face.

Connor took a breath.

“Okay…” He whispered so that only he heard it himself.

Connor leaned down towards Jude. His eyes going from Jude’s to set on his lips instead. Connor stopped his movement. His eyes darted up to Jude’s. A second was all he needed to get the reassurance. The fear that’s been hinted before in these situations were nowhere to be seen.

Connor took a final look at Jude’s lips before he closed his eyes and connected his lips with Jude’s.

Connor’s lips moved against Jude’s. He had missed the sweet taste from Jude’s lips even more than he knew, and he knew he’d missed them a lot. Connor kissed and sucked gently on Jude’s lower lip, moving slightly against it.

Jude had zero air in his lungs but he didn’t care at all. Connor’s warm lips on his own was all he needed in life. He was more than fine if this meant he’d perish from lack of oxygen. It was probably the best possible way to go Jude figured.

The kiss was deeper and less chaste than their first. Neither one of them wanted to break it. Connor wanted to taste more of Jude but he refrained from deepening the kiss further, just tasting Jude's lips was most likely all he could handle right now. Passing out in front of Jude was not something high up on his wish-list.

Connor moved his lips and switched from having Jude’s lower lip in between his own to Jude’s upper one. Jude gasped but made no move whatsoever to break the kiss. Jude even started moving against Connor’s lower lip with his own.

During their kiss Connor never stopped moving his thumbs in slow circles on Jude’s cheeks. Just before Connor felt he was forced to break their kiss in order to get some air, he felt something on his right thumb.

Connor broke the kiss, not that he wanted but he really needed some air and there was no way he could take breaths while that close to Jude.

Connor opened his eyes and was met by Jude’s sparkling ones. A tear had made its way from Jude’s left eye down to Connor’s thumb. That spark in Jude’s eyes was something that Connor intended to make sure became more of a permanent thing. If Connor found that Jude was beautiful before, that spark almost made him look unreal.

Connor wiped Jude’s tear with his thumb.

“Good kind?” Connor said in a low voice, he was honestly surprised he could make a noise at all.

Jude nodded before speaking, barely audible.

“Yeah… good kind.”

Connor couldn’t keep his eyes away from Jude. The smile he already had grew wider and wider. Jude’s face matched Connor’s and when he saw Connor’s white teeth as his lips parted Jude felt another tear running down his cheek. Connor wasted no time using his thumb to dry it up.

Connor chuckled while he slowly shook his head, this moment was too good to be true.

“What?” Jude said.

“It’s just… I can barely believe this… you make me so happy.”

Jude couldn’t take looking into Connor’s sincere eyes so he dropped his head in an attempt to hide his blush.

After a few moments Jude suddenly let out a snicker. Jude looked up but he didn’t look at Connor. Jude was red. Even redder than he became from Connor’s words.

“What?” Connor’s turn to get filled in.

“I can kinda… tell, that you are… _happy._ ” Jude was avoiding eye contact. Connor could feel Jude’s cheeks almost burning.

Connor wasn’t really following. Jude was smiling but Jude was most certainly feeling embarrassed over something.

And like that, Connor dreaded knowing what Jude was talking about. Connor’s smile that’s been there for a long time started to fade. He stopped looking at Jude and looked down. His smiling face exchanged for a desperate one.

Connor took his hands away from Jude’s cheeks and put them in front of his… constrained jeans. He turned around on the spot and he started talking because he needed to say something, anything.

“No no no, I’m sorry. It-it’s just. I didn’t mean to. It was when we kissed. It wasn’t intentional. I promise Jude. Please I’m so sorry.”

Connor could hear Jude trying to muffle his laughter. He turned back around and sure enough Jude had his hand over his mouth in a not-so-successful attempt to hinder his laughter. Connor was beyond embarrassed and he still had both his hands covering the _prior disaster area_.

“Sorry.” He told Jude once again.

“It’s ok Connor. I just… wasn’t ready.” Jude’s smile finally brought Connor some peace of mind. Anxiety levels starting to become quite normal.

“I mean, I guess I should say… thank you?”

Jude was clearly enjoying himself, mostly over the fact that Connor looked extremely uncomfortable. When he figures Connor has suffered enough Jude assures him.

“Really… it’s ok. Forget about it.”

“Thanks…” Connor said, taking a moment before continuing.

“I didn’t mean it like _that_ … when I said you make me happy… just so you know.”

Connor was back to looking at Jude, he had to make sure Jude believed him.

The only thing making Jude able to talk when Connor said those kinds of unreal things to him was the look on Connor’s face. Connor’s sort-of-sad puppy face was kryptonite for Jude, he had to oblige.

“I know, I shouldn’t have said anything… And for the record, you make me happy too.”

It worked. Jude could see the worry lift from Connor’s facial features.

“I don’t want to go but I have to. I don’t want to be late home.”

Connor understood, he knew that Jude coming home late was not an option that Jude ever considered a possibility.

“Yeah I know… Thanks for coming over.” Connor said before continuing with a smirk on his face.

“And you know, _hanging out_.”

That earned a laughter from Jude. Connor noted that it still was the most beautiful thing Connor had heard.

“I like _hanging out_ with you too. We have to do it again.”

“Hey, will you come watch the soccer practice tomorrow? Last one before our first league game this Friday.”

“I’ll be there.”

Both of them stood there in silence for a few moments. Connor wanted to kiss Jude goodbye but he never found the courage. Jude was thinking the exact same thing but he thought that Connor might still be too embarrassed from the _jeans incident_.

“So… see you tomorrow then.” Jude finally said.

“Yeah, see you. We’ll text right?” Connor said as Jude opened the door.

“We’ll text. And hey, Connor?”

“Yeah?”

Jude made a point of looking down towards Connor’s crotch before looking back into Connor’s eyes.

“Congrats man.” Jude smirked before shutting the door.

Even though Jude was already gone, Connor blushed fiercely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 45: Real talk" is up Wednesday the 30th
> 
> Alright guys, how great a chapter name was that?
> 
> I want to share with you. Connor's seal comment is actually based on a real-life experience of mine from when I was ~15-16. I'll never forget when the cute young man in my bed told me, while stroking my forearm, that my skin felt like the skin of a seal. It didn't work out between us.
> 
> Ok enough of personal stuff, I hope you enjoyed the chapter.
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr


	45. Real talk

“Hey Hannah.”

“Finally!”

“Well hello to you too.” Jude sassed back.

“Save it Jude. I’ve been calling you like fifty times.”

“I know… I was just, busy. Sorry.”

“Hmm… we’re definitely coming back to that but first things first. Tell me!”

“Tell you what?”

“ _Tell you what?_ ” Hannah tried to imitate Jude’s voice before continuing in her own.

“You don’t think I noticed? Today, in the cafeteria? You couldn’t stop smiling if your life depended on it.”

_Oh that… that was nothing._

“Huh, didn’t realize that-“ Jude was cut off.

“And tonight you’ve been so _busy_ that you couldn’t even answer the phone when I, your favorite person in the world, called you?”

Before Jude got a chance to say anything, Hannah was at it again.

“So Jude Jacob, as your best friend, tell me.”

Jude bit his lip, keeping from smiling while lying on his bed seemed impossible.

“Well… me and Connor kind of… studied.”

Hannah could hear Jude smiling. He was smiling so fucking wide and she heard it.

“Studied.” She replied, not sounding overly impressed with Jude’s explanation.

“Yeah, we did actually study… among other things.” He said teasingly.

“Oh my god!” Hannah was shrieking, Jude had to turn his phone away from his ear for a moment.

“What did you do?”

Jude thought about telling her about them kissing but he wanted to have that memory all to himself a while longer.

“We… held hands.”

Hannah was shrieking again. Jude laughed, silently of course, he wasn’t _that_ stupid.

“Oh my god oh my god oh my god! Jude!” Hannah sounded like she was about to pass out from the excitement over the news.

“I can’t even! This is huge Jude!” Hannah was so worked up that Jude had to make a mental note that she probably should be in a confined space if he ever tells her they’ve kissed.

“So you are like, a thing now? Yes?”

“No no no nothing like that… But at least I think he likes me back.”

“Well DUH you think?”

Jude chuckled. It was a nice feeling… hearing Hannah’s excitement over this. Over something that’s about him. He rarely experienced those things, to say the least.

“I can’t really believe this is happening you know… But he is real right?”

“Who is real?”

“Connor. Connor is real right, it’s not just my head playing tricks on me?” 

It was Hannah’s time to laugh. Jude almost sounded serious. Poor thing.

“Yes Jude, your Connor is real. Abs-pecs-soccer prodigy-Haagen-Dazs ass-Connor is real.”

Jude blushed. _God I’m like a school girl…_

“He’s not mine though…”

“Yet.”

“Hannah…”

“Whatever Jude, you clearly both like each other.”

Jude couldn’t argue with that. But there was a reason he felt he could talk about Connor with Hannah. Deep down, she knew why this could never be. Why no one can know.

Jude bit his lip. He didn’t want to put a stop to Hannah’s good mood but he knew that somewhere deep down she knew what was coming.

“Hannah, no one can know. I… think you know that.”

Hannah did know that. She hated that Jude was in this position. She wanted him to be nothing but happy about finally finding someone that he really cares about. Because that much was obvious to Hannah, Jude more than cared about Connor.

Hannah was silent for a few moments, before accepting defeat.

“Yeah… I know Jude.”

Neither one of them talked for a full minute, they listened to each other’s breaths before Hannah broke the silence.

“What are you going to do Jude?”

“I… I don’t know.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

After he had said goodnight to Hannah Jude spent the night tossing and turning in his bed. He was desperately seeking for a solution, a way out, a... scenario in which all of this could have a happy ending.

Hannah only understood that Phil probably would have a _poor_ reaction to Jude doing... well doing anything at all with another boy. She knew how stern he was but not much more than that, Jude figured. Hannah did know one more thing that Jude thought he had hidden from her. She knew that Jude was terrified of Phil. She didn’t know why but she… she had some ideas.

Jude continued to push away the conclusion from all of his thoughts. No matter what, Jude could not see one possibility in which he or his heart would come out in one piece. The most likely scenario involved Connor breaking Jude’s heart. Yes, Jude already knew… Connor had the power to break his heart.

Connor would never stay. If Connor knew… if Connor saw Jude, all that was Jude… Connor would never in a million years stay. Jude understood this, which made him feel miserable. He felt like he was lying to Connor. Jude hated that feeling. Hated it. Connor deserved better.

Thoughts like these mixed with flashbacks from earlier that night in Connor’s room. Him and Connor holding hands for a long time. Him, holding Connor’s warm hand. He closes his eyes and remembers feeling absolutely safe there and then. He continued thinking about Connor touching his cheek’s. Jude snickers from thinking about when Connor compared his skin to that of a seal. _Dork_ …

And of course Jude couldn’t stop thinking about the kiss. It was different from their first kiss. The first time had been too overwhelming for Jude to really enjoy it while it happened. The second time though, with Connor cupping his face while kissing him… Jude had to take deep breaths just thinking about it.

He had to shake his head in order to clear it. There was simply so much to think about that he couldn’t process it all. He needed to talk to the one person who Jude could tell everything to. The one person who knew about everything… well almost everything. The person that knows enough to at least give Jude some guidance. It was long overdue.

Jude checks his schedule before he sends a text message.

“Can you meet me this Friday? 7 pm. Same place as always.”

Before Jude drifts off to sleep he receives a reply.

“I’ll be there.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The following school day starts off well enough for Jude. Mathematics with Mrs. Porter was always a delight. Jude had been given the same book and assignments that the seniors got. Needless to say Mrs. Porter had already given Jude his well-deserved A.

Going to second period, still thinking about everything that’s been going on this last week, he gets an uneasy feeling. He looks up just in time to see John and Scott with their backs against the wall. They are looking right at him. Even though Jude looks away he can feel their eyes on him as he passes by in the hallway. They don’t make a sound. Jude finds this ten times more alarming than if they had at least attacked him verbally in some way.

Jude still has that lump in his stomach when he sees Hannah waiting for him as they have second period together.

“Hey there Casanova.” She says with a smirk to which Jude snicker.

“Hey there.”

“So, wild guess here but you’re going to the soccer practice tonight right?”

“Yeah I am.” Jude can’t help smiling over Hannah’s semi-teasing tone.

Hannah hesitates for a moment. There’s something that’s been bugging her but she don’t know if… she should ask him.

“Hey Jude…” Her curiosity takes the better of her.

“Mhm?”

“I’ve been thinking… About Halloween.”

“What about it?”

“Well it’s…” She hesitates again before continuing. “Chris was acting really weird.”

Jude didn’t say anything, best to hear her out he figures. Hannah glances down, Jude was fiddling with his hands. That meant he was nervous and that meant… that she probably was right.

“It’s just Chris was really angry at Connor. And he was specifically upset over that Connor _brought a girl_ , to use his own words.”

Jude just kept walking straight ahead. With a bit of luck, they’d reach their classroom before Hannah could make her point.

“Jude?” He looks over at her. “Does Chris… know?”

He gulps, mostly over the fact that he needs another variable to take into an account as much as he needs a hole in the head.

“Yeah, he… kind of does.” He wasn’t going to lie to Hannah, she deserved better.

“How…? Did you tell him?”

“No I didn’t. He kind of… figured it out himself.”

Hannah nodded while processing the information.

“He only knows I like him. He doesn’t know anything else and I… I want to keep it that way. No one else-“

“No one else can know, I get it.”

Hannah looked like she had a lot more questions about it but Jude was saved by the fact that they reached their classroom.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_Stevens residence, the night before_

 

Connor had stayed in his room for a while after Jude had left. He needed to collect his thoughts and just savor the memory for a bit longer.

“Hey where is mom?” Connor said as he entered the living room, his father was watching the TV.

“She’s asleep, she was exhausted.”

“Is she alright?”

Adam smiled at Connor as his son sat down in the couch next to him.

“You know what son, I actually think she is. Or at least she will be.”

Connor nodded.

“I hope so. I… I can see that she’s trying. Going to thank her for that tomorrow.”

“She’ll appreciate that. And yes, she’s trying.”

Connor looked down, feeling a bit ashamed.

“I feel bad over what I said… that I hated her. I didn’t mean it.”

“I know you didn’t. But she was out of line then, you had every right to be upset.”

“I still feel bad. I know it’s not her fault…”

“Hey, son. Don’t feel bad about it. You didn’t even tell her that, you only said it to me.”

Adam’s words seemed to ease Connor’s bad conscious some. After a few moments, Connor looked to his father and asked.

“You think she likes Jude?”

Adam turned his head towards Connor and smiled.

“Yeah, I think she does.”

“That’s good… and you… do you like him?”

Adam nods while telling Connor that he does.

“Not that I think my opinion about him would have changed your mind?”

“No… probably not. But… your opinion matter. I… I want you to like him.”

“And you son, how do you feel?” Like Adam needed to ask.

Of course Connor’s face said it all, the way it lit up when he obviously thought about how he felt.

“I… I like him a lot.”

Adam chuckles.

“Yeah… I kind of got that.”

Adam can’t resist ruffling Connor’s hair in an affectionate way. If Connor hadn’t planned on taking a shower he would have made it clear, not for the first time he might add, that his hair was off limits.

“God you’re growing up so fast… You’re not my little boy playing in the sandbox anymore are you?”

Connor chuckled, an observer would have noticed it was in the exact same way his father always did.

“I guess not.”

Adam kept looking at his son while junior’s mind obviously drifted off thinking about… well Adam could take a guess.

“I’m really happy for you, you know. Finding love at sixteen is not that-.”

“Whoa! Chill, I’m not _in love_ dad.” In an instant Connor felt the need to get defensive.

Adam had to refrain from laughing.

“No no of course you’re not, what was I thinking. You only like him _a lot_. My bad.”

Seeing his father obviously trying really hard not to smile at him made it impossible for Connor to refrain from doing the same.

Connor broke their eye-contact as he started to blush.

“Shut up… whatever.” He said while clearly smiling and looking ahead.

After a few minutes, Connor had something more serious to talk to Adam about. Connor didn’t really know what he wanted to say but he needed to talk to someone about it. It was something that Connor had spent many hours thinking about, often his thoughts ended up in a dark place.

“Hey dad… about Jude.”

“Yeah, what about him?”

Connor bit his lip. This was hard.

“First of all. I need you to promise me one thing.”

Adam searched Connor’s eyes. He didn’t like the way his son looked at him, it was a way too serious expression for a sixteen-year-old to have.

“Ok, but I need to know what to promise before agreeing.”

“I need you to promise not to talk about this with anyone… I don’t really know what myself but it’s important.”

“Ok… I promise. It's between us.”

Connor hesitated. Adam noticed the worried look on his face. You had to be an idiot not to see it.

“Connor… you need to tell me so I can help.”

“I… I’m worried about him.”

Adam started to worry himself. This side of Connor was new to him. Connor always cared, often too much if you asked Adam. This was not just about caring. It was more than that.

“Why’s that?”

Connor didn’t really know where to start, in fact he didn’t really know what he wanted out of this conversation.

“Jude doesn’t want me to know about everything but I’ve heard from other’s…”

“About what?”

“Dad…” Connor is choking up. He fucking hates it with every fiber in his body.

“Jude’s been bullied. They’ve been… so fucking mean to him.”

Adam let Connor finish. Not only did he dislike seeing his son upset, hearing about others being mean to Jude affected him more than he figured was normal since Jude wasn’t his son. But Adam had noticed from the way Jude acted, Adam had hoped it was _just_ from being a foster kid but he had a hunch that life hadn’t been easy for Jude.

Connor blurted out, talking so fast that Adam barely made the words out, Connor's voice cracked several times.

"They've locked him in a locker. They've thrown things at him. They've stolen his clothes. They've messed up his bike and... and..." Connor had to take a pause before continuing.

“And he doesn’t deserve it…” Connor is fighting his tears. “But they do it because they can, because he’s different.”

“I’m really sorry to hear that son. I… I really am.”

Connor was taking deep breaths, trying to calm down.

“How is it now? I mean… do they bother him now?”

“No… well not compared to what I’ve heard happened before. There are still two guys that are assholes but I think I scared them away from him.”

Adam felt proud. Adam always felt proud over Connor but sometimes even more so than normally.

“Ok good. Is there anything I can do?”

“No, I don’t think so. But the bullying is only part of it.”

“Okay… what else is there?”

Connor bit his lip again, not really knowing how to put his feelings into words. After a minute he started.

“It’s just… Something’s not right. I can feel it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Something’s not right, at that house. At his house.”

Adam shifted in the couch, turning more towards Connor.

“Tell me.”

“I… things have… happened. That I know Jude doesn’t want me to tell.”

“Ok, I understand. Tell me what you feel that you can tell me.”

Connor’s mind was filled with so many different thoughts, he had a hard time sorting them out in a way he could present it to Adam so he would understand why Connor was worried.

“Ok… you know I told you from the start not to shake his hand or anything like that?”

“Yes, I remember. He wasn’t very fond of touching at all?”

“Yeah that was kind of… an understatement. He… his reaction to it is… not good. It’s not… normal.”

Adam didn’t like where this was going but he let Connor carry on.

“And not just touching… I showed… That day that I called you to come pick me up. He saw something that day and-.” Connor felt a tear running down his cheek. The memory from that day still haunted Connor. Jude’s screams still giving him nightmares.

Adam reached out and grabbed Connor’s hand and squeezed it tightly to comfort him.

“Can you tell me what he saw?”

Connor thought about telling Adam about the dress for a second, but no. Jude wouldn’t want Adam to know about it.

“I… no, I rather not.”

“Ok… but I take it his reaction was _not good_?”

Connor shook his head.

“No. It wasn’t… and I’m not sure I want to know why. Well yes… I want to know, for Jude.”

Adam didn’t really know what to say. Connor continued.

“And there’s another thing… and it’s not something I can tell you. But I know something that Jude doesn’t know that I know. And…”

Adam waited. After a few moments Connor looked his father in the eyes.

“Dad… I think that Phil has done things… to Jude.”

Some say that ignorance is a bliss. In time, Connor would learn the full meaning of that expression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 46: Connor's been thinking" is up Friday the 1st of April
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr


	46. Connor's been thinking

_Tuesday afternoon, soccer practice_

Jude was taking a seat next to Hannah and Madison. Ashley was talking on her phone so she had walked away to get some privacy.

The bleachers were really full, especially considering it was only a practice. Most of the player’s parents were there and that included both Adam and Mrs. St… Mia. The practice being well-attended was probably due to the fact that this practice would determine which players were going to start in the line-up for the important first match of the season on Friday.

“Hey Jude, I can trust you right?” Madison said out of the blue while they were watching the players warm up.

Jude looked surprised before replying.

“Yes of course. Why do you ask?”

“Normally I only talk to Hannah about these things but… I don’t know, I kind of want to know what you think about it. But this is just between us three, ok?”

“Ok, sure.”

“What do you think of Chris?”

“Umm… he’s… kinda cool?”

“Yeah but I mean, you think he’s like… a good guy?”

Hannah bit her lip to keep her from grinning.

“Yes, I think so. He’s always been cool to me.”

“Ok… good. I don’t know why but somehow I think you’re better at spotting the good ones than I am.”

“Why do you ask?” Jude was getting curious.

“It’s just… we kinda talked… at the Halloween party.”

“Talked? You and Chris?” Jude said with one of his prominent eyebrows going up.

“Yeah I know, but it turns out he’s actually kind of sweet. I can’t believe I haven’t noticed it before.”

Jude didn’t want the girls to see how genuinely happy this made him feel. If this could lead to Chris getting some well-deserved happiness he was all for it.

“You’ve been too busy obsessing over HD, that’s why.” Hannah said laughing slightly.

Jude gave Hannah a disapproving look when she used his nickname. She didn’t notice or if she did, she didn’t care.

“When did this happen?” Jude couldn’t remember seeing them talking while he was there.

“I don’t really remember. This might have happened after one or two shots?” Madison snorted.

Before Hannah could make a remark that it probably was more like five or six shots Madison continued.

“The only thing I remember was that it was before he and Connor had that testosterone showdown.”

Jude and Hannah laughed at Madison’s quite accurate description of the soccer players encounter.

“So, that means HD is officially off the radar?” Hannah asked.

“His name is Connor.” Jude wasn’t able to hide the irritation in his voice.

Hannah looked at him apologetically. Madison had a… weird look on her face. Jude found her hard to read, she seemed to shrug it off after a moment.

“Yeah he is off the radar. I mean he’s fucking sex on legs but I’d be stupid if I didn’t realize he isn’t interested.”

Madison picked up her binoculars, both Hannah and Jude rolled their eyes, still not over the fact that she actually had gotten them in the first place.

“That doesn’t mean I can’t look at him.” She says before shamelessly putting the pair in front of her eyes.

Jude just shook his head, not 100 % comfortable with Madison obviously ogling hi… ogling Connor, but he could never really dislike Madison.

Not even when her mouth was even more inappropriate than usual.

“I swear it’s like he’s not even using underwear…”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Practice was over and coach had the team gathered in a ring. Connor had played better than ever. Jude was quite sure that Connor would still be the best player on the team playing with one of his legs broken. Probably not if both were broken… probably not.

Jude and the girls started to pack up their things, getting ready to head home. Jude had ridden his bike and started walking towards it while talking to Hannah. Jude had hoped that he would get the opportunity to talk some with Connor but the team seemed busy and all the others were leaving so he figured it looked weird if he lingered behind.

As he was getting ready to hop on his bike he heard someone shouting after him.

“Hey! Jude! Wait up!”

It was Connor who was running towards him from the field. Apparently the team had disbanded. Jude noticed Connor running past his parents who didn’t seem to mind, they even seemed amused by it. Adam shaking his head while smiling widely.

Jude looked apologetically at Hannah.

“I get it. Sexiled.” She said while smiling and she continued walking, letting them have some privacy.

“Heey!” Connor said when he approached Jude. How Connor couldn’t be panting from all that running was beyond Jude. The way Connor looked in his black shorts and white soccer shirt, with his bandana and the way his hair was perfect even though covered in sweat, was also beyond Jude. _Jesus Christ…_

“Hey, you were great today.” Jude congratulated himself silently to be able to act casual. Training makes perfect.

“Thanks. I think I did okay.”

“I guess you’re starting on Friday?”

“Yeah I am… I was really glad that Chris also got to start. He’s playing as a forward so it’s not that different from playing as a striker. I think we’ll be able to steer some trouble for the other team’s defense.”

Jude nodded, he didn’t even have to pretend that he understood what Connor was talking about because he’d actually listened when Connor has explained the game in detail to him.

“So… I was thinking.”

“Don’t hurt yourself there.” Jude said teasingly.

“Shut up…” Connor smiled and Jude’s heart skipped a beat when his white teeth showed.

“So I was thinking that, you know that tomorrow is like… a half-day.”

Jude did know that. The teachers had some conference thing so all students were excused from all classes after lunch.

“Yeah I know, free time to study.” Jude said matter-of-factly.

Connor started to rub the back of his head with one hand.

“Umm… yeah I was thinking…”

“Again with the thinking Stevens?” Jude couldn’t resist.

Connor laughed slightly. Jude still wasn’t able to shake the feeling that Connor seemed a bit nervous.

“I’m sorry… what were you thinking?”

“Well if… you don’t have any plans…”

_Studying doesn’t count as plans? Have you met me Connor?_

“No not really.” _You’re so see-through Jude…_

“Ok good cause I was thinking that maybe… we could, do something. You know, together. Afterwards… after school. Something together. Maybe. If you want to. You probably don’t want to.” _Fuck…_

Jude smiled, seeing Connor squirm. Connor searched for the right words to say, Jude wasn’t helping. After a few moments Connor sighed deeply.

“Come on Jude, help me out here!” Connor pleaded.

“What were you thinking Connor, you want us to like… hang with Hannah and Madison? Cause I’m sure they would love that.”

Jude didn’t even know where he got the confidence to make jokes with Connor right now. It had something to do with seeing how Connor was obviously more nervous than Jude was, for once.

“You’re gonna make me say it aren’t you?” Connor said in defeat.

Jude just smiled as a response, he had a warm feeling building up inside.

Connor took a moment, he avoided eye-contact with Jude until he gathered the strength to look Jude into his eyes.

“Fine. Jude Jacob, will you go on a date with me tomorrow?”

Jude didn’t know how he would react to Connor asking him that. It’s not exactly a scenario which Jude had thought remotely possible for more than a couple of days.

Jude’s reaction? He started to giggle. He put both his hand over his mouth, dropping his helmet to the ground. Smooth, Jude. For some inexplicable reason Connor seemed not to notice that Jude basically had heart-eyes crowning his all-smiling face.

Connor still had a serious expression on his face. After a few seconds of Jude trying to make sure this was real, Jude noticed Connor’s jaw moving slightly from side to side.

“Yes!”

“Really?”

Connor made it sound like it was the most unexpected answer since at least 2007.

Jude laughed.

“Of course Connor. I would love to.”

There it was. The smile of Connor Stevens. The rest of the world fades and Connor is all that’s left. He sees that Connor mouth is moving. _Come on Jude, you should probably listen to that…_

“Hm?”

“I was saying, you think we can take our bikes tomorrow? For the date?”

_Connor we’ll go to the city dump if that’s what you wanna do…_

Jude clears his head.

“Yeah sure. No problem. So, which time?”

“Any decade now Connor!” Adam shouts from a distance, the Stevens’s had waited for quite some time by their car.

  
Jude snickered.

“Umm… I text, but after lunch right, so at like… 12.30-1 perhaps? But I’ll text!” Connor said as he was jogging back to his parents.

“Sounds great. We’ll text. Bye Connor!”

“Bye Jude!”

Both boys having smiles on their faces that probably could light up a smaller community.

Jude was almost entirely unaffected by the face that Connor had asked him on a date. Connor. Asking him. On a date. Yupp, nothing out of the ordinary here. This was his life now. No biggie. Jude was playing it cool.

Jude totally didn’t realize after he’d been on his bike for ten minutes that his helmet was still lying on the ground next to the soccer stadium.

_Fuck!_

Jude looked around, as if someone could hear him swearing in his head, before heading back to get his helmet.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor took his seat in the backseat of his parent’s Volvo. Before they drove off, Mia and Adam turned around and looked at him.

“What?” He said after a while.

“You know we understand that you like him a whole lot but please don’t forget that your birth givers exist, it hurts our feelings.” The Stevens’s were giving Connor their best fake hurt expression.

“Sorry… I just had to catch up with him before he got on his bike. Sorry.”

“It’s ok. For this time.” Mia said while backing up the car from the parking lot.

After they’ve driven for a few minutes Connor remembers something. He sighs.

“Dad…”

“Yeah son?” Adam meets Connor’s eyes in the rear-view mirror.

“I was really really stupid one time a long time ago.”

Connor’s words got the attention of both his parents.

“Ok, I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.”

“Yeah… it really was. I have no idea what I was thinking.”

“Whatever it is son, you can tell me. You know that right?”

“Yeah that’s the thing…”

Adam furrowed his brow, he got to thinking about if he should get worried.

“At a time when I obviously was suffering from a serious case of lack of judgement I made a promise.”

“Ok… you know a Stevens always keeps his promise, no matter how hard it sometimes is.” Adam said.

“I know…”

“What did you promise?”

“I promised you I would tell you if I ever asked Jude on a date.”

Mia laughed at Connor’s overly dramatic confession. Connor was actually only half-joking but whatever.

Adam turned back, obviously he looked like a kid on Christmas eve.

“Are you serious right now son? If you’re kidding me right now there will be hell to pay.”

“No it’s true. I asked him… and he said yes.” Connor couldn’t hold back his smile while telling his parents Jude had said yes.

Adam cheered and put up his hand.

_Really dad?_

Adam didn’t put down his hand, he starting nodding while smiling at his son.

_Ok apparently we’re doing this._

Connor high-fived his father who once again was cheering like he’d just performed some great accomplishment.

“Ok we’re obviously spending the whole night planning your date. It has to be perfect.” Adam was beyond excited, his wife couldn’t stop snickering at him.

“No no no, I’ve already planned everything.” Connor wanted to do this by himself.

“What do you mean?” Adam said in a neutral voice, quite a contrast from the moment before.

“I got this dad. I don’t need your help.”

“Oh.” Adam said quietly, sounding almost like a whimper.

“Dad?”

“No no, it’s fine. I get it.” Anyone could hear that nothing about it was fine. Before Connor had the chance to explain himself his father spoke again.

“So honey, you had some pointers on Connor’s practice today, right?”

His wife looked over at him as he was clearly trying to change the subject. When she didn’t come up with anything to say she sighed.

“Yes. Sweetie you’re still not doing those overlap runs the way we’ve practiced them.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_Later that evening at the Stevens’s_

Connor was playing some mindless game on his phone. He was mostly trying to distract himself from thinking about the day to come. He had noticed that doing so mostly ended up with him sweating like a pig as he paced around his room like a crazy person.

He was taken by surprise as he heard a knock on his door. Normally he’d be warned by the sound coming from the steps but this time he hadn’t heard anyone coming up the stairs.

“Come in.”

Connor was expecting his father so he was mildly surprised when his mother entered his room. She coming into his room, especially this late in the evening, was a rare occasion. She closed the door carefully behind her and gave him a warm smile.

Connor got to thinking that he hadn’t seen that smile on her that many times before.

“Hey sweetie. What are you doing?” Mia said in a low voice before sitting down beside him on his bed.

“Nothing really. Just thinking about tomorrow…”

“Yes, tomorrow. The big day. Your first real date.” She still had that warm smile on her face. Connor liked seeing her like that. She had a calm around her but wasn’t usually there.

“Yes, with Jude…” Connor said like it wasn’t obvious. He really just wanted to say his name out loud as it always made him feel good.

She took a moment before replying to her son, thinking over what to say.

“I know sweetie. About the date… you know how your father is.”

Connor did know.

“Yeah I know but I want to do this myself. I’m almost 17, I can do things by myself you know?”

“I know you can sweetie. And I understand that. It’s just… he’s been moping around all evening.”

Connor didn’t say anything to that. His mother got up from his bed and before leaving his room she said.

“You know it would mean a lot to him.” She smiled again before closing the door behind her.

Connor didn’t need his father’s help planning this date. He wanted to do this by himself, prove to himself that he could do it.

After a minute, Connor sighed deeply and got up from his bed.

He walked down the stairs and entered the living room. His father was sitting in the couch watching TV, he was watching… oh god he was watching Beaches. With that Connor grasped the seriousness of the situation.

“Hey dad.”

“Hey…” Adam sounded tired, the lack of energy in his voice evident.

“So about the date…”

“Mhm…” Adam hummed affirmatively, still looking straight at the TV.

Connor bit his lip.

“Yeah it’s just… I have a hard time deciding what we’re going to do…”

Adam’s lips parted slightly, he looked over at Connor with wide eyes.

“So I was just thinking if you could… perhaps give some advice?”

Adam’s eyes came to life. Birds started singing right there in the living room and it seemed like the sun shined brighter than ever even though it was night time.

Connor was barely able to refrain from laughing at his father.

“Yo-you want my help?”

“Yeah if you’re not busy watching the movie-“ Adam interrupted him.

“Screw the movie, let’s do this!” Adam had already turned off the TV and Xbox and was up on his feet.

Father and son walked up the stairs to Connor’s room to plan tomorrow's date. Adam was taking the steps up to Connor’s room two at a time. Connor looked back at his mother who was leaning against the wall. She smiled at him and mouthed a silent “Thank you” which he returned with a smile.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude was lying in his bed. This day had been intense. Thinking about it, his whole life had been intense, especially ever since Connor entered it just a few months ago.

He had talked to Hannah on the phone but he hadn’t mentioned the date. He wanted to keep it private, just something for him and Connor. He would tell her about it, someday. Probably.

Hannah had mentioned that Madison had asked about him, but she had been vague and the conversation had ceased when Ashley had joined them.

He and Connor had texted some. All Jude had to bring was his bike, Connor had assured.

Jude got a chill running down his spine thinking about when he came home earlier today. Once again he had almost been so careless not to compose himself before entering his house. This was the second time in a short amount of time that this had happened. Jude had to be more careful. He knew how important it was, how could he almost forget?

He knew what made him almost forget. Connor… Connor almost made him forget about everything else. He had this way of taking over everything that was Jude, every thought and action. Some might say this was romantic but Jude… Jude knew how dangerous it was.

However, Jude wasn’t listening to the voices at the back of his mind warning him of danger. He wasn’t paying attention that something inside him told him these voices also were the voices of reason. This night, he wouldn’t be bothered.

Jude was about to drift off to sleep after he’d been fighting the butterflies invading his stomach all night.

Tomorrow he was going on a date with Connor fucking Stevens. Jude quickly apologized to and for himself for swearing. He corrected himself.

_I’m going on a date with Connor Stevens._

_And it’s going to be fucking amazing._

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Adam had, finally, left Connor’s room. Although he had to admit that Adam’s enthusiasm had been very inspiring. He even had gotten some great ideas and tips from him. Even though Connor let Adam help for Adam’s own sake he hadn’t regretted it. Making Adam happy was the least he could do after everything he’s done for him.

Connor was lying on his bed on top of the comforter as he got to thinking about the following day. He was going on a date with Jude. Beautiful Jude. He had said yes. Connor smiled thinking about earlier today. Even though they’ve already held hands and even kissed Connor still had been shocked over Jude’s answer.

Connor thought about the possibility that he got to hold his hand tomorrow. That was all he wanted. Just to hold his hand. If he got to do that… Connor had to take deep breaths not to let the good kind of tears come out.

He just wanted to make Jude feel safe, the way that Connor felt safe when he was with him. His thoughts derailed some, towards darker places. Jude was still in his thoughts and Jude… Jude was not safe.

He took another deep breath, this time to calm himself down. He looked over at the drawer desk.

He had postponed this moment for a reason but now it was time.

Another deep inhale and he got up from his bed. He walked over to the desk, as he got there it took a full minute before he opened the drawer.

He picked up the silver pendant lying inside. His hand was steadier than he thought it would be. However, his breathing was not. He needed a focused exhale to calm him down.

Connor ran his thumb over the locket. He turned it around and looked at the backside before quickly turning it back. He shook his head thinking that life was unfair.

He opened the cap to the locket which forced him to close his eyes shut making tears start to run down his cheek’s.

He trembled.

_Oh Jude I wish you would tell me..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 47: Sweet memories made" is up Sunday the 3rd of April
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr


	47. Sweet memories made

Jude’s backpack probably had never been fuller than this Wednesday morning. He and Connor had agreed to meet up with their bikes at the parking lot after lunch. Jude just had to bring his bike, that was all. Of course Jude had brought a fresh set of clothes, you know… just in case he needed to change.

He’d also brought deodorant, hair wax, plasters and for some reason nail clippers. Jude didn’t know why but when he packed his backpack this morning it all seemed essential. He was, kind of, aware that he might be starting to lose his mind.

Hannah hadn’t suspected a thing when he told her he was going to take his bike to school instead of walking with his friends. Nope, she had no clue whatsoever. Jude was sure.

After he’d re-done his hair in the school bathroom before going to first period he texted Connor. Not that he really had anything to say.

“Hi C! Can’t wait for this afternoon.”

Before he went into the classroom he got a reply.

“Hi J! Me neither. Cya @ 12.30”

Jude smiled his way all through his English class. Time couldn’t move fast enough.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“So Jude, wild guess here that you’re going to study all afternoon?”

Chris smirked at him as the gang had gathered at their lunch table.

Jude had his chin resting in the palm of his hand while looking at Connor’s back as he was sitting in the other side of the cafeteria. Connor’s hair was amazing… and his shoulders was even broader than usual, and he was even more beauti-.

Hannah cleared her throat in order to get Jude’s attention.

“Umm… what?”

“You. Study. Today. Yes?” Chris repeated himself.

“Umm, yeah. Of course, you know me.” He gave them a nervous smile.

Hannah almost rolled her eyes out of her eyeballs. _Yeah right Jude…_

When lunch was over Jude lingered behind, he didn’t want to risk any of his friends wanting to walk with him to where he parked his bike.

“So, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow. I’m gonna get some studying done so…”

Jashlob, Madison and Chris said their goodbyes and walked away. Hannah stayed behind and said while disposing her left-overs and her tray.

“You know I saw something interesting this morning.”

“Ok, what did you see?”

“Oh nothing really, but you know how Connor’s mother always drives him to school as he lives kind of far away from Anchor Beach?”

Jude nodded.

“Funny thing, this morning I can swear I saw him taking his bike to school. He passed us when we walked.”

“Oh…” Jude tried to sound casual but he’d already started thinking of an excuse to tell Hannah, he knew where she was going with this.

“Yeah… what a coincidence it happened the same morning that you took your bike to school, for like the first time ever, I might add.”

At first, Jude didn’t say anything. He gave her an apologetically look feeling a bit ashamed. After a moment he whispered.

“Sorry…”

She turned to him before joining the others.

“It’s... It's ok. I don’t really know why you feel like you can’t tell me these sort of things but I just have to accept it I guess.”

She gave him a smile, seeing that Jude really was sorry about it. Jude didn't even identify it as a forced one.

“Have fun.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude was walking towards their rendezvous point. From a distance he saw that Connor was already waiting by their bikes.

“Hey!” Jude said, admittedly he had started to get a bit nervous. This was his first _real_ date. He had no idea whatsoever how to do this, he was hoping that Connor would.

“Hey! Finally. It was like time was going backwards there for a while.” Connor gave Jude a close-lipped smile, sounding slightly nervous himself.

Jude snickered. “Tell me about it…”

“Hey you look great… really.” Connor was looking at Jude from top to bottom. Of course Jude had made more than an effort. He had his favorite white long-sleeved button up shirt with a dark green vest over it which he just changed into in the bathroom. He’d even put on his tightest jeans. The one’s he’d got at the mall after Connor’s reaction had been… appreciating. His ass still barely fitting in them. They were _very_ comfortable of course.

 _Fashion before function_ had been repeated in Jude’s head several times this day.

For the record, Connor had noticed the jeans. He’d already made a mental note to avoid peeking at Jude’s derriere. Not that he imagined himself being successful at that the least credible.

Connor was showing a whole lot more skin. He had jeans shorts on, a dark blue bandana and a loose fit black and white tank top with the US flag as a print. Connor’s huge arms were shining as the warm San Diego sun hit his skin. Over the handlebar on his bike he’d folded a bright blue zip up hoodie. Even though it was a nice hoodie Jude kept thinking he didn’t mind if it stayed off Connor. I mean it was warm, surely a tank top should be sufficient… right?

“Ok let’s get going, follow my lead.” Connor said and with that he put on his hoodie and closed the zipper.

 _Of course…._ Apparently, Jude couldn’t have nice things.

“So where are we going?” Jude said after he’d put on his helmet, he did notice that Connor’s perfect hair wasn’t going to get messed up by some helmet. Jude knew he was among the only one’s his age still wearing a helmet while biking but it wasn’t something he cared about. His head was all he had, everything else on him was… not as important.

“You’ll see.” Connor smirked at Jude and got on his bike.

Jude sighed loudly to show Connor he disapproved. Jude had no idea what Connor was planning and he didn’t like it. Well he was on a date with Connor, nothing else was all that important really.

The moment Jude got on his bike he started to giggle. He had been kind of bubbling all day so it was only a matter of time.

“What are you laughing at?” Connor turned towards him as they were going side-by-side on the wide sidewalk.

“No nothing, it’s just… Well my first date has officially started. No biggie.” Jude was still not able to keep from giggling.

Seeing the undeniable happiness in Jude’s face was about to make Connor fall over before he got a hold of himself. This day was already one of the best in Connor’s life. Come to think about it, Connor have had a lot of those since Jude became part of his life.

Jude noticed that Connor was way more at home on his bike than he was. Connor often rode ahead, made some jumps and let go of his handlebar. Jude felt about 60 years old with the way he worried that Connor was going to fall over and hurt himself. He refrained from commenting.

Connor was leading them to the downtown beach area that’s mostly occupied with tourists. The locals usually avoided the area since it tended to get crowded.

“Hmm… so we’re going downtown?” Jude asked.

“Yeah.” Connor picked up his phone and looked at it using both hands. Jude didn’t even gulp or worry or anything like that…

“We’re going to be just in time. Perfect.”

“In time? We have reservations?” Jude said sounding suspicious.

“You have to wait and see. Patience Jacob.”

Jude sighed. Of course, he had none of that.

Before they parked their bikes on the main shopping street Connor took a moment looking at Jude. _How can someone look that good with a fucking helmet on?_ When Jude caught him looking at him he had to look away. _Unbelievable…_

“Ok Connor, where to?” Jude said and took off his helmet, immediately trying to fix his hair using his fingers.

“This way.” Connor once again had that smirk on his face as he leads the way dodging tourists carrying shopping bags from high-end boutiques.

“So I was thinking, after lunch, we should start off with something sweet. You up for that?” Connor said, hoping Jude was on board with the idea.

“Yeah, sounds good!” Jude was totally on board. In all honesty he even was a bit hungry already. Jude... hungry? Must be his body reacting in shock to physical activity.

Jude was grateful that there were so many people around. He was nervous enough as it was and being alone with Connor would most likely mean he wouldn’t be able to utter a word.

After walking in silence for a few minutes, going past stores with mostly well-known brands, Connor stopped.

“We’re here!” Connor looked proud over himself, giving Jude one of those Connor-smiles. You know the ones that were totally unfair to Jude since they made him lose focus.

Jude looked up and read the sign.

_No. Way._

He looked over at Connor.

_Are you kidding me?_

Connor’s wide smile lost some of the glow when he saw that Jude was looking… hesitant? Suspicious? Cautious?

“Umm… I know it’s kind of silly but I thought you’d like it… we can go somewhere else?”

Jude wasn’t being fair to Connor. Of course he wasn’t. He gathered himself and smiled at him.

“No, no… actually it’s kind of perfect.”

Connor laughed slightly, relieved that Jude genuinely seemed to like his idea but a bit confused over Jude’s sudden change.

Connor stepped up and held the door open for Jude who entered the building. The first thing both boys felt was the air conditioning cooling the large room, a drastic contrast from the warmth outside.

An overly-excited young man behind the counter greeted them.

“Hey guys, welcome to Haagen-Dazs!”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“I didn’t know you could make reservations at this place.” Jude said to Connor as they were seated by a small table next to the glass wall. The, still worked up, male employee picked up a hand-written piece of paper saying “Reserved” from their table.

“Usually we don’t but the young man that called was so sweet that we just couldn’t say no.”

Jude reacted to the man calling Connor sweet. _Back off man…_ He took a moment to observe him, he had shorts and a shirt in the Haagen-Dazs colors. The shirt wasn’t entirely clean and when Jude looked closely he could tell even his socks had… stains on them. Jude thought he looked kind of messy.

“It had to be perfect. I mean what if we got here and it would have been full?” Connor’s words made Jude stop observing the man standing by their table.

Jude and Connor looked around, of the roughly twenty available tables only one other had someone sitting by them. By the looks of it, it was an exhausted father who was rocking a stroller back and forwards while staring mindlessly at the floor. If Jude had to guess the only thing going through his head was something like ‘how did my life end up like this…’.

Jude giggled which made Connor smile.

“Ok sitting here now it does seem a little stupid.”

“So guys I’m Andrew. Normally you order at the cashier but I’m totally doing this _real-restaurant_ thing with you two.” Jude was now sure that this young man would get a heart-attack before turning 40, he was way to energetic for Jude’s taste.

Andrew gave them a menu in the form of a pamphlet.

Jude skimmed through the menu, one flavor immediately stood out to him.

“Chocolate Hazel Brittle for me please.”

Jude looked over at Connor as he ordered but he gave no reaction as he continued looking through his menu.

After Connor had ordered he took off his zip up hoodie and put it around his chair. Jude didn’t mind.

Both of them rested their arms on the small table, their hands perhaps a foot apart. Connor looked at Jude and Jude was looking at Connor’s hands, feeling Connor’s eyes on him.

When Jude had avoided looking up at Connor for as long as he could, which in all fairness probably wasn’t that long, he started to crack a smile.

“What?” Connor said, also smiling at the sight of a happy Jude.

“I don’t know… you, looking at me. It feels so weird.”

“Why?” Connor’s voice soft, he was enjoying this. Just sitting here with Jude, away from home and away from school. Just them.

Jude finally looked up and met Connor’s eyes. After a few seconds of eye-contact his eyes wander to Connor’s exposed shoulders. He looks at Connor’s arms, seeing the vein on his bicep. Jude shakes his head in disbelief.

“I like looking at you… d” Connor grinned like he’d made the joke of the century, clearly proud beyond words over himself.

Jude can’t help snickering at him.

“You are something else Connor Stevens.”

Connor closed his eyes for a split-second, feeling that warm sensation in his chest from hearing Jude say his full name. Connor got to thinking how weird Jude would find it if he wanted to record Jude saying it on his phone.

_Probably weird right? Yeah… weird. Maybe it’s worth it? Nah… too weird. Don’t blow this Connor._

“Hey by the way, why this place? I mean there are other ice cream shops.”

“ _Cheaper_ ice cream shops.” Jude added.

“Nah it had to be Haagen-Dazs.”

“Why?” Jude barely managed not to gulp.

“Because I know you like it. I’ve heard you mention it with the girls.” Connor paused, breaking eye-contact for a moment, looking like he’s trying to remember something.

“Thinking about it, sometimes you’ve talked about it when it hasn’t made any sense at all.”

Now Jude definitely gulped.

Jude looked over at Connor. Jude thought he looked so cute in his bandana and tank top, still deep in thought. He couldn’t help smiling at the young man sitting in front of him.

“So hey Connor, about… Haagen-Dazs. I need to tell you something.”

\----

“What!?” Connor had wide eyes while blushing immensely, it was a strange sight if you asked Jude.

“I’ve tried to make them stop…” Jude still felt kind of bad over it.

“They call me HD? Because she said… Oh my god…” Connor was hiding his face in his hands.

“I’m sorry…” Jude tried to give him a reassuring smile but it came out awkward.

Connor finally showed his face again, it was still red and he avoided eye-contact with Jude.

“I can’t… I mean… Who even says things like that?”

“Maddie. Maddie says things like that. All the time.”

“Oh god and I thought going here was a good idea, how stupid am I?”

Jude laughed.

“I think it’s perfect. I mean... yeah it’s kind of funny, but look at it this way… I think we’ll always remember it.”

Connor snickered, finally able to look at Jude again.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

As Jude was finishing off his ice cream, possibly while moaning, Connor said.

“You know for someone who’s an addict of diet sodas you sure love sugar.”

“Hey I’m not an addict. I’m an enthusiast.”

For a second Jude was thinking about saying something cheesy involving he just liked sweet things that were hazel but luckily enough he decided against it. _Get it together Jude that was too close… idiot._

“You ready to continue… our date?” Connor couldn’t believe he still blushed just saying the word _date_. He couldn’t wait for the day when he would stop being nothing but awkward in front of Jude. Any. Day. Now.

“Yeah let’s just pay and go.”

Jude made a move to go towards the cashier. Of course Connor wouldn’t have it.

“I’m paying Jacob.” Connor said it in a way that ended the discussion before it even started.

When Connor had payed he turned around and walked up to Jude. He could read Jude’s face.

“I asked you. I’m paying.”

Jude lo… liked many things about Connor. One of his favorite traits was that despite being perfect, Connor could be so adorably clueless.

As they unlocked their bikes, Connor looked like he had a revelation. He asked Jude.

“Ah, it all makes sense now! The thing Maddie said, that’s what ‘eating ass’ is right? You eat your favorite food like… directly from the... you know, butt?” Connor lowered his voice when uttering the last word.

Jude coughed violently as he was caught off guard by Connor’s words.

“Umm…” Jude didn’t know a lot about those kind of things. But he wasn’t as clueless as Connor. Thinking about it almost all of his _education_ on the subject has, fittingly enough, come from Maddie.

“It’s just, I saw the expression… on the Internet and I didn’t get it.”

“I don’t think that’s what it means Connor.” Jude was so not looking at Connor right now. Jude needed to get on his bike this very second.

“You sure?” Connor looked confused.

“Pretty sure Connor.” Jude figured he could sure use some of that blue make-up from Halloween right about now.

Connor looked disappointed. He was so sure he'd finally got it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 48: High on life" is up Tuesday the 5th of April
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr


	48. High on life

“So where are we going?” Jude asked when they had biked for fifteen minutes straight, just enjoying each other’s company. Jude noticed they were going away from the city.

“You’ll see… It’s a place me and my dad found, with some help, when we biked around during our first week here.”

They continued going away from the city and towards what Jude remember being a national park, even though he’d never actually visited it. Let's just say that excursions with Phil wasn't exactly on the menu, so to speak.

“Hey… Connor… you think we can take a break…” Jude was panting as they were going on an upward slope which made it difficult for him to keep up with Connor.

“Yeah sure! Sorry.”

They dismount their bikes and Connor hands over a bottle of water to Jude. Jude looked around the scenery which was mostly trees on both sides of the road they were on.

“Those jeans aren’t exactly made for biking huh?” Connor chuckled at Jude.

“No… not exactly.” Jude confessed.

“Sorry, I should have told you to wear something… more comfortable.”

Before Jude could say anything Connor filled in, with that smirk that Jude just couldn’t get enough of.

“Not that I’m complaining.”

Jude had to look away as he was getting tired of constantly blushing as soon as Connor gave him any form of compliment.

“So, how much further is it?”

“We’re almost there. We have to walk the last bit.” When he saw the worry in Jude’s eyes, Connor filled in. “It’s only a couple of minutes of walking, I promise.”

When Connor had made sure that Jude would make the remaining bike ride without passing out they continued.

As Jude had suspected they were going into the national park. The dirt roads were in good condition and Jude enjoyed looking at all the trees and vegetation surrounding them. Okay perhaps Jude also enjoyed looking at Connor who was leading the way. Jude had found something new on Connor’s body to worsh-… to appreciate. Jude found Connor’s calves very fascinating, all those years of playing soccer had… let’s just say that Jude appreciated them.

They hadn’t seen a single person since they got off the main road and entered the park. After a few minutes, Connor slowed down the pace.

“Ok Jude we’re here.” Connor got off his bike and parked it on the side of the dirt road. Jude could barely see ten feet into the dense forest.

“We’re going in… there?” Jude said, not feeling very sure about this.

 “Yupp.” Connor was locking his bike.

“Umm… did you bring… a machete or something?”

Connor laughed at Jude, who wasn't joking. He knew that Jude wasn’t exactly an outdoors kind of guy.

“Don’t worry. There’s a trail. I _do_ know you Jude.”

Jude smiled for himself. He liked that. Hearing Connor say that he knew him. Not letting the voices inside him tell him he was liar for more than a second.

The two of them took their backpacks and started walking on the trail that Connor pointed out. How he and Adam had found it in the first place was lost to Jude as it was almost hidden from the road.

“Wow, it’s really beautiful out here. Can’t believe I’ve never been here before.” Jude said. He noticed they seemed to be going towards higher ground.

“Yeah I know. We didn’t have these kinds of woods in Arizona. It’s really amazing.” Connor looked over at Jude who was looking around the surroundings in awe. Connor found himself lost just by looking at Jude, he couldn’t take his eyes off him. After a moment he realized that Jude was looking back at him.

“Hey, what are you looking at?” Jude asked and gave him a close-lipped smile.

“You.” Connor simply said and looked straight ahead.

Nope. Jude was most certainly not done blushing for the day.

They continued walking for a few more minutes until Connor said.

“Ok we’re here. Just follow my lead.”

Connor walked deeper into the forest and Jude followed. There was a hint of a trail but it was barely visible indicating it wasn’t used that much. More than ever Jude found himself being dressed quite awkwardly in his jeans, long-sleeved shirt and vest. Luckily the walk inside the vegetation was brief and shortly Jude could see the edge of the forest.

Connor got out of the forest first and stepped aside, when Jude got out his eyes widened.

“Wow…” That was all Jude was able to say.

His mouth was open as he took in the view. Apparently they must have been going upwards for a long time. They were standing near the edge of a cliff. From where they stood they could see almost all of San Diego. The clearing where they were standing was only about 20 feet wide, otherwise the forest grew to the edge of the cliff. 

“It’s beautiful…”

Connor flinched. Jude had taken a hold of his hand while he continued to just take in the view. Connor looked at Jude who looked like he was in trans, clearly taking him here was the right thing to do.

“You like it?” Connor’s voice almost cracked, the way that Jude looked was nearly too much for Connor to handle. Jude looked so… happy.

Jude took a moment before he could stop looking at the amazing view. He turned to Connor and looked him in the eyes.

“I love it.” With that, Connor stopped breathing. He became completely lost in Jude’s eyes. The spark was there in them. Connor loved that spark. He didn’t like it _a lot_. He loved it.

They continued looking at each other for a while longer. Suddenly, Connor saw a change in Jude’s eyes. Jude looked down at their connected hands and gasped for air, clearly Connor wasn’t the only one not breathing regularly.

Jude quickly disconnected their hands and looked down at the ground. Connor tried to read Jude’s face, he looked… troubled.

After Jude had taken a few deep breaths, noticeable even for Connor, he spoke softly.

“Did I… did I take your hand?”

Connor nodded slowly before realizing that Jude wasn’t looking at him.

“Yeah… you did.”

Jude swallowed hard.

Jude had a serious expression on his face before nodding slowly in confirmation.

Connor understood that Jude needed a moment so he didn’t push. He stood close to Jude to let him know he was there for him if needed.

After a while, when Jude seemed to be alright, Connor asked.

“You want to sit down? I brought a blanket.”

“Yeah… Sorry that I, you know… zoned out.”

“Don’t apologize Jude. You never have to apologize to me.” Connor said as he opened his backpack and took out a blanket.

Jude tried giving him a smile as a thank you.

“It’s really amazing you know… The view from up here. How did you find it?” Jude said as he sat down on the blanket Connor had folded out.

“Actually my dad read about it online. Some hikers had found it and recommended it on tripadvisor believe it or not.” Connor sat down beside Jude, their shoulders almost touching. Well it was more like Jude’s shoulder was almost touching Connor’s triceps but you get the idea.

“Ok. Thank you so much for taking me here. I really mean it. It’s breathtaking.”

Connor looked over at Jude who once again was looking from right to left, enjoying the view of the skyline and the beach that were visible at the horizon.

“You thirsty?” Connor asked.

Jude giggled. Remembering Madison using the expression a number of times.

“What?” Connor smiled while asking. Ever so clueless. 

“No, nothing… Yeah I am. Thirsty that is.”

Once again Jude was giggling. _God get it together Jude…_

“Ok… hopefully you’ll tell me someday what’s so funny.” Connor snickered, seeing Jude happy was all he really cared about anyways.

Connor reached into his backpack and took out a diet Pepsi that he gave to Jude.

“Your favorite.” Connor gave Jude a blinding smile. Jude didn’t have the heart or will to lecture Connor about the vast difference between diet Pepsi and diet Coke.

“Thank you.” Connor was still perfect if you asked Jude.

The two of them sat on the blanket in silence for a good fifteen minutes. Not once did it feel awkward for either one of them. The breeze from the ocean cooled them down as the sun for a moment disappeared behind some clouds.

Connor barely made out the words that was spoken from beside him, it was nothing more than a whisper.

“I’m so happy that you found me…” Jude was looking down at his lap, fiddling with his hands. Connor’s heart stopped when he saw that Jude had tears on his cheek.

“Hey don’t cry Jude. Please don’t cry.” Connor felt desperate.

Jude wiped his cheek with his shirt. “Sorry.”

“Hey… I’m happy that _you_ found _me_.”

Jude snorted at that.

“Connor, you are a bit more likely to be found than I am… trust me.”

Connor didn’t like Jude talking like that. It would be one thing if Jude said those things to get sympathy or just so he would get compliments or something like that. Thing was, and Connor knew this, Jude didn’t seek any of those things. For Jude it was an absolute and undeniable truth.

“Jude…” Jude was still looking down.

“Jude, look at me... Please.”

Jude closed his eyes. Connor begging him, there still was no way of refusing him.

Connor’s heart skipped a beat when Jude’s eyes, slightly red from the tears, locked onto his.

“Jude you must know… that I… like you.” Connor cursed himself for not being braver.

Jude gulped. He had to breathe through his nose as Connor’s eyes was piercing through him.

“I… I like you too.”

Connor’s jaw kept moving slightly from left to right, Jude noticed as he always did.

“Yeah but I… I more than like you Jude. I…”

Jude’s eyes flickered down towards his own chest, his heart was beating so fast that he by instinct had to check if everything was alright.

Finally, Connor spoke.

“I… I’ve never felt like this...”

“Me neither.” Jude said, not missing a beat and certainly not breaking eye-contact.

Time once again was not a factor to take into account as Jude and Connor sat on the cliff with all of San Diego on display in front of them. Not that the view from the cliff mattered one bit. Like so many times before, they only have eyes made for looking at each other.

After… “ _time”_ Jude took his hand and moved it up against Connor’s face. Like Connor had done for him he stopped when just inches away. Connor nodded slowly and Jude’s fingertips touched Connor’s cheek. After a moment Jude put the palm of his hand on his cheek.

Jude smiled before speaking.

“I just had to check.”

“Check what?”

“That you are real…”

Connor snickered.

“Am I warm?”

Jude nodded.

 _“Like the sun…”_ He whispered to himself.

“What?” Connor didn’t hear him.

Jude didn’t repeat himself.

Connor closed his eyes and leaned into Jude’s touch. He never wanted this moment to end. They should just stay here on this cliff forever and that would mean that Connor would get to live the perfect life. 

Connor opened his eyes again and looked at Jude. There was something else he wanted to do. And by god did he want to do it.

Jude let go of Connor’s cheek, something he instantly regretted.

“Jude…?”

“Mhm?” Jude figured that speaking would most likely make him sob as he felt overly emotional so he just hummed. Since the lake, he hadn't touched Connor besides holding his hand.

“Can I… kiss you?”

“Yes.” Responding to that question was apparently important enough for Jude to take the chance.

Connor hesitated for a moment.

“God… why am I so nervous?” It was even accompanied with a nervous laugh.

The only thing Jude kept thinking was that it was no way that Connor was more nervous than he was.

The serious expression on their faces returned when their eyes locked. After a few more moments of irregular breathing, Connor started leaning over and down towards Jude.

Connor's naked arm made contact with Jude’s shoulder as he was leaning in from the side, making Jude inhale through his nose. Jude could feel Connor’s body heat through his shirt. Connor stopped as he always did, giving Jude the option to back away.

Jude ceased the opportunity and leaned up, closed his eyes and then he closed the gap between them catching Connor by surprise, Connor barely got the time to close his eyes before Jude’s lips were on his own.

Connor involuntarily let out a soft moan as the sweet taste of Jude’s lips filled him entirely. Connor moved his lips against Jude’s, tasting as much of him that was possible with a close-lipped kiss.

Jude’s head was swimming and he felt dizzy but he didn’t care. He wasn’t going to break this kiss if it so made him pass out. Not a completely unlikely scenario, Jude knew.

Connor parted his lips a fraction of an inch and tasted more of Jude’s lower lip that was in-between his own lips. Jude responded by parting his own lips, slightly more than Connor as he deepened the kiss. Jude’s hand had returned to caressing Connor’s cheek, fingertips stroking the strands of Connor’s hair.  

Connor couldn’t get enough of Jude, the taste of his lips felt addictive. On the high of the kiss Connor took the next step as his tongue gently made contact with Jude’s lips. Jude moaned from the sensation of having Connor sucking lightly on his lower lip, louder than he wanted. Connor reacted by pulling back his tongue, not wanting to push Jude.

Jude made a displeased sound and deepened the kiss further, sucking on Connor’s upper lip while touching it with his tongue.

Connor moaned softly and his tongue made contact with Jude’s which caused them both to whimper. In a very manly way of course.

Their tongues moved slowly against each other as they both didn’t want to rush this moment. Connor could taste the Pepsi Jude had drunk and Jude could taste Connor, it tasted like he smelled and it was the best taste Jude had ever experienced. It was a salty musk and Jude could never get enough.

As Jude’s lips and tongue gently moved against his own, Connor experienced a heating sensation settling in his lower stomach. The feeling of Jude kissing him back, Jude not holding back, Jude lips and tongue telling Connor that he wanted this as much as Connor wanted this… saying that Connor’s head was swimming was an understatement.

When the both of them went out of air at the same time they reluctantly pulled back from each other.

Connor looked at Jude who still had his eyes closed, he was taking shallow breaths and his lips were a bit swollen and more red than usual. Connor wanted… no Connor needed to see his eyes… if it was there.

Jude opened his eyes slowly. It was there. Clearer than ever. Connor couldn’t hold back exhaling while smiling widely at Jude.

Jude smiled and Jude… yes Jude was blushing as Connor found it impossible to look away from him. Jude closed his eyes for a moment and pushed his forehead against Connors.

Both boys were snickering, high on life and the feeling of being in… in each other’s company.

“So that was making out?” Jude said with a hint of laughter.

“Mhm…” Connor affirmed.

“I… I can see what the fuzz is about.” Jude was still giggling slightly while talking.

“Is it always like this?” Jude asked Connor, still forehead to forehead.

“No… it’s never like this.” Connor said.  

“Well I mean, now it was… but it’s never been before.” Connor corrected himself.

“I got it… dork.”

Their foreheads parted as they pulled back, regaining his previous positions sitting side-by-side.

Jude scooted closer to Connor so that their legs and arms were touching. Connor put his hand, palm up, on his leg close to his knee. Jude grabbed it without hesitating, Connor noticed.

After a while, Connor spoke while still looking out over San Diego.

“Thank you…”

“For what?”

“For not making fun of me… when we, you know…“ Connor took a moment before he continued.

“I know you noticed.”

Jude snickered softly. He had noticed.

“It’s kind of _hard_ not to notice.” Jude felt so proud of himself, puns were always his absolute favorites.

Connor smiled, Jude’s jokingly tone made him blush just slightly.

They sat there for several minutes, looking over San Diego and perhaps they stole a glance of each other every now and then. Very discreetly of course.

Connor didn’t ever want to leave this place. It was only them and that was exactly what Connor wanted. It wasn’t that Jude was a different person when they were alone, but Jude was a happier person. Connor was not an idiot, he noticed the way Jude tensed up in everyday situations, like he worried about everything.

When they were alone, Jude looked carefree. Well sometimes he did. When Connor didn’t fuck things up with being awkward, Jude sometimes looked carefree. However, it's only when they have been alone that Connor’s seen the spark in Jude’s eyes. Connor’s plan to make that spark a permanent thing hadn’t changed.

Sitting beside Connor, Jude was fighting his tears. It was hard for him to handle all the emotions he was feeling. He knew that his walls were down and they’ve never been down before. The only thing scaring him was the fact that it didn’t scare him. Sitting here with Connor, he felt… safe. It’s the best feeling in the world. He didn't want to show Connor what a mess he was around him, that was the only reason he was holding back.

Jude leaned his head and rested it on Connor’s shoulder. Connor responded by leaning his head, resting his cheek on Jude’s hair. 

After a few minutes Jude spoke, despite whispering his voice cracked as he was on the verge of tears.

“Th-.. thank you.”

“For what?” Connor whispered back.

Jude sniffled. Connor got his answer as Jude responded by tightening the grip on his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 49: Locked away" is up Thursday the 7th
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr, warning - constant Gavin stanning


	49. Locked away

Thursday morning and Jude was walking to school with his friends. He was still high on the feeling from his date with Connor.

The date had been everything he’d dreamed of it to be and more than that. Connor taking him to Haagen-Dazs was something Jude now considered to be nothing less than perfect. He would never ever forget it. That however, was nothing compared to the feeling he got from thinking about the two of them sitting on that cliff over-looking San Diego.

Jude had felt the change between them. Even before they kissed… okay maybe they even made out, whatever. Before that he had felt it, he was falling deeper and deeper into this thing with Connor. He didn’t know if there was any possibility of getting out if he wanted to. Luckily, Jude didn’t want to. He wanted to stay with Connor for as long as he could.

“So I take it that yesterday went well?” Hannah said in a low voice to him as they walked a few feet behind the others.

“Yes… yes it did.” No point in lying now was it, Jude figured.

“So listen… I’m not sure but I think that Maddie suspects something.”

“Why do you think that, and suspects what?”

“Well yesterday she kept asking things about you… and Connor. She didn’t say it out loud but she implied things.”

“Like what?”

“A few things she’d noticed. And especially from the Halloween-party, when Connor obviously ran after you and never came back.”

Jude felt uneasy. He didn’t want anyone to know as he knew from observing other’s how fast rumors and speculations got around.

“Ok… thanks for telling me.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“Ok students that’s it for today. Don’t forget the assignment that’s due Wednesday next week.” Mrs. Porter dismissed her students before turning to Jude.

“Jude, can you stay behind, I want to talk to you.”

None of the other students reacted to that, that Jude and Mrs. Porter were close was no secret. 

Normally, Jude wouldn’t mind one bit talking with Mrs. Porter. However, this time he kind of had… plans. They were not complicated plans but as they involved Connor they were kind of critical.

“So Jude… how are you?” Mrs. Porter asked when the other students had cleared the room.

Jude was taken aback, not expecting a question like that. He even frowned at her.

“Umm… I’m… good?”

Mrs. Porter smiled at him.

“Yeah, I’ve… noticed that.”

Jude didn’t know what to say, he still felt a bit stressed out over the possibility of being late.

“You want to talk about it?” Mrs. Porters warm smile and kind tone soothed Jude, she knew him better than he wanted to admit.

“Not really… Abigail, but thank you.”

“Ok. Well I can’t tell you how happy seeing you the way you’ve been these last months has made me.” Abigail Porter meant every word she said, Jude could tell.

“You’re… changed.” The tone of her voice made it obvious the change was a welcomed one.

Jude smiled at her. If he could he would share the source of his happiness with her, he really would. He wanted her to, for once, hear him talk about something positive.

Before Jude left the classroom he turned around and asked her, not able to refrain from smiling.

“How could you tell?”

“Oh, just because I'm old doesn't mean I don't see things.”

They stood there for a moment just smiling at each other.

“Ok run off now Jude, you’re going to be late to wherever there is you want to be.”

Long after Jude had left, Mrs. Porter still felt a warm feeling inside. She had almost given up hope that she’d get to see Jude Jacob like that. The last few months he’d almost seemed like all the other student, almost.

Her smile faded as her mind involuntarily was filled with memories of times passed. It’s been four years since she had been walking down the hallway going home after a hard day’s work. The students were long gone but as she passed the lockers she heard… something.

Mrs. Porter flinched, the memory still affected her more than she found reasonable. Time should have done a better job at making it fade.

Her mind fast-forward to her getting a bolt cutter for the padlock, opening up the locker and finding 12-year-old Jude sitting in a catatonic state. She still remembers him looking so… small and fragile, like a child. She wasn’t able to make him move for a good fifteen minutes. Hearing the sounds coming out of Jude those fifteen minutes had been the hardest moment for her in, by then, 52 years of living.

She remembers it distinctively. How he asked for his mother, he pleaded and begged for his mother between his violent sobs. Of course Mrs. Porter knew Jude’s mother had been dead for over seven years which made the situation... disturbing. A 12-year-old shouldn’t say things like that.

There were… other things said, things Mrs. Porter forced away from thinking about. Jude had later denied them, saying he was just upset.

That day, over four years ago, was the start of their unlikely friendship. She tried so many times to get him to talk but he never really opened up to her. However, he knew that he could always come to her room. Sometimes he came to her room and just sat on her couch and wrapped his arms around his legs without saying a word. Sometimes he came to her room and just cried, never once telling her why.

She already knew that Jude was something of a child prodigy. It was during the times when Jude found shelter in her office that they started exploring just how beautiful a mind he had. They’ve started out with grading other student’s papers. Sure Abigail knew it wasn’t 100 % ethical but honestly she didn’t care, she’d do whatever it takes to help Jude. Turned out that he, already at the age of 12, had surpassed her in the art of mathematics.

At the beginning they always sat in silence, merely communicating by smiling and nodding at each other. Abigail smiling more than Jude did. With time Jude became more and more comfortable around her, they sometimes even talked about everyday kind of things. Maybe that doesn’t sound all that astounding but from the place Jude was at when she found him in that locker... the change was evident.

Abigail missed having him around but she knew that him not coming to her office not even once this semester was a good thing. A few weeks ago had been one of the best days in a long time for her. She was taken off guard when out of the blue Jude had looked at her and… and it was just there. It was there in his eyes, like he tried to tell her that perhaps things are going to turn out alright after all.

Abigail knew that she could never heed Jude’s request from sitting inside that locker. But she had tried, to the best of her efforts, she had tried.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude was panting some as he had all but outright ran the last bit before meeting up with Connor. The boy with the hazel eyes was waiting for him outside the cafeteria.

“Hey, you made it.” Connor lit up when Jude came around the corner and their eyes met.

“Sorry, Mrs. Porter wanted something after class.”

“It’s ok… I’m just happy that I got to see you before tomorrow.”

“Yeah me too… plaid boy.” Jude smirked and acknowledge Connor wearing his signature outfit, a bright multicolored plaid shirt and skinny jeans.

Connor chuckled before jokingly wiggling his eyebrow.

“I know you like it.”

“I do…” Jude said fondly and exhaled, not wanting it to sound as pathetic as it probably did.

Connor laughed again. He’d missed him. Even though it was only yesterday that they had been just the two of them on the cliff, he’d already missed him. _I’m so screwed…_

“It sucks we don’t get to see each other until tomorrow. With my soccer practices and everything. But we’ll see each other after the game, right?”

Jude bit his lip.

“Actually… I can’t. There’s… something I need to do. Sorry.”

Connor’s face couldn’t hide his disappointment.

“I’m really sorry, you know I want to… It’s just… It’s important.”

“It’s alright… I believe you. But you’re still watching the game right?”

Jude felt he could punch Connor right now. Those puppy-eyes are not okay to use. They are so completely unfair.

“Yes of course. Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Lucky for Jude he didn’t have to try and say no to them.

“Great!” Connor said and sighed from relief. Having Jude there felt important to him.

Connor thought for a while before continuing.

“So… you think we can, hang out-” Connor paused a second as Jude giggling interrupted him. “Not like that.”

“Sorry.” Jude got his giggling under control, Connor couldn’t stop from chuckling slightly at the sight of Jude trying to compose himself.

“You think we can _spend some time_ together on Saturday?” Connor asked.

Jude wanted to say yes immediately. However, he knew that Fridays conversation could get… intense, they always did in the past.

“I… I don’t know, I have this… thing. Can I text you Friday night? If… it’s not too late.” Jude bit his lip again, knowing his answer might disappoint Connor.

Connor’s reaction was as expected. Jude could easily see the slight look of disappointment once again written over Connor’s face. Jude had noticed that Connor was not an expert at hiding his emotions.

“I want to Connor.” Jude filled in. “I _promise_.”

Jude knowing the effect those word had on Connor he made sure to use it only when needed. It worked, Connor’s face regained the luster from before.

“I guess there’s no idea asking you what you’re going to do Friday afternoon?”

Jude’s stomach clenched some. Connor had never asked him something like that. He always let Jude decide when to tell him something. And as if on cue…

“Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that… You don’t have to tell me. It’s just… I… You can tell me anything Jude.” Connor had noticed. “I want you to know that.”

_Still perfect…_

Jude nodded despite knowing fully well he couldn’t tell Connor everything.

After a few moments Jude remembered to pick up his phone and check the time.

“Ok… I need to go before… you know…”

“Yeah I know… So, I’ll see you tomorrow at the game.”

Some students were passing them going into the cafeteria. Connor looked around before leaning in towards Jude. Jude’s breath was caught in his throat.

No Connor wasn’t doing _that_ , he leaned in and whispered in Jude’s ear.

“So I want to kiss you but I know I can’t but just imagine that I just did.” He leaned back and smirked at Jude.

Jude didn’t want to blush over Connor-the-super-dork’s words but of course he did.

“I can see that you did.” Connor still smirked at Jude, feeling good about himself.

Jude had no idea where it came from but he retaliated within a split-second. Glancing down towards below Connor’s stomach.

“I can see you didn’t. Nope, can’t see a thing…”

Connor blushed immensely. “Shut up…” He got to say before turning around, walking red-faced into the cafeteria.

Turned out Connor left just in time because not five seconds later his five friends came walking towards him.

“Hey Jude, you ready for lunch?” Chris was apparently in a good mood.

“Yeah of course, been waiting forever for you guys.” Perhaps not entirely true.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Hannah and Jude were walking home from school. Usually they would by now be discussing everything and anything, but this time they had been walking in an awkward silence for several minutes. Minutes that had felt like hours.

Hannah finally sighed, knowing full well that Jude might never start speaking.

“So…”

No response from Jude.

“Jude, is it always going to be like this?”

“Like what?” Jude’s voice small. He felt ashamed without really knowing why.

“Like this… You... Not sharing things with me.”

Jude looked down and tightened the grip of the straps to his backpack.

“I mean I get it. I… I really do. You’re scared what happens if the wrong person finds out.”

Jude gulped, still not talking.

“But you have to know that I’ll never tell, right? I will never _accidently_ tell anyone. I’ll never tell someone saying _‘Oh I have to tell you something but you can’t tell anyone I told you’_ or anything like that.”

Jude gave her a soft smile. He mostly did because of that Hannah had, deliberate or not, imitated Madison’s voice to perfection. He still didn’t know what to say, this path was so dangerous, more dangerous than she could possibly know.

“It’s just…” She sighs again, sounding exhausted. “I’ve… been there for you. For the… bad times. And Jude, there’s been some bad times.” Jude’s soft smile gone again. She was right, she’s been there for some bad times.

“And maybe I’m selfish but I really want to be there for the good times. You know?”

She looked over at him, pleading. Of course Jude didn’t know how much Hannah needed this. Hannah prayed every night before going to bed, this he knew. He didn’t know that she, each day, to this very day still asked God to keep Jude from… not wanting to be around anymore. Keep him from finally giving up.

“I know I can’t make you but please just tru-“

“We kissed.” Jude interrupted her and then he looked over at her. He was met with wide eyes, Hannah seemed to be in shock. Of course Jude had to fill in.

“With tongues.”

Yes, Hannah squealed and almost looked like she was about to cry. She stopped dead in her tracks.

“No way!” 

Jude nodded while grinning widely. He only wished he’d filmed Hannah’s reaction or something.

They continued walking home, and before they’d parted ways Jude had shared some, but not all, of the memories he’d created with Connor. Happy memories. While he still had them.

The notion of his walls coming down gave him an ambiguous feeling. It felt good but at the same time it felt unsafe. What scared him was the voice telling him that the good feeling probably was a more short-termed one than the other one was…

 

Little did he know that during these last days of the week, Jude would have to take life-changing decisions. Decisions a 16-year-old should never have to take.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 50: Gameday" is up Saturday the 9th
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr, add/msg me to talk about Waterloo, Lord Gavin or something else


	50. Gameday

_Friday afternoon, Jude’s house_

Jude was serving dinner to Phil who were watching his every move. Jude didn’t once look at Phil.

School had gone well. Jude had forced himself to concentrate on school work and school work only. If he’d let his mind wander to what was going to occur this afternoon, he wouldn’t have gotten anything done for sure.

First of all, there was Connor’s game. Jude knew that it was an important game for him, he was even a bit nervous about it. Jude also knew that Connor had nothing to be worried about at all, there was no question about that he would be the best one out there. Jude didn’t really get that Connor probably wouldn’t care about how good he had been playing if his team lost. 

However, Connor’s game was nothing compared to what would happen afterwards. His meeting... Jude would be a fool not to be worried about it, which in a way felt weird for him as he was the one who wanted... no needed, this. He know what he wants from the meeting but it was also one of the things he feared the most, the thing he’d been avoided for too long.

Jude wanted to get a reality check from the one person that already had saved his life, probably more than once. The advice given to him today, he intended to follow no matter what. Well that’s what he told himself but sometimes… sometimes Jude wishes he was better at fooling himself than he was.

“Soccer game tonight.” Phil suddenly said, not asking.

“Yes… have to be there 5.15.” Jude controlled his voice as always, being polite was key.

Phil cut his steak, before putting the piece of meat in his mouth he stated more than he asked.

“Connor’s going to play.”

“Yes. And Chris and Jacob as well.” Jude didn’t feel like eating before their conversation started, now he was unable to even look at his food. He felt like he wanted to throw up.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Phil was eating and  was Jude picking at his food. Jude hated hearing Phil eat. Every time he swallowed, Jude felt disgusted to a point that he almost couldn’t hide his resentment.

“You’re not going to eat? You’ll never be a big strong man if you don’t eat Jude.”

Jude could hear the mocking tone. Phil was smiling that smile that could make his blood freeze. Phil making fun of how he looked was nothing new. Jude was unable to speak, he kept looking down at his plate, wishing that Phil was finished for the evening.

He was not.

“You know what I was thinking Jude… Since you’re already cheering for Connor you should try out for cheerleader.”

Jude bent his head forwards, hiding most of his face while he closed his eyes and breathed through his nose.

“I can picture you in one of those outfits…” He could hear Phil grinning, barely keeping from laughing.

“You know, one of those with a skirt and a top, so you can show everyone your... beautiful stomach.” Phil was talking slowly, putting emphasise on every other word. After mentioning Jude's stomach he let out a snort, marking his own resentment towards the small boy sitting in front of him.

Jude forced himself to think about something else, think about a place far far from here. He thought about the lake when he touched Connor’s shoulder, he thought about holding his hand, he thought about their first kiss, he thought about the cliff.

After Phil had watched Jude trying to hide away in his head he suddenly started to chortle. 

“I’m sorry Jude, it’s just… I couldn’t help picturing it you know.” Of course Phil wasn’t sorry and he wasn’t asking Jude to forgive him.

After a while, Phil stood up. Before leaving he looked Jude in the eyes.

“No one can know.” In order to let him know the seriousness of his words, Phil let his gaze set into Jude for a few seconds before he left the kitchen. The second Phil left the kitchen Jude started to tremble. Something was not right, not that Jude thought that things were ever right in this house, but Phil was engaging him more often than he usually did. Had he noticed? _No I've been so careful... he couldn't have noticed..._  

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude parked his bike behind the bleachers of the soccer stadium. He was a bit late since he had a hard time focusing after the dinner with Phil.

“Hey where have you been!? The game is about to start.” Hannah said as he took a seat that the girls had saved for him.

“Sorry. Dinner took longer than expected.” Jude tried to give them all a reassuring smile.

The teams were warming up when Jude saw that Adam and Mia were waving at him from a few seats over. He waved back and smiled as seeing them, or perhaps mostly Adam, always made him feel better.

Jude had already seen him. Of course he had. Connor stood out like a lighthouse in the night, and that had not anything to do with him being bigger than most of the other players. Connor looked focused as he was stretching his muscular legs. He looked focused, until his eyes found Jude that was, since doing so made him smile that signature war-ending-smile of Connor’s while waving furiously at Jude.

When the teams gathered by their respective benches Hannah leaned in and whispered.

“Just so you know, that was _very_ discreet.”

Jude’s eyes never left number six. He could swear that those shorts kept getting tighter for each passing day… Jude felt bad about glancing towards Madison’s binoculars before shaking the idea out of his head.

The opposing team were from Spring Valley and they had been one of the better teams last year. If this was true, Connor’s team were going to have a good season. As expected, Anchor Beach’s tactics were based around Connor. Every offensive play involved him in some way. It had taken three minutes for Spring Valley to have two defenders point marking him.

By half-time the score was 2-0 to Anchor Beach FC and it could have been an even bigger lead than that. Connor hadn’t scored but he assisted on both occasions. He got one shot off from over 30 yards with such force that the goalie didn’t even have time to react before it hit the crossbar, wowing the crowd.

“Damn, Connor is on fire.” Ashley concluded when the half-time whistle went off.

“Yes he sure is. Spring Valley need three guys just to deal with him, leaving Chris and Mike constantly in the open.” Jude, of all people, said with way more enthusiasm than he’s ever had talking about soccer before.

The three girls looked over at him, he shrugged. “Just saying.”

Connor was lying on his back on the grass with one leg up in the air that one of the assistant coaches were holding, helping him to stretch. Connor had run a lot and as he was constantly attended by the other players he was understandably tired. Jude found relief in that Connor could get tired as he hadn’t seen the concept manifest itself before.

If Jude had been paying attention he would have noticed that the defenders that were point marking Connor were in serious need of oxygen masks.

When Connor was done stretching he once again looked up towards the bleachers, he gave a thumbs up to Mia before his eyes went to Jude. He couldn’t help it… those hazel eyes, even though he was too far away to actually see the hazel, still made his knees week. Jude was grateful that he was already sitting down.

Jude returned the smile while they just looked at each other from a distance for… probably no longer than a few seconds but no one really knows. Connor had to break eye-contact when coach called him over for some last minute pep talk.

Being the pathetic boy that he was, Jude actually sighed and rested his chin in the palm of his hand. This action earned a snicker from Hannah which she quickly hid when he looked over at her sternly.

As the players were taking the field he felt a buzz in his pocket. He picked up his phone, it was a text from Hannah. He could read it without unlocking his phone.

 _““I just like him. A lot.””_ The message was accompanied with a kissing-emoji.

Once again he looked over at Hannah with a disapproving look. She kept looking forward clearly doing her very best, which wasn’t very good, not to break out laughing.

Just like the first half of the game, Connor played on a higher level than the other 19 players out on the field. Ten minutes into the second half Connor received a pass with his back turned against the two defenders that had the godforsaken job to try and keep up with him. Connor looked up and noticed his teammates were nowhere near.

Connor looked over his shoulder and when both of them closed in on him Connor heeled the ball and ran around the one on his left, who he knew was a bit slower. The ball went between the legs of one of the defenders and Connor was fast enough to run around them and get the ball before they could turn around and catch up to him.

One-on-one with the goalie Connor made no mistake. When the goalie came out to try and intercept him Connor looked up and chipped the ball in a perfect arc over the goalie and into the net.

Jude might be a bit biased but it was the most impressive and beautiful thing he’d ever seen on a soccer field. And that goal was pretty nice too. The crowd were giving him standing ovations and cheered loudly.

“JESUS CHRIST! Did you see that?!” Madison was screaming because it was needed if anyone was going to be able to hear her.

Jude got a warm feeling in his stomach as Connor, immediately after his teammates were done hugging him, looked up and flashed him a Connor-smile.

Five minutes later, the two defenders trying to handle Connor signaled that they needed to be substituted. Connor was still running at near full capacity and they looked close to death trying to keep up with him. Even Jude knew that it wasn’t a good thing for a team that trailed 0-3 when they have to substitute in two defenders.

The two new guys could keep up with Connor somewhat, not that surprising since Connor has been running for an hour and they haven’t. Chris played a good game, he and Connor often involved in everything offense-wise. Jacob that plays in the defense for Anchor Beach must have had a boring evening. Spring Valley barely had the chance to go on offense since Connor and the rest were constantly steering up trouble.

With fifteen minutes left Connor made a long run at such speed that the defenders couldn’t catch up to him. Chris passed it perfectly in-between them and with one touch Connor shot the ball with such force that you could hear the sound coming from the goal post from miles away. Once again the goalie didn’t even have the chance to react as the ball travelled way too fast.

Jude noticed that, even though Connor didn’t score, this made Spring Valleys coach look over at coach Michaels. The Spring Valley coach just shook his head and laughed which earned a chuckle from coach Michaels, both coaches clearly impressed by Connor.

With ten minutes left of the game, coach Michaels received the signal from Connor that he was exhausted. When the speaker announced that Connor was being substituted the whole crowd sitting on the bleachers stood up and gave him a standing ovation, Jude had never seen that happen before.

Even though Jude most certainly had nothing to do with Connor’s achievement on the field he still felt immensely proud over him. He knew how much this game meant to him.

The game ended 4-0 to Anchor Beach, a score that surely would send the message to the other teams that Anchor Beach was going to be a contender for the number one spot.

The players thanked each other for the game, all the players in Spring Valley embraced Connor and from the looks of it they complimented him for the way he played.

The speaker was about to announce which player had been chosen as the most valuable player when Madison leaned in.

“Don’t worry Jude, your husband-to-be will get it for sure.”

Jude looked over at Madison, lips parted, not knowing what to say. Madison responded by giving him a mischievous smile while blinking one eye at him. Jude didn’t know what to say but the moment was interrupted as the speaker started talking.

“Voted most valuable player, chosen by a unanimous jury. From Anchor Beach, wearing number six... Connor Stevens!”

Jude knew that Connor probably found the situation a bit awkward and he was right, Connor looked uncomfortable when he walked up to receive what looked like a small diploma of some sort. And oh… apparently Connor also received a small teddy bear that was dressed like a soccer player. Not that it was relevant but Jude could think of the perfect place in his room for that teddy bear to sit. Not that it was relevant.

_You better give me that teddy bear Connor…_

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

After the crowd had left, Jude joined the Stevens’s that were waiting for Connor who was still having some kind of post-match-discussion along with the rest of the team.

“Hey Jude! Enjoyed the game?” Adam was in a good mood.

“Hi Adam. Hi Mia. Yeah I did, Connor was great.”

“Hi Jude. Yes, he played good today. You know I think he might have wanted to impress a certain someone.” Mia said winking at Jude.

It became obvious to Jude that Connor wasn’t the only Stevens that could make him blush. He had to look away which caused Adam to chuckle softly.

“You coming over tomorrow? Connor told us you might. You know I can pick you up if you want to.”

“Yeah… Ma-maybe. I don’t know yet. But I can take my bike if I can come, thanks anyway.” Jude felt a bit uncomfortable, hoping that Adam wouldn’t question why he didn’t know.

Jude didn’t know how well Connor had _educated_ Adam on the do’s and don’t’s regarding Jude. Connor had been very clear on the subject of pushing Jude and Adam, being the observer he was, had noticed.

“Hey!” Jude turned around and Connor came… running. He was actually running. Jude shook his head.

Connor was soaked in sweat, coming up to Jude and his parents.

“I’m so glad you came. It… meant a lot.” Connor was clearly addressing Jude and Jude only.

Adam and Mia shared a look, trying not to be offended by the fact that their son still hadn’t acknowledged their presence.

“I told you I’d come…” Jude figured it was because of Connor’s parents standing beside them that he was slightly nervous.  

“You were great. Really…”

“Thanks…”

Adam had to put his hand over his mouth not to get too emotional seeing Jude and Connor both looking down at their feet, nervously avoiding eye-contact.

After a moment, Connor could feel Jude’s eyes on him which made him look up and meet them. Looking into Jude’s huge deep brown eyes still affected his breathing, that much was clear.

“So listen… I gotta g-go…” Jude finally spoke.

“Yeah… that thing. You’ll text… tonight?”

Jude nodded. “I will.”

Connor gave him a close-lipped smile while holding up his hands, folding his fingers. “Fingers crossed.”

Jude said goodbye to Connor and his parents and walked towards his bike. He had time but he really didn’t want to be late.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude’s anxiety rose as he got closer to their meeting place. It had been a while since they met. Perhaps that was a good sign, that this meant that Jude was becoming more independent, that he could make own rational decisions. Perhaps he’s just been afraid.

Jude leaned his bike towards a palm tree. The bench was empty. He was the first one to arrive. He checked the time, five minutes to spare. He took a few steps on the sand. The beach was desolate except for a few kids running and playing some hundred yards away.

Jude sat down on the bench, closed his eyes and took some deep breaths. He needed to calm down. He needed to be focused. He needed to explain and he needed to listen. Both things being absolutely crucial. Beyond all, he was terrified what kind of answers he would get…

Jude was startled when the empty space on the bench beside him was filled with a familiar figure.

“Hello Jude.”

Jude gulped and opened his eyes.

“Hello…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 51: Conflict of interest" is up Sunday the 10th.
> 
> Ok so double updates this weekend, next chapter up tomorrow.
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr


	51. Conflict of interest

They sat in silence. Both of them looking out towards the ocean, the wind making sitting on the bench by the beach a bit chilly.

Jude leaned forward, elbows on his knees and covering his mouth and nose with his hands. He didn’t know where to start and what to say. _It’s been so long ago. Maybe it’s been too long._

“You’ve grown up…” The man sitting on his left said, breaking the silence.

Jude nodded to himself, still looking at the waves coming in.

“Yeah… I guess.”

Silence once again. Jude had thought about this for so long, what he was going to say. But now, sitting here, he didn’t know how to get the words out.

After a few minutes, the man spoke again.

“I’ve thought about you Jude. Many times.”

Jude gulped. _It’s been too long._

“I’m… I was happy to get your text. I… I was fearing the worst.”

Jude rubbed his eyes with both palms of his hands.

“I’m sorry…” Jude sniffled, he didn’t really know why.

“It’s alright Jude. I’ve told you many times that you don’t owe me anything.”

“I owe you everything.” Jude resonded quickly, finally looked over at the man sitting beside him.

Jude couldn’t hide his reaction. His eyes must have widened from the sight.

“I know… I know. I don’t look too good.” The man said while looking directly at Jude.

“But… but… I thought…”

The man shook his head.

“The drugs aren’t working anymore. It’s… progressed.”

Jude’s jaw began to tremble.

“No Jude don’t be sad. My body’s been fighting this for so long. It is… time.”

Jude sniffled again, not able to stop the tears from running down his cheek.

“Ho-…how long?”

The man shrugged.

“I don’t know. The cell count doesn’t look too good though. Perhaps 6 months, perhaps a year, perhaps longer.”

“Yo-yo-you should have told me.” Jude struggling to get the words out while trying real hard not to break down.

“We had an agreement. You contact me when you need my… guidance. It would be selfish of me to contact you over this.”

“But I need you?” Jude sounded desperate, because he was.

“You’re becoming an adult Jude. You don’t _need_ me anymore.”

Jude looked down, trying his best to wipe the tears from his face.

After a minute, the man asked.

“So Jude, why am I here?”

Jude didn’t speak, still processing his thoughts.

“Are you in trouble?”

Jude took a deep breath.

“My problems seem ridiculous now…”

“Jude… This is me. I know… about you Jude. I know what you’ve been through. Don’t belittle your problems, not to me.”

Jude took another moment, his mind racing before he finally managed to settle it down. He looked over at the skinny and pale form sitting beside him.

“You know my… our plan, to wait until I was 18 and then my life would start?”

The man nodded.

“Yes, I know. I never liked it but… it was the best plan we could think of.”

“Well… I’ve kind of… met someone.”

For the first time the man’s neutral expression changed, he cracked a slight smile at Jude.

“Ok… who’s the lucky girl?”

The man got a bit worried seeing Jude’s expression. Jude hesitated a moment before gathering his strength.

“I’ve met a… boy.”

“Oh.” He was clearly taken aback.

"Umm... okay..."

It took a moment before he regained his posture.

“I’m sorry Jude, I… I mean of all people I shouldn’t assume things, right?” He began chuckling before his coughs took over.

When Jude’s worried expression didn’t go away, the man continued.

“So does this mean that you’re… gay?”

Jude suddenly felt cold. Really cold. He nodded his head while looking him into the eyes.

“Ok… well tell me about him. This old bitter queen can surely need to hear about young love one last time.” When he noticed Jude flinching over the last part he added. “Sorry.”

When Jude clammed up, the man didn’t push. He did know Jude that much.

“Or don’t. Your choice.”

Jude broke eye-contact and stayed silent.

“Ok and let me guess, that charming foster father of yours aren’t exactly the person to come out to?”

Jude shook his head. “No… he can never know… about Connor.”

“Ok, I get it. Is it possible to... keep it a secret?”

Jude shrugged. “Yeah… maybe but… That isn’t even the real problem. The problem is…” Jude made a hand gesture pointing towards his own torso. “this…”.

The man flinched.

“Oh… he hasn’t… seen?”

Jude snorted at that.

“Of course he hasn’t seen.” Jude spat out the words, anger coming out of nowhere.

The man took a few minutes. Thinking it over. He knew why Jude had contacted him again.

“Real talk?”

Jude nodded, feeling himself starting to tremble. He needed to hear it… he needed to hear this.

“Life hasn’t been fair to you Jude. It started when you were very young and it’s still not treating you fairly. And I know I’ve told you so many times that you’ll come out strong-“

“I don't want to get stronger!” Jude’s shouting caught him off guard, it wasn’t the first time it’s happened but he still wasn’t prepared.

“I…. I just want my life to begin...” Jude said, now barely audible.

The man gave Jude a moment as he knew that Jude needed him to be strong, to be assertive. His voice of reason.

“I know Jude. And I also know that you contacted me for a reason. The reason being that you don’t see a way out for yourself. And that… tells me something about how you’re feeling about this boy. About this, Connor.”

Jude swallowed hard.

“Real talk. There are only two options here. Option one. You follow the original plan. You let him go. You walk away. You turn 18. You survive.”

Jude had his eyes closed, tears were dropping down on the sand beneath him. He shook his head and whispered.

“I can’t do that…”

“Option two. You tell him. You… show him. If he loves you-”

The man ignored Jude’s reaction to him using _that_ word.

“… I think he’ll stay.” The man wished he wouldn’t have to use the word _think_ but Jude wanted the truth and 16-year-old boys are a fickle matter, this Connor kid could be appalled as for as he knew.

Jude took in the words. His first though was that he couldn’t do that either.

“It hasn’t gotten any… better, you know? I still look… almost the same. I’m still… disgusting.”

Before the man could reply, Jude asked of him.

“What do you think I should do?”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“Let’s hear it one more time for Stevens!”

The soccer team had gathered at the local restaurant just beside the stadium. They were celebrating winning their first game of the season. The spirits were high since Spring Valley, the defeated team, was considered one of the best ones in the league. Coach Michaels was feeling ecstatic as he hadn’t won the trophy for Anchor Beach since 1994.

Connor still felt a bit uncomfortable since he was fairly new in the team. He was used to this in Arizona, well they were so used to Connor being Connor on the soccer field that they kind of took it for granted that he would dominate.

Connor raised his glass and looked at his teammates.

“To us, great game everyone!”

Anchor Beach FC had booked half of the restaurant on beforehand, Michaels had been feeling cocky. Connor sat between Chris and Mike who he’d gotten closer to. Mike that was, he and Chris still had some… issues between them. The issues mostly, ok entirely, being associated with Jude.

Being the team captain Connor knew he had some difficult conversations to have with some players on the team. He wasn’t that bothered over Chris, that would probably work out one way or another. He and Jude had gotten closer and he felt quite sure that Jude at least had feelings for him and not for Chris.

The real problem was the two orange skinned idiots still on the team. John and Scott were a constant headache and he really wouldn’t mind not talking to them ever again. However, being the team captain meant that it wasn’t an option.

The other problem was Jude… if they attacked him again, Connor would lose it. He still considers it a miracle that he didn’t beat the crap out of them on Halloween for scaring Jude senseless. He knew that if he had come a bit later they surely hadn’t stopped at scaring him.

The players mingled and were in a good mood. Connor ceased the opportunity and approached the duo. _There’s no time like the present…_

“Hey guys. We need to talk.”

John and Scott looked nearly baffled, clearly not expecting Connor to talk to them. That probably was because Connor had ignored them ever since Halloween.

They acted in unison, nodding at Connor who lead them to the back of the restaurant where they could be having a private conversation.

“So… You don’t like me, and I certainly don’t like you, but… if we’re going to play on the same team we need to make this work.”

The slightly taller and skinny Scott looked over at John as John was the informal leader of the pack. They were still not sure of this, Connor could tell.

After a moment, John finally spoke with a cautious tone.

“Yeah… you are right.”

Connor looked at the two straight in the eyes while nodding.

“Good.”

Connor contemplated what to say and how to put it, when he drew a blank he figured getting to the point was probably the best way to go.

“You know the only real problem I have with you is when you don’t leave Jude alone.”

John and Scott just stared at Connor with blank expressions.

“He hasn’t done anything to either of you. Just leave him alone. If you do that… we’re good.” Connor would never be _good_ with either of these assholes but he could at least pretend. For Jude, he’d do anything.

John and Scott shared looks with each other, seemingly thinking the situation over. After a while, John looked back at Connor.

“Honestly I don’t know why you’re taking his side. We could have been friends… you know. The three of us would be unstoppable man. The ladies would lov-“ John stopped talking as Connor’s gaze wasn’t giving John any room for misunderstandings.

“But yeah… yeah we can do that. We’ll… stay away.”

“Alright, good. A shake is a promise.” Connor said and held his hand out to John.

Connor saw the hint of a smile creeping up on Johns lips. It took a moment before John met Connor’s hand in a handshake.

“A shake is a promise.”

“A shake is a promise.” Scott echoed when it was his turn to shake Connor’s hand.

John and Scott stood still for a few minutes without talking as they were thinking over the conversation they just had with Connor.

If they had known the consequences of breaking a promise to Connor Stevens, they probably wouldn’t have needed to think it over. If, they had known.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“What do you think I should do?”

The question hanging mid-air for quite some time. Jude still felt cold, so cold.

“Real talk?”

Jude nodded, dreading the answer even though he kind of knew it on beforehand. It was the voice of reason that was finally about to get its say. The voice belonging to the man he thought he owed everything to. The voice telling him what to do.

“I think you have to walk away.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 52: Connor's tell" is up Tuesday the 12th
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr, add/msg me to talk about Waterloo, Lord Gavin or something else


	52. Connor's tell

“So Connor, you seem to be liking it here in San Diego.” Mike and Connor were walking from the restaurant after the team was done celebrating. Adam was going to pick up Connor in about 15 minutes and Mike had agreed to kill some time with Connor.

“Yeah I really do. I love it here. The weather is awesome, you got the beaches, Anchor Beach is a great school and I’m even passing my classes…”

“Thanks to Jude I bet.” Mike chuckled while they kept strolling on the pavement.

Connor laughed slightly, hearing his name brought warmth to him.

“Yeah… thanks to Jude.”

“Hey I was thinking, if you don’t have any plans. I’m having some friends over tomorrow after practice, you know just playing some video games and chillin'. You’re more than welcome to tag along.”

Connor did enjoy Mike’s company. He had neglected trying to make some real friends since moving here. Somehow, something else had been occupying his mind since that first day of school.

“Thx, but… I actually have plans.” _Hopefully…_

“Alright that’s cool. But hey you’re not bailing on my party next week. You promised.”

“I did not promise. I said ‘maybe’.” Connor clarified, Mike dismissed him with a laughter.

“Yeah-yeah whatever. Trust me you don’t want to miss it. All the hot chicks are going to be there.”

Connor rolled his eyes at Mike as he had a way of slightly exaggerating in every other sentence he spoke.

“Mike I really don’t care…“

Connor interrupted himself seeing that Mike’s focus had shifted from him to something else. Connor followed Mike’s line of sight that lead towards the ocean.

“Hey, isn’t that Jude?” Mike said sounding confused.

Connor had stopped walking and so had Mike. Even though he had his back against them it was clearly Jude sitting on a bench down by the beach.

“Umm…” Connor furrowed his brow, he didn’t expect seeing him at all and certainly not sitting on a bench with… who was that?

“Who’s he talking to?” Mike asked, as if Connor would know.

There was something about the appearance of the man that gave Connor a bad feeling running through his entire body. Something about him was… off. It didn’t seem natural, Jude talking to that older guy. _What could they possibly have to talk about?_

“I… I have no idea.”

Connor looked over at Mike who had the strangest look on his face.

“What is it Mike?”

Mike didn’t answer at once, he seemed deep in thought. Connor nudged his side.

“Mike?”

“It’s…. I don’t know but… I can swear I’ve seen that man before.” Mike talked slowly, as he was trying to remember while speaking.

“Where?” Connor tried not shining on just how much he wanted to know, as he had a feeling that man somehow was… important.

“I… Fuck I can’t remember but… But it’s not…”

“Good?” Connor filled in, channeling Mike’s hesitant tone.

Mike shook his head.

“No… not good.”

They stood there for a minute, observing them from a distance. Connor kind of felt bad about it, wanting to give Jude his privacy, knowing that this for some reason was another thing he wasn’t sharing with Connor.

“Jude looks… upset.” Mike concluded. Connor agreed, not able to take his eyes off him. He couldn’t see everything as he only saw Jude slightly from the side and from behind.

Mike looked over at Connor. It wasn’t only Jude that had noticed that Connor wasn’t very good at hiding his emotions.

Problem was that Mike was kind of your typical 16-year-old boy. Talking about things that mattered, with another boy, was not his strong suit. However, seeing Connor reacting the way he did, Mike felt like he had to at least try.

“You know Connor... I’ve never… liked, the way Jude’s been treated. I’ve never... you know, done anything to him.”

“Or for him.” Connor said coldly. He didn’t intend it to slip out like that, not that he didn’t mean it but Mike was not one of the bad guys.

“Or for him…” Mike repeated looking down at the ground, feeling ashamed as Connor’s words were the truth.

Connor looked back at Mike.

“Hey, sorry. I didn’t mean it like that…”

Mike shook his head, still looking down.

“No, no… You’re right. I’ve been a coward.”

Connor sighed and looked back over at Jude and the man. Jude’s head was hanging down as the man was talking to him. He still didn’t like anything about what he saw.

“Come on man… let’s go.”

Mike and Connor walked in silence for a few minutes.

“So you and Jude, you’ve become… friends?”

Connor bit his lip. Not that the question was hard but his mind was still focusing on Jude and that man, sitting on that bench.

“Yeah, we have.”

Mike nodded to himself.

“How’s he like? You know, as a person?”

Connor looked over at Mike with a confused expression.

“I mean, it’s just… I’m just curious. He’s always been a fucking mystery to me. He barely speaks and when he does it’s obvious that he only says what’s expected of him.”

Connor almost smiled while thinking that Jude most certainly was a mystery, but in the best fucking way in the world. 

"But these last couple of months he's been so... different, in a good way. I think I even saw him smile once in school but I'm sure I must have imagined it." Mike said jokingly. 

“He’s cool. He’s very… kind. Too kind. He doesn’t talk bad about anybody, like ever. Even assholes like John and Scott, he never say anything mean about them.”

“He should… they’ve been fucking horrible to him.” Mike filled in.

“Yeah, but that’s Jude. And you already know he’s a genius.”

Mike did know, everyone knew.

“He’s ridiculous smart, I mean I can’t even tell you. He knows everything Mike, everything. Math, physics, chemistry, English grammar… for some reason he even knows all the capitals of the world.”

“Everything but sports that is.” Mike said with a chuckle which Connor copied.

“Yeah, everything but sports. But he can actually swim you know. Like, he can really swim, almost as fast as me and remember he swims in clothes.”

Mike hid his smile by biting his lip. Connor was talking without thinking. Well, Jude was in a way involved so he was pretty much in character.

“That’s cool Connor. I mean you’re obviously stronger so I bet he’s got really good technique.”

“Yeah… he does.” Connor’s mind was focusing on thinking of Jude and Jude only.

“I bet he’s been working out in secret. You would never know from those innocent blue eyes…”

“They’re brown.” Connor said without missing a beat.

“Oh are they…?” Mike was smirking for himself, barely able to refrain from snickering. Connor would have noticed if he wasn’t in another place.

The two of them kept walking a few more minutes until they got to the place where Adam was picking Connor up.

Before walking towards the bus stop, Mike turned around, he had one more thing to say.

“Hey, Connor?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m happy that you moved here man. You’re good people.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude was in his room. Like he already had suspected he was emotional drained from his conversation earlier today.

It had been… hard. Seeing him. Harder than he thought it would be. In all the chaos going on in his mind he understood one thing. He understood why he had avoided the conversation. Somehow he already knew what the voice of reason would tell him.

Jude was a logical, pragmatic and mostly reasonable person. He did and said what was needed in order to survive, both physically and mentally.

Problem was, knowing that the reasonable thing to do was also the one thing he didn’t know how to do. How could be walk away from Connor? A shiver went through his body just by the thought of it. Connor was the only one that’s made him feel safe, ever. He… remembers having memories feeling safe in his mother’s embrace, but now it’s become just that, memory of a memory without remembering how it actually felt.

Jude sighed. This wasn’t fair to Connor. He was lying to him. What Connor thinks he’s interested in isn’t what he’s getting. What’s he supposed to do, never show Connor how he looks like? _Yeah I bet Connor would stay forever under those circumstances…_

How can he show Connor? He knows… he can see Connor’s face as he can’t hide his emotions. Jude pictures Connor’s face going from that warm feeling of… home ( _Stop being so Pathetic Jude…)_ to being disgusted.

His sun would most certainly stop shining and Jude wasn’t sure he’d survive that. Connor was perfect, so Connor could possibly even continue to be his friend… that’s how perfect Connor is. But… Connor would not be Jude’s sun anymore. And no, Jude would probably not survive that.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor had been quiet all evening. He’d been up in his room for a full hour when he came back to his house. He felt like he was going crazy up there, thinking about Jude sitting on that bench with that creepy man. He looked at his phone at least every three minutes.

Finally, he had decided to go downstairs and into the living room where his parents were watching TV. He needed to occupy his mind with something, anything.

“Hey son, is Jude coming over tomorrow?” Adam said as Connor crashed into the couch.

Connor sighed.

“I don’t know…”

“Sweetie, I think you can manage one day without seeing him.” Mia tried, seeing Connor looking bummed.

“Yeah… I guess.” Connor said, he felt like he was lying.

“So, are you going to tell us anything about your date?” Adam was looking hopeful.

Connor looked over at his parents. Mia spoke before putting popcorn in her mouth.

“Yes, the way you’re not sharing… Do I need to wash that blanket you brought extra carefully?”

Adam chuckled. Connor did not. He looked at them with a disapproving look.

“It’s not like that… I just... like him.” Connor’s parents felt like the teenagers as their son appeared more mature then they did.

“We know son… Sorry. We know you do. We’re just kidding.”

“Well don’t.”

Adam composed himself, normally Connor could take the teasing, he really should be used to it by now.

“What’s the matter son, has something happened?”

 _Yes._ “No.” Connor was glaring at the TV.

Adam rolled his eyes before returning to the TV, apparently Connor didn’t want any help.

“Alrighty then…”

Connor sighed again, he wasn’t being fair.

“I’m sorry. It’s not your fault. I just…” Connor’s voice went from steady to weak as he continued, looking down at his lap.

“I just want to see him…”

“Sweetie… you saw him today.” Mia was looking fondly at her son as he was growing up right before her eyes.

“Son, he likes you. If he can come over tomorrow, he will.” Adam filled in.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude sat in his bed, cross legged position, with his phone in his hand.

He took a deep breath, and started typing a text to send to Connor.

The conversation from the beach playing before his eyes. The voice of reason telling him to walk away. Flashes of Phil, laughing for some reason. Callie looking at him coldly, without expression. John and Scott towering over him. His mother, as she looked like in the picture in his locket, looking at him… concerned.

But how do you do it? How do you walk away from your only source of safety… of… happiness? How do you walk away from the only thing that’s made him feel alive?

Jude closes his eyes. An image of Connor flashes before him. Connor is smiling, his smile is so blinding that after a moment the image of Connor’s face transforms into an image of the sun.

How do you do walk away from that?

You don’t.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor’s phone buzzing makes him tense up. His body goes absolutely rigid and he closes his eyes and focuses on breathing somewhat normally. He picks up his phone from his pocket. Adam and Mia carefully examines his facial expression, knowing full well the importance this have for their son.

Connor reads the message with a blank expression. He closes his eyes for a second. When he opens them again he looks over at his parents, his eyes beaming and his smile showing most of his teeth.

“He’s coming over?”

“He’s coming over.”

Adam laughs and puts his arm around Mia.

“We’re glad for you sweetie. He can come after soccer practice and stay for dinner if he wants to.”

Connor types in a reply to Jude before putting his phone away. He looks over at his parents who have gone back to watching the movie. He notices the way that his father is holding his mother, stroking her arm and once in a while he’s feeding her popcorns.

He smiles to himself before his expression changes into a more serious one. After a while, Connor acknowledges the feeling the text from Jude brought to him. No idea to lie any more. He had known for a long time. The walls put up by him are made of paper anyways.

Connor forced down a gulp, his fingertips fiddling. After a moment he inhales deeply through his nose. Connor spoke softly without looking at his parents.

“Mom… Dad…”

Adam pauses the movie and they turn their attention to him, the tone of his voice telling them they needed to hear this.

Connor needed another moment, he’d never said it out loud before. He looked them in their eyes.

“I love him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 53: Jude's tell" is up Friday the 15th. Due to "unforeseen circumstances" the next updates may take a while.
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr, add/msg me to talk about Waterloo, Lord Gavin or something else


	53. Jude's tell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As no one else seems to update their Jonnor fics today I guess I have to take one for the team and update one day earlier than scheduled.

 

Connor was sitting in their car going home after soccer practice. Even though the team had won soundly over Spring Valley just the day before, coach Michael’s had made a point of not letting that fact make them lack off.

Connor should probably be exhausted as he’d given it his all. He had felt inspired playing soccer again after the game, not something he’d felt for a long time truth be told.

So, he should be exhausted, but he wasn’t. Jude was coming over and his body was pure energy.

“You were really good today sweetie. Focused and strong.”

“Umm… what?”

“Ironically, I was complimenting you on being focused…”

“Oh… thanks. Yeah, it felt good out there today.”

“How long is Jude staying, will he stay for dinner?”

“No he couldn’t… he had to be home again at 5.”

“So soon? I mean… it’s a Saturday.”

Connor didn’t feel like having this discussion with his mother, Jude was coming over and they would get to spend several hours together. Today was a good day.

At least Connor thought so.

As Mia was pulling up on their drive-way Connor immediately noticed that one thing was out of place.

His heart started to race.

“Umm… mom?!”

“Yes sweetie?” She said while parking.

“Why is Jude’s bike here?”

Mia opened her door and got out of the car.

“What do you mean, how would he else get here?”

Connor jumped out of the car.

“Yeah but why is it here NOW? He’s coming over when I get home.”

“What? No… no he got here when I went to pick you up sweetie.”

“What!?”

Connor was running towards the front door.

_No no no no no no please no no no no no_

“Sweetie…?” Mia was confused.

Connor almost tore the door open as he entered their house.

“Jude!?”

There were noises coming from the living room. Connor was fearing the worst. He walked, he jogged, no he ran towards the living room.

_Oh god no._

It was even worse than Connor had imagined.

Jude and Adam were sitting on the couch. The living room table was filled with photo albums and the TV was showing home videos from back home in Arizona.

“Hey Connor!” Jude was already smiling from before but seeing Connor almost made the smile so wide that his cheeks hurt.

“Hey son!”

“What. Are. You. Doing?!” Connor was addressing his father, his face was not exactly matching the smiles of Jude and Adam.

“What? I’m just showing him your baby pictures.”

Connor was speechless. He stood there paralyzed with his mouth open.

“Hey Jude this is the part I was talking about, look!”

Adam was pointing at the TV. Connor was still in shock. He looked over at the TV. It couldn’t be… he wouldn’t show Jude that…

Of course he did.

That Jude was practically screaming from laughing so hard wasn’t even helping.

The video was of Connor, about 3 years old. Adam was filming Connor who was standing butt naked with his back turned against the camera.

_“What are you doing there Connor?”_

_“I’m watering the flowers!!”_ Connor said with the most adorable voice that Jude had ever heard.

Adam got closer so that the video captured Connor peeing all over the flower arrangements.

_“Good job there buddy!”_

Baby-Connor turned around, still peeing but now he almost hit Adam who chuckled and took a few steps backwards. Baby-Connor started giggling and ran after Adam, still peeing and now he was clearly aiming for Adam who began laughing behind the camera.

_“Honey! Help me!”_

Mia came in from the side and got a hold of Connor as she lifted him up. All three of them were laughing.

By that time, Connor had made it to the VCR which he turned off as quickly as he could.

“Have you lost your mind?!” Connor was not joking around as he gazed upon his father.

“What? Oh come on son don’t be like that, you were such a cute baby.”

“You really were Connor!” Jude tried to make him feel better by smiling warmly at him, it actually helped and calmed Connor down a bit. Until Jude filled in.

“You really didn’t like clothes back then. I think you’re naked in most of the pictures I’ve seen.”

Adam chuckled as Connor had to sit down on the floor in front of the TV. He hid his face in his hands and breathed while counting to ten. _This isn’t happening…_

Adam joined Mia in the kitchen as she shouted that she needed his help with something. Jude got up from the couch and sat down besides Connor on the floor. He was still kind of laughing but he had to pull himself together for Connor’s sake.

“Hey…”

Connor put down his hands and let them rest in his lap. He looked defeated but Jude could see a hint of a smile appearing as he looked at him.

“Hey…”

“Missed you…” Jude said in some silly child-voice, somehow Jude figured he sounded less pathetic that way.

Connor laughed softly.

“Missed you too… When did you get here, I thought you were coming over when I got home?”

“Your dad…”

Connor sighed. _Of course._

Jude smiled at Connor.

“Your dad called and he…” Jude started to blush and giggle.

“What did he say?”

“No nothing… he’s just… something else.”

“Jude… what did he say?”

“Umm… god…” Jude was shaking his head while clearly thinking of something amusing.

Connor was waiting, not sure if he wanted to hear this.

“Okay… I’ll try to quote him. He said something like this. _‘So Jude if you come over before Connor gets home I got some naked pictures of him to show you.’_ ”

Connor did not look amused. He glared towards the kitchen where his father was. Of course there was a wall separating the rooms but Connor’s gaze did look like it could pierce through walls.

“I’m sorry Jude… he can’t help it…”

“No it’s okay. I must admit I didn’t know what to say, but then he told me he was talking about baby pictures.”

“But still, he shouldn’t-“

“I mean sure I got a bit disappointed but the baby pictures were cute enough to make up for it.” Jude was smirking at him and Connor… Connor couldn’t be angry.

“Shut up…”

“Don’t be mad at him. It was nice, talking to him. He’s… nice to me.”

“He better…” Connor said half-jokingly.

After a minute of sitting in silence, just looking at each other from time to time, Connor started to move his hand towards Jude’s. He turned his palm up and spread his fingers, letting his eyes rest on Jude’s face. Connor noticed Jude’s eyes flickering towards the entrance to the living room, like he was making sure they were alone. After a moment, Jude looked at his hand as it took its place in Connor’s big hand, their fingers intertwined instantly.

The moment their hands joined Connor let out a huff of air through his nose. Jude closed his eyes for a second as Connor’s warmth spread from his hand throughout his whole body.

They looked at each other and sure enough their eyes told them everything they needed to know. Connor couldn’t hide his emotions if his life depended on it and Jude’s eyes glistered in a way that almost took all the air from Connor’s lungs.

“You… you wanna go up to my room?” Connor finally said.

Jude nodded while giving him a close-lipped smile. Connor got up from their sitting position, still holding onto Jude’s hand he helped him get up as well. They walked towards the stairs but just before exiting the living room Connor could feel Jude taking shorter steps, trailing behind.

Connor stopped and looked at Jude who were looking down at the ground.

“What is it?”

No answer from Jude, he was nibbling at his lower lip.

From the kitchen, situated near the stairs, Connor’s parents made some noise. Connor could feel Jude slowly disentangling their hands while he still was looking down.

“Sorry…” Jude almost whimpered in a low voice.

“It’s… it’s ok Jude.” Connor felt bad, he hadn’t even thought about the possibility of Jude being uncomfortable holding hands in front of his parents. All the time he spent thinking about what to do and not to do in front of Jude seemed not to matter when he was with him.

“Come on, let’s go upstairs.” Connor walked a head and Jude trailed him, feeling ashamed that he wasn't even able to give Connor that.

When Adam saw the boys going up the stairs from where he was sitting by the kitchen table he yelled.

“Let us know if you need anything boys!”

“We won’t.” Connor said sternly, not letting his father off the hook that easily. They were definitely going to have a discussion about Adam showing Jude his baby pictures and home videos.

Jude got a warm feeling entering Connor’s room. The last time they had been here together Connor had kissed him. Connor sat down in his bed after closing the door behind him.

Jude was still not looking at Connor. He didn’t want to see the disappointment on his face over that he had been such a coward.

“Hey… come sit down.” Connor talked in a soft voice, obviously picking up on Jude’s body language.

Jude walked over, avoiding eye-contact.

Before Connor got the chance to say anything Jude spoke, immediately after sitting down on the bed. He left some distance between them.

“I’m sorry…”

“For what?”

Jude didn’t say anything. He was looking down at his hands that were connected lying in his lap.

“Don’t be sorry Jude, it’s ok.”

Jude didn’t say anything for a while, when he found the silence awkward he swallowed hard.

“So, how was soccer practice?”

Connor looked at Jude who continued to avoid looking up from his lap. Connor sighed as Jude seemed desperate to talk about something else.

“It was ok… coach made us run 20 extra laps so we don’t ‘ _slack off’_ just because we won our game.”

“Ok, that’s rough…” Jude felt a bit relieved that Connor seemed to have let it go.

“Oh I forgot to ask, did you have a good time celebrating?”

Connor hesitated. There were lots of stuff from after the game that he didn’t consider good. Seeing Jude with that man and having to talk to John & Scott being the biggest issues.

“Yeah it was fun. Good for the team spirit to spend some time outside the field you know.”

Jude nodded even though never ever been on any sports team he could see that what Connor was saying made sense.

“Hey…” Connor said after a few moments of silence. He hadn’t stopped looking at the smaller frame sitting in the same bed but out of reach for him.

Jude gulped. Connor’s tone meant that he wanted him to look at him, he was sure.

“Jude… please.”

Jude exhaled and closed his eyes. Of course he had no choice but to obey. He slowly looked up until his eyes found Connor’s. Connor looked concerned, not sad but something similar to it. Jude was kind of glad that at least it wasn’t the look of disappointment.

“You don’t have to be sorry you know… I get it, I really do Jude…”

Jude’s stomach clenched. _No Connor, you really don’t…_

When Jude didn’t speak, Connor continued.

“I-I didn’t even think about my parent’s being in the kitchen… I just didn’t want to… you know… let go of your hand.”

“Me neither…” Jude went back to looking down at his hands that were caressing each other, Connor recognizing Jude’s nervousness manifesting itself.

Jude remembered something, this Tuesday was a… special day. He hadn’t been sure about it before, but now something inside him told him that he had to ask… he had to at least ask.

“Hey Connor… I was wondering something.”

“Yeah?”

“It’s… I’m going somewhere on Tuesday and…” Jude bit his lip. “And I was thinking that maybe you want to come with.”

Connor let Jude finish, even though he was momentarily silent it didn’t sound like he was done talking.

“You don’t have to come but it’s… it’s something that means a lot to me. And for the first time I don’t think I want to do it on my own…”

“Then I want to come. That’s what friends are for, right?”

Jude gave Connor a slight smile while he nodded.

“Yeah… Thanks.”

“Should I bring anything or are you getting back at me for not telling you about our date?” Connor snickered, trying to lift Jude’s spirit that seemed to weigh a ton.

“No you don’t have to bring anything.”

“You want to tell me where we’re going?”

“I rather show you, but it’s… it’s not a date you know. It’s something… different.”

“Ok… I’m just happy you want me to come along.”

“Yeah… I do.”

Jude scooted closer on the bed so that they sat side-by-side with their backs against the headboard. Connor could feel his temperature rising from the proximity. Jude reached for Connor’s hand, almost without hesitating he grabbed for it when Connor turned his palm up for him.

_I just hope you don’t think it’s weird…_

Jude suddenly felt exhausted, his body finally paying the price from the past 24 hours. His meeting at the beach had almost undone him mentally. Now, sitting beside Connor holding on this warm hand, it was like he finally could relax. He was were he was supposed to be.

“Do you want to do anything?” Connor asked.

Jude leaned his head and rested it on Connor’s shoulder and against his neck.

“I just want to sit here with you…”

Connor smiled so wide that Jude could feel it. 

“That sounds good to me…”

Jude closed his eyes and concentrated on listening to Connor’s breaths. Connor was still letting his thumb softly massage Jude’s hand with circular strokes. Jude felt warm… Jude felt safe. Before long, Connor could feel Jude’s body starting to twitch.

Connor couldn’t help letting out a soft laugh when he realized that Jude had fallen asleep against his shoulder. Connor leaned his head and let his nose be buried in Jude’s chocolate brown hair. He inhaled and planted a soft kiss on Jude’s head while being careful not to wake him up.

Connor figured that maybe he didn’t know much in life, but he did know why he probably never had been happier than he was right now.

See it wasn’t lost to Connor, what it meant that Jude had fallen asleep against his shoulder. He had waited for this moment, the moment when Jude felt safe enough with him. In Connor’s head, this was some part of Jude telling him he finally trusted him enough to relax around him.

Connor longed for the day when Jude felt like he could open up to him completely. He had thought many times about telling Jude that he knew, that he knew and it didn’t matter to him. Jude could tell him anything and he wouldn’t care, but Connor also figured that Jude would tell him when he felt the time was right. He understood, at least to some degree, how hard it must be for Jude to… trust someone. Connor just hoped that Jude would trust him sooner rather than later.

Connor continued thinking about how unbelievable all of this was. Here he was, sitting with his… friend, with Jude. The boy now leaning his head against his neck had a few months freaked out when he had tapped his shoulder without thinking. Now, here they were… something more than friends. Connor took steady breaths, which was kind of hard having the boy he… liked so much beside him. He wanted to touch him so badly, to hold him. _Maybe if I just touch his cheek? No I… can’t._ Sitting here with him was more than enough. Sitting here with perfect Jude…

Jude’s body was once again twitching and he also started to whimper some. Connor stayed still. When Jude didn’t stop his small sudden movements Connor realized that Jude probably was having some kind of bad dream. The whimpers became louder and Connor started to make out some words coming out of Jude, they were hard to hear but Connor picked up on some of the words.

“Pl-please.”

Jude sounded scared, and sad… mostly sad.

“Please stop, st-stop.”

Connor couldn’t stand listening to Jude sounding like that, he also figured Jude wouldn’t want him to either. He started to move his shoulder in an attempt to take him up.

“Jude… Jude wake up.”

Suddenly, Jude sat straight up, his eyes wide and flickering all over the room as he was trying to orientate himself.

“Jude… you fell asleep. You were having a bad dream so I woke you up.” Connor was talking slowly in an attempt to calm Jude down as he still looked like a deer caught in headlights.

“Di-did I say anything?” Connor was taken aback by Jude’s question. It took a moment for him to reply.

“Umm… what?”

“Did I say anything?!” Jude wasn’t shouting but he was raising his voice, something Connor wasn’t that used to.

“No… no you didn’t. It’s okay.”

Jude took some deep breaths. When Jude seemed to have calmed down enough Connor said, as he didn’t want to keep anything from him.

“The only words you said were _‘Please’_ and _‘Please stop’_ , nothing else.”

Jude nodded slowly, avoiding eye-contact as he was looking down in his lap, still trying to take in the whole situation. He had fallen asleep while being with Connor. Jude never slept in someone else’s presence, there was a reason for it. It was dangerous Jude knew, but still his body had allowed himself to fall asleep while leaning against Connor. Jude also knew what this meant, his body had started to trust that Connor was nothing but safe… if only his mind would catch up soon enough.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to fall asleep. It just, happened…”

“Don’t be sorry, I didn’t mind. I just didn’t want you to be sad… and you sounded sad in the dream.”

Jude closed his eyes a moment, sometimes… in fact almost all of the time, Connor was too much for Jude to process. He didn’t want to lie to Connor… in fact he hated it. But he also couldn’t tell Connor, the consequences where too hard to overlook and Jude… Jude couldn’t risk it. He looked up into Connor’s warm and caring eyes, the sight of them made Jude’s heart skip a beat. Jude spoke his mind in a whisper.

“Can you… can you just stop that?

“Stop what?”

“You… being so perfect? I… I don’t deserve it.” Jude lowered his eyes, not able to look into Connor’s.

“Can _you_ please stop doing that?” Connor’s voice steady, sounding a bit irritated.

“Stop what?” It was Jude’s time to ask.

“That... you talking bad about yourself. I hate when you and other’s do it, I can’t stand it.”

“Do other’s talk… bad out me?” Jude said and looked up at Connor who bit his lip while looking Jude in the eyes.

“Not in front of me… not anymore.”

Jude gave Connor a soft smile hearing that. There was something in the way he said it that made Jude forget about anything else.

Connor scooted closer to Jude who had distanced himself a bit when he awoke from his dream. Time was slowing down for Jude when Connor was sitting so close to him. Their eyes looked deep into each other’s and Connor did that thing he'd done before… that thing that scared Jude. It scared him, but still he couldn't get enough of it.

Connor looked at Jude as he meant… something, like he was valuable, worth something… no not something, everything. Jude felt like he was falling and he couldn’t look away as Connor seemed to examine every inch of his face. Connor raised his hand and moved it slowly to Jude's face, this time he didn't stop the movement but he carefully read Jude's reaction. When Connor's fingers and palm made contact with his cheek, Jude didn't even flinch. After gently caressing Jude's cheek Connor said softly, only for Jude to hear.

“You’re so beautiful…”

Jude’s expression shifted, Connor noticed. Jude looked at him like he couldn't believe what he was hearing. Of course this was because Connor was an open book, he wasn't playing any games and he wasn’t holding back. Jude had read him and… and Jude himself didn’t want to hold back anymore.

“You… you mean it.” Jude whispered back. The look on Jude's face when he seemed to realize this was a look that Connor would never forget.

Connor snickered, barely audible, before responding.

“Yeah… I do.”

Both boys were taking shallow breaths and were looking at each other, Jude’s eyes sparkling and Connor was letting Jude see all that he was feeling through his hazel eyes.

Up there in Connor’s room only one thing was heard. Breaking the silence was the sound of two hearts, beating together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 54: Boy interrupted" is up Saturday the 16th.
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr, add/msg me to talk about Waterloo, Lord Gavin or something else


	54. Boy interrupted

“Yeah by the way, you think you can help me with that physics assignment during lunch tomorrow?”

“Of course, no problem. Actually I think it was a lot harder than the professor’s usual assignments.” Jude responded to Hannah.

The two of them were out power walking and had almost reached the large oak tree that marked their turnaround point. Ok they weren’t really power walking, they were walking… or rather strolling casually while talking about this and that. However, they had training gear on so it still counted as exercise as far as they were concerned.

Hannah looked over at Jude in disbelief.

“Really Jude, how long did it take for you to do it? Honest answer.”

Jude bit his lip and started grinning.

“That’s what I thought.” She kept looking straight ahead.

After a few moments, Hannah continued.

“So Romeo, how are things going with Connor?”

“It’s going… good I guess. I was over there yesterday.”

“Ok spill, any steamy make out session to report in to your best friend?”

Jude felt all fuzzy inside thinking about their moment together, he was smiling in no time.

“No… no making out. It was… even better than that.”

Hannah took a few steps and stepped in front of Jude, he looked up at her with a confused expression. Hannah had her mouth and eyes wide opened and she looked like she was about to freak out.

“What…? Oh my god, no Hannah! We didn’t do _that_.”

Hannah was laughing.

“Sometimes I don’t think you know me at all.” Jude joined in laughing slightly with Hannah as they continued their “power walk”.

“Ok I didn’t really think you had done _that_ but you sure got a way of expressing yourself sometimes.”

“So what did you do that was better than making out?”

“It’s… hard to explain. But we had this, moment you know? We got… closer.”

Hannah smiled internally seeing Jude reminisce about something that clearly had meant a lot to him. He deserved it all as far she’s concerned.

“So, are you guys like… a thing now?”

“What? No, we’re not.” Jude frowned and looked at Hannah like she was being ridiculous.

Hannah was about to ask him ‘why not?’ but she refrained, instead she just nodded at him and said “Alright, just checking.”

They walked in silence for a while. Hannah kept looking over at Jude, when he looked back she smiled at him seeing his eyes. They were different, they had… come alive in a way that Hannah had never seen before.

“I know I’ve already told you but… I just want to tell you how happy I am for you. You deserve it you know.”

_No I don’t…_

“Thanks…”

Hannah waited a few moments, not really sure if she should say anything. As they were getting closer to Jude’s house where they would separate she felt that she needed to.

“Hey Jude, you are careful right? Around... _him_.”

Hannah and Jude had never really talked about Phil but it was obvious to Hannah that something wasn’t right with that man. She knew that Jude was terrified of him, she had picked it up over the years even though Jude had tried real hard at not letting it show. She didn’t need to specify who _him_ was, it was always implied between them.

“Yes, I am. I promise…” Hannah had temporarily stolen the smile from Jude’s face, something she knew would happen.

“And yeah Hannah, by the way… I think that you were right, Maddie knows.”

“How do you know?”

“Well she kind of… told me, in a way. During the game.” Jude looked uncomfortable, which he was. He didn’t want anyone to know.

“She did?” Hannah sounded surprised, Madison should know better, she should know that it would upset him.

He just nodded at her forcing down a gulp.

“I don’t get it though. How… how can she know? You haven’t told her anything, right?”

“No I haven’t told her anything, I swear. If anything I’ve tried to ‘ _save’_ you from letting her know as often as I’ve could.”

“But, how does she know? I haven’t told anyone else. Chris only knows I like him, and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t say anything…”

“Umm…”

Hannah got a funny look on her face.

“What?” Jude had noticed.

“It’s just… umm… I don’t really know how to say this without it sounding so fuck-… without it sounding very cheesy.” Hannah saved herself from being corrected at the last second.

Jude looked puzzled, not having a clue what she was talking about.

Hannah sighed.

“Ok… you have… you two have this thing.”

“Thing?”

“Thing. When you look at each other… I don’t know how to explain it but I’ve never seen anyone look at another person like that before, and you both look _exactly_ the same… actually when I think about it’s kinda creepy.”

Jude had never thought about it before, how he looks like to someone else when he’s lost in their world. He figured it was how you always look when you see someone you l… like. Perhaps he was wrong.

“And ok Maddie aint no Einstein but she’s not stupid, especially when it comes to things like that. So, if she’s seen you two look at each other, she knows.”

This wasn’t good. If Madison had noticed that meant that others could have noticed. He needed to be even more careful.

Hannah picked up on Jude’s troubled expression, knowing what he was thinking about.

“Hey… if you want to I can talk to her about it. I’m almost sure that she would never ever tell anyone but I can make sure, if you want to?”

“I… I don’t know.” Jude needed time to think, too many factors to take into account.

“Ok… and Jude I don’t think anyone else has noticed so don’t worry too much about it, but just be careful, ok?”

Jude needn’t be told twice, being careful was already a top priority.

They walked the last bit to Jude’s house in silence, Jude in deep thought. Before they parted Jude had made up his mind.

“Hannah… please talk to Maddie, you know, so she doesn’t say anything. It’s important.”

“I will and I know. I promise she won’t tell anyone.”

Jude gave her a close-lipped smile as a thank you.

“So, see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, see you tomorrow.”

Hannah stayed and watched Jude walk up on his porch, open up the outer door and enter his house. It always made her stomach clench leaving him alone there, she never did like this house. She knew that Jude didn’t feel safe in it, she wasn’t sure she wanted to know why that was.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“Get the fuck out of here!”

“What are you dooooing?” The younger boy said while peeking his head inside the room.

“You little troll, fuck off!”

The door closed just in time as a pillow flew through the room and hit the door with a loud bang. Hannah was sitting by Madison’s desk and was observing another loving conversation between her favorite siblings.

Madison went back to lying on her back on her bed.

“I’m going to have to kill him one day, you know that right?”

“You know you talk and fantasize a little too often about killing him for me to feel comfortable.”

“I would be doing the world a favor. I’d be taking one for the team, the team being the rest of the world.”

Hannah giggled, she couldn’t help that she found Madison’s pretend hatred for her little brother to be amusing. She did know that Madison loved him even if she went to great lengths denying it.

“You know what that little SHITHEAD-“ Madison screamed at the door like it represented her little brother. “did yesterday?”

Hannah shook her head.

“As you know I hate cheese.”

Hannah did know that. She still found it super weird but that discussion never got anywhere so no point in having it again.

“Yeah I know.”

“Yeah, so the little fucker opened my un-opened Haagen-Dazs, sprinkled cheese all over it and then he put the lid back so it looked like it was unopened.”

Hannah couldn’t resist snickering some.

“I mean who the fuck does that!?”

“Come on Maddie, he’s your baby brother… he’s supposed to tease you and being a pain in the ass.”

“You’re so lucky that you’re an only child…”

Hannah gave Madison a courtesy smile, that her friend still didn’t know she would have given anything to have a sibling bugged her.

Hannah got up from the chair and walked over to Madison’s bed.

“So hey… we need to talk about something.”

Madison looked at her with a raised brow. Hannah’s serious expression was not something she had seen that many times during their 10 years of friendship.

“Ok… sounds serious?”

Hannah sat down in the bed, next to Madison.

“It is. For him it’s very serious.”

“For… who?”

“For Jude.”

“Oh. Oh… he told you.” Madison had kind of expected this outcome.

Hannah’s facial expression didn’t change.

“Why did you say that to him? You should know it would upset him?”

“Oh come on I was just teasing him. It wasn’t like _you_ were opening up to me.”

“It wasn’t my thing to tell you, you have to know that?”

“Yeah-yeah I guess. And I was going to tell him I was only teasing him but I forgot after the game.”

“Ok… you haven’t told anyone else have you?”

Madison looked offended.

“Wh-what? What the fuck do you think? Of course I haven’t told anyone, you think I’m stupid or something?”

Hannah shook her head.

“No… but I just had to make sure.”

After a few moments of silence, Madison asked Hannah.

“So… can we finally talk about it?”

“Talk about what?”

Madison sighed, like Hannah was the stupidest person alive.

“About Jude…? And HD…? It’s what normal people would call conversation worthy you know.”

“What about them?”

“Really Hannah? Really? We’re doing this?”

Hannah shrugged.

“Ok so maybe the like each other, so what?”

“Oh no no H, don’t give me that shit.”

“What shit?”

“You know, saying _‘so what?’_ like I’m some damn homophobe when you know god damn well that I’m not.”

“Can you… can you please tone it down like 200 % please.” Hannah was feeling tired and had a headache coming on and Madison’s voice level wasn’t exactly helping.

“Sorry… I didn’t mean to raise my voice. Love you…” Madison used her child voice saying ‘love you’, it always got her out of trouble with Hannah.

“Love you too.” Hannah smiled, it had worked yet another time.

“Jude just doesn’t want anyone to know, it’s important.”

“Yeah I get that. But they should really be more discreet you know. I mean, have you seen the way they look at each other?”

Hannah laughed slightly.

“Yes, I have.”

“God I wish some cute boy would look at me like that, I think that’s my new life goal.”

Hannah smirked.

“I guess your previous life goal of getting to eat Haagen-Dazs from Connor’s ass is proving to be, should we say… slightly difficult to achieve?”

Both girls were laughing, Madison more than Hannah but that was not something unusual. As they were coming down from their laughter, Hannah looked over at Hannah before placing her hand over hers.

“Hey you… are you ok in all this?”

Hannah shrugged.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

Madison squeezed Hannah’s hand in order to comfort her.

“I know you don’t like to talk about it but I know you still like him.”

“Yeah I do… but it’s just not meant to be, you know? I’ll be fine.”

“Still, can’t be easy hearing him talk about someone else like that?”

“No… no it’s not. But I need to be there for him, he needs someone to talk to. And Maddie… you know that he deserves it a hundred times over.”

Madison did know that. She got a lump in her throat thinking about times passed.

“God H… I can still remember it so fucking clearly. It broke my hea-… it _still_ breaks my heart thinking about how he always sat in that bathroom on some disgusting toilet eating his lunch all alone. Fuck do you remember how small he was? Even smaller than he is now...”

Hannah’s eyes got watery and her lower lip trembled slightly, she remembered it too. She’d probably never forget.

“Yeah I remember… But he had to, they threw food at him otherwise and would probably have done worse so… Until he sat with us…”

“You saved him you know? It was you that asked him to sit with us.”

“Fuck do yo-you remember how scared he was during the first week?” Hannah had tears running down her cheeks. It wasn’t the first time they had talked about it but they hadn’t for some time.

“Fuck!” Hannah exclaimed while drying her eyes, irritated at herself for getting so emotional after all this time.

“Yeah… the first day he was shaking the whole time but we all pretended that we didn’t notice.”

“God stop it… we have to talk about something else, I can’t think about _that_ right now.”

“You should be proud H. You know… he… I really don’t think he would be… around, if you hadn’t reached out to him.” Madison’s voice shaking. “I-I know I’ve never told you that but I’ve always thought about it.”

“God…” Both of them trying to get their act together, drying their tears and getting their breathing under control.

“People can be so fucking cruel.”  


Yes. People can be cruel.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Mia was driving Connor home from the gym. Like every time they were there Connor had been pushing his muscles to the limit. The relationship between him and his mother had become much better since they moved to San Diego. Now, he even enjoyed her company… in small doses that was, she was still his mother.

“Oh yeah that’s right sweetie, I forgot to tell you something.”

Connor barely acknowledged her, he was still recovering from doing interval laps for the last twenty minutes.

“I met Jude’s foster father in the cashier line at Lucy’s while I was at the mall, it’s Phil right?”

Connor almost wants to throw up just hearing his name. Just the thought of him possibly hurting Jude in some way was more than enough for him to want to kill him. Must be the testosterone talking.

“He was very nice. Perhaps we can invite him and Jude over if things… you know, work out between you two?” She said the last part with the clear intent to tease Connor.

Connor snorted. _Not very likely mother…_

From out of nowhere, Connor started feeling uneasy. The exhaustion hindering him from connecting the dots right away.

“Mom…”

“Yes sweetie?”

“What was he doing there?”

“Umm… what do you mean?” Mia wasn’t following, her son’s voice sounded a bit off.

“What was he doing there, at _that_ store?”

Connor’s body was tense without him getting the time to reflect on why that was. He was taking shallow breaths through his nose. Something was… not right.

“Oh, he was buying something for his girlfriend. Apparently they had some anniversary coming up, isn’t that sweet of him?”

“What was he buying?” Connor whispered as loud as necessary for his mother to hear him, eyes closed.

“Oh, he was buying her a dress. A blue dress.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 55: Sound Of Silence" is up Monday the 18th.
> 
> Heads up, my intention is to upload the last chapter of Waterloo Sunday the 8th of May. 
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr, add/msg me to talk about Waterloo, Lord Gavin or something else.


	55. Sound Of Silence

“Adam!?”

Adam was sitting in his office doing some much needed paper work. He heard footsteps getting closer and within soon the door was opened.

“Adam you need to come outside. Now.”

“What? Honey what is it?” Mia didn’t look alright.

“It’s… I don’t know. It’s Connor. He’s acting strange. You need to get outside, now.”

Adam got up from his desk and trailed his wife out of their house. Connor was still sitting in the passenger seat of the car, holding his phone to his ear.

Adam walked up to the passenger seat and opened the car door.

“Connor? What’s the matter son?”

No answer, Connor was frantically chewing on his fingernails and Adam noticed that his lower lip was trembling.

“Connor?”

“He’s not picking up…” Connor didn’t really seem to be addressing Adam, it was more like he was stating a fact.

Adam looked over at his wife who looked worried while shaking her head at Adam to signal that she didn’t know what was going on either.

Connor took the phone from his ear only to re-dial it and he was once again listening to the signals ringing.

“Son, what it going on? Who are you calling?”

“He’s not picking up…” Connor whimpered, Adam thought it looked like his son was about to cry.

“Who? Who’s not picking up? Talk to me.”

“Jude… Jude’s not picking up.”

“Ok…? Why is that so bad?” Adam could tell that something was wrong, granted Connor was always acting a bit different around Jude but this was… something else.

“We need to go there, now!” Connor looked at his father with desperation written all over his face.

“Connor. You’re not making any sense, what’s goi-“

“We need to go now! Please dad!”

“Umm…” Adam didn’t know what to do, he once again looked over at Mia who were at a loss. Never had he seen Connor like this. Seeing that Connor had tears forming in his eyes finally convinced Adam to listen to Connor without any further explanation.

“Umm… ok… ok we’ll go-“

Adam was interrupted by Connor’s phone that started ringing, he answered it within half a second.

 

“Hello!”

“Connor…?”

“Jude!” Connor whimpered, wiping his tears with his right thumb.

“Are you… alright?”

Connor needed a minute and Jude gave it to him, never before had Connor felt like crying from happiness just listening to the sound of silence. Jude was alright.

“Yeah… yeah I’m alright.” Connor finally said, trying to keep his voice steady.

“Ok… that’s good… it’s just that I had, wait.” Jude went silent for a few seconds before he continued. “I had 16 missed calls from you… within 30 minutes.”

“Sorry… I just wanted to talk to you.” Connor chuckled, mostly at how pathetic Jude must find him right now.

Jude snickered back at the dork on the other side.

“What did you do, why didn’t you pick up?”

“I was showering. I told you I was going power walking with Hannah, remember?”

“Oh yeah…” Now that Jude told him, he did remember. “How did it go?”

“The walking part went alright, the power thing… not so much.”

Connor laughed, that was pretty much what he had expected when Jude had told him that he and Hannah were going to do some ‘cardio realness’ as he had put it.

“Hey, you showered for thirty minutes? Is that like… normal for you?”

“Hey! I had been walking for an hour. Maybe that’s nothing to you Mr “I’ve-been-working out-since-I-left-the-cradle” but for me that’s pretty much what I would call a land marking achievement. My body needed time to heal and that required 30 minutes of hot water.”

Connor was laughing again, both from relief of just hearing him talk and from Jude’s explanation. After they had listened to each other’s breaths Jude had to ask again.

“Hey Connor, you sure you’re alright? You know you can tell me right…?”

Connor gulped as it was time to get back to reality. He didn’t know what to say though… that he was… worried that Phil was going to… what exactly? Jude had never really said anything, perhaps Connor had let his train of thought run wild and he was getting worried for nothing. Still, he couldn’t take the chance.

“I’m alright, don’t worry about me. Do you think I can come over?”

Jude closed his eyes and bit his lip.

“God… I want you to so much but I _really_ need to study.”

Connor thought about what to say, what can he say to Jude without upsetting him but still warning him of… what exactly? _Fuck…_

“Can’t you study later… I… miss you.” He went with telling the truth, kind of.

“Please Connor… don’t make this harder than it already is. I’m already behind, the test is tomorrow. My foster dad has gone so I can finally concentrate.”

“He’s… gone? As gone away?”

“Yeah, he’ll be back Wednesday or something like that.”

Connor turned his phone away for a second as he exhaled from relief.

“Connor?”

“I’m here, sorry. Ok I’ll let you study then, genius.” Connor said teasingly.

“You are too kind, Mr Haagen-Dazs”

Connor chuckled. “Alright alright, point taken…”

“Connor… you still on for Tuesday? You know you don’t have to come with…”

“I want to be there.” Connor was sure and he could even hear Jude smiling through his phone.

“Ok… good. Thank you.”

“And Connor, you think we can go to your house afterwards? I… I don’t think I want to be alone.”

“Yeah of course, but I can maybe come to your house if you’re… you know, by yourself?”

Jude responded immediately, perhaps a little too fast. “I rather be at your house.”

“Ok… that’s ok.” Connor heard Jude loud and clear.

“So hey… I really don’t want to hang up but I need to begin now.”

“Yeah ok. So I’ll see you Tuesday then?”

“Yes. You had that thing with the team tomorrow right?”

“Yeah I’m not even going to be at Anchor Beach tomorrow, going to be in some indoors arena all day.”

“Ok that sucks but we’ll text right?”

“We’ll text. Bye Jude…”

”Bye Connor…”

Connor smiled when Jude was still lingering on the phone.

“You’re the one that needs to study, I can stay on the phone all day long.”

Jude sighed loudly.

“Asshole.”

Connor snickered as Jude hung up the phone. He stayed in the car for a minute before he noticed that his parents were still standing outside their house, by the look on their faces he had some explaining to do. _Time to get creative…_

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Monday came and went by just as fast. Jude had, as is anyone doubted, aced his test even though he was nearly offended that some of the questions had such bad wordings that they were impossible to answer correctly. He had discussed it with his professor that simply had sighed before responding to Jude. “Yes Jude. I’ll try to do better next time.” It was far from the first time that this had happened.

He and Connor had texted some but Connor had been really busy as the team had some kind of physical evaluations which involved a lot of time consuming tests.

Callie had called, as it was Monday morning. There was no way that she didn’t pick on Jude’s cold tone towards her. There was also no way that she didn’t know why, she didn’t ask. He only wondered when she’d stop calling altogether. He couldn’t wait for that day. Callie hadn’t even mentioned tomorrow’s significance. She’d probably forgotten or she’d simply stopped caring he figured.

Jude was grateful being home alone today and also tomorrow. If Phil would have used tomorrow in some way to get to him, he really didn’t know how he would react.

He got up from his bed and walked towards his closet. He returned to his bed with the box he’d hidden in there. He unlocked it and opened it.

Jude took a minute.

This was always hard for him.

He took a deep breath and picked up the silver pendant lying inside. He opened up the cap to the locket and looked at the picture inside. He sniffled, feeling the tears starting to emerge from his eyes. He closed the cap and held onto the locket, keeping it safe in his hand. He turned it around and let his index finger touch the damaged backside.

“I’m sorry mom… I’m so sorry…”

He cried but he still remained somewhat in control, he knew that he needed his strength for tomorrow.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_Tuesday, Anchor Beach_

“Hey!” Connor greets him with a smile.

“Hey there, did you have to wait long?” Jude asked when joining Connor at their meeting point outside the cafeteria.

“No it’s alright.” Connor checks his phone. “It’s 10 minutes until lunchtime so…. 7 minutes. Give or take.”

Jude smiled at him. They haven’t seen each other since Saturday and Jude hated to admit that he had missed just being around him. _Djeez Jude, when did it come to this…_

“So we’re going right after school right?” Connor asked while looking at Jude. Jude was wearing slightly different clothes than he usually did, he had dark blue dress pants on instead of jeans. He was wearing a long sleeved white button up shirt and a dark blue vest over. He looked very handsome if you asked Connor.

“Yeah, we need to take the bus but not for long. Then when we’re finished, the bus from there goes right by your house so we don’t have to walk for long or anything.”

“Thank god. Would be awful if we had to do some walking.” Connor said teasingly.

Jude smiled slightly. The anxiety from what was to come had started to build up, seeing Connor was helping though.

“So listen. My mom, believe it or not, is making dinner. I told her I didn’t know when we would be back but we can just re-heat it when we get back.”

“Ok… sounds good. Thanks again for… letting me come over. You sure your parents are ok with it?”

Connor noticed that Jude wasn’t as happy and carefree as he, at least sometimes, was around him. It was clear that Jude had things on his mind.

“They are ok with it, trust me.”

Connor snickered remembering something.

“And hey, just a heads up… You should prepare some excuse to my dad that you’re not spending the night at our place. My dad is… let’s just say he is a big supporter of the idea.”

It was meant as a joke but Connor saw that Adam’s idea made Jude very uncomfortable.

“Hey, it was a joke… I know you’re… not. My dad said he’ll drive you home.”

Jude gave him a forced smile. Connor should probably tell Jude not to bother with them. Connor would not in a million years mistake Jude’s genuine smile with anything else.

“It’s ok. So, we’ll meet up by the bus stop at 4?” From a distance Jude saw that his friends were walking towards the cafeteria, not wanting them to kn-… well he guesses it’s just Jacob and Ashley left who didn’t know. _How did this happen?_

“Yeah. See you then.” Connor noticed and as he knew that Jude wasn’t ready for his friends to know he walked out of sight for them. 

“See ya.” Jude said as Connor walked away.

Jude was surely getting more and more anxious about this afternoon. Maybe it was a mistake to invite Connor along. What if… No, having Connor there was important. Connor had to see this side of him sooner or later. And… if Jude was brave enough, he would _need_ Connor to be there.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Time had gone by fast from lunch until the final bell rung. Time had gone by too fast. Jude wasn’t sure he was ready for this after all. It was not going there... to that place, that was the problem. Going there always gave him strength even if it was mixed with a deep sadness.

The problem was Connor. He should have told Connor where they were going. He didn’t even know why he wanted to show him and not just tell him. Perhaps Connor would find this… find Jude too weird. While walking across the school yard he saw that Connor was already sitting on the bench by the bus stop waiting for him.

Connor had his backpack on which he held onto by the straps. He had his white cap on and he wore jeans shorts and a light grey hoodie. The sight of him made Jude’s anxiety cease for a brief second. He sat down beside Connor who greeted him with a smile.

“Hey…” Connor said while looking over, still flashing Jude a smile. Jude could tell from the corner of his eye.

“Hey…” Jude was looking down. Time moved too fast. Soon they would be there, too soon. Jude wasn’t ready… he couldn’t stop thinking about how Connor would react. Would he freak out? Would he leave? Would he stay and pretend not to think it’s weird? Jude was almost hyper ventilating when Connor stepped in.

“Hey… what’s the matter?”

Jude closed his eyes and took two deep breaths before responding.

“I’m just nervous…”

“About what?” Connor asked while Jude still wasn’t looking at him. Jude never did when his mind was racing, Connor had noticed.

“I… I’m…”

_Why am I like this!?_

Jude had a million things on his mind, most of all he got frustrated with himself for not being able to focus his thoughts. Connor gave him the time needed.

“I’m nervous how you’ll react when we get there.” Jude finally said with a surprisingly steady voice.

“Don’t be… If you want me there I want to be there with you.”

Jude snorted.

“You don’t even know where we’re going…”

Connor hesitated for a moment before replying, not knowing if Jude wanted to surprise him or not. However, seeing  how anxious Jude was about it made the decision easy.

“I think we’re going to see your parents.”

Jude’s breath caught in his throat and he looked over at Connor with a surprised look on his face.

“How…. how did you know?”

“You told me once that the… accident, was in November… so.” Connor shrugged.

Jude didn’t know what to say, he sat there with his mouth open and just looked at Connor’s face that was giving him a slight close-lipped smile.

“An-and you don’t… mind?” Jude remembered how to talk again, thank god.

Connor shook his head, never breaking eye-contact with Jude.

“No.”

At that moment, the bus they were waiting for pulled up by the bus stop.

“Come on, let’s go.” Connor said and lead the way getting onto the bus. Jude followed him in silence, still with many things running through his head but with considerable less anxiety than he had the moment before.

The two of them took their seats next to each other at the back of the bus. It was next to empty with only an elderly woman sitting at the front with grocery bags in her lap which she held onto like they were made of gold or something.

“Hey Connor… when we get there…”

Jude took a moment, Connor looked over at him to let him know he was listening.

“I might get, you know... sad. No… I _know_ I’ll get sad, but I still want you there… but… I don’t know. I just want you to know that I want you there.”

“Ok. Just so _you_ know, I might get sad too. I’m not… used to…”

“Cemeteries?”

Connor gulped just from hearing the word.

“Yeah…”

When the bus was getting closer to their stop, Jude carefully took out a piece of fabric that was wrapped around something. He put the fabric in his lap and Connor watched as he gently unfolded it until it revealed Jude’s silver pendant.

He looked over at Connor.

“I always take it with me when I visit them.” Connor tried giving Jude a comforting smile, it was hard to do while thinking about his own pendant lying at home. Connor’s pendant, with the locket with the undamaged backside. Connor bit his lip and inhaled through his nose. Knowing why Jude’s was damaged made him repeat the same sentence over and over again in his head.

_Life isn’t fair…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 56: Jude be brave" is up Wednesday the 20th.
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr, add/msg me to talk about Waterloo, Lord Gavin or something else.


	56. Jude be brave

The bus came to a stop. Jude had gotten less and less talkative as the bus got nearer to its destination. Connor got up from his seat and looked down on Jude who still was sitting down, staring at the back of the seat in front of him. Jude still had the pendant in his hand and his fingers never stopped stroking it.

“Jude?”

Jude kept sitting down while taking deep breaths through his nose.

“Jude? We need to get off now.”

“Umm…? Yeah… Yeah.”

Finally, he stood up and followed Connor as they exited the bus through the back door. When his feet touched the pavement Connor looked up and read the sign decorating the grand gates. “Fort Rosecrans National Cemetery”. Connor forced down a gulp, he wasn’t lying when he had told Jude that he never did like cemeteries.

They stood there for a minute, Connor glancing over at Jude who clearly was struggling with keeping it together. Fingers fiddling and his face flinched some with the rest of his body.

“Hey, you ok?”

Jude closed his eyes and nodded, he opened them again and squeezed his pendant tightly.

“Yeah, I’m ok. Let’s go…”

Connor let Jude lead the way as they walked through the gates. They passed a beautiful garden that was covered with white rose bushes. The sun was shining but every now and then a whiff of cold air hit them as they were making their way walking by gravestones and other memorials. The cemetery was desolate, further up Connor could see an elderly couple walking slowly but other than them, he and Jude were alone. 

The cemetery was huge. Connor wondered if all cemeteries were taken as good care of as this one, every bush and tree were trimmed to perfection and nearly all the graves were carefully decorated with flowers or candles. They had been walking for a few minutes when Jude spoke.

“Thank you for coming with me. Especially when you knew where we were going… I know it’s probably weird but I… I really want you here.” Jude’s voice was low but steady.

Connor was looking over at Jude as they walked side-by-side, Jude was looking downwards focusing on breathing.

“I really want to be here with you. Thank you… for… I don’t know, showing me? I know it means a lot to you.”

“Yeah it does… It does. And hey… sometimes I get… lost. I… I can’t control myself, but just ignore me when I’m like that, I’ll be alright.”

Connor nodded without having any intention of ignoring Jude.

After a few more minutes Jude slowed down before he came to a stop.

“So… their grave is up there.” Jude pointed towards a quite large headstone some 20 feet away, it was somewhat isolated from the other graves as it was positioned on a small hill.

“I… I’m going to go up to them… I want you to meet them but I want to say a few things first so maybe if…”

Connor nodded at Jude and gave him a comforting smile.

“Let me know when.”

The two of them walked slowly up the hill. Connor stopped about half-way and let Jude continue the last few steps on his own. From where he was standing he could read the double upright headstone.

 

_Love makes memory eternal_

 

_Taken from us much too soon, leaving behind a hole that can never be filled_  
  


_Meredith Sarah Jacob_

_Sept. 14. 1972_  
_Nov.  17. 2004_

_  
Patrick John Jacob_

_May   7. 1970_  
_Nov. 17. 2004_

 

A chill went through Connor’s body. Jude was standing in front of the headstone in complete silence. The only thing Connor could think about was, once again, how unfair life had been to Jude. This was how it all started, with his parents being taken away from him when he was only five. How different everything could have been if they hadn’t left him alone that day.

Connor has to make an effort to keep it together, he can only imagine how it must feel for Jude.

Jude looks at the headstone, as he has done many times before.

“Hey mom… Hey dad…”

Connor’s heart clenched as Jude spoke with a low voice, but Connor still heard him. Jude looked so small, so fragile, standing there all alone in front of his parents grave. _Keep it together Connor… This isn’t about you._

“I’m sorry that Callie couldn’t make it… She wanted to, but she couldn’t… school work you know.”

Jude was silent for a few moments, when he spoke again his voice cracked.

“I miss you… I… still miss you… so much.”

From where he was standing, a few feet behind and slightly from the side, Connor could see Jude wiping tears from his face. Connor’s eyes had already started to sting. The only thing making a sound were the leaves that were blowing in the wind, Connor had to close his eyes to help him control his breathing.

After a minute, Jude took a deep breath.

“Mom… Dad… I… I haven’t been honest with you…” His voice seemed caught in his throat as he struggled to form the words. Connor couldn’t stand listening to Jude as he whimpered, he sounded so sad that it almost broke Connor’s heart there and then.

“I…” Jude closed his eyes, not bothering to wipe away the tears running down his cheeks anymore.

“Things haven’t been… good. My life…” Jude choke and he started to cry. Connor had to fight every instinct in his body not to go up to him to comfort him with a hug, by holding his hand, by saying something, anything to make him feel better.

Jude shook his head as he sobbed while trying to speak.

“My life… hasn’t been good…”

Connor sniffled and before long he could feel a tear making its way down his cheek.

“I ne-never told you… because I… I didn’t want you to worry a-a-about me.” Jude had difficulties finishing his sentence as he was weeping his way through it.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t want to lie to you… but I ju-just…”

Jude fell to his knees and by reflex Connor took a step towards him before he stopped himself.

“I just wanted you to be proud of me…” Jude whimpered through the sentence, choking on his words, when he was finished he was once again crying.

Connor’s cheeks were now covered in tears. He had tried to keep it together for Jude’s sake but seeing Jude so… defeated was more than he could handle. He did his best not to make any noise as he didn’t want to disturb Jude, he could tell how important it was for him to get to say these things.

Jude’s body was shaking as he tried to muffle his cries by closing his mouth, Connor could see tears dropping down on the grass in front of him. After a few minutes, Jude tried his best to wipe his cheeks.

“God…” Jude said, indicating frustration from not being able to get it together.

Connor bit his lip, it was so very hard to have Jude continue his monologue with his dead parents on his own, but he knew he had to let him.

“So… I want to be honest with you… because I love you, and I want you to… know me. I want you to know… who I am.” His voice still cracked several times but at least he got through it with less difficulty than earlier.

“Mom… I know that I’ve ne-never had anything… good to tell you about my life.” Connor had already picked up on that Jude missed his mother more than anything so he wasn’t that surprised when he addressed her directly.

“Even if I didn’t tell you about the… bad, I didn’t want to lie about the good… I just wanted to wait to tell you about something good that was true…”

Jude closed his eyes, he was crying again.

“I just didn’t think it would take so long…”

Connor put his hands over his face and took deep breaths, he felt that he was on the verge of breaking down himself from hearing Jude talking without any filter. Connor found himself crying and apparently he couldn’t do it silently enough for Jude not to hear him.

“Hey…”

Connor heard Jude’s voice whispering. He put down his hands and opened his eyes. Jude was looking at him from where he was standing on his knees, he… he looked concerned. Jude, kneeling by his parents grave, looked concerned for _him_ … Connor didn’t know what to say or do.

Jude waved at him to come over. On shaky legs, Connor approached the headstone and sat down on his knees beside Jude, he leaned back on his heels just as Jude did.

Connor looked over at Jude and was met by a kind smile, Jude’s face was red and his eyes were still watery but nevertheless he gave Connor a smile to try and comfort him. Connor had never been more sure exactly what he was feeling for Jude… it was completely undeniable at this point.

When Jude saw that Connor was at least somewhat alright, he turned his eyes towards his parent’s headstone.

“But mom… now I do.”

Connor was still looking at Jude and from the side he could see Jude breaking out a smile, a genuine wide Jude-smile, as he finished his sentence. That Jude still had tears on his cheek’s didn’t make it any less beautiful. It was most likely the most heartwarming smile that Connor had seen in his life, and mind you that Connor’s heart had already been tested more than once when Jude had given him one of his genuine smiles.

“Now I have something good to tell you. No, not good, great.” Jude was all but whispering as he was still very much emotional but his voice was steady, he sounded… proud, if Connor had to put a label on it.

Jude took a moment as he searching for the right words.

“Mom…”

That was all he managed to get through before he started sobbing again. Connor took shallow breaths, once again it took all the self-control he possessed to let Jude finish on his own.

“Mom… I met someone…” Jude was forcing the words through between his sobs.

“And mom… he makes me… happy.” Connor was of course already a mess from having listened to Jude talking to his dead parents, hearing Jude say _that_ didn’t exactly help Connor along with getting his emotions in check.

“Yeah that’s right, I forgot to tell you, I’m gay.” Jude snickered, mostly at the realization how easy that part had been to tell them.

Jude’s smile disappeared, he looked down before once again looking at the headstone with a serious expression.

“I… I know I’ve always come here alone. But… I wanted you to meet him, because he’s…”

Jude’s voice was steady up until then, he finished the sentence whispering with tears running freely.

“Because he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me…”

Hearing those words was more than Connor could take, he started weeping even though he didn’t want to. He wanted to be strong for Jude but there was just no way.

Connor had already given up trying to analyze how he was feeling as everything was in turmoil. Two extreme strong emotions stood out though. The first one and most prominent one was the unparalleled sadness he felt over that Jude still, after all this time, obviously was heartbroken over that his parents were dead. The other one was a hint of joy… even happiness you might say, over that Jude expressed some kind of hope for the future… and Jude did seem to include Connor in that future.

Jude looked over at Connor which helped Connor to somewhat get a hold of himself. Connor felt stupid and frustrated that he couldn’t control his emotions better. It was Jude’s parents that were lying dead in the ground, not his own.

After just looking for a few seconds into Jude’s kind warm eyes, Connor had calmed down. He didn’t know how the small boy sitting beside him did it or even what he did but it sure did work.

They were still looking into each other’s eyes when Jude reached out and took Connor’s hand. Like Jude had done before this made Connor flinch, not expecting the physical contact but it was more than welcomed. Connor noticed that Jude didn’t for one second look around. Someone could see but this time, Jude didn’t care.

“You ok…?” Jude asked him, that concern in his voice that Connor found unfair. He wasn’t able to speak so he just nodded as a response.

Jude broke eye-contact and looked back at the headstone. While still holding tightly on to Connor’s warm hand he said.

“So mom… dad… I want you to meet Connor.”

Connor didn’t really know what to do but he looked at the granite stone in front of them and smiled politely as a way of saying hello.

Jude continued addressing his parents.

“I know I know… He looks unreal. But I’ve checked, he is real.”

Jude laughed slightly and so did Connor, feeling a bit embarrassed for some reason.

“I got so many things to tell you about him but he’ll just get uncomfortable so… another time.”

Jude took a deep breath and Connor could feel Jude shivering some. Connor was looking at Jude but Jude was still looking at the stone symbolizing his parents.

“The thing is… Connor has always been… brave for me. And I… I don’t think I’ve ever been brave in my life.” Jude took a few moments before continuing.

“But now I want to be brave… For him.”

Connor got concerned when Jude’s shivers progressed into Jude shaking, his jaw was trembling and he closed his eyes. Connor tried to comfort him with rubbing his thumb against Jude’s hand.

“God this is hard…” Jude whispered so low that Connor wasn’t sure he was supposed to hear it but he did.

After a minute, Jude seemed ready to speak again. Connor didn’t know that even if Jude was speaking from his heart, he did have some kind of plan regarding what to say.

“So… I brought him here for a reason… I wanted to do it in front of you two, today.”

Connor’s breathing became irregular, there was something in Jude’s tone that told him he had something very important to say.

“Mom… dad… It’s… it’s been eleven years.” Jude’s voice cracked once again, a single tear left the corner on his eye.

“It’s been eleven years and I still love you… so much.”

Jude shut his eyes for a few seconds and exhaled loudly in an attempt to pull himself together. Connor could feel Jude’s small hand clenching around his own. It nearly hurt but Connor knew it was unintentional, Jude’s body did what it had to do to cope.

From the side Connor did get a good look at Jude’s face and now he looked… scared, Connor didn’t know why.

“For eleven years it’s only been… you two… But now…”

Jude’s lower lip was trembling and Connor had to hold onto Jude’s hand as it was shaking along with rest of his body. Jude slowly turned his head and Connor would never ever forget the way his eyes looked deep into Connor’s. The only thing keeping Connor in the real world was Jude’s apparent nervousness, Jude needed him to stay here with him.

“But now… there are three…”

Now, Connor could hear his own heartbeat, it was beating out of his chest. His lips parted and he probably looked as scared as Jude did. Time was standing still as he waited for Jude to continue.

“I just want you to hear… when I tell him for the first time that I love him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 57: Trivial pursuit" is up Friday the 22nd.
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr, add/msg me to talk about Waterloo, Lord Gavin or something else.


	57. Trivial pursuit

_“I just want you to hear… when I tell him for the first time that I love him."_

 

Connor couldn’t believe what he just had heard. He opened his mouth and searched Jude’s eyes for some sign of him just messing around. Connor found none. He had never been a master of words around Jude, but this time he almost outdid himself as all he could say was.

“Wh-what…?”

Jude bit his lip and inhaled through his nose as he looked like he was about to break down crying again. Jude looked scared, he finally managed to say, with a whimper - barely audible.

“I-I… love you.”

Connor was most likely still in shock, the only thing making him able to respond was Jude’s face. Jude had never felt more exposed in his life and it showed. He _needed_ Connor to say something, anything.

Every second that Connor just sat there and looked at him like couldn't believe what he just had heard felt like an eternity for Jude.

Finally, he spoke.

“I love you too.” Connor made it sound like it was the most obvious thing in the world, still very much in shock from Jude's confession.

Both of them just looked at each other after Connor’s uttered words. Jude searched his eyes for a few moments before he spoke familiar words.

“You… you mean it.”

Connor nodded and he felt his face light up. Grinning widely, like something finally lifted, he said.

“Yes I do, I love you Jude.”

Jude put his free hand over his mouth as he shook his head in disbelief. Every time Jude blinked a new tear ran down his cheeks. Jude took his hand from his mouth and moved it to Connor’s face and he touched it in a way that Connor was familiar with. One of Jude’s copying mechanisms, making sure that his mind wasn’t playing tricks on him.

"Sa-say it again... Please." Jude was trembling and tears kept running down his cheeks.

"I love you. I love you Jude."

When Connor didn’t think his heart had any more room for anything Jude related Jude turned his head towards his parent’s headstone and… and the look that he gave them made Connor shiver in the best possible way. Jude was looking so happy, as if he finally had showed them something to be proud of. His eyes clearly saying _‘Did you hear that?’_

Jude giggled as he looked back at Connor. The sight of a smiling Jude while tears were still making their way downwards was another thing added to the list of things that Connor Stevens would never forget in this lifetime.

“God I can’t believe this…”

“Me neither…” Connor replied while looking fondly at Jude. Connor had now officially given up on trying to keep his cool, hearing Jude say those words had defeated him once and for all.

“Ok… just this once you can look at me like that, but it’s not fair you know.” Jude said.

Connor snickered.

“I can’t help it… I can’t take my eyes off you.” Connor didn't for one second care how cheesy he might have sounded.

Jude blushed, the way Connor was looking at him was surely too much.

Jude looked back at the headstone.

“See what I mean mom? Unreal.”

After that they kept looking at each other while sitting on their knees. No more words were needed, they kept repeating the three words with their eyes and their eyes only.

After a few minutes, Jude stood up and with that Connor did as well, still holding onto each other’s hand.

Before looking back at the headstone, Jude took another look at Connor. Jude just shook his head and laughed softly.

“Ok mom and dad… I’m going now. I’ll be back for Christmas with your presents.” Connor looked at Jude, seeing that smile of his made him even less talkative than he already was. Connor had a hard time grasping this moment, it had without a doubt been the most emotional day in his entire life.

“And mom… I… I love you.” After a few moments Jude shifted his eyes over to the side of the headstone with his father’s name on it. “I love the both of you…” Directly afterwards Jude let out a slight laugh, as if he just thought about something, he looked up at Connor. “I love the three of you.”

Connor had to fight every urge in his body not to kiss Jude. Having him so near, holding his hand, seeing his warm genuine smile… to say it was a challenge was an understatement. Jude’s eyes had that spark, Connor could almost swear it was even more prominent than before. Connor Stevens had nothing to put up with in order to resist this, it was over and done as far as he was concerned. The only thing saving Jude's lips from being kissed senseless was the fact that they were standing in front of Jude's parents.

Jude took a final look at his parent’s headstone.

“Bye…”

“Bye…” Connor echoed while he smiled towards the memorial.

They walked for a few feet hand in hand before Connor could feel Jude shifting some. Connor looked over at him and helped Jude along with disentangling their hands.

“It’s ok Jude. Really, it is.” Connor emphasized the word _really_ to let Jude know that it really was ok for him, of course Jude still felt bad about it. Jude did refrain from telling Connor he was sorry as he knew that Connor didn’t like him apologizing all the time and Connor… and Connor deserved everything that Jude was able to give him.

When they had walked more than halfway through the cemetery Jude sighed, as from relief.

“God that was intense…”

“You don’t say?” Connor smirked at him.

“I didn’t mean to… to get _so_ emotional, I really tried to keep it together but… I don’t know. It was stronger than ever before… I couldn’t help it.”

“What was stronger?”

Jude bit his lip, he really didn’t want to push his luck with Connor finding him too weird but… he had made up his mind to avoid lying to Connor whenever possible.

“Their… presence. I… I know how it sounds…” Jude sighed and looked down, as if he was ashamed.

“I know it’s just probably some kind of… I don’t know, copying mechanism. It’s stupid.”

“Hey, it’s not stupid. Don’t say that.”

Jude was still looking down as they got nearer to the gates leading out of the cemetery.

“For what it’s worth… I think your parents are very proud of you.”

“You really think so?” As if on que, Jude’s face lit up and when he looked at him, Connor knew that for once he had said the exact right words.

“Yeah… I really do.” Connor returned his smile which still was plastered on Jude's face when he went back to looking forward.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Unfortunately the bus was almost full on the way back from the cemetery. This didn't stop them from stealing glances at each other, but other than thay any form of affection had to be refrained from... for now.

“I’m starving. I wonder what your mom made for dinner.”

Jude said casually while looking out the window. When Connor didn’t respond Jude turned his head and was met by Connor looking at him in semi-shock.

“What?”

“You? Starving?”

“Umm… yeah?”

“Okay… It’s just, I’m not sure I’ve ever heard you wanting to eat like anything.” Connor chuckled while teasing Jude. His reaction would have been an easy thing to miss as Jude had become an expert at not letting his lack of self-confidence show, but Connor did notice Jude having a reaction to it.

“Sorry… I’m an idiot.”

“No… no you’re not. I know you didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Still, I should think before I speak.”

“Yeah… probably, but we already know that I’m the smart one.”

Connor laughed, Jude had a point.

“Yeah… that’s true.”

The boys got off the bus and started walking the short distance to Connor’s house. Jude barely refrained from giggling just by looking at Connor, the soccer prodigy was beaming and walked with a mix of taking steps and jumping. Not that Jude wasn’t feeling the same way but he still was a bit too drained from the emotional discharge at the cemetery to do any jumping.

When Connor had a visual to his house he slowed down some and asked Jude.

“So, I didn’t tell them where I thought we were going... What do you… you know, want to say?”

Jude took a moment to think it over, after a while he looked back at Connor.

“You know, I don’t mind if they know. I don’t… want to lie to them.”

Connor smiled and nodded at Jude, somehow hearing Jude say that made him happy. Naturally Connor was already happy as can be and that would probably stay true regardless of how Jude had responded.

When they walked up towards Connor’s house, Stevens Jr sprinted ahead and opened the door for Jude. He gave Jude his widest smile and bowed.

“After you!”

“Dork…” Jude snickered when he passed through the door.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“Dad! Mom! We’re back!” Connor shouted and closed the door behind him.

“Oh hi sweetie, hi Jude.” Mia came out of the kitchen holding a towel which she used to dry off a plate.

“We’re starving, what’s for dinner?” Connor made his way to the kitchen and Jude followed him after he was done untying his shoelaces.

“I made some chicken fajitas. I think it’s still warm, I put it under aluminum foil.”

Jude’s eyes widened and his face lit up.

“My favorite…”

“Oh is it?” Mia said smugly before she walked out of the kitchen. “I had no idea…” She managed to whisper just loud enough for them to hear.

“How did she...?”

Connor smiled and shook his head while he took out some salsa and guacamole from the fridge.

“She has her ways…”

Jude was preparing his fajitas, he asked Connor who still was plundering the fridge.

“You got any cheese?”

“You of course… wait.” Connor handed a small plastic bag with shredded cheese to Jude.

“You want… I don’t know, ketchup?”

Jude raised his prominent brow as far as possible before looking at Connor.

“Ketchup? On fajitas? Umm… no?”

Connor laughed and exaggerated a sigh.

“Just checking. I can handle weird but I must say that would almost be a deal breaker.”

 _What deal?_ Jude thought.

 _Idiot._ Connor thought.

The two sat down by the kitchen table side-by-side and started eating. Jude hadn’t been lying, he practically swallowed his fajitas. Connor thought that Jude's eating style reminded him more of that of a seagull than a human, of course he found it beyond adorable.

Adam entered the kitchen, catching Connor looking fondly at Jude.

“Oh hey boys, you’re back, didn’t hear you.”

“Hi Adam.” Jude said while devouring another fajita.

“So, after you’re finished we were thinking about playing some board games, what do you say?”

Connor was about to protest and dismiss the idea, not letting Jude be lured into his parents cleverly laid interrogation trap.

“Yes, that sounds like fun!” Jude said without hesitation.

Too late, Connor. _Fuck…_

“Great, just put the dishes in the washer and come into the living room when you’re finished.” Adam said and left them alone.

Connor finishes his fajitas and looked over at Jude, he had waited too long. He simply couldn’t wait any longer, especially if he was going to survive god-knows-what embarrassing conversations that awaited in the living room.

When Jude had finished his fourth fajita Connor said.

“Hey… you got something…” Connor leaned closer and squinted his eyes.

“What? Do I have something on my face?”

Connor continued leaning closer while looking at Jude with a concerned expression. Connor’s devious plan worked as Jude was completely unprepared when Connor suddenly moved his head and pecked Jude on the lips.

“Got it.” Connor said looking immensely proud.

If Jude would have had a choice, he probably would have preferred to react in some other way than to blush like a fool. 

Connor felt even prouder when he saw Jude’s completely red face which was a clear contrast to his white shirt.

“I couldn’t resist… sorry.” Connor was far from sorry. He couldn’t believe how the sweet taste of Jude’s lips could be so distinct from just a peck. Connor took his dishes and put them into the washer.

“You play dirty, Stevens. I’ll remember that.” Jude said and followed Connor’s lead.

“Oh you have no idea, Jacob.” Connor said with a mischievous smirk.

Jude was back at blushing. He shook his head thinking about the fact that it was way too easy for Connor to make him blush, he had to start working on that.

They made their way into the living room where Mia and Adam were already waiting sitting in the couch.

“Oh hey, boys!” Adam turned off the TV as Jude and Connor took their seats in the corner couch. The Stevens’s had gone all-in as the table was packed with snacks and drinks.

Adam got up and walked over to a book shelf.

“What do you want to play?” Adam addressed the room but when both Connor and Mia looked at him, Jude responded by shrugging.

“Doesn’t matter to me. You decide.”

Adam searched through the shelf.

“How about… Monopoly? Have you played that Jude?”

“Umm… no… not really.” Jude tried to sound casual as he smiled politely at Adam.

“Ok no problem… have you played… Risk?”

Jude shook his head.

“No but, I can try anyway?”

Adam dismissed him.

“No no we’ve played it so many times it would be unfair.”

“How about scrabble, you’ve played that right?”

Jude faked, Connor could tell, a snicker and looked down while shaking his head.

Adam chuckled.

“Really? What kind of board games do you play at your house?”

Adam’s wide smile faded when he looked over at Jude who didn’t answer but kept his head down, avoiding all eye-contact. Adam looked over at Connor and Mia and the three of them shared a concerned look. Mia’s motherly instincts made her heart ache but from Connor’s instructions she knew she couldn’t act on it.

Connor felt bad for Jude, he had learned a thing or two about his reactions, he knew that Jude didn’t mean to clam up, Adam had just unintentionally asked the wrong questions. Connor got an idea.

“Hey I know, let’s play Trivial pursuit.”

“Yeah, great idea son!” Adam searched for a few seconds before he found it.

Jude looked up again and asked Connor, feeling very relieved that the awkward moment from before had passed.

“How do you play?”

“Trust me, you’ll do _alright_.” Connor’s smile did the trick. Jude knew that anxiety probably shouldn’t be able to disappear just like that but for this time he let it slide.

Adam and Connor unpacked the box while explaining the rules. Mia sat silent. In a short amount of time she had grown fond of the small brown haired boy sitting in her couch. She hadn’t been prepared to see Jude’s body language telling her so much, she didn’t like what she saw. Something was not right of this she was sure, she _did_ have some experience on the matter.

Finally, she shrugged it off thinking that she probably over exaggerated.

“So you roll the dice and you answer the questions, that’s it?”

Jude looked at the other three with a cautious look. Surely there must be more to it than that he figured.

Adam chuckled.

“Hey there Jude, the questions are really hard.”

Connor bit his lip. He couldn’t wait for this…

“Ok Jude you can start, roll the dice and move your checker and I’ll read from the category you end up on.”

Jude rolled the dice and ended up on a blue space.

“Ah geography…” Adam read the question before laughing slightly.

“Ok Jude… good luck with this one. What two cities were linked by the Orient Express?”

Mia snickered. Connor looked over at Jude, knowing that his parents had no idea…

After a moment Jude said.

“Well… which one?”

“Umm… what do you mean?” Said Adam.

“Which Orient Express? There’s been… several?”

Adam flipped the card and read the answer.

“It… doesn’t say?”

Connor once again had to bite on his lip, this time from looking at his fathers confused expression.

“Which one is the most famous one, that’s probably it.” Connor told Jude.

“The original one went from Paris to Constantinople so I guess… that one then?”

Adam shook his head.

“No… so close though, correct answer is from Paris to Istanbul.”

Connor was taken aback. He’d never heard Jude answer anything incorrectly. He'd only heard about it in form of a rumour from the Judeases. Granted the question had been ridiculous hard but still, he was surprised.

“Umm…” Jude looked uncomfortable as Adam picked up the dice as he was up next.

“What is it?” Connor whispered for Jude to hear.

“No-…. No it’s nothing.” Jude decided to let it slide. He liked spending time with Connor’s parents too much to risk anything by being a smartass.

Adam did get a few questions right and so did Connor. Well Connor did all he could so that his questions were sports related but still, it counts.

Jude loved this. The way that Adam, Mia and Connor interacted… the loving teasing and the genuine care they obviously had for each other. Jude almost got emotional again but he managed to shrug it off. Everything felt so easy going, like Jude couldn’t do anything wrong… it was such an unfamiliar feeling.

Connor kept looking over at Jude and every time he did, Jude was smiling. Jude even joined in on the teasing parts and made jokes with his parents. In fact, Connor can’t remember seeing Jude like that… ever.

Connor couldn’t help thinking when this would… well at least cease. How much deeper could he fall from seeing more and more of Jude and all that he was? He was already a mess and this… this thing was almost getting out of hand.

Jude caught Connor’s eyes looking at him, he blushed from the way Connor looked at him. He had to look away. _Unreal…_

How much deeper could Connor fall? In his mind, Connor came to some kind of decision. _Fuck it._

It was Jude’s turn again and he moved his marker to a purple space, indicating Arts & literature.

Adam once again looked at the question card and laughed again.

“Sorry buddy, you got another impossible one…”

“What 1966 novel by Larry McMurtry inspired one of his high school classmates to pen a memoir titled Whatever Happened to Jacy Farrow?”

Jude laughed slightly and looked uncomfortable, he moved in his seat.

“I know I know, sometimes they are just impossible.” Adam chuckled.

Connor looked over at Jude and said, he was becoming increasingly good at reading Jude’s body language.

“Hey… Don’t hold back.”

Jude gave Connor a nervous smile before answering Adam.

“Umm… the answer is The Last Picture Show.”

Adam opened his mouth and just stared at Jude.

Jude already regretted it. No one likes a show off.

After a second, Adam starts laughing a warm and genuine laugh.

“That’s right! Wow! Jude how the hell did you know that?!”

“Because he’s a genius. And dad, please don’t swear.”

Jude looked over at Connor and he knew that if Connor’s parents hadn’t been there he would have had to kiss him. Perfect Connor Stevens.

The Stevens’s laughed and when Jude realized they were genuinely impressed and happy for him he kept thinking that this was too good to be true. It can’t suppose to be like this, it just can’t.

Jude kept answering question after question correctly, the Stevens’s couldn’t stop laughing over how he could know just about everything.

After a while they agreed, mostly because Jude insisted, that after three correct answers the next player in line would get his or her turn.

“So boys, I forgot to ask. What did you do after school?”

Mia asked casually while moving her marker on the board.

Connor glanced at Jude who only needed a moment to think it over.

“We… we went to see my parents.”

Mia and Adam went stiff, clearly not what they expected Jude to say. Jude looked over at Connor who gave him a comforting smile.

“Umm… ok. So you visited their…” Adam trailed off.

“Grave…. yeah.”

Mr. and Mrs. Stevens were struggling with what to say so Jude helped them along.

“It was 11 years ago today that they… the accident.”

By reflex Mia moved closer to Jude on the couch, still not touching him but something inside her told her to get closer.

“I go every year and this year I… I wanted Connor to come with me.” Jude smiled at Connor, not ready to share why he had wanted him there, certainly not wanting to tell Connor’s parents what he had told Connor.

Mia and Adam smiled instantly, they both heard it in Jude’s tone, the affection for their son.

“Ok, how did it go?” Mia asked.

“Umm… it went... ok, I think. I mean I cried like a baby but that was to be expected.” Jude laughed softly before Connor filled in, chuckling.

“Yeah, me too.”

“I think it’s good for you, that you still go there. I mean… to process things.” Adam addressed Jude.

Jude shrugged.

“Of course I go there. It feels… good, to talk to them.”

Adam and Mia shared a quick look.

“I understand, but I mean it’s a good thing that you still do it after such a long time-”

“They are still my parents.” Jude bit his lip and looked down at the table.

Mia’s heart clenched and out of nowhere her eyes stung. She had to look away.

Adam was already very fond of Jude. There was something about the boy sitting next to his son and wife, something he liked a lot.

“Yeah of course Jude… of course they are. I didn’t mean it like that.”

“It’s okay…”

“What were their names?” Mia had pulled herself enough together to speak with a steady voice.

“Sarah and John Jacob… She was a nurse and he worked as a contractor.” As he read Jude’s body language, Connor laid his hand palm up on his knee. Jude took it instantly and continued speaking while Adam and Mia smiled internally seeing Jude’s small hand being embraced by his son’s. Connor wasn't sure that Jude even knew he took it.

“My mom was going to be a doctor. She went to med school while she worked. She was really smart.”  

Jude smiled by thinking about her, after a moment he went on.

“And my dad was successful, he worked a lot but he was really good at it. You know they met when my mom was only sixteen and they fell in love-“ Jude stopped talking. He took a quick glanced over at Connor before continuing again. Hopefully he didn’t look as scared and surprised as he felt.

“A-and they… were together until… the accident.”

“How old were they when… the accident?” Adam asked.

“My mom was 32 and my dad was 34.”

“Oh, so they had been together for 16 years?”

Jude nodded.

“I’m sure they were a lovely couple, seeing their son I’m sure they were both good-looking too.” Mia said, in some way trying to comfort him.

When Jude let go of his hand and started to reach for his pocket, Connor froze. As Jude picked up the piece of fabric Connor desperately searched his mother’s eyes but she was looking at Jude and Jude only. Connor looked over at his father who met his eyes. Adam could tell that something was wrong when Connor kept shaking his head and looking at him with a serious expression. Connor wasn’t making any sense, why was he acting like this now?

“My mom was beautiful. I got a picture of her here.” Jude was smiling warmly, clearly thinking of the picture, as he unwrapped the fabric.

Jude laid the locket in the palm of his hand and showed it to Connor’s mother.

Mia furrowed her brow. Connor felt the panic rising as he immediately knew that Mia recognized it. Mia’s eyes shot up and looked into Connor’s. This was bad. This was… very bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 58: Together" is up Sunday the 24th
> 
> I've done the math. The final chapter will probably not be uploaded on May 8th. During the week after, I won't be able to post/edit. This means that we'll probably have some kind of Waterloo hiatus between 10-15th of May (Not saying that it has anything to do with the Eurovision Song Contest or anything like that.) In order to post it on May 8th I would have to rush some chapters and I simply can't do that.
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr


	58. Together

Jude's locket was lying in his hand, Mia's gaze went from Connor back to the familiar locket.

 

 

“That looks li-“

“That’s a beautiful pendant Jude, really.” Adam cut her off. Jude didn’t notice the silent conversation going on between the Stevens’s, he was busy looking at the locket while he was stroking it with his thumb.

“Thanks…”

Jude opened the locket and gave it to Mia.

“I’m two weeks old there.” He smiled at her and she returned it.

“She was Jude… she was very beautiful.”

Mia kept holding onto the locket, Connor was all but holding his breath hoping that she wouldn’t, but of course she did.

Mia closed the lid and turned the locket over. She flinched seeing the damaged backside, shooting a look at Connor who looked her straight in the eyes. She forced down saliva and turned it back without commenting but with many questions running through her head. She gave it back to Jude.

“Can I see?” Adam asked and Jude’s face lit up as he gave it over, the sight warmed Connor’s heart.

“Wow… she was. You have her eyes…” Adam looked up at Jude before looking back at the photo inside. “And her nose. It’s easy to see you’re your mother’s son.”

Jude flinched. He had never heard anyone compare their looks before, even though he _had_ seen it himself. The Stevens’s are the only one that’s seen the photo and it… it felt so good just talking about her with someone other than himself.

Adam handed the locket back to Jude who carefully folded it into the fabric again. He was smiling the entire time. Mia was silent, deep in thought.

“Have you got a picture of your dad?” Adam asked, he had never seen Jude as happy as when he showed his mom’s picture and seeing Jude happy was something that he wanted to see over and over again.

Connor tensed up and Jude’s smile faded when he answered Adam with a low voice.

“No… I don’t.”

That Jude barely could remember how his father looked like was not something he was ready to discuss even with Connor, it hurt more than anything. One of the reasons that he felt so much closer to his mother was of course because of the photo, the photo that kept the memory alive.

“Ok… maybe another time then.” Adam tried, offering him a smile. Jude gave a polite smile back without any further respons. He didn’t want to lie to Adam.

If you could measure the amount of hatred Connor felt toward Phil, there would have been some kind of record being broken that night. _How the fuck can someone do that to someone else?_ Still, Connor felt… no Connor knew that Jude wasn’t telling him everything concerning that man. Connor just hoped that the things he didn’t tell him wasn’t as bad as his dark thoughts once in a while took him.

The four of them continued playing their ongoing game. Jude had answered every question correctly until he finally, after trying to avoid it for as long as possible, only had a sports question left to answer in order to win the game.

Connor looked at the question, he snickered loudly before looking over at Jude.

“It’s your lucky day Jude… unbelievable that you would get this question.”

Jude looked hopeful as Connor started reading the question out loud.

“What is the name of San Diego’s baseball team?”

“Really?!” Adam chuckled.

“Well at least the humiliation of the Stevens’s is finally over…” Mia filled in as everyone was waiting for Jude’s answer.

“Umm…”

Connor looked up from the card and on Jude. Connor had to put his hand over his mouth to keep from laughing out loud.

“You don’t know do you?” Connor couldn’t help it, Jude’s puzzled look was too adorable.

“Give me a second!” Jude tried to seem irritated but his smile gave it away.

Adam and Mia laughed slightly when Jude struggled but their eyes were drawn towards their son. Adam’s chest and stomach got warm. It was all in the way that Connor was looking at the brown haired boy. Connor’s eyes, alternating between looking at Jude’s lips and eyes, completely lost and disconnected from everything else. Mia had to put her hand over her mouth to hide her smile.

Mr. and Mrs. Stevens looked at each other and smiled knowingly before looking back at the boys.

“Ok! Ok… I don’t know… San Diego… Baseballers?” Jude finally gave up.

Connor laughed, not in a patronizing way, quite the opposite.

“Close Jude… San Diego Padres.”

“Ah… Padres…” Jude said like it suddenly became very obvious.

“You’ve never heard of them before have you?” Connor called him on it.

“Not once.” Jude said and laughed along with Connor and his parents.

The next time around Jude did manage to answer his question correctly and therefor winning the game.

“You know Jude, you and Connor should play as a team sometime. I bet you’d be unstoppable with Connor knowing the sports questions and you knowing everything else.”

“Hey, rude dad! I know other… stuff. Sometimes.”

“Sure you do, son… sure you do.”

Jude snickered. This was the first time he’d really spent time with Connor’s family and it had been better than he even had imagined. Not that he had imagined spending time with Connor’s family in particular, but many nights he had closed his eyes and dreamt of being a part of a family… a real family.

Connor figured he and Jude had spent enough time with his parents. They were ok in small doses and they hadn’t even embarrassed him that much but Connor didn’t feel like pushing his luck.

“So, we are going upstairs. We have some studying to do.”

“We do?” Jude Jacob wasn’t always a genius.

“Yeah we do, remember?” The look that Connor gave Jude couldn’t be misinterpreted.

“Oh… yeah… that’s right. Now I remember.” Smooth, Jude.

Adam bit his lip and Mia tried not to smile as wide as she did.

“Ok run along. We’ll be here if you need us. Try not to study too hard.” Adam couldn’t refrain from smirking at Jude and Connor.

Connor got up from the couch and Jude trailed him. Before leaving the living room he had something to say.

“Hey… thank you, for having me over. Really.” Jude looked both Mia and Adam in their eyes, making sure they knew he meant it.

“Any time Jude, we love having you here.” Adam said and Mia concurred by nodding.

“I love being here.” Jude said and smiled wide at the Stevens’s.

“You are a fine young man. We can both see why Connor likes you so much.”

“Dad…” Connor looked away and Jude blushed slightly when Adam continued.

 

“We mean it Jude. Your parents would be proud of you.”

Adams words hit Jude right in the heart. He couldn't control it, the way his body reacted. Tears formed instantly and he looked down. Jude wasn’t sad though, no that wasn’t it.

“Thank you…” Jude’s voice cracked which caused Mia to stand up. As she often reacted to emotional situations she covered her mouth and nose with her hand in a futile attempt to hide her feelings.

“Sweetheart…”

By pure motherly instinct, Mia took a few steps towards Jude. Connor had been clear that physical contact was strictly forbidden and it was a good thing he’d been so explicit about it, otherwise Mia wouldn’t have been able not to hold him in her arms.

Connor took his place beside Jude, letting him know he was there for him. Jude appreciated the gesture and he looked up towards the Stevens’s with teary eyes. With a smile forming on his face he repeated himself in a low voice.

“Thank you…”

Jude and Connor walked up the stairs to Connor’s room, leaving Mia and Adam in the living room. When the door closed, Mia exhaled and sat down in the couch again.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“Oh god…”

“Yeah… I know.” Adam said while looking at his wife’s pained expression.

For a few moments they sat in silence, analyzing what they both had witnessed.

“Adam I don’t… I don’t think Jude is alright.”

Adam was deep in thought. He had seen it too.

“No… Me neither.”

“You’re not supposed to feel like that after so long. I… I’ve met teenagers who have lost their parents and… and yes they are still sad but…”

“But not like that…” Adam filled in.

“Not like that… He hasn’t moved on… at all.”

Adam took a deep breath, saying out loud what he’d been thinking for a long time.

“I…” Adam gulped.

“I don’t think Jude has anyone else… I think he needs to talk to them. To… manage.”

Mia looks at her husband. She can tell he’s as affected by this as she is, if not more so. Adam is clearly thinking over what to say, after a minute he continues.

“Maybe we’re worrying for nothing. Maybe it’s just that he had been at their graves earlier. I mean, _I_ still think it’s hard to visit pops grave.”

“Maybe… But it wasn’t just that, you saw how… happy he was? I mean it was great to see but it was like he’d never done anything like this before.”

Adam nodded, he knew exactly what she was talking about. Connor’s other friends had never acted like Jude had done.

“I don’t know what we can do, just make sure he feels at home here. He’s a good kid.”

“He is… They are so alike. Don’t you think?”

Adam smiled and nodded, of course he had noticed.

“Yeah I know… they’ll be a great couple.”

Mia opened her mouth in disbelief.

“You think they are together-together?”

“No… not yet. But they love each other, you saw it right? It’s only a matter of time.”

Mia snickered.

“I saw… Connor is head over heels.”

Adam chuckled back.

“He is… and I think he has been for a long time.”

Mia smiled while thinking about the wonder that was young love, her smile faded as her mind wandered on.

“Adam… did you see?”

“Did I see what?”

“Jude’s pendant… the locket.”

“Yeah that’s right, the locket.”

“You recognized it, right?”

Adam slowly nods, he did recognize it.

“Did… did you see the back of it?”

“Umm no I just looked at the photo, why?”

“The back, it was… damaged. By someone.”

Adam looks puzzled.

“What… what does that mean?”

“I’m, I don’t know… but Connor seems to.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“Finally…”

Connor exhales, shuts his eyes and leans back towards at the door he just closed. Jude smiles at him.

After a moment of silence, Connor opens his eyes to find the brown doe eyes looking directly at him. Connor has to shake his head in order to clear it.

“Di-did you have a good time?”

“Yeah… I really did. Your parents are the best.”

“I’m not sure about that, but they were ok today I guess.”

Jude sits down on Connor’s bed and looks around. The teddy bear that Connor got from his soccer game is still sitting on his desk. Not that Jude cares or anything.

Connor walks around his room. He keeps his gaze on his fingers that can’t stop playing with themselves.

“Hey… come sit down.” Jude says while patting the space on Connor’s bed right next to him.

Connor nearly blushes. They hadn’t really been alone since they… told each other. Connor sits down beside Jude but he’s still avoiding eye-contact with him. When Jude notices he can’t help snickering.

“What?” Connor says as he finally looks at Jude.

“I’m just… I still can’t believe how _you_ can get nervous around _me_.”

“I’m not nervous. I’m just…” Connor trails off when he doesn’t find a credible explanation.

“Yes you are… trust me, I know all about it.” Jude doesn’t recognize himself, around Connor he’s turning into… someone else. Still Jude, but… better.

“Ok maybe a little.” Connor looks away but he has a smile on his face.

Jude looks at Connor. He really looks at him. Connor’s still wearing his jeans shorts and grey hoodie. He looks at Connor perfect sun kissed skin, some freckles showing and that chin dimple that Jude had wanted to kiss for so long. Yeah he knows it’s weird so he figured he would try refrain from doing it for as long as possible. Jude keeps looking, Connor’s hair is on point. Jude has noticed that it always is. When his mind starts showing him images of Connor being born with a perfect hairdo he knows it’s time to stop.

In the corner of his eye Connor notices that Jude’s looking at him.

Connor sighs, still not looking at Jude.

“Can you stop that?”

“Stop what?”

“Looking at me like that…”

“Why?”

“Because you make me want to kiss you.”

Connor’s words make Jude let out a small laugh, Connor still loves that laugh.

“I don’t have a problem with that…” Jude says with a smirk that’s still there when Connor turns his head towards him.

“Is that right?” Connor leans his body to the side, putting his left hand on the mattress as support.

Jude bites his lip not to say something stupid like… for example.

“Isn’t it warm in that hoodie?” _Shit_. Should have bitten harder, Jude.

Connor chortles.

“Who are you and what have you done with Jude?”

Jude smiles wide, not even blushing that much. Jude is relieved that Connor understood he was joking. Yeah... only joking.

Jude mimics Connor and turns his body towards Connor, leaning on his right hand for support. Connor gets a more serious expression when his eyes are made aware of Jude’s plump lips. The care-free and humorous mood from a few moments ago gone in an instant. Connor’s breathing slows down and when he looks into Jude’s eyes, telling him all he needs to know, he leans in towards Jude.

Jude’s eyes give him permission to continue without him having to pause his movement. As before Jude lets Connor lead the way and he stays still and closes his eyes when Connor gets close enough. Connor’s warm lips makes contact with Jude’s smaller ones. Even though Jude tried not to, he let out a low whimpering moan. Connor’s heart skipped a beat hearing the sounds coming out of Jude.

Connor wasted no time in deepening the kiss. Jude gasped when Connor parted his lips and sucked lightly on Jude’s upper lip. Jude imitated Connor and let his lips move against Connor’s bottom one. Connor carefully let his tongue taste Jude’s lips, it didn’t take a second for Jude to meet him and before long their tongues moved slowly against each other in motion with their lips. Jude was still giving away involuntarily moans, he couldn’t help it, Connor’s lips and tongue was making him lose his mind. 

Connor kept tasting and tasting Jude, it was all he could think about, wanting to taste more and more of him. His tongue was surely moving more intensely than it had before against Jude’s but from the sounds that Jude was making, Jude didn’t mind one bit.

When Jude’s tongue did this thing were it licked over Connor’s entire lower lip it was Connor’s turn to moan, it was a deeper moan than Jude had been given and if Jude was losing his mind before now he had checked out completely.

Connor found himself out of air from the sensation and broke away a few inches to catch his breath. He opened his eyes and was met by Jude’s eyes looking at him desperately. Connor was about to ask him what was wrong when Jude whispered, sounding just as desperate as he looked.

“More… Please…”

After half a second Connor got to know that Jude wasn’t really asking him. The shorter boy put his left hand behind Connor’s neck, letting his fingers play with his hair, before leaning in and once again closing the gap between them.

They hadn’t kissed since their date when they were alone on the cliff overlooking San Diego. You could tell from the way that Jude’s lips and tongue moved that that peck that Connor gave Jude earlier didn’t count.

Connor was getting lightheaded from the combination of the sweet taste of Jude’s tongue caressing his own and from Jude’s fingers playing with his hair. The taste and smell of everything that was Jude was taking up all of his brain activity, the sensation was unfamiliar... it was so much stronger, Connor had to break away once again to avoid passing out.

Both Connor and Jude was panting and their faces stayed only a few inches apart, not wanting to be further away from each other than absolutely necessary. Connor still had his eyes closed when he repressed his laughter by pressing his lips together. Jude had opened his eyes and the sight of Connor, red swollen lips and all, looking like the happiest boy in the world took what little that was left of Jude's breath away.

Jude had to lean in and press his forehead against Connor’s for support. Both of them stayed like that for a minute, eyes closed but with wide smiles, snickering from the sensation of being in love.

Connor made a notion that a person’s breath should probably not be so intoxicating as Jude’s was. Every time Jude exhaled through his nose it made Connor shiver. _I am so screwed…_

“I love you…” Jude whispered, eyes still closed, focusing on his breathing.

“I love you too… so fucking much you have no idea Jude.” Connor snickered back. Perhaps he shouldn’t be laughing at all from Jude’s sweet words but there was just no way he couldn’t, his body and mind was a bubbly mess.

Connor waited a few moments. When Jude didn’t say anything, Connor slowly pulled back separating their foreheads. He opened his eyes and looked into Jude’s who just had his opened.

“What? You’re not going to correct me?” Connor said while smiling.

Jude shook his head slightly.

“Nope…”

This caused both of them to chuckle.

“God I’ve missed kissing you… I thought about it all day.” Connor said, not breaking eye-contact.

“Me too…” Jude whispered back.

After they’ve looked at each other for a moment, Jude began laughing slightly.

“What is it?”

Jude kept looking at Connor, he was almost staring.

“No, nothing.” Jude was biting his lip, clearly trying to compose himself.

“Jude…”

Jude sighed and closed his eyes.

“Ok… ok…”

He took a deep breath, opened his eyes and looked into Connor’s, the hazel one’s still managed to affect the pace in which his heart was beating.

“Do you have any idea how hard it is for me not to look at your jeans shorts right now?”

Connor smiled, showing Jude his white teeth, and sure enough his cheek’s turned pink.

“I’m sorry, I feel like a perv.” Even though he was still smiling, Jude _did_ sound at least semi-sorry.

“It’s ok… I’m… glad you’re, restraining.” Connor was still blushing as he glanced down towards his shorts.

“Still happy?” Jude asked.

Connor laughed.

“Yupp… still happy.”

Connor reached behind Jude and grabbed a cushion. He put it in his lap.

“Better?”

Jude finally looked down.

“I wouldn’t say better but definitely… less distracting.”

Connor laughed again, seems that was all he was able and willing to do.

“What a day, huh?” Connor said after he figured that Jude might soon find it creepy if he just kept looking at his perfect porcelain face. Of course Jude was doing the same but logic and Jude was not a combination that Connor had perfected yet.

“Yeah you can say that again. Good luck trying to get some sleep tonight…”

“I hear you…” Connor paused a moment before continuing. “Hey, you ok?”

“Yeah… yeah I’m ok. It’s been intense but…” Jude’s expression changed, he smiled at Connor and his eyes made Connor feel warm to his core. “I’m more than ok…”

Connor had to break eye-contact for a second to keep his cheeks from turning red. He remembered something and he picked up his phone and asked Jude.

“Yeah that’s right. What did you answer on that first question?”

“Umm… what?” Jude wasn’t following.

“The question… that you got wrong. The orientally express?”

“Orient express. But… it doesn’t matter…”

“Jude…” Connor leaned his head to the side, not taking no for an answer.

Jude sighs in defeat.

“Alright, alright. I said from Paris to Constantinople.”

Connor tapped on his phone. Jude could guess what he was doing. After a minute Connor chuckled.

“I knew it.”

Jude tried giving Connor a smile.

“Hey… you shouldn’t hold back. Have you any idea how… amazing I think your brain is?”

Jude glanced down towards his lap, looking uncomfortable.

“Really Jude. If I was half as smart as you-“

Connor got interrupted when Jude blurted out.

“No one likes a know-it-all.”

Connor didn’t really know what to say, Jude looked… troubled. Jude didn’t think that this was the time or place to tell Connor that, in his head, it was the reason that John & Scott had started tormenting him all those years ago.

He hadn’t even said anything but when the professor had uttered the words _“Why can’t you two be more like Jude?”_ he didn’t know the consequences it would have. At recess they filled his backpack with water and after that is escalated. Jude forced himself not to think about the memory of what Phil did to him when he had to ask for money for new school books.

“Hey… You’re not a _know-it-all_. A know-it-all is someone who acts like they… and… talks down to those who aren’t as smart as they are.”

Jude gulped, Connor fucking Stevens…

“And that’s not who you are… at all.”

Connor reached out and held his hand in front of Jude. Jude kept looking at their hands after he had put his hand in Connor’s, letting his warm hand give Jude the comfort it always did.

“You always know what to say to me…” Jude was whispering, affection in his voice.

Connor couldn’t help to chuckle at that.

“Are you kidding me? I can barely form sentences most of the time.”

Jude snickered. Connor had a point.

“Ok maybe not always… but most of the time.”

“Jude…”

“Ok sometimes you do.”

They both laughed slightly, coming to some sort of agreement. Jude is still smiling slightly, affection written all over his face.

“But it’s not what you say you know… it’s… this.”

Jude squeezes Connor’s hand and looks down at them, intertwined and connected.

“I don’t know how you do it but it’s like… you… get me.”

Connor was not even getting emotional from hearing Jude’s soft and affectionate tone… not the slightest. And if he was, which he wasn’t, it was probably because it had been a long day.

“And that’s the thing Connor… no one has… no one gets me.”

Connor responds by softly rubbing the back of Jude’s hand with his thumb.

“Hey… do you know that you held my hand, in the living room?”

Jude lifted his gaze and met Connor’s eyes, he didn’t look to be quite in shock but close to it.

“Wh-what? In… front of your…?”

Connor nodded and gave him a warm smile, hoping to bring some comfort. Jude still had wide eyes, his gaze was drawn to some undefined space as he was trying to remember.

“Bu-but…”

“You’ve done it a few times. When you are… I don’t know, emotional I guess...”

Once again Connor could read what Jude was thinking, what he was fearing.

“Hey don’t worry, I would never let you if it’s… not safe.”

Jude did seem to calm down some from Connor’s words.

“I promise.”

That did the trick, well played Connor.

“Is there anything else I do to embarrass myself?” Jude said jokingly when he had composed himself.

“Well there is that thing when you always stare at my ass.”

_He’d noticed?! Oh no this is bad…_

Connor couldn’t hold a straight face for more than three seconds, seeing Jude’s alarmed expression.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding… sorry. Couldn’t resist.”

Jude closed his eyes and exhaled, apparently he’d been holding his breath.

“You’re the worst Connor…”

“No… you love me, remember.” Connor was smirking and Jude hated how much he loved that smirk.

“Yeah I do…” Jude said while exhaling again, like it was such a burden, causing Connor to chuckle.

Once again their eyes found each other’s causing them to disconnect from everything else. After a while, Jude did notice that something… troubled Connor, it was easy to spot sitting right next to him. Not skilled in the arts of hiding how he was feeling, not in front of Jude anyway, Connor began biting on his lower lip. He had thought about _this_ since they had walked from Jude’s parents grave to the bus but every time he thought he had gathered the courage he discovered that he really hadn’t.

Yes, Jude saw the change in Connor. He looked very far from the care-free boy with perfect golden brown hair that had turned Jude’s life upside down. If Jude didn’t trust in that Connor probably would hurt himself before hurting Jude, he would have been worried.

When Connor had been giving Jude a nervous smile for the third time that minute, Jude couldn’t take it anymore.

“What is it?”

Connor was breathing through his nose as he was almost causing his lip to bleed. Jude noticed that Connor kept tapping his foot, something Jude had seen him do before when he is nervous.

“Umm… so… I know that you’ve been... together with… Hannah.” Connor struggled with the words, but after a while a sentence formed. Not the one he was originally planning on saying but at least it was words that kind of made sense.

Jude nodded and gave him a look that urged him to continue, this was information known.

Connor went mute again so Jude helped him along.

“And you’ve been with Melissa?”

Still taking deep breaths, Connor forced down saliva.

_You can do it Connor…_

“Yeah… but, now you are single…?”

Jude laughed at the dork beside him. It sounded like a question which obviously had to be a joke. Jude didn’t notice or know that Connor was making sure, he had to get this right and for Connor this was the right way to do it.

“Yes… I am.”

“No girlfriend, right?” Connor seemed a bit more comfortable from hearing Jude laugh, he was almost smiling by now.

“No girlfriend.”

“And no boyfriend?”

Jude snickered again while shaking his head. The smile on Jude’s face faded as he saw Connor’s expression change back into a more serious one. Still he managed to answer, perhaps more seriously than Connor’s rhetorical question deserved.

“Nope… no boyfriend.”

Jude glanced down, apparently he had taken Connor’s hand. Connor was… quivering.

Jude looked back into Connor’s eyes. If Connor was breathing it wasn’t noticeable. A moment of silence lingered. Suddenly, Connor’s thumb stopped stroking Jude’s hand. The sound of Jude’s heart beating out of his chest was interrupted by Connor’s unsteady voice.

“Do you want to be mine?”

Jude had no words to give to Connor. None was needed as Jude with teary eyes, apparently he'd started crying, looked deep into Connor's eyes. While silently weeping, Jude began nodding his head furiously.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Chapter 59: Boyfriends" is up... when it's ready.
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr


	59. Boyfriends

“Boys!” Adam is shouting while standing at the bottom of the stairs.

After a moment, perhaps a second too long for it not to be suspicious, Connor shouts back.

“Yeah!?”

“It’s getting late. I need to get Jude home!”

It takes a full minute for Connor’s door to open. The two boys come down the stairs, Jude is for once avoiding Adam’s eyes but he can see that Jude is smirking though he’s doing his best to try and hide it.

“Hey dad!” Connor is trying to act casual. Adam finds himself feeling some kind of relief over that at least Connor still has his hoodie on.

When they have reached the bottom of the stairs, Adam keeps looking at the both of them before chuckling.

“What?” Connor says and Jude is finally able to look at him.

Adam makes a point at looking at both of their hair before speaking with a huge grin.

“Looks like the studying was… rough.”

Connor looks over at Jude and Jude looks over at Connor. Their eyes widen in sync. Apart from noticing the red swollen lips it’s the way their hair is completely messed up that makes them understand that Adam knows exactly what’s been going on upstairs.

Jude blushes like a tomato, he even needs to look down and hide his face behind one of his hands. Connor also starts blushing but after a moment, Connor’s protective nature takes over and he feels irritated at his father for making Jude uncomfortable. He looks at Adam sternly.

“Just… stop. Ok?”

“Yeah-yeah calm down son, I’m only teasing. So Jude, let’s get going.”

“Can I go with you?”

“Umm… yeah sure. If you want to discuss what was going on upstairs during the car ride instead of getting ready for bed on a school night, sure… you can come along.”

Connor looked down in defeat, point taken.

Jude put on his shoes and grabbed his backpack. The three of them were standing in the hallway, when neither Jude or Connor said anything for a while Adam could feel Connor’s eyes on him.

“What?”

“Can you… like, wait in the car or something?”

Adam raised his brow, looking confused for a second. Then he got it.

“Oh for gods sake…” Adam exhaled loudly before going outside, shutting the outer door behind him.

Jude smiled shyly, for some reason, when Connor walked up to him. Connor was painfully aware that the only part of Jude he had ever touched was his face and his hands. He had to restrain from putting his hands on Jude’s waist and pull him closer, but Jude’s body language had been clear on the matter, it wasn’t… welcomed.

“Thanks for today… Best day ever.” Connor whispered.

“Best day ever…” Jude echoed.

Connor lifted his hand towards Jude’s face. He did wait for a second before he started stroking Jude’s cheek with it. Connor leaned down at the same time as Jude stood up on his toes, meeting the 7 inch taller Connor half-way.

Compared to their make out sessions earlier, this kiss was soft and gentle. Their lips stay pressed against each other’s for as long as it was needed for them to tell each other the three words without saying them out loud. Alright, their lips probably stay pressed a bit longer than that but still.

When their lips parted they stayed but an inch apart, Jude giggles before he whispers.

“See you tomorrow… boyfriend.”

Connor’s heart skipped a beat from hearing the word that still was unreal for him. He couldn’t resist pecking Jude’s lips one more time before responding to the shorter boy with pink cheeks.

“See you… boyfriend.”

They are both smiling from ear to ear while looking each other in the eyes. Both of them having a hard time believing anything of this is real. Connor is lost in their world, just as he’s contemplating kissing Jude again the sound of a car horn goes off. Would you look at that, they lost track of time. Shocker.

“I think I better go, don’t want to let him wait any longer.”

“Yeah you’re right. Tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Adam had all the ammunition required for having a very embarrassing conversation with Jude but he used none. He couldn’t wait for the day when he would get to use all his best material on Jude but he did want to wait, having Jude around was still too new and he didn’t want to take any chances.

They talked about this and that during the entire time, Jude did like talking to Adam so he avoided thinking about Connor as much as possible. When they were pulling up outside Jude’s house Adam said.

“Hey Jude, we did mean it you know.”

Jude looked over at Adam, letting him continue.

“That we love having you over. You’re always welcome. And… if you ever… need us, anything. You let us know, ok?”

Jude nodded and gave him a close-lipped smile.

“Ok? Good… Now run a long, it’s already late.”

“Bye Adam.”

”Goodbye, Jude.” Adam stayed and watched Jude walk up the porch, he didn’t leave the driveway until Jude had shut the door behind him.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude took the time to go around inside the house and make sure that everything was in order as Phil was getting back tomorrow. Still, Jude kept the smile on his face the entire time. Nothing was to bring him down this day, he had decided.

As he carefully unloaded the dishwasher his phone buzzed in his pocket. He was already smiling, assuming it was Connor who was texting him.

His smiling face twitched reading the text message.

_“I hope you are feeling well. I know it wasn’t easy to do but it needed to be done, you need to be safe and this was only way. I know it hurts but you’ll get over it and so will he.”_

Jude deleted the message instantly. Nothing was to bring him down. He knew what he was doing.

Every time his mind tried to remind him of the text and the reason behind it he forced it away. Jude took a long hot shower. While under the water he closed his eyes and smiled thinking about Connor… perfect Connor. He started to laugh, he shook his head questioning how this could be real. He had a boyfriend. Connor Stevens was his boyfriend. Jude giggled and turned his head up and opened his mouth, letting the hot water drip into his mouth.

Jude wrapped himself in a towel, he avoided looking into the mirror as he passed it heading to his room. Nothing was to bring him down.

Before getting ready to slip under his comforter he had one final thing to do. He sat down in his bed and reached for his pants and pulled out the fabric. He slowly unfolded it, already getting emotional even though he certainly tried not to.

Seeing the locket forced him to close his eyes and mouth in an attempt not to cry, he really didn’t want to. He opened his eyes again… even though he knew he shouldn’t he turned it over. His thumb strokes over the backside, feeling the roughness.

_You are lying to him…_

Jude closes his eyes again, feeling his eyes starting to sting. He tries to think about something else but this time he’s not able to.

_You are lying to him…_

With tears in his eyes Jude quickly puts away the locket in the metal box. He all but runs to the closet and he hides the box in the same place that he always does. He walks back just as fast and throws himself under the comforter. He dries his eyes and forces his mind to ignore every bad and dark thought that goes through it. He thinks of him and Connor and of him and Connor only. Being well trained in deceiving his own mind, he drifts off to sleep with a smile on his lips.

Nothing was to bring him down.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor was searching through his wardrobe. As he always did on the night before he was deciding on what he was going to wear tomorrow. After Jude had left with Adam he had taken a shower. Perhaps he had some kind of private moment in the bathroom while the shower was running and perhaps that moment involved thinking about Ju… his boyfriend. Connor was smiling and even singing along to the song playing out of his phone. Jude was his boyfriend. He shook his head before reaching for a black and red shirt, he snickered over the fact that Jude probably would comment on him wearing plaid once again.

He was startled when he heard a knock on the door, the music had drowned out the sounds of steps coming up the stairs.

“Come in.”

“Hey son…”

Adam had opened the door and his wife was a step behind him as they entered his room.

“Hi sweetie, what are you doing?”

“Hey, I’m just choosing outfit for tomorrow.”

“Outfit?” Adam chuckled. ”When we were young we just put on clothes and that was that.”

“Yeah that makes sense, I’ve seen the photo from when you were young.”

His parents laughed slightly.

“So son… we want to talk to you.”

“Ok… so talk?” Connor decided on his black chino shorts.

Mia and Adam sat down on Connor’s bed, they looked at each other, silently deciding who was going to say what.

“So you and Jude… you’re getting… closer, it seems.”

Connor sat down on his desk chair and tried shrugging casually.

“Yeah… maybe, so what?”

”We like Jude. We both like him, a lot. We understand why you like him.” Connor didn’t like the tone in his father’s voice, it was as if he was apologizing on beforehand for something.

“But…” There it was, Connor knew it.

“But there are some things that we… that worries us.”

Connor folded his arms, his facial expression telling his parents he was not enjoying this conversation.

“Sweetie… how long has Jude lived with… Phil?”

“He moved there when he was nine so… seven years? Why?”

Mia nodded while thinking things over.

“Where did he and his sister live before that?”

Connor alternated looking at his mother and his father. They both had the exact same worried expression.

“He… he told me they moved around from place to place. Why are you asking me this?”

“We… we’re just worried about him son-” Adam said before Mia interrupted him.

“Does he like living there… with Phil?”

 Connor gulped and he put his hands under his thighs to keep them still.

“I… I don’t know… Why?”

The three sat in silence for a moment, finally Mia sighed before speaking.

“I know… I know we’ve never talked about this… openly. We should have done it before, your father and I agree on this.”

Another pause before she continued, clearly gathering strength.

“I’ve learnt a lot from my… sessions. Dr. Garcia taught me to recognize why I sometimes was acting the way I was… he taught me to see for myself how I was behaving.”

Connor wasn’t quite following his mother’s train of thoughts but he let her continue, it seemed important to her.

“Connor… what I’m trying to say is that I recognize when someone is feeling… sad, on the inside. It’s easiest to spot at the moments when they are feeling just the opposite.”

“Like Jude was tonight…” Adam filled in.

“Well of course he is feeling sad sometimes, his parents died when he was five?!”

“Yes we kn-“

“And he’s been bullied if you must know. They’ve done horrible things to him, but I won’t let that happen again!” Connor had raised his voice unknowingly.

“We’re not the enemy here sweetie. We… we’re really happy that you found each other. You are a good friend to him and we’re so proud of you.”

Connor was extremely close to correct her on that Jude wasn’t his friend anymore, he was his boyfriend.

“Son, we just want to make sure he’s alright.”

“He will be.”

Mia bit her lip, she knew that Connor probably were going to have a poor reaction to it but she had to say it.

“Sweetie…  Is he… Sweetie he is so skinny. It’s a common sign when someone is… depressed.”

“He’s not that skinny. He doesn’t look sick or anything.”

“He _is_ thin son, what can he weigh… 110 at best?”

Connor shook his head. He couldn’t believe that apparently his parents had been discussing Jude’s weight.

“Please just… stop. So things haven’t been easy for him but that’s in the past, I’m making sure of that.”

Mia and Adam looked at each other, not sure is they were going to get anything more out of this conversation.

“Are we done?” Connor’s making no secret of him feeling irritated.

“No… we still got one thing to discuss.” Adam said.

“What?”

Mia took a deep breath.

“The locket. Jude’s… locket.”

Connor went stiff. He was taking shallow breaths, waiting for his parents to do the talking.

"You... You recognize it, right?"

Connor didn't say anything at first, he avoided eye-contact while thinking over what to say.

"Yeah... I do... so what?"

Mia hesitated for a few moments before continuing. 

“Connor… why is the back of Jude’s locket scratched out?”

Connor gulped, he didn’t like lying to his parents but now he figured he had a good reason.

“I don’t know.”

Mia and Adam searched his face, he had a blank expression.

Mia contemplated for a while, she just had one more question for her son. One that was relevant to their ongoing conversation.

“Does… does Jude know that you were born here in San Diego?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up: "Chapter 60: A moment of weakness" 
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr


	60. A moment of weakness

_Wednesday morning_

Hannah and Madison are walking towards their regular meet up spot. Madison is complaining about how much she hates her menstrual cramps. Hannah is of course always happy to listen to Madison sharing but something caught her attention.

“Umm…” She slows down and looks further down the road.

Madison is at first a bit offended that Hannah obviously didn’t think that her informative description of her pain was interesting enough to pay attention to when she sees what Hannah sees.

“What is he doing?”

“Umm… I’m not sure.”

”Is he… dancing?” Madison was not sure either.

“Well it’s that or he’s having a seizure… not sure what would bother me the most.”

The girls walk up to him, startling him as his earpods drowned out the sound of their steps.

“Whoa!” Jude takes out his earpods, he’s panting.

“Are you… ok Jude?” Hannah sounds concerned.

“Ye-yeah… god you scared me. You’re early.”

“Yes we had to walk fast as apparently Maddies vagina hurts less that way.” Hannah says in an annoyed tone.

Jude raises his eyebrow.

“Menstrual cramps.” Madison fills in matter-of-factly.

”Ok… thanks for… sharing.” Jude doesn’t sound thankful. For a second he thought about questioning how walking faster helped her but he realized that he really didn’t want to know. At all.

”Well enough of that… what were you doing?”

“Nothing… just listening to music.”

“Jude… were you dancing? You can tell your friend Madison you know.”

“No.” That Jude’s lie was accompanied by burning red cheeks probably didn’t make his case any stronger.

“You are an awesome liar Jude. Really. We are super convinced.” Madison said in a sarcastic tone, causing Hannah to laugh.

Jude didn’t say anything, he looked away but even if he did feel embarrassed he was for some reason still smiling.

“Ok so you are super happy about something…” Madison looked around, making sure that no one else was around.

“Wild guess here, you were with Connor yesterday?”

“Maddie!” Hannah said with a disapproving tone.

“What? It’s no one else here. I know it, you know it and Jude know it. You and Jude knows that I know. I mean… are we just going to pretend that we don’t know about this?”

Hannah had to close her eyes, it was too early for her to process that many ‘knows’, luckily Jude seemed to be awake.

“No… it’s alright. It’s just stupid to pretend.”

“Thank you, Jude.” Madison said and glanced over at Hannah, making a point.

Madison’s changed her expression when she looked back at Jude. Her sassy tone exchanged for a much calmer and kinder one.

“So hey I know I joke around a lot… But just so you know I… I do get how serious this is for you.”

Jude nodded and gave her a shy smile, it was still a very uncomfortable topic for him.

“And just for the record, I think it’s super cute.”

“Maddie…” Hannah didn’t sound impressed.

“I know, I know. Our mutual friend H here thinks it’s… what word was it you used? Yeah that’s right… _disparaging_ to say I think it’s cute.” Madison air quoted disparaging, letting everyone know she wasn’t agreeing with Hannah.

Jude didn’t really know what to say. Hannah had a point but in all fairness Jude gladly took cute over all the derogatory slurs he could imagine some people would have to say about him.

“Well fuck that, I still think it’s super cute.” Madison continued being herlsef.

“Please don’t swear.” Jude retorted and the three of them snickered.

“So… what’s the status? Are you fucking yet?”

“Maddie!” Hannah raised her voice, giving her friend a stern look.

Madison began to laugh before Jude even had time to have a reaction.

“I’m kidding I’m kidding. God the two of you make it too easy for me… you should see your faces.” Madison exhales sounding genuinely happy, still snickering some. Hannah was looking cautiously over at Jude, knowing him all too well.

Jude realized there and then that what he had with Connor was not something he wanted to share. His friends would obviously never understand how holding his hand could be the best thing that he’s ever done in his life.

“We’re just friends…” Jude said in a low voice, not looking at the girls.

Jude started to walk towards Anchor Beach, leaving the girls behind.

“Jude…” Madison tried.

He kept walking.

“Jude, I’m sorry… hey come back!” Madison realized she’d taken it too far with him.

“Don’t… let him go.” Hannah told her, knowing Jude well enough to know he wanted to be alone.

“Fuck… I thought he could take a joke. You know I was just kidding.”

“Idiot. It wasn’t Chris or Jacob or anyone like that you were talking to. It was Jude.”

“Yeah I wasn’t thinking… I’m sorry…”

“Well you better start fucking thinking.”

Madison looked ashamed, just as she was about to make another apology Hannah interrupted her.

“There’s Jashlob. You better think up an explanation that Jude’s not walking with us. A good one.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude was getting closer to Anchor Beach. He had gotten three texts from Madison with different ways of her telling him she was sorry. He wasn’t really angry anymore, perhaps he’d overreacted. A likely scenario was that thinking about Connor made it impossible for him to stay angry.

When his phone buzzed again he picked it up with the intention of texting Madison that they were cool. When he saw that the incoming text was from Connor his body was swept from worries and a huge grin appeared on his face.

“Good morning boyfriend :)”

Jude kept smiling while typing in a reply.

“Good morning boyfriend :) Did you get some sleep?”

“I did :) U think I can C U b4 lunch?”

Jude started typing in a reply but Connor’s next message arrived before he got time to send it.

“Alone ;)”

Jude giggles and looks around even if he knows he’s by himself.

“Dork :) Bathrooms outside the gym 11.15?”

“Its a date!”

Jude snickers and shakes his head. He reminds himself that he has to, once again, make sure that Connor is real when they meet up before lunch time.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor and Mike are sitting at the back of the auditorium listening to a lecture about English literature. Correction. They should be listening to a lecture about English literature.

“Damn man… I really didn’t think anything could be as boring as professor Nielsen’s lecture about the manufacturing of sub-marines…”

Mike whispers as there actually seem to be some students crazy enough to be interested in the ongoing lecture.

Connor snorts, he was not one of them.

“I hear you man…”

Connor had checked out the minute he sat down, thinking about the boy with the brown eyes and hair was a whole lot more interesting for some reason.

“So hey, the party is moved to next coming Saturday… my parent’s trip got delayed.”

“Oh… all right.” In all fairness, Connor had completely forgot about it, having no real intention of going there on his own.

“You’re coming, right?”

Bella, the girl sitting in front of them, leans back and gives them a look that clearly tells them to shut the hell up. Mike mouths a ‘sorry’ and she turns back again.

“Umm… maybe, I don’t know…” Connor whispers back, not wanting to disappoint Mike.

Mike hesitates for a moment before he speaks again.

“You know… you can bring Jude.”

Connor turns towards him. Mike’s tone was a bit too casual for his liking.

“If you want.” Mike even shrugged while he kept looking straight ahead. Super discreet, Mike.

Connor didn’t say anything at first, mostly because he had no idea what to say. After a minute, he figures he at least has be polite about it.

“Who are coming?”

“Some guys from the team and some girls from Vasseda High, friends of David. I think I’ve invited around 20 people… which means we’ll probably end up being like 40.” Mike snickers. A little too loud it seems as Bella once again turned around.

“Shut. The. Fuck. Up.”

Even if both Mike and Connor were big athletic guys they didn’t want to risk their lives as Bella’s gaze made it clear that they were at stake if they didn’t indeed shut the fuck up.

Mike typed in a message on his phone which he showed Connor.

“John/Scott not coming. Plz come. Bring Jude. ;)”

Connor didn’t respond. Mike was a good guy but the way he kept insisting on him bringing Jude made him feel uncomfortable, he had to be more careful… for Jude’s sake.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude made his way to where he and Connor was to meet up. He wasn’t exactly running but he was walking as fast as he could without causing too much suspicion. He was holding his breath hoping that the corridor would be as deserted as it usually was around lunch time.

Even though he should have been very prepared for what he saw he still wasn’t ready. Coming around the corner and seeing Connor leaning against the wall made him stop dead in his track for a second before he was able to continue the walk up to him. _Unreal…_

Connor was wearing his black and red plaid shirt and black chino shorts that he’d picked out the night before. When he saw Jude his face lit up and he took a few steps towards Jude like he couldn’t possibly wait the seconds it would take for Jude to walk up to him.

“Hey…” Jude was grinning, he probably looked like an idiot but he really didn’t care.

“Hey there…” As Connor was looking the exact same way, neither of them could really give the other a hard time over it.

“You look great.” Connor said after he had taken in the sight of Jude. He was wearing the green sweater that Connor just loved on him, he had probably told him that far too many times. Jude was also wearing the skinny jeans that Connor had all but forced upon him when they were at the mall.

“Hey, are you wearing those… for me?” Connor said and made a notion towards Jude’s jeans.

“No.” Jude said quickly.

“Maybe.”

”Yes…” Jude finally admitted, causing the both of them to snicker.

“It’s not that I don’t appreciate it but you really didn’t have to.”

“I know… I just wanted to…” Jude trailed off, smile fading some.

“Hey, you always look good. No, you look amazing. I got the cutest boyfriend in the entire school.”

The word boyfriend did the trick, Jude giggled slightly and his cheek’s turned pink.

“Well I got the hottest boyfriend in the entire world.”

“True… So true.” Connor responded causing Jude to laugh.

Jude looked around, making sure they were alone in the corridor, before slowly reaching for Connor’s hands. Connor takes them without thinking twice, Jude’s fingers are cold and Connor embraces them with his hands.

“God I love it when you wear plaid…” Jude sighs while admiring Connor’s shirt, he’s possibly paying extra attention to the chest area.

Connor chuckles.

“You say I always wear plaid.”

Jude sighs again, even more loudly this time.

“Exactly…”

Connor doesn’t say anything but when Jude looks up and meets his eyes, Connor is looking at him fondly with a close-lipped smile.

“I’ve told you…”

“What?”

Jude blushes and has to look away when Connor smiles at Jude.

“You can’t look at me like that…”

“Can I kiss you then?”

Jude let’s out a small laugh when he’s caught off guard. He looks back up at Connor who still is giving him a warm smile. Jude nods slightly.

“If you must…” He says jokingly.

“I do.” Connor says, not as jokingly.

Connor leans down, he can’t wait another second to taste Jude’s lips. Jude gasps when Connor’s warm lips lands in his own, with closed eyes they gently move their lips as they get lost in the kiss. Jude parts his lips and slowly pushes his tongue past Connor’s lips where it’s met by Connor’s tongue.

Jude can’t help that he still whimpers when they make contact with each other. Even though he’d specifically made a mental note not to whimper, he still did it. Their tongues play with each other for a few seconds before Connor breaks away.

Connor exhales and Jude is taking deep breaths, both of them trying to compose themselves.

“Had to stop to avoid… you know.”

Jude chuckles.

“Yeah, those black shorts probably wouldn’t leave much to the imagination.”

Connor sighs, already missing Jude’s lips.

“I need to start wearing lose fit pants or something…”

 

“Connor, do you even have pants that aren’t tight?”

Connor has to think about it for a moment.

“Umm… you have a point…”  

“For the record, I’m not complaining.” Jude filled in.

Connor laughs slightly, still holding onto Jude’s hands.

“So hey… it sucks that we can’t hang out until Friday.”

“I know but you have practice tonight and tomorrow so… not much to do.”

“I know… but it still sucks. Coach Michaels really wants to us to win on Saturday. You’re coming to the game right?”

Before Jude gets the chance to answer Connor goes on.

“You know what, you don’t have a choice. I demand that my boyfriend is there for moral support.”

Jude laughs when Connor does his best to sound serious, not really succeeding but still.

“Since you asked me so nicely, I’ll be there.”

“Good. And hey another thing… Mike is bugging me about going to his party next weekend.”

“Ok… do you want to go?”

”No, not really, well not by myself anyhow…”

Connor gives Jude a look that Jude has a hard time placing, is he… pouting?

“What?”

“Well… if you want to go, we can go.”

Jude snorts.

“Connor I hate to break it to you but I don’t exactly get invited to Mike’s parties.”

“Umm… this time, you kind of… are.” Connor gauges Jude’s reaction.

“Wh-what do you mean?”

“Well Mike kind of asked me, to bring you…”

Jude has a cautious expression when he asks Connor.

“Connor… he… doesn’t… you haven’t told him have you?”

“What? No. No, of course not.”

“But why…”

Connor sighs, he has to be honest with Jude he just has to.

“Listen I… I’m not sure but I think he might suspect something. I know… trust me I’ve tried to be careful… I know you don’t want anyone to… I’m sorry, Jude.”

Jude looks worried, just as Connor had expected. Jude’s eyes keep zooning out, as if he’s deep in thought.

“Hey listen, I’m not even sure that he even suspects anything… but Mike is… Mike is cool. He wouldn’t tell anyone or anything like that.”

“There’s too many…” Jude keeps shaking his head, still with a worried expression that Connor wanted to kiss away but he knew he couldn’t.

“Too many what?”

Connor doesn’t get an answer as Jude clams up. After a minute, Jude seems to try and shake it off.

“Thanks for telling me, we just have to be… more careful.”

Connor’s stomach clenches but he doesn’t let Jude notice. Connor doesn’t want to hide his feelings but he also knows that Jude is in a very different place than he is.

“Hey there’s another thing… I don’t want to keep anything from you Jude, ok?”

Jude nods, he can’t help feeling even more worried when Connor tightens the grip of his hands.

“Please hear me out before you… react.”

Jude gulps, this can’t be good he figures.

“After the… game. You know when you had that thing afterwards.”

Jude nods again, he remembers the ‘thing’ at the beach. Connor keeps looking him into his eyes, breaking eye-contact not an option.

“I… I really didn’t mean to but I… After the game I walked by the beach… I was going to the parking lot.”

Jude was taking shallow breaths, if Connor wouldn’t have held on to his hands they would probably not be still right now.

“And I, I saw you Jude… on the bench… with that… man.”

Jude broke eye-contact as he looked down to the side.

“I didn’t hear what you talked about or anything. I didn’t you know… eavesdrop.”

Jude did calm down a bit after hearing that his conversation had stayed private, his mind still racing though.

“I just… I wanted to tell you that I saw. I don’t want to keep secrets from you Jude…”

Jude was thinking about calling him out on not telling him sooner but reason did win… he understood why he didn’t tell him right away.

“It’s… it’s ok… wasn’t your fault that you saw…” Jude finally looked up and faced Connor, lowering Connor’s anxiety severely. Having a smart boyfriend had its perks.

“And hey… you don’t have to tell me Jude…”

Jude gave him a slight smile to thank him for it.

“But Jude you… you should know that you could tell me anything. Anything.”

_No…. not that Connor…_

As if Connor had read Jude’s mind he repeated himself.

“Anything.”

Jude gulped, seeing Connor’s warm smile almost made him think that perhaps Connor wouldn’t care… if anyone would stay, it would be Connor. Jude didn’t want to lie to Connor… he really didn’t, but risking to lose him? Jude wished he could take that chance, he really did.

Connor saw the struggle in Jude, it was the first time he had seen what he could only assume was Jude at least… considering it. This was progress if you asked Connor. As he had done many times before, Connor thought about telling Jude. Telling him that he knew and that he really didn’t care but… he wasn’t sure how Jude would react. Jude could have a bad reaction… a very bad one.

Their secret meeting in the deserted hallway had gone from sweet kisses to a much more serious conversation than either of them had planned on. Still, Connor had to try it once again… before Jude would clam up again.

”I… I love you Jude, you know that right? I love you… for who you are.”

 _Stop being so perfect…_ Jude repeated in his head a few times before saying them out loud.

“Stop… being so perfect. I don’t-“ Jude stopped himself as he choke up, not wanting to cry yet again in front of Connor he tried to compose himself.

Connor gave Jude a moment, as he obviously needed it. After a while, Jude untangled his right hand from Connor’s left one and moved it towards Connor’s cheek. The back of Jude’s fingers strokes over his warm cheek’s a few times before he puts it down and once again embraces Connor’s hand.

Jude let out a slight laugh causing Connor to do the same.

“I had to check.” Jude says while looking fondly into the two hazel ones looking right back at him.

Connor smiles even wider and tightens the grip of Jude’s hands, caressing the back of Jude’s hands with his thumbs.

“We should probably try and get some lunch before classes start again…” Jude says, reluctantly.

“Yeah, probably…”

Of course, neither one of them can make themselves stop looking at the other, after a minute their smiles developed into full on grinning without them saying a word.

Connor just couldn’t take his eyes off Jude. His porcelain skin was even more perfect than it usually was, it must have been the lightning or something Connor reasons. His eyes keep exploring every little detail of Jude’s face, the prominent brows, the way his hair is perfectly styled as it always is. Connor’s favorite part, apart from the eyes of course, of Jude’s face is definitely his turned-up shaped nose.

Connor really doesn’t want to leave Jude before saying something… right, something romantic even, because Jude deserves it. He wants to make him understand how perfect he is to Connor. His mind tries to make up a poem but luckily something inside him stops that trainwreck of an idea. He tries to remember some words from the French classes he took in Arizona but he quickly dismisses the idea knowing full-well he really can’t say a single word in French. Connor was getting desperate, they had to get going soon he knew… he tried to remember some romantic line he heard in a movie but looking at Jude while thinking was just… well let’s just say it didn’t work fully well for Connor.

“Connor we really-“ Jude began before Connor blurted out.

“God you are so… cute.” 

 _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._ Connor cursed himself and his inability to say the things he wanted to say to Jude.

Jude giggles, Connor had looked so serious before and while saying it, the words coming out not quite matching Connor’s serious expression.

“No… I didn’t mean that…” Connor stopped talking for a moment. He made another try.

“Well yeah I meant it, but I…”

Jude understood. He knew about Connor's problems expressing himself with words, but he really didn’t need to. The way Connor looked at him said it all, Connor was an open book and the things Jude read from him was almost too much for Jude to handle.

Connor finally sighs in defeat, for once Connor is the one breaking eye-contact by looking down, before at long last speaking a complete sentence.

“I just want you to know how much I like you.”

Jude has to shake his head. He didn’t know if he’d ever really would fully understand that this could be happening. Connor Stevens, Mr. Almost-to-handsome-to-even-look-at, standing in front of him saying things like that.

“I know Connor… I honestly don’t know why you do it… but I… know.” Jude had to tell him, he could tell it was important to Connor. Seeing Connor’s smile returning as he looked back up, Jude knew that he had succeeded.

“A kiss before we go?” Connor was full-on pouting, Jude snickered at the sight.

Jude didn’t say anything, he answered by going up on tiptoe so that Connor for once didn’t have to lean down towards him. Connor meet his lips when they were just a few inches apart. It was an innocent close-lipped kiss but it still warmed up Jude’s entire body. Connor noticed Jude starting to smile while they were kissing, causing Connor to do the same. When Jude broke the kiss and receded from him, Connor already missed the proximity.

Jude exhaled, still affected by having Connor’s lips on his only a few seconds ago. After a few moments he’s able to speak again.

“Ok we should go now before it gets too suspicious. We’ll text?”

“Yeah of course. We’ll text.”

“Ok bye, _boyfriend_.” Jude giggles as he puts emphasize on the word he just can’t get enough of saying out loud.

“Bye, _boyfriend._ ” Connor returns the favor while he’s watching Jude walking down the hallway.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude was almost at home. He had walked home alone, telling Hannah that he needed the time to think, which actually was the truth. At lunch he’d made up with Madison again. She was feeling bad about earlier this morning, he could tell.

Jude did have a lot to think about. A lot of things did… worry him. What worried him the most was the feeling of not being in control… too many persons seemed to suspect or know about him and Connor. There was Hannah whom he trusted completely. There was also Chris and Madison… Jude didn’t think they would say anything but he wasn’t as sure as he was about Hannah. Mike, if he knew, scared him the most. Jude didn’t know him at all and even if Mike had never been mean to him, he had from time-to-time hung out with John and Scott.

Jude's mind flashed him pictures from his conversation on the beach. Him, being told to walk away. Walk away and survive or stay and risk… everything. Jude’s stomach clenched over the realization which choice he had chosen without needing much time to think it over. The man, who knew what conversation Jude eventually would have to have with Connor had told him… had advised him to walk away.

Jude started thinking about Connor and it instantly put a slight smile on his face. Jude could even swear that the Californian weather suddenly felt warmer when he started to think about his own private sun.

Could he tell Connor… He imagined that he could tell Connor anything, anything, and he would just respond by smiling and telling Jude it was alright. Anything… anything but that. What if he would stay? If he would stay, Jude’s life would be complete. Nothing else would matter, he would deal with Phil, Callie, John, Scott or anything else standing in their way.

But… but what if Connor wouldn’t stay? Jude shrugs, a shiver runs through him. His mind carries on.

Two times. Two times it has been… close. Two times he’s been standing at the overpass looking down towards the railroad tracks running beneath. Both times he had made up his mind, never once had he re-considered it during the 30 minute walk it took him to get there. The only thing going through his head was the conviction he had… He was never ever going to let _him_ do those things to him again, he wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of breaking him down yet again.

Jude wasn’t religious… if anything the idea of an almighty God disgusted him. Anyone allowing the things he’d been through to happen to him wasn’t worthy of worship. No he wasn’t religious but… he couldn’t explain why he’d finally stepped down from the ledge on both occasions. Something, someone, had been there… Telling him to go on, to survive.

Jude shrugged it off, he really didn’t believe in those things. Still… something had happened, something he couldn’t explain. To make sense of it all, he usually tells himself that it was just some survival instinct in him, his mind simply telling him what he needed to hear to step down and survive.

But the thing was… if Connor wouldn’t stay he would-.

Jude cleared his head, he snorted at his own thoughts. He couldn’t be so pathetic to consider ending his life over a broken heart, after all he’d been through, surely he could handle that. However, without Connor Jude knew that if he for some reason would find himself walking the distance a third time… it would be the last.

Jude tried to shrug it off, thinking happier thoughts seemed like a good idea.

The change inside Jude became evident the moment he started thinking about him and Connor. The warmth that had disappeared while having the darker thoughts returned to him. He thought about their touches, god he could still remember the extreme heat from Connor’s shoulder when he had touched him when they sat by the lake.

Jude thought about the times their lips had met, that first time after the Halloween party still made him feel lightheaded. Mostly, Jude thought about what he liked most about Connor… how kind-hearted he was. He put other people’s feelings ahead of his own and he just wanted everyone to be happy. Jude couldn’t think of another word to describe him than perfect… for Jude he was.

Jude found himself laughing thinking about earlier today. When Connor had looked at him with that serious expression, Jude could tell that Connor wanted to say something romantic. All his dork of a boyfriend was able to say was “God you are so cute.”

Jude was still snickering and grinning when he realized something. His face dropped in an instant when he looked down and saw that he was standing on a familiar lawn. He looked up, and sure enough Phil’s car was standing on the driveway. A moment of weakness, he had let down his guard. He had been standing in front of his house, laughing.

In panic he searches the windows. After a few breathless moments his body relaxes some, no sight of Phil. He curses himself, knowing what kind of signs Phil is constantly looking for he should know better.

Jude takes a deep breath and puts on a neutral expression, he walks up the porch and enters the house.

Upstairs, a curtain closes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up: "Chapter 61: Belly of the beast"
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr
> 
> Hey you amazing, beautiful, wonderful and purely awesome readers and supporters, as we're getting nearer to the end I ask of you to refrain from sharing your theories in the comments. I would love to hear about them in private though.
> 
> For the last time I want to remind you of the notes at the beginning of chapter 1.


	61. Belly of the beast

_Thursday evening_

”Just got home. Exhausted. Michaels is crazy. Miss you :(”

Jude smiles reading the text while lying in his bed. School had been uneventful and without Connor to lighten it up it had been extra dull.

“Naw my poor soccer superstar. Miss you too :(“

“Gonna hit the shower, text l8r.”

“Wait! Picture please.”

“Huh? Im all sweaty, u can get 1 after?”

Jude bites his lip and smiles before sending his following text.

“Please?”

After a minute Jude receives a picture message. Connor is standing in his bathroom, shirtless and with his hair still covered in sweat. The picture cropped just beneath Connor’s chest, showing his pecs. Probably totally unintentionally by Connor… yeah.

”Satisfied?”

Jude shakes his head, sighs and thanks all existing and non-existing gods for creating Connor and for being alive.

”Yes. That one will do the job.”

“LOL! Text l8r.”

Jude keeps his smile on his face. He looks at the picture of his boyfriend. After a minute he kisses the picture on his phone before he puts it down on his chest.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_Friday_

Jude was happy. Jude was really happy. He was finally going to spend some time with Connor, Connor’s intense training schedule had made spending time impossible both on Wednesday and on Thursday evening. Jude had told Phil he was going to Hannah’s after school and Hannah was informed and she would cover for him if needed.

Time wasn’t moving quickly enough sitting in final period. Up until now it had been bearable, he had done an unhealthy amount of math problems, even for Jude that is.

As the bell rung Jude practically ran out the door. Hannah catches a glimpse of him running over the school yard towards his bike. She smiles. Even though she still loves him, she couldn’t be happier seeing him like that. If Connor makes him that happy, there’s where he should be.

Before Jude puts on his helmet he texts Connor that he’s on his way. Connor is already waiting for him at home since he’d only had one class after lunch.

“Gr8! Cant w8 2 kiss U =)”

Jude blushes reading the text that Connor sent back within 10 seconds. He shakes his head and jumps on his bike smiling wide. Jude rides his bike as fast as he can towards the Stevens’s, never once noticing the car following him. The car, that usually is parked on the driveway to his house.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude rings the doorbell. He’s getting impatient as it takes Adam around 10 seconds to open the door. About 9.9 seconds longer than Jude would have liked.

“Hi Adam!” Jude is beaming.

“Hi Jude, welcome.” Seeing Jude’s grin as he strides past Adam makes the older man smile just as wide. He chuckles.

“Studying upstairs?”

“Yupp. Studying upstairs.” Jude tears open his shoelaces and all but throws his shoes off.

“I could have guessed. You tell us if you need-“

Adam realizes Jude has already gone up the stairs and is inside Connor’s room.

“… anything.” Adam chuckles once again and joins his wife in the living room.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude closes the door to Connor’s room. Connor stands up from his bed, their smiles makes talking obsolete. 

They both take a few steps towards each other before they meet. Connor puts his hands on Jude’s cheeks, leans down and kisses him passionately. Jude puts his hands on Connor’s chest, for support, that’s his story and he’s sticking to it.

Connor freezes for a split second, it’s not that he minds but both he and Jude are aware of that it’s the first time that Jude has touched anything of his other than his face and hands since the lake. When Jude’s only response is to kiss Connor back, his body relaxes again. Connor deepens the kiss while holding onto Jude’s face with his hands, he lets his fingers spread out to touch Jude’s ears and some strands of his hair.

Jude feels warm all over, heath radiates from Connor’s chest and from his hands. Connor’s tongue massaging his own is most likely not cooling him down either. Connor is the first to break away, he usually is. It’s not that he wants to but he keeps forgetting to breath while kissing Jude.

“Wow…”

Jude pants, not ready to speak just yet. The kiss being the most passionate one they’ve shared.

“I love your tongue…” Connor says, earning a shy smile from Jude.

“I love yours.”

“And I love you.” Connor says and plants another kiss on Jude’s lips.

Jude looks Connor deep in the eyes, he wants him to really understand this.

“I-I love you too Connor... I can’t stop thinking about you.”

Connor shuts his lips. He’s certainly not getting emotional… no not one bit.

Jude snickers slightly.

“It’s annoying really. You and math problems start to like… co-exist. Is that weird? It’s probably weird.”

Connor laughs.

“I’ve missed you…”

Jude sighs. He can’t even remember how his life was like when his walls were up, it’s like he doesn’t even remember those days anymore and he’s sure it was not many week ago.

After a few, okay many, kisses they finally sit down on Connor’s bed. Connor not letting go of Jude’s hand for a single second.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

They alternate between talking about the school week and stealing kisses from each other. Jude doesn’t have a care in the world, he’s been thinking about this for days. However, Connor is more and more getting to the conclusion that he has to tell Jude what he knows about him. He understands why Jude isn’t telling him. Nothing would make him happier than if Jude would trust him enough to tell him, but Connor gets it.

The thing that’s starting to swing Connor over is that he’s come to the realization that this must be so hard for Jude. Connor doesn’t want him to go around with this… burden all by himself. He doesn’t really know how to start but he tries anyway.

“Hey… I got something to tell you… something I don’t think I’ve told you.” Connor knows he hasn’t told him, but better to act casual he reckons.

“Okay… Is it something… bad?” Jude picked up on Connor’s tone, even if he tried to act casual about it.

“No… no not really.”

Connor takes a minute, thinking over how to put it.

“I… I was born here in San Diego.”

Jude looks surprised.

“Umm… what? But you told me you grew up in Arizona?”

“Yeah… yeah I did. But I was born here.”

Jude squints his eyes to indicate him not understanding.

“My mom… Umm… they were in California while she was pregnant visiting some friends and my mom… she went into premature labor.”

“Oh… ok. So she gave birth here in San Diego?”

“Yeah… yeah. I was a month early. They had to stay with me here for almost two months before they could get back to Arizona.”

“I bet you couldn’t be still even when in Mia’s womb, that’s why you had to get out, couldn’t wait to start running and jumping and getting amazing at soccer.” Jude jokes earning a smile from Connor.

 After a few moments of silence Jude says.

“Thanks for telling me. It’s pretty cool you were in San Diego before I was.”

“Yeah… yeah…” Not so surprisingly the conversation hadn’t moved towards what Connor had wanted to tell him. Best to just say it, Connor figures.

He looks at Jude, ready to gauge his reaction.

“So… I was born at Mary Birch…”

Jude’s face reacts with a smile.

“Oh that’s so cool, so was I!”

 _Yeah… I know_ …

Connor hesitates. He gets lost in Jude’s eyes, the spark being there takes his breath away.

Adam’s voice cuts through the temporary silence.

“Boys! If Jude is to make his curfew, he should start going soon!”

_You got to be kidding me…_

In all honesty, Connor is equal parts relieved and frustrated over Adam’s timing that more than once has been… sub-optimal.

Jude’s smile fades some but it’s still there.

“So… I have to go. Thank you for… this. Everything.”

Connor returns the smile and steals a kiss from Jude when he’s unprepared. Connor looks at his cheek’s and… yes there it is, they turn pink.

“You love that don’t you?”

“What?” Connor acts innocent, like he has no idea what Jude is talking about.

“You know what. Making me… red. Making me look like an idiot.”

Connor snickers.

“I love kissing you, that’s all I’m admitting to.”

They stand up and walks towards the door hand-in-hand. Before they open it to go downstairs Connor stops.

“Just one more, please?”

Jude rolls his eyes as he pretends to be extremely bothered by Connor’s request.

“Fine…” He says jokingly.

Connor leans down, before their lips make contact Connor rubs his nose against Jude, earning a giggle from the shorter boy. While Jude is still giggling, Connor closes the gap effectively turning them into soft moans instead.

When they break away, Connor thinks about kissing Jude’s nose. He’s thought about it so many times but for some reason he doesn’t do it.

If Connor would have known how their lives would change when Jude left the Stevens’s, he would never have hesitated.

Sadly, he didn’t know.

The last words they spoke to each other that night were.

“See you tomorrow at the game, _boyfriend_.”

“See you tomorrow, _boyfriend_. Remember what I said, if you don’t make a goal we’re over.”

They both laugh. Connor watches as Jude vanishes from out of sight.

Of course neither one of them knew then that Jude would never make it to Connor’s game.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude walks up the driveway. If his mind hadn’t been pre-occupied with thinking about Connor, perhaps he would have seen the smoke coming out of the chimney.

Jude opens and closes the outer door behind him. If he’d been a little more attentive perhaps he would have noticed the temperature inside being higher than it usually was.

Unfortunately, Jude didn’t pay attention to anything as the first thing he did was going up the stairs to his room. The house was quiet but Jude had no interest whatsoever to find out what Phil was doing. He puts down his backpack but not before taking out his Chemistry books. He sits down by his desk, planning on completing the assignment that was due on Wednesday.

His phone buzzes at the moment he sits down in his chair. Jude sighs, gets up and walks to the nightstand where he left his phone to read the text.

He picks it up and reads the two words. Two words that make his breathing slow down.

“Come downstairs.”

Jude gulps, feeling his stomach clench, a knot building up from nowhere.

Jude tries to rationalize his thoughts. He hadn’t done anything, nothing was broken, he hadn’t been late or anything like that. No, Phil hadn’t noticed. Phil didn’t know anything. Jude had acted being miserable to perfection, it wasn’t even that hard around Phil anyways.

Still, Jude’s taking shallow breaths when he opens his door. He slowly walks down the stairs. He flinches when he hears Phil’s voice from the living room, it’s eerily calm.

“In here.”

Jude takes a much needed moment. When he reaches the bottom of the stairs he glances towards the outer door. Afterwards, everything seems to get blurry. He feels like he's not getting enough oxygen.

Jude closes his eyes, he’s already trembling. He tries to get his breathing under control, perhaps he’s wrong. It could mean nothing.

“Jude. Come here.” Phil’s voice forcing his eyes open, he turns towards the living room and slowly makes his way over there.

Just before he enters the living room, he takes a glance back at the door. It’s still locked.

Locked with a chain that Jude doesn’t have the key to.

A deep breath and he takes the final steps to enter the spacious room. Jude’s heart stops when he sees it. He sees it even before he looks at Phil. The fireplace… the fireplace is lit. Jude bites his lower lip but it’s futile, he’s still trembling. He bites it harder. It doesn’t help, not even when Jude can taste blood.

Phil is sitting in the armchair by the fireplace, he’s turned towards Jude.

Phil has a blank expression that’s turned into a slight smile when he sees the evident fear in Jude’s eyes. The grey in his hair gets highlighted by the fire and so does his brown sweater that’s not big enough to completely cover his round belly.

Jude tastes salt. A tear had made its way down to his lips without him even knowing. His body seemed already be preparing itself for what’s to come.

Phil doesn’t say anything. Jude wouldn’t expect him to, he knows that Phil enjoys these moments. He enjoys looking at Jude shaking in fear. Hurting him without even doing anything. Yes, Phil loves these moments… Jude knows all too well.

Jude closes his eyes and keeps his head down, he does his best not to cry and he manages to only sniffle. The only thing heard are the odd sparks coming from the fireplace.

_Why… what have I done… he can’t know… I’ve been so careful…_

After a few minutes, Phil breaks the silence.

“So Jude… You haven’t been honest with me.”

Hearing the voice startles Jude, he was trying to zone out without succeeding. Jude press his lips together and inhales through his nose while he's starting to weep. He can hear it in Phil’s voice.

“I think you’ve told him…”

Jude shakes his head violently while still looking down.

“No... No…” Jude keeps repeating while whimpering. He knows it doesn’t matter what he says but he still has to.

“I’ve told you… No one can know. That has always been our deal…”

“I-I-I haven’t…” Jude’s lips and eyes are shut closed with such force they almost hurt.

“Oh, but I think you have…” Phil’s voice calm, he sounds satisfied.

Deep down, Jude knows it isn’t even about that, it’s never been.

Phil has somehow seen the change in Jude. Jude has hoped… dreamed, wished, that these days were over. The days when Phil would rob him of everything, whenever there was something there to take.

Phil must have noticed that he had been happy. There was something there for him to tear down, something to take. The beast had only laid dormant, waiting until there was something to tear down.

Jude wishes that Phil would settle for a few broken ribs, but he knows it won’t satisfy his needs. The fireplace, his tone and body language says it all, it won’t be sufficient.

Foolishly, Jude’s eyes flicker towards the windows and the door that leads to the backside. Of course they are locked, they always are. If it’s mostly for Jude not to get out or for someone else not to come in doesn’t really matter. From experience he knows that if he tries to run, it will get ten times worse.

“You have seemed happy Jude… these last couple of weeks… are you… happy, Jude?”

Phil’s voice cuts through him, it physically hurt and he whimpers. Jude shakes his head, while hanging his head down.

“No… No I’m not.” There’s still some hope in Jude that Phil will settle with scaring him, if he truly believes that Jude is miserable… he just might…

“Are you sure about that?” Jude can hear it in his voice, Phil is smiling… smiling that ugly ugly smile.

“Yes…” Jude nods his head. His words are not strong enough to be heard clearly. Jude still cannot look at anything or he will probably break down. With eyes shut and his small frame trembling, his foster dad continues.

“Why not?”

”I-I… I do-don’t deserve it.” Jude’s voice cracks and he choke up, saying the words that are expected from him. Words, that he’s learned to believe in.

”You don’t?”

Jude forces down saliva mixed with blood coming from his own lip.

“No…”

Jude can hear that Phil refrains from snickering. All he can concentrate on right now is answering the questions and wishing that it will be over soon.

“Why… why don’t you deserve it?”

Jude can feel new tears forming, surprisingly he’s still in some sort of control, he hasn’t blacked out yet.

“I’m… disgusting…” Jude whispers as loud as he can, a whisper all he can muster.

“What was that?” He had heard him, but he always wanted to hear it again.

Jude takes a breath. He parts his lips but they are shaking too much for him to speak. He needs to close them again. He takes another breath and speaks as clearly as he can.

“Be-because I-I’m disgusting.”

There it is, the content exhale mixed with a small laugh coming out of Phil. Jude hates many things about Phil but that sound is one of the things he hates the most.

Phil doesn’t say anything for a minute, enough time for Jude to get his breathing under control. Everything is still kind of blurry and in a daze, his mind is doing what it can to get him through this.

“Yes Jude… I agree. You are _disgusting_.” Phil speaks the last word with such resentment that Jude flinches. This isn’t over.

Jude’s eyeballs are starting to hurt badly, he’s been pressing them shut for a long time and with great force.

The last hope that Jude still has disappears when Phil speaks again.

“Let’s see just how disgusting you are. Take it off, take off your shirt.”

Jude whimpers and foolishly he protests.

“No… no please... Not th-that.”

He is crying.. even though he knows that’s what Phil wants he does it anyway. Phil had been right. Jude had been built up. He had even started to dream about a future, a bright future, with Connor.

_Idiot…_

The feeling of once again having nothing, when he had had something, was not something he could handle.

“Take it off.” Phil orders in a harsh tone.

Jude’s entire jaw is shaking as he opens his eyes. Even though the living room’s dimly lit, his eyes need a few seconds to adjust. He feels tears running down his cheeks, they feel warm… like when Connor’s hands had been on them, but the similarities ends there.

Jude slowly moves his hands to the top button, his fingers fumbles some because they are shaking but after a few moments he manages to unbutton it. As the first button exposes his throat, he whimpers again.

“Please…”

Jude begs, Phil’s response comes without hesitation.

“I’m not telling you again.”

Jude continues to unbutton his shirt. He struggles as his fingers are still shaking along with the rest of his body.

When the last button pops open Jude drops his arms. Everything feels surreal, it’s been so long since Phil had felt the need to do this. Jude would take a million broken bones over this. His mind is already taking him to dark places, flashing images of the train tracks, his parents grave, Callie closing a door.

“Take it off… I want to see.”

Phil’s voice less calm, more hesitant. Jude wants to throw up, bile building up in his stomach. With unsteady hands Jude slips his white shirt off his right shoulder, exposing more of his chest. He stops himself for a moment, he’s shaking too much and he can’t hold back his sobs.

He battles in his head. He wants to escape to a happier place but he really doesn’t want to think about Connor… What’s happening is not something he wants to connect with Connor in any way.

“Continue…” Phil’s voice is content, Jude glances up and as he already knew Phil had that smile on his face that Jude had learned to fear and hate.

Jude takes as deep of a breath as he can and lets his shirt fall to the floor, exposing his entire torso. Something in Jude breaks and he starts heaving, he closes his eyes but tears are still streaming down. He knows what he looks like. It had taken him a long time for him to be able to look at himself, especially after…

Phil laughs… The worst part is that Jude hears it’s not a laugh forced on in some way to humiliate him further. No, it’s Phil’s genuine laugh, as if he couldn’t repress it even if he was trying.

_Please make it stop please make it stop please make it stop…_

Jude repeats in his head while trying to escape in it, he feels like he’s losing his mind.

“Oh god Jude…” Phil exhales after his laughter has subsided some.

“That makes me so happy to see Jude. Now I know… I know that even after you turn 18 and move out of here – yes I know you’re waiting for that… I know. Even after… and all your life, you will always be remembered of me, every time you look in the mirror… there’s me.”

Jude knows he can’t let his words get to him, that’s what he wants. Jude has learned to ignore him as much as possible, he’s mastered it. Words, he had been able to handle for years, otherwise he wouldn’t still be around. However, Phil knows how to break him… he hasn’t even started yet, Jude knows.

“Touch it.”

By instinct, Jude shakes his head and whimpers “Please no…”

“Touch it, or I’ll do it for you.” Jude tries to compose himself, it’s futile of course but he has to at least try.

He puts his middle and index finger on his belly button, slowly he moves up his scarred stomach towards his chest. Phil probably doesn’t know how often he does this on his own, to process it all.

“Does it hurt?”

“Yes…” It really didn’t, not physically, but he knows what the correct answer is.

Phil snickers, clearly satisfied with the answer.

“You remember why I had to do it right?”

Jude nods. Talking was much harder.

“And why was that?”

“Be-be-because I deserved it.” His voice is thick, hoarse from crying.

“That’s right… I just tried to make it better but you were too weak, weren’t you?”

Jude nods again, he bites his lip so hard it immediately cracks. Good, he needed to feel that pain to take his mind from everything else.

“Weren’t you?!” Phil shouts, his aggression startling Jude.

“Ye-yes…”

“God you’re so ugly… Look at you.”

Phil is sounding more aggressive, contempt taking over his voice. Jude is doing his best to stay passive, somehow still clinging on to some foolish hope that this will be over soon.

Phil is looking at him. Jude can tell even though he’s not looking directly at him. They stay in silence for a few minutes. Jude, shirtless and trembling, constantly trying to get his crying under control. With his shirt on he could probably do it, but without it… it’s so much harder.

Jude has no idea… it’s about to get much much worse.

“Take off your pants…”

Jude can’t control his body anymore, the panic attack imminent. Jude is used to crying, sometimes it feels good to cry. This was not one of those times. The tears functioning as an outlet doesn’t seem to be enough, they stream down his cheeks but it does nothing to take away any pain.

Jude can’t speak, not even to protest. Even though he knows it’s pointless he still wants to protest vocally but he can’t.

Jude looks up at Phil and the look that he gives him nearly makes gasp. Phil is not giving him a choice, if he doesn’t obey there will be dire consequences.

Jude’s hands move on their own, he can’t remember telling them to move towards his pants… how could he. It takes more than a few moments for his fingers to unbutton his jeans. He stops for a second, the fury returns to Phil’s eyes and Jude’s hands move on their own again unzipping them and pulling them down to his ankles.

He is torn between existing in some kind of dream world where nothing is real and his body acts on its own and between the harsh reality that Phil forces him back into. A few times a shadow of Connor starts to embody itself into his mind but every time Jude forcefully pushes it away. Connor is not to be here. Connor is not to see this.

As he is standing in front of Phil, only dressed in his white boxer shorts, his arms are drawn towards his upper body, covering up his disfigured torso. Jude looks around the room, searching for something to hurt himself with so that he might pass out.

Phil’s voice sounds again.

“Take it… take it all off.”

He can taste salt on his lips so he’s probably still crying, he looks down and notices his thin legs are shaking violently, the kneecaps keep hitting against each other.

Jude escapes. His mind leaves his body behind as his underwear comes off.

Phil stands up from his armchair.

“This is for your own good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up: "Chapter 62: Eclipse"
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr


	62. Eclipse

Jude slowly opens his eyes. The room is completely dark. He takes a shallow breath and he whimpers from the pain.

Pain is the only thing filling his head. He lies on his stomach as lying on his back is impossible. His eyes are adjusting some to the darkness in the room. He lies on his bed and he notices that the blinds are shut.

He can’t remember how he got here. He becomes aware that he lies naked on top of the comforter. He tries to move but he has to stop immediately. The sharp pain coming from his back bring tears to his eyes. He can feel the thick dried tears on his cheeks but he doesn’t have the energy to clean his face off. He takes another shallow breath and passes out.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor is pacing nervously on the sidelines, constantly looking towards the bleachers. No sign of Jude. The game is about to start and he’s not here. He should be here by now.

_Perhaps his bike got a flat tire or something…_

“Stevens!”

Connor looks over at coach Michaels.

“What’s wrong with you? Get your head in the game. Get out there!”

Connor realizes that he’s the only one not on the field and the others are waiting for him. He takes a final look and meets Hannah’s eyes. She shrugs at him, indicating she doesn’t know where he is either.

He takes another look at his cell, still no answer from Jude despite that Connor had sent him at least five messages.

“Connor, come on!”

Mike’s voice brings him back into reality, he tosses his phone on top of his bag and walks out on the field.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The sound of a car engine starting brings Jude back to consciousness. He recognizes the sound of his foster dad’s car as it drives away from the house. The blinds in Jude’s room are effective, he has no idea what time it is, he can’t tell if it’s night or day outside.

He lets his eyes adjust to the darkness, from where he lies he sees that his phone is still on the night stand where he left it before… He picks it up, he has a lot of notifications that he doesn't have the energy to process. His latest one catches his attention, it's a text message from Phil saying "Will be back Monday." If Jude's mind and body didn't already hate Phil as much as they could he would probably had thrown his phone against the wall or something. How dared he...

Now, all he felt was emptiness. Afraid of passing out again Jude reaches towards the nightstand and pulls out the drawer. He takes his morphine painkillers that are hidden in the box to his old phone. He swallows three of them.

Jude closes his eyes again, his body heaving as he starts crying from out of nowhere as a memory of last night flashes by. The small movements caused by him crying reminds him of the pain coming from his back.

He lies on top of his bed and concentrates on breathing. Somewhere at the back of his head he acknowledges that he has in fact managed to turn off his emotions. He doesn’t feel anything but the physical pain from his back and he knows that’s nothing, nothing, compared to what he will feel when he allows his heart to start beating again.

He tries to move. He stops and whimpers from the pain. He takes a deep breath and forces himself up on his knees and hands. He has to close his eyes and stay still for a full minute before he can even start to try and get off his bed. He manages to make himself sit down on the edge of his bed, he glances towards his phone as it lights up the room indicating an incoming message.

Jude knows better than to check it, he can’t allow himself to think about anyone or anything rather than the pain and to just breath.

After a few more minutes Jude tries to stand up, after struggling for a while he’s successful. On shaky legs he starts to walk towards his door, bathroom being the destination. He looks back at his bed. His white comforter has dark stains on it, he can tell even in the darkness. He closes his eyes, he suddenly gets a strong urge to hold his locket but he pushes it aside. His mother is not to see him like this, ever.

One step at a time Jude makes his way towards the bathroom. He needs to stop to catch his breath several times before he reaches it. He opens the door and turns on the light, immediately he dims the lights down so his eyes won’t hurt too much.

He avoids looking in the mirror as he makes his way towards the shower cube. When he reaches it he opens the doors and sits down inside, wrapping his arms around his legs that are pushed against his chest. He is out of energy and takes deep long breaths not to pass out. He reaches up and carefully turns on the shower. He straightens out one leg at a time, letting water fall on them. He uses both hands to clean them from dried blood.

The white plastic floor on the shower cube quickly turns maroon when the water washes away the blood revealing the pale skin underneath.

Once again Jude becomes aware that his feelings are turned off. He pushes it aside and starts rubbing his skin with his hands with great force. When it’s not enough he pushes his nails into the skin, making him gasp and for a moment he tricks his mind into concentrating on the pain.

He sits on the floor for a while, he doesn’t know how long he manages to avoid thinking of reality but he figures it’s for quite some time… years of practice comes to use.

After a while, the inevitable starts to happen.

Images of hazel eyes starts to appear. Jude whimpers and pushes them aside, incredible pain shooting from his chest.

He looks at his own hand, it gets warm as it remembers being embraced by-. Jude closes his eyes and shakes his head but he can’t hinder a few tears escaping.

He’s losing control and he feels desperate.

He takes a breath and tries to calm himself but doing so only lets his mind by taken over completely by the one thing he’s trying to avoid.

The dimly lit room he’s sitting in is ignored as light fills his mind, the pictured sun is warming up his entire body and Connor fully embodies and he’s smiling that warm and breathtaking smile at Jude. The image of Connor tells him that he loves him.

Jude snaps out of it, his heart feels like it’s exploding and not in the good way. He finds himself panting. Anxiety like he never has felt before fills him and he needs a way out, now.

He desperately turns on the water all the way. He leans forward and let the water hit his back.

Jude screams from the pain and within soon everything turns black.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“Hey Connor, you alright?”

“Umm… what? Yeah… yeah I’m alright. Sorry.”

Chris sits down beside him. They are the only ones currently in the locker room as the others are in the shower or have already changed.

“You sure? You seem… out of it.”

“Just a lot on my mind… don’t worry about.”

Chris looks at him for a moment, not sure if he should let it go or not.

“Alright… hey good game though.”

“Yeah… good game.”

Connor had managed to focus on the game while playing and had been performing ok. Not as good as the opening game of the season but it wasn’t really needed. Connor’s team had won 5-0 and Connor had scored twice.  

He took up his phone and stared at the messages he had sent Jude without getting a single response. He remembers the last time he had started to freak about when Jude didn’t answer and that had turned out to be nothing. 16 calls in 30 minutes according to Jude… no Connor didn’t want to repeat that awkwardness but still… he worried.

Custom demanded that the team were to celebrate their win together and as team captain Connor didn’t have a choice but to attend. Best put on the best poker face possible he figures as he walks towards the shower.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude wakes up. He is lying on his side, still in the shower and the water is still running. The water being cold is the first thing he notices. The pain from his back the second thing. He groans while sitting up again and he turns the water off.

He shivers while slowly standing up. He is freezing and he grabs a towel as fast as he can and covers himself in it. He walks back into his room. He needs more morphine so he once again takes three pills from out of his drawer, the pain from his back excruciating. He removes his blood stained comforter and lies down on his side. After a few moments the pain forces him to turn and lie on his stomach which soothes the pain some.

Every once in a while a text comes through. Jude assumes that most of them are from Connor, wondering where he is. His chest clenches from just thinking about his name.

How can he… tell Connor…

Jude starts weeping, his chest burns. It’s a strange feeling, having absolutely no energy but having his body and mind racing. He feels like he’s constantly about to faint, he’s dizzy but it hurts… it hurts so badly. How can he…? Tears are running freely as memories from last night starts to play out in Jude’s mind.

_If you ever see him again, I’ll make him just as disgusting as you are!_

Jude can barely breath, he pants for air and puts his hands under his stomach in some foolish attempt to make the lump hurt less. His chest constricts but the thing that stands out in the chaos is that burning sensation, his chest marking the epicenter.

He cries and cries again, after a few moments he hears that his phone is ringing. He has no idea how long it’s been doing that. He reaches out his hand to his nightstand and turns his phone towards him.

It’s Connor.

Ignoring the call proves harder to him than he would have wanted. All he wants is to hear Connor’s voice telling him everything’s going to be all right. However, Jude know that is very far from the truth. After a minute, the call goes to voice mail. Jude’s chest clenches when his phone buzzes, indicating that Connor left a voice message. A message Jude knows he’ll never be able to listen to.

Even though it hurts, and it hurts more than anything has ever done before Jude knows that he doesn’t have much time. He needs to act fast and he has no clue whatsoever how to do this.

Jude closes his eyes and tears run down his cheeks when Jude thinks about all the terrible things that Phil told him that he would do to Connor if he saw them together again. Jude would never in a million years risk that turning into reality. No, not Connor… He would without a doubt re-live every abusive moment with Phil over having Connor experiencing a single one of them.

From the way that Phil had acted and from what he said he’s pretty sure that Phil doesn’t even know about them. He just thought they had become close friends which had made Jude happy. No doubt this scared him to think that Jude would tell Connor of everything that has happened in this house. If… if Phil knew they were boyfriends, Jude has not a doubt that his life would have been ended.

Connor should… no Connor need to get away from him, it’s the only way.

Jude need to stay focused, Connor isn’t going to just accept him ignoring him for long. Time is an important factor and Jude need to figure out how to…

Jude breaks down from his already shattered state. He cries uncontrollable ignoring the pain from his back when his body shakes violently. He can’t do it. He can’t do it, but somehow he has to.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Another call not answered by Jude. Connor is getting more and more worried. No one has heard from him all day. He was supposed to be at Connor’s game and that was six hours ago.

When Connor had asked Jude’s friends they didn’t seemed too worried about it. The only one having some kind of reaction was Hannah, Connor had a hard time placing it but he could tell there was something bothering Hannah.

Connor was taken back to the present. The team were at the same restaurant as they were when they won their previous game. As team captain he had given the victory speech congratulating them all on a game well played. He tried to act casual about all of it but someone had picked up on it.

“Hey man, what’s up?” Mike leaned over, not whispering but he was talking in a low voice.

“Umm… I’m just tired. Tough game you know?”

Mike shrugged and laughed slightly.

”Not really. Seen you run twice as much without breaking a sweat.”

“It’s just… it’s been an intense week that’s all.”

Mike kept looking him in his eyes for a few moments before looking back at his plate.

“Alright… if you say so man.”

A lot of things ran through Connor’s mind. This… thing with Jude, it had happened so fast. One thing scaring Connor was that despite that he was so sure over how he felt. Was he sure how Jude felt? Did Jude think it had happened too fast? Connor found himself thinking about the times that he had told Jude that he loved him without Jude saying it back. Deep down he should know better, Jude had told him with his actions and one thing that Connor was a firm believer in was that actions speak louder than words.

Connor’s mind raced towards that perhaps Jude had gotten scared. He knew that Jude was terrified about people knowing about them, what if he didn’t think it was worth it anymore? If Connor had more experience being with someone he loved, perhaps he would have been self-aware about how needy he was by nature. _God Jude why can’t you pick up…_

Of course Mike couldn’t have known just how bad timing he had when he spoke.

“So, are you and Jude coming to the party?”

Connor was taken from his irrational thoughts.

“What?”

“You and Jude, you’re coming to the party right?” Mike repeated himself.

Mike could see it in Connor’s eyes. He had said something he shouldn’t had but it was too late.

“Just shut the fuck up.”

“Wh-.”

“I don’t know what you’re getting at but just fucking stop.”

Mike looked like a big questioning mark when Connor got up from his seat and walked out of the restaurant. He looked around, luckily enough no one else from the team seemed to have picked up on Connor storming off.

Connor kept pacing outside the restaurant. His mind painting up several scenarios, one more unlikely than the other. He tried calling Jude again. He could feel his eyes stinging. Something was wrong and he needed his boyfriend. He needed to hear that he was alright.

No answer.

Connor leaned against a nearby railing. There was no one around, the beach was nearby and he could hear the waves hit against a rock formation. He closed his eyes and exhaled while trying to gather his thoughts.

After a few minutes Connor realized he wasn’t alone. He glanced towards his side and Mike was leaning towards the same railing in complete silence.

At first Connor got irritated, he wanted to be alone but there was something about Mike’s… He didn’t really know but Mike seemed troubled.

After the two of them had stood there for a few more minutes, doing nothing but looking out towards the ocean, Mike spoke in a low voice.

“So hey… I got something to tell you, yeah?”

“Yeah...?”

“Yeah…” Mike took a moment before he continued.

“So I haven’t told anyone this before but I… I don’t live with my parents anymore.”

Connor looked over at him with a confused expression. Mike was keeping his gaze down, still leaning on the railing using his arms.

“But the party…?”

“I still have a key… plan is to wreck the whole fucking house.” Mike chuckles without a trace of happiness on his face.

“I live with my grandparents. I moved there about six months ago.”

Connor is still looking at Mike who’s not looking back at him. Connor had never seen Mike with such a serious expression before.

“I… I had a brother.” Mike’s voice crack and from where Connor stands he can see Mike’s eyes getting watery.

 _Had?_ Connor wants to ask but Mike starts talking again before he gets to speak.

“He was one year older than me… just about to turn 17.” Mike is clearly emotional, he chokes up and needs a moment between every sentence. Connor listens.

“This all happened before you moved here. Before summer.”

“And Peter was… Peter was…” Mike’s voice cracks again and he chokes up.

“Fuck…” Mike dries his eyes from the tears building up.

Connor takes a step closer and puts his hand on Mike’s shoulder squeezing it as some kind of lame attempt to comfort him.

Mike takes deep breaths before finally being able to continue.

“So… about seven months ago… I got home from school and I met Peter in the hallway. He was crying and he ran past me, out of our house... out of my… If I had…” Mike choke up again. He shakes his head, trying once again to compose himself.

“My parents told me that Peter wasn’t going to come back home. I remember that I laughed at them, as it was such a ridiculous thing to say. Later that night Peter still wasn’t home so I asked them about it and they just said that he wasn’t coming back. I asked them why but they didn’t say. I tried calling him but they had taken his phone.”

Mike talked fast and Connor had to concentrate to follow him.

“This was a… Friday… and on Sunday…”

Mike leaned down his head, he was crying. Connor didn’t really know what to do so he just squeezed his shoulder again.

“And on Sunday the police came and…” Another pause.

“And he was dead. Peter was dead.”

“Oh my god…” Connor spoke for the first time for a long time.

“Wh-… what happened?”

“They... they didn't tell me… it was crazy no one said anything. I can’t really remember everything from those days… it was like a very bad dream.”

Connor felt awful, he wishes he knew what to say but he really didn’t.

“But then… then I found his letter. He had put it where only I could find it.”

Mike took long deep breaths.

“He… he killed himself.”

Connor had to cover his mouth with his hand, feeling shocked.

“Our parents had kicked him out. They told him never to return and if they saw him again they would… So… he… He had told them he was gay and they kicked him out. And he killed himself.”

Connor stayed silent and in shock when Mike was pouring his heart out.

“And in his letter… he told me the one thing he regretted was not telling me. Be-… because he… he needed someone to talk to. That had been the worst part, not having anyone to talk to…”

“Thing was Connor… Peter was my best friend... He was my best friend and he never told me.”

Mike started crying again, he turned towards Connor and before he knew it Mike was crying on his shoulder. Connor, being emotional himself from worrying about him and Jude, had a hard time holding back his own tears.

They stay like that for a minute before Mike takes a step back.

“Hey I’m sorry that I… about… Jude and stuff. And I could be wrong… but I don’t think I am.”

Connor gulped but he didn’t say a word. Mike looked at him and a slight smile appeared.

“Man you even look like him…”

Mike shook his head, getting back to his serious expression.

“Damn man… sorry for this… I didn’t plan to. I… I just want you to know that you can talk to me… about anything.”

After hearing Mike crying and opening up Connor was about to thank him for everything when his phone buzzed.

He picked it up.

“It’s from Jude.” He says out loud, smiling.

That was before reading the text message.

Afterwards, it would be Connor’s turn to cry his heart out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up: "Chapter 63: The voice of reason"
> 
> This update took longer than usual because of real-life. Hopefully I'll avoid that kind of silliness for the rest of the week as I plan to post three more chapters before the mini hiatus next week.
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr


	63. The voice of reason

”Connor?”

Mike witness as Connor’s facial expression changes drastically. He starts out smiling, saying he got a text from Jude. After reading the text his face first looked confused, then scared, then a flash of sadness before going blank.

Connor stared into nothingness for a few moments, Mike began to worry.

“Connor?”

He didn’t respond. He took up his phone and read the message once again. Connor didn’t blink once and as Mike looked at his blank face tears started to run down his cheeks.

Connor put away his phone into his pocket. He crouched down and covered his face with both of hands. He started to wobble back and forward on his feet from his crouched position. Still silent.

“Connor…? You’re scaring me, talk to me?”

Mike watches as Connor starts hyper-ventilating while covering his face. Mike has no idea what to do, when he crouches besides him, Connor starts wailing into his hands and his body is shaking.

Mike is freaking out. Connor is acting like he is breaking down right on front of his eyes, Mike had never seen anything like this before. For a second it reminded him of his own reaction to Peter’s death, the complete breakdown without any possibility of holding back.

Even though he’s covering his mouth with two hands, Connor’s cries are still heard loudly. The sounds coming out of him is almost breaking Mike’s heart right there on the spot.

After a few minutes of Connor crying nonstop Mike figures he has to do something. He tried copying what Connor did to him, putting a hand on his shoulder in order to comfort him. The moment his hand makes contact Connor shrugs violently and jumps up to a standing position.

Mike gets a glimpse of Connor’s face. His eyes and cheeks are red and puffy. Mike doesn’t think he’s ever seen a face as covered in tears as Connor’s is.

“I-I-I need to go…” Connor seems to be speaking to himself mostly, turning around and walking in a fast pace away from Mike and the restaurant.

Mike takes a few steps after Connor and shouts after him.

“What should I tell the guys?!”

Connor doesn’t answer him and Mike watches as Connor starts jogging before full on running away from him.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“Jude?”

No response. The brown eyes look dead as they stare into the wall opposite of his bed. The man gulps, Jude’s reactions always hard to interpret. After all of their talks, he still hadn’t learned how to read him. There was so much sadness inside, that was easy to tell.

Sometimes he wondered if his self-appointed mission of keeping him alive had been cruel from the start. The years they had known each other hadn’t been worth living for Jude, he knew this. He had never had to face this… problem before. Jude being in love… with a boy. No he hadn’t seen that coming, truth be told.

Seeing Jude, completely shut down, he knew that he had underestimated how big of a problem this was. He tries to remember if it was like this when he was younger. He remembers his first love, sure it was strong and painful but… no… it was probably not like this. He tries to make sense of it,

“Jude… this… this had to be done.”

Still no response. The brown eyes are barely blinking while looking past him.

“I know it fee-.” He stops talking at once when Jude interrupts him with a small voice.

“He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me…”

The man has to once again force down the saliva building up, Jude was not telling lies. Jude keeps looking straight ahead, blank expression, the only thing giving away his state of mind is the tone of his voice. It’s… cold, detached… not Jude.

“He’s the best person I’ve ever met. No one has been kinder to me and…” Jude choke up before he forces the words through. “And now he is crying… because of what I just said to him.”

When Jude seems to be finished talking, the man speaks again.

“I know it hurts now Jude, but it had to be done.”

Jude stays passive, numb. He reaches over to his night stand and opens the drawer. He takes two pills and swallows them.

The man looks at him cautiously.

“What did you take?”

Jude shrugs before telling a lie.

”Just some painkillers, I have a headache.”

“What kind of painkillers?”

“The usual kind… Vicodin.”

Jude can feel his eyes on him. Before Jude got the time to react the man had opened his drawer and took out the small plastic bottle containing his pills.

“I knew it. That’s why you’ve been so apathetic.”

Jude looks down into the floor.

“How did you get these? These are prescription ones.”

Jude doesn’t say anything. He keeps looking down.

”Why do you have these?” The man’s tone forces Jude to answer, he can hear the genuine concern and Jude doesn’t want to hurt anyone else.

“I need them…” Jude whispers.

The man’s chest clenches, he needs a moment before he can continue.

“Why Jude? Why would you need these?”

“Some-… sometimes I just need them.”

The man sighs.

“This is… methadone… These have morphine in them. How… how many have you taken?”

 _Eight_.

“Just the two I took now.”

“I don’t believe you.” He responds immediately. Jude stays passive.

“When you called me you were desperately crying and you were almost screaming, and now… now you are completely turned off.

Jude finally looks up and meets his eyes.

“I’m sorry… I… I just needed them.”

“I’m keeping these.” The man said and held up the bottle.

“What? No, you can’t. I need them!” Jude tried to sound as desperate as possible. If he didn’t, he might have figured out that Jude had more hidden away in his room.

The man shakes his head, telling Jude that he won’t yield.

“Hey… next year in May you turn 18. It’s not long Jude, then you can get out of here and you can start living your life… as you.”

Jude nods.

“Do you… do you want me to stay here tonight?”

“No… no I’ll be alright.”

Jude didn’t want anyone around when the morphine stopped having its effect. He wasn’t planning on taking any more pills as he felt lightheaded as it was.

“Thank you, for coming… and for helping me with… Connor.”

He didn’t mean it. Well in some way he meant it, he had needed his help and he did come over without hesitating.

The man got up and walked over to the door to Jude’s room, he turned back.

“This was for the best Jude… You deserve so much more and better but this is all we can do for now. It will be alright.”

Jude nods again in his direction. He doesn’t believe it to be true but no reason to argue, no good will come out of it.

When Jude hears him close the outer door he groans and lies down on his stomach. The pain from his back, despite the painkillers, had been difficult to hide but somehow he had managed to.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Like had happened many times before, he worried about Jude. The small boy with the huge brown eyes had been a soft spot for almost three years now. He shrugs thinking about what probably would have happened if they never-

“It’s you.”

He’s taken from his thoughts. He hadn’t left Jude’s house a minute ago before being startled by an unfamiliar voice up ahead.

“It was you, wasn’t it? You convinced him to do it.”

The older man looked up and his eyes were met by a young athletic built man. The young man, or perhaps boy was more appropriate, looked like a mess. He had clearly been crying, most likely up until recently.

“Who? Who are you?”

“Who are YOU?! What ki-kind of games are you playing? Why don’t you leave him alone?”

With that, it dawned upon him who the boy in front on him was.

“Oh… you are Connor…”

Connor bit his lip and sniffled. His emotions were in turmoil, seeing the older man standing in front of him made him feel anger like never before.

“Who the fuck are you?”

“I’m… I’m a friend to Jude.”

Connor snorts, he’s shaking.

“A friend? Would a friend make him say those… those awful things to someone he loves?”

“Con-.”

“Because he loves me. I know he does. Did you think you could fool me that easily?”

The man took a minute, thinking over how to best handle this situation. Connor was upset and upset teenagers can act irrational, this he knew. The goal was however simple, get Jude and Connor away from each other, for both of their sakes.

“From what I’ve heard from Jude… yes.”

Connor flinches, his face must have frowned but he has a hard time concentrating on anything in specific. His emotions simply aren’t cooperating.

“You know how smart Jude is, yes?”

Connor nods. It feels cold, so cold. Probably because he left his varsity jacket in the restaurant before running towards Jude’s house.

The man hesitates for a moment. This would not be his proudest moment. Using the insecurities of a 16-year old against himself was not something he’d seen himself ever doing.

“And Jude tells me that you aren’t.”

A lump building up in Connor’s stomach. His thoughts running wild. _Jude wouldn’t say that._ His eyes keep darting towards different points on the ground.

“You don’t think that Jude could make you believe that he loves you, if he wanted to?”

“Stop talking.” Connor is rubbing his face with both his arms, trying to think, trying not to break down from all of this.

“For what it’s worth Connor, Jude is sorry. Everything happened too fast and it got out of control. He didn’t want to keep lying to you.”

He sure didn’t like doing this, using everything Jude had told him about Connor against him. From what Jude had told him, this kid standing in front of him was even a good guy. However, he had to make it sound convincing.

“You are lying… He loves me…” Connor whimpers, not sounding as convinced anymore.

“He… he thought you were attractive. But really Connor… and I’m sorry for this but do you see Jude loving some unintelligent jock?”

“Stop talking…”

“You were just a convenient substitute. Apparently he likes someone called… Mike? But when he wasn’t interested, you were available.”

As said before, not his proudest moment.

Connor starts crying. How could the scrawny man standing in front of him know about this if Jude hadn’t told him.

“Don’t make this harder than it has to be Connor. If you really love Jude, you have to let this go.”

The man took a sigh of relief when Connor covered his face with one hand and turned around and started walking, walking away from Jude’s house. Disaster avoided.

Connor couldn’t think a single thought clearly, everything was in a daze. His chest hurt, his stomach hurt and his throat was sore. He needed to get away from this, he needed to think. _Why would Jude do this?_ He took up his phone and read Jude’s text message one last time. When he got to the end of it he was crying so much that it clouded his vision. He deleted the text and called Adam.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude woke up Sunday morning from the pain coming from his backside. The morphine must have started to wear off. He was lying on his stomach with only a towel covering him. He had turned his phone off and taken enough pills so that he finally passed out.

Now, the pain was back. He only felt it for a few seconds as the memories from last night started coming back. When he started to think of the moment that he sent Connor the text message, he suddenly found himself starting to outright scream.

This was the start of Jude’s first panic attack that day. If it was the first of many or if the first one lasted the whole day mattered little. When the day was over he had never left his bed, his pillows were drenched with tears and saliva. A lot of times he had just cried with his mouth open.

He had severe anxiety and muscle spasms all through the day, something that hadn’t happened for a long time. His sheet was ripped apart in several places as he had hold onto it until his knuckles turned white. The only positive thing about not having any control of his body was that he wasn’t able to get to any pills.

He wanted nothing but Connor to be there. He was the only one that could make all of this go away. It would be so easy. Jude was even starting to get so desperate that he would tell Connor everything, everything. It was the only chance he saw for them, he kept dreaming that Connor would be fine with everything and they could just run away from all of this together.

However, the voice of reason would always return. Connor would not be fine with everything, it was impossible. If he told him and Connor would walk away… he really didn’t think that he would survive that. He had made a promise, to the man he owed so much to. He had to… stay alive, for him.

Breaking that promise was not an option and Connor was not to be hurt… those two things were essential for Jude. He saw no other option then to continue down the road he started with last night’s text message.

These moments of clarity always ended when he came to this conclusion, the panic attacks taking over again and again.

Late at night, when his body gave out and he passed out from exhaustion and probably from not having eaten anything, it had been the worst day of his life.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_Sunday, Stevens residence_

“It doesn’t make any sense.”

“I know… I agree, but you know how teenage crushes can be…”

Mia tried to comfort Adam who was far from alright. She did think that her husband was overly invested in their son’s relationship but she couldn’t really consider it a character flaw.

“But you’ve seen them together? It’s not just some teenage crush. Jude loves Connor, I am sure of it.”

“What did he say that Jude had told him?”

“I… I’m not sure, he was crying so much that I couldn’t really tell.”

Adam sighs deeply.

“He did say that Jude didn’t want to see him anymore… that it was over.”

Adam and Mia looked at each other as they heard Connor’s violent sobs coming from upstairs.

“I don’t know what to do… I can’t stand listening to him anymore.” Adam looked desperate.

“I know… We need some groceries, perhaps leaving the house is good for you.” Mia said while drying a tear from Adam’s face. _Overinvested…_

When Adam left, Mia tried doing some housework. She managed to for about ten minutes. Connor didn’t seem to run out of tears anytime soon and her heart couldn’t take it anymore.

She knocked on his door. She did wait a few moments before she opened it despite not getting a response from inside.

The room was dark and Connor was lying in his bed crying into his pillow. The sight hard to take in. It wasn't that Connor never had cried before or anything like that but she had never seen or heard him cry like _that_.

“Sweetie…” She said while pulling up his desk chair next to his bed.

“Sweetie you need to eat something. It’s 5 pm and you haven’t eaten anything.”

Looking over at the glass of water on his nightstand that she put there a few hours ago, she wasn’t sure he had drunk anything either.

“So… soccer practice starts in two hours.”

Connor threw his head up from the pillow and glared at her.

“So… I… I let coach Michaels know you’re not feeling well.” It wasn’t up for discussion, that much was clear from the way Connor looked at her.

When it became obvious that Connor didn’t want her there she left him alone in his room. Mr. and Mrs. Stevens had no choice but to listen to their son continuing to cry his heart out for the rest of the day.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_Monday, Anchor Beach_

Madison and Hannah walked out of second period which they had shared with Jude. He had ran out of the classroom when the ball rung. They were worried about their friend.

“What’s wrong with Jude?”

“I don’t know… but it’s not good.”

“No shit? He hasn’t said a word all day. He barely reacts when someone talks to him.”

“You notice he goes to the bathroom all the time? You know what he does in there right?”

“Yes…” Hannah had no problem seeing his red and puffy eyes.

“Have you tried talking to him?”

Hannah looked at Madison like she was an idiot, which she kind of was.

“What do you think? Of course I have but he doesn’t say anything. He just shakes his head and continues to look like a zombie.”

“You think it’s… about Connor?”

Hannah snorts.

“I _know_ it’s about Connor. I mentioned his name and his reaction was… not good.”

Madison is about to respond when something catches her eye. She puts her hand on Hannah’s arm to slow her down.

“Umm… speak of the devil…”

“Oh my god…” Hannah stops and look at the boy formerly known as Connor.

“He looks…”

“Like shit.” Madison fills in.

Connor walks slowly down the hallway with his head hanging low. He avoids all kind of eye contact while making his way to class. He didn’t want to be at Anchor Beach at all but his parents had not given him a choice.

“Should we like… say hello?” Madison whispers to Hannah as Connor is getting closer.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea… it doesn’t look like he wants to talk to anyone…”

Connor passes them and they can’t help staring at him.

“Wow… I didn’t think that he could look not hot… but he… he sure succeeded today.”

“He looks like a bum.”

Connor continues his walk towards his classroom. He’s the first one to get there and he sits at the back, eyes down. He tries not to think too much but he finds it difficult, his head constantly reminding him of why he can’t feel his heart beat anymore.

Someone sits down beside him, he throws a glance to his left and see that it’s Mike. He doesn’t say anything and neither does Connor. As the classroom is starting to fill up with students Connor understands that Mike has read his body language correctly. He silently thanked him for it.

When 15 minutes remains until class is over Mike puts a note in front of him. Connor reads it without touching it.

_“Let me know if I can do anything. Hard to see you like this.”_

Connor looks over at Mike and he’s met by a very concerned face, Mike looks… scared. Remembering their talk from outside the restaurant, how affected Mike still was from his brother’s suicide he had to make an effort. He doesn’t trust that he can use his voice so he takes up his phone and sends him a text.

_“I’ll b alright. Dont worry”_

Connor didn’t believe it himself but in no way would he accept Mike feeling worried about him and what he would do to himself, he could never be so selfish.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The rest of the school day went by. Connor avoided the cafeteria during lunch, he could not risk seeing Jude as that would without a doubt break him down. He avoided thinking as much as he could, focusing on getting through the day and nothing else.

When the final bell rung he all but ran out. He jogged over the school yard to avoid talking to anyone. He was relieved to see that his mother was already waiting for him, of course he noticed her worried expression but he just couldn’t deal with that now.

He opened the car door and sat down in the passenger seat. Mia tried a few times to get a word out of him before she finally gave up.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude found himself being at home in his room. He looked around. He can’t remember how he got home. _Did I have a concussion or something?_ It was as if he woke up from a dream state, he looked at the time. 7 pm.

Small fragments from the school day started to pop up in his head. He remembers walking to school… vaguely. He had had… math, he thinks. He had been to the bathroom many times. He remembers tears but nothing else. He hadn’t eaten, he wasn’t sure for how long. He could… sense that he needed energy but he wasn’t hungry.

_Is Phil at home?_

_No, he can’t be._

Jude goes downstairs and is relieved to find out that in fact Phil isn’t at home. He doesn’t want to think about what would have happened if he had forgot to make him dinner.

Jude takes a bite from an apple. He wants to spit it out as his stomach turns but he acknowledges that he needs the energy to keep doing anything at all. He continues to try and gather bits and pieces from earlier that day.

Jude feels scared. This was something new to him and the feeling of not knowing what he has done makes him feel uneasy. Finally, he remembers enough of the day to calm him down a bit. He can’t remember any major disasters. He realizes that his mind had had to come up with a new copying mechanism, blacking everything out to get him through the day.

He drinks a glass of water and goes back upstairs. He lies down on his stomach, his back still hurts too much. When he doesn’t have enough energy to block every emotion out he cracks and he cries himself to sleep.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude doesn’t go to school the following day. He tried to get out of his bed several times but he didn’t have enough energy to do so. He turned on his phone and sent a text to Lena calling in sick. He had done so once before and Lena trusted that if Jude didn’t want to go to school there was a good reason for it.

Jude made sure that the text got delivered before turning off his phone again without reading any messages.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor repeats his procedure from Monday. The only way he communicates with others is by nodding, shaking his head or shrugging. This day he found it harder to keep from thinking about Jude and everything that was going on. He spent a lot of time on the bathroom with the water tap turned on in order to drown out the sound of his sobs.

Clueless to the fact that Jude wasn’t even in school he avoided the cafeteria, instead eating his lunch sitting down on the floor in the hallway outside a classroom.

The hallway is empty and Connor is almost finished with his sandwich when he hears footsteps approaching him.

Connor looks up to see Mike waving awkwardly at him. Mike sits down beside him. They sit together for a few minutes in silence when Mike speaks.

“So… how long until you start talking to me?”

Naturally, Connor doesn’t say anything.

After a minute, Mike tries again.

“Were you and Jude boyfriends or not?”

That got Connor’s attention. He looks over at Mike, showing him a face mixed with anger and surprise.

“It’s not that hard to figure out Connor…” Mike had enough, Connor needed to open up and Mike was sick of this charade. He knew what it had done to his brother and he would not have Connor go through anything like he did.

“You got a text from Jude, which by the way made you smile for the first time that day. You got a text… you read it, and ever since you’ve been…” Mike gestures towards him. “Like this.”

Connor looked down towards his fiddling hands. Silence once again fills the hallway. Mike is about to give up when he hears his friend’s voice for the first time in several days.

“We were...”

“Yeah…?”

“Yeah.”

Mike was happy to just hear Connor’s voice again, he had spent the entire previous night thinking about ways to help Connor out.

“And now… you’re not?”

Connor sniffles and a tear appears from out of nowhere. He can’t make himself speak so he just shakes his head.

“You love him?”

Connor closes his eyes and takes shallow breaths.

“Ok that was a stupid question, I _know_ you love him. I’ve known for months Connor. I’ve seen the way you look at him… how you look at each other.”

“Stop… Please.”

Mike does as he’s told, at least for a while. When Connor seems to have his emotions in check Mike snaps his fingers in front of Connor.

Connor does indeed snap out of it. He can’t explain it but somehow he… wakes up.

Mike continues.

“So go get him?”

“What?” Connor frowns before going on.

“No, he doesn’t want me…”

Mike snorts.

“And you’re giving up just like that?”

Connor looks over at him. He can actually feel it, the way his brain starts booting up after being dormant since Jude’s last text.

Connor half listens to Mike telling him how to win Jude back but he’s mostly occupied with trying to make sense of it all. What had happened and how could he fix this? Why did Jude say those things? What had happened? Him... giving Jude up?

Connor finds himself snickering.

“What?” Mike asks, clearly surprised over Connor’s sudden action.

“No… I’m not giving up just like that.”

Mike smiles at the words coming from his friend.

“That’s the Connor I know from the soccer field.”

Connor looks like he’s deep in thought. When Mike is about to speak Connor’s eyes goes wide. Connor looks over at him and speaks with a steady voice.

“Mike… that day at the beach?”

 “Umm… which day?”

“When we saw Jude… with that man. You said you thought you’d seen the man before?”

“Yeah… sorry that I can’t rememb-“

Connor interrupts him.

“Mike. When John and Scott tore Jude’s pants off. You said a man swam out and rescued him and then he covered him in a towel… Was that the same man Jude talked to when we saw them?”

Mike needed only a second to think about it.

“Yes! Yes, that’s where I recognized him from. It’s him, I’m sure of it.”

Connor stood up immediately and started jogging down the hallway.

Mike frowned, not sure what just had happened. He shouted after Connor.

“Connor! Hey, Connor! What does it mean!?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up: "Chapter 64: Connor Michael Stevens"
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr


	64. Connor Michael Stevens

Connor went straight to the cafeteria, hoping that he would catch Jude there before lunch time was over. It all made sense now, how didn’t he see it before? Well ok not everything made sense but at least he thought he understood why Jude had acted the way he did. He needed to tell Jude what he should have told him a long time ago.

That weird man and Jude shared his secret and they had obviously come to the conclusion that Connor couldn’t handle it. Connor needed to fix this, nothing had ever felt more important to him.

He made his way into the cafeteria and walked over towards the table where Jude and his friends always sat. From a distance he saw Chris, Jacob, Ashley, Hannah and Madison… but no Jude. His seat was empty. Connor slowed down, not sure how he should proceed. It’s not like he had given it much thought, he just needed to see Jude that was all he could think about.

Before Connor had the time to decide what to do, Hannah had noticed him staring towards their table. When their eyes met Connor made his way over to her. She looked very uncomfortable but he didn’t care, not this time.

“Hey guys…” Connor said to the rest sitting at the table before turning to Hannah.

“Where is he?”

“Connor I don’t think-“

“Please Hannah. I need to talk to him.”

Hannah looked around, their conversation had of course gotten the attention from the rest. She bit her lip before standing up.

“Come.”

Madison was the only one remaining at the table that didn't look puzzled, to say the least.

“Tutoring business…” She said while smiling awkwardly at the others, more hoping than believing that they would buy it.

When Hannah and Connor had found some privacy their conversation continued.

“I need to talk to him.”

“I don’t think he wants to talk to you.”

“You don’t understand Hannah, I need to-“ Connor pleaded with desperate eyes.

“You need to talk to him. I get it. Well he’s not here so…”

“What do you mean, where is he?”

“He… he didn’t come to school today.”

Connor didn’t like hearing that one bit, Hannah must have noticed.

“Listen Connor… I don’t know what happened but if he doesn’t want to talk to you-“

Connor interrupts her.

“I have to make this right Hannah. I… I miss him.”

Hannah bit her lip as she could tell that Connor meant it wholeheartedly. She gave him a slight smile, trying to comfort him in some way.

“Tell him… tell him I’m not giving up on him… on us.”

Hannah was about to tell him that talking to Jude wasn’t that easy nowadays but Connor had already left the cafeteria. She had seen the way his eyes had started to water, he probably didn’t want her to see him cry.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor is sitting in his room. He hasn’t even cried since he came home from school. Now, he got a mission. He needed to talk to Jude, if that didn’t succeed he would… No Connor didn’t even want to think about that. He needed to talk to Jude, he’ll deal with everything else afterwards.

He tried Jude’s phone for the… truth be told Connor had lost count. Just like all the other times it went straight to voice mail, his phone was still turned off.

He looked at messages sent, he wanted to send him another one but his message history made it clear that Jude would have no problems understanding what Connor wanted.

He called him again, just in case. Still turned off. Connor stood up and started pacing in his room, trying to make sense of his thoughts. There were still so many things that he didn’t understand. Why had Jude acted the way he’d acted all of the sudden? When he had left Connor’s house everything was great and the next day he had sent him that… Connor shrugged, not thinking about that message probably a good idea.

What had changed? Had he done something that scared Jude away? Had he said something _bad_ without knowing so?

His thoughts were driving him crazy. He needed to get out.

He rushed down the stairs and were putting on his jacket and shoes when his parents joined him in the hallway.

“Where are you going son?”

“Out… I… need to.”

Mia and Adam looked at each other, deciding without talking what to tell their son.

“Ok… but take your phone with you and don’t stay out too late.”

“Ok.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

Adam smiled slightly and nodded. Connor left their house. Adam and Mia once again looked at each other, this time cautiously optimistic over the fact that Connor at least wasn’t crying nonstop anymore.

Connor got on his bike. He tried to fool himself that he just needed to think, that he didn’t really have a destination.

Surprise surprise, within half an hour he found himself a block away from Jude’s house. As he had gotten closer the urge to knock on Jude’s door and force him to talk to him had gotten stronger. He parked his bike a few houses away and started to walk on the sidewalk on the opposite side from where Jude’s house was.

He stopped by a tree while standing right in front of Jude’s house. He thought long and hard about crossing the street and knock on the door. He need to talk to Jude, every cell in his body screams for it. The driveway is empty, indicating that Phil isn’t at home which is a must if Connor is ever going to go through with his planned action.

He takes a deep breath, just as he’s about to cross the street the sound of an approaching car makes him take a step back again.

Connor freezes when he sees the familiar car that Phil always drives. Connor hides in the shadows as he leans against the tree while Phil steps out of his car. Connor is absolute quiet. In fact, he’s barely breathing. Like always every gut feeling in Connor tells him something is very wrong with this man… Jude should never be in there, with him. Phil goes to the trunk of the car and takes out two big plastic bags.  

When Phil starts to walk up the porch Connor’s phone goes off. In the corner of his eye he sees that Phil turns around, in panic Connor hides behind the tree and desperately tries to turn off the sound coming from his phone as quickly as possible.

He takes shallow breaths, not another sound is heard. After a few moments he can hear Phil’s voice, it’s close-by.

“Hello? Anyone out there?”

Connor closes his eyes and holds his breath. Something inside him tells him it’s crucial that he remains hidden. Connor carefully unlocks his phone and turns it off, not risking it going off again as even the sound of it vibrating could give him away.

After what feels like an eternity, Connor finally hears Phil’s footsteps going away from him. Connor doesn’t dare to take a breath before he hears the sound of the outer door opening and closing.

_That was too close, what the fuck are you doing here Connor!?_

Connor makes his way back to his bike while staying in the shadows, not taking any chances.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_Anchor Beach, Thursday_

Connor felt like he started to lose his mind. He hadn’t been to any soccer practices and he hadn’t even thought about opening any school books. All he could think about was Jude, sweet perfect beautiful Jude. There he goes again.

He had to talk to him. If Jude afterwards still didn’t want to have anything to do with him then… Connor shakes his head, he honestly doesn’t know if he would be able to cope with that, best not to think about it.

Of course he’d tried to call Jude numerous times. When the longing had become unbearable he had sent him more text messages, he always regretted it as he found himself pathetic doing so. Jude must have gotten 30 text from him, if Jude read the messages he would already know how Connor was feeling.

Connor’s had two periods before lunch and it felt like time was truly going backwards. Connor groaned when he looked at his phone for the third time noticing that not a single minute had passed.

When the bell finally rung Connor had almost given up. Even though he couldn’t wait for the slim chance of seeing Jude he was already so nervous that it affected his breathing. In order to push through it he kept telling himself that Jude probably wasn’t going to be in school today either.

He entered the cafeteria and his eyes were instantly drawn towards _his_ table. Connor’s face fell when he realized that Jude wasn’t sitting there today either, just his five friends. With his head hanging down he took a solitary seat and tried to eat as much of his sandwich as possible. Connor rubbed his forehead with the palms of his hands, he didn’t know how much more of this he could take. He had to see him… he just had to.

When the sandwich was half-eaten Connor walked out of the cafeteria avoiding eye contact as he tried to think of ways to contact Jude. He threw away the left-overs and put away his tray. On his way to his following class he was almost hit by a door to one of the bathrooms that was opened. Connor murmured an apology for not looking where he was going when the corner of his eye saw who came out of there.

It was Jude.

Connor froze in his spot as he turned around with wide eyes. Jude was holding a tray in his hands when his eyes goes to Connor’s. When Jude realizes who’s standing in front of him he drops his tray and moves his hands so that they cover his nose and mouth. The tray smashes to the ground, Jude looks away and Connor can hear him hyper-ventilating.

When Jude starts walking away from him, Connor breaks his silence caused by the shock.

“Please let me talk to you, Jude!”

Jude’s body is shaking and even from behind Connor sees that he’s crying into his hands. Connor walks after him.

“Jude please stop, I need to talk to you, please!”

He continues walking away from Connor and with perfect or awful timing, depending on who you ask, Jude’s five friends come walking from the cafeteria.

Jude hides behind the quintet. They all look confused but Jacob and Ashley looks completely bewildered.

“Jude, please.” Connor tries one more time, face pleading and on the verge of tears.

Hannah and Chris takes a step forward when Connor tries to pass them.

“Hey Connor, he doesn’t want to talk to you.” Chris puts up his hand to signal Connor to stop.

“You don’t understand I nee-“

“Connor, stop. See what you’re doing to him.” Hannah stands in front of him, she talks calmly but with a steady voice.

Connor looks over her shoulder and sees Jude crying uncontrollable into his hands, he looks inconsolable. Seeing Jude like that breaks his heart and he covers his mouth with his left hand while taking deep breaths through his nose.

Connor looks at Jude one last time before turning around and walking away in a fast pace. It doesn’t take many seconds before he can’t fight the tears any longer.

Connor picks up his phone, he’s not in a state to do much thinking but he feels like he has to talk to someone. He can’t do this himself anymore.

“Hey man!”

“Mike… where are you?”

Mike can clearly hear that Connor is in a fragile state, he sounds broken. Mike takes a few steps away from the other students.

“Umm… I’m outside chemistry class. You ok?”

”No… I’m not…”

Mike doesn’t need to think anything over.

“Meet me outside the main entrance, let’s get out of here.”

“But you got class…”

“Fuck it. See you there.”

Mike hangs up.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor is lying on Mike’s couch. He covers his eyes with his arm feeling drained of energy. Mike comes back into his room and puts down a glass of water on the table in front of Connor.

“Thanks…” Connor sits up and takes the glass.

Mike gives Connor a minute before he speaks.

“So… confronting him in school Connor… perhaps not my first suggestion.”

Connor snorts at himself.

“I had no choice man… his phone is turned off.”

“Tried to… you know, go to where he lives?”

“Yupp, tried it. It’s… his foster dad. He’s kinda… weird.”

”Ok, and he doesn’t know that Jude is…”

Connor shakes his head.

“No… he’s like a Jesus freak. He can never know.”

Mike gulps.

“Fuck… can’t be fun for Jude to live there, must be rough you know…”

_You can say that again…_

“Yeah…”

Connor sighs.

“I just… fuck. I just need to talk to him you know. If I just… I can make this right… I have to.”

Mike nods as an answer.

“Can I… Maybe you don’t want to tell me but, can you tell me like… what did he say? Why is he acting like this?”

Connor closes his eyes and takes a few breaths through his nose.

“He… he said he doesn’t love me. That it happened too fast and shit…”

Mike snorts.

“Well that’s obviously bullshit.”

Connor doesn’t say anything.

“Seriously, I’m not saying this just to make you feel better or anything but he fucking loves you, I’m sure of it.”

Connor sighs again, he can’t really tell Mike that maybe the problem isn’t love.

“I… maybe.”

“Nah man he does. He’s not the only one I’ve seen looking at you but he… he doesn’t look at you the way the freshman girls do… I’ve… I’ve never seen that before really.”

Connor smiles slightly, thinking about Jude in a positive way always made him smile no matter how he was feeling.

“And it’s SO creepy that you look at him the exact same way. It’s… I’m going to take a video of it sometime and show you guys when you’re back together.”

“Mike…”

Mike puts up his feet on the table and leans back in his chair.

“Just a matter of time Stevens.”

Connor snickers.

“Hey… thanks man. I needed this.” Connor will probably never be able tell Mike exactly how grateful he was for making him feel better when he needed it the most.

“Yeah don’t mention it, but because you forced me to skip school to cry like a baby over some boy I’m going to need a favor.”

Connor laughed slightly again.

“Sure… because I _forced_ you that seems fair.”

“You’re coming to the party on Saturday.”

Connor opened his mouth but he didn’t get the chance to say anything.

“Yes you are Connor. I don’t care if you’re going to sit and mope around all night, you’re still going.”

Once again Connor opened his mouth.

“Yes you are.”

“I’m n-“

“You are.”

“I-“

“Really. You are.”

Connor gave up. Mike was obviously not going to let him participate in a dialogue.

“I think Hannah and Madison are coming too. So you know… you might get some Jude gossip out of it.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_Saturday night_

“Heeey man! You made it.”

“Did I have a choice? Cause I can get on my bike-“

“No no get in, I’m just glad I didn’t have to send out a kidnapping squad.” Mike laughed and pushed Connor inside. The party seemed to have started already.

“You want anything to drink?” Mike said as they made their way towards the kitchen.

“As long as it’s alcohol free.”

“You sure? Could be a good idea to you know, loosen up…”

“Or it could be a terrible idea, consider…”

“Or it could be a terrible idea.”

Mike agreed, if he thought about it alcohol could make him break down. Connor was still far from alright even if his mission of talking to Jude made him focus on that which helped him avoid thinking the most negative thoughts.

The party was in full swing and most guys from the soccer team were there. He lied and told them that he had problems with his calves, that’s why he had missed practice. Talking about nonsense felt pretty good but as the others started to get more and more drunk Connor was getting impatient.

The main reason he was at the party was to talk with Hannah or Madison… probably Hannah, and they were still nowhere to be seen.   

Connor put his phone back in his pocket after trying Jude’s phone, again. When he poured himself another glass of Mike’s alcohol free punch he heard familiar voices from the hallway.

Hannah, Madison and Chris were taking off their jackets. Connor thinks he saw that Madison and Chris were holding hands but they released their grip when Mike came up to greet them.

 _Good for them_.

Hannah came into the kitchen with a plastic bag, she headed for the fridge when she spotted Connor.

“Oh… hey, Connor.”

Hannah didn’t seem to be as disappointed as Connor thought she would be by seeing him.

Truth was that Hannah had spent a lot of time thinking about both Jude and Connor for the last week. Jude wasn’t talking to her so she had no idea what had changed but she did know that Connor was hurting, that much was clear just by looking at him. Considering Jude’s… issues, chances were that Connor wasn’t the bad guy in whatever was going on between them.

“Hey.”

Connor tried to resist, it seemed rude to confront her when she just had gotten there but he had only one thing on his mind and that was that he needed to talk to Jude and she… she could possibly help with that.

Hannah put some wine coolers into the fridge and when she was done she turned to Connor.

“So… how are doing?”

“I’m…” Connor pauses.

“Listen can we talk? I… I need to talk to you. In private.”

”Connor I don’t know if I can help-”

“Please. It’s important.”

Now Hannah knew what Jude had meant when he talked about how impossible it was to resist Connor when he begged.

“Alright… alright fine.”

Connor asked Mike where he and Hannah could talk undisturbed and Mike showed them to the garage which for all others were off limits. When Connor walked in, trailed by Hannah, he understood why. Mike was stashing the alcohol in there and there was… a lot of it.

“Have you talked to him?” Connor said the second Hannah closed the door.

“No… not about… you guys.”

Connor looked down, he probably shouldn’t have gotten his hopes up in the first place but he had.

“He doesn’t want to talk about it… Well he can’t, he can’t even hear your name without…”

Connor nods before looking back at Hannah. She feels sorry for him, he can tell.

“I need to talk to him Hannah…”

“I don’t think he wants to talk to you right now Connor.”

“I’m not giving up on him. I… I love him.”

She bites her bottom lip. She doesn’t really know why but her heart aches so much for Connor. He looks so defeated and so so sad.

“I… I know you do Connor.”

“Please help me talk to him… I need to talk to him.”

“I… I don’t know Connor…”

“He loves me too. You know that right?”

Hannah hesitates, she thought she knew that but this last week had made her doubt it. If Jude loved him, why was he acting like this? Connor clearly wasn’t the one that wanted them to be apart.

“Are… are you sure about that Connor?” She didn’t want to make him question what Jude felt but perhaps it was the only way.

“Yes.” Connor said without thinking twice.

They stood there in silence for a minute. Connor’s sad eyes had stopped looking at her and were now looking at the concrete floor instead.

“Will you… will you help me if I can prove to you that he loves me?”

Hannah gave him a questioning look, not sure how someone can prove a thing like that.

“What are you talking about Connor?”

“I… I’m going to tell you something personal and if… I hope it… I hope you’ll help me.”

“Ok…” Hannah is still not really following but saying no to Connor had been plain cruel.

Connor takes a minute. He dries his face from the odd tear that had escaped his eyes.

“He… he… Jude told them… that he loves me.”

“Told who?”

“His parents…”

That got Hannah’s attention. Jude’s parents weren’t anything that Jude wanted to talk about. However, she knew that nothing meant more to him then they did, especially his mother.

“He took me to their grave.”

Hannah was frozen to her spot, obviously Connor was lying but… He sure didn’t look like he was lying.

“Where… which cemetery?”

“Umm… what?”

”Which cemetery?” Hannah had to be sure that Connor was telling the truth, Jude had told her where they were buried a long time ago when he was having an episode.

“Fort Rosecrans.”

Hannah swallowed hard. _Fuck._

”I know he loves me Hannah because… “

Connor started crying again. He continued blurting out in a broken voice, talking fast but choking up every now and then.

“Be-because he said it to them. When we we-were… there, in front of them he told them that he loves me.”

Hannah was speechless. She sniffled and used her thumb to carefully remove the tears that had formed.

“You know him better than anyone… would he say that to them if he… if he didn’t mean it?”

Hannah took a much needed breath. She knew the answer to that. After a few moments, she finally speaks.

“He’s home alone right now.”

“What?”

“Phil is away for the weekend. He’s home alone.”

Connor goes up to her. He puts his hands on her cheeks, he kisses her forehead before looking her in her eyes.

“Thank you!” He is beaming when he runs past her, leaving her alone in the garage.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor had never biked faster in his life. Adrenaline was pumping through him. He was going to talk to Jude, failure to do so was not an option. Jude had to let him talk to him, he had to.

Before going to Jude’s there was something he had to do. It felt important. He threw his bike on the lawn in front of his house. He unlocked the door and rushed up to his room. When he came back down again Adam was standing there with a concerned expression.

“What’s going on son?”

“I’m going to Jude’s.”

“To Jude’s? But…”

Connor had already passed him and opened the outer door again, the last thing Adam hears before Connor shuts the door is.

“I’m not giving up on him!”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Even though Hannah had told him Phil wasn’t at home he parked his bike by a tree a few houses away. He wasn’t taking any chances, not with this.

Every step that Connor took towards Jude’s house felt… significant. In the back of his head he understood the seriousness of the situation. It would all come down to this. If this didn’t work, Jude and he would never be together. Just thinking about it made him shiver so he forced it away. This has to work, it has to.

He slows down when he’s getting closer to Jude’s house. His stomach clenches and he has to gather all the strength he has to conquer his nerves.

Within soon he finds himself standing in front of Jude’s house. The house is dark but he can see that a fraction of light comes through Jude’s bedroom window.

He squeezes his pocket. _You can do this Connor… you can do this._

Connor takes a breath and crosses the lawn, he walks up the porch. He only hesitates for a second before ringing the doorbell. Hearing the bell makes him gasp. This has to work…

Not that surprisingly, there is no reaction coming from inside. The house remains dead silent. Connor keeps ringing the doorbell. He stands close to the door, not leaving Jude with the possibility to see it’s him from any window.

The minutes go by, Connor keeps ringing the bell. He shrugs seeing the sign on the door, remembering the first time he read it. Connor had a hunch that the lord, if he existed, didn’t consider this house his.

Connor doesn’t stop ringing the bell and finally it seems to pay off. He has his ear pressed against the outer door and he can hear footsteps coming down the stairs. Connor’s heart is beating out of his chest as soft footsteps from inside are getting nearer.

Connor hears the sound from the door chain being mantled before the door handle is slowly turned.

The door opens and through the door chink Connor sees Jude, he is wrapped in a comforter and his eyes look tired.

The second that Jude sees Connor he shuts the door again.

Connor leans his forehead against the door, he has to make an effort to keep it together but seeing Jude again made it harder than he had anticipated.

“Jude please open up…”

“Go away Connor… please go away.”

From inside Jude is leaning on his forehead, he’s already crying.

They stay like that for a moment, only separated by the thin door. Jude was muffling his cries with the help of his comforter but Connor still heard him.

“Jude… please… I need to talk to you.”

Jude is shaking and he starts crying violently, he feels like he’s about to have a panic attack. He had not been prepared to see Connor at all.

“Please Jude. If…”

Connor stops himself, what he’s about to say is something he might regret for the rest of his life.

“Jude… If you let me talk to you and… And if you…  If you let me, I’ll never bother you again.”

A moment’s hesitation.

“I promise.” Connor shuts his eyes. _This has to work…_

Connor’s words leave a silence that is almost unbearable. It feels like he’s been standing there for hours when Jude finally speaks from inside. Voice so low that Connor barely hears him.

“Ok… But promise that you leave if I ask you to…”

“I promise.”

As Connor hears the door chain being unlocked he picks up his locket from his pocket. He opens the lid and looks at the picture inside of him and Mia. He is two weeks old and is wrapped in a blanket. Of course he recognizes the background of the light blue wall behind them. Jude's mother had stood in front of the exact same one in their picture.

He closes the lid and flips the locket that was given as a birth present by the hospital. Before stepping inside he reads the text.

“Connor Michael Stevens – 01/22/99”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up: "Chapter 65: Jude"
> 
> I plan to upload #65 on Monday, it's the last chapter I'll upload before the hiatus that'll last for about a week.
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr


	65. Jude

Connor gets inside and closes the door behind him. Jude is standing by the staircase. He’s avoiding to look at Connor and he’s wrapped in his blue comforter, the only thing visible of Jude is his head and his bare feet.

“Put on the chain…” Jude says in the same low broken voice from before.

Connor does as he’s told. Jude goes up the stairs and Connor follows him. They walk in awkward silence, they're barely breathing.

Connor forces down saliva, he knows that the moment of truth will soon take place up in Jude’s room. It will all come down to this and it has to work. Connor can only hope that love will be enough, that it will be enough for Jude.

Jude is concentrating on not crying. He cannot look at Connor but just having him near, he feels Connor’s presence and he’s missed it so much but he… he can’t give in now. Connor has to be saved from the liar that is him and from the monster that is Phil. Connor is too good and pure to be soiled by him and his so called life.

When he enters his room Jude goes to his closet, Connor walks slowly behind him. When Connor enters Jude’s room he notices that it doesn’t look like it usually does. First of all, Jude’s bed isn’t made, which kind of makes sense since Jude is wrapped in his comforter but still it looks really odd not seeing Jude’s room excessively tidy.

There are tissues on Jude’s bedside table and some are lying on the floor next to his bed. Jude picks up a white towel from the floor as he makes his way past Connor. It looked like the towel had some kind of stains on them but Connor wasn’t sure as Jude wrapped it before he got a good look at it.

“I’m gonna change.” Jude says when he goes towards the bathroom. Jude hasn’t looked at Connor once. Connor knows because apart from quick glances around the room he hasn’t taken his eyes off him.

Even though the room is darkly lit Connor can see that Jude’s light blue pillow cases has dark spots on them, Connor can guess that they are tears that haven’t dried yet. Connor bites his bottom lip as his chest clenches from picturing Jude crying. Connor hates thinking about Jude being sad, the times he’s seen Jude cry has been among the worst in his life.

When Connor registers that the room has kind of a musty smell that hasn’t been there before Jude comes back from the bathroom.

Jude is dressed in baggy jeans and a black button up shirt, the color making his pale skin stand out. Connor is so nervous that he can barely breath but some part of him smiles internally seeing that Jude had fixed his hair to perfection.

Seeing Jude standing in front of him literally makes his heart skip a beat. It’s Jude. The only thing different about him is that his eyes and cheeks have traces from that he’s been recently crying.

Connor wants to tell him how beautiful he looks. He wants to comfort him because Jude is suffering, that much is clear. He wants to hold him, his body aches to touch him but Connor knows he can’t do any of those things.

He also knows that if this didn’t go well, he would probably never be able to touch Jude again.

Jude is standing still, eyes stubbornly glued to the floor. He curses himself because he can actually feel it. It’s… warmer. He feels warmer. Connor is standing in his room and his body is shaking because of it.

Why does his body tell him that Connor is everything he needs, that he is the one that will make him complete? Jude figures it must be some cruel cruel joke played on him, testing him how much he can take before…

No, he can’t look at Connor. The glance he got through the door chink had nearly given him a heart attack. Connor needs to be saved… Connor deserves so much better because Connor is perfect.

“I’ve missed you…” Connor says and Jude has to close his eyes, Connor’s voice sounds as broken as he feels himself.

“I’ve missed you so much…” Connor speaks again and Jude’s jaw is trembling. He shuts his eyes even more tightly in some feeble attempt to keep it together.

Jude has his eyes shut when he hears the sound that he’s been fearing to hear.

Muffled sounds are coming from Connor and Jude would probably recognize them even if unconscious. Jude opens his eyes and slowly looks up from the floor to Connor. From his dark grey skinny jeans to his navy blue long sleeves button up shirt.

Connor is hanging his head down, his left hand covering his face as he’s crying into it. Connor’s body is heaving and his sobs are getting louder. Jude’s heart can’t take the sight. He has to look away but he has no chance whatsoever to stop the tears.

Jude hides his face with both hands as the walls are coming down. He cries uncontrollable as his chest and stomach feels like they are on fire. His heart hurts, he wants it gone, he wants it ripped out because he can’t take this any longer.

Both of them are crying. Jude is standing by his bed and Connor’s by Jude’s desk. They stand like that for a few minutes, trying to compose themselves without succeeding. Neither of them dares to look at the other as that would only make things worse.

From out of nowhere an image appears in Jude’s mind. It’s the memory from when he first saw Connor, he’s standing in the cafeteria and hazel eyes are piercing through him. It pops up every now and then, usually in circumstances when it shouldn’t. Last time it happened was 8 days ago when he was alone with Phil. Jude gasps for air and is forced to do his breathing exercises to remain in control.

Connor’s cries recede some when he hears the change in Jude. He looks over at Jude who doesn’t seem to be ok. Jude’s body is twitching and his breathing is irregular. Jude had one time tried to explain how an episode could look like and this reminded him of what Jude had told him.

Connor takes a step towards Jude without knowing what to do but he can’t stand by and do nothing.

“Jude… Jude?”

Connor tries but Jude is still hiding his face while he’s breathing is turning into hyper-ventilating. Connor’s chest hurts, of course he knows that someone shouldn’t react this way if everything was alright. Whatever traumas were behind it all, Jude was the last person who deserved it. 

“Jude, listen to my voice. Please, Jude I’m here.” Connor tries to talk as steady as he possibly can.

Jude is brought back to his room. He’s disorientated for a moment. He recognizes this feeling and realizes what must have happened. He can hear Connor’s voice trying to calm him down.

“Jude I’m here. Everything will be alright…”

Jude slowly removes his hands, he opens his eyes and looks at Connor. For the moment Jude has blocked out the reasons they both were crying just recently. When looking at Connor’s worried expression, Jude speaks for the first time since he came back from the bathroom.

“Connor?”

Jude’s breathing is almost normal, calming Connor down.

They look into each other’s eyes and Connor’s heart skips a beat seeing the affection in Jude’s eyes. It lasts a few seconds. Jude’s expression changes from that of being loving although confused to one where all the light from his eyes disappear.

Two teardrops run down Jude’s cheeks and he breaks the eye contact.

“Connor…”

Jude whimpers, his voice has never sounded sadder to Connor.

“Connor you shouldn’t be here…”

“I want to be here Jude. I… I don’t think I can… be without you.”

Connor didn’t mean it to sound as desperate but talking from your heart doesn’t leave room for filters.

“Yo-you don’t wa-want _me_ Connor…”

Jude’s voice as small as Connor’s ever heard it, it breaks and when he’s finished Jude is crying again. Connor feels like he can’t breathe. Seeing the person that he loves in this state is not something he knows how to handle.

Perhaps this was one of those times when responding immediately had been the right thing to do. However, this Connor could not do. He needed several moments just concentrating on composing himself from seeing Jude like that. He could not break down now, for Jude’s sake he had to be stronger than ever before.

“Jude… I have never been mo-more sure of anything in my life. I want you…” Connor chokes up, he takes a deep breath and dries away some tears before he continues.

“I want you… and I’m so… I’m so afraid that you will tell me to g-go because…”

Another pause that Connor can’t help. Jude is listening though, that’s the important part. A few moments later Connor is somewhat ready to go on.

“Because I know that I… I will still want you f-for all my life. P… please Jude don’t tell me to go… Please.”

Jude has to focus as he feels dizzy. He feels like he’s losing his mind. Connor telling him he will want him for all his life. Everything about all of this is surreal. Connor is unreal. Still here he is, standing in Jude’s bedroom a broken man.

It is not often that Jude feels sorry for himself, he tries to do the best with the cards he’s been dealt. It is not often, but this time… Jude feels an anger rising inside him. This isn’t fair. Life isn’t fair. Jude feels frustrated like never before. For a second Jude is about to scream to Connor to go away, to leave, but he can’t.

Jude looks up at Connor again, seeing his sad eyes makes Jude act on impulse by speaking, or rather shouting.

“Connor no! No! You don’t want me! You don’t even kn…” Jude stops himself, shouting turning into whispering.

“I’m not alright Connor… Just a few minutes ago I blacked out… you saw it. I’m not how a human is supposed to be… I’ll… I’ll never be. He’s made sure of that Connor… long before you got here.”

Connor’s barely breathing. Jude is whispering but he has a clarity to his tone, that combined with the chosen words makes Connor’s stomach twist.

Connor wants to take the three or maybe four steps towards Jude that still separates them but Jude is too fragile, he’s not allowed. Jude’s words left Connor speechless for a moment, he wants to cry but he pushes through using willpower he didn’t know he possessed.

“I want you Jude. I lo-… I love you, all of you.”

Jude closes his eyes, tears are streaming down and he shakes his head violently.

“No Connor you don’t… you don’t...”

Connor squeezes his pocket where his locket is.

“Yes I do… Look at me Jude. Please look at me.”

Jude keeps shaking his head, eyes closed. A few teardrops leave Jude’s face and hits against the wooden floor.

“You can always tell when I mean it… so please look at me when I tell you. You’ll see that I’m not lying.”

Jude can feel the anger again, the frustration. Connor doesn’t get it, he doesn’t understand. How could he possibly understand?

Jude opens his eyes and make eye contact with Connor before talking loudly.

“That’s the problem Connor! I’ve… I’m the one that’s been lying!”

Connor gulps. The moment of truth is approaching. He can feel it. Connor knows that he’s young but he also knows that the coming moment is probably the most important one in his life.

“Connor… Connor you are perfect. You are perfect… I don’t deserve you and you don’t even know it-”

Connor interrupts Jude with the only thing he need to know.

“Do you love me Jude?”

“Wh-what?”

“Do you love me?”

Jude looked at him like he was crazy and yes, honestly Connor knew the answer but he wanted to hear it.

“You said you’ve been lying… were you lying when you told me you loved me?”

Jude presses his lips together to stop his jaw from shaking. He shakes his head without breaking eye contact. He whimpers.

“No…”

“Can’t you see that’s all that matters to me? Can’t you see I’m crazy about you?”

Connor sighs.

“Jude you can tell me anything… and I’ll still want to be with you.” He takes a pause. Jude needs to hear this part clearly.

“I promise.”

Jude is sobbing again. He shakes his head slowly.

“Not this Connor… I can’t tell you this… You’ll hate me and I-… I won’t…”

_I won’t survive it…_

Jude can’t finish his sentence, his voice is sore and hoarse as his emotions have made a complete mess of him.

Time is slowing down. Connor can feel it. It’s not like when he and Jude have their moments but the concept is the same. Time is slowing down because Connor knows that the moment is here.

He has to tell Jude and he has to tell him now. Connor is probably shaking from being nervous but he needs to focus on using at least somewhat the right words. Jude has to understand.

“Jude… Jude I haven’t been honest with you either.”

Jude doesn’t say anything but Connor has got his attention, Jude seems to be listening.

“I… Jude, I _know_.” Connor emphasizes the last word, hoping that Jude would understand. He didn’t.

“What… wh-what do you know?”

Connor hesitates. They stand in silence for a few moments, Connor finally speaks again… the words he should have told Jude a long time ago.

“I know… I know what you’re hiding underneath your shirt.”

The words spoken by Connor would never be forgotten by Jude. Time wasn’t slowing down for Jude, it came to a stop. He has no idea what kind of expression he got on his face but his body felt like it's on fire and not in a good way. Anxiety rapidly building up. His skin itches.

“What…?”

Connor can see Jude getting extremely uncomfortable and nervous. He needed for Jude not to run away from him, that was the reaction he feared the most.

“I know… and I understand why you haven’t told me. I really do Jude.”

Connor talked slowly and remained calm, trying to tell Jude in a way to make him continue to listen and not break down.

Jude’s mind raced until it settled for a more convenient explanation. Jude’s hand was drawn to his belly button. Through the shirt he could still feel his scars all the way up to below his right chest. Of course Connor noticed Jude’s movements and could read his mind.

“I… I don’t know exactly what you have… here.” Connor imitates Jude’s movements, using his fingers to trail up from his own stomach to his chest.

Jude gets a moment of relief, for a moment there his mind raced towards Connor knowing something else entirely. Connor, wasn’t finished though.

“But I’m not talking about _that_.” Connor pauses because he needs to, he gulps, takes a deep breath and slowly puts his left hand on his right chest.

“I’m talking about… this.” Connor moves his hand from his right chest to his left one.

Connor sees the fear in Jude’s eyes. He tries to remain as calm as possible, he needs Jude to know this isn’t a big deal for him. He knows and understands that it is for Jude, but at least he wants Jude to know that it isn’t for him.

Jude’s head keeps screaming at him that Connor doesn’t know, he doesn’t know, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Denial being his copying mechanism works for a moment, until it doesn’t anymore.

He’s getting lightheaded. The room starts to spin. His eyes roll to the back of his head and at the last moment he finds his bed and sits down on it. He uses his hands for support. The room is still spinning. He can hear Connor saying something but he can’t make out the words. Jude is staring at the floor when he notices that Connor is kneeling before him.

Jude looks at him and they share their most important look, for once looking at Connor makes his head stop spinning, it’s usually the other way around.

Jude sitting on his bed and Connor kneeling just in front of him. They are both deciding what to say, their minds and bodies battling out what the next move is. They look just as worried, feeling the importance of the moment.

Both Jude and Connor can feel that their future now rest on a knife-edge.

Moments of silence pass. Only breaths and heartbeats can be heard.

“You… you can’t know?” Jude finally speaks.

Connor gives Jude a slight smile, he nods while he speaks.

“I do know Jude… and I’m still here.”

Jude is far from smiling, his expression shows a mix of fear, shock and disbelief.

He still has some hope that Connor is talking about something else… not _that_.

“What do you know?” Jude’s lower lip is shaking without him knowing so, concentrating on what Connor has to say has never been more important.

 _Fuck_.

Connor curses himself, why is this so hard. Every sentence, every word seems hard to speak. If Connor had had the luxury to look at the situation objectively he would know that it was because of the importance of the moment. His body knew it would change everything, everything.

“I… I…”

 _Fuck_.

A deep breath. He looks up. Eye contact with Jude felt crucial. He can’t stand to see those beautiful brown eyes look so scared.

“I know why… why the back of your locket is scratched out.”

Jude’s reaction is direct. His entire jaw trembles and his eyes squint. He’s looks like he’s about to cry but most of all he looks scared. He looks more scared than sad. Connor doesn’t like it, Jude should never have to be scared as long as he’s around.

“Ho-how…?”

Connor reaches down into his pocket, while trying to get the locket out he realizes that his fingers are shaking. Before pulling out the locket he looks back up at Jude. Jude looks like… Connor doesn’t really know but it doesn’t look like he’s breathing at all. Connor silently prays for Jude’s body not to react by having a panic attack but he knows there’s a strong possibility for that to occur.

“You told me that I was the first one to see it… which means that you’re the only one that could have scratched it out.”

Jude is not blinking but tears are still escaping from his eyes. His body is stiff and he’s inhaling small puffs of air through his nose. He can’t speak, he wants to get out of there but something keeps him sitting down… listening to Connor’s voice.

_Please Jude stay with me…_

“And I know why… because I know what’s supposed to be there.”

Connor takes out his hand that conceals his own locket. He reaches out his hand and slowly he opens his cupped hand palm up, showing his locket to Jude.

Jude can’t believe his eyes. He doesn’t understand it at first. How can Connor have his locket? Connor must have noticed.

“It’s not yours Jude. It’s mine…”

Jude puts his hand over his mouth.

“Oh my god…”

He finally gets it. He can’t believe that he didn’t think of it before. Connor had even told him he was born there.

Jude can hear himself speak. It’s like two Jude’s exist, one that seems to act on its own accord and then there’s the conscious Jude shaking to his core. Worry and concern not nearly enough to describe how Jude felt.

“Can I…?”

Connor nods.

“Of course.”

Jude reaches out towards Connor’s hand. He’s careful not to touch Connor’s skin, he doesn’t dare to. He picks up the locket and slowly put it in the palm of his hand. It’s warm and Jude’s mind is struck by an image of pure light. He forces it away.

Connor’s eyes never stop looking at Jude. He observes him looking down at Connor’s locket. Connor is relieved when he hears Jude inhale through his nose. He had started to worry.

Jude opens the lid. He smiles for a brief moment and two tears drop down in his lap when he sees the picture inside. A small boy who apparently is Connor is sleeping and tucked into a blanket, Mia is holding him. The familiar light blue walls behind them matches the color of Connor’s blanket.

“Mom told me they tried to take a picture of me when I was awake but they gave up. I liked to nap back then.”

Connor snickers lightly and so does Jude. The part of Jude that allows himself to snicker is not the one that’s fearing what wait on the other side of Connor’s locket. On the other side, reality waits and Jude is staling. He’s not sure if he’s prepared for it but he has to, that’s why he had taken Connor’s locket in the first place. He… needs to see it.

The sad smile on Jude’s face disappears when he closes the lid. Reality getting closer. He feels like he’s out of air so he takes a deep sudden breath. His right hand is shaking when he slowly starts to turn the locket resting in his left one.

Jude closes his eyes when it lies backside up. He keeps telling himself that he could do this, he’s strong enough.

Connor witness Jude opening his eyes and the sight nearly breaks his heart. Jude goes from a somewhat neutral expression to one of complete sadness, he trembles and cries silently while his head keeps slowly shaking.

Jude is taken back from the sight of what should have been. Memories flooding his mind.

He recognizes the cursive text even if it was many years ago that he in a frenzy carved out his own birth name with a knife during one of his episodes.

He reads the text. _“Connor Michael Stevens – 01/22/99”_.

Connor had gotten the start in life that Jude never did get, the start most takes for granted. How different it all would have been if life had got it right from the start.

Jude looks up in the ceiling and concentrates on breathing. Some part of him still lingers onto the fact that Connor hasn’t said it outright yet, that part is probably the one thing that keeps him from running away from this room to hide where no one can find him.

Jude is still looking up when he speaks. He’s stop bothering drying his tears. The collar of his shirt and his lap are already completely soaked.

“Wh-… Why do you think mine is scratched out?”

Jude closes his eyes, begging that Connor doesn’t really know but Jude’s begging in vain.

“Because… you didn’t want to see it anymore… You didn’t want to see your birth name.” Connor pauses, Jude’s eyes seem to never stop producing new tears as they are streaming down his cheeks.

“You scratched it out because… because you weren't born as... Jude.”

A sharp inhale is heard from Jude but other than that the room is silent. Connor is gauging Jude’s reaction. He can only imagine the things going through Jude’s head.

After a minute Jude looks down at the kneeling Connor. Jude’s eyes are red, he looks defeated. Jude blurts out, voice filled with sadness.

“Well go ahead then!”

Connor wasn’t prepared and he really didn’t know what Jude meant.

“What?”

Jude lets out a sigh, like Connor is playing dumb or something.

“Ask me?”

“Ask you what?”

Jude snorts.

“What I was named, don’t you want to know?!”

Jude’s tone isn’t aggressive but something close to it. Connor knows it’s some sort of defense mechanism trying to protect Jude, trying to distance himself from Connor who surely doesn’t want anything to do with him.

“Jude… no, I don’t. You can tell me if you want but… no…”

Jude looks a bit confused. Connor had practiced saying the following words out loud a few times while lying in his bed at night. They didn’t come out exactly as planned but close to it.

“Whatever it was… it wasn’t Jude, it was something else and that wasn’t you. I don’t care about what you were born as, I only care about who you are now.”

Jude goes blank. His mind erased for… god only knows how long. He keeps looking at Connor who looks back at him. Jude will never know how someone can say something like that and still look like he’s scared. The part of Jude that he doesn’t have control over speaks.

“You can’t be real…”

Connor is still looking scared.

Anxiety rises in Jude, Connor knows his secret and Connor is sitting right in front of him. Jude’s eyes keep flickering around the room, he needs to get out, he needs Connor to get out. Connor reads him because Connor… Connor gets him, he always does.

“Please Jude…” Connor is starting to cry.

“Pl-please don’t tell me to go. I want to stay…”

Connor is begging and Jude… Jude still can’t say no to him. For a few minutes they stay still and silent, breathing and sniffling.

Jude finally asks.

“When did you know?”

Connor uses his arm to dry his eyes before he responds.

“I’ve known a long time…”

“Bu-but how?”

“It… it started with the tape.”

Jude looks confused, Connor read him.

“When it fell out of your backpack. I… I know it’s used to… around here.” Connor puts his hand on his own chest.

Jude gulps. He wasn’t in a position so he could tell Connor that the tape was actually used for something else that time. He stayed silent.

“And then… you remember when you spilled your soda and you changed into my sweater?”

Jude nods, he remembers wearing Connor’s enormous sweater.

“You held your arms up and it… Your shirt fell down so I saw your… armpits. And I saw… I saw the tape.”

Jude stays silent, how didn’t he think about that. It wasn’t like him to be so reckless.

“So that and that you never show your body… And then I… well I didn’t mean to but I was looking at you from the side one time when we studied and for once you didn’t have a collared shirt so I saw your… throat.”

Jude looked down for a second. Earlier he had been careful to cover his throat as much as possible but he had stopped doing it since no one noticed him anyway.

Connor gives Jude time to absorb it all. When he’s given him a moment he continues.

“I wasn’t 100 % sure until… until you showed me your locket. Then I knew.”

Deep breaths the only thing heard for several minutes before Jude starts to weep before he whispers.

“You don’t have to be here…”

“What? I want t-.”

“I’m disgusting… You know that now but you are too nice to tell me…” Jude’s sobs getting louder, he has trouble speaking clearly and he chokes up.

“Jude listen to me. I need you to listen.”

He doesn’t stop crying but at least he looks at Connor with watery eyes.

“I knew. When you showed me the locket I knew. Do you remember what happened after that?”

Of course Jude remembers, he nods as he rather avoids talking.

“I kissed you.”

Jude stops sobbing, he listens intensely to Connor.

“I kissed the most beautiful _boy_ I’ve ever seen and it was the best moment of my life.”

Connor’s words too much for Jude to handle. Suddenly he stands up cupping his own face with his hands. He feels stress like never before. He needs to think. He needs to breath. Nothing of this can be happening.

Connor stands up too and is forced to take a few steps back, Jude’s body language clearly telling him that Jude needs space.

Jude whimpers again. Connor misses Jude’s regular voice, he hasn’t heard it all night.

“Are you real Connor?”

Jude looks at him like he’s done before while asking that question, he looks like he’s dead serious.

“Find out.”

They look at each other. Jude still looks serious and Connor looks concerned and scared that Jude’s going to go away from him again.

Jude moves towards him, he takes the three steps separating them and his hand moves towards Connor’s cheek. He just nudges it with the back of his ring finger. Connor shivers from the touch. Jude goes back again and he puts his hand over his mouth and nose.

Connor gives Jude a moment. He can't wait any longer, it's not the right thing to say but Connor doesn't care.

“So Jude... Will you please be my boyfriend?”

“Again.” Connor snickers slightly, hoping to defuse at least some of Jude’s anxiety. It doesn’t really work that well.

Jude doesn’t want anything else than to feel Connor’s warmth again. He aches for it. He wants to give in but he can’t. Connor doesn’t know everything.

“Connor you… you don’t understand.”

“What don’t I understand?”

“I don’t… I don’t look like you do… under this.” Jude gestures towards his shirt.

“I’m disgusting.”

“I know you don’t look like me Jude, and I don’t care about that. I love y-.”

“No you don’t understand Connor I’m… he’s… made sure no one wants me.”

Jude’s crying again. He can’t understand how he can cry once again. He shouldn’t have any tears left.

Connor’s hand is by reflex drawn to his face and he has to fight his own tears. He had suspected this… that fucking monster had done thing to Jude.

“Jude… I don’t care how you look like underneath your clothes. I love you, can’t you see I’m a mess?! I love you so much and I just want to hold you and kiss you and-“

Connor has to stop talking as he’s starting to cry.

“Connor he has… cut me… Y-you will never want to hold me if you see it.”

_I’m going to kill that… thing._

Connor represses showing Jude his anger. He sniffles and dries away his tears. He needs for Jude to understand. He tries to think of some way. He’s never been the one with words… he remembers Jude telling him that his actions have always spoken louder than words.

Connor’s hands move to the collar of his button up shirt. He removes the top button. He looks Jude in his eyes when he opens the next one.

“Connor…?” Jude looks puzzled.

“Connor what are you doing?” Jude asks him with a small voice when Connor opens the third button.

“Showing you it doesn’t matter.”

Jude is taking shallow breaths as Connor is unbuttoning his shirt. He knows what Connor is doing. It isn’t fair.

“Connor I… I don’t look like you, please stop…”

Connor doesn’t listen. When the last button is opened he says.

“I know you don’t. It doesn’t matter. I love you Jude, that’s what matters.”

Connor takes off his shirt, he drops it to the floor and looks back at Jude.

Jude looks at Connor's perfect body. His chest muscles stand out and his abdominals clearly showing. He has a tiny birthmark between his left chest and throat but apart from that there’s nothing but golden brown skin.

After a few moments Connor asks of him.

“Does this matter Jude?”

Jude blinks, he looks at Connor’s body before looking back up. He doesn’t say anything.

“Do you love me?”

“Yes… ” Jude is whispering, he still sounds sad.

“Does this matter?” Connor looks down at his exposed torso before looking back at Jude.

Jude weeps.

He shakes his head.

“No… it doesn’t matter.”

“I love you.” Connor says, it comes out in a pathetic low voice.

“I love you too.” Jude sniffles as he responds not missing a beat.

If Jude lived to be a hundred, he would still probably not be able to explain what happened next.

Connor looked at him and somehow Jude knew what Connor wanted him to do. It was the last obstacle that they needed to cross for Jude to allow himself to believe that Connor wanted him, just the way that he was.

Jude knew that Connor would never ask him and like had happened before his body acted without his brain telling it to do so.

Jude’s small fingers made their way to his collar. His underarms that rested against his chest were shaking. Jude’s fingertips stayed on the button for a full minute, when his shakings receded Connor gave him an encouraging nod.

Jude unbuttoned the top button, he gasped and whimpered feeling the black fabric part, revealing his throat. Jude needed time to calm down, Connor gave it to him and more.

When Jude finally unbuttoned the second button he could feel his eyes sting once again.

Jude kept unbuttoning his shirt, he and Connor never broke eye-contact. Jude started to cry when the last button popped open.

“Don’t cry…”

“I… I can’t do this… You don’t know…”

“You don’t have to Jude.” Connor put his own hands on his own chest. “But _this_ doesn’t matter.”

Jude was weeping as he took off his shirt. Connor never once looked at anything but into Jude’s eyes. When Jude’s shirt dropped to the floor his hands and arms crossed and covered his upper body.

Jude closed his eyes and started to bawl and his body was shaking, even his small legs looked like they were about to give in.

“Hey… look at me.”

Jude shook his head.

“I’m di-disgusting Connor. H-h-he cut me.” Jude used the same words again, telling Connor he was cut through his violent sobs.

“Please Jude, look at me.”

Jude was still shaking when he opened his eyes, Connor hadn’t as much as glanced at Jude’s body.

“It’s ok Jude… It’s ok.”

Jude looked at Connor and… and Connor was pure light. Standing there in front of Jude without a shirt he was the embodiment of safety. How showing Jude his perfect body made Jude feel safe was probably beyond any logic but somehow it made sense to Jude.

It was only flesh, that was what Connor was telling him. Connor could make him complete, Jude already knew this. He had known for months. If Connor was to make him complete, he would have to see Jude as he was.

Connor’s eyes stayed glued to Jude’s when Jude finally dropped his arms to his side, naked from the waist up.

It was not easy to see Jude’s broken face. His eyes were so sad and scared, far from how they looked when they had the spark in them. Jude tried to talk a few times but he ended up crying instead. After a minute he whimpered in a high voice while tears started to stream down his cheeks.

“Connor he c-c-cut me… He cut me so bad.”

Something in Jude’s tone told Connor he had just gotten permission to look down so he did. Connor had tried to prepare himself for what he was about to see. If Jude thought Connor was grossed out from what he saw it would destroy Jude. So Connor had prepared, but it was nearly not enough.

Jude’s chest had surgical tape going over it. He could barely see it but there _were_ two very small lumps lying underneath.

The things his eyes saw thereafter was something that he’d never forget. Jude’s ribcage and stomach were covered with scars. There were more red scarring’s than white pale skin. The scars didn’t look recent but they were so visible that they had to have been very deep.

One scar stood out, it had a different coloring, a darker shade. It went from Jude’s belly button up to his right chest. Jude’s tape covered some of it but what he saw was more than enough. The scarring was so severe that Connor became breathless. He… he couldn’t even imagine what had been done to Jude to leave that mark.

Jude cried the whole time, the sounds coming out of him giving Connor’s heart physical pain. Jude gasps while trying to speak. The words come out in bursts.

“Do-does it?! Do-do-does it ma-ma-matter now Connor?”

Connor looks up at Jude again and immediately shakes his head, which of course was the truth.

“No… it doesn’t matter Jude.”

Connor can’t help it, his eyes are drawn to the horrible scarring under Jude’s right chest, Jude notices.

“He… he… he tried to-to-to cut it off.”

Connor cannot hold back the tears, they start to fall down hearing Jude talk. Connor cannot respond, he is too angry and sad to speak.

“He… he said if I didn’t want to be-be-be a… girl, he had to cut if off…” Jude was stammering, the only way he could make the words come out.

Connor felt like he was going to be sick. He could feel bile building up in his stomach. Words could never express the hatred he felt towards _him_.

“Do… do you still love me?” Jude’s small voice bringing him back to the present, pushing his anger aside.

“Of course I love you.”

Jude hides his face and cries into his hands. Connor cannot wait any longer, he has to at least ask him.

“Can I… can I hold you?”

Connor’s question lingers in the room. Jude’s answer the best thing Connor had ever witnessed.

Jude nods.

Connor takes a deep breath and takes a step towards Jude but he doesn’t get to take another one. Jude takes his hands away from his face and run the few steps towards Connor throw himself into his arms.

The feeling of Jude’s skin pressed against his own makes Connor cry but this time it’s the good kind. He puts his arms around Jude’s back but Jude whimpers and Connor can feel the scars there. His hands and arms find skin that isn't scarred and he hold onto Jude in a strong grip. Keeping him safe.

When Jude’s body made contact with Connor’s it was almost exactly as he had pictured it. Connor was incredibly warm and Jude’s arms and hands held onto him for dear life. It seemed crucial not to let go, he never wanted to let go.

Jude was holding onto Connor so firmly that it almost affected Connor’s breathing but he didn’t mind, he didn’t mind one bit.

Jude cried against his shoulder and Connor rocked him while he stroked his back with his hands.

There was something though that bothered Connor. They had stood there for several minutes and Jude’s hands were still desperately squeezing his skin. The hands moved from different parts on his back but the desperate hold and grip from his hands weren’t... normal.

Somehow Connor knew the answer to why this was. He bit his lip and continued to slightly rock Jude from side to side to comfort him. Connor had to know though. Jude’s hands and arms were constantly moving, as they couldn’t get enough of Connor.

“Jude…”

Jude made a noise, telling Connor he was listening.

“Jude when…”

Connor closed his eyes, he was already crying silently. His heart would soon break he just knew it.

“When was the last time someone hugged you?”

Jude whimpered a response. Connor thinks he heard him but he had to be sure.

“What?”

“My… my mom.”

Connor could feel his heart breaking and his legs gave in.

He held onto Jude as he kneeled keeping Jude in his lap, not letting go of him.

Never letting go of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up: "Chapter 66: Soldiers of Love"
> 
> So hey guys. I'll leave you here for about a week. Be kind to our two boys. I understand if you have a lot of questions, much will be answered in the next chapter.
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr


	66. Soldiers of Love

Connor can’t tell how long he held onto Jude but it must have been for a long time as Connor’s kneecaps started to ache. Jude hadn’t stopped crying and for a good 10 minutes, Connor’s estimate, Connor had done the same.

For Connor there was something so sad but still beautiful about the moment they shared. It was the first time he had felt Jude’s body, really felt it. The first time their skin made contact apart from lips and hands. Jude was still desperately holding onto him, during the first hug he had gotten for over eleven years.

Every now and then Connor started thinking about Phil but he forced it aside, this night it was only the two of them that mattered. Jude was back in his life, hopefully for good. Jude was sitting in Connor’s lap and hiding his face in the crook of Connor’s neck. Connor’s entire upper body was covered in tears. Connor kept rocking Jude in his arms while kissing his hair and as much of Jude's face as his lips could reach.

Connor never wanted this moment to end, but he knew that it was probably late. Probably way late. His father would soon call and check where he was even if he’d let him stay out longer than usual knowing Connor’s mission for the night. Connor turned slightly to see the clock hanging on Jude’s wall, it was 1:30 a.m. and he understood that his parents were most likely getting worried.

Jude must have felt Connor’s movement and knew why he did move because the first thing he said was.

“Please stay…”

Jude’s voice low and hoarse from all the crying.

“Wh-what?”

Jude pulled back his face from Connor’s neck and shoulder. While keeping as much body contact as possible Jude lifted his face and looked up at Connor. Their eye contact and Connor’s warm slight smile was everything Jude needed. He can’t remember ever feeling so safe. Connor was unreal but Jude had started to tell himself to just accept it.

Jude lived in San Diego, Barack Obama was president and Connor Stevens was perfect and unreal. Facts of life.

“Please stay. I don’t want to be… alone tonight.”

Connor raised his hand and used his thumb to dry off the tears from Jude’s cheek.

“Are… are you sure?”

Jude nodded before filling in.

“If you want to.”

“I want to. But I… I just have to check with my parents.”

Jude understood but he was hopeful. Jude spoke with his low voice to keep it from cracking.

“Ok but… they usually don’t mind us… hanging out?”

Connor bit his lip.

“No but… They… They’ve been worried.”

A moment's pause before Connor continued.

“About me.”

 

Jude broke eye contact. He looked down in shame. Of course he knew what his actions had done to Connor but that didn’t mean he could look him in the eyes while talking about it.

Connor put a finger under Jude’s chin to raise up his face. Jude looked to the side, feeling awful.

“Hey… Don’t worry about it. You did what you thought would be… best.”

Jude exhaled before finally meeting Connor’s eyes again.

“I still feel bad about it.”

Connor tried to reassure Jude with a smile. It didn’t work as good as it sometimes did.

“Don’t.”

Connor hesitated. He really didn’t want to even acknowledge his existence but it needed to be done.

“Before I call them… Are… are you sure we will be… you know… alone?”

Jude nodded which caused Connor to smile again, this time it did make Jude feel better. Not good, but better.

“Ok… Ok, good.”

Suddenly, Connor switched his position from kneeling so that he was standing on his feet. While still holding onto Jude he stood up. Jude had his hands behind Connor’s neck which he used for support, still he looked shocked by Connor’s sudden movement.

“Hey, there are perks with you being small, remember.” Connor winked at Jude causing him to blush and hide his face against Connor’s neck.

Connor continued with confidence, hoping it would rub off on Jude, making him feel more comfortable.

“I need my phone but I don’t want to let you go so… deal with it Jacob.”

Connor could hear Jude laughing slightly. Mission accomplished.

Connor walked towards Jude’s bedside table and picked up his phone, the confidence from before suddenly gone when he spoke with a stammer.

“Ca-can I-I…”

“What?” Jude looked up at him sounding confused.

Connor bit his lip, for once he avoided eye contact. He was already blushing though.

“Can I… put you down on the… you know… bed?”

Jude nodded because… of course he could?

“Ok… good.” Connor had worried for nothing, it sounded worse in his head than it probably was.

Connor kneeled in the bed before lying down while they were still holding onto each other like they were glued together.

Connor lay on his back and Jude had his head and arm covering his chest and shoulder. Connor didn’t try to but he still found it a bit strange that he didn’t feel anything when their chests were pretty much pressed together.

Connor took up his phone. He took a few deep breaths. He even thought about calling Mia instead of Adam because of… well he knew how Adam would get, but it was more likely that Adam would allow it than Mia so… Adam it had to be.

“Nervous?” Jude could tell.

“Umm… it’s just. You know how he is and I… I really want to stay.”

Jude wanted nothing more than to kiss Connor now but… somehow he didn’t dare to. Connor had held onto him, had whispered the most kind things in his ear and had even kissed his hair and cheeks but still… Jude didn’t feel good enough for Connor to risk anything.

“Thank you for asking… it’s all you can do.”

Another deep inhale and Connor called Adam.

“Hey son, finally. I was starting to run out of re-runs of Iron Chef.”

Connor gave a courtesy laugh, still nervous about what’s to come.

“Hi dad, umm yeah… sorry.”

”It’s too late for you to take the bike, I’m picking you up. Are you at Jude’s?”

Connor bit his lip.

”Yeah… yeah I am…”

”Ok I’ll call when I ge-.”

Adam didn’t get to say more than that before Connor interrupted him.

“Dad I was thinking… Could I spend the night here?”

Silence.

“What?” It wasn’t that Adam hadn’t heard him, he was only buying time.

“It’s just kind of late and both me and Jude are tired and-.”

“I don’t know son.”

“Please dad… Jude need-…. I need this.”

Adam kept pacing around the living room trying to think.

“Is Jude fine with this?”

“Ye-yes. He asked me to… stay.”

Connor looked over and was met by a shy smile from Jude. Jude lay so close to Connor so he heard every word Connor and Adam said, he found himself to be more worried than he thought he would be over Adam saying no.

A few more moments of silence before Adam spoke again.

“Let me talk to him.”

“Wh-what?”

“You heard me, let me talk to Jude.”

“Umm…” Connor sure as hell didn’t like the sound of that and honestly, neither did Jude. Still, Jude nodded slowly at Connor who even more slowly handed over the phone to Jude.

“He-hello?”

“Hey Jude, it’s Adam.”

“Yeah…”

Jude cleared his throat, he didn’t want Adam to hear how fragile he was.

“Yeah I know. Hi, Adam.”

“How are you feeling?”

Jude found the question a rather strange one.

“Umm… I’m ok.” Not entirely true but this was not the time and place.

“Ok… good. That’s good. So… Connor just asked me if he could stay over at your house.”

Jude forced down saliva he hadn’t voluntarily built up.

“He’s not pushing you is he?”

Jude needed a moment to even process what Adam was saying.

“Wh-? N-no.”

“You sure?”

“Ye-yes.”

“You want him to stay the night?”

“Yes.”

Adam sighed.

“I’m not even going to do the whole separate beds speech because I kind of figure you don’t want to lie to me.”

Jude smiled at Adam’s easy-going tone before it changed into a more serious one.

“I trust you Jude.”

Connor witnessed the whole conversation without hearing what was said. He had most likely not taken a breath as he tried to gauge Jude’s reactions to whatever horrible and embarrassing things Adam was saying.

“I trust you… that doesn’t mean I expect you two to not… or that you should…”

Adam took a moment and Jude started to get beyond uncomfortable.

“Just don’t do anything before you are ready. Ok?”

“Ok.” Jude more squealed than talked while closing his eyes. This conversation had to end. Soon. When he opened them again Connor mouthed to him that he wanted to know what his father was saying, he could tell from Jude that it was bad.

“You have condoms right?”

“Oh god…” Jude blurted out by reflex while exhaling, He needed to put one hand against his forehead before rubbing his eye balls.

“What?” Connor said quietly, intended just for Jude to hear.

Jude responded to Adam’s unanswered question.

“No… but Adam we’re… we’re not having… sex.”

Connor’s got wide eyes and he nearly screamed.

“What?!”

Connor took the phone from Jude, not a second too soon if you asked Jude.

“What is wrong with you!?”

“What I was just try-.”

“I can’t even with you right now dad. Can I spend the night?”

“Yes but-.”

“Good. Thank you. See you tomorrow.”

Connor hung up the phone.

Connor lay back on top of Jude’s comforter, still only wearing his jeans. Jude, also shirtless, lay on Connor’s arm and shoulder in a way that his torso was covered.

After a few minutes of awkward silence Connor broke it.

“I’m sorry Jude… he… he is sick in the head.”

Jude giggled and by doing so Connor snickered.

“I can’t believe your dad tried to have like… _the talk_ with me or something.”

“Trust me Jude. I can’t either...”

Connor thought about it for a moment.

“Well actually I kind of can, but still he shouldn’t have.”

Connor’s phone buzzed so he picked it up with the hand that wasn’t busy holding onto Jude.

He read it before showing it to Jude.

_“I don’t think anyone can care more than I do, about the both of you. Didn’t mean to upset you but sometimes I have to be a father too. I love you. Tell Jude we’ve missed him a lot. /Dad”_

Jude smiled at Connor who put down his phone again.

“Your dad is the nicest person I’ve ever met-.”

Connor interrupted him by clearing his throat loudly, causing Jude to smile widely.

“After you… I meant to say that if you’d let me finish. Dork.”

Connor laughed and Jude loved the way it made his chest move with Jude’s hand resting upon it. They lay there for a long time, both of them thinking about the crazy night that had been. Connor had a lot of questions but he didn’t want to risk ending this intimate moment with Jude clamming up. Something else started to make the current… situation unbearable for Connor.

“Jude I really really really don’t want to leave this bed but I have to pee like you can’t believe it.”

Jude exhaled loudly.

“Oh god I’ve been holding it in for at least an hour.”

Connor snickered and told him to go first. Jude withdraw from Connor’s embrace. Connor noticed that Jude made an effort not showing him his back as he walked towards his closet. Connor didn’t look but at the corner of his eyes he saw Jude still covering up as much as possible of his upper body before putting on a t-shirt.

Jude smiled apologetically before going to the bathroom. After a few minutes he returned, Connor was still lying on top of his bed shirtless with his hands behind his head. Jude looked at him because… well because he’s human. He shook his head.

“Aren’t you… didn’t you like… need to go… badly?”

Connor looked confused before sitting up.

“Umm yeah?”

“Aren’t your… stomach supposed to be… I don’t know, bloated or something?”

“It is bloated. Look.” Connor tried to grab on to his skin on his firm stomach, barely able to do so.

Jude shook his head again before telling Connor jokingly.

“Just go.”

Connor came back after a while, asking Jude casually.

“Hey can I borrow your toothbrush? I kind of didn’t… plan this you know.”

Jude nodded, perhaps a little to eagerly. He couldn’t say why but he liked that. Connor using his toothbrush. He told himself not to tell Connor that, he would probably think it’s weird.

Jude started to prepare the bed when he got to thinking that he hadn’t even considered that Connor perhaps didn’t want to sleep in the same bed as he did. He started to freak out when Connor returned smiling.

“So we’re finally going to see if we _easily fit together in your tiny bed even though it’s made for one_.” Connor said the last part jokingly imitating his famous words from when they had just met. Jude snickered, partly from it being a bit funny but mostly from that Connor had planned to sleep in the same bed. Connor must have noticed that Jude had seemed a bit out of it.

“If… Oh my god I’m sorry Jude. I can sleep on the couch if you want. I didn’t…”

“No… no.” Jude shook his head while laying the comforter at the end of the bed.

“I want you as close as possible.”

Connor sighed from relief. It took several seconds but then he chuckled before getting a hold of himself.

“What?” Jude raised his brow.

“No nothing… just a bad joke. Dad’s fault. Bad influence.”

Jude gave him a polite smile. He hated that the first thing his mind went to was that Connor laughed at him for some reason. Connor noticed because he was perfect, Jude should have known better.

“Hey it’s just… It’s a very very lame and inappropriate ‘joke’ my dad always tells.”

Jude sat down on his bed and nodded at Connor.

“It’s okay.”

Connor sighed and sat down on the other side of the bed. He talks as fast as possible to get the embarrassment over with.

“He says it to embarrass me. And it works every time. Always if he and mom lie on the couch spooning he says something like there’s only one way to get closer now and he doesn’t know if they could handle another kid.”

Jude snickered. He could imagine Adam saying something like that. Connor got happy seeing Jude relaxing some, it had been the right thing to do to tell him. Jude sat with his back turned and Connor sat on his side. Jude got anxious again. Perhaps this sleeping together thing wasn’t such a good idea after all.

“Umm… I… I usually sleep in my boxers and in a t-shirt.” Jude lied and instantly regretted it.

“Okay… As long as you’re comfortable.”

“Thanks… So how do you… sleep? I don’t know if I have clothes that fit if you…”

“I sleep in my underwear.” Connor also lied but he didn’t regret it as much.

“If that’s ok?” He quickly added.

Jude stood up and unbuttoned his jeans, he turned around and nodded at Connor. It was very ok. Connor tried to be a gentleman, he really did. That was his story anyway but as Jude pulled down his pants Connor did take a glance before looking away.

_God. Damn._

Connor reminded himself not to do that again, it could get very awkward.

Jude lay down and covered his thin legs and underwear with the comforter. It wasn’t as much as Jude was a gentleman as it was he being super nervous when Connor unbuttoned his jeans that made him look away. Connor lay down and Jude’s body felt electrified by the warmth of Connor’s leg brushing against his own.

Jude and Connor lay on their back side-by-side in Jude’s bed. They looked up in the ceiling feeling nervous for some reason, neither one of them knew what to say. The room was dark apart from a soft light being on in Jude’s window.

“I… I lied.” Jude said.

Connor looked over at Jude who still was looking up.

“About what?”

“I don’t usually sleep in my shirt. I’m sorry.”

Connor laughed slightly before looking back at the ceiling.

“I don’t usually sleep in my underwear.”

Jude snickered.

“Why am I not surprised hearing that Connor Stevens?”

Connor got warm and smiled, Jude saying his name like that always did the trick.

Jude looked over and he couldn’t stay away any longer.

“Can I… can I you know… like before?”

Jude smiled seeing Connor’s facial expression. It told him that he was an idiot for even asking.

Jude lay down on Connor’ side with his head in the crook of Connor’s neck and his chin resting on Connor’s chest. Jude put his arm over his own chest, keeping his chest from pressing against Connor. Connor put the arm that Jude lay on around him and the free arm caressed Jude’s shoulder. After a few moments Jude started to move the arm he kept between him and Connor, trying to lie in a more comfortable position.

“You don’t have to keep it between us. I don’t care if I… feel your chest you know?” Connor read him like he always did. Jude didn’t respond. He felt stupid but he wasn’t too hard on himself, old habits don’t go away just like that.

He pulled his arm from in-between them and put it on Connor’s chest, just above Connor’s nipple. What made him crack a joke he really didn’t know, perhaps he was just nervous.

“God your tits are like ten times the size of mine.”

Connor laughed and once again Jude felt an incredible warmth lying on top of Connor as he was doing so. They lay like that for a while, breathing in unison. Jude didn’t want to go to sleep because what if waking up meant that something would change from… whatever this was. Jude didn’t even know but he knew it was perfect. Right now, everything was exactly as it should be.

“Hey Connor…”

Jude had to check that Connor wasn’t drifting off to sleep.

“Yeah?”

Connor didn’t want to sleep either but he didn’t know what to say, he wanted Jude to be comfortable first.

“We haven’t really talked about something…”

Connor tensed up, he hoped it wasn’t something bad. Jude on the other hand had to bite his lip.

“Ok… what?”

“We need to… you know, figure out who’s the top and who’s the bottom.”

Jude couldn’t help laughing at himself, he was surely one of the funniest persons in at least California.

Connor gave a nervous laugh.

“Yeah… heh.”

Jude froze. He lifted his head and looked at his boyfriend.

“You are kidding me right?”

“What?” Connor seemed utterly clueless.

“You know what I mean by top and bottom, right?”

Connor gulped.

“Yeah… sure… Of course.”

Jude kept looking him in the eyes before bursting into laughter.

“You are unbelievable!”

Connor took a swing.

“It’s who’s lying on top of the other one while cuddling. I think it should be you as you’re you know… smaller.” Obviously it was a miss.

Jude lay down on Connor’s chest, still snickering.

“That’s not… that’s not what it means Connor.” After a moment he continued.

“You are so clueless sometimes but boy do I love you…”

Perhaps Connor could have been offended but Jude’s warm tone made it clear he shouldn’t. He already knew he sometimes didn’t get references that others did.

“Hey tell me then Mr. All-knowing.”

“Some… some other time. Just know that it was a very funny joke.”

Connor took up his phone, Jude tried to protest but Connor wouldn’t have it. The boys laughed some before Connor managed to use google with one hand while keeping Jude away with the other.

Jude could tell the moment when Connor read the Wikipedia-page or something like that, Connor was still as he could not for the life of him concentrate on doing two things at the same time, Jude had noticed.

Connor chuckled.

“See… it _was_ funny.”

“Yeah… yeah it was. Sorry for ruining it.”

After his laughter had subsided Connor started stroking Jude’s cheek. Jude didn’t flinch. Connor had really tried to give Jude as much time as possible but it wasn’t possible any longer. Having him so close, feeling so much of his skin against his, there simply was no way.

“Jude…”

Jude hummed in confirmation.

“Can I… can we… kiss?”

Jude didn’t react right away. Not that he needed to think twice over if he wanted to or not but it just felt… significant. They hadn’t kissed for some time and it was always those times that Jude’s mind went blank. What if it wouldn’t be the same this time?

“Jude?”

Jude pulled up from Connor’s chest and looked his in the eyes. Connor must have seen the fear in them.

“Hey… I’ve known a long time. Remember. I want to kiss my boyfriend… I want to kiss him very fucking much.”

Jude laughed at the perfect boy that was his boyfriend. Yes, he was unreal but as Jude had already concluded he just seem to have to accept that.

With his free hand he pulled the comforter up so that Connor’s white briefs were covered. Jude had waited with that because… of reasons.

“Probably for the best I figured.” Jude smirked.

Connor blushed as he smiled at Jude.

“Probably.”

Connor put one hand behind Jude’s neck, burrowing it in the soft dark brown hair. He gently pulled Jude closer to him.

Jude closed his eyes and parted his lips as they made contact with Connor’s. Jude moaned and so did Connor as Jude instantly focused on Connor thicker bottom lip. If they intended their kiss to be romantically chaste they failed miserably. After about 1.5 seconds their tongues were desperately seeking each other. Jude had missed kissing Connor more than he knew, still it was Connor that had to break away slightly. Their lips were still touching when Connor spoke.

“God I’ve missed your lips.”

Connor barely had time to finish the sentence before Jude was back at kissing him. Jude kept moaning as they deepened the kiss, lips and tongues not able to get enough of each other’s. Jude’s free hand was touching Connor’s chest and as the palm of his hand involuntarily or not touched Connor’s nipple Connor had to break away again.

Both of them were panting heavily.

“Sorry.” Jude managed to get out after a moment.

“I didn’t mean to.” Jude didn’t even know if he was telling the truth or not. Everything felt kind of… blurry.

“It’s… it’s ok. I just…” Connor was still panting.

Jude leaned forward and pecked Connor’s lips again before lying down with his chin on Connor’s chest again.

“Sorry I… got… carried away.” Jude apologized again.

“Jude it was… it was amazing. Please don’t apologize. I’m just…” Connor took a deep breath before continuing.

“I’m just… trying not to get a heart attack or something.”

Both of them laughed slightly while getting their breathing back to normal.

Connor was still holding onto Jude, playing with his hair, when Jude broke the silence after a few minutes of them just listening to each other’s heartbeats.

“So I… I guess you have some questions for me…”

Connor gulped. He did but…

“Yeah but… I can wait, ‘til you’re ready.”

Jude should have been scared. He should have been terrified over what Connor would say about… everything. But… Jude wasn’t. All the bad… all the horrible things associated by… this… all the darkness that always consumed him when he thought about it on his own. All of that, gone. It was gone in the presence of Connor. It was like the light of Connor just devoured it all and Jude felt safe. Unreal.

“I’m ready. I… I want you to know.” _At least some…_

Connor smiled slightly before returning to a more neutral expression.

“Tell me… tell me what you want me to know. I’ll listen… and ask.”

Jude nodded. His hand searched for Connor’s intertwining their fingers when he found it.

“When did you… you know, know?” Connor had always wondered that.

“I’ve always known. It’s… I can’t remember anything else. Callie… my sister, she told me that I didn’t even know I was born… different until I saw the neighbor’s son peeing outside. We were both around 4 at the time.”

“And you saw…”

“The thingie.”

Jude was silent for a while, Connor never stopped stroking him or playing with his hair.

“I don’t really remember much from my parent’s but Callie has said that they were… I don’t know supportive. My mom more than my dad. I can’t remember dad talking about it but I remember… mom. Not long before she died-”

Jude choke up at the end. Connor hugged him even tighter.

“She… she took me to a doctor. A good doctor. When I was about four and a half. It’s really rare, I’ve looked it up, to get the… diagnosis as it was called then, when you are that young but I… I did.”

Jude took a breath. He felt safe but he… wanted to tell it right and he didn’t exactly have that much experience telling his story.

“They usually wait until later but I’ve read the files and the doctor wrote that he had never come across a more obvious case of… GID before.”

Connor didn’t say anything. Jude went quiet.

“Aren’t you gonna ask me what it means?

Connor bit his lip.

“I… know what it means.”

“Ho-how?” Jude sounded surprised, which he was.

“When I… suspected it I, I googled… a lot. To learn more.”

Jude gulped. He didn’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry but I just… I didn’t want to be as clueless as I always am. I wanted to know more about what you were… are… going through.”

Jude closed his eyes. Never in a million years would he found someone like Connor, this he knew.

Jude whispered, he didn’t know why but he felt ashamed to say it out loud.

“Gender identity disorder…”

Connor nodded and placed a soft kiss on top of Jude’s head. He had heard it in Jude’s tone.

Connor had a question.

“How did you… you know, get the files?”

“A… a friend helped me get them.”

Connor hesitated, he didn’t want to upset him and he didn’t know if saying this would.

“The… man from the beach?”

Jude forced down saliva and nodded. No more questions on the subject tonight.

After a few minutes, when Jude was ready, he continued.

“My mom was smart. She knew the earlier I got the diagnosis the earlier I could start the… treatment.”

Jude sighed.

“When she died… when they died it got harder. Callie… Callie didn’t like… it. It was hard to get a foster home because of it but I. I just couldn’t pretend, even when she screamed and cried I never once even really considered it. I’ve always been a boy and if I… If I’m not that I’m not anything.”

Connor listened as Jude continued.

“I started to get puberty… puberty blockers before I was 11, which is... rare.”

“After you… moved in here?” Connor sounded a bit surprised, Jude understood why.

“Yes it’s… part of the… deal.” Jude sniffled.

“Deal…?”

Jude didn’t want to talk about _him_ but he knew that Connor had to know. It was of course crucial information.

“He… he is paid a lot of money to foster me. The state gives him _reimbursements_ as it’s called… And because I am… I am who I am it’s way more than he would get otherwise.”

He pauses a moment.

“That’s why he… keeps me alive.”

Connor had a million questions but Jude went on, clearly not wanting to talk more about him.

“And when I turned 15 I started to get testosterone. They didn’t want to because… because I was so thin and I… yeah. But I… yeah.”

Connor’s mind raced but he let Jude continue.

“And when I turn 18… I can get corrected.”

“When’s that?”

“513 days.” Jude said, not having to think twice.

After a moment of silence Jude sighed.

“I know I won’t get corrected on _that day_ but… hopefully not long after…”

Jude looked up at Connor and Connor saw that Jude was crying even though he hadn’t noticed it when he spoke.

“Hey… thank you. For telling me all this. I know this is the short version but I’m glad… I’m proud you told me.”

Connor leaned down and Jude met him half-way in a close-lipped kiss.

When he receded back Connor said.

“But Jude… Jude you can’t stay here with… him. You know that right?”

Jude wished there was another way but… he didn’t see it.

“I don’t have a choice Connor… he… he’ll kill me if I talk or if I try to run or if-”

“We’ll go to the police. You show them your… scars.”

“No he’s… he’s thought of that.”

Jude spoke fast so he could get it all out without breaking down thinking about it.

“When he-he… cut me. He… he got me telling the doctors I did it to my-myself.”

Connor wanted to object but Jude went on.

“Apparently no one questions a… someone like me hurting myself, no matter the… wounds.”

Jude sniffled.

“So he got on record that my wounds are self-inflicted and he… if I ever tell anyone he’ll tell everyone… he’ll make sure the whole school knows about me.” That’s how long Jude got before he started to cry again.

“Th-they’ll kill me Connor. Y-you know they will.”

Connor held onto him tightly. Comforting Jude was paramount. Coming up with a way of getting Jude out of this house was going to occupy his mind for as long as it took. Jude hadn’t told him everything, this he knew, but it wasn’t the right time to push him.

“Don’t cry…” Connor kept repeating the words while rocking him on his chest. It took a good ten minutes but finally Jude came back to him.

“What time is it?”

Connor looked at his phone as Jude’s wall clock was blocked from where he was lying.

“Shit. It’s almost five.”

“Sorry for keeping you up.”

“Best night of my life.” The way Connor said it didn’t leave Jude unknowing if Connor was telling the truth or not.

Jude sat up in his bed and yawned. Connor couldn’t help but smile. A yawn shouldn’t be adorable like that but on Jude it most certainly was.

 “I… I always sleep on my side… this way.”

Jude turned around with his back against Connor.

“Can you hold me until I go to sleep?”

Jude said in a low pleading voice. Connor had a really difficult time deciding if that was something he wanted to do. No, of course he hadn’t.

He lay on his side and scooted closer to Jude.

“Can I… can I hold your… side?”

Jude nodded reached back for Connor’s hand and guided it to his hip.

“Umm… wait a minute.” Connor said before reaching for a smaller pillow. He put in in-between his legs before spooning Jude. Jude ignored the sharp pain in his back as it only lasted a few seconds before Connor’s body rested firmly against his own, only the small pillow separating Jude’s bum from Connor.

Jude bit his lip. He couldn’t resist.

“What’s the pillow for?”

“You know what it’s for smartass.”

Jude snickered.

“Goodnight Connor.”

“Goodnight Jude.”

After they started breathing together Connor spoke again.

“Hey Jude… can you promise me one thing?”

“What?”

“That… that you’ll fight for us. Because I… I will fight for us.”

Jude gulped, not that he didn’t know the answer but being so sure of the answer did surprise him, knowing full well what it meant to Connor.

“Yes… I promise. I’ll fight for us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up: "Chapter 67: Playing with Fire"
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr


	67. Playing with Fire

Connor slowly opens his eyes. The room is pretty dark but the shutters are still closed so he has no idea what time it is. He’s lying in Jude’s bed with his hand still on Jude’s hip. Jude is lying in the same position like he did when they went to sleep. Connor seems to have shifted some as their bodies aren’t pressed to each other’s but they’re still close.

Connor closes the distance and spoons Jude once again. He puts his nose in Jude’s hair and smells it just like he did last night. Connor still has the small pillow between his legs and it was a good thing he planned ahead because his body did what it always did when it woke up.

He inhales again and the smell of Jude makes him smile. It hadn’t taken long for Jude to fall asleep, Connor was also very tired but he waited until Jude had fallen asleep until he let himself do the same. Jude had only twitched some a few times in the beginning but apart from that he had slept like a baby.

Connor thought about the night before and he smiled even wider. Everything had gone even better than he could possibly imagine. Even in the best case scenario he figured it would take a long time before Jude would be comfortable with him touching him in any way. Now here he was, Jude had asked him to spend the night and wanted him to hold him during it. There was still much to talk about, Connor knew, but he wasn’t all that worried anymore. Whatever life would throw at them, Connor could make sure that nothing would stand in their way.

Connor gulped as his mind wandered. Is it supposed to feel like this, already? Is it always like this for all who are in love? Connor knows… he just knows that he wants Jude and no one else but Jude for the rest of his life. He knew from that day in the cafeteria, his body and mind told him right away that there he is. Is it always like this? What if Jude doesn’t feel the same? What if he will find someone else, someone smarter, someone who gets him, someone who can say the right words when Jude needs him to?

He pushes his insecurities aside and when he smells Jude’s hair again he forgets all about it. He’s going to make sure that Jude will choose him every day. Unknowingly Connor had started to rub his thumb against Jude’s hip and for a second it slipped under his t-shirt and he felt his naked skin. Connor got a warm feeling but decided to keep his hand still, resting on the hip covered by Jude’s boxer shorts.

Jude’s body starts to move some and he lets out low sounds. Connor kisses the back of Jude’s head before he lifts himself up on his elbow to look at Jude as he awakes.

Jude makes another adorable moaning sound which causes Connor to laugh slightly. Jude turns over so he lays on his back as he stretches his entire body. Slowly the dark haired boy opens his eyes. When Jude’s eyes meet Connor’s Jude smiles while he continues to groan and stretch his body. Connor has to bite his lower lip when Jude’s eyes start to glister. _Keep it cool Connor…_

“Good morning…” Connor says in a low voice.

“Good morning…” Jude replies, still smiling widely.

They look at each other and just smile for a few moments before Connor can’t help starting to snicker. He is joined by Jude within seconds.

Jude reaches out and caresses Connor’s cheek with his hand. Connor takes the hand and kisses it softly before letting it continue touching his face.

Jude exhales before speaking in a soft low voice.

“I can’t believe this is happening… You have no idea Connor…”

“Me neither…”

“No but you don’t understand. This… this is… this doesn’t happen to me. I… I wasn’t dreaming about last night was I?” Jude’s expression went from a loving one to one of worry as he continued talking.

“No, you weren’t.”

“I told you?”

“Yes.”

“You know about… me?”

Connor snickered.

“Yes, I know about you. I know we don’t need to have the top bottom discussion for at least… 512 days.”

It took a second before Jude remembered it but when he did his face lit up and he started laughing, it still was the best sound that Connor had ever heard.

They looked at each other for a few moments without talking. Jude sighed and slowly shook his head.

“I love you…”

“I love you too.”

Jude smiled again, his glistering eyes on the verge of making Connor overly emotional.

“What time is it?” Jude wondered.

”Umm… I don’t know. I can check. I need to go to the bathroom so.”

“Okay… I’m going to look, just so you know.”

Connor chuckled as he got out from under the comforter.

“Fair enough.”

Jude did good on his promise and watched the back of Connor’s white briefs make their way to the bathroom. The rest of Connor’s body was probably also heading there but Jude wasn’t sure. Jude leaned over and smelled the pillow that Connor had slept on. His side of the bed was so warm and Jude was seriously considering never leaving this bed for the rest of the day.

Jude lay on his back on the middle of the bed when Connor returned from the bathroom. Jude couldn’t help it when he with wide eyes witnessed Connor going up to the bed in only his underwear, Jude let out a sort of pathetic moaning sound.

“Connor you just can’t.”

“What?” Connor smirked, he wasn’t completely oblivious as he saw the way Jude looked at him.

Jude sighed.

“You can’t look like that.”

Connor laughed slightly as he got back in bed but he lay on top of the comforter, resting on his elbow as he leans over Jude and kisses his forehead.

“What is the time?”

“It’s 11.”

“Ok, could have been worse.”

Jude yawned before he asked Connor.

“Wanna cuddle some more?”

Connor smiled wide.

“You bet.”

Jude laughed and lay on his side again.

“I liked it when you held me from behind.”

“Me too.” Connor said and got under the comforter and moved in to spoon Jude.

“No pillow?” Jude said with a teasing smile.

“I think it will be ok as long as we don’t kiss.”

Jude snickered softly but he had to repress making a sound as Connor closed the distance and their bodies were glued to each other. Connor bit his lip, their position felt twice as intimate without the pillow separating them.

“You ok?” Connor asked after a while as Jude hadn’t said anything.

“Yeah… you’re so warm. It feels so… I like it.”

Connor smiled and kissed Jude’s hair again.

“You really like my hair don’t you?”

Connor chuckled before he kissed it again before inhaling with his nose pressed against it.

“Yeah I love it. It smells incredible.”

Both of them laughed slightly, Jude closed his eyes feeling nothing but safe.

“You really like looking at me in my briefs don’t you?” Connor couldn’t resist, Jude couldn’t have all of the teasing.

Jude tried to sound offended by gasping dramatically, without any greater success. After a moment he confessed. Kind of.

“Maybe. I admit they have a nice color.”

Connor smiled against the back of Jude’s head.

“Oh so it was only the color you liked?”

Jude giggled.

 

They lay in a comfortable silence for a while. Jude knew Connor had many more questions but before that he had one of his own.

“Connor?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I… can I ask you something?”

“Of course. Anything.”

Jude bit his lip and hesitated for a moment.

“You don’t have to answer but… have you… you know… had… sex?”

Jude gulped and didn’t make a sound. He had thought about it a few times, he knew Connor had a girlfriend before and according to Adam Connor had been… sexual for some time. Not that it mattered but he was curious.

Connor didn’t expect Jude to ask _that_ question but of course he had no problems being honest about it.

“Umm… no. No, never.”

Jude didn’t know why but he instinctively smiled hearing Connor say that. He felt stupid over it and tried repressing it.

“Have you?” Connor knew the answer to that question but he guessed it was the right thing to ask.

Jude snickered.

“Stop being so nice to me all the time. You know I haven’t.”

“I didn’t know-know.”

Jude thought it over. Perhaps it was too early but lying here with Connor, everything just felt… right. Safe. Perhaps it was years and years without having anyone to talk to that made him open up.

“I’ve never… liked it about myself… you know. Down there.”

Connor listened, he had read that it was common for those born into the wrong body to almost feel disgusted by what reminded them of what nature got wrong. He kissed Jude’s hair and held him a little tighter.

Suddenly Jude chuckled.

“In fact… I…”

He blushed and stopped talking.

“What?” Connor said.

“No… nothing.”

Connor pinched Jude’s hip playfully to which Jude shrieked and laughed. Connor made a mental note to use that trick again. So he did.

“Okay okay I’ll tell you.”

When Jude got a hold of himself he took another moment.

“I hadn’t even… you know, with myself… until recently.”

Connor was surprised, he really was.

“Oh? Okay… Is it… I don’t know, weird for you?”

“Yeah… it feels… strange. Especially you know… afterwards.”

“I can understand that.”

A few moments of silence. Jude felt good, being able to talk about it and Connor felt proud that Jude was so open and willing to talk. Connor only wished Jude would continue like this, but he knew there probably were going to be some setback at some point.

“When was the first time?”

Jude smiled and blushed. He was very grateful that he had his back turned against Connor.

“Jude?”

“Umm…”

“Do I have to pinch my boyfriend again?”

“No… no. Umm… it was about… two months ago.”

“Oh.”

Jude waited. He could feel Connor starting to smile as his mouth was pressed against the back of his head. Jude waited for Connor, he knew some sort of comment was incoming.

“So what made you start?”

“I don’t know…”

“Okay…”

Jude couldn’t help smiling at the dork lying behind him.

“I can _hear_ you smiling Connor.”

“What? No you must be mistaken.”

“You can barely hold back your laughter.”

Connor started to chuckle, it had been difficult to restrain. Jude snickered before he got a little bit more serious.

“It was after I got my injection. I get them once a month and my body acts… Well I get kind of…”

“Excited?”

“Yeah… excited.”

“I’ve read about that. Testosterone shots can have that effect for a few days.” Connor said matter-of-factly.

Jude reached back with his hand and put it behind Connor’s neck and squeezed it softly.

“You are amazing… have I told you that?”

Connor kissed him again.

 

They lie in silence a while before Connor says.

“I like this… talking to you about things. Have you noticed we can almost talk without stuttering?”

Jude laughed softly.

“Yeah… who would have known? And I… I like talking to you too. Very much…”

Jude hesitated but he wanted to show Connor, he didn’t know why but he did. He remembers how happy he was when he saw it and he wanted Connor to see. There was one problem though… a big one, that’s why he hesitated. He thought it over before deciding.

“Connor, can I show you something?”

“Of course babe.”

Jude almost threw his head around and beamed at Connor who was already blushing over the slipped out word.

“Did you just…?”

Connor looked away, face red but with a smile on it.

“Sorry…”

Jude didn’t let Connor get away. He looked at him with the widest smile he could muster until Connor finally met his eyes again.

“I love you Connor.”

“And I love you Jude.”

A few more moments of them just smiling at each other like idiots before Jude remembered. Jude shifts so that he lays down on his back with Connor still on his side turned towards Jude.

Jude pulls down the comforter. He waits a moment, suddenly he feels kind of stupid looking down at his own body. Connor notices his shifting expression.

“Umm…” Jude’s having second thoughts.

Connor puts his hand on Jude’s hand that rests on his own hip. Connor squeezes it trying to encourage him.

“It’s stupid…” Jude avoids looking at Connor.

“Hey, I don’t care if it’s stupid. I want to see… babe.”

Jude can’t for the life of him stop the smile creeping up on his face. He looks over at Connor who’s looking at him fondly. Jude looks back down and puts his hands on the hem of his t-shirt.

“It’s nothing really but… you… I know I don’t look very manly so I just… I just got happy over this… but it’s stupid.”

Connor could tell it was anything but stupid. Whatever it was it was really important to Jude and that meant it was important to Connor.

“So I’ve taken the… injections for almost two years and... well they haven’t done as much to my body as they sometimes do… but…” Connor listened to Jude struggling with what words to use, but he got the message.

Jude got a flash from the day he saw it. It happened not 5 months ago during summer. It was the only good memory from that summer but it was a strong one. He had become so happy that he’d cried of happiness for over an hour.

“I know you’ve already seen my… stomach but I don’t think you saw this as it was so dark.” Jude gulped and took a deep breath.

“And Connor… try to… try to not think about the… cuts.”

Connor nodded at Jude and Jude nodded back before he started raising his shirt. When the shirt reached the edge of his boxers he stopped for a moment before he raised it slowly up until just above his belly button.

Connor smiled despite seeing the massive amount of cuts on Jude’s pale skin, this was not about that. Connor instantly knew why this was important for Jude.

“Oh my god Jude, congrats!”

Connor placed a kiss on Jude’s lips and Jude’s nervous and cautious expression turned into a huge grin.

“Can I touch it?”

Jude nodded eagerly.

Connor let his fingers trace the dark hair that was Jude’s happy trail going from his belly button down to his boxers. He ignored the scarring that could be felt on two separate occasions. He looked up at Jude and Jude’s smile melted his heart.

“It’s thicker than mine you know.”

Jude laughed before pulling down his shirt again.

“I know it’s stupid…”

“It’s not stupid. It’s… you know… visual evidence that it’s working, that you’re being… corrected.”

Jude nodded, still smiling.

“Thank you for showing me.”

“No problem.”

Jude felt so happy and carefree. He thought about it. If this was the happiest he’s ever been. All moments that competed for the spot belonged to Connor so it probably wasn’t all that important. He looked up and met Connor’s eyes. They looked at each other and as had happened many times before Jude became breathless from the beauty that was his Connor.

Connor didn’t have any words. He couldn’t take his eyes off Jude. He knew this happened often but still, the warm feeling it brought to him was nothing he could ever explain in words. Looking at Jude’s perfect face lying back smiling at him with his eyes sparkling at him. Connor doesn’t know if he’s ever been so attracted to Jude. His eyes got distracted looking down at Jude’s lips that just had been licked wet by Jude’s tongue.

Jude remembered the last time they had kissed. Jude had got carried away and he felt a bit worried that Connor thought he had been to forward. If Jude could read Connor’s mind he would know he worried for nothing.

Connor couldn’t wait any longer, he couldn’t resist it no more. He moved his hand slowly towards Jude’s cheek, never breaking eye-contact. After he’d caressed Jude’s cheek for a moment he leaned down towards him. Jude’s breathing ceased when Connor’s lips made contact with his. Jude made an effort to restrain himself from deepening the kiss.

Connor made that impossible though. Connor moaned loudly and instantly licked on Jude’s lips, demanding access. Jude was proud of himself, he resisted for at least three seconds which was a personal record. It didn’t take long before they were full on making out, with Connor leaning over Jude that still lay on his back. Jude gave away soft moans as Connor’s lips moved passionately over his own.

Connor moved his hand from Jude’s cheek down to his hip and started stroking his side with his thumb. It was Jude’s time to get lightheaded, having Connor's tongue tasting him while his hand massaged his side was too much for his brain to process but he couldn’t stop, he needed more.

Jude started to raise his arm that lay on the opposite side of Connor, he wanted to feel Connor’s body but he settled for putting it on the arm belonging to the hand that moved against his hip. Connor shifted even closer, his side all but pressed against Jude. They alternated sucking and licking on each other’s upper and lower lips, just taking very brief gasps for air.

Connor thumb that still stroked against his hip found its way under Jude’s shirt and gently touched the naked skin underneath a few times giving Jude a tingling sensation in his stomach.

After they had made out for several minutes Jude even thought about breaking their kiss, which had almost never happened before, he really didn’t know how much longer he could take this. In that moment Connor broke their kiss but only barely. Their lips still grasped against each other’s. They both panted and gasped for air.

“I-I-I… love you so much Jude.”

“I-I love you too… you drive me crazy.”

Connor smiled and started kissing the side of Jude’s mouth before continuing planting kisses over his cheek and down his jawline. When Connor continued down and started planting kisses on his neck Jude couldn’t hold back his moans and his hand was drawn towards Connor’s hair.

Connor kept kissing Jude’s neck and when he started sucking lightly and licking at the skin Jude shivered. If Connor hadn’t had his hand on his hip they would probably lift from the bed.

Connor was completely gone tasting the salty skin on his neck and smelling Jude’s cologne. Every time he kissed a new place he could feel Jude’s body shaking while Jude gave out encouraging moans.

Both of them were aware that this was the furthest they had gone and that they should probably stop but no one really wanted to do that. Connor wanted to touch more of Jude’s body than the few inches his thumb could reach but he didn’t know how comfortable Jude was with that so he took another action.

Connor stopped stroking Jude’s hip and took his hand and placed it on Jude’s hand that was currently intertwined in Connor’s hair. Slowly he guided Jude’s hand until he put it on his chest, just above his nipple, hoping that Jude would get the message.

When Jude’s hand hadn’t moved for a minute, because Jude didn’t dare to, Connor slowly pulled it down until the palm of Jude’s hand covered Connor’s nipple. Jude gasped from the action which caused Connor to smirk while still kissing Jude’s neck.

When Connor kissed his way back up Jude’s face, over his jawline and up to his lips, Jude couldn’t help himself. His fingers traveled slowly downwards inch by inch until they found Connor’s nipple. A few seconds hesitation before Connor’s tongue against his own convinced him to go on. Connor moaned loudly as Jude’s fingers started caressing the sensitive spot. Jude’s head was swimming and soon his gentle touches turned into him softly pinching it instead making Connor give out one of the best sounds he’d ever heard.

Connor was going crazy and without thinking he put his hand under Jude’s shirt intending to stroke his stomach and feel more of Jude. Jude wasn’t prepared causing him to break the kiss, pulling back his hand from Connor’s chest and opening his eyes.

“Oh I’m sorry Jude!” Connor looked devastated, which was quite the contrast from the prior moment.

Jude was gasping and trying to pull himself together. He wasn’t freaking out over Connor’s touch, he’d just been startled, but his head was blank from their activities.

“It’s… it’s alright… Not your fault.” Jude managed to say in-between taking breaths.

Connor exhaled, feeling a bit calmer. He noticed he was sweating and so was Jude. He took his hand and dried off some sweat from Jude’s forehead.

“Sorry that I got so… I just…” Connor was still panting.

“I think we both got a little…”

Connor chuckled.

“Yeah… you can say that again.”

Connor caught Jude looking downwards, his eyes lingered for a few seconds before he looked away blushing.

“Oh my god…” Jude said while smiling.

Connor looked down to assess the damage. It was… bad. Connor blushed also while telling himself to remember never wearing so tight underwear again.

Connor scratched the back of his neck feeling a bit embarrassed.

“Yeah… sorry about that.”

Jude peaked down again for a second.

“Hey!” Connor noticed, causing Jude to snicker.

“Sorry it’s just… it’s a very nice color.”

“It… it looks worse than it is. They are just… too tight.”

Jude loved seeing Connor squirm and being a bit uncomfortable, he couldn’t help it.

“You know seeing that, I think we have to re-think this top bottom thing.”

Connor laughed, but he did notice that Jude was trying to tease him.

“Oh, here I thought you liked a challenge.”

Connor smirked and Jude went tomato before hiding his face in his hands. Connor continued laughing feeling successful before pulling up the comforter covering his lower body.

“Ok… I deserved that.” Jude said from behind his hands.

“Yupp… you did.”

Connor snuggled up next to Jude.

“Hey… you want to lie on my chest again?”

Jude removed his hands, he still had pink cheeks when he nodded towards Connor who laid down on his back. Jude took his position resting his chin on Connor’s chest while holding onto him.

“You think… you think we should talk about it?”

“You mean...” Jude replied to Connor’s question.

“Yeah… that. Dad has always said it’s… it’s better to talk about it before. I’ve never really thought it was… necessary before but… yeah. Now, maybe it is…”

Jude nodded against Connor’s chest, it did sound reasonable.

“I think you’re right.”

Connor kissed Jude’s hair before he continued.

“So… you know I like you, yeah?”

Jude snickered some.

“Yes… I’ve seen it with my own eyes.”

“Ha-ha very funny.”

“Sorry…”

”Yeah but. I don’t know… how do you feel? I mean if you want to wait until after you’re corrected or-“

“No.” Jude said, perhaps a little too fast as he interrupted Connor.

“I-I… Honestly Connor I’ve never really… thought _that_ was a… possibility for me before. So I haven’t thought about it.”

“Okay. Hey… I know this has happened fast, I do… I still can’t believe we are lying here in your bed.”

“Best. Dream. Ever.” Jude said jokingly.

”Ok, but… you know. Let me know what you think…”

“I… I don’t want you to… touch me or anything… down there… in the front. Ever.”

“Okay… I won’t. I promise.”

”I mean before I’ve been corrected.”

“Yeah I got it. I understand that.”

“But I… I don’t know… I don’t want to wait one and a half year to do anything… Well I can’t wait that long I almost-.” Jude stopped talking feeling maybe he’d opened up plenty today.

Connor was silent so Jude continued.

“What do you say… how do you… feel?”

“I… I don’t know either. I mean I... I want to… with you, but I’m not sure if I’m ready for it… now, you know?”

Truth be told Connor was pretty far from ready but he needed Jude to know that it wasn’t because of him, he was worried that Jude would get insecure.

“I think I feel about the same.” Jude said and looked up and smiled at Connor before placing a close-lipped kiss on his lips before he lay down on Connor’s chest again.

“So… only hot make out sessions until we’re ready?” Connor said with a smirk on his lips.

“Sounds good.” Jude bit his lip before playfully pinching Connor’s nipple with his fingers.

“And some hot nipple action.” Jude filled in.

Connor chuckled and bit his lip hard, trying to sound unaffected by the fact that Jude still were teasing his sensitive spot with his fingers.

“What do you want to talk about now?” Jude said casually trying to repress smiling. Connor didn’t respond.

“Connor?” Jude looked up at Connor and saw that he had closed his eyes and was pressing his lips together hard. This time Jude couldn’t help laughing slightly while he continued his teasing.

“Ok you need to stop that now.” Connor finally said.

“Ok ok sorry… couldn’t resist.” Jude did stop.

A few moments of silence before Jude remembered something.

“This is probably the worst timing ever but… I don’t want you touching my… chest. Sorry I guess it’s not fair but I…”

“It’s ok Jude.”

“You sure?”

“Yes of course. I get it. But after the surgery it's all mine.” Connor laughed slightly.

Jude smiled wide. _Never in a million years…_

“And just to be clear. Only front is no-no… back is ok… when we’re ready?” Where Connor got the courage to ask Jude that he’ll never know, he didn’t even have the self-awareness to blush.

Jude had to hide his face as it became warm out of nowhere. After a moment, still feeling super embarrassed, he nodded into Connor’s chest. Connor was very grateful that Jude didn’t see how much Jude’s affirmation made him smile.

After a minute of just holding onto Jude and caressing his arm Connor wondered if Jude was ready for some more difficult questions.

“Hey… is it ok if we talk about some… what I think is bad stuff?”

Jude gulped, somehow he had known that this was coming just from the way Connor was breathing. It had to be done though, a lot of it.

“Yeah… we need to I think.”

Connor waited a moment, thinking about where to start.

“When did… he start… doing things to you?”

Jude closed his eyes when he felt them starting to burn instantly. It came out of nowhere. Connor held on to him even tighter, showing him he was safe.

“We… we came here in march 2008… Callie had her birthday in April…”

Jude was talking in a low voice, Connor had to focus to be able to hear him.

“So… he got her some presents and stuff… and things were ok, I think. But then… I had my birthday in May and I remember asking Callie on that day what she thought he would get me…” Jude stopped talking and sniffled.

“Umm… yeah. So anyway she didn’t know and then it got late and… I thought he was going to surprise me but… nothing. So I asked before bed time about a birthday present…”

Jude choke up, Connor had to close his eyes and concentrate on breathing.

“The last thing I remember is that he said that if the freak wanted a present she would get one.”

“She?”

“Yes… he always calls me that when no one is around.” Connor grinded his teeth but he let Jude continue.

“So I woke up… the day after. I couldn’t go to school for a week.”

“What did he do?”

Jude just shook his head, message received by Connor.

It was for Jude’s sake and Jude’s sake only that Connor remained in control. He was fuming but he didn’t want Jude to notice so he started talking instead.

“You ok?”

Jude nodded.

“Yeah… it’s ok.”

”Please tell me if this next one is too… I don’t know… too much. Ok?”

“Ok…” Jude whimpered.

”It’s about the… dress.”

Silence filled the room, it seemed like neither one of them took any breaths. Finally, Jude said.

“Yeah… the dress.”

“Is it… what I think it is?”

“Depends, what do you think?”

Connor gulps and sniffles. This is hard for him and he can only imagine how it is for Jude.

“Does he… make you wear it?”

Jude nods against Connor’s chest and Connor can hear him sniffle before he feels that teardrops are running down his chest.

_Fucking monster…_

“Yeah. Every birthday si-since that first one he makes me wear a-a dress and… and my sister puts makeup on me and…”

Jude struggles, he chokes up and his voice cracks over and over again. Connor doesn’t breathe.

“And… and then he takes pictures of me…”

Connor has his eyes closed but that doesn’t stop tears from running down his cheeks. He’s burning with anger but he has to repress it. Connor talks as steady as he can.

“He… he forces your sister to do that?”

A long silence… too long. Connor is starting to worry and Jude confirms his worry.

“No.”

Silence again for a few minutes before Jude lifts his head from Connor’s chest and looks up at him.

”Connor?”

”Wh-what?” Connor tries to sound unaffected.

”You’re… shaking?”

Connor hasn’t even realized it himself. All his energy had gone into not getting up from the bed and commit murder.

“You’re… angry?”

Connor snapped.

“Angry?! I’m-I’m… gah!”

”Please, Connor…”

Connor’s fury ceased the moment he saw Jude’s face. His eyes looked scared and Connor couldn’t have that, of course he couldn’t.

“I’m sorry.” Connor took a deep breath, trying to cool himself down.

“It’s all in the past Connor. Don’t be angry.” Technically it was of course in the past but Jude was telling white lies to cool Connor down.

After a minute Connor looked Jude in the eyes with a serious expression.

“I will never ever ever let anyone do that to you again. Ok?”

Jude nodded.

“Ok… I believe you. Calm down. I’m ok now…” Jude could tell that Connor still was angry to say the least. Connor was breathing through his nose and Jude was getting worried.

Connor noticed the worry in Jude. He knew he had to calm down now otherwise Jude would never tell him about any bad stuff at all.  

Connor sighs.

“It’s just hard for me to hear about when someone treats you that way.” Connor said with a surprisingly calm tone.

“That you don’t deserve doesn’t even begin to cover it.”

Jude smiled at him, both to thank him for what he said and for calming down.

“Thank you… perhaps talk about something else?”

“Yeah… yeah. Good idea.”

Connor thinks for a while before asking Jude.

“How many… know? Does Hannah know?”

“No… she doesn’t. Callie, Roy, _he_ and Dr. Parker knows and… now… you do.”

Connor nods, he suspected something like that.

“I guess perhaps some nurse at the hospital knows but I always only talk to Dr. Parker and he give me my shots.”

“Ok… I get it. No one from school though… not the Vice-principal?”

“Nope…”

Connor’s jaw moved from side-to-side, he thought about it before he asked. There was someone in Jude’s life he really didn’t know what to think about.

“Is it ok if I ask about… Roy was it?”

Connor noticed that Jude, still lying on his chest, swallowed hard.

“What do you want to know?”

“Umm… I’m not sure. Why are you… friends?”

”He… he was the one that saved me tha-that day on the beach.”

“Yeah I know…”

“You do?”

“Yes Mike… Mike recognized him.”

Jude stayed silent for a while before he spoke.

“Ok… yeah so he, he saw me without my pants on and he made sure no one else saw…”

This was the part that had bothered Connor, something about it wasn’t right.

“So Jude he, he just happened to be there?”

Connor could feel Jude tensing up, his breaths became irregular.

“We’re honest with each other, right Jude?”

Jude sniffled before he slowly nodded.

“I… honestly I don’t know. But…”

Jude bit his lip, it had been so much easier to just ignore this issue but here Connor was seeking answers. Answers Jude didn’t have.

“But?”

“But I… I had seen him a few times, before that day.”

“What do you mean you’ve seen him?”

Jude hesitated, mostly because he didn’t know.

“I’m not sure but I got the feeling that he… that he was… watching me, or something. I’ve never told him this.”

Both of them went silent for a moment, thinking over what to say. Connor was the first to speak.

“Should I be worried?”

“No… no. He’s been really good to me. Without him I wouldn’t-.” Jude stopped talking but Connor had a feeling what he was about to say so he didn’t push.

“Hey… are you ok?”

Jude nodded and sniffled.

“Is it too much?” Jude said to a surprised Connor.

“What do you mean?”

“I just… I’m just scared that you will think all of this is… that it’s too much… that it’s not worth it. That I’m not…”

“Stop. Don’t ever say that Jude. I’m so proud over you for telling me all of this you know?”

Connor leaned down and Jude got the message, Jude meets Connor halfway and connects their lips.

“It’s not natural you know…” Jude says while taking his place resting on Connor’s chest.

“What’s not?”

“To forget about everything else just from a kiss. I don’t think I can spell my name right now.”

Connor chuckled, he knew exactly what Jude was talking about.

“Tell me about it…”

When Connor had gotten back down from the high of Jude’s kiss he couldn’t hold back asking about _it_. He’d noticed it every time Jude squirmed, touched or even moved his back against the bed.

“Can I ask you one last thing?”

“That sounds dramatic.”

Connor laughed slightly.

“Just for today… and one last you know… difficult thing.”

“Okay… I think I can handle one more.”

Connor took a deep breath. He knew that Jude would not like this one, not one bit. Another moment of hesitation before he gathered the courage.

“What did he do to your back?”

Jude froze as memories from that night played before his eyes.

 

Jude lies on the floor where his body landed. He lies face down and is naked. The last thing he hears is Phil speaking while holding him down.

_“It’s been too long since we played with fire, last time you screamed like the little girl you are.”_

Jude’s shaking while starting to panic. The last thing he sees in the corner of his eye is the glowing sharp metal object.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up: "Chapter 68: The dynamic duo"
> 
> You might notice I have severe separation anxiety from Waterloo!Connor and Waterloo!Jude (and from all you readers as well), here we got 6000 words of them talking in Jude's bed. Feel free to tell me about your favorite part from this chapter, I know what mine is. 
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr


	68. The dynamic duo

_“What did he do to your back?”_

Connor’s last words left a silence in the room. Connor knew Jude could have a bad reaction to it but it wasn’t something that he could just ignore. Jude was his boyfriend and he wasn’t sure that Jude even realized how much he cared and thought about him.

Connor had started to worry that Jude was back to clamming up on him. It took a full minute before Jude finally spoke in a low voice.

“I’ll tell you… But I don’t won’t you to see it. Is that ok?”

Connor didn’t like the sound of that. He’d already seen Jude’s scarred upper body, what could be worse than that?

“Ok… I’ll never force you to do anything.”

Jude brushed Connor’s chest with his thumb that rested upon it.

“He… Somehow he’d found out that we had spent time together.”

“But-.” Connor was confused, he didn’t know that was a problem for Phil.

“I-I never told you but he’s been… talking about you, so I didn’t want him to know when we spent time together.”

Connor listened, mind racing.

Jude exhaled deeply, like he already was mentally exhausted.

“He found out and… when I came home last Friday he… That’s when he…”

Just as Connor had suspected, that’s why Jude didn’t come to his soccer game the following day. Connor stayed still and listened, reminding himself to show Jude as little anger as possible.

Jude thought about what he wanted to tell Connor. He didn’t want to lie but Connor had only asked him what he had done to his back, so Jude could tell him that and leave everything else out.

“He…”

Jude was now whispering, choking up each time he tried to speak.

“He… He… burned me.”

Connor tried to lie still in the bed, he had closed his eyes and concentrated on breathing. His body betrayed him though, Jude could feel him shaking.

Jude tried to comfort Connor by holding him tighter and kept rubbing his hand against Connor’s body in a soothing manner. It took a moment for Connor to be able to even register Jude’s gesture.

“Jude please… Yo-you can’t be the one… trying to make _me_ feel better right now. You ju-just can’t.”

Jude lifted his head and looked at Connor. He was met by sad watery eyes. Connor looked defeated. Jude knew that Connor was probably struggling not to show him how angry he was and all that was left then was this, a defeated Connor.

Jude put his hand on Connor’s cheek, he dried a tear from just under his eye before he started caressing the cheek.

“I-I know you are pro-… probably angry… are you?”

Connor’s jaw was trembling and his lips closed tightly. Connor nodded at Jude, not trusting his voice not to scream out his frustration.

“Thank you… for holding back. I kn-know you do it for me.”

Connor sniffled and nodded again. Jude continued.

“It’s getting better. I promise you.”

Jude kept looking Connor in the eyes while stroking his cheek, slowly calming him down.

“We need to figure this out. He can’t know we see each other. He… he told him he would do stuff to you if we saw each other.”

Connor snorted, Jude saw his eyes glistering for a second but not like they did when he looked at Jude.

“He can fucking try. I’ll punch his face in.”

Having seen Connor’s physique Jude knew this was probably true. However, he couldn’t have his boyfriend in jail. Apart from that, the idea was perfect.

“Yeah but…”

Jude broke eye-contact and looked down, Connor could still see the worry written all his face when Jude continued, this time whispering in a sad broken voice.

“But he’ll tell everyone… about me…”

Connor reached out to Jude and put his warm hand on his cheek. With a slight nudge he made Jude look back into his eyes.

“I know… I know Jude. We need to figure this out.”

Jude sniffled. After a moment Connor could see that Jude was thinking about something, he kept looking away and bit his lip. Connor knew better than to push Jude.

“Connor can I… can I ask you something?”

“Of course. Anything.”

“And… I want you to be honest-.”

“Of course I’m honest.” Connor almost sounded offended.

“Yeah but… You might think that telling the truth about this would hurt me or something but… if you’re just honest I’ll be fine… ok?”

Connor nodded at Jude, both curious and a bit worried where Jude was going with this.

“Ok… so… when did you start to like me?”

Jude snickered at his own question and filled in.

“I know… it’s kind of a silly question but… please?”

Connor did take a moment to think it over, it seemed important to Jude so he would get an honest answer.

“Honestly I think I fell for you that day in the cafeteria when I saw you for the first time.”

Jude blushed and looked away which caused Connor’s cheeks to also turn pink.

“I know I know it’s cheesy but… that’s the truth. But ok, I think I know what you mean. It was when we were at the lake… that’s when I was sure how I felt. Probably before that but after that day I couldn’t deny it even if I would have wanted to.”

Jude nodded and looked deep in thought.

“The lake. That was before the tape fell out of my backpack?”

Connor nodded. Jude gulped.

“So when you… Then you didn’t… You didn’t know about… me.”

“What do you mean?”

Jude went silent and avoided eye-contact.

“Jude?”

Jude tried to hold it in but after a moment he started crying silently. Connor got worried.

“Jude, what’s wrong?”

“I lied to you…”

“What? No… no Jude stop that.” Connor was desperate to get Jude to stop crying, he got reminded how much he hated to see him like that.

Jude whimpered.

“No I lied to you… you thought you liked a normal boy-“

“Stop that. Now. I fell for… well the most amazing and kind boy I’ve ever met. Nothing changed.”

Jude kept looking down and tears were now dropping down on the bed. He sniffled and tried to take deep breaths.

“Jude? You cannot blame yourself for that. Please Jude stop crying…”

Jude mumbled something, his voice too hoarse for Connor to hear and he kept choking up.

“What?”

“Be honest… Di-didn’t you… fr-freak out even a little?” Jude’s voice low, it seemed like the only way for him to be able to speak. He was still feeling too ashamed to look at Connor.

“I’ll tell you if you look at me.”

Slowly Jude looked up. Seeing Jude’s sad eyes made Connor’s chest ache. Jude whimpered.

“Be honest…”

“I will.”

Connor took a moment to think. He took a breath and started talking not once looking away from Jude’s big brown eyes.

“I never ever freaked out. When… when I started to suspect it… yes I spent some time thinking… about what it meant. I had just come to terms with being… gay. It didn’t take long though to figure it out. I knew I wanted… I wanted you, no matter what. Nothing changed, I was still in love with a boy.”

Jude had listened to every word. He had stopped crying. Connor always talked from the heart, it was one of the things that Jude loved about him because there was no filter, no lies. There was only Connor showing him his personality and how he felt and Jude felt like he was the luckiest boy in the world.

“Ok?” Connor was still worried. He could only hope that Jude would like the truth.

Jude sniffled one last time. A small smile emerged and Connor’s heart skipped a beat. Jude nodded at Connor.

“Sorry.” Jude felt stupid, like he often did.

Connor answered by cupping his face and give him a close-lipped tender kiss. Jude melted from the gesture and as had happened before, his troubles were gone just like that.

Connor’s phone started ringing which felt weird for the both of them. The had been screened from the outside world and truthfully they didn’t want to return to it.

Connor grabbed for his phone and saw that it was Adam calling.

“It’s dad… I better take it.”

Jude lay down on Connor’s chest before agreeing with Connor.

Jude listened to Connor giving his father the usual answers, telling him he was ok and that everything was good and so on. After a minute Adam seemed to have said something unexpected.

“Oh shit… was that today?”

Connor groaned, clearly not happy about something. This time Jude didn’t hear what Adam was saying, it sounded like he was outside.

“But-.”

“Can’t you tell them I’m sick or something?”

Another groan from Connor. After that Adam said something and Connor waited a moment before saying to him.

“Umm… that would be great. I just have to ask him, wait.”

That got Jude’s attention who sat up next to Connor.

“So hey… I totally forgot that my cousins were coming here today. I know it sucks but I don’t think I can get out of it.”

“It’s ok.” Jude didn’t want to be apart from him but he could see that Connor was already feeling bad about it.

“Yeah but… We’re going to play mini golf and have dinner afterwards and… well… dad said you are more than welcome to join us if you want?”

Jude hesitated for a moment. Was he ready to be around people, he wasn’t sure. Connor wasn’t playing fair though.

“Please… for me?” Connor pouted, tried to look as cute as possible and even gave Jude his puppy eyes look.

“Oh for god’s sake Connor…”

“Please?”

Jude sighed.

“Fine… yes. Yeah ok.”

Truthfully Jude didn’t exactly hate the idea of spending more time with Connor and his parents, hopefully the cousins weren’t that bad either.

Connor lit up and picked up his phone again.

“He’s up for it! A-ha. Ok. Ok we’ll get ready. 30 minutes, got it.”

Connor hung up the phone.

“Ok dad is coming to pick us up in 30 minutes and then we go to our place before meeting up my cousins and my aunt at Boomers.”

“Ok sounds like fun.”

Connor smiled wide at Jude.

“What?” Jude wasn’t following.

“No nothing… it’s just… I’m happy you said yes to coming along.”

Jude smiled back at him.

“As long as you’re with me I’ll be ok.”

Connor could simply not take Jude saying that without giving him a kiss so he did by leaning in and pecking his lips causing Jude to laugh slightly by the shown affection.

“I need to shower if I’m going to meet your parents.”

“Good idea, I’ll join you!” Connor smirked at Jude who didn’t look impressed by Connor’s attempt.

“Nice try.”

“Worth a shot. But seriously, can I use it afterwards? Don’t think I got time when we get to our place.”

“Of course, I’ll try to be quick.”

Jude got out of bed and walked to the bathroom leaving Connor staying in Jude’s bed.

While Jude showered Connor smiled thinking about everything from last night up till this moment. The change in Jude was evident. It was like Connor finally had broken through completely, Jude’s guard was down and nothing had felt better. Jude trusted him. Connor was going to make sure that Jude would never have to regret it.

Of course, Connor couldn’t know that it might not be up to him.

Connor’s mind wandered towards what Jude had told him about Phil. Jude still didn’t tell him everything but he had told him enough. Connor found it beyond disturbing to find out that Jude probably had been more or less alone since he was five. His sister was not someone who had been any support, that much was clear.

Suddenly it dawned upon him. He had always connected Jude’s phobia of touching with his secret. Now, Connor started to suspect it had other reasons for it. No one had hugged him since he was five. He had been brutally beaten, if not worse… Connor shivers from the dark thought. It had started on his ninth birthday and chances were that things had happened even before that.

Connor came to the conclusion that what he had witnessed in Jude’s fear of being touched was years of experience of nothing but bad things associated with him being touched in any way.

Connor’s eyes started to sting and his chest felt constricted. Life was so fucking unfair. How the fuck can someone do those horrible things to an innocent child, to Jude. Not just had they felt the need to beat his physically but to humiliate him as well... on his fucking birthday. His own sister for fucks sake. Connor’s aggressive side rarely manifested itself but all he could think about was to inflict violence towards those who hurt Jude.

Connor went on thinking what having those experiences would have done to Connor himself. Would he have been able to deal with it? Would he have… survived it? No wonder that Jude had those panic attacks, that his copying mechanisms made him do weird things sometimes. He had survived and Connor… Connor is not sure that he would have. Jude had lay in his arms not an hour ago, laughed and even talked about the future with a sense of hope.

Connor thought about Jude saying that Connor was unreal, that he was too good to be true. No… Connor kept thinking. It was Jude that was unreal, Jude was too good and strong to be true.

“Hey, you ok?”

Jude had come back from the bathroom without Connor noticing. He was deep in thought when Jude’s voice made him snap out of it.

“Umm… yeah. You finished?”

Jude had wrapped a towel around his waist and was wearing a t-shirt.

“Yes, go ahead it’s all yours.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor showered and got dressed in the bathroom. He had opened all shampoo bottles and smelled them until he found the one that Jude used, he was sure that he would recognize that smell the rest of is life.

When Connor came back into Jude’s room Jude was standing in front of the mirror buttoning the top button of a wine red shirt. Connor walked up behind Jude and put his hands on his hips. Being 7 inch taller than Jude he had no problems looking over his head and finding his eyes in the mirror.

“You look amazing.” Connor said before leaning down and planting a kiss on Jude’s cheek.

“Thanks.” Jude leaned back against Connor’s chest. He felt warm, like he always did.

“It’s a bit tight around my neck… I can barely breathe.”

Connor brings his hands towards the top button and slowly un-buttons it. Jude gulps from the gesture.

“Better?”

“Yeah… I guess.”

Connor can see Jude being a bit uncomfortable.

“You ok? I mean you don’t always… cover your throat, right?”

Jude looked at himself in the mirror. Connor was right, but it still felt… unsafe.

“No… no you’re right. I used to be so careful about it and… and sometimes it just comes back.”

“It’s ok… I get that. Just wear whatever you’re comfortable in.” Connor held Jude a little tighter before he added.

“And those skinny jeans. You should wear those even if they are uncomfortable.” Connor said trying to look serious causing Jude to snicker.

Jude looked at Connor in the mirror with a fond smile on his face.

“What?” Connor thought Jude looked a little too happy.

“No nothing, it’s just a shame you’re so much bigger than I am.”

“Oh yeah, why is that?”

“I have so many turtleneck sweaters that you would look great in Connor, I just know it.”

Connor frowned.

“Turtleneck? I don’t know Jude. Sounds a bit warm in California and I’m not sure I’d look good in one.”

Jude wouldn’t have it.

“Trust me Connor. You would look stunning in a turtleneck sweater.”

Connor laughed slightly over the fact that Jude sounded so sure about it. Jude got a warm smile and looked dreamingly when he spoke.

“I can picture it now you know. You… smiling… wearing a turtleneck… a black and white filter…”

Jude sighs softly, sounding like he just described the perfect picture. Connor snickers and kisses Jude on the cheek while gently rocking him in his arms with his hands still on Jude’s hips.

“That was very specific.”

“I know what I like. Deal with it.”

Connor laughs once again. They stay like that, Jude leaning towards Connor’s chest and Connor holding onto Jude. They look at each other with warm smiles on their faces.

“Thank you for waiting for me…” Jude said sounding like he was getting emotional, voice low.

“What do you mean?”

“You could have found someone less… complicated than me. Don’t even deny it Connor.”

Connor shrugged.

“So what?”

“Not that many would have bothered.”

Connor got a serious look on his face. He made sure that Jude looked into his eyes before speaking.

“Jude… there is something you need to know. It has nothing to do with being bothered or if you’re complicated or whatever you want to call it. I… It’s not like I’ve even considered if it’s… worth it or anything like that.”

Connor took a pause, Jude could see the affection in Connor’s eyes and he found himself lucky to be leaning against him because his knees felt weak. Connor continued.

“I love you. I’ve known a long time that I’ve loved you and the only thing I’ve been afraid of was… was you not… loving me back.”

The usually so confident Connor showed Jude his frailty as he kept on talking.

Jude turned around and put his arms around Connor’s neck. He looked Connor in the eyes, Connor was not sad but he did look like he’d just revisited a not-so-happy memory.

“I have never been more sure about anything in my life than that I love you Connor. Ok?”

Connor nodded and sniffled. Jude tiptoed and Connor stayed still as Jude reached up and kissed him. Their lips moved against each other’s and like had happened before when their lips connected everything else faded away and ceased to matter. After a few moments of tender and slow movements of lips and tongue Jude broke the kiss and returned to stand on solid ground.

Connor opened his eyes, he smiled warmly at Jude.

“ _You_ kissed _me_. Like… really kissed me.”

“I know. Like I said… thank you for waiting for me.”

Connor smiled while he looked like he was about to cry at the same time. He took his hands from Jude’s hips and cupped his face.

“You are unreal.” Connor said he leaned down and kissed Jude passionately. After a moment Jude parted his lips inviting Connor’s tongue to deepen the kiss and then… Connor’s phone rang.

“You got to be kidding me…” Connor sighed sounding frustrated. He took out his phone from his pocket.

“It’s dad. He’s probably here.”

Adam honked the horn indicating he was outside waiting. Connor and Jude made their way down the stairs.

“Wait, before we go. What do you want us to tell my aunt and cousins if they ask?”

Jude thought about it. Of course he knew what Connor wanted him to say and making Connor happy was among the most important things to him. Still…

“It’s ok Jude. We’ll tell them we’re friends. It’s ok.” Connor saw Jude struggling.

”I’m sorry… I really am. I just…”

Connor took Jude’s hands in his and looked him in his eyes.

“It’s ok, it really is. Forget I asked about it, it’s just my aunt is really cool and I know she would freak out in the best possible way if I introduced you as my boyfriend. They live in San Francisco and I think like all her friends are gay.”

“Ok… If you really want to we can…”

“No. I don’t want to if you feel a bit awkward about it. It’s cool, I promise. We’ll tell them another time, ok?”

“Ok, thanks.”

Jude was about to open the door when he stopped and turned around towards Connor.

“Hey… this is me. Ok?”

“Umm… yeah?”

“I mean… what you’ve seen now… this is the real me, or… it’s who I want to be, ok?”

“Ok. I like the real you.”

“Yeah but I mean I… I won’t always be like this, you know that. I will have bad days… I will have worse days than you’ve ever seen me have.”

“Ok…” Connor just acknowledged that he heard Jude as Jude sounded like he had more to say.

“Just know that if I…” Jude swallowed hard. “If I have an incident… I might say or do things that I… that I don’t want. Ju-just remember that it’s not the real me, ok?”

Connor nodded.

“I know. I know the real you and… I’ll fight for us, yeah?”

Jude sniffled and dried a tear that had formed in his eye. He nodded back at Connor.

“And I know that you will fight for us too, yeah?”

Jude nodded again.

“Ye-yeah… I’ll fight for us.”

Connor smiled at Jude and it was all the reassurance that Jude needed. They opened the door together, ready to face the real world outside. Connor was not sure if he was ready to face Adam though. Surely Adam wouldn’t let the fact that Connor and Jude spent the night together go by without him commenting on it.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor sat down in the passenger seat and Jude sat in the backseat.

“Hi dad.”

“Hi Mr. Stev-… Adam.”

“Hey boys!”

Adam was happy that much was clear. He smiled wide while alternating looking at Connor and Jude.

“So, are you back together now?” Adam asked as if it was the most un-complicated thing in the world.

“Dad…” Connor groaned and rested his forehead in the palm of one of his hands.

Jude smiled and looked down. Adam was still smiling even after a few moments of silence, he spoke again.

“What? I can’t ask that?”

“Dad, can you just go-.” Connor felt uncomfortable and just wanted Adam to get going when Jude unexpectedly spoke.

“Yes. We are.”

Stevens Sr looked back at Jude with a huge grin and Stevens Jr looked back with a shocked expression on his face that turned into a warm smile after a few seconds, Connor sure needed those seconds.

“I can’t tell you how happy hearing that makes me Jude.”

“Yeah you’re really hard to read dad.” Connor said with a sarcastic tone.

Adam chuckled, Jude noted in the exact same way that Connor chuckled.

“Well it does. It’s good to see you again Jude. I think I speak for the entire Stevens family when I say that we’ve missed you a whole lot.”

“Thanks Adam…”

Jude smiled shyly and fiddled with his hands. He wasn’t exactly used to hearing things like that but he liked it, he liked it a lot.

Adam backed out of the driveway.

“So what do we tell my sister and the twins?”

“We just want to hang out without any more drama today so we’ll tell them we’re friends.” Connor responded quickly so that Jude didn’t feel pressured.

“Ok I get that. Can’t wait until you tell Cecilia, she will be so happy to finally have someone gay in the family.”

Connor and Adam chuckled, causing Jude to smile. He had missed the Stevens’s.

The car ride over to Connor’s house was going swimmingly if you asked Connor, Adam had behaved which he was grateful for. They were all in a good mood when Adam remembered something.

“Oh that’s right I almost forgot. Jude, I got something for you.”

Connor frowned looking over as his father passed a small plastic bag back to Jude who looked as surprised as Connor did.

“Dad?”

Adam didn’t say anything so Connor leaned back in his seat to look at Jude who was opening the plastic bag.

“Don’t be so nosy, it’s for Jude.” Adam said and made Connor look forward again.

Connor could hear Jude unwrapping something followed by silence. Connor looked in the rearview-mirror but he didn’t get a good look at Jude.

“You opened it?” Adam asked looking back at Jude through the mirror.

“Umm… yeah… th-thanks.” Jude’s voice smaller than Connor had ever heard it. He turned his whole body around in his seat to look back at Jude. Jude was looking down, he bit his lip and looked like he wanted to just get out of there.

“What was it?” Connor asked.

“Umm… he… it’s… condoms.”

Connor sighed loudly and closed his eyes.

“Dad… what the fuck is wrong with you!?”

“What? He didn’t have any and I can’t have my son-in-law going around unprotected.”

Despite experiencing one of the most awkward moments of his life Jude did smile hearing Adam call him his son-in-law.

“Dad! You-you-you… gah!” Connor was almost shaking, the frustration in him could be seen from the moon.

“I’m sorry if I embarrass you Jude bu-“

“But I’m ok to embarrass?! Why couldn’t you just let it go, just this once!?” Connor was nearly jumping in his seat. Adam tried not to laugh but he chuckled slightly.

“Calm down son. Breathe. Jude didn’t tell you the best part. Tell him Jude.”

“What? There’s more?”

“Umm…” Jude was considering his options. Jumping out of the car? Sinking through the floor?

“They… they’re…” Jude forced down saliva before he managed to speak.

“They’re banana flavored.”

Adam beamed looking over at Connor like he just had done them some great favor. Adam looked back at Jude with the same smile.

“See? I remembered.”

Connor was hiding his face in both his hands while shaking his head and taking deep breaths.

Adam’s smile turned into a confused expression when the boys didn’t seem as happy over his gift that he thought they would be.

“Umm… you know, because Jude told me he liked bananas…?”

Connor sighed again.

“Yes. We get it dad. Just… stop talking. Please.”

Adam continued to look surprised as he turned all his attention back to driving.

“Kids these days…”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_Monday morning_

Jude was making sandwiches. He was in a good mood and was even humming along to the music playing from his phone. Phil wasn’t going to be back until late tonight so he didn’t even have to make him dinner. Jude finished his second sandwich and for the first time in… well since as long as he can remember he starts making a third one. Lying next to Connor had made him even more reluctant to stay as skinny as he was. He was pretty sure… no he _was_ sure that Connor didn’t mind but he didn't like it himself.

Last night had been fantastic. Jude had had a great time with the Stevens’s and Connor’s aunt and cousins. Cecilia, Connor’s aunt, had been almost as nice and funny as Adam. Jude couldn’t help thinking that he would like to meet Connor’s grandparents. If you raised kids like Adam and Cecilia, you were doing something right Jude figured.

Jude was about to sing along in the chorus when the song was interrupted by an incoming call. It was Callie. Jude had managed to forget about the Monday morning call. The calls that had seemed so important to him when he had no one else. That he had been forced to swallow what was left of his pride and be nice to her just to have someone, anyone, to talk to was something he’d hated for a long time.

He hesitated. Before the call went to voice mail he denied the call, letting her know that he noticed the call. She didn’t call again. A confrontation was drawing closer, Jude could feel it. If Jude said the things he wanted to say, it would probably be the last time they would ever talk so he had to be prepared.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“So wild guess here Jude, you and Connor are “friends” again.” Madison said teasingly using air quotation marks so that no one could miss it.

Hannah smiled seeing her friend squirm.

Jude, Hannah and Madison were sitting at the lunch table. Shortly Ashley would probably join them so Madison figured she didn’t have much time. Jude and Connor were meeting up after school as their lunch period didn’t match today.

“Don’t even try to deny it Jude.”

Jude snickered and manned up.

“Yeah… yeah we’re friends again.”

Hannah could see the little spark in Jude’s eyes, it only came out when they talked about Connor.

“I’m glad for your sake. It wasn’t easy seeing you, or Connor, like that last week.”

Jude didn’t like being reminded of that, that he had hurt Connor.

“You… you saw him?”

Hannah nodded at him and Madison spoke, not that unusual.

“He actually managed to look not-hot. Didn’t think it was possible but you did it.”

Hannah glared at her and Madison realized her mistake seeing Jude’s sad expression.

“Sorry Jude, I’m an idiot. I meant it as a joke…”

“Try thinking before you speak for once?” Hannah still looked pissed.

“No it’s ok. I deserved that, even if you guys don’t know it. I… I fucked up.”

Hannah and Madison both opened their eyes wide and stared at each other and then on Jude.

“I’m… I’m sorry you did what?”

“I fucked up.”

Madison gasped dramatically and put her hand on her chest. Hannah opened her mouth and continued staring at Jude who looked down feeling ashamed of what he did to Connor.

“Oh…” Just like that Jude realized what he had said. He put his hand over his mouth and looked at the girls like he was caught committing some major felony.

Hannah and Madison started to laugh when they saw the semi-panic in Jude’s eyes.

“Jude… seriously. Yo-you meeting Connor is-is the best thing that’s ever happened.” Madison was still laughing, having to dry her watery eyes with her fingers.

 

A few tables over, their conversation was being observed but not overheard.

“So we’ll do it after school today, yeah? He has math last period.”

“Yeah it’s perfect now when he’s not friends with Stevens anymore.”

John chortled.

“Ya… I wonder what happened.”

Scott responded.

“They probably broke up or something.”

Scott saying that was apparently funny enough to set the both of them off laughing.

“God I can’t wait to shut that fucking faggot midget up.”

“Me neither man… you got the stuff right?”

Scott chuckled.

“Yeah. Love seeing him try to use his fucking dildo or whatever disgusting fucking things that fag puts up there.”

Scott continued laughing, he had to hold on to the table to not fall off from his chair.

“Ca-can you imagine him having to go to the hospital so that they’ll fix it?”

“That poor poor nurse, whatever she’s paid it won’t be enough.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“Hi boyfriend :)”

Jude smiled reading the text.

“Hi boyfriend :) Aren’t you in class?”

“Y some boring lecture. Cant w8 2 c u”

“Me too =) You wait for me outside right?”

“U bet. If u dont want 2 make out in bathroom? ;)”

Jude looked around to make sure no one was around. He was sitting in class but had already finished all the assignments. Mrs. Porter just walked back into the classroom so Jude had to cut it short.

“lol nice try. See you after class. Love you.”

“Love u 2”

Time was going… not fast. Jude kept tapping his pen on his math textbook. Mrs. Porter noticed and raised a brow seeing that this was not Jude’s usual behavior. Jude mouthed an excuse and pretended to solve some math problems.

When the bell finally rung Jude collected his things and left with the rest of the class. The class took place in the same hallway as the locker rooms. Jude got going smiling thinking about spending time with Connor before Phil would get home tonight.

Jude didn’t notice that something was wrong until he was just outside the locker rooms. The crowd he was going with slowed down and so did Jude. He looked up and saw that the other students passed by two large boys in varsity jackets who were facing him. They were looking straight at him, making it known to the other students that they were better off by just continue walking.

One by one walked in-between John and Scott until Jude was left alone in the hallway.

“Leave me alone.”

The shorter in the duo, John, snickered.

“We just want to talk…”

Jude noticed John wearing a backpack, something he usually didn’t. John and Scott started walking slowly against him. Jude walked backwards holding onto the straps of his own backpack tighter and tighter. If only Connor was here but he wasn’t, he was waiting outside for him.

“Hey take it easy, let’s just go into the locker room there and have a nice talk.”

Jude started to get scared. They were talking like they did that time at Halloween. His jaw began trembling and he could feel his body changing. Within soon it would probably shut down into a panic attack. He wanted to be strong but he was alone, there was no one around.

“Please just let me go…”

Jude begged one last time while he still was walking backwards.

Suddenly Scott lunged towards him and grabbed the straps of his backpack before he could react. Jude started to scream but before he could make a noise John put his hands over his mouth. Jude’s body started to shake by the touch and he was losing control. Scott and John pulled Jude into the nearest locker room with John still muffling his screams with his hands.

Before Jude knew it he was lying face down on the floor with Scott putting his knee on his back causing great pain. He heard a zipper, probably from the backpack, and John was putting duct tape over his mouth. Jude tried to scream but the tape did a good enough job so that no one nearby would hear him.

When Jude’s mouth was covered by duct tape John and Scott relaxed some. The hard part was over.

“Look at him he’s shaking!” John was laughing and pointing at Jude.

“God he’s so fucking pathetic.” Scott truly sounded disgusted, Jude has always noticed that Scott for some reason really hated him.

Jude tried to keep control of his body but he couldn’t stop it from shaking violently. He tried to get up but Scott walked over and put one of his feet on his back, pushing him firmly down causing Jude to scream into the tape. The pain bringing tears to his eyes.

“Oh no you’re not going anywhere, not until we’re done with you.”

“Ok I got it, take off his shirt and I’ll film it!” John sounded excited.

Jude started to panic hearing their plans. He used all the strength he had to try and get away but Scott put his knee on his back and held onto his hands.

“Ok you got this? Look he’s already crying!” Scott was as excited as John, Jude found it harder and harder to stay in control. Body spasm and uncontrollable crying were now a fact and he could feel a set of hands tugging his shirt up from his jeans.

“Ok pull it off and I’ll film him, he’ll freak out for sure!” John said between his laughs.

Jude tried to resist but Scott was too strong and from where he was lying on his stomach face down he had no way of defending himself. Scott tore the shirt off from Jude in a violent action just leaving about half of Jude’s arms still in the long-sleeved shirt.

John and Scott went mute, the only thing heard for a moment was Jude’s sobs. Jude could feel the weight of him being pushed down lifted.

“What the…”

Scott covered his mouth with one hand and kept walking backwards until his back hit against a locker.

John put down his phone and effectively stopped filming Jude. John was petrified, his eyes for a few seconds not able to look away from Jude’s exposed back.

“Oh my god…”

John forces himself to look away and walks towards the corner of the locker room. He hides his face in his hands. Scott was still covering his mouth looking at Jude.

“What… what the fuck has happened to you?”

Jude had no energy left in his body. He kept crying against the floor just wishing everything to be over.

John turned back from his corner and he and Scott looked at each other and they both looked equally shocked.

The door to the locker room flew open, startling both of the orange-skinned boys. Still in shock they saw Connor bursting through the door.

Connor quickly took in the surroundings. He saw John and Scott standing several yards apart. His eyes roamed to the left until he saw the source of the crying sounds. Jude. Jude was lying face down on the floor with his… his shirt was ripped off exposing his… Connor’s brain stopped functioning from the sight.

He looked away and looked at John and Scott. Scott must have seen Connor’s hazel eyes change color to black as the night itself.

“Listen man we didn’t do that…” Scott walked backwards away from Connor so that he was standing next to John who didn’t seem to be able to move.

Connor was fuming but he didn’t say a word as he took steps of determination towards John and Scott. Connor took one look towards Jude, he was still lying face down. Good.

Connor looked up and used all his repressed anger to with a single punch break Scott’s nose without him being able to as much as react. Scott’s head hit the back of the lockers and his body collapsed down to the floor.

With blood on his knuckle he turned to John who had time to put up his hands defensively.

“No Connor please don’t-.”

Connor’s first punch landed against John’s hands knocking them away but John put them up again. John looked terrified and begged Connor to stop. Connor was furious and kept hitting and hitting relentlessly at John until his hands receded and left was his face that received two hard hits from Connor’s bloody fist before his body hit the ground.

Connor was still on his adrenalin high and was breathing heavily through his nose, his fists were clenched and his eyes kept flickering back and forth from John to Scott. After a moment he realized that neither of them were moving and Connor snapped out of it.

He turned around and whimpered.

“Jude…”

Connor ran up to him. Jude was still crying lying on his stomach with his shirt pulled over his head. Connor helped Jude pull his shirt down but as Connor saw Jude’s back he had to put both hands over his nose and mouth.

Jude’s back had horrible wounds. The back was colored red and blue and something was carved deep into his flesh. The scars were irregular but he could make out the four letters “G I R L” before he could force himself to pull down Jude’s shirt. Connor panted from seeing the gore and blood. He could easily see that his flesh had been burnt.

“Jude… Jude I’m here.”

Connor could see Jude’s body twitching and he was still crying. Connor lay down beside him and kept whispering in his ear.

“I’m here, Jude. I’m here. You are safe.”

It didn’t take as long as it usually did for Jude to recover from his, by his body forced, blackout. Connor kept whispering into Jude’s ear and rubbed his hand in slow circles on Jude’s shoulders for a few minutes.

“Co-Connor…?”

Jude lifted his head and looked at Connor who lay beside him also on his stomach. Connor recognized Jude’s disoriented voice and expression, it would take a few more moment before he remembered where he was and why he was lying there.

“It’s ok Jude, I’m here. Everything is fine.”

Connor tried to soothe Jude by touching him softly and smiling at him.

“Where are we…?”

“We’re at school. When we’ve rested we’re going home to my place to play video games and eat tacos.”

Jude smiled and nodded, still laying down on his stomach but he’d put his hands under his chin for support. Connor waited for what he knew would soon to come. He looked over and he knew that the sight of in particular Scott could get him into trouble. Sure enough, Jude started to remember.

With wide eyes he looked at Connor.

“Where are they? Connor they tried to-“

“It’s ok, they are also… resting.”

Jude looked confused and raised himself up so that he was sitting up. He turned around and gasped from the sight. Scott was sitting on the ground with his back against the lockers. His eyes were closed and he had blood all over his face and down on his varsity jacket. John was lying on his side, he didn’t seem to be bleeding but his left eye was swelling and turning blue.

“Oh my god Connor are they…?”

“What? No, no no. They are unconscious.”

Connor gauged Jude’s reaction. The blood originating from Scott’s nose was disturbing to Jude, he could tell.

Connor got up on his feet and helped Jude up from the floor. Jude couldn’t avert his eyes from looking at his two tormentors. Jude looked over at Connor, his expression hard to read.

Jude’s eyes went back to where he had been pushed down on the floor. His focus stayed there for a few seconds before he looked at John and Scott before looking at Connor again. In a low voice he said.

“Thank you…”

Connor smiled slightly. He felt extremely relived that Jude had that kind of reaction but he was cautious.

Jude looked down at Connor’s right hand and picked it up into his own. He held out the fingers and inspected the bruised knuckles.

 “You’re bleeding…”

Connor smirked.

“You should see the other guys.”

Jude snickered for a moment before he stopped himself feeling a little ashamed, but only a little. Jude and Connor left the locker room.

Three things never happened again after that. John never regained full sight on his left eye, Scott’s nose never became straight and John and Scott would never lay a finger on Jude again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up: "Chapter 69: The last days of dancing"
> 
> The remaining chapters are hard for me to finish for several reasons, I'll have them up as soon as I can.
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr


	69. The last days of dancing

“Ok, so my mom is waiting in the car. You think you’ll be alright?”

Of course Jude was still a bit shaken from what just had happened in the locker room but having Connor beside him calmed him down. Jude nodded at Connor.

“Yeah… yeah I’ll be alright. We’ll talk more about it when we’re alone.”

“Deal.”

Everyone else had gone home so the hallways were empty. Both of them took a deep breath before opening the doors leading outside.

Jude and Connor took their usual seats in the Steven’s car with Jude sitting in the back and Connor in the passenger seat.

“Hi sweetie, hi Jude!”

Mia seemed to be in a good mood.

“Hi mom.”

“Hi Mia.”

“What took you so long, I’ve been waiting for 15 minutes?”

“Jude had to stay behind and help the teacher with something, the life of a genius you know. Sorry.”

Jude smiled realizing that Connor had rehearsed the lie as it came out very natural.

“Oh ok. No problem.”

Connor listened to Mia and Jude talking. He was proud over how much his mother had progressed in such a short time. At first he noticed that she had to make an effort to be happy for him, to be happy about him being gay. Now, it came naturally and that she had taken a liking to Jude was evident. Not that Connor was surprised, anyone getting to know Jude would be crazy not to fall in love with him if you asked Connor.

The real change in Mia had come after Jude had played board games with them, after that his mother was almost as big of a supporter of him and Jude as his father was. Truth be told Connor was a bit relieved that his mother didn’t match Adam’s level on that subject.

“Hey Jude…” Mia looked at Jude through the rearview-mirror with a look of sympathy. Jude looked at her to let her know she got his attention.

“I… I heard about what my dear husband gave you yesterday.”

By reflex Jude looked down at his lap, his hands started playing with themselves mindlessly.

“Mom…” Connor groaned, not dying to talk about that embarrassment.

“I just wanted to say that he doesn’t do it to be mean Jude. He’s just like that.”

“He knows that mom.” Connor sounded irritated, wanting the conversation to stop.

“Let me talk to Jude, sweetie.” The matriarch eyed Connor causing him to sigh and look forward. Mia continued.

“Listen I know he likes to embarrass people and he thinks he’s way funnier than he is but… but he likes you a whole lot Jude. You can trust him with anything. That’s all I wanted to say.”

Jude nodded.

”Ok, thanks Mia…”

Connor was pleasantly surprised. His mother had once again outdone herself.

Jude didn’t know why. There was something loving in the way that Jude was welcomed in the Steven’s family that made him calm despite what had happened not half an hour ago. Connor, who was hiding his damaged right knuckle from his mother, was also thinking about how lucky he was. He knew he was lucky that his parents liked Jude so much, not all were that lucky. He thought about Mike’s brother for second before pushing it aside, now is not the time.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“Hey Jude can you pass the lettuce?”

Jude passed the lettuce over to Adam. The table was filled with taco ingredients and the four of them were about to start eating. Jude and Connor sat side-by-side on the opposite side of Mia and Adam.

“So Jude, when do you have to be home?”

“If I’m back at 8:30 that’s fine. I can take the bus.”

Adam gave Jude a look that told him that was out of the question. Mia and Connor laughed.

“How’s school going Jude?” Mia asked.

“Umm… it’s going good.”

“You get good grades?” Mia did know he got good grades, she just didn’t know the extent of it.

“Mom, Jude doesn’t know what a B looks like on a report card.”

Mia looked a bit surprised hearing that from Connor.

“Really? Is that true Jude?”

Jude hesitated a while.

“I _know_ what they look like. But…”

“Wait you have A’s in everything?”

Jude nodded shyly.

“Yes. Well not in P.E. but that doesn’t cou-“

Mia laughed and Adam chuckled.

“Connor told me you were a genius but I thought he was exaggerating.”

“I’m not a genius…”

Connor looked over at his boyfriend who was blushing slightly. He noticed that the collar of his wine red shirt was a bit wrinkled and memories from a few hours earlier flashed by. Connor forced them away seeing Jude smile a bit, the skin of his perfect face glowing as the San Diego sun lit up parts of his face. Connor acted on instinct, he had to.

“Yes you are, you are my genius.” Connor said and leaned over and kissed Jude on the cheek.

Jude was pink before but was now turning red. The weird part was that Jude didn’t freak out, he didn’t even feel all that uncomfortable. Somewhere he did acknowledge that the old Jude could have gone into a panic attack but now here he was, blushing and feeling loved.

“Husband dear, are you crying?”

“Wh-what? No… I got something in my eye.”

“Must be the onions, huh?” Mia said teasingly giving Adam a napkin to dry off his watery eyes.

“Sorry… I couldn’t resist, you were too cute.” Connor whispered to Jude while smiling.

The four of them continued eating and the mood was easy going, Jude absolutely loved it. Small things like Connor and Adam bickering over the last piece of cheese, Mia telling stories from Arizona and Connor laughing were more than enough for Jude to make it a memorable night. Mia noticed Connor’s hand when he reached for something on the table.

“Sweetie what’s happened to your hand?”

Jude froze for a second but tried to act casual about it.

“Umm… Mike accidently opened his locker and I kind of bumped into it, it looks worse than it is.”

Adam chuckled.

“If I didn’t know any better it almost looks like you’ve been in a fist fight.”

Connor snickered. Jude could tell it was fake but Connor did a good enough job at hiding it from his parents.

“Yeah you know me dad, always getting into fights.”

Mia and Adam laughed slightly and Jude tried to join in without it sounding all too awkward. The conversations were really light and carefree until Mia asked of Jude, unknowingly of course about the significance.

“Hey Jude I was wondering. Can I ask something about your locket?”

Jude glanced over at Connor who had the same worried expression that he did.

“Yeah… ok.”

“I couldn’t help noticing it’s the same kind of locket as Connor got from Mary Birch.”

Jude was picking at his food, not looking at anything but down at his plate. Connor was weary, ready to interfere if needed to.

“It’s just such a sweet memory but I… I saw that yours was damaged, such a shame. If you don’t mind me asking how did that happened?”

Adam looked over at Mia before looking at Jude. Adam didn’t think it was a completely appropriate question as everything regarding Jude’s parents could be a sensitive topic.

Jude’s mind raced. Thing was, Jude really didn’t want to lie to the Stevens’s, ever. On the other hand, telling them the truth wasn’t an option. Or was it? No, it isn’t. Of course it isn’t, stupid.

”I… I scratched it out.”

Everyone at the table went silent, the sound of cutlery against porcelain ceased in an instant. Mia didn’t know what to say, she realized that the conversation got more serious than she had anticipated.

“Oh… I’m… ok.”

”Listen, Jude doesn’t want to talk about it but he scratched it out after his parents died because it reminded him about things he wants to forget. Ok?” Connor said.

”Yeah of course. I’m sorry Jude, I didn’t know.” Mia apologized and Jude responded in a low voice still not looking up from his plate.

“It’s ok.”

Adam broke the silence after a few moments.

“So who’s up for dessert? I made banana split and no, son, before you protest I didn’t even think about it until after I had finished it so don’t even start.”

Like that the tension from before was gone which both Jude and Connor were grateful for. Without asking, Jude started clearing the table after everyone was finished.

“Hey Jude, what are you doing?” Adam looked confused.

“Umm… I’m just… putting away the plates?”

“No no no, you’re our guest. We take care of it.”

Connor gave Jude a small smile, knowing Jude had acted out of habit.

“Ok we’re going up to my room now, thanks for dinner!” Connor said and Jude filled in.

“Yeah thanks a lot, it was delicious.”

“No problem boys, hope studying goes well.” Adam teased.

Connor lingered behind and Jude started to walk up the stairs. Connor turned towards Mia and whispered.

“Did you finish it?”

“Yes. I think he’ll like it. Come down when you’re ready.”

Connor nodded and joined Jude upstairs.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor closed the door behind them, ignoring Adam’s half-jokingly request of keeping the door open.

“That went… ok, I guess?”

Jude nodded and smiled. He glanced at Connor’s teddy bear in his soccer outfit, still sitting on his desk.

“Yeah. Your parents are great you know.”

“They like you.” Connor said and walked up to Jude putting his hands on his hips. He continued.

“But not as much as I like you.” He smirked at Jude.

”Is that so?” Jude looked up to face his boyfriend, feeling warm all over just from the proximity. He’d missed his touch so much even if it was only yesterday that they had lay in Jude’s bed.

Connor nodded before leaning down and kissing Jude on the lips. Connor really planned on just pecking his lips but of course he couldn’t pull away when he tasted Jude’s sweet lips. Jude usually stayed passive during their kisses but this time Connor felt something new. Jude put his hands on Connor’s hips, rubbing his sides with his thumbs.

The kiss lasted for a few moments, without using words somehow they both felt like they had things to discuss. Jude put his head towards Connor’s chest and closed his eyes. They stayed like that for a minute, feeling each other’s warmth but both being deep in thought.

“Jude…?”

No answer, Jude kept burrowing his face in Connor’s chest.

”Jude, we need to talk about what happened.”

Jude sighs.

“I know… I’m just trying not to think about it.”

Connor tries to let go of Jude but Jude clings on to him. Connor chuckles.

“Jude… Let’s sit on by bed.”

Jude nods in Connor’s chest but he still clings on. He’s feeling cold and Connor’s warmth feels essential for him. Connor starts walking awkwardly with Jude still holding on to him.

Reluctantly Jude lets go of Connor and they sit down cross-legged position in Connor’s bed. The moment that Jude separates from Connor his mind starts racing. The memories from a few hours earlier hits him hard. The feeling of feeling hopeless and scared. What would have happened if Connor hadn’t showed up? What were they planning?

Jude looks down. Connor has noticed the change in Jude, he can see that his mind is occupied. Connor looks down at his own fists and the skin that cracked when it made contact with the faces of John and Scott. It stings a bit but nothing Connor can’t handle. He feels conflicted. This was the first time that Connor had gotten into a fight. Connor doesn’t like violence, he really doesn’t. Also, he knows how Jude feels about it and that alone is reason enough to restrain from using it.

However, when he saw Jude lying on the floor crying and John and Scott standing there having pulled of his shirt there was just no way. He would have done it again. And again and again. This kind of scared him because it had happened three times before, this anger. The first time was when Mike told him about when John and Scott pulled off Jude’s pants. Time two and three had happened the same night. It was Halloween, the first time was when Chris was challenging him after hitting on Jude. Second time belonged once again to John and Scott when they had scared Jude and if Connor hadn’t arrived as early as he did they would have done something worse to him.

Perhaps Connor wasn’t as smart as Jude was but he was not an idiot. He could see the connection. He knew that all the times was because of the brown haired boy sitting beside him and Connor’s need of keeping him safe. Ok that time with Chris _possibly_ had something to do with jealousy but let’s not poke holes in Connor’s theory.

“Connor?”

Jude’s voice penetrating the silence.

“Ye-yeah?” Connor’s being brought back into the present.

“Are they… are they going to be alright?”

“You mean…?”

Jude nodded, he looked so sad and worried. Connor didn’t like that.

”They’ll be fine. I think I might have… I think Scott’s nose might be broken.”

Jude sniffled and looked away for a second, worry still on his face. Jude swallowed hard, he was playing with his own fingers again.

“I hate that you had to do that…” Jude was speaking with a low voice, like he usually did when he didn’t like to talk about something.

“Me too Jude. I don’t… I didn’t like doing it.”

Jude looked up before Connor continued.

”But I would do it again.”

“What do you think they’ll do?” Jude was now whispering, his jaw trembled. Connor put one hand, his unharmed left one, on Jude’s knee to try and comfort him.

“I don’t think they’ll ever bother us again.”

Connor didn’t tell Jude exactly how hard he had hit the both of them. Connor knew he was strong but he didn’t know how strong he was until he saw John and Scott blacking out the moment his fist made contact with their faces. John was already unconscious when Connor landed hit number two on him. Had Connor had the chance to go back, that punch would have been undone, but he didn’t have that luxury.

“You can get in trouble?” Jude still looked so worried.

Connor shrugged.

“Yeah, maybe. But I don’t think so.”

“You don’t?”

“How many written warning have they got for harassing you?” Connor already knew the answer.

“Two…” Jude said.

“So one more incident and they are expelled for good from Anchor Beach, those are the rules, yeah?”

Jude nodded, still thinking about how they should have been expelled years ago if the school knew about everything they had done to him.

“Yeah… so you’re right, I might be in trouble but I don’t think so. I don’t think they want to explain what they were doing in that locker room.”

Jude nodded again, he started whimpering.

“Bu-but Connor… they saw my… they saw the tape…”

Connor thought about it for a second. Not sure how to put it.

“I’m… I’m not 100 % sure they did…”

Both boys went silent for a while. Jude suspected where Connor was going with this.

“Jude…”

Jude looked up at Connor with wide eyes. He had heard it. Connor was starting to cry.

”Jude your back…”

Tears running down Connor’s cheeks. He couldn’t hold it in, the memories of the sight all too strong. Connor tried to be strong, for Jude. But having someone hurt Jude, having someone hurt him so badly was just not something that Connor could handle. He felt helpless.

“Connor it’s ok… It doesn’t hurt that much anymore.”

Connor closed his eyes, still crying silently. He shook his head.

“It’s not ok… it’s far from ok.”

Jude’s small hands found Connor’s, first the one resting on his own knee and afterwards Connor’s wounded hand which Jude carefully took.

“Don’t cry Connor, please don’t cry.”

Connor tried to compose himself. He took deep breaths. They were a bit irregular but after a while of doing something that reminded Jude of his own breathing exercises Connor had at least stopped crying even if it took several minutes for him to do so.

Both of them looked at their connected hands, carefully caressing each other as a way of comforting the other without using words. They stayed like that for a minute, Connor was busy thinking.

“Hey…” Connor said, Jude looked up and met his eyes. Connor looked… Jude had a hard time placing it, hopeful? No that’s not it.

“Yeah?”

”We got him now.” Determined. That’s what it was. Jude had seen it before, especially when Connor was doing sports.

Jude gulped.

“Wh-what do you mean?”

“Those… scars on your back. You can’t have done that to yourself.” Connor’s eyes were piercing his. Jude knew why, Connor thought he’d found a solution to everything but Jude… Jude worried. Connor had a point though, he had a good point.

“But he… he’ll tell everyone…” Jude hated this. Connor was so strong for him, always. And Jude… Jude was a coward who didn’t deserve Connor.

Connor bit his lip. He hadn’t thought about that. Jude had a point. He wouldn’t put it past Phil to do that to Jude if he was about to go to jail.

“We… we’ll figure this out. Ok?” Jude spoke.

Connor looked deep in thought and bit his bottom lip while he nodded at Jude.

“We should take pictures of it.”

“I… I already did that.”

“Umm… you did?”

Jude hesitated. It was Connor sitting opposite him but still he hesitated. He took a deep breath. He could trust Connor.

“I always do…” Still, his voice isn’t steady. 

Connor was taken by surprise.

“Umm, what? You… explain it to me Jude.”

Jude looked down and sniffled, voice barely audible.

“I was planning on telling you… If something happens to me-“ Connor wanted to protest, his body going stiff and Jude noticed but with a hand gesture he told Connor to let him finish.

“If something happens to me… In my box, where I keep my locket. You remember right?” Connor nods, still feeling uneasy from Jude’s words.

“In my box I have… pictures. From when he has… done things.” Jude chokes and takes a minute before he continues.

“I’ve taken them afterwards… every time. But Connor I… I don’t want you to ever see those pictures, ok? There are… things there I don’t want you to see… even if…”  

Jude trailed off. Finally, he looks back at Connor.

“Ok… It was smart of you to take those pictures. We might need them later.”

Jude nodded at him. Jude looked at Connor who was wearing a white t-shirt with a print and light blue denim jeans, for once not skinny jeans. His eyes stayed for a while taking in the facial features of Connor. His sun kissed skin, that perfect chin dimple, his thick kissable lips… Jude felt lightheaded. He needed to lie down.

“Connor, can I… on you, like Saturday night?”

Connor smiled at Jude. Jude had missed that smile that surely had the means to end a world war if necessary. Connor lay down on his back and put his left arm up inviting Jude to put his head on his chest before holding onto him.  

Jude burrowed his face as deep into Connor’s t-shirt as he could. He inhaled and it smelled… it smelled of Connor and Jude felt warm all over.

Connor felt content. He snickered thinking about how crazy it is.

“What?” Jude asked when Connor snickered.

“No nothing, it’s just… It’s just weird how having you near me makes… everything alright.”

Jude smiled wide into Connor’s shirt and kissed the fabric.

“I know, it’s the same for me.” _My sun…_

From where Jude was lying he had a perfect line of sight to Connor’s teddy bear, as Mr. Clueless didn’t seem to get it on his own Jude figured he might push him.

“I love that teddy bear, he’s so cute.”

“Yeah?” Connor looked over at it, biting his lip.

“Yeah, I do…”

Connor turned his head back and started to play with Jude’s hair.

“Not as cute as you…”

Jude almost sighed out loud as Connor clearly didn’t take the hint.

They lie in Connor’s bed without talking but constantly caressing each other. Jude touching Connor’s chest and Connor planting kisses in Jude’s hair while playing with it.

“Hey Jude… I’ve been thinking.”

“Uh-oh.” Jude said teasingly, Connor chuckled.

“You know your parents’ names are Sarah and John, yeah?” Connor careful to say ‘are’ and not ‘were’.

“Yeah?” Jude wasn’t following.

“And my name is Connor.”

“Yes. I know that.” Jude snickered.

Connor didn’t say anything so Jude apparently had to ask.

“Yes, so what Connor?”

“Sarah and John Connor?”

“What? Connor I’m really not following.”

Connor used his best imitation of someone talking with a thick Austrian accent.

“Are you Sarah Connor?”

Jude laughed and smiled wide, loving the dork whose chest he was resting on.

“You are so weird, what are you talking about and why are you talking like that?”

Connor laughed hearing Jude’s utter confusion.

“Have you not seen Terminator?”

Jude shook his head.

“Nope.”

Connor continued to chuckle.

“Well ok never mind then.”

“If I had, was it a good reference?”

Connor hummed, telling Jude he thought it over.

“It was ok, not great but ok.”

When Jude had stopped laughing Connor continued talking about life changing topics.

“You know Jacob?”

“Yeah, what about him?”

“If you two would marry he could be named Jacob Jacob.”

Jude laughed again. Connor sounded so informative.

“These are the things that keep you up at night?”

“I got a very active brain… sometimes.”

Both of them smiled wide, thinking about everything and nothing. After a while, Jude had a more serious question.

“Do you believe in God?”

Connor, not ready to be asked that, took a minute before replying.

“I think so… I believe in something, don’t know if it’s God or… something else. Why do you ask?”

“Just curious. But you’re never in church, right?”

“Nah… dad’s an atheist and mom doesn’t care enough.”

Jude smiled, he knew Adam was a reasonable man through and through.

“How about you… do you believe in God?”

“No… I don’t. I think I used to when I was a kid but not… not anymore.”

Jude smiled to himself.

“I believe in you.”

“In me?” Connor chuckled in that way that always melted Jude’s heart.

“Yes… you’re my God.”

Connor continued laughing slightly while stroking Jude’s hair. Jude smiled while continuing.

“Lord Connor.”

“Lord Connor?”

“It has a nice ring to it. Lord Connor.”

Connor responded with a wide smile plastered on his face.

“You… you are something else Jude Jacob.”

Connor kept kissing Jude’s hair, knowing full well he might be a little addicted.

“Connor, can we listen to some music?”

Connor frowned without Jude noticing it. He can’t remember Jude ever listening to music, never when they had studied anyways.

“Yeah, sure.”

Connor took his phone out of his pocket and started Spotify.

“What do you want to listen to?”

“Something… slow…”

Jude closed his eyes as Connor put on a playlist consisting of mostly ballads. They lay in Connor’s bed, holding on to each other and listened to the slow songs coming out of Connor’s phone. Jude listened to Connor’s heartbeat, his chest rising with each breath. Jude still couldn’t believe all this was real, that’s why his hands never left Connor’s body. Yes, that’s the reason Jude is telling himself anyways.

“You…”

Connor started but stopped himself. When he didn’t go on Jude asked.

“What?”

“I just…”

”What Connor?”

”Have you ever… you know, danced with anyone?”

Jude probably should have laughed at that, as the question was ridiculous. Of course he hadn’t. It was a secret of his, he didn’t know why but sometimes he fantasized about it. Living with another family was the most common one, but after Connor entered his life he’d thought so many times about how it would feel to do just that, move to the music holding on to his superhero. This fantasy had always seemed too private, he would never ever find the guts to ask that of Connor.

Jude forced down saliva.

“No… never.”

A few moments of silence, Connor’s jaw nearly disconnecting itself from the way it moved. Luckily for Connor Jude couldn’t see the full extent of his nervousness.

“W… would you like to… with me?”

Jude felt tears building up in his eyes. _Stop being so pathetic Jude… keep it together._ _Jeez…_

Jude’s head moved some in Connor’s chest. Connor didn’t dare to ask if it was a nod or a shake. Silence. Connor had to gather the courage to ask him.

“Jude? It’s ok if you don’t want to-.”

“Yes. I want to.”

Jude got up from Connor’s chest. They looked at each other and no more words were needed.

Hazel met brown and time ceased to exist.

They just looked into each other’s eyes for a long time, still sitting on Connor’s bed. Connor moved to get off of the bed, Jude looked at Connor’s phone.

“Can I?”

Connor gave his phone to Jude after unlocking it. Jude tapped for a moment before putting the phone down on Connor’s bedside table. Their eyes found each other’s again and Connor took Jude’s hand as they slowly stood up never breaking eye-contact.

Connor recognized the song coming out of his phone, it was a slow version of a song he’d heard before even if Connor didn’t listen all that much to new music.

Connor put his right hand on Jude’s hip and Jude let his left hand and arm rest upon Connor’s arm and shoulder. Jude lay his head towards Connor’s warm chest while the fingers of their other hand stayed intertwined.

Slowly they started to move to the music. Connor already had tears in his eyes and the first one had dropped into Jude’s hair. Why his body reacted this strongly he didn’t know, why did this moment feel so important? They had just started their journey together but something told Connor that he had to remember this moment forever.

Jude was trembling. He could feel it too but for now he just closed his eyes and tried not to soak Connor’s shirt with his tears. Never in a million years would he found someone like Connor. That hope hadn’t been present in Jude’s life for many years was not something new to him, his plan of surviving until he was 18 had almost become an obsession. But, here he was. Life had begun. A life with Connor had begun. Jude’s gut, that had been absent since it jumped out of Lena’s office, made itself known. Jude was for some reason to hold on to this moment.

Slowly Connor brought their connected hands towards Jude’s chin making him look up at him. A few seconds of stillness, savoring the moment, before Connor leant down towards his boyfriend.

Both pair of lips tasted salt as they joined together. With eyes closed they shared their most meaningful kiss to date. Their lips barely moved but still the message was clear, both of them were exactly where they wanted to be. They could probably tell each other with words a thousand times that they loved each other but still, their kiss said it all.

The song playing in the background reminding them of just that, that they found love in a hopeless place.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The song faded out and it wasn’t until then that their lips parted. Both of them were trembling and they stayed close with their eyes shut. Connor and Jude tightened their grip, Connor of Jude’s waist and Jude of Connor’s shoulder.

The next song started playing and they finally opened their eyes. Seeing Jude’s perfect face and watery eyes did what it always did, it hindered Connor’s breathing. _Unreal…_

Connor wasn’t planning to do it but he did. He leaned forward and planted a kiss on Jude’s nose. His lips stayed on it for a few seconds before he receded. Jude smiled slightly which caused Connor’s lips to twitch upwards. Jude did plan on it, his eyes flickered down to it and he just had to do it. Jude leaned upwards and kissed Connor’s chin dimple. His lips stayed about as long as Connor’s had on his nose.

Jude’s lips parted from Connor’s chin and when they looked into each other’s eyes they both smiled with their whole face. They hadn’t spoken a word in a while but when they did they did so at the exact same time, in unison they said.

“I’ve always wanted to do that.”

Both of them snickered loudly from their impeccable timing.

The song in the background started singing about that is must have _been_ love but that it was over now. Jude giggled.

“Sorry, should have queued a better song…”

Connor smiled when he suddenly remembered what waited downstairs. Jude had a curfew so time wasn’t unlimited. Connor hoped that Jude would appreciate what waited downstairs, his parents and he had gone to great lengths completing it.

“Thank you… for this.”

“Thank you. I… I’ll never forget it.” Jude looked at Connor, making sure he would never forget it.

“Our first dance together.” Connor smiled, showing Jude his white teeth. Jude’s gut told him, something… but he ignored it. Connor’s smile had a way of taking all the bad things in the world away.

“So listen… there’s something I… we want to show you.”

“We?” Jude’s brow crooked.

“Yeah… my parents have helped me with it.”

“Umm… okay… what is it?”

“It’s downstairs and I… I rather show you if that’s ok?”

Jude nodded, he both liked and didn’t like that Connor didn’t tell him. Good thing he trusted Connor, otherwise he would surely have been worried.

They walked down the stairs and got into the living room where Mia and Adam were watching TV.

“Oh, hey boys. Everything ok?”

“Yeah. Yeah everything’s great. I… I want to show _it_ to Jude now.”

Adam smiled and so did Mia. Both of them got up from the couch.

“We should sit down.” Connor said to Jude.

“Umm… okay.” Jude was beginning to get a bit nervous. Adam and Mia walked into Adam’s study, they came back after a few moments but didn’t return to the couch but stayed at a distance. Jude saw that Adam was holding something. A book? A photo album? Jude wasn’t sure.

”So listen…” Connor started and Jude listened carefully. He could already tell from Mia and Adam that it was something that had meaning.

“I… I haven’t been able to stop thinking about when you to-told me that you only had that… that one picture of your mother.”

Jude nodded slowly, not really liking this subject, perhaps Connor didn’t know how sensitive it was to him but he had to listen to Connor as he was trying to convey something to Jude.

“So… I… I…” Connor kept choking, not sure what to say.

“I asked mom and dad for help.”

Jude looked over at the Stevens’s who were smiling slightly at him.

“And we… we have done something for you. I… I hope you like it.”

Jude couldn’t speak. The topic almost bringing him tears already. A flash before his eyes from when Phil with his hand in Jude’s scalp forced him to watch it all disappear in the flames.

Adam walked up and handed what Jude now saw what looked like a photo album to Connor before going back to Mia. Connor nodded at his parents and they left the room.

“So tell me if… if you want to be alone I can wait in the kitchen.”

Jude shook his head. Without knowing what it was he knew that he wanted Connor there. Jude always wanted Connor near.

“Ok…” Connor nodded, showing Jude he understood that he was to stay. He took a deep breath.

“So after you told me and mom and dad about what your parent’s jobs were we got an idea… we searched online databases and checked at the hospital that your mom worked and… well here.”

Jude wasn’t able to speak. Connor put the leather bound photo album in Jude’s lap. Jude was looking at Connor with wide eyes. He almost looked scared and Connor noticed that his hands were shaking.

“Go ahead, open it.”

Jude gulped. Still looking scared he looked down at the album. He strokes the leather with his hand before slowly opening it up. Connor looks at Jude the entire time.

Jude’s shaking hands finally manages to open it up and the cover falls down in Jude’s lap. Jude barely glances at the first page before both his hands are completely covering his face. Jude is shaking and is crying into his hands.

Connor takes the opportunity to look down and read the header of the first page.

“To Jude Jacob - in loving memory of Sarah and John Jacob.”

The rest of the page has only three pictures and Connor recognized them as their prom photos. There’s one of them individually and the one in the middle is of the both of them smiling at the camera. They are marked with a date and where the pictures were taken.

Connor smiles, his parents had done a great job putting everything together.

Jude is still covering his face and he’s starting to rock his head while sobbing loudly. Connor puts his hand on Jude’s shoulder and he can feel that his entire body is shaking to it’s core. Gently he rubs Jude's shoulder, it takes several minutes for Jude to calm down. When he finally removes his hands Connor sees that new tears are being formed in his eyes every other second.

Jude looks at the page once again and his jaw begins to tremble. Slowly he looks over at Connor. Jude looks shocked before he looks back at the page. He moves his hand to the page and touches the pictures as if he had to check if they were really there, Connor of course recognizing the action taken by Jude.

Jude begins to sob again as his fingers gently touches the middle picture. He is in no state to use his words. His hand, still far from steady, slowly turns the page. As the two pages spread open Jude once again covers his face with his hands but this time he doesn’t cover his eyes. Connor watches as tears from his eyes travel down his hands while Jude looks at the photos in front of him.

Connor glances down, it’s pictures only of his mother. He sees pictures of her from med school, from when she worked as a nurse and there's also a group picture in which she's present. They are all official photos, taken from ID’s or the similar but they are in good quality and most of them look good. He looks back at Jude and he can tell that they look more than good if Connor was to ask Jude.

Jude refrains from crying for about a minute before he begins sobbing again. Connor is almost taken aback by the amount of tears that Jude's eyes can produce, they are literally streaming down from his eyes.

Jude starts to take shallow breaths and Connor can see him doing his breathing exercises that he told him he needed to do during panic attacks. This wasn’t a panic attack though but apparently the exercises were needed to keep him somewhat in control of his emotions.

Jude still hasn’t spoken since seeing the album and Connor understands why seeing the state that he is in. He still looks in shock when he turns the pages and sees more pictures of his parents. There aren’t that many but Connor, Mia and Adam had done their best to find as many as possible.

When Jude turns the last page he recedes back in the couch and once again starts crying into his hands. Connor carefully closes the album and puts it on the living room table.

Connor moves closer to Jude letting him know he was there if needed. He gives Jude time to try and calm down. It took longer than Connor had anticipated but after a while Jude returned his hands to his lap. With his eyes still closed Jude tried to speak.

“Co-Co-Conn-“ He chokes on his words, he sounds like he’s stammering.

“I’m here Jude.” Connor puts his hand on Jude’s and rubs it with his thumb.

“Yo-yo-you…” Jude, still whimpering.

“Yo-you di-did that… fo-for me?” Connor had to concentrate to hear him. That Jude's emotional is of course an understatement.

“Yeah, we all did. Do you like it?” Of course Connor knew that Jude liked it but it was the best he could come up with.

Jude had his eyes still closed when he nodded, a few more tears escaped them.

Connor stayed beside Jude and looked at him. When Jude finally opened his eyes they searched for Connor’s. He still looked like he couldn’t believe what was happening.

“You… yo-you have n-no idea h-how much this m-means Connor…”

Connor smiled at him, he had an idea. Seeing Jude like this, Connor surely had an idea.

“I-I… I have to tell them…” Jude held onto Connor’s hand and they got up from the couch. Jude was walking like he was in some kind of dream state. He touched the photo album one more time before he, on shaky legs, walked hand-in-hand with Connor towards the kitchen.

Adam and Mia had heard him crying but they figured that Connor had it under control. When Jude and Connor came into the kitchen they both looked at him and both their chests clenched. Jude looked so small, his face and eyes were red. Adam and Mia got up from their chairs and stood beside each other and smiled at Jude. Adam had a hard time keeping it together but he made an effort. His soft spot for Jude not making the situation easy for him to handle.

Jude repeated himself from before, this time looking at the Stevens’s.

“You… y-you did th-… that for me?”

Adam couldn’t speak so he signaled to Mia to do the talking.

“Yes… of course sweetie. We wanted you to have it.”

Jude let go of Connor’s hand and walked quickly over towards Mia and Adam. Connor gasped as Jude threw himself into Mia’s and Adam’s arms, hugging and holding onto them for dear life. Jude was crying uncontrollably as Connor’s parents held onto him. Within a few moments, Adam began to cry. Mia tried to but she couldn’t hold back the tears either, holding onto Jude's frame crying on her shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up: "Chapter 70: Waterloo - A final crushing defeat "
> 
> There will be 71 chapters in Waterloo, that means only two more updates to go. 
> 
> Thank you all for reading and commenting, cannot tell you how much it means.
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr


	70. Waterloo: A final crushing defeat

Jude was still holding onto Mia and Adam. Connor had joined them and had put one of his hands on Jude’s shoulder, telling him he was there. Jude had been crying uncontrollable for a long time now and Connor began to worry. Jude didn’t seem to be in control and that was rarely a good thing.

Jude’s head was squeezed between Adam’s and Mia’s. Adam had his eyes closed for the entire time and Connor could see his father giving his all not to let his emotions get the better of him. Mia seemed more ok even if she still sniffled every now and then.

“It’s ok Jude… It’s ok.” Mia tried to comfort him.

After a few minutes Jude let go of the Stevens’s and took a step backwards. Connor stood beside him and Jude found his hand. Jude still seemed too emotional to be in control but Connor didn’t know what to do, he only wished that his parents wouldn’t say the wrong things.

“When Connor told us you didn’t have any picture of them we knew we wanted to help. It was our pleasure.”

Mia was the only one of the four that was in any condition to speak. Connor was still shocked over that Jude had hugged his parents, especially for as long as he did.

“A shame that you lost them, but at least now-.”

Mia started talking but Jude didn’t let her finish.

“He burned them.” Jude said in a low voice. Connor froze. Jude was clearly not in control. With wide eyes Connor looked at Mia and Adam. Mia looked confused and Adam looked about the same as Connor.

“What?” Mia said, thinking that she misheard.

“I didn’t lose them. He burned them.” Jude was still speaking in a low voice but his tone was distinct.

“Jude…” Connor said, not sure that Jude realized what he was saying.

“Wh-who… who burned what?”

Before Jude could say anything Connor leaned in front of him, making sure he got eye contact. Connor repressed thinking about anything else than to make sure that Jude was alright.

“Jude. Are you ok?”

Connor saw the moment when Jude regained full control of his actions. His eyes became clearer and the pace of his breathing changed.

“I… I think I have to go home now.”

Connor looked over at Mia and Adam. Their faces not hard to read. Concern and worry most prominent and in Adam’s eyes Connor could detect something he’d only seen one time before, a hint of anger.

A few moments of silence.

“Please… I have to get home.” Jude pleaded.

Adam cleared his throat and spoke for the first time in a long time.

“Ye-yeah, of course Jude. I’ll take you.”

“Can Connor come with?” Jude looked at Adam, the answer an easy one for him.

“Yeah, of course. Yeah let’s go.”

Jude smiled slightly as a thank you, not a genuine one but a courtesy one.

“Hey... do you want to leave the album here?”

Jude nodded at Connor. That sounded best. Even if Jude badly wanted to look at it tonight he knew it wasn’t safe to do so. He couldn’t risk it. Connor was concerned over how calm Jude seemed, he didn’t know if Jude even knew what he had told them.

The car drive from Connor’s house to Jude’s was a silent one. Adam was looking straight ahead the entire time, he couldn’t stop thinking about what Jude had said and what that meant. Connor was furious. He wanted to put his fist through the car window. No, he wanted to put it in Phil’s face. He wanted to hit him and never stop hitting him until he was no more. Luckily Jude didn’t see any of this, Jude himself was occupied by thinking of the pictures of his parents that he just had seen.

Connor glanced back at Jude through the mirror. Jude was… was he smiling? He seemed deep in thought but Jude looked calm. Connor realized that Jude probably didn’t know what he had said and Connor… Connor worried. That Jude was damaged physically he had seen with his own eyes, but Connor began to understand that the years of abuse had taken its toll on Jude’s psyche as well. Fury once again rose in him and he had to look away from Jude. Connor decided there and then, Jude was to be put together again if it so was the last thing he did, he promised himself.

Adam stopped the car outside of Jude’s house, Phil was probably not at home as his car wasn’t there.

Adam and Connor were still silent, something Jude would have picked up on if he wasn’t deep in thought himself just thinking about the pictures he had seen.

“Thank you… For everything. I’ll start crying again if I talk more about it so I won’t.”

“It’s ok Jude, you’re welcome.” Adam responded.

Connor took a deep breath and pushed his plans of murdering Phil on hold for a moment. He turned around in his seat and when he saw Jude he smiled because… well it was Jude.

“See you in school tomorrow.”

Jude gave him a warm genuine Jude smile.

“See you… love you.”

“Love you too.”

Adam closed his eyes, obviously some onion left overs still somewhere near his eyes.

Jude got out of the car, he waved at them and walked into his house. Even after Jude had closed the door, Adam still didn’t start the car. After a minute he said.

“Did you know about that?”

Connor was looking straight ahead, anger rising again.

“Yeah, I did...”

Adam went silent, not sure what to say.

“I'm sorry.” Connor added. He knew that Adam had wanted to know about it but it wasn't his story to tell, it was Jude's.

Father and son stayed quiet for a minute.

“He can’t stay there.” Adam said and started the car.

Connor agreed.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_Tuesday, Anchor Beach_

Connor and Jude had texted for the entire night. Jude told him at least ten times how much their gift to him had meant. They didn’t discuss what Jude had told them but Connor was really glad that Jude seemed to be alright after the John & Scott incident.

Just before going into first period Connor got a new text.

“Miss you boyfriend, can’t wait until lunch. *making out*”

Connor smiled wide and quickly typed in a reply before putting his phone away.

“Miss u 2 =) *tongue kisses*”

Connor took his usual seat at the back next to Mike.

“Wow, someone is happy.”

Connor didn’t even know that he was smiling like a fool.

“I have no idea what you are talking about.”

Mike chuckled.

“Well you haven’t responded to my texts, which I’m by the way still pissed about, but seeing you like this kind of makes it ok.”

“Yeah… sorry about that. I was meaning to but… been kind of busy.”

Mike smiled and gave Connor a look.

“Kind of busy huh?”

”Yeah busy.”

”Wild guess here, but I bet Jude was about as busy as you?”

Connor’s smile from hearing his name betrayed him. Mike laughed slightly again.

“Man, I told you. Just a matter of time.”

Connor just smiled at him. Mike looked… well he smiled but his eyes were almost looking at him fondly.

“I… I’m so fucking happy for you Connor.”

Connor nodded at him, thanking him with his body language. He found it a bit odd, he seemed happier than a friend normally would get. Mike seemed to become self-aware.

“And hey make sure not to break-up again because you were a fucking buzzkill.”

Connor chuckled. Both of them looked ahead again as class was starting. The door opened and vice principal Lena walked in.

“Ok class before we start Mrs. Adams-Foster has something to say.”

The noise died down within a few seconds, Lena’s authority questioned by no one.

“Good morning students.”

She cleared her throat.

“Yesterday two students here at Anchor Beach were assaulted.”

Several gasps and noises were let out from various students. Connor stayed still and tried to act normally.

“It happened in the boys locker room and must have happened sometime after last period ended.”

Lena looked around, trying to meet as many pair of eyes as possible.

“We are looking for anyone who knows anything about this.”

A moment of silence before a student that Connor didn’t know spoke.

“Can’t you just ask them who it was?”

Lena hesitated a second.

“They… they won’t say.”

“Who was it that got beat up?” Darla asked, Connor was surprised he remembered her name.

“The students that were assaulted were John Baker and Scott Mitchell.”

Several snickers were heard and the noise level rose in the room. Connor stayed quiet. He could feel Mike’s eyes on him and as he looked over he could see Mike looking at his hands. Connor put his left hand over his right one, hiding his bruised knuckle.

“I know who it was that beat them up, karma!” Some unknown boy blurted out causing many of the students to laugh.

“Silence!” Lena raised her voice and with that silencing the room in a second. If Lena raised her voice you listened.

“The doctors say that John might never recover full sight on his eye. This is no laughing matter. Violence will never be tolerated at Anchor Beach.”

Lena took a moment and let the message sink in before she spoke again.

“There were most likely more than one person involved in this. I say it again, if anyone knows anything about this, you have to let the school administration know about it.”

“That is all. Thank you for listening.” Lena said and left the room.

The class got started. Connor didn’t dare to look over at Mike. He had noticed, he must have. Connor had done what he could covering up his knuckles with skin colored plasters.

“Hey?” Mike leaned closer and whispered.

Slowly Connor turned his head. Mike must have seen him being worried.

“Are you crazy?”

“What?” Connor whispered back.

“Why are you looking at me like that? You seriously think I’m going to tell anyone?”

“I… I… sorry.”

Mike laughed slightly.

”They deserved it, yeah?”

Connor looked ahead. Thinking about Jude lying crying on the floor with his back exposed.

”Yeah. They did.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor opened the door to the bathroom. Jude was standing there waiting for him.

”Hey, there you are.”

“Hey… I’ve missed you so much.” Connor walked up to Jude who was standing by a sink. He put his hands on Jude’s waist and wasted no time before giving him a kiss.

Jude giggled over that Connor practically ran up to him just to kiss him before he remembered what he was to ask Connor.

“Did Lena come and talk to you guys?”

Connor nodded.

“Yeah… she did. I told you they didn’t want anyone to know about it.”

Jude still looked un-easy.

“She didn’t seem happy about it… I… I hate that you had to do that Connor.”

“If she knew why I punched them, I bet she would smile when no one saw. It’s ok Jude. Really.”

Jude looked down. He still didn’t like it.

Connor put two fingers under Jude’s chin and gently made him look back up at Connor again. When Jude’s huge brown doe eyes looked into Connor’s eyes it took him by surprise, Connor knew they shouldn’t be able to still make him breathless but they did. Jude’s symmetrical face, with his porcelain skin and his turned-up shaped nose surely were enough to make him weak-kneed. However, it was the eyes that made Connor lose track of everything else.

It had always been the eyes. They were standing in a bathroom, not Connor’s idea of a romantic place, but Connor had to tell him this instant. How he’d been able to not tell him for this long was beyond Connor.

“Jude I… I’ve… Yo-your eyes.” Connor took a much needed moment. Jude kept looking at him.

“Your eyes are the most beautiful thing in this world.”

Jude didn’t want to smile or laugh hearing Connor say that, it was borderline cheesy. He could see that Connor was emotional though, that he meant something by saying it. He did manage not to laugh but he couldn’t resist smiling, Connor looked too adorable.

“ _My_  eyes? Connor you… I… I don’t.” Jude really didn’t have the words.

He took a breath. Connor was still looking at him like he was made of gold. Jude blushed, it was embarrassing but he needed to tell Connor.

“I seriously wrote  _hazel_  over five pages in my notebook the first weekend after school started.”

Connor snickered. It still was the best thing Jude had ever heard, Connor’s laughter.

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.” Jude didn’t hesitate before he filled in while smiling.

“It was not my proudest moment.”

Connor leaned down and kissed Jude once again. Their lips lingered for a moment, tasting each other. They pulled apart knowing that not doing so would only get them into trouble as they probably wouldn’t be able to stop kissing at all.

“I know we can’t spend time together today but tomorrow yeah? You didn’t have any classes after lunch, right?” Connor asked.

Jude nodded.

“Yeah I’ll come over tomorrow. I can stay until I have to make dinner.”

Connor nodded at him, this was good news. Connor could see that Jude was thinking about something, his eyes kind of zoned out and he kept biting his bottom lip.

“How… how embarrassing did your parents think I was?”

Connor furrowed his brow.

“What do you mean?”

“I… I hugged them.” Jude looked down.

“Yeah? I mean yes I was surprised but… embarrassing?”

Jude didn’t say anything. He didn’t look at Connor either.

“Jude? They… know what it… meant that you did that. If anything it made them love you even more.”

Jude glanced up at Connor hearing him use  _that_  word. He smiled shyly for a second before regaining his neutral expression.

“You know they do it all the time…”

Connor wasn’t following.

“In movies… they hug all the time.”

He continued listening to Jude who was talking in a low voice, his eyes alternated between looking at Connor and downwards as if he was thinking while talking.

Jude kept his gaze looking down, he chewed on his lips while his eyes started to sting.

“It feels so good you know…”

Connor put his hands on Jude’s hips and pulled Jude into his embrace, letting Jude rest his head on his chest. Not for the first time, Connor’s action made Jude forget about all his troubles as he entered their world. Jude closed his eyes, never ever wanting to leave it.

Connor kept holding onto Jude like that for several minutes, the shorter boy sniffled a few times before he started talking again.

“Hey… I… I don’t want to have secrets from you. I want you to know but I… I hate having to tell you b-bad things all the time.”

“Don’t say that, I want to know everything about you. Tell me what you feel that you… want to tell me, ok?”

Jude nodded with his head still resting on Connor’s chest.

“Yesterday. I don’t… Sometimes I don’t… I bl-black out. I don’t remember everything.”

Connor tightened his grip of Jude hearing him choke up a few times.

“I know…” Connor planted a kiss on Jude’s hair, being careful not to mess up his hairstyle.

“Di-did I do something… bad?”

For a second he thought about if it was a good thing telling him about what he said about Phil burning the pictures but he decided against it.

“No, nothing bad. Nothing bad.”

Connor can hear Jude literally sigh from relief making Connor smile for a second before remembering something.

“Hey Mike and Jashlob are not eating with you today, right?”

Jude had to think for a moment.

“Yeah… yeah you’re right, it’s only me, Madison and Hannah today.”

“Perfect.” Connor said with a smirk.

“Connor?” Jude didn’t like this. Well he didn’t hate it but he didn’t like not knowing what Connor was up to.

“Oh nothing. And… they know about… us, right?”

Jude slowly nodded, trying to figure out what his dork of a boyfriend was up to. Connor was still smirking, mischief written all over his face.

“Relax, it’s nothing bad.”

“You look way too pleased with yourself.” Jude tried to look suspicious but Connor looked too cute looking at him like that so Jude smiled more than he wanted to.

“Ok we better go now. We text later right?”

“You know. You can sit with us if you want to?”

“Nah, I promised Mike I’ll join him. Can’t ditch my friend for my boyfriend, not cool you know.”

Jude was not buying it, but he let it slide this time.

“Okay… we’ll text later then.”

Connor stole one last kiss from Jude, making him blush. Jude shook his head, feeling silly for blushing. It must have been because he wasn’t ready for it he reasoned. No, he didn’t really believe that himself.

They walked out of the bathroom. On the way to the cafeteria Connor said.

“Oh that’s right, I forgot some books in my locker, we’ll text.”

“Ok, bye.”

They looked around but as they weren’t alone in the hallway they had to settle by telling each other how they felt with their eyes.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude and Madison were talking and laughing, Jude was smiling and was even making jokes. Hannah remained silent and observed them, or rather Jude. Of course she was happy seeing Jude happy, the thing that concerned her was that she barely recognized him. It was like he was a different person than he had been just a few months ago.

She knew that he had fallen in love with Connor Stevens, and Connor had fallen in love with him. Sure love can be exhilarating but… there was something else. Something must have happened to make him act like this. Had Connor already broken through the walls that Hannah had tried to for years? Yeah, he probably had. Hannah worried though. Jude’s foster dad could never know about it. She had heard him talking about what he called  _deviants_. He had not been shy letting his hatred shine through.

_I hope you know what you’re doing Jude…_

“Hannah!” Jude called for her attention, he had a shocked expression on his face but he was also smiling.

“What?” She had zoned out, not hearing their conversation.

“I can’t believe you told her about what Connor’s dad gave me.” Jude was blushing, but he was smiling. The old Jude would have started to cry and run and hide in the bathroom or something. Hannah’s mind once again distracting her.

She laughed slightly.

“Sorry, I just thought it was really funny.”

“Embarrassing was what it was. But I love Adam, he’s the best.”

“Oh my god are you going by first name already? You’re practically married to Connor.”

Hannah could tell that Madison was having a great time. Madison liked the fact that Jude was dating a boy more than she would ever admit to. Hannah didn’t mind her friend obviously supporting her former boyfriend in his new relationship, she was genuinely glad for Jude’s sake.

The only thing bothering her was the change in his behavior. Sure people can change but Jude was fragile, Hannah knew. Not that long ago he had stormed off when Madison has blurted out asking him if they were having sex. Somehow she didn’t think he’d have the same reaction now.

“What kind of lube did he get you?” Madison said casually while taking a bite from her sandwich.

“Maddie!” Hannah protested and looked at Jude awaiting his reaction. He looked uncomfortable.  _Thank god._

He squirmed some in his seat, Madison noticed.

“I’m sorry Jude if that was too much, you can always tell me to shut up. I just… I like the new you.”

Jude hesitated moment looking down at his plate. When he looked up he made a point of looking both Hannah and Madison in their eyes, telling them he had something to say.

“Hey… this is… me. The real me. This is who I want to be.”

Hannah bit her lip, not really knowing what to make of it.  _What has happened?_

Madison smiled wide, apparently liking what she was hearing.

“Welcome Jude! I liked the old Jude too just so you know.”

Hannah smiled at Jude when he looked at her, she didn’t know what else to answer him.

“So, what kind of lube?” Madison wasn’t giving up.

Jude snickered and blushed again, Hannah was honestly glad that the topic wasn’t something he  _wanted_  to discuss.

“Ju-just  _condoms_.” Jude whispered the word condoms even though their conversation already was private.

Madison gasped. She looked… offended? Hannah laughed slightly at Madison’s expression, she looked like she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Madison always a master of exaggerating every small little detail.

“Bu-but, is he stupid or something?”

Jude and Hannah looked at her, not knowing what she meant. Madison kept opening and closing her mouth, like she was trying to grasp the situation.

“I mean… giving you condoms but no lube? That’s like… that’s like buying you a house but not giving you the keys, you know?”

Jude felt the need to hide his face in his hands. Hannah just shook her head.

“No Maddie, I don’t think that’s the same thing.”

Madison shrugged and looked at Jude, while looking smug she nodded slowly.

“Jude knows what I’m talking about.”

Jude looked up with wide eyes.

“Wh-what? No, I don’t.”

“Riiiiight.” Madison took a sip from her juice box.

Jude wanted the conversation to stop like ten minutes ago and just like that he saw his super hero making his way to their table. Hannah also saw him.

“Oh look there’s Connor.”

The three of them smiled at Connor as he approached their table. Jude noticed that something looked a bit weird, was he holding something behind his back?

“Hello.” Connor said. Jude recognized the tone, Connor was enjoying himself a lot.

“Hey Connor.” The girls said, Jude smiled at him as a greeting.

Connor looked at Jude and Jude was getting a bit un-easy. Connor brought his hand that he held behind his back and put a tub of… Haagen-Dazs on the table in front of Jude. They all stared at it with their mouths open. After a moment Connor said to Jude.

“You know… for later.”

Connor winked at Jude before looking over at Madison who was speechless, mouth still wide open. Connor kept looking at Madison who followed his eyes as he walked away from their table.

When Connor had walked out of the cafeteria the three of them sat and stared at the tub. Jude could not believe that Connor just did that. Neither could Hannah. Madison looked like she wanted to disappear from the world - no the universe, this very instant.

A minute of silence before Hannah started to give away muffled sounds. Then she giggled. After a few moments she was laughing so hard that she had tears in her eyes.

Jude glanced over at Madison, she still looked like she was in shock. Jude started to smile, most likely because of Hannah infectious laughter. He tried to repress it but surely he at least had a slight smirk at his face when Madison finally gathered the courage to look at him.

“You… you told him?”

Jude did his best at looking completely innocent. Most likely not doing a great job at it.

“I can’t believe you told him!”

Madison hid her face in her hands. She was completely red, Jude cracked and joined in laughing with Hannah. Jude could not stop thinking about how much he loved his boyfriend. Even now. Especially now. He was a complete dork and Jude loved it and him with all of his heart, this he was sure of.

After a while Madison was able to at least appreciate that Connor had been kind of funny even though she still couldn’t help thinking that she would never be able to look Connor in the eyes again.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Like he always did when he was at home at night, Jude lay in his bed and reflected over just about everything. He and Connor had texted. Connor had been very pleased when Jude told him that he and Phil hadn’t even interacted since he came home a few hours ago. These last couple of days had been amazing, there was no other word for it. Connor had told him that he already knew about his secret and it didn’t matter to him and with that life had started for real. Jude was happy. It was as simple as that. Being alive was the greatest gift and he was grateful for every moment.

He smiled looking up at the ceiling.

His back was scarred, probably for life. His body had 42 cuts, not including his back. Jude had counted them. He didn’t have the parts he was supposed to have between his legs. His parents were dead. He had to be in the same house as the man that had done unspeakable things to him.

That didn’t matter right now. Jude felt like he was the luckiest boy in the entire world. Him feeling this was because of one reason and one reason only and his name was Connor Michael Stevens. Jude snickered thinking about him. How was this even possible. How had the most handsome boy in the entire school become his boyfriend? Entire school? Jude shook his head. No, the world.

However, Connor being handsome was not what made Jude smile like an idiot every time he was near. Connor was kind, he was caring, Connor was… everything that Jude appreciated in another human being. Connor was everything that he had never had in his life. He could trust Connor with anything. Connor made him feel safe, a feeling Jude had forgot all about many years ago.

There were problems though, serious problems. Connor was worried about him. Connor was probably more worried about him than he showed Jude. He knew that the situation of him living with Phil wasn’t sustainable but he didn’t see a way out.

The bare thought of coming out as gay at Anchor Beach was something that made him sweat and shudder but he guessed it wasn’t something that was completely impossible. The possibility of his secret being known by everyone, that was unthinkable. Jude would never be able to handle that, not even if Connor was with him every second of every day.

Jude knew that if he ran away or if Phil knew he had told anyone about what had transpired in this house his secret would be out. Phil would make sure of it. Phil would find a way to make all the pictures he had taken of Jude public. The pictures of him in dresses, in skirts, naked… those pictures would be seen by all.

Callie had called, again. He had denied the call. She had called him late, which meant she was probably drunk. That also meant chances were that she will try him again tomorrow. Callie always felt the need to talk to Jude the day after she had been out drinking, Jude didn’t know why but it had always been that way.

Jude had almost gathered up the courage to confront her. To hold her accountable for what she had done to him. He couldn’t pretend any longer, she needed to go away from his life. If Phil hadn’t been home when she called, he would have done it tonight. Probably.

He hated that at the back of his mind he worried about her, how she would take it. Jude knows that Callie has probably never been happy since their parents died. For too many years he had used that fact to excuse her behavior. Jude had always known that it didn’t make her actions ok. It wasn’t ok to treat him the way that she had done. He had finally come to terms with it, that she had to go. Another thing he could thank Connor for, without him he wouldn’t have had the strength to do it.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude was waiting for Connor outside the main entrance of Anchor Beach. It was lunch time and both Jude and Connor didn’t have any more classes. They had decided, mostly because of that Mia apparently had insisted, that they would eat lunch with her.

Jude was worried. He felt anxious and had done so since last night. The reason for it was the upcoming conversation he would have with Callie. He had decided to do it, but that didn’t mean he was looking forward to it. He just knew that he couldn’t fake another conversation with her, he couldn’t pretend anymore. He owed it to himself.

“Hey b….” Connor looked around. ”Hey boyfriend.” The coast was clear.

“Hey.” Jude smiled at him and they started to walk over the school yard, Mia was most likely waiting for them already.

“How was English?” Jude asked Connor who was looking happy which of course made Jude smile in return.

“It was good. The best part was seeing how uncomfortable Maddie is. She can’t look me in the eyes.” Connor said and chuckled.

“That was mean of you you know. But… she kind of deserved it.”

Connor laughed again.

“I just had to do it. Mom was about to throw away the tub when I came up with the idea.”

Jude snickered before he remembered he should tell Connor something before they get to the car.

“Hey, you know we’ve talked some about my sister and… yeah, you know?”

“Yeah… I know” Connor didn’t like Callie. He didn’t like her one bit. He hadn’t really expressed exactly how he felt but he guessed that Jude already knew, Jude could always read him like an open book.

“Yeah so… I’ve decided. The next time she calls I’m going to… stand up for myself.”

Connor looked over at Jude fondly. He felt immensely proud hearing that. It was exactly what Connor wanted him to do, not keep swallowing his pride and pretend that what she had done was ok. Connor didn’t know exactly what she had done but just the fact that she hadn’t supported him 100 % was enough for Connor to detest her.

“I think that’s great Jude. If you feel strong enough, I know it will be hard.”

Jude bit his lip, that it will be hard was an understatement if anything.

“It will… and the thing is. She might call… today.”

Jude looked up at Connor who was trying to give him a comforting smile.

“Ok… tell me if I can do anything.”

Jude thought about it. He had already thought about it a lot but still he wasn’t sure. They were getting nearer to the car.

“I… I think I want you… near but… Connor… you will probably don’t like… what you hear.”

Connor tried not to let Jude notice him swallowing down built up saliva.

“I’ll be there if you need me.”

They were about to open the car doors, Connor said before taking his place beside his mother.

“I’ll fight for us, yeah?” Connor gave Jude a warm smile and despite Jude feeling more than worried Connor's smile took it all away and Jude smiled back.

“I know. Me too.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

“Hey, you think it’s ok if I look at the… album?” Jude said the moment he, Connor and Mia had come inside. His voice pleading and unsure.

“Of course sweetie. It is  _your_  album. You look at it anytime you want. Ok?”

Jude smiled and so did Connor, mostly over the fact that his mother had started to call Jude what she’d always called him affectionately. Connor knew it meant something to Jude too, he could see it on Jude’s face every time she did.

Jude held out his hand and Connor took it, letting Jude lead the way to the living room. Connor’s eyes couldn’t for the life of him stop looking at Jude. His sparkling eyes melting Connor’s heart. In this moment, Jude was happy.  

Jude didn’t let go of Connor’s hand as he looked closely at every picture in the album. Every now and then Jude started to tremble. Every time that happened Connor tightened his grip of Jude’s hand and gave him a kiss on his cheek, calming him down again. Jude was doing good though, he stayed in control and not that many tears escaped his eyes this time and when they did it was the good kind.

After they had looked through the album for the third time Jude closed it and leaned back into the couch. He closed his eyes, took deep breaths and sniffled.

“I still can’t believe you did this for me…”

Jude began to cry again. He had tried to resist it but the emotions finally took over. Connor leaned in and pushed Jude’s head so that it rested against his shoulder.

“I’m sorry…” Jude was so sick of crying in front of Connor.

“It’s ok baby… Let it out.” Connor kissed Jude’s hair and held him close. He could feel Jude’s body shivering for a few seconds.

“You ok? You shivered?” Connor had to ask. Jude had stopped crying and was only sniffling now.

Jude nodded against Connor’s shoulder.

“It’s just…” Jude paused a moment before he sighed in defeat.

“I just love when you call me that…” Jude felt so pathetic that Connor calling him that made him shiver. Like literally shiver. Pathetic.

”What? When I call you baby?” Jude’s body was more prepared this time but still it moved some. Jude didn’t mind. He could hear in Connor’s voice that he had been smiling while saying it.

“Yes.” Jude leaned his head so he was able to kiss Connor’s shoulder.

“Well you are my baby so, get used to it.”

Jude might as well accept that he’s pathetic because he just giggled hearing that. As Connor was planning on using the word multiple times in the same sentence Mia came in from the kitchen, saving them both from more embarrassing lovey-dovey stuff.

“Lunch’s ready boys!”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor and Jude went up to Connor’s room after they had eaten. Mia had already left as she was getting some shopping done before Adam came home. The boys had planned on getting some school work done. Connor had actually studied a lot on his own, he wanted to show Jude how much him tutoring him had helped. 

Jude’s phone started ringing. Jude and Connor looked at each other. Jude looked uneasy. Connor nodded slightly at Jude before he took out his phone from his pocket.

“It’s her…”

The phone continued to ring.

“Are you ready?” Connor asked carefully.

“I… don’t know.” Jude gulped as his phone continued to ring.

“Tell me if you want to be alone.”

“No… no stay. I think I need you here to be able to do it.”

Jude took a deep breath but just as he was about to answer it, his phone stopped ringing. Connor and Jude looked at each other, not really knowing how they felt about it. Relieved? Disappointed?

Jude’s phone buzzed. Jude read the text message out loud.

_”Please Jude, we havent talked for a long time, I miss u!”_

Jude snorted.

“She’s hungover. She’s always like this.”

Connor stayed silent as Jude typed in a reply. When Jude sent it Connor asked him.

“What did you say?”

“That she should call me. That we need to talk.”

Connor gave him a slight smile, feeling proud over his boyfriend once again. This needed to be done. Jude was thinking the same thing, he just hoped that he would stay in control, both for his and for Connor’s sake.

Jude’s phone started ringing again. Jude walked over and sat down on Connor’s bed while Connor stayed and leaned against his desk.

“Hey.”

“Heeey little brother. Finally, you picked up.”

”Ye-yeah… been busy.”

“So how is everything? School’s going good?”

Jude bit his lip. The question lingering for a moment. Jude swallowed hard.

”Listen I… I can’t do this anymore.”

Connor focused on breathing. Knowing that this conversation was one of the most important one’s for his boyfriend.

Callie was silent for a few moments.

“Umm… what do you mean?”

Jude almost snorted but he refrained, he heard it in her voice that she knew. She already knew.

“You know what I mean.”

Jude’s tone cold. Connor had never heard it before but he most certainly understood where it came from. Jude was talking in a steady voice. He had decided.

“Pl… please Jude don’t do this.”

“Do what? What did you think Callie, that I just… forget everything and we… we pretend for the rest of our lives?”

Jude could hear his sister breathing through her nose.

“I… I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

This time, Jude did snort.

“You… you are something else, you know that?”

“Please Jude-.”

“Oh now it’s Jude.”

Connor of course was observing the conversation closely, Jude had started to sound angry, or hurt, or a mix of the two.

“What do you mean?”

“What do I mean?!” Jude raised his voice, Connor was getting worried.

“I… I asked you to call me Jude since I was seven years old!”

Heavy breathing the only thing Jude could hear from his sister.

“Do you remember when you called me Jude for the first time?”

“I…” Callie went silent.

“Because I do! I was fourteen!”

Connor had to sit down on his desk chair. Hearing Jude nearly scream in anger those words made his heart ache.

Brother and sister just listened to each other breathing on the other end of line. Jude took a deep breath. He wasn’t finished.

“Do you want to know where I am now?”

Callie hummed something back that Jude didn’t hear. He didn’t care.

“I’m at Connor’s. Connor is my boyfriend. Connor… loves me. Did you hear that? He loves me.”

“What?”

“Yeah that’s right. He loves me. He loves me.” Jude kept repeating the words. Connor could see tears forming in Jude’s eyes for the first time since he and Callie had started talking.

“Does he… know?”

“Yes he knows and guess what, he doesn’t care!” Jude sounding aggressive again. Connor not sure what to do so he stayed sitting on his chair feeling worried. Jude was talking without any filter.

Silence for a few moments before Jude started crying. Jude put one hand against his face before he started whimpering.

“Ho-how could you say… how could you say that to me?”

Seeing Jude crying made Connor stand up. He walked over to the bed and sat down on it, still giving Jude some space but showing him he was there if Jude needed him.

Jude could hear Callie sniffling and that her breathing was irregular.

“Say wh-what?”

Jude continued crying. After a minute he managed to say, voice just above a whisper.

“You told me… you told me that no one is ever go-going to love me…”

 Connor stopped breathing and his eyes stung. He needed to stay strong for Jude.

“I d-don’t remember saying that Jude.” She lied.

Jude kept crying into his hand.

“How could you say that to me…”

Jude could hear that his sister was also crying by now. It took a moment before she responded.

“I… Jude I j-just wanted… I wanted you to be normal… for your own sake.”

With that Jude stopped crying but his voice was still affected making it sound hoarse and broken.

“Yeah you were always looking out for me weren’t you?”

Callie remained silent. She couldn’t make herself say that, the lie too great.

“Like when I had my first birthday in this…  _home_. You remember that? I was turning nine Callie. Nine.” Jude sounded disgusted using the word home.

Callie didn’t say anything. She remembered. It was the moment that she lost Jude for good.

“You remember what he gave me as a present?”

Callie was crying, Jude did his best to avoid it but tears ran down his cheeks.

“You should. You were in the room.”

“Please Jude… stop.” Callie pleaded in-between her sobs.

“I couldn’t go to school for a week you know. I couldn’t WALK!” Jude screamed the last word startling Connor.

“Please Jude I’m sorry… I’m so s-sorry.”

Jude snorted again. He dried his cheeks from his tears. Connor could see Jude’s eyes glowing out of anger.

“You’re sorry? Guess what sis’, I don’t forgive you. I will NEVER forgive you.”

Jude was breathing through his nose. He looked furious while tears kept forming and going down his cheeks. Connor didn’t dare to make a sound. He was afraid that Jude was starting to lose control.

Jude’s angry voice turning into a broken and sad one as he continued.

“It was supposed to be you and me Callie… when mom and dad died… but you… you could never even pretend to like me. Do… do you have a-any what… what that did to me?”

“I’m sorry Jude…” Callie didn’t know what else to say. The day that she’d feared for so long was here. Jude was saying goodbye to her, she already knew this. She deserved it, this she also knew.

Jude and Callie kept breathing heavily. Jude had so many things to tell her, to force her to remember but he was aware that Connor was sitting next to him and he didn’t want Connor to know about everything. For Connor’s sake, not for his own.

“You know what’s so messed up Callie…”

No response from his sister, she probably was in no condition to talk.

“Even after all that… even after you… helped him by holding me down and… and…” Jude stopped for a moment. He looked over at Connor and reached for his hand. Connor moved closer and held Jude’s hand.

“Even after all that I… I still loved you Callie. I loved you because… you were all I had.”

Callie cried into her hands. She knew this. She also knew the moment when Jude stopped loving her, after that he never looked at her the same.

“But I stopped loving you… That day.”

Jude’s small hand was holding onto Connor’s so hard that Connor’s hand was turning white. Jude’s voice small, he whimpered. Jude sounded tired, so tired.

“Callie he… he tried to cut it off and you… you told them I did it myself.”

He began to cry again. His whole body shaking from out of nowhere as he revisited among the hardest of memories. Connor tried his best to comfort him, rubbing his hand with his thumb and his shoulder with Connor’s free hand.

Jude choke on his words, but he had one last thing to say. One last thing to tell his sister, it’s the strongest memory he has of her.

“Y-you saw him… do those things to me and you… I looked u-up at you and I be-be-begged you to m-make him s-stop… And you… you closed the door Callie. You closed the door!”

With that Jude dropped his phone on the floor and he instantly leaned into Connor’s arms. Connor rocked him and let Jude cry. Connor glanced at Jude’s phone lying on the floor. After about a minute, Callie hung up. Connor had only heard Jude’s words but that was all that he needed to hear. Connor was beyond heartbroken and now, that Jude was in his arms he allowed himself to cry silently.

“I’m so proud of you.” Connor repeated those words as he continued to rock Jude while keeping him safe in his arms.

With his body language Jude showed Connor he wanted to lie down on the bed on Connor’s chest. Quickly becoming their favorite position. Connor really was proud. Jude had cried a lot but that was to be expected, thing was that Jude had stayed in control nearly the whole time.

“You ok?” Connor asked him when Jude was down to only sniffling.

“No.” Jude said truthfully.

“But I will be.”

A million things were going to Connor’s head. He felt so proud and glad for Jude’s sake, that he had had the guts to do what he just did. Connor also felt so sad, sorry and concerned hearing more about what Jude had been put through. It was inhumane. Connor had earlier though about if he would have survived the things that Jude had. Now Connor was thinking that he most likely wouldn't have.

Connor felt another thing as well. Anger. Again. He didn’t like it but it was there and it was directed at Jude’s sister.

“Hey Jude… you know it’s going to be alright, yeah?”

Jude got his breathing under control. He listened to Connor’s words and he thought about it. He got up from Connor’s chest and he looked him into his hazel eyes. Connor’s warmth. Connor’s honest eyes looking at him. Connor’s everything. Jude smiled. He shouldn’t be able to but he did. Seeing Jude smile nearly brought tears to Connor’s eyes but his body settled with letting his heart skip a few beats.

“I know Connor.” Jude shook his head in disbelief. “I know it will be.”

Connor gave Jude a blinding smile. Jude’s eyes flickered down to his white teeth and to his dimples that always became visible when Connor smiled that wide. Connor said.

“I love you Jude.”

Jude’s smile didn’t disappear as Connor’s words made him cry silently. He found himself pathetic but that didn’t stop a few tears from making their way down his cheeks.

“I love you too Connor. I love you so much it’s… it’s not even funny.”

Their moment was interrupted when they heard that Mia had come home. That meant that Jude had to go back to his house soon to make dinner for Phil. Mia yelled from downstairs that they should get going in five minutes.

They got up from the bed while holding hands. When they got to the middle of Connor’s room Connor stopped him. Jude turned towards him and Connor picked him up in his arms and hugged him tightly. Jude was taken by surprised and giggled for a second as his feet left the floor. Connor held him so close and Jude wrapped his legs around Connor’s waist for support. Not that Jude didn’t think that Connor could hold him for hours but the position felt more comfortable that way. Their cheeks were touching and Connor inhaled Jude’s scent. He whispered into Jude’s ear.

“You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Jude melted, not as much from Connor’s words as from the way he said it. Probably also from the way that Connor was holding onto him and hugging him as tight as when they both had been shirtless in Jude’s room.

Connor couldn’t make himself let go of Jude. The feeling was so strong, it felt like if he let go of him now Jude would be gone forever. It was of course silly but Connor had to hold onto him with his eyes closed. Connor could feel Jude’s hands doing what they had done when they hugged the first time. They were constantly moving over Connor’s back as if Jude couldn’t get enough of him.

Jude could not get enough of Connor’s warmth.  _My sun…_  He moved his cheek against Connor’s and smelled Connor’s hair. This was exactly where he was supposed to be. Nothing had felt more right. They should stay like this forever, but that was not in the cards.

“Jude! Sweetie we have to go now!”

They both sighed at the same time but Connor didn’t put him down for a full minute.

Connor cupped Jude’s face as he had done many times before. His eyes looked deep into Jude’s. He memorized them. He looked at every little detail of what he considered was the most beautiful thing in the world, Jude’s deep brown doe eyes. He looked at the lashes, long and thick.

“You can’t look at me like that…” Jude finally said, truthfully.

“Deal with it, Jacob.”

They stayed like that, not able to look away and frozen in time.

“Jude!”

They had managed to forget that Jude was supposed to go downstairs so that Mia could drive him home. They both felt nearly embarrassed over it, getting lost in the world of theirs.

“I have to go… don’t want to make her wait any longer.”

Connor nodded. He understood.

“Just one kiss?”

Jude rolled his eyes like he sometimes did when Connor was asking him questions like that.

“Fine.”

Connor chuckled and leaned down and connected their lips. With eyes closed Connor tasted Jude’s lips as he let his tongue move over the bottom one first and then meeting Jude’s tongue that desperately searched for his. The movement of lips and tongue made Jude let out soft moans, he could never get enough of Connor’s kisses.

Knowing that Mia awaited they broke the kiss. Neither of them was able to speak so they just said goodbye with their eyes. The moment their eyes was about so say goodbye a strange one for them both. They… hesitated. Connor felt a chill going through his body and Jude’s chest clenched. At the same time, they both faked a smile and even though they both could see it they didn’t call each other on it.

Jude walked up to Connor’s door. As he turned the doorknob he hesitated again.  _What is happening?_

Jude turned around and took one last look at Connor. Connor had a blank expression.  _Weird._

He swallowed hard, opened the door and closed it behind him. With a lump in his stomach he left Connor’s room and joined Mia downstairs.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_Later that evening_

The Stevens’s were sitting in their living room. Connor’s parents noticed his mind being occupied but when asked if something was wrong he had told them no. Connor picked up his phone, he smiled seeing their last text conversation.

“I miss U already. Love U baby =)”

“Love you too =) See you tomorrow.”

Connor had felt the need to text Jude about 60 seconds after he had left with Mia. Connor turned his attention back to the TV.

Suddenly, Connor’s phone started to ring. His parents looked over at him.

“Who’s calling this late?”

Connor picked it up from his pocket. The number being unknown to him.

“I have no idea…”

“Well answer it, could be important.”

Connor’s life was forever being split up into two parts. The time before he answered the phone call and the time after he answered the phone call.

“Hello?”

“Hey is this Connor?!” A male voice on the other side, unknown to Connor. He sounded stressed.

“Yes it is, who are you?”

“You’re the Connor that… knows Jude?”

“Umm… yeah I know Jude-.”

“I… You need to get over there. Now.”

“Wh-?”

“Jude could be in trouble. I… I’m not sure how exactly but just get over there, ok?”

Hearing that made Connor’s heart stop. He got up from the couch and said to Adam.

“Dad! We need to go to Jude’s house, now!” Adam must have heard the desperation, Connor wasn’t asking.

Connor kept talking on the phone as he and Adam ran to the car.

“What’s happened? Why is he in trouble?!” Connor was shaking all over as he tried to talk as clear as possible while sitting down in the passenger’s seat.

“I’m… I’m not sure, she… She’s not making any sense. She’s crying and screaming and she’s drunk and I… I don’t know. She says that she’s told  _him_ , that  _he_  knows and that I needed to call you.”

Connor’s blood froze.

“Dad you need to hurry, please dad hurry!”

“Listen man I don’t know anything more than this but if… I care about Jude so just get over there.”

After that everything became blurry for Connor. He can’t remember hanging up the phone but he must have because he’s not talking on it anymore. He’s crying and shouting at Adam to go faster and faster. Connor is losing grip, he forgets to breath and his heart is pounding out of his chest. The idea of calling the police not even once coming to mind. Connor tried Jude’s phone. It was turned off.

He keeps begging for Jude to be ok, that he’ll be alright. Adam sitting next to him was not doing that much better, without knowing what Connor had been told he could tell that Jude was in trouble and that alone did not sit well with Adam. Adam kept running red lights and ignoring stop signs as long as it was at least semi-safe to do so.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_At Jude’s house_

Dinner with Phil had been like they usually were, they had barely said a word to each other and Jude had gone back up to his room after he’d cleaned up.

Jude lay in his bed and contemplated over things. He noticed he could lay on his back without feeling that much pain anymore. He took out his phone and read most of the text messages he and Connor had sent to each other. With a smile on his lips he put his phone back into his pocket.

After a few minutes, his phone buzzed. He smiled until he saw who sent it. It was Phil. Jude’s jaw started to tremble as he opened the message received.

“Come downstairs I need help with the pc damn anti-virus doesn’t work”

Jude sighed from relief and put his phone back. Phil needing help with the computer nothing new and unusual. Jude walked down the stairs and towards the living room. He wanted to waste no time getting this over with and once again he didn’t notice the outer door being locked with the lock that only Phil had the key to.

Phil’s computer was in a small confined space right next to the living room. The only thing fitting in the small room was the computer and a chair. Phil was sitting on the couch, Jude payed him no attention as he walked by and sat down at the chair. He heard Phil getting up out of the couch but it mattered little. As soon as he was done with this he could return to his room.

Jude opened the anti-virus program to check what was wrong with it.

“Umm… it seems to be working fine?”

No response from Phil. Jude once again checked for any problems with it.

“What’s wrong with it?”

Once again Phil said nothing. Slowly panic started to rise in Jude. Jude got up from the chair and took the single step needed to be back into the living room. His eyes kept checking for signs. The fireplace wasn’t lit. Everything seemed to be in order. The… the door going to the backside was locked. It usually was but the key was always in it so you could unlock it from the inside. The key was not there.

Jude didn’t dare to even breath as his eyes slowly travelled across the room until he was looking at Phil. Phil was standing in the doorway to the living room, blocking the only way out. Phil’s eyes were black. Jude got scared. He could feel himself shaking, an action that usually caused Phil to laugh. This time Phil remained silent as he looked Jude in the eyes. Jude could only hear Phil breathing. He always hated the wheezy sound that his overweight body let out when he inhaled and exhaled.

They looked at each other. Jude had no idea for how long but seeing Phil’s eyes he knew that this wasn’t going to end well. His body had known for a while. He could taste salt on his lips. He was already crying without realizing it. Phil held his gaze and Jude was shaking. He had no idea why Phil was acting this way but it didn’t matter, Jude saw that Phil wasn’t conflicted. Phil was determined. He was going to hurt Jude. He was going to hurt him bad.

“Your sister called me.” Phil’s voice calm and steady. Jude’s heartbeat increasing. He took short intakes of breath through his nose. Even if he wanted to, Jude could not speak.

“I see you have your phone with you. Hand it over.” Voice still calm but he wasn’t asking Jude anything, his tone commanding.

Jude slowly took out his phone, took a few steps forward and reached it in front of Phil. As Phil reached for Jude’s phone Jude could see Phil’s hands betraying him, they were shaking slightly. They always did when Phil was angry.

Jude took a few steps back. Phil had taken his phone before as punishment, he could handle that. Phil held Jude’s phone in front of him.

“What’s the code?”

“Wh-what?” Jude whimpered. That, he could not handle.

“You heard me. Give me the code to your phone.”

Jude looked down. His mind and heart raced. He searched for a way out.

“I’m not asking again, give me your damn code!”

Jude looked up with wide eyes, Phil raising his voice always scared him.

 “1…9….7…2.”

Phil tapped on Jude’s phone. Phil seemed to be searching for something. Jude can’t remember ever feeling so scared in his life.

Phil stopped tapping on the phone. He seemed to be reading something.

Phil looked up at Jude.

“No Jude. You won’t be seeing him tomorrow.”

With that Jude understood that Phil had read his text messages, the one from and to Connor. Energy leaving his body. Phil took his phone and threw it into floor, smashing it into a hundred pieces. Jude gasped. He stayed absolutely still. Phil was silent. He kept looking at him for a long time.

“This is the thanks I get. I took you in when no one else wanted to. I took… you in. Even though you are what you are.”

The fact that Phil had only done it for the money and for getting an outlet for his sadistic and sick side was not something that Jude was about to bring up. His life was in danger, of course he knew this.

A few more minutes of just silence. Jude couldn’t take it. Phil just standing there, watching him. Jude still had tears running down his cheeks and he couldn’t stop shaking even when he tried to.

Phil reached to the side table and picked up a knife he had hidden behind a book. Jude recognized it. It was the same one he had used to cut Jude with. Jude let out an involuntarily high-pitched noise before he began to cry.

“You’re forcing me to do this.”

Phil took a step towards him. Jude stepped backwards until his back hit against the wall. Jude could see the smile on Phil’s face creeping up. Jude was apparently scared enough now. When Phil approached him Jude’s body acted on instinct and he tried to run past him but with one hard push Jude’s small frame hit the floor before he had made it out of the living room.

Jude could feel that he was losing control of his body. He noticed his body twitching and his arms and legs didn’t obey him. He was lying on his back when he felt Phil’s heavy body sitting down on his small legs, pinning him to the ground.

Phil was still breathing normally, the only thing Jude noticed out of the ordinary was that slight smile that Phil had. Phil looked down as Jude’s body spasms continued.

“I’m going to kill you Jude.” Phil’s voice still calmed and Jude lost the remaining control he had going into a panic attack. He cried and cried and his body kept shaking.

“You know what the best part is?” Phil waited to speak for a moment when Jude was momentarily not making as much noise, he wanted Jude to hear him.

“They are going to believe you killed yourself.”

Phil brought the knife and traced it over Jude’s shirt. Even while in panic Jude knew better than to beg for his life. Something came to mind, as out of nowhere.

“My-my back.”

“What was that?”

“My ba-back. They’ll see.”

Phil’s smug smile disappeared when he realized what Jude was talking about. He seemed deep in thought as he had encountered an… inconvenience.

A few moments later Phil looked him in the eyes. The smile returned.

“I’ll take my chances.”

Phil traced the knife down towards Jude’s stomach, he always like to start by cutting Jude there.

Jude was looking up at the ceiling while hyper-ventilation. He started to think about Connor because he wanted Connor to be the last thing he thought about before dying. Jude closed his eyes and smiled as he blocked out everything else but the sight of him and Connor dancing in Connor’s room. It was a perfect moment. Jude knew the knife would make contact with his body any second. Then, a loud noise. Jude opened his eyes and he saw that Phil had turned around to look at the door.

Another loud bang, it sounded like someone was trying to break the door in. Jude could see the door from where he was lying and with an even louder noise the outer door was smashed in. Jude could see a glimpse of Adam and Connor as they came through the door.

Adam grabbed the first thing he saw which was a baseball bat that Phil had placed in the hallway. Connor who had tackled the door had fallen down but got up within a second trailing his father one step behind.

As in slow motion Jude looked at Connor running towards him. He seemed to be screaming. When Adam and Connor was halfway there Jude gasped as an unparalleled pain shocked his body.

Connor could only witness as Phil raised both hands over his head before he violently stabbed Jude. The knife met nearly no resistance at all as it penetrated Jude’s stomach.

With the knife deep in Jude, Phil smiled before he looked over towards Adam and Connor. He barely got time to turn his head before Adam swing the baseball bat with all his force hitting Phil right in the temple. Phil’s body flew off of Jude and Adam threw away the bloody bat.

Connor was kneeling beside Jude. Jude didn’t understand why he wasn’t holding his hand. He wanted to hold Connor’s hand. Jude felt warm. Connor was… Connor was holding his hands on Jude’s stomach. Connor was… bleeding? Why was Connor bleeding from his hands?

Jude looked confused as he saw Connor’s lips move. He was saying something, by looking at his face Connor looked scared. Why was Connor scared? Jude could also see Adam, he was on his phone pacing back and forth. Why was Adam on his phone?

Jude was still warm. He became aware that he couldn’t feel anything. He looked at Connor who was crying and shaking his head while still holding his hands covered in blood on his stomach.

“Connor…?”

Adam kneeled on his other side. Connor removed his hands and Adam pushed something against his stomach.

“Connor I can’t feel anything?”

Audio was slowly returning to Jude.

“Please baby stay with me, stay with me baby.”

Jude looked down. He was the one bleeding. It didn’t look good, even Jude knew that. He felt dizzy. His hand searched for Connor’s. He smiled the moment Connor took it. Jude felt so warm but still, Connor was warmer.

Connor was crying. He looked inconsolable while he held onto Jude’s hand with one hand and stroking his cheek with the other.

“Jude please stay with me. Please don’t leave me.”

Jude could feel that it got harder and harder to breath. He felt lightheaded.

“Connor… I don’t… I don’t think I’m going to make it…”

Connor shook his head. He could barely speak, his voice was thick and hoarse.

“Yes, you are! J-just a little bit longer baby, s-s-stay with me baby, d-don’t leave me, stay with me.”

Adam was doing his best to try and stop the bleeding but the floor underneath Jude kept being painted red.

“Connor…?”

Connor looked so scared. Jude didn’t like that. Jude managed to whisper loud enough for Connor to hear him.

“Connor… please don’t let go of my hand…”

“I won’t baby. I-I’ll hold it until you’re o-ok.”

“You are so warm Connor… like the sun. You’re my sun.”

The last thing Jude saw before his eyelids closed was Connor. Even now, when Connor looked like he did, he was still Jude’s sun. When Jude’s eyes closed he could still feel Connor’s hand holding onto his. Jude had nothing but Connor on his mind, his presence as bright as the sun he always represented.

And with that, Jude Jacob left this world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up, the final chapter of Waterloo: "Chapter 71: Kill your darlings"
> 
> I have nothing more to add... Feel free to let me know how you liked the chapter in the comments. I'll try to have #71 uploaded asap but no promises.
> 
> I'm awesomemarrcusuniverse @ tumblr


	71. Final chapter: Kill your darlings

Mia sits by the bed. It’s become a habit. Sitting on the chair and watch her son twist and turn. Watching him sweat. Watching him scream and pant. Watching him talk in his sleep, constantly revisiting horrible memories. The nightmares don’t seem to stop, they come every night. She tries to comfort him but she knows it’s to no avail. She’ll just wake him up to hear him panting and watch him being disoriented.

One word… one name is being called out. It always did when Connor dreamt. Sometimes he cried so loud in his sleep that he woke himself up, sometimes he woke up by screaming for the small boy with the brown hair and eyes.

Sometimes, Mia has heard him say the name with affection. Sometimes Connor smiles while uttering his name. Connor’s body always moved slowly when he smiled, when it was a good dream. Mia just wished there were more of them, more of the good dreams. She understood though, why they were so few. Of course she did.

She’ll never forget when she saw his eyes the first time… after. Connor had always been so full of life. He was the light of both her and her husband’s life. How could he not be? He was the best person that she had ever met, she even thinks he outshines Adam and that’s saying something. He was a better person than she was even when he was a small child. Always teaching her to be more kind, to accept everyone, to love.

So no, Mia will never forget seeing her son’s eyes that night. The light was gone and left was a shadow of what had once been.

Mia dries her eyes. There had been a lot of crying these last couple of weeks, mostly from Connor.

Suddenly Connor sits up in his bed, he’s gasping for air and he’s sweating like a pig. Connor looks around in the room like he always did. He turns towards her. She already knows what he’ll say.

“Jude?!

She always has to break his heart by shaking her head before hugging him.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Connor pants as he holds on to his mother. He needs these seconds of her calming him down. He never remembers his dreams but he’s got a pretty good idea what the reason for him being soaked in sweat is.

Connor’s mind takes him back to that day. To that night.

Jude had asked him not to let go of his hand. A stupid thing to ask, Connor would never dream of it. He remembers it so clearly. The moment when Jude’s chocolate brown eyes closed. Jude couldn’t hold his eyelids open as his body was reacting to the heavy trauma caused to him by the knife.

Jude’s eyes are closed but then, then Jude smiles after a while. Even a minute after, Connor can feel Jude’s hand squeezing his. The slight smile never leaving Jude’s lips. Connor keeps talking to him, having no idea if Jude hears him. Connor telling him to stay with him, not to leave him behind.  Connor’s eyes flicker down to Jude’s stomach where Adam gives it his all to try and stop the bleeding using a towel. Blood. There’s so much blood and Jude keeps losing it.

It feels like they sit there for eternity, Connor and Adam both in shock. He remembers that his father was crying. He was also crying. He was losing Jude and Connor would not survive that. He could not live his life without Jude. Connor remembers that part clearly. While trying to comfort Jude he kept thinking that he wouldn’t make it without Jude.

The paramedics finally comes. Adam moves away and so does Connor but he still holds onto Jude’s hand that had stopped squeezing his hand a long time ago but Jude’s face is still smiling.

Another distinct memory. One of the two male paramedics rips open Jude’s shirt, exposing his whole torso. There’s so much blood but Jude’s scars can be seen by all and of course his tape. Connor’s sees the two paramedics looking at each other for a split second, they look worried. Connor remembers Adam looking at Jude’s exposed body. Adam looks at the tape for a second before he looks at Jude’s disfigured body. Adam hides his face in his hands seeing the vast amount of scarring.

The paramedic tells him something. There’s a stretcher beside Jude, Connor hadn’t even noticed it. They start lifting Jude, telling him to let go of his hand. Connor refuses but they don’t listen because they don’t understand that Connor had promised him. Connor screams when Jude’s hand is forced from his, Adam is holding him back. Connor sees Jude’s body disappear on the stretcher. Connor is not holding his hand and Jude is not smiling anymore.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Everything is dark. Unknown sounds in the background. Eyelids slowly opening. The room is dimly lit but that doesn’t stop the eyes from stinging. Eyelids closing again, it must have been a while since they were used.

It hurts. The body aches but he can’t feel where from. It hurts just to breath. Eyelids opening again, even more slowly this time. His right arm has a thin tube attached to it. _What is that doing there? Where am I?_

He is lying in a bed. He is tired. He is very tired. He moves his head from the right to the left. His bed seems to be the only one in the room. He sees some kind of machines… or computers. He’s not sure. When he looks down at his left hand he stops breathing for a moment. His hand is being held by a much larger hand.

 

Jude wakes up.

 

He can’t recognize the hand holding onto his.

He keeps turning his head to his left. _Is that? Yes, it is Adam._ He seems to be resting or sleeping, eyes closed and he’s breathing deeply.

Jude is feeling tired and weak, so very weak. He must have made some kind of movement because he can feel his hand being squeezed.

“Jude?”

Jude turns his head back towards Adam. His eyelids only half-opened at best.

“Jude!?”

Adam is smiling. Jude tries to give him a smile but he’s not sure if he’s successful. Adam is laughing softly and he is also crying. Jude is confused. _What am I doing here?_

“Jude, can you hear me?”

Jude moves his head slowly, trying to nod at Adam.

Jude starts to remember. Flashes coming back one at a time. Light fills Jude’s mind. Connor.

“Co-Conn-Connor?” Jude tries to speak but it’s more of a whimper. His throat hurts, clearly not been using his voice for a while.

Adam smiles warmly, he still got tears in his eyes when he nods at Jude.

“He’s on his way.”

Jude’s eyes sting. Connor. Connor is on his way.

Jude becomes self-aware. He’s dressed in some kind of… garment. He can feel that his chest isn’t taped. Adam must have noticed Jude’s terrified eyes looking down at his own chest.

“Connor… well we all told them you wanted your tape on but… the doctors said it could… umm… affect the breathing.”

Adam’s voice was calm and warm. Jude relaxed for a moment before he realized what Adam had said.

“Yo-you know?”

Adam put his free hand on top of Jude’s, cupping Jude’s left hand with his own. Adam was still smiling softly, why was he smiling? He can’t know if he’s smiling.

“Yes Jude, I know.”

Jude closed his eyes again and he could feel that he was starting to tear up. He was so weak and tired, he just wanted to disappear.

Jude tried to move his hand but Adam wouldn’t let him.

“What is it Jude?”

Jude shakes his head as much as he can. It’s not that much. He can’t look Adam in his eyes. He feels ashamed for being a liar, certainly not good enough for Adam’s son. Even in this state, when breathing is so hard it’s the only thing that Jude can think about.

“You don’t… have to… my hand…”

Adam chuckles and Jude’s heart skips a beat. Connor. It reminded him so much of Connor.

“Yes, Jude I kind of have to. If Connor came in here and saw that I was not holding your hand… let’s just say it’s in my best interest to hold it.”

Jude still had his eyes closed and was taking shallow breaths through his nose. Adam could see him being in distress.

“Hey Jude…”

Jude sniffled.

”Hey… you’re still my son-in-law you know?”

_What?_

Jude opened his eyes. He was so tired. He looked at Adam and he started to cry. His body hurt by doing so but crying wasn’t voluntarily. Jude couldn’t speak and Adam was still looking at him so fondly.

“Ok technically you’re not my son-in-law yet but I know you will be someday so I’m just thinking ahead.”

Adam chuckled again and Jude’s face could not resist smiling at him. The computers beside Jude’s bed started to give away sounds. Jude glanced over at them before looking back at Adam, he must have looked scared.

“Don’t worry. It’s your heart… it’s… it’s getting stronger.”

Jude wanted nothing else than to hug Adam and to tell him that he loved him but he couldn’t, he didn’t have the energy to do so.

Besides, Jude figured he needed the energy for when… speak of the devil. Commotion coming from outside the room. He could hear loud voices.

“There is NO running in the hallway!”

“Hey! Hey! Young man you can’t just-!”

“Jude!”

Jude could hear his name being called in-between the female voices shouting. He’d recognize the voice anywhere.

The door to his small room flew open and there he was. Standing in the doorway, there he was. Connor Stevens. He still took Jude’s breath away. Jude’s eyes found Connor’s and Jude tried smiling at him. Jude felt something running down his cheeks. Connor rushed towards the bed. Even though Connor was moving fast Jude could see that his eyes were watery. Connor disentangled Jude’s hand from Adam’s and took it in his own in such a way that Jude’s hand never wasn’t held. The action being done in such a way that it told Jude it wasn’t the first time father and son had performed it.

Adam got up from his chair and walked out of the room. He took a glance at them before closing the door behind him. The last thing he saw was Connor and Jude looking at each other in that way that only they could. Adam’s heart was about to burst but crying a few happy tears worked as an outlet.

Connor was trembling while he held on to Jude’s hand. Connor’s hands kept rubbing and caressing Jude’s, they were always in motion. Connor was so warm. Jude smiled as wide as he could. Connor was here and everything was as it should be. Jude’s heartbeat kept increasing, he even had the machines plugged into him as proof of it.

Connor started to cry but he never once looked away from Jude’s eyes.

“I thought I lost you… I thought I lost you.”

Jude shook his head.

“Never… leave you.”

Connor smiled wide with tears running down his cheeks, he even snickered from hearing Jude’s voice. It had been so long. It didn’t sound like it normally did but still it was his voice.

“Wh-what… happened?”

Connor’s smile faded some. With a firm hold of Jude’s hand Connor told him.

“You were… stabbed. He stabbed you in your… stomach.”

Jude started to remember. He remembers being called down. He remembers the computer. He remembers lying on the floor with Phil on top of him. He remembers a knife. Phil. Jude looks desperately at Connor.

”Where is… he?”

”You don’t… you’ll never have to worry about him again.”

“D-dead?” Jude feels a chill going through his body, it’s the shame he feels for wishing someone was dead.

Connor shook his head. Jude feels like he’s about to cry. That means that he’ll tell everyone. Of course Connor sees because Connor gets him.

“Jude no. Phil… can’t speak. He can’t move anything besides his eyes. He will never be able to hurt you again.”

“I promise.”

Jude processes the information. He is still so tired and weak that he has a harder time doing so than he wants to.

“Adam…? Trouble?”

”Hey baby… don’t try to speak so much. I’ll talk and you listen, ok?”

Jude nodded. He smiled over the fact that he had felt himself shivering.

“My dad hit the bat in Phil’s head. It hit bad… or good depending on who you ask, and he’ll never recover.” Connor paused for a moment, giving Jude time to process everything.

“He got arrested.” Connor saw Jude’s eyes widen. “Wait…”

“He got arrested but… I… I told the police about your box. I didn’t look at it myself I promise. So I told the police and dad told me that his defense attorney and the prosecutor had some sort of meeting and… Well dad was released after they had seen the pictures. Dad never looked at them either, I told him not to.”

Jude was surely exhausted and had problems taking it all in. He didn’t like that someone had seen the pictures but he understood that Connor had to tell them. If only he wasn’t so tired. Then, Jude saw it. It was sitting right next to Jude on the bedside table. Jude smiled when he saw it and Connor noticed.

“You didn’t think I knew you wanted it?”

Jude looked back at his boyfriend, telling him just with his eyes that he’ll never stop loving him.

“I was planning on giving it to you for Christmas but since… you know.”

Connor reached for the teddy bear and put it in Jude’s hand. Someone had put a small flag in the bears hand with a writing on it, it wasn’t Connor’s handwriting though. Jude had seen that and this one was a lot neater than Connor’s sloppy one.

 _“Property of Jude_ ” it said and Jude laughed slightly, not sure if Connor would ever know exactly how much Jude loved him.

“So hey… you should rest… We talk more when you’re feeling better.”

Jude looked at his bed. It was a big bed. And he was small. If he had had the energy, he would have repeated Connor’s by now classic words from when he for the first time was over at Jude’s.

“Can you… with me?”

Connor glanced at the door and bit his lip.

“Sure.”

Connor lay on his side as Jude wasn’t to be moved, he needed to lie still. Connor was more than careful not to touch anything but Jude’s arms. Jude could feel Connor’s warmth and a tingling sensation went through his body.

“That nurse is going to kill me if she sees me lying here again…”

“Again?”

“I just wanted to be near you…” Connor said close to Jude’s ear before he kissed Jude’s cheek. Jude smiled and most likely blushed and his body shivered again, this time Connor noticed.

“I’m not allowed in the bed and I can’t sleep in the chair, we've rented a room here at the hospital that we take turns sleeping in. Sleeping in here is apparently against _the rules_.” Connor’s tone telling Jude that he wasn't happy about that rule. 

“Last time she threatened me that she would start sticking syringes in me if I didn’t behave.”

Jude and Connor laughed and Jude closed his eyes. He was so tired but so grateful that Connor’s evil nurse hadn’t seen them.

Of course they hadn’t noticed her standing in the doorway listening to them talk and snicker. With a smile on her face she had just shook her head in defeat before closing the door again. That Steven’s kid was persistent, she had to give him that.

Jude didn’t want to sleep, he wanted to stay with Connor. His body was still recovering though so after a few minutes Jude fell asleep.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude woke up from the sounds coming from his room. He opened his eyes and saw a man and a woman looking at some papers at the foot of his bed. They noticed Jude being awake.

“Good morning Jude. How are you feeling?” The woman who was probably a doctor asked him.

Jude cleared his throat, not trusting it to work correctly.

“I’m ok… just tired. Where is Connor?”

“We needed the room to check up on yo-.”

“I want Connor. He’s my boyfriend.” Jude really wanted Connor there, it was cold without him.

The female doctor smiled.

“Yes Jude, we know that he is. Young Mr. Stevens has told us.”

“Many times.” The male doctor or nurse, Jude wasn’t sure, filled in while snickering slightly.

The two asked Jude a bunch of questions and told him things like that his blood test had shown normal values. They told him about his trauma, as they called it. The knife had miraculously missed any major arteries but he had still lost a lot of blood.

“Jude… you’re… you’re lucky to be alive.”

The man and the woman smiled at him and hearing those words made him realize something, they were right.

“Yeah. Yeah I am.” Jude was beaming and was even on the verge of laughter when he felt pain from his stomach area.

“You will have to rest for several weeks. It will take months for your body to fully recover but you’ll be able to walk around without any major problems in a few weeks.”

The female doctor checked the time.

“Ok it’s two minutes to eleven. We told young Mr. Stevens he could see you at eleven so we better get going. I’m not taking any chances with that one.”

As they opened the door Jude could see that Connor was waiting on the other side. Jude smiled at the dork. Connor asked something of the woman that Jude never got the name of before he walked quickly up to Jude’s bed.

“Hey.” Connor said with clear affection in his voice. Jude answered in the same manner.

“Hey.”

“What did you ask her?”

“If I could do this.”

Connor leaned down to Jude and before Jude could even react Connor kissed him on the lips. Jude’s lips were dry but Connor happily wet them for him. Jude moaned and he could feel his body shaking. He felt embarrassed but he wasn’t in charge of having that reaction. Connor pulled away and they were both smiling.

“More Connor…” Jude sounded needy but he was in a hospital for gods sake, he had the right to be.

Connor bit his lip, he looked sad.

“Doctor Clemenz said no tongue…”

Jude snickered at his boyfriend. Jude could form words but he had to whisper.

“I think she was messing with you Connor…”

Connor furrowed his brow. He looked deep in thought.

“You sure?”

“Pretty sure Connor. Come here.” Jude couldn’t stop smiling as Connor leaned down again and this time he kissed him like Jude wanted to be kissed. Jude could only keep his head still on his pillow but Connor made up for it. Jude could tell that Connor had also missed this. Jude couldn’t get enough and he felt awkward over how much he needed this, how much he wanted Connor to keep kissing him and holding him and… Connor has to break the kiss which Jude was grateful for.

They panted and smiled, having missed the taste of each other. Jude had gotten a little out of hand, he noticed he was probably a bit too eager.

“Sorry… I just… I needed that.” Jude said truthfully before he filled in.

“Don’t know what came over me. Sorry.”

Connor snickered while looking into Jude’s big brown eyes.

”What?”

”No nothing… it’s just. Well, you… got your shot yesterday.”

“Ummm…?” Jude wasn’t following and he certainly didn’t know what was so funny.

“You know… shot?”

”Oh… OH.” That shot.

”Bu-but how?”

”Dr. Parker came over here. We figured you didn’t want to miss… taking it and it was no problem for him. He was upset hearing what had happened though. He cares about you.”

Jude nodded, he hadn’t even thought about that.

“I warned you how I get… not my fault.”

“It’s ok. If I get to make out with you I’m all for it.” Connor smirked while sitting down in the chair next to Jude’s bed. Their hands quickly found each other’s.

Jude groaned some as he tried to re-adjust his position in the bed.

“How are you feeling?”

“Better… I was so tired… yesterday.”

“Actually you’ve slept for over 40 hours.”

Jude looked surprised. He had no idea, well why should he.

“So listen, there are a lot of people wanting to see you. Do you think you can handle that or… should I tell them to come back another day?”

Jude nodded. He was a bit tired and sore but not that much.

“Ok good. They haven’t… seen you. Just so you know. Only me, mom and dad has been allowed in here and they bended the rules even to allow that.”

“Wh-why?”

Connor gulped.

“Another time, ok?”

Connor will probably never forget seeing the face of the doctor in charge after she had examined Jude’s unconscious body. She had talked to his parents but he looked at her from a distance and she did not look like a woman that had her emotions in check. What she had seen obviously not something she wanted to see ever again in her life. They had decided there and then that Jude would need someone there to support him. Unknowingly of how Jude felt about her, they had tried contacting his sister without any luck.

“Ok…”

Jude smiled at him. The room had gotten warmer since Connor came into it. Was he just imagining that? He must be imagining it, right?

“Connor…?”

“Yeah baby what is it.” Jude smiled again.

”When I woke up… Why was… Adam holding my hand?”

“Because I said I would hold it until you were ok.”

“Y-you did? When?”

“Just before you… passed out.”

Jude nodded slowly, he remembered some from that night, bits and pieces but not everything. Jude looked down at his hand being held tight by Connor, warmth radiating from it.

“And since I wasn’t allowed in here all the time we figured the next best thing was dad so…”

“He’s too nice…”

Connor chuckled, Jude’s almost got tears in his eyes hearing it. _Pathetic Jude…_

“Trust me, he wanted to. Dad has… dad has been almost as worried about you as I have. Almost.”

Connor teared up.

“I was so… I was so scared when you closed your eyes.”

Connor was crying, his thumb rubbing circles over Jude’s hand.

“I thought yo-you… d…” Connor couldn’t even say it. Connor looked down on Jude’s bed to try and get his emotions in order.

Weirdly enough, Jude knows what Connor was talking about. He can’t remember that much after he was stabbed but he remembers when he closed his eyes.

“I’m sorry Connor… I thought that I was… going to… die.” Connor made out a low sound when Jude uttered the word forbidden. Jude felt the need to explain himself, from Connor’s reaction it wasn’t a happy memory he was talking about.

“You know when it’s just… us Connor?”

Connor nods and sniffles, he looks back up at Jude.

“For me it’s like we are in our… own world. It’s just us.” Jude snickers at himself.

“I know how it sounds… sorry.”

“No Jude it’s… it’s the same for me.”

“I wanted that to be the last thing… when you held my hand I… I closed my eyes and it was only us… in that world. I remember being… happy.” Jude still needed to pause every now and then when he talked.

Connor had tears all over his face but he snickered and smiled at Jude.

“For the record Jude, leaving the real world for our world when your boyfriend holds your hand when you are almost bleeding to death… bad fucking timing Jude.”

Jude laughs, his stomach hurts by doing so but he laughs, it feels good. Connor repeats himself while still snickering.

“Bad fucking timing Jude.”

Jude is smiling but he has to say it anyway.

“Please don’t swear.”

Connor chuckles.

“Sorry…”

They stay like that for a minute. Connor sitting on the chair by Jude’s bed while holding his hand. They smile and cry, mostly Connor doing the tear shedding part.

Connor’s phone buzzes. He picks it up and sniffles.

“Oh man… forgot the time. So hey they are waiting outside to see you. Should I send them in?”

“Who is it?”

“Hannah and the gang.”

Jude nods.

“I’ll be in the cafeteria, I’m hungry.”

“You always are.” They both smile. By habit Connor glances at the door before pecking Jude on the lips.

Connor leaves the room and the door open.

After a few seconds a familiar group stands in the doorway.

Hannah is standing in front. She’s covering her mouth and nose with both her hands. Madison is standing beside her smiling warmly at him. Chris, Jacob and Ashley are behind them. Jacob and Ashley smiling but Chris doesn’t seem to be doing so well.

Hannah walks up to him slowly. She’s crying. Jude tries to comfort her by smiling, showing her he’s alright.

“Jude…” Her voice broken. The other four are giving her some space.

“Hey there…”

“Jude…” She holds out her hand, she’s shaking. She put it on Jude’s bed, close to his hand. Jude smiles at her and grabs her hand causing her to gasp.

After that there is a lot of Hannah talking incoherently. The messages she’s conveying is that she has been worried and that she doesn’t like Phil. Possibly she felt a bit stronger regarding those issues than that but there you go.

She slips a few times, telling him that she loves him while she’s speaking non-stop. When she’s finished she looks like a mess. Jude tugs at her hand.

“I’m not strong enough to do it myself but… hug me?”

Hannah, already a mess mind you, is by now bawling as she leans in and hugs Jude for the first time. Jude’s nearly going deaf on the ear that Hannah is crying into.

Hannah gathers herself from the emotional outburst. Before pulling away she whispers into Jude’s ear.

“Be kind to Chris, he’s not been doing so well.”

She joins the others, not one of them have dry eyes Jude notices and neither does he.

They all talk as a group for a while but they all also have something to say one-on-one. Jude is overwhelmed to hear how much they’d missed him and how worried they had been. None was lying. Mostly he was surprised that Jacob, who he really didn’t talk all that much to, was as affected as he was. He could barely speak when he told Jude how much he cared about him.

Finally, it was Chris’s turn. He had been quiet but tears had been shed by him hearing the others talk.

The other four took a step back as Chris took a step forward next to Jude’s bed.

“Hey Chris…”

Chris closed his eyes and he swallowed hard. He opened his eyes again and looked at Jude. His eyes trailed down Jude’s body until it fixated on his stomach which was heavily bandaged. Chris looked up again.

“I w-would have killed him…”

Jude remains silent, he tries doing the only thing he can which is smiling slightly at Chris telling him he was ok. Chris continued.

“If Connor’s dad wouldn’t have… I would have killed him Jude.”

“I’m ok, Chris. It will be ok…”

Chris starts crying.

“Fuck man you have any idea how worried I’ve been?”

Jude’s eyes start to sting again. Chris looks so very sad.

“It’s ok Chris…”

Chris looks up at the ceiling and takes deep breaths, he doesn’t seem to be able to stop crying though. His body is trembling.

After a moment Chris looks down at Jude again.

“Fuck man, can I fucking hug you?”

Jude snickers. Normally he would call him out on the swearing but this was no normal day.

“Of course, get over here.” Jude beams at him.

The large blonde embraces Jude. He’s not crying as loudly as Hannah but not far from it.

When Chris pulls away he puts his forehead against Jude’s. Truthfully Jude wasn’t completely comfortable with the proximity but he figured it was more important to Chris than it was hard on Jude.

“I’m so fucking glad you’re alive man…”

Chris pulls away and stands beside the other four.

“Thanks Chris… and hey, please-“

“Please don’t swear.”

The five friends say, almost in unison.

They stay and chat for a while until a nurse tells them it’s time to go so they do.

Jude expects Connor to come in, well he wishes for Connor to come anyways. After a few minutes a man in a suit carrying a briefcase and a woman dressed in a blouse comes in. He’s never seen any of them before.

They introduce themselves as being from social services, they both seem nice enough while asking him the courtesy questions like how he was doing and the sort.

The man starts talking about the reason for their visit.

“So Jude. We know it’s… soon, but we wanted to talk to you as soon as possible in case you were worried about… the future.”

The future? Jude was feeling blissful just experiencing the present time, preferably with Connor of course. He had not thought about the future as of yet.

“As you are still in the foster system, having never been adopted, you will of course have to be assigned new foster parents.”

Jude nodded. This made sense but it was not something he really wanted to think about right now. His mind came up with something.

“Adam and Mia?”

The woman smiled slightly.

“Yes the Stevens’s suggested it immediately.”

The man continued.

“But… it wouldn’t be appropriate since you are in a… romantic relationship with their son, Connor Stevens.”

Jude bit his lip. How come they knew about it? The female seemed to read his mind. She smiled thinking about Connor telling them so proudly that the boy lying in that bed was his boyfriend.

“Your boyfriend is very proud that you are together… He told us, most likely not thinking about that it would mean it’s unfit for you to live with them.”

Jude looked down, it made sense to him that it maybe wasn’t such a great idea after all.

“However, we have a… suggestion.” The man said causing Jude to look up at him. He continued.

“We have a family you can live with who has their foster license and everything already in order.”

“It’s someone you already know.” The woman filled in.

“You don’t have to decide right away and if it doesn’t… work for you we’ll find something else for you.”

Jude nodded. It was all happening a bit too fast but he tried to keep up.

“Do you want to meet them, or one of them anyway?”

Jude nodded again, feeling a bit nervous.

The social workers left the room and after a minute a familiar sight were standing in his doorway.

“Hey Jude.” Lena Adams-Foster was smiling at him.

She walked up to him and sat down on the chair beside him. She glanced at his stomach before looking back up, the smile disappeared for a second but Lena forced it back.

“Hey Lena.”

Lena gulped. She was trying not to show Jude how hard it was for her to see him lying there. Her wife, being a police officer, had told her about what his clothes were hiding underneath.

“How are you?”

“I’m ok… the doctors say I will be ok.”

Lena smiled slightly and nodded.

“Did they… tell you why I’m here?”

“Yes… kind of.”

“You don’t have to decide now Jude but…” Lena made it that far before the façade cracked. How anyone can treat another human, a child the way that Jude had been treated had broken her heart. She sniffled and dried away the tears that had escaped her eyes.

“But we would love to help you Jude… both me and Stef would love for you to live with us.”

Jude waited for Lena to dry away the tears and settle down some.

“Do… you know? About me?”

Lena looked confused.

“Know about what?”

Jude’s stomach clenched, he looked down.

“Wait, you mean _that_? Jude, I’ve known that since you started at Anchor Beach.”

Jude’s bottom lip trembled as he looked back up at Lena. He didn’t need to ask her.

“As the vice principal I have to know about those kind of things. Your social worker told me when you started. I’m the only one in the school administration that knows, I’ve made sure of that… I even did some… things that I probably shouldn’t have done to make sure no one else could find out.”

Jude was deep in thought. He really didn’t think that Lena or anyone else knew but perhaps he had been stupid in thinking that. When Lena said it, it made sense she had been informed.

“Ok Jude, let me know when you decided. I know it’s a-.”

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

Jude started to cry silently. He chokes up while speaking.

“I-I w-would really like t-to live with you…”

Lena smiles at him.

“I can’t tell you how happy that makes me Jude.”

Lena is about to leave the room when she remembers something.

“Hey Jude?”

“Yes?”

“Call… call Abigail. She is worried about you. You remember her number?”

Jude nods. That he does. Lena leaves, she left out the part that Abigail Porter hadn’t been able to go to work since she heard about what had happened to Jude.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude wakes up. Connor is holding his hand. He must have fallen asleep, he does that sometimes from the medication and from his body trying to regain strength.

“Good morning sleepy.” Connor greets him.

Connor is so warm and Jude remembers something, he need to tell Connor and he needs to tell him this very moment.

He looks up at Connor and Connor is smiling, his white teeth visible between his lips. Connor is glowing like he always is, making all the anxiety coming to an end.

“You are my sun Connor…”

“What?” Connor didn’t quite hear him. He was talking in a low voice.

“You are my… you are warm… like the sun. You’re my sun.”

Connor smiled at him before he kissed Jude's hand.

“I know it’s weird but you are… I should have told you a long time ago.”

“You’ve already told me…”

“I… I have?” No, Jude would remember that.

Connor takes a breath. He tries not to think about that night but sometimes, like now, he’s forced to.

“It was the last thing you said before you closed your eyes.” Connor forces down saliva, he thinks of a happier memory.

“And you said it once before that too.”

Jude looked confused. He should have remembered that.

“When we cuddled… and you fell asleep on my chest. I didn’t hear it first since you were talking in your sleep but then I heard it.”

Jude felt his cheeks getting warmer.

“I’m sorry… I’m so awkward…”

Connor chuckled and tightened the grip of Jude’s hand.

“I loved it. When you said it… I couldn’t stop smiling.”

A knock on the door before it opened. It was Adam.

“Where’s mom?”

“She’s getting us something to eat, she’ll be here in a moment.”

Adam walks up to the foot of the bed, Connor sits beside Jude holding his hand like always.

“You ok Jude?”

Jude nods. He hadn’t spoken to Adam since he woke up. He had so much to say to him but he couldn’t find the words. Jude did his best not to start crying again but it was hard not to.

“Thank you…” Jude whimpered.

Adam was taking shallow breaths, also trying to stay in control. Many times had he cried over the boy lying in front of him. The days when it wasn’t sure if Jude was going to live or not the hardest days in his life, no doubt about it.

“Thank you for… doing that… to that… monster.”

“It’s ok Jude…” Adam liked violence as much as Connor and Jude but not once had he wished for the baseball bat not to hit Phil as hard as it had done.

They talked about this and that for a few minutes. It felt good for Jude just to talk about at least almost regular and normal things. Adam came to think of something. Something he had waited a long time for.

“Hey boys…”

Jude and Connor looked at him. Adam was smiling smugly.

“Good thing I figured out which end to use, huh?”

Jude and Connor looked at him like he was speaking martian.

“Huh?” Adam still smiling, trying to get a reaction from the boys. They said nothing.

“Really!?”

“Wh-what?” Connor said, not following.

Adam sighed.

“I’ve been waiting like two weeks to say that and you two just… nothing. Really?”

Connor looked at Jude, it was clear that Adam was on his own with this one.

“When we drove home… from the lake? You said I would need like an hour to figure out which end of a baseball bat to use?”

Jude did remember and snickered slightly. Connor didn’t remember but gave his dad a courtesy laugh, Adam noticed. He sighs again.

“You two deserve each other. That was funny.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_5 months later - May 2016_

Jude was standing in the backyard of the Stevens’s house. In front of him were all of his friends. Mike was there and so was Lena and Stef and even Mrs. Porter. Jude had insisted that she would come, he wanted everyone there that meant something to him.

Roy had even come. He had stood outside for a long time before gathering the courage to come inside. He knew everyone could see that he was ill and he didn’t want to bring anyone down. Jude had sent him another text telling him how much it would mean if he came and reading that Roy found the strength inside him. For Jude he’d do anything.

Jude had already cried a lot during the day, only happy tears he promised.

Jude was turning 17 today and he was having a birthday party. The first one he’s ever had. It was getting late and Jude wanted to say a few words before everyone went home.

“Hey…” He took a deep breath looking out meeting smiling faces.

“I… I can’t tell you all how much it means to me that… that you came today.”

Jude exhales. He feels so stupid that he’s already like this. Too emotional to be able to speak.

“I…” Another exhale.

”God… this is hard…”

Everyone’s still smiling at him, lost to no one that this day is very special for Jude.

“Everyone here… It’s because of you that I… that I…”

Jude gets frustrated that he can’t form sentences anymore, he keeps choking up. For a second he curses himself for wearing a light blue shirt as he should have known that he would cry a lot this day.

Jude shakes his head to clear it, he takes deep breaths. He regains as much control as he can.

“So listen. This is… this is the first time that I’ve been… able to have this… a birthday party. Some of you know why this is, some of you don’t know why.”

The ones that do know all got a lump in their stomach, the ones that don’t know still has a good idea… unfortunately rumors spread fast regarding the abuse that Jude had sustained.

“I can’t b-believe this you know? I keep thinking that I’ll wake up and I’m still in… in that house.”

Everyone knows by now what Jude is talking about. Some are still trying to smile at Jude but some simply can’t. They had all witnessed it though, Jude standing here in front of them speaking like he did. Unthinkable a year ago. He still had a long way to go but the journey forward had finally begun for him.

“I should have prepared a speech or something, I’m sorry.” Jude laughs slightly and tries to dry his tears from his cheeks. He sniffles.

“I just… I just wanted to say that you all mean so much to me. Th-thank you for being my friends.”

Jude is looking down and a lot of the people standing in front of him are grateful for this. A majority of them are standing with watery eyes, Hannah is sobbing into her elbow which she uses to muffle the sounds.

Jude only had one more thing to say.

“Life started… you know. When I met him.” Jude looked down, he couldn’t do this any other way.

“I can’t even look at him because then I will b-break down but you know who, him.”

Jude says and points to the side where Connor is standing with tears in his eyes, his hands folded in front of him.

“He saved me you know… Without him life wouldn’t have started yet and… and it could be even worse than that.”

Teardrops dropping down at the grass. Jude closes his eyes for a moment, he needs some time before opening them again and he looks at the familiar faces in front of him.

“He saved me.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude and Connor were lying on the couch like they always did when they were watching tv. Jude in front of Connor being the little spoon and Connor holding him tightly, planting kisses in his hair every now and then.

The friends had gone home and Jude was spending the night at the Stevens’s. Saying it had been the best birthday ever wasn’t needed.

Adam and Mia came into the living room. Adam sat down in the couch, putting Jude’s and Connor’s legs in his lap so he would fit. Connor had protested at first when he had started doing it but now he knew there was no point, Adam would do it anyway. Mia sat down in the armchair.

“Intense day, huh Jude?” Mia said.

Jude nodded.

”You can say that again.” He said jokingly.

They all smiled.

“So Jude we… we wanted to wait to give you our last present to you.”

“Bu-but you already gave me, all that swimming gear?”

“Yes yes we know, but we’ve done something else too.” Mia said. Connor was still holding onto Jude tightly.

“Sit up boys.” Adam tapped both their legs and they sat up in the couch.

Connor took Jude’s hand.

“So baby it’s… it’s one year left now.”

Jude smiled and nodded, his boyfriend smiled slightly back at him.

“We were thinking… or we hope that you’ll like this. We know it means a lot to you and… well yeah.”

Adam took up what looked like a small gift box from his pocket and gave it too Jude. Jude looked at the Stevens’s, whom all three had already given him more than he would ever be able to return.

There was a ribbon tied around it with a card attached. Jude sniffled, he had been emotional the whole day and he was kind of giving up on keeping it together this day.

Jude picked up the card, opened it and read it.

“Happy birthday Jude. One year left until everything's corrected. This box contains something we corrected for you. Love you – Adam, Connor & Mia”

Jude got tears in his eyes just by reading the card. He pressed his lips against each other in an attempt to stop his jaw from trembling. With unsteady hands, he opens the ribbon and the box. For a moment he’s confused. It’s… his locket, or is it Connor’s?

Jude takes it in his hand and opens the lid. It’s his. It contains the picture that still is his favorite one, the one with him and his mother. He dries his eyes and closes the lid. He doesn’t get it, he looks over at Connor and Connor understands.

“Turn it over.”

Jude does what he’s told. He looks at it and he stops breathing. The one hand not holding the locket covers his mouth and Jude whimpers reading the engraving.

“Jude Jacob – 22/05/99”

Jude starts bawling. His body heaves seeing the backside looking the way he always dreamt of it to look.

Connor puts his arm around Jude and kisses his shoulder. Adam leans back into the couch and closes his eyes, the sight of Jude like this always too much for him to handle.

“Sweetie…” Mia tries to comfort him.

“We just… wanted you to have it. The way it was supposed to have been, from the start.” Connor says in a low voice before kissing Jude’s cheek filled with tears.

“H-h-how?”

“We took it to a jeweler and they just honed away the rough parts from before and engraved it again. Didn’t take long.”

Jude looked at the engraving again and he was unable to control his sobs for a good five minutes. Connor never stopped holding him.

With red eyes Jude looked at Mia and Adam.

“Thank you… I-I can never…. I can never repay every… everything you’ve done for me.”

Truer words had Jude probably never spoken. He already felt guilty and ashamed that they had given him so much. The feeling of not deserving things a hard one to make go away just like that when you’ve been told it for years.  

“Our pleasure Jude, and hey Connor paid for it so thank him.” Adam said before getting up from the couch. Mia joined him and they left the boys alone.

“Can we lie down again?” Jude sniffled and looked over at Connor. Connor kissed him.

“Of course.”

Connor lay down with his back against the couch and Jude lay in front of him on his side but this time he was turned towards Connor. Connor put his hand on Jude’s waist and Jude lay his hands on Connor’s chest.

Connor was smiling warmly at Jude, Jude had more of a neutral expression. He looked at Connor and shook his head.

“I… I don’t know what to say… It’s when you do these things Connor that I question if you’re real.”

Connor chuckled and that did make Jude smile, like it always did. They lay in the couch and did what they liked more than anything else in the entire world, they looked into each other’s eyes. The very thing that had been the start of their journey was now taking place again.

Connor had tears in his eyes, it happened sometimes when he looked at Jude.

“You are so beautiful Jude… I just… I don’t know what to say.”

Jude’s eyes got watery, if they weren’t already.

“You never did… but I love you. Always.” Connor smiled slightly from Jude’s words. They lie in silence for a while.

“You know I was thinking of engraving it Jude Stevens, saving the trouble of having to do it again.”

Jude blushed and giggled.

“Oh yeah, what’s wrong with Connor Jacob?”

Connor smiled wide, Jude’s heart skipped a beat seeing the perfect white teeth.

“Whatever it takes to get you to say yes when the time comes.”

Jude blushed again, he had to look away. Connor was looking too happy and affectionate, it was not fair.

“You know you’re not supposed to re-engrave those when you get married, right?”

“I know… I just wanted to say _Jude Stevens_.”

“Stop it.”

“Jude Stevens…” Connor snickered while teasing Jude. Making Jude blush something he would probably never get tired of.

Jude laughed while thinking of something.

“Oh my god… you know we could never tell your dad about it?”

Connor chuckled causing Jude’s heart to flutter.

“You’re right. He wouldn’t be able to handle it…”

Jude was smiling wide when he continued.

“I can see the doctors report in front of me. Death from getting too excited.”

Connor laughed from Jude’s accurate prediction.

After a minute their laughter dies down but their smiles never go away. Hazel and brown doing what they do best, letting the other one see how deep their love goes.  

Connor speaks after a while after he gently caresses Jude’s porcelain-like cheek. Jude can hear in the tone of his voice that his boyfriend's emotional.

“Jude. I promise, I’ll always fight for us. Always.”

Jude doesn’t need to think about what to say.

“Me too Connor. I’ll always fight for us.”

 

The end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is where we leave Jude and Connor and Waterloo comes to an end. 
> 
> I have so much I want to say without knowing where to start. Never in a million years would I have thought that writing this story would be such a rewarding experience. As you know I am not a writer and since I had never written anything before I had zero expectations going into this. 
> 
> The response has been overwhelming. The emotions that the fate of Jude and Connor stires in people is simply amazing.
> 
> I can't tell you how much I will miss interacting with you readers. If you say you will miss Waterloo that is nothing compared to how much I will miss it. I hope we'll stay in touch, met some great people from this experience. Feel free to add me on tumblr (awesomemarrcusuniverse) or Twitter (@OstlingMarcus). 
> 
> Thank you for everything. Please leave a comment if you feel this story to be worthy of one. I'd love to hear about favorite parts and what you think of this story as a whole. Thank you again, love you all.
> 
> Lastly I want to say that Waterloo would never have been written if it wasn't for Gavin MacIntosh, so if you liked Waterloo you should thank him for being such an inspiration.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Coming up: "Epilogue - Part 1"


	72. Epilogue - Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The epilogue became too long so I've decided to split it into two parts. Enjoy part 1.

_10 years later, 2026_

As he has done many times before he walks through the gates of the familiar graveyard. He glances at the sign and reads it _“_ _Fort Rosecrans National Cemetery”_. Even though he’s nervous, he always is when he’s visiting this place, he cracks a small smile thinking about the day he was here for the first time.

Sure, there had done a lot of tears that day. Connor will never forget how small Jude had seemed, standing there by himself in front of their headstone. It still made him shed tears, thinking about the moment when Jude finally spoke and said.

_“Hey mom… Hey dad…”_

Only one memory is stronger from that day, but it’s possibly the strongest one Connor has. It was the first time that Jude told him that he loved him. Thinking about that moment, even after all this time, still made him tremble.

This day was special though. Connor had never been here alone before. Jude had always been there with him but this time Connor needed to come here alone.

The cemetery was beautiful like always. Plants, trees and bushes kept in perfect order. Connor felt stupid feeling his nervousness increase as he got closer to the important headstone. He took a deep breath and walked up on the small hill. Connor smiled politely, he didn’t really know how to do this. Jude had always been the one talking and Connor had been there for support but now he was here alone. _Shit._

He looked at the headstone. Over 21 years. That’s how long Sarah and John Jacob had been dead and buried. Over 21 years ago when a tragic accident put in motion the events that had almost cost Jude’s life. Connor shivers. Another deep breath and Connor starts talking.

“So… hey Sarah. Hi John.”

He waits for a few moments, like he expects them to answer him or something.

“You’re probably wondering where Jude is? Don’t worry he’s fine. I… I wanted to come here alone, I needed to.”

Connor laughs softly.

“I don’t think I’ve ever thanked you, you know, even though I’ve been here many times.”

“Thank you. Thank you for bringing the best person I’ve ever met to the world. Thank you…”

Connor chokes up. He's feeling embarrassed over the fact that he can’t keep his emotions in check.

“Thank you for Jude.”

Connor dries his eyes before the tears makes their way down to his suit. He snickers while shedding tears, he doesn’t even know why he dressed up for this but it just felt right doing so.

“God… I’m sorry. I promise I’m not always like this.”

Connor continues his monologue after a few moments of taking deep breaths.

“I came here today to ask you something… well I guess I’m… I’m more like telling you. But… I want you to know something.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_In a different part of San Diego_

Jude parks the car on the driveway outside the house he’s considered home for over 10 years. He looks to his right and the truck parked next to him. Jude snickers. He can’t believe Adam still kept that old thing. Jude lingers in the car for a while, thinking about a happy memory while looking at the truck. The truck that Adam had driven when taking him and Connor to that lake all those years ago.

That year, when Jude was only sixteen years old, he felt like he had experienced enough heartache and blissful moment to last ten lifetimes. He smiled again, knowing the prize that had waited for him on the other side. Jude had survived and he wouldn’t hesitate for a second to live through it all again knowing his destination.

He got out of the car and when he closed the car door the well-known woman currently working with a flower arrangement seemed to have heard him despite music coming through her earphones. She grinned widely as she turned the music off.

“Jude!”

“Hi Mia.”

Jude and Mia smiled wide and warm as they embraced each other. Mia hugged him tightly.

“God Jude you are still so skinny. You sure Connor isn’t starving you?”

Jude laughs softly, it had been many years ago since he stopped taking offense from comments about his weight and started seeing it as motherly concern.

“You know how it is, he keeps telling me he’ll leave me if I get fat.”

Mia gives him a stern look before smiling again, used to Jude’s jokes about the subject.

“So where is Connor?”

“Oh he’s at practice. They are doing cardio the whole day.”

“Okay. That’s good to hear.”

Mia nods at him. Jude can tell she wants to ask him what he’s doing here. It’s not unprecedented that Jude comes to their house without Connor but the Stevens’s usually knows the reason for it on beforehand.

“Is Adam home?”

“Yeah, yeah of course. He’s inside making lunch. You want to join us?”

“Thanks but that’s ok I’ve already eaten. Mia… you think I can talk to you and Adam about something?”

She hesitates for a split second, there was something in Jude’s tone that she hasn’t heard for years. Was he… nervous? He hadn’t been for a long time around them.

”Sure… of course sweetie. Let’s go inside.”

Mia and Jude goes inside and before Jude got the time to take off his shoes Adam comes out of the kitchen. The sight of him always makes Jude smile. He’s almost looking the same as he did when he saw him for the first time. Perhaps a pound or two heavier and his dark brown hair had some grey hairs in them and his face a few more wrinkles but the warmth he radiated stronger than ever.

“Jude! What a pleasant surprise.”

Adam is hugging him just as tightly as Mia had. He pulls away and asks before returning to the kitchen.

“How is my future son-in-law? By the way you want lunch?”

“Umm…. I’m good, thank you. No I’ve already eaten.”

”Ok! I just have to put in the lasagna in the oven.”

Jude looks around. The house is almost the same as it was when he first came here. Even though the Stevens’s finances had changed drastically they had not changed the way they lived.

“Husband dear, Jude said he wants to talk to us so come to the living room when you’re done, ok?”

Jude starts to get nervous. Really nervous. He doesn’t know why because deep down he knows that they won’t surprise him in a negative way but still… it feels important to get this right.

Jude sits down on the couch. He smiles for a moment. They still have the same couch they bought when they moved here almost 11 years ago. He thinks about all the times that he and Connor had laid here watching movies or just snuggled. Connor’s favorite position being laying behind Jude holding him and constantly messing up his hair with his kisses. Jude loved falling asleep in Connor’s arms on this couch but he loved waking up in said arms even more.

Adam sat down in the armchair and Mia sat down in the couch next to him.

Jude gulped. It was all happening too fast, even if he’s in some ways had wanted to do this for years.

“What was it you wanted to talk about sweetie?” Mia said while taking a sip from her glass of water.

_God am I really doing this…_

“Umm…”

Adam and Mia looked at each other with a vary expression. Jude avoided eye contact, something they hadn’t seen him do for a long time. Adam’s heartbeat increased. He swallowed hard.

“J… Ju-Jude…?”

He could barely not even ask it of Jude but he had to know. Jude was clamming up on him.

“Ju-Jude is something wrong? Are you… sick?”

With that Jude got a hold of himself. He looked up at Adam first and then at Mia. He shook his head.

“No… no no, no one’s sick. It’s just…” Jude exhales.

“I… I want to ask you two something… something important.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_“I came here today to ask you something… well I guess I’m… I’m more like telling you. But… I want you to know something.”_

Connor looks at the headstone again. He gulps.

“I think you already know how much I love your son… how much I love Jude. I’ve loved him for a long time now. And… and I know I’ll always love him.“

Connor chuckles.

“He’s the best you know? He’s the smartest, kindest, funniest and most beautiful person in this whole world.”

Connor gets tears in his eyes while thinking about Jude and all that he is, all that he had become. He wants them to know that.

“He was promoted two weeks ago you know? Well I guess you don’t and maybe he wanted to tell you guys himself so… you know, don’t tell him I said anything, ok? They made him Chief science officer, the youngest ever in California and probably in the US.”

Connor shakes his head.

“Sorry… I’m rambling. What I wanted to… what I wanted you to know is that…”

Connor sniffles and dries his eyes again. He closes his eyes and breaths for a while before opening his eyes again.

“I’m going to ask him to marry me.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_“I… I want to ask you two something… something important.”_

A few moments of silence. No one is making a sound in the Stevens living room.

“Adam… Mia…” Jude looks at them respectively.

”A-about this future son-in-law thing…”

Jude pauses.

Mia smiles.

Adam is not breathing.

Jude looks Adam in the eyes.

“I’m… I… I want to ask for your permission to marry Connor.”

Mia has to put her hands over her mouth and nose. Tears are falling and she’s trembling but above all that she’s smiling. She had been waiting for this moment even if she never had anticipated Jude be the one telling them before their son.

Mia’s eyes are resting at Jude for a moment, for some reason she feels immensely proud over him. Her attention is drawn elsewhere though. The thing she looked forward to more than anything was to see her husband’s reaction when they finally would tell him.

Jude is smiling slightly looking at Adam. He had a pretty good idea how he would take the news. Adam squinted his eyes but remained seated. Jude could see him shaking, his body moved but he didn’t speak for a moment. He opened his mouth, tears running freely down his cheeks.

“A-a-are you… y-you promise?” Adam’s voice unsteady.

Mia can see that Jude is not quite following Adam so she whispers to him.

“He wants to know you are not joking with him.”

Jude keeps looking Adam in the eyes. Jude smiles widely at Adam and nods.

“Yes. I want to ask Connor to be my husband. I promise.“

Those words destroyed all walls and dams and Adam started sobbing. Before long he was crying loudly, heaving and wailing. He couldn’t move from his chair so he tried to signal Jude to come to him without any success.

“Go on, give him a hug, he needs it.” Mia whispered once again. She was also crying but needless to say she was in more control than her husband.

Jude laughs slightly, drying his own eyes. Seeing Adam’s reaction filled his heart in a way only Connor was able to best.

Jude walked around the living room table and sat down in Adam’s lap, hugging the older man whom embraced him with both arms. Adam was almost choking Jude but Jude couldn’t stop laughing. Adam rocked Jude in his arms while resting his head in the crook of Jude’s neck.

Adam kept crying and crying, hugging Jude tightly while Jude snickered and hugged him back. Mia sniffled. She had taken a video of the two men hugging, she figures Connor wanted to see it.

After a good ten minutes Adam finally released his grip of Jude. Jude leaned back and looked at Adam with his red eyes and cheek’s.

“Was that a yes or a no?”

Adam chuckled before hugging Jude again.

“Oh you… come over here you sweet sweet young man.”

Jude snickered and let Adam hug him for another minute.

“Seriously Adam, I need an answer?”

Another heartwarming chuckle from Adam.

“It’s a yes Jude… it’s a yes…”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_One week later_

Unknowingly Jude and Connor both had made the same plans regarding popping the question. Adam and Mia has been forced to give the performances of a lifetime when Connor had told them a few days after Jude asked for permission that he was to ask Jude to marry him.

The hopeless romantic that Adam was, he had come up with what he considered the perfect plan to make their forthcoming proposals as memorable as possible.

“God… it’s almost exactly as I remember it.” Connor looks out over the lake in awe.

Jude’s eyes are wide and with an open mouth he nods even though Connor’s busy taking in the sight before them.

“Can’t believe we never came back here, we sure have talked about it a lot.”

Connor says before looking over at Jude. Seeing the beautiful boy standing beside him made him smile, like it always did. He took Jude’s hand and lead them down towards the shore.

“When was the last time we went camping?” Jude asked his boyfriend while they were putting up the tent.

Connor thought long and hard about it.

“I guess like… seven or eight years ago? Remember when Mike made us come with that one time?”

Jude snickered from the memory.

“Oh yeah… the night of the vampire mosquitos from hell.”

Connor smiled wide.

“You were so cute… you were so pissed off that they wouldn’t leave you alone.”

“But it was so annoying, we were sitting next to each other and they only went after me, it wasn’t fair!”

Connor chuckled again and opened his mouth but before he got the chance to speak Jude beat him to it.

“And don’t even start with that I’m just so irresistible crap.”

It was already getting dark so they were getting ready to go swimming. Adam had lead them both into the idea of how romantic it would be if they asked the question while sitting on the dock after they had gone swimming, an idea both Jude and Connor loved.

With their respective ring box lying in their pockets in the pants discarded on the dock Jude and Connor swam in the lake they had swum in over ten years ago, before they had confessed their love for each other.

Good thing was that they were both too nervous to notice the other one being nervous about what was to come. Neither one could really enjoy the water so when Jude suggested getting out of the water not ten minutes after they got in Connor happily obliged.

They sat down at the edge of the dock, in the exact same spot they had sat when they were here the last time. Connor’s feet and shins in the water while Jude barely graced the surface with his toes. Connor looked over at Jude. He felt so proud over the young man sitting next to him. The last time Jude had had a shirt and pants on, this time Jude was sitting in nothing but his swimming trunks.

“Hey Jude… imagine if we knew then… that we would be sitting here now?”

Jude laughed slightly.

“You know I still can’t believe I touched you that night…”

A few moments of silence before Jude looked over and met Connor’s hazel eyes. Connor looked at him that way, that way that wasn’t fair. Connor spoke while smiling warmly at Jude.

“I’m glad you did…”

Jude almost winced by Connor’s affectionate tone.

“Me too…”

Connor raised his hand and started stroking Jude’s cheek. He had no idea how many times he’d done this exact thing but he never got tired of touching Jude’s soft face.

“I love you so much Jude…”

Jude sniffled. He whimpered in a low voice.

“I love you too.” Jude was already emotional, he kept thinking how in the world he was going to be able to ask Connor to marry him without breaking down completely. Luckily, Connor was about to gather courage he didn’t knew he possessed.

“Jude…” Connor dropped his hand from Jude’s cheek and took his hand instead. Without breaking eye contact he continued.

“It’s been a year since… since…”

Jude gulped and nodded. That it had gone a year _since_ was the reason there was a ring in the pocket of his pants not two feet from Connor at this very moment.

Connor opened and closed his mouth four times, not knowing which words to use.

“God it’s like when we were sixteen all over again… I don’t know wh-…”

Jude laughed slightly.

“I know. I remember… verbal communication not our strong suit back then.”

Connor chuckled, feeling relieved for a minute. Jude was more than happy that Connor seemed to have something to say. Jude himself could not for the life of him make himself talk to Connor about _that_.

Connor got back to reality and once again his nerves got the best of him. He stammered.

“J-J-Jude… I-I…”

Jude started rubbing Connor’s hand with his thumb, it had been a while since he had to calm Connor down like this but he still knew how to do it. One deep breath and Connor spoke a rehearsed line.

“Jude… I’ve loved you for 3 915 days.”

Jude’s heart skipped a beat. What was Connor doing, why did he talk like this?

“That day… in the cafeteria. There… there was only you. Sin-since that day it’s only been y-you.”

Jude gulped. Connor was trembling and Jude didn’t think it was from the coldness of the water. Connor’s eyes were glistering and Jude could look away as much as he could breathe normally. Connor’s hand, holding onto his, was not steady that much was certain.

“There’s a… reason I wanted you to be here to-tonight…”

Jude could not blink. Connor let go of Jude’s hand and without looking Connor’s hand searched for the ring box lying in his pocket. When he felt it he pulled it out and cupped his hand around it, never once letting his hazel eyes look away from Jude’s deep brown ones.

Connor held his cupped hand with the ring box in front of Jude.

The familiar feeling that happened all the time when they were sixteen hit them like a wrecking ball. Time as a concept disappeared as they entered the world of theirs, making everything else obsolete.

“Jude… will you do me the honor of…” Connor gulped and looked down at his hand as he opened it showing Jude what was hidden inside. It all happened in slow-motion when Jude looked down on Connor’s big hand that slowly opened up revealing a blue velvet ring box.

Blue velvet ring box?

Connor furrowed his brow and so did Jude.

“Umm…” Connor’s brain stopped working it seemed. He continued after a while.

“I’m s-sorry that’s not what-.”

“It’s mine.” Jude said looking at Connor, repressing smiling while looking at Connor’s extremely confused complexion. Connor looked at Jude and he was at a complete loss, his jaw did that thing were it moved from side to side like it did when he had no clue what to do.

Jude put his hand over his mouth but his entire face was smiling. He had been so shocked he hadn’t realized what it meant, what was actually happening.

Jude started shaking as he looked down at their pants that were laying very close to each other. He reached into Connor’s pocket and took out the black ring box. He showed it to Connor.

“I-I’m guessing this is yours?” Jude tried to be as composed as he could for Connor’s sake. He was almost worried about his boyfriend as he seemed completely blank. Connor nodded slowly and looked Jude in the eyes.

With hands shaking Jude and Connor held the ring boxes in their hands. Jude gave Connor time to comprehend everything. Connor had a way of letting his emotions make him not being able to think at all sometimes. After a minute Jude smiled seeing Connor’s eyes go wide and his lips pointed upwards.

Jude nodded towards him. Connor’s eyes leaked tears from out of nowhere. God he is beautiful, Jude thought.

“Connor Stevens…” Jude started crying softly and his eyes copied Connor’s action, producing a few warm tears.

“Jude Jacob…” Connor’s voice thick and hoarse.

”Will you…” Jude said half a second before Connor echoed him.

“Marry me?” They said in unison.

Both of them started crying as they opened their boxes revealing the rings inside. Jude put his box down first, Connor had a harder time being able to look away from the symbol given to him by Jude.

Jude scooted closer and when Connor felt Jude’s thigh against his own he managed to put the ring box down. Still crying they pressed their lips together. Connor cupped Jude’s cheeks and deepened the kiss. Connor had every intention of continuing kissing Jude senseless but there was one thing left to do.

Connor broke the kiss, Jude whimpered from the feeling of loss. Connor put his forehead against Jude’s and smiled so wide that even if it was dark outside Jude got blinded by the white teeth.

“On 3?” Connor asked. Jude snickered and nodded at Connor. Jude gave up trying to fight the tears.

“3… 2… 1…” They counted down together by whispering before giving their joint answer while grinning from ear to ear.

“Yes.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_One year later, 2027_

“It’s too tight mom.”

“No it’s not, wait until I’m done.”

Mia does the finishing touches fixing Connor’s bow tie.

“Sweetie, can you please try and not shake so much?”

“Sorry…”

Connor closes his eyes and breaths through his nose, trying to calm down.

“And sweetie please stop chewing on your lip.”

Connor sighs.

“God I’m a mess…”

Mia laughs softly as she steps back from Connor and looks at him from top to bottom.

“You look absolutely gorgeous sweetie.”

Mia turns Connor around and stands beside him. Together they look into the mirror. Connor has to say the black slim tuxedo looks good on him. He’s nearly smiling when his nerves take over again.

“Relax… Everything is going to be perfect. You know that you father has made sure of it.”

“Ha-have you seen Jude?”

Mia nods.

“Yeah, I have.”

“How is he?”

She laughs softly while trying not to cry.

“He’s about the same as you… I think they had to redo his hair six or seven times until he was satisfied with it.”

Connor chuckles without really smiling, a funny sight if you ask Mia.

“That sounds like him…”

Connor gulps while looking at himself in the mirror.

“I can’t believe it mom…”

“I know sweetie.” Mia smiles at him and rubs his back to calm him down, her son has been a wreck the entire day. In fact, he’s been a wreck the entire week.

Connor smiles for the first time since Mia had seen him today.

“I’m going to marry him… When I wake up tomorrow… He’s going to be my husband.”

Mia’s eyes sting, seeing the affection and love her son expresses mostly with his eyes. It’s always been that way if you ask Mia. With Connor and Jude, it had always been the way they look at each other that told her they were meant for each other.

“Not to stress you out sweetie but within an hour he’s your husband.”

Mia laughs seeing his eyes go wide from the realization.

“Ok sweetie I’m going to take my seat now. Your father will come get you when it’s time.”

Connor exhales. His hands are sweating. Before Mia leaves the room Connor speaks.

“Hey mom…”

She turns around and smiles at him.

“Thank you… for everything. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

She closes the door and Connor is left alone in the room. He checks the time. He figures it’ll be around half-an-hour before the ceremony will begin.

Connor sits down and picks up his phone. He starts browsing through the photos. The album he’s interested in is the one he’s made containing nothing but memories he’s created with Jude.

Connor is already crying when he sees the first one. It’s the picture he took of Jude holding that shrimp of a fish he got when they went fishing with Adam. They weren’t even a couple back then. Connor barely remembers his life before Jude, only fragments here and there. Jude looks so happy in the picture. He tries to fake looking pissed over that the fish was so small but his eyes betray him.

Connor browses through the pictures he took of Jude, some of them without Jude noticing, before they got together.

_God we were so young…_

He skips over memories surrounding the time that Jude were in the hospital, it was still hard for Connor to think about that time of his life even after all this time. The picture he stops at is taken in January 2016, about a week before Connor’s 17th birthday. It’s from the day when Jude returned to Anchor Beach. His body had finally healed enough. It was a very special day for Jude and Connor. It was the day they came out together.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_January 18 th 2016, Monday_

“You sure about this? It’s ok if you want to wait.”

The two sixteen year olds are in the parking lot outside Anchor Beach. Mia had just dropped them off after she picked Jude up at the Adams-Fosters house this morning.

Jude looked at Connor for a minute. He smiles and nod at him.

“I’m sure Connor. I want my life to start.”

Connor chuckles softly. Many times he’s felt proud over Jude but this moment probably bests them all. They had talked a lot during the time that Jude had been in the hospital. Connor had spent every minute that he could by Jude’s side.

One day, when Jude had become strong enough to think about the future he told Connor just before it was time for Connor to go home from the hospital that night.

“Connor… I…. I don’t want us to be a secret.”

Connor had never pushed Jude in this direction, even so Jude knew that Connor wanted nothing more than this. That day was another day that Connor Stevens would never forget.

So here they were, first day of school for Jude in about two months. They hadn’t told anyone about it and the only ones in school that knew about them being a couple were Madison and Hannah. Mike kind of knew but Connor always avoided answering the direct question, much to Mike's frustration.

Connor looks at Jude who is wearing his favorite green long sleeved sweater and jeans. The hair is as always perfect and so is his face. The contrast for Connor, knowing how his body looks like under his clothes, couldn’t be more distinct.

“You look beautiful.”

Connor said it in that way that forced Jude to look away, blush and shake his head. Connor said it as a matter of fact and with a hint of disbelief.

“Stop it.”

”Well you do.” Connor began to smile. Jude could hear it.

Jude looked over at his boyfriend. Even though it was January Connor was wearing jeans shorts and of course a plaid shirt, this one being black and red.

“You know that most of the girls will probably want to murder me before this day is over?”

Connor chuckled and Jude had to look away from the way his eyes squinted. He felt pathetic that the bare sight of Connor could take his breath away.

They took a few steps towards Anchor Beach. Before they started crossing the school yard they stopped and looked at each other. Jude smiled and so did Connor. Jude was the one that put his hand next to Connor, the symbolism that Jude initiated it not lost to Connor. Connor took Jude’s hand and they intertwined their fingers immediately. Jude glanced at Connor’s big hand and the prominent hand veins.

They took a deep breath and started crossing the school yard hand-in-hand.

Even though it was important for Jude to do this, not to keep Connor a secret, he was more than nervous. Attention not anything he ever wanted and the memories from the times he’d been bullied not something he’d probably ever forget. Still, this was important.

Connor felt Jude tightening his grip of Connor’s hand as they started getting nearer to the building and the other students. Jude was breathing through his nose. Truth be told, Connor was also nervous but knowing Jude’s history he had to be strong for him today.

When students noticed the two boys holding hands the general reaction was that they stopped dead in their tracks while their lips parted. Even if Anchor Beach was a big school there had never been any out gay couples.

In the corner of their eyes they could see some groups of people whispering to each other while clearly talking about them. Jude saw two girls he had shared some classes with the previous semester and nodded and smiled at them. After a second of looking like in shock they both returned the smile and waved at Jude. Jude looked at Connor and smiled and that was all Connor needed to see to take his own nervousness away.

When they got inside they started walking down the crowded hallway.

“You don’t have to walk me to class you know?”

“If you think I’m not walking my boyfriend, who’s been in the hospital for over a month, to class you are sadly mistaking Jacob.”

Jude snickers.

“Dork.”

Before they get to Jude’s classroom Jude sees a group of people talking. It’s four guys from Connor’s soccer team including Mike. Jude glances at Connor to see if Connor wants to let go of his hand but Connor just smiles when he obviously spots them.

“Hey guys!” Connor greets them and they turn around. Connor and Jude stops. Connor is smiling but Jude can’t help feeling un-easy. They are of course all looking at their hands. Mike’s eyes go wide for a second before he starts grinning, first at Connor and then at Jude.

“Hey!”

Mike laughs, he seems very happy for some reason, Jude notices. Mike continues.

“So I guess this mean you guys are official now? Changed Facebook status?”

Connor smiles.

“Damn forgot about Facebook. But yeah… we’re official.”

Mike is still grinning.

“Congrats guys, I’m happy for ya.”

Jude dares to give Mike a smile as a thank you. He looks over at the other three from the team and sure they still look a bit surprised but at least they don’t look like they want to throw up or something.

“Yeah congrats. I… I didn’t even know you were gay Stevens.” Daniel joins in and the other two nods and fills in they didn’t either know.

“Jude makes it hard not to be.” Connor says and smirks at Jude, of course intending to make him blush and of course he’s successful.

Mike laughs again.

“Oh my god please don’t become one of those couples.”

A bit unexpected, at least for Jude, David who’s the team’s goalie speaks. Jude is not sure he’s heard David speak before, Jude always thought David didn’t like him.

“H-H-Hey I-I-I th-th-think it’s gr-great. Y-y-you are br-brave.”

Jude feels bad hearing that David obviously stutters, he reminds himself not to jump to conclusions about others. Jude sees he’s not the only one who was surprised to hear David speak.

“Thanks David.” Connor says and pats him on the shoulder.

David smiles, feeling proud he got the guts to speak even though he hated doing it. He only did it when he felt it important to do so.

“Hey that reminds me. Welcome back Jude, glad to see you doing better.” Mike says.

“Thanks... Feels good to be back.”

It really did. The day had gone by without any negative comments or the like, only teasing comments from some girls about that the best looking guys always are gay. Not even John & Scott had said anything. Later that day Jude and Connor passed them in the hallway while holding hands. Jude was sure they at least would show their disgust through their body language but… nothing. After the initial shock they had just looked away.

Even if the day had gone better than Jude could have imagined he was relieved when the school day was over. He had been on edge the whole day and he nearly fell asleep the minute he sat down in the couch in his new home.

Connor remembers Jude saying to him that he still remembers what the last thing he thought about before going to sleep that night was.

_“Everything is going to be alright.”_

For most people that’s not exactly a shocking thing to think. For Jude Jacob it was a first.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_Present time_

Connor smiles at the memory. Coming out had been much easier than they had expected. The only negative thing Connor can remember was that some people had a hard time knowing what to say to them so they stayed quiet.

One time a player from an opposing team called Connor a fag during one of their games. Daniel who had the ball at the time kicked it out of the side line and the entire Anchor Beach team stopped playing surrounding the young man. The referee who hadn’t heard him calling Connor that could only observe as Connor’s teammates forced him to confess what he had said. When he finally yielded he was shown the red card. After that no one ever tried to go after Connor over his sexuality.

Connor looks at more pictures in his phone. He looks at pictures from Jude’s 17th birthday party. It was a fond memory, one of many. It was the first time that Jude had a birthday party and everyone had been there, even Roy. However, everything was not sunshine and rainbows, Jude was scarred and in more than one way back then.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_June 2016, roughly one month after Jude’s 17 th birthday_

It was a Saturday night and Jude was spending the night at the Stevens’s. Lena, Stef, Mia and Adam had all agreed on that the two boys were mature enough to be able to sleep in the same bed with the door closed. After what they had been through and from what they all had seen, the bare thought of the two of them ever not being a couple a ridiculous one.

Connor was lying on his back and Jude was leaning over him. They were lying in Connor’s bed on top of the comforter. The kisses had turned into full out making out and Jude’s hands had travelled further and further down Connor’s body. Jude’s touch sent sparks through Connor, especially when he touched him like this. Both of them moaning into each other’s mouths. Connor had one hand on Jude’s lower back while the other one played with his hair.

When Jude’s hand started playing with the waistband on Connor’s briefs Connor had to break away. Both of them panting with red swollen lips.

“I… I w-want to Connor.” Jude says when he’s calmed down some.

Connor gulps. He wants it too. Very much. Jude got visual evidence if he was to glance down at Connor’s briefs.

“I… want to touch you.” Jude blushes some, still feeling frisky and very much in love.

“Jude… we… We need to talk.”

Connor sees the instant worry in Jude’s eyes but it can’t be helped, they need to talk about this.

Connor sits up and he gestures for Jude to do the same. They sit opposite of each other cross-legged position. Connor sees that Jude’s lower lip trembles, he looks scared.

“Do-don’t you wa-want me to… touch you there?” Jude says looking down.

“Jude… look at me.” Connor dries sweat from his forehead, making out for a good twenty minutes a pleasant and intense experience.

Jude looks up at him.

“Jude… I… I want to do… all of that with you. I feel like a perv for thinking about it so much…”

Jude gives Connor a half-smile.

“Why… why don’t you let me… make you… you know?” Jude talks in a small voice, not finding the conversation all that comfortable.

Connor sighs and takes Jude’s both hands.

“What’s the problem?” Jude’s still worried, Connor sees.

“The problem is… this.” Connor looks down at himself and then he makes a point at looking up and down Jude’s body.

“The problem is that I’m in my underwear and you… you are in your t-shirt and jeans.”

Jude gulps and looks down, avoiding Connor’s concerned eyes.

“Jude… babe… please.”

Jude sniffles.

”You haven’t let me see you without your shirt except for that one time, before you were in the hospital. You haven’t even let me… touch you.”

Jude sniffles again and starts crying silently.

“Jude please… you know how much I love you.”

Jude nods. He’s still looking down in his lap.

“I know Connor… But I don’t… not the way I look underneath.”

Connor’s eyes sting and before long he’s producing tears.

“I… I know Jude.”

Connor let’s go of one of Jude’s hands in order to dry Jude’s cheeks from his tears.

“We have to work on it Jude. I want… I want you to let me help you.”

Jude’s beginning to cry more loudly. His eyes are closed and he tries to muffle his sounds by closing his mouth.

“H-he made me so ugly…” Jude finally manages to say in between his sobs.

“No, he didn’t Jude. You are beautiful. All of you.”

Connor gently squeezes Jude’s hands. He leans forward and plants a kiss on Jude’s temple. It works, Jude calms down.

“Is… is that why you don’t w-want to have s-sex with me?”

“Babe… look at me.” It’s been a while since they had a difficult conversation and Jude was back at avoiding eye contact when he didn’t feel safe with the conversation. Jude always meets Connor’s eyes when he asks him though. Connor calling him babe only sweetens the deal.

“I love you so fu… so much. It’s not healthy how much I love you. It’s crazy. Ok?”

With tears in his eyes Jude still snickers softly and gives Connor a little more than a half-smile.

“But I don’t… I… I want to do… all that, with you… But not before you… not before you like you. Ok?”

Jude’s left eye produce a single tear as they look into each other’s eyes. After a moment, Jude nods slowly.

”You’re perfect… you know that right?” Jude says still feeling emotional and his voice gives it away.

Later that night, after they had brushed their teeth and are about to go to sleep Jude lays on his back for once. He usually lays on his side or shifts to his stomach during the night. Connor comes back from the bathroom and sits down beside Jude in the bed.

“Hey…”

“Hey.” Jude smiles at him.

Connor looks at Jude who’s lying on top of the comforter. He’s wearing his pyjama shorts and a big t-shirt.

“Can I kiss you?” Connor asks.

“Have I ever said no to that?” Jude smirks at him.

Connor chuckles.

“No… I guess not. But I… I want to kiss your stomach.”

The smile on Jude’s lips disappear and he gets a more neutral expression. Jude looks away feeling un-easy.

“Hey… baby steps yeah?”

Jude looks back at Connor. He still doesn’t look sure about this but after a minute he nods slowly at Connor. Jude is more than uncomfortable but after everything that Connor had done for him, he had to try. For Connor, he'd do anything.

Connor moves his hand to the hem of Jude’s shirt. The moment he touches it, Jude makes a noise.

“Wa-wait… give me a minute.”

Jude takes a few deep breaths before he nods at Connor again. Connor pulls up Jude’s shirt not more than two inches, revealing the scarred but pale skin underneath. Connor looks at Jude and Jude has closed his eyes.

“Are you ok?” Connor asks, he needs Jude to be sure.

“Yeah… yeah I’m ok.”

Connor leans down and plants a soft kiss on Jude’s stomach. Jude gasps by the contact. Connor’s lips stay on Jude’s stomach for not more than a second and when he pulls away he pulls down Jude’s shirt again.

Jude opens his eyes again.

“Thank you.” Connor says.

Jude smiles at him and lays on his side, Connor recognizes it as an invite to hold him from behind.

This night was the start of a long journey to heal Jude and make him comfortable in his own skin. Connor was relentless in his support and in his attempts to help Jude feeling safe. Back then, Connor spent a lot of time reading about ways to help people with various disfigurements feeling better in their own skin. Perhaps he hadn’t learned all that much that helped him and Jude but some small things here and there had been useful.

The nights they slept in the same bed, Connor started a tradition of gently putting his hand under Jude’s shirt, with Jude’s permission of course. He rubbed and caressed it for a few moments before pulling away. Jude let him stay under his shirt for longer and longer times.

One night Connor will never forget is the night that Jude fell asleep while Connor’s thumb was playing with Jude’s belly button. When Jude’s body started to twitch like it always did when he fell asleep Connor cried silently.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_Present time_

Connor shakes his head from memory. It seems like such a long time ago. When Jude’s body still had all those scars on it.

Nowadays you could hardly see the remains on Jude’s body. He had had plastic surgery procedures to reduce the visibility and they had been very successful. You could still see some scarring on his back from when Phil burned him and also the scarring going from the belly button to the chest.

Talking about surgeries. Connor’s mind re-visited another strong memory. The day Jude finally got to have his operation.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_August 2017_

The Stevens’s, Lena and Stef were all waiting. They had been waiting for a long time. Jude had gone into surgery. He had already had his top surgery done not a week after his 18th birthday but they had to wait until August for the bottom one as the best surgeon in the field didn’t have the opportunity to operate Jude until then.

The top surgery had been unproblematic. Jude’s breasts were barely visible even before the surgery as he had gotten the puberty blockers at an early age.

Jude had been in surgery for over three hours and Connor was getting worried. Well he had been worried for about a month so this was nothing new to the Stevens’s or the Adams-Fosters.

Finally, they hear a knock on the door to the waiting room they had been assigned.

The older male chief surgeon stepped into the room. Connor immediately got up from his chair and walked up to him.

“How is he? Did something go wrong? Can I see him?”

“Relax Connor.”

Jude and Connor had met with the surgeon on many occasions and were now on first name basis.

“The operation was a complete success. Jude is doing well but his body needs to rest.”

Connor throws himself into the surgeon’s arms. The surgeon, not expecting or perhaps not even welcoming of physical contact, was taken by surprise before he smiled and hugged Connor back. He had taken a liking to the couple even if he always tried not to make an emotional connection to his patients.

Several hours later, the assistant surgeon comes back to the waiting room.

“Jude is awake now so you can come and see him.”

Connor looks at the four adults and they all nod at him. They will wait in the room. On shaky legs Connor is lead to a room. The assistant surgeon lets him in and closes the door behind Connor, leaving them alone.

For a second Connor feels a chill going through his body. It’s a feeling of déjà vu from when Jude was lying in the hospital fighting for his life after being stabbed. Connor pushes it aside.

Connor approaches the bed and Jude opens his eyes. Connor starts crying. Jude smiles at him softly. Jude looks weak, but Jude also looks happy.

“Hey…” Jude sounds weak as well, voice barely audible.

Connor takes Jude’s hand. It’s cold.

“Hey babe…”

Jude makes a sound. It sounds as he wants to laugh but he’s not strong enough to do so.

“They told us the operation was a complete success.”

Jude nods.

“Yeah… they told me.”

“I’m so fucking happy Jude.”

Jude can’t stop smiling. Connor is taking advantage of that he’s too weak to be able to correct him, the asshole. They make small talk. Connor is just unbelievably relieved that Jude is ok and well. After a moment of them just looking at each other, Jude says with a smirk.

“Hey… it works.”

Connor chuckles and dries his eyes. He’s been on and off crying the whole time but always smiling.

“Oh yeah?”

Jude nods.

“Yeah… they checked it somehow.”

Connor’s teeth are showing, he’s grinning that wide. He knows how important it was to Jude even if Jude didn’t want to shine it on too much.

“I don’t know if I like the idea of someone else checking if my boyfriend’s dick is working but I’ll let it slide this time.”

Jude laughs and Connor’s heart melt. That laugh is the best thing he’s ever heard, it still is.

“I got a dick.” Jude says while grinning. Connor dries away the tears going down Jude’s cheeks.

“You got a dick.”

“I got a dick. I can’t believe it… It’s…” Jude starts crying. He’s still a bit woozy from the drugs and he can’t help it. Jude is crying and so is Connor because Connor sees, he sees how happy Jude is. The eyes are sparkling and his mouth is smiling even though he’s crying.

It didn’t take Connor long until he got to see that look on his face again. They had waited a month, doctor’s orders, after the surgery to have sex. Needless to say they hadn’t gone a month without having sex since they started having it about a year ago.

Another thing needless to say was that all of Connor’s attention and efforts had gone to concentrate on Jude that night. The look on Jude’s face when he got his first orgasm with his new equipment was another thing Connor would never forget. It was almost as memorable as the look he had after he had come down from the orgasm.

Jude smiled and cried and laughed so long afterwards that Connor started to think he had lost his mind. No, he didn’t really think that. Connor was probably smiling and laughing just as much.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_Present time_

Connor notices that apparently he’s crying. It’s happy tears though, he hadn’t thought about that night for quite some time but the memory was as strong as ever.

Connor found it remarkable that Jude still, after all he had been through, reacted to both negative and positive emotions by crying as much as he did. It was almost the only outlet he used and Connor was grateful for it, Jude never clammed up and he wasn’t afraid to at least show him, Adam and Mia exactly how he was feeling.

Connor starts to think how different everything was back then. Before the civil suit against Phil had made Jude perhaps not rich but at least he didn’t have to worry about college tuition fees. It was also before Connor had signed with LA Galaxy.

Yes, everything was different then. Connor starts to reminisce about the moment when Adam had told Jude that he was paying for Jude’s sex change operation. Jude had tried to save up as much money as he could but the operation was of course expensive. Without letting the Stevens’s know Jude had tried getting a loan to be able pay for it himself. When he got rejected he had been inconsolable and finally cracked and told Connor about it.

When Connor told his parents they didn’t need to think it over. Truth was that the Stevens’s had thought that the operation would be state funded and therefore not an issue. Jude had had to promise the entire family not to keep things like that to himself and to this day he never had.

The way Jude had collapsed when they told him in Connor’s bedroom, when Jude understood that he would get the operation he had dreamt of for so very long… no, Connor needs to stop himself. That memory too strong and emotional for now.

Money. That was something that had changed drastically for them. Connor had been drafted by the LA Galaxy when he was 17. A lot of other clubs, even European ones, had offered him a contract but for Connor soccer never came first, Jude did.

When he was 19 he had been called up from the development league to play his first game with the first team. After that he signed a contract making him financially independent for the rest of his life. Ok, he couldn’t buy a jet plane or a new Ferrari every month but as neither he or Jude were exactly big spenders they would suffice.

If Connor had put all his heart into his soccer career, he would probably had been playing on the US national team but it wasn’t for him. His plan was to play until his 30’s and then he and Jude could discuss what they wanted to do. Not that surprising, Jude’s career had already taken him far. Even before graduating, a lot of companies and industries had given him offers that the average person would have a hard time refusing.

Had Jude been willing to move from San Diego to Silicon Valley he had almost made as much money as Connor but just as it was for Connor, it wasn’t for him. Jude had had only one demand when being hired as a chief scientist and that was that his hours were flexible in the way that he and Connor would get as much time together as possible.

A knock on the door bring Connor back to the present.

Adam steps in. He’s been crying a lot, Connor can tell. Connor smiles from the sight.

“I know I know I’ve tried keeping it together but there’s… there’s just no way.”

“It’s ok dad, I didn’t expect you to.”

Adam smiles.

“Hey son… it’s time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up: "Epilogue - Part 2"


	73. Epilogue - Part 2

Earlier that day. Same building, different room.

“You really think it looks ok now?”

“Jude, it’s perfect. It’s impeccable. It’s excellent, superb, it’s probably the best your hair has ever looked.”

Stef and Lena laughs as Hannah is trying to calm Jude down by reassuring him that the hair in fact looks good.

“It has to be perfect. He deserves perfect. He’s-”

“Jude I swear to god. I’ve listened to you saying that Connor is _perfect_ for over ten years now. We get it.”

Stef and Lena laughs, that Jude found Connor perfect was not something that was lost to anyone. Stef sits down as Lena gets up. Lena comes up from behind Jude and puts her hands on his shoulders and looks at him in the mirror.

“ _You_ are perfect Jude.”

Jude smiles at the kindhearted woman standing behind him. Perhaps she and her wife had entered Jude’s life a little too late for him to see them as his mothers but they were close enough. Jude had probably spent more time at the Stevens’s than at the Adams-Fosters but he had loved every moment from when he first moved in there.

“Are you happy dear?”

Jude nods at her.

“I can tell… you know how?”

Jude did not.

“You got that spark… in your eyes.”

Jude smiles again, he’s heard his boyfriend talk about it sometimes.

“It’s only Connor that makes your eyes look like that.”

Hannah chokes up.

“It-it’s true. It’s always been like that.”

Stef gets up, she’s about to start to cry and unlike the others in the room she always tries hard not to.

“Alright ladies… we need to get going and give Jude some privacy. His last moments as an un-married man.”

They all hug before leaving Jude alone in the room. The silence they leave both soothing and nerve wrecking. Nerve wrecking because Jude’s mind starts to race. He needs to sit down so he does. He checks himself in the mirror one more time. His slim dark blue suit with matching tie looks good, if only the hair would co-operate.

When he sits down his mind goes to a place of safety. This place is also now the cause of his nervousness. He’s about to marry Connor Stevens. Connor, that hazel eyed boy that met his eyes all those years ago in the cafeteria of the school they both went to. Oh, how life changed that day. Life had finally started for Jude, but meeting Connor had also almost meant the end of it. Jude had not been five minutes away from bleeding to death on the floor of that house. That house, were all the horrible memories had been made.

Things had changed since then. Now, even though Jude probably shouldn’t, he smiled thinking of a strong memory. The memory of the day he claimed justice.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_About one year before the proposal, 2025_

“You sure you want to do this?”

The 26 year-old Jude looks over at his boyfriend. Connor had asked him this question at least ten times this week. Still, Jude couldn’t get irritated over it, he understood Connor’s concern.

“It is time. You know I need to do this.”

 

Connor nods. He’s scared. This is a part of their lives that they left behind many years ago. Jude had not wanted to talk about it after the trials were over.

Jude never did tell Connor exactly what had transpired in that house. To this day, Connor only knew about what he had seen on Jude’s body. He knew about the burning of his back and that Phil had tried to cut off one of Jude’s breasts when he was not more than 12 years old. Jude wanted it to be this way and honestly it didn’t matter to Connor. The past was the past and it was Jude’s future that belonged to Connor.

Connor knew though, that it must have been bad. It must have been more than bad.

There had been several trials after the severe abuse had been known by the authorities.

There was the trial against Adam for having made Phil into a living vegetable by hitting him in the temple with the baseball bat. There had also been a civil suit against Phil, giving Jude compensation for what he had been through. Connor still snorts at that. There was nothing that could compensate that, nothing.

Jude had not been present at the trials. He had given a written statement, describing everything that had been done to him in detail. They had arranged so that Adam was not present when the judge was to read the statement, Jude had begged. He did not want Adam to know. The only one known to them that had been present was Lena. Lena had finally convinced Jude that she had to be there. She needed to know everything so that they could start putting Jude together again.

Saying that Jude had not liked the idea was an understatement but Lena had not yielded. Connor wonders if she regrets it or not, hearing it all. Connor thinks she does.

Connor doesn’t know what the judge had to read out but he knew the impact it had had. The statement was meant to take two hours to read, that was the scheduled time. It had taken the judge three full days to complete it. He had not been able to read more than short passages before having to pause for several hours.

Phil’s defense attorney had managed the first day, and he had had time to read the statement in advance. After the first day, he claimed he had become too sick to be able to continue defending Phil. Depression, the claimed cause. The second attorney had stayed for the entire trial, no one in the San Diego legal system envied her.

Lena had not been able to handle it well. She had tried very hard, but she couldn’t. She had not been able to work at all for three weeks and Connor remembers it took months before Lena was even beginning to look like her old self.

Needless to say, Adam had been acquitted as he had acted in order to save Jude’s life. As the only thing Phil could move was his eyes he was to live out the rest of his days in a nursing home, a holding facility not deemed necessary.

So here they were, Connor and Jude. Grown up. Jude had survived. Jude had even flourished since then. Here they were, sitting in their car. Jude had postponed this long enough. He needed closure. He wasn’t sure this was to bring him that, but he wanted to try.

“So, you wait here until I’m… done?”

“Of course. You sure you don’t want me to come in with you?”

“I’m sure Connor. I need to do this myself, it’s… part of it.”

“Ok… yeah… yeah I know.”

Jude leans over and kisses Connor. They break their kiss but puts their foreheads against each other’s, a ritual they perform when needed.

“Love you so much.” Jude says.

“Love you more babe.”

Jude smiles.

He opens the car door and gets out. He takes a deep breath before he walks up to the building. He opens the front door to the nursing home where Phil resides. He’s not nervous any more.

Jude walks up to what looks like some kind of reception.

“Hey there, can I help you?” An older female sitting behind the counter asks.

“Yeah I’m… I want to visit one of your… patients I guess?”

“Ok. Name?” The woman’s focus has shifted back to her computer.

“Jude Jacob.”

“I mean the one you want to visit.” By her tone Jude is already pretty sure the woman hates her job and has been hating it for many years.

“Phil Thompson.”

The woman looks up from her computer.

“Thompson?”

Jude nods.

“Oh… ok. I think this is the first time someone’s visited him… ever.”

Jude is not surprised.

“Ok come with me.” The woman gets up from her chair and walks Jude down a corridor.

“You know that Mr. Thompson is severely handicapped, right? He can’t talk or move.”

Jude bites his lip.

“Can he… see?”

She looks over at him.

“Yes. Yes he can see but he can’t move his head. He can see, hear and breathe, that’s about it.”

_Good._

They stop in front of a door.

“Ok this is it. You want someone with you in there?”

“No. No I’ll be fine. Thank you.”

Jude waits until the woman is half-way back to her chair. Carefully he opens the door, enters and closes it behind him.

The room is light and neat. It’s quite large considering the only thing in it is a bed, a chair and a bench with a TV on it.

Jude didn’t know what he expected to see but he couldn’t help that he had a hard time breathing looking at _him_. Phil was lying in the bed with his eyes closed. He was hooked up to some machine monitoring his heartbeat and probably other things as well. He looked older, much older. He was still as ugly as always. Jude was disgusted by the sight. Feeling anger rising within, Jude took a much needed breath.

Jude walks up to the bed. He stands at the foot of it and observes the monster lying in front of him. A wheezing sound heard every time Phil takes a breath. It sounds strained, like every single breath was troublesome to take.

Jude sits down on the chair. It feels strange for him sitting there looking at his former tormentor. Jude feels calm again, seeing Phil completely pacified. This was already known to him but it was another thing seeing it with his own eyes. Phil looks weak.

After Jude has sat on the chair for a few minutes Phil’s heartbeat monitor indicates some kind of change. Slowly, Jude sees Phil opening his eyes. It takes a few moments for them to adjust to the light. Phil’s eyes wander slowly to the side, to where Jude is sitting. His eyes squint when they land on Jude. After a moment, Phil realizes who’s sitting beside him. His eyes go wide, Jude probably the last person he would expect sitting there.

Jude waits a few minutes before he speaks.

“Hello Phil. It’s been a while.”

It’s a weird feeling for him. For once, Jude is in control. They look at each other for a while. Jude tries to remain calm, a hard thing to do considering the memories associated with the man lying in the bed.

Phil’s eyes flicker towards the door. Jude sees something in Phil’s eyes he’s never seen before. Phil feels something that Jude knows all about. Phil is feeling scared.

“How…” Jude speaks in a low voice. The question on his mind one that’s been on it for many years.

“How could you do… all those things that you did to me?”

“To a… to a child. I was nine… nine years old.”

Jude has to repress it, the anger rising within him. Phil’s eyes are still wide, still scared.

So many things he wants to say, so many things he’s wanted to tell the sad excuse for a man lying in front of him. Thing is, now Jude just can’t seem to see the point of it. He’ll never know and he’ll never understand it.

Jude focuses. He’s here for a reason. He’s here to show and tell Phil that he didn’t win.

”You always said… how happy you were that I would always… that I would always be reminded of you. All those scars you put there, on my body.”

Jude gulps. Pushing memories of horrible nights far far away. He stares at Phil.

“You were wrong.”

Jude picks up his phone from his pocket. He stands up and walks up to the bed.

“This is me now.”

Jude puts his phone in front of Phil and shows him the pictures. The pictures of him shows not a trace of the wounds inflicted on him. Plastic surgery had done most of it, photoshop the rest.

“You see? Not a trace of you. It’s like you never existed.”

Phil’s heartbeat increases. His eyes have shifted from looking scared to something else, anger perhaps. Jude is not sure.

Jude continues swiping on his phone until a picture of him and Connor comes up. They are kissing. Phil looks away, now his eyes are clearly showing anger.

“Oh you didn’t like that? That was me and Connor. We’re married now.” Obviously not true, but Phil didn’t know that. The machine that Phil is hooked up to starts beeping in a quicker pace.

This part had been easy. He had just shown Phil pictures telling him that he had not been able to break him. Jude had survived and he was doing well. He was doing more than well.

The second part though, would be harder. Being cruel to someone else was probably as far away from Jude’s inner nature that you could come. Even against Phil, there was something inside Jude not allowing him to feel completely comfortable with it. Jude was not proud of this, what he was about to do to Phil was vengeance and nothing else.

“Phil… I have one more thing to show you.”

After a while, Phil looks back at Jude before he looks at Jude’s phone. Jude starts the video in front of his eyes.

The video shows a barrel. The video is taken in the Stevens’s backyard. After a few moments flames are starting to spew out of the barrel. 

Jude looks at Phil. He’s looking intensely at the video. Soon he’ll realize what’s going to happen. Jude stands in front of the camera. He’s holding a large cardboards box. Jude opens the box and looks at the camera while he picks up a dress from the box.

Phil’s eyes go wide. He’s scared again, desperate. Phil recognized the dress, of course he did.

The dress had belonged to his wife. The wife that had passed away before Jude and Callie moved into the house. Jude knew that Phil was far from being over her. Her old dresses had a deep meaning to him, he worshipped them. Phil had shocked him while he lived with him. Phil had talked about love. About how much he had loved his wife. It was almost bizarre to hear him talk about emotions, it only happened when he was reminded of her though. This is why Jude knows what this will do to him. He’s not proud of it, but he wants to do it. Jude never claimed to be perfect.

On the video, Jude puts the dress down and picks up another one. Showing it to the camera. Jude keeps showing the dresses, all of them belonging to Phil’s late wife. Jude knows that Phil hates seeing Jude even touching them on the video. He has no idea.

Jude moves his phone closer to Phil. He wants him to see this.

On the video Jude goes up to the barrel with flames coming out of it. He picks up a dress and looks at the camera.

Phil’s eyes are glued to the video. Phil’s heart is racing. Jude looks at the closed door for a second before looking back at Phil. He looks terrified. The moment that Jude throws the first dress in the barrel Phil’s eyes flicker all over the place. Desperation, anger and sadness all expressions shown in his eyes.

Jude throws another dress into the barrel and Phil closes his eyes and by doing so Jude can witness two tears running down Phil’s cheeks.

“Oh no you don’t. You’re going to watch it like you made me watch.”

Jude puts the hand not holding his phone on Phil’s forehead. With his fingers he forces Phil’s eyelids open. Jude puts the phone even closer, not giving Phil a choice but to watch as his wife’s dresses are being engulfed by the flames. Jude doesn’t stop holding Phil’s eyelids open until the very last dress is thrown into the barrel.

Jude hears footsteps from outside. Quickly he sits down on the chair and puts his phone away. The door is opened and the woman from before enters.

“What’s happening?”

”Umm… nothing, why do you ask?” Jude says, looking surprised.

“Mr. Thompson’s heart is racing. It could be dangerous for him.”

“Oh ok, so that was all that beeping?”

“Yes.” The woman checks the instruments before she continues.

“I think it would be best if Mr. Thompson was to be left alone. Company seems to upset him.”

Jude gets up from the chair.

“Ok. Can I just goodbye to him?”

The woman nods and takes a few steps back, giving them some privacy.

Jude leans in and whispers in Phil’s ear.

“Even after all you did to me, I won. This is the last time we’ll see each other and I’ll never forget that you were the one crying.”

Jude turns back to the woman and smiles before leaving the room and Phil behind.

Phil died that following night. Cardiac arrest the official cause of death.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_Present time_

Jude is not smiling anymore thinking about that day. When news got to him and Connor about Phil’s death they didn’t celebrate. They certainly didn’t mourn but they didn’t celebrate. However, it meant closure.

In a perfect world Jude would have felt nothing but happiness since the day Phil was out of his life. In a perfect world he would have left the past behind him to just concentrate on the future. It was what everyone told him and he knew it was true. Problem is that Jude is the only one, now in existence, that knows everything that was done to him.

Somethings, you don’t forget simply by wishing it.

Phil’s death had affected him deeply. More than he ever imagined it would. With him gone, the chapter could finally be closed. He would never be able to somehow come back and make his life miserable again. There had been very few bad days since he moved in with the Adams-Fosters. The panic attacks happened not even once a year. Since Phil had died, there had been no bad days at all.

Perhaps the best thing about his death about two years ago was that he now was able to stand here, to be in the position he was in.

Connor had talked, half-jokingly, about marriage since they were 17. In all honesty this ceremony wasn’t completely necessary for Jude. But, it was for Connor. Jude knew that. This meant so much for him and Jude couldn’t be happier that he finally was able to give it to Connor. Connor, who had saved him all those years ago.

Jude is glad he told Connor just after his 20th birthday how he looked at marriage. Jude had noticed that Connor had talked about it more and more and knowing that Connor always wore his heart on his sleeve, Jude had to tell him. First of all they were probably too young, way too young.

This wasn’t the major problem though.

Jude knew that normal rules didn’t quite apply in their relationship. The both of them had noticed this when others talked about their relationships. Too many of them seemed to have this fixation of pointing out their partner’s mistakes and shortcomings. Like they were in some sort of… battle. Lying in trenches just waiting to take a shoot at the other whenever the other one popped their head up, whenever opportunity allowed.

The major problem was that Jude felt a strong connection between marriage and the church. Jude knew it was some sort of mental blockage, it wasn’t rational how strongly he felt about it. Church was something that he just couldn’t do. The association to Phil was too strong. As long as Phil was alive Jude just couldn’t do it. Connor had talked about getting a civil marriage outside of church, even though Jude knew that Connor wanted the traditional thing. Perhaps a civil marriage outside of church would have been an option in the future, luckily with the death of Phil this wasn’t an issue anymore.

So, the death of Phil had meant closure like nothing else.

Jude looks at his phone, should be about twenty minutes before it is time to walk down the aisle. Jude snickers. Closure. Another memory regarding that subject comes to mind. A memory concerning the two tormentors that had made sure that even school wasn’t a safe haven for him.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_Five years earlier, 2022_

Jude was deep in thought, studying in his office. In about six months he would graduate with honors, he already had several job offers but he wanted to do this right, not skipping any corners. Jude acknowledges how lucky he was. He was a student but he didn’t exactly live as a student. He and Connor lived in a four-bedroom apartment in which he had his own office.

Since Connor signed with LA Galaxy about four years earlier they could pretty much live where they wanted. They had opted to stay close to where they grew up but in a gated community. Jude didn’t like the idea, splitting people up into different groups. However, LA Galaxy had some pretty enthusiastic fans and that together with some media attention really left them no choice.

Connor was in the kitchen, believe it or not he was making lunch. Connor’s cooking skills had been an ongoing joke for years until Jude finally decided that enough was enough and he taught Connor the basics.

Jude was disturbed by a knock before Connor opened the door. Jude looked up with a smile which quickly disappeared when he saw the look on Connor’s face. He is hard to read but something is up that’s for sure.

“What’s the matter?”

“Umm… there’s… there’s someone who wants to… see you.”

“Okay, show them in?”

“You should probably see who it is first.”

Jude gulped. He didn’t like Connor’s tone.

He stood up from his desk and together with Connor they walked to the monitor. Tony, the guard at the gate was obviously waiting for them. Tony shifted the camera towards the person seeking entrance. Jude’s mind went blank seeing a face he hadn’t seen for many years.

It was Scott. No doubt about it. He looked pale, he was completely white in fact. The thing that stood out even more was how thin he was. He didn’t look well, scrawny face and frizzy hair. He looked nervous, one hand constantly rubbing his clothed underarm.

Jude looked over at Connor. Connor didn’t like seeing Scott, that was easy to see. Jude bit his lip, he didn’t breathe normally taking shallow breaths. He forced down saliva before surprising himself and Connor.

“It’s ok Tony. Let him in.”

On the monitor they could see the gates opening and Scott walked in, his head held down.

“Are you sure about this?” Connor asked him. Jude shrugged and responded honestly.

“No.”

Connor’s jaw moved from side-to-side. Over the years Jude wouldn’t say that Connor had been overprotective of him, Connor knew better than that. However, he was protective of Jude and this was an element of their past that they hadn’t had to think about for a long time.

Having his former bully now walking to their door did not scare Jude the slightest. Connor was there with him and that meant that Jude probably was safer than the president was. Jude was nervous though, many bad memories associated with the figure now ringing their doorbell.

Jude stood in the hallway as Connor walked up and opened the door before taking a few steps back. Scott was looking down. Jude wasn’t sure but his jaw seemed to tremble. He looked even worse in person, far from the quite athletic young man he was in high school.

Scott glanced up first at Connor and then at Jude before looking down again.

“H-hey…” Scott said.

“What do you want?” Connor’s tone reeked of disgust.

“Can I come in?”

Before Connor had to chance to say something, probably something not very nice, Jude spoke.

“Yeah… ok, come in.”

Connor looked over at him with a wary expression. Jude whispered to him.

“It’s ok…”

The three young men walked into the living room. Jude and Connor sat down in the couch and Scott sat down in the armchair opposite them. A long moment of awkward silence, neither one of them seemed to know what to say. Jude finally broke the silence after his train of thought made him revisit acts of violence the man in front of him had performed.

“Wh-what are you doing here Scott?”

It took a minute for him to respond. When he did Scott finally looked up and made eye-contact. Eyes watery.

“I’m… I’m sorry.”

Jude is the one squeezing Connor’s hand because Jude knows it’s the only way to keep him from snorting at Scott. Connor is not reading the broken man in front of him the way Jude is.

Scott leans forward and puts his elbows on his knees and hides his face in his hands. He starts crying. Jude doesn’t know why but his eyes sting as well. He looks over at Connor and Connor has a blank expression. At least he’s not looking angry and disgusted anymore, Connor is getting the hang of it.

It takes another minute or so before Scott is able to speak again.

“I don’t… I’m not… I’m not here for you to forgive me Jude. I-I-I know what I’ve done is unforgivable.”

The situation is a bit weird. Jude’s thumb is caressing Connor’s hand. Connor is the one that needs the comfort. It probably should be the other way around, but it wasn’t. Jude and Connor always able to read each other and Connor is not doing well right now.

“But… but I want to you to know I am sorry. I-I… anything… to go back… anything.”

Scott is back to crying into his hands. Jude has to dry his own eyes with the back of his free hand. Jude looks over at Connor and gives him a comforting half-smile. Jude’s not sure it worked, Connor is looking cautious.

“Why… today?” Jude asks.

Scott shows his face again, still avoiding eye-contact. After a few moments he sighs.

“I’m in a… program.”

Even though it was 90 degrees outside Scott had a long sleeved shirt on. Jude always noticed things like that, covering yourself up something he mastered in his early teens. He wasn’t sure that it meant anything, but he had noticed.

Jude and Connor let Scott continue.

“It’s k-kind of my… last… chance.”

Another pause and a deep breath.

“I’ve been clean for almost six months.”

If Jude had the option to turn back time he had told Scott something encouraging. As it went down he didn’t say anything. It was still surreal seeing Scott sitting here in their home. Scott, the person that had hated Jude. Hated him.

“A-and it… I had… forgiven myself for… for everything. For my kids I h-had to forgive myself. Everything… except…”

Scott sniffles and looks up at the couple sitting in front of him.

“Do-does he know… everything?” Scott asks Jude.

“No.” Jude says. Connor flinches.

Scott looks down again, shame forcing him. Scott nods. A long silence follows. Jude dries his eyes again with the back of his hand. Scott sniffles and a solitary tear makes its way down his pale cheek.

“S-so everything was going… ok. Until… the game. The game that was on last Saturday.”

Jude and Connor gathered he was talking about Connor’s game that had been televised. Jude didn’t like the attention but the camera always ended up on him during all the games at some time. Perhaps not that surprising since Connor was the only out gay player in the league but Jude still didn’t like it.

Scott gulps.

“And I-I saw you Jude and everything just… Christie… My girlfriend s-she…” Scott was talking incoherently, he stuttered and he choke up every now and then. He stopped himself and took a moment collecting his thoughts.

“Everything came back… I just… broke down. And I told her everything that I had done. She knows about my past b-but…”

Scott looks up and looks Jude in the eyes.

“Listen I… I don’t even know why I’m here. I’m not asking you to forgive me but… I just had to tell you I am so sorry. Y-you didn’t deserve it. Any of it.”

“So why did you do it?” Connor asked him, tone not as aggressive as before for which Jude was grateful.

Scott looks at Connor before looking back at Jude. Neither Jude or Connor recognized the man sitting in their armchair. Whoever this was, he was not the same as in high school. It wasn’t the appearance. It was most obvious in the body language.

“It made me feel not as worthless… Which is… so messed up, I know that. But it’s the truth. The u-ugly truth.”

”For what it’s worth… life… I didn’t have it good… ever.”

Connor is about to protest but Jude tells him by squeezing his hand to let Scott finish. It was well-known in high school that Scott lived with his mother and whichever boyfriend she currently had. He had worn out clothes, his soccer shoes probably two sizes too small for him. Things like that Jude had noticed but at the time it didn’t seem important. Perhaps it wasn’t. 

“And I know how lousy an excuse t-that is… Especially to… you. If only half the things I heard a-about what happened to you is true…”

Jude knows about the rumors that had been spreading about what had happened to him. Unfortunately, most of them were true. Fortunately, only a fraction of reality had leaked out.

Scott trails off and looks down. The shame too great apparently.

“And Jude… I’m so sorry for… the beach. For… what we did.”

Connor can feel Jude’s hand starting to shake slightly, he looks at Jude from the side and his boyfriend is trembling all over.

Connor doesn’t know what to do, but he wants to do something, comfort Jude in some way. Before he gets the chance Jude speaks in a low voice. His words make Connor go stiff.

“You made me not wanting to be alive anymore. That day.”

Scott tries to muffle his sobs in his hands. He’s not in control.

Jude doesn’t want to be mean or cruel to Scott, his regret is not pretended. However, he wants to be honest, it feels like the right thing to do.

“I was going to jump down on the tracks. At that overpass near La Mesa. I stood there.”

Scott cried loudly, he wanted Jude to stop but he couldn’t speak.

Connor was not ok. Never had they talked about Jude’s suicide thoughts. Connor had tried to but Jude never wanted to. Hearing the man who was the most important part of his life talking about times he didn’t want to be alive not easy for the sensitive Connor.

Jude thought about talking more about that day at the beach. Things had happened that no one but he, Scott and his partner in crime knew about. Jude decided he wanted it to stay that way.

“Hey… Scott?”

Scott whimpered but he showed his eyes, just letting his hands cover his mouth and nose. He looked up at Jude and he looked so scared, like a small animal.

“I’m not telling you this for you to feel even worse about it, but I want you to know how… close it was. I don’t want to lie to you. Ok?”

Scott nods, his eyes producing tears and he inhales sharply through his nose every now and then.

“But I also… forgive you.” Scott’s eyes widen. For a moment he stops crying. Jude continues.

“I… know… You didn’t have it good either, and you were a kid.”

Jude sniffles, emotions hard to control for him as well.

“And most importantly you’ve… changed. You didn’t have to come here today-“

“Yes I did… I had to.”

They sit for a few moments without talking. Scott opens his mouth a few times without getting any words out. Jude gives him a half-smile.

“I don’t know what to say Jude… I don’t deserve it.”

”It’s alright Scott. Now, it is alright. And hey… thank you… for coming here today.”

Scott’s face lifts, what looks like the beginning of a smile is repressed within soon. Scott doesn’t feel like he got the right to smile.

“By the way… are you still friends with… John?”

Scott gulps, shakes his head and looks down.

Jude waits for Scott.

Connor starts to think of the day he put an end to their harassment of Jude. He remembers when he punched Jonn so hard that his eyesight never recovered, he keeps thinking about the sound his fat body made when it hit the floor in the locker room.

“John is… John is dead.”

And just like that Connor feels bad. Jude opens his mouth, he’s shocked over the news.

“Wh-what? When?”

“He moved to the east coast after high school and… we lost contact and… yeah long story short. He OD’d last year…”

“I’m… I’m sorry to hear that.” Jude considered it the right thing to say.

Scott shrugged.

A few minutes of not knowing what to say. All three of them thinking back to high school before Scott seems to shake his head before looking up at them.

“Hey… I just want to say t-that it’s so… cool that you’re still together. I don’t think anyone else from high school are.”

Even Connor offers Scott a half-smile as a thank you, he sounds genuine. Scott looks down again, having trouble looking them in the eyes for too long.

“I try to… make my son better. Better than I was. I showed him your prom picture.” Scott chuckles while looking deep in thought.

“You know what he said?”

Obviously they didn’t.

“Wow dad they are so pretty!”

All three of them snickers slightly.

Scott regains his serious expression.

“I’m going to go now. I… I can’t even… I…” Scott looks at Jude, then Connor and then Jude again.

“Thank you. If you only knew what this means.”

Jude choke up. He could say the same to Scott. Later that day and week Jude came to realize how much it had meant. It was the best kind of closure.

Scott got up from the armchair. He tapped his nose with a finger and looked at Connor with a smirk.

“It’s still crooked you know.”

“Umm…” Connor didn’t know what to say.

“I ca-can… I can pay for you getting it fixed.” Connor offering Scott money, oh what a difference an hour can make.

Scott shook his head before opening the outer door.

“No… it’s a good reminder.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_Present time_

Jude smiles slightly. They had not become friends or anything like that with Scott, too much had probably gone down for that to be possible. However, they had seen each other from time to time. Scott had one time introduced them to his son who had been more than excited meeting them. Ok mostly Connor, apparently Scott’s son had soccer as his premier interest. Scott had been proud to introduce them, that was what both he and Connor remembers most about it.

Jude’s phone buzzes indicating he got a text. He looks at it. It’s from his best friend. Ok that’s probably Connor but she insists on the title.

“Everything looks perfect. I think Adam will pass out though. SO happy for ya J”

Hannah is sitting inside the church for sure. Jude snickers thinking about Adam probably pacing back and forth being a nervous wreck. Hannah was important though. She had been for a long time. Jude knows that life would have been very different if she didn’t ask him to sit with them at lunch that one day. She wouldn’t take no for an answer Jude remembers.

Hannah, still one of the very few that knew about Jude. What a day that was.

 <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

_2017, November_

18-year old Jude hadn’t been this nervous for a long time. He was walking on shaky legs to her house. He had decided it was time. Jude always had to do hard things that way. He had to decide and then he forced himself to go through with it.

Up until now he hadn’t told anyone. The Stevens’s and the Adams-Fosters knew but that was it. He had wanted to wait, until after the surgery. There was only one person he wanted to know. He felt like she deserved to know. Not just because Jude now knew that Hannah had had feeling for him a lot longer than he thought.

Maddie had been drunk and gotten emotional and it slipped out that Hannah had been in love with him through all the Connor drama. He couldn’t even imagine that. If he had to do what Hannah had done. If he had had to listen to Connor telling him how perfect some other boy or girl was. It’s unthinkable, but Hannah had done it. For him.

So, she deserved to know. He was so scared. Jude will never forget how scared he was. Hannah would have every right in the world to be mad at him. Furious even. She could tell everyone. Looking back at it, that was probably never going to happen but Jude only imagined the worst case scenarios happening.

She had been his girlfriend. She had no idea. How could he have been so selfish? He keeps telling himself that he just saw himself as a boy and nothing else. This was the truth, but another truth was that Jude knew he had been lying to her. Like he had with Connor at first. Jude sniffled. He was so ashamed of himself.

_Shit…_

Jude was standing on Hannah’s porch. He can’t remember how he got there. Well he knows that he walked there but he can’t remember passing the places he knew that he had had to pass to get here.

He rings the bell before entering. Like he had done many times before he walked to Hannah’s room, never had he felt like this though. He felt like he was more floating than walking. He had decided to do this, the only thing keeping him from turning around and run from the scene.

Hannah’s door was open so he just walked into her room. Hannah was lying on her bed talking on her phone. She grinned and waved at him. Jude sits down on her desk chair.

“Ok gotta go, Jude’s here. Yeah. Yeah I’ll tell him. Talk to you later. Bye.”

Hannah hangs up.

“Maddie says hi.”

Jude smiles awkwardly. He looks at the palm of his hands. He’s sweating. He can see the actual liquid.

“Hey come sit here, you’re so far away.” Hannah pats her bed. They always sit in her bed when they talk.

“No I rather… sit here.” Jude gulps, he’s surprised he’s even got the guts to look her in her eyes.

Hannah’s expression changes from a joyful one to a surprised one.

“Umm… ok? Is everything… ok?”

Jude just breaths for a while, he doesn’t look away.

“Jude…?”

He bites his lip so hard he can taste blood.

“Jude you’re scaring me. First you make sure no one else is here and now this… please Jude?”

“I have to tell you something.” Jude whispers. His words leave the room dead quiet. When he doesn’t continue Hannah speaks.

“Ok, so tell me?”

Jude is back at chewing at his lower lip.

“Whatever it is you can tell me, right?”

Jude recognizes a familiar feeling. His eyes are burning and he’s about to cry. He tries to hold it back but after a moment he starts whimpering some. That Hannah looks as scared as she does doesn’t exactly comfort him.

“Please Jude… Are you sick?”

He shakes his head. She seems relieved for a second.

“Is it about Connor?”

He shakes his head again.

The two of them look at each other, both of them looking scared.

“I…” Jude clears his throat, too thick and hoarse to speak as it was.

“Hannah… I don’t know how to say this…”

Jude starts crying again. Hannah instinctively gets up from her bed and walks over towards him.

“No… no don’t. Please… don’t.” Jude gets through while sobbing.

Hannah stops. After a minute she walks back and sits down at her bed. She waits for Jude to stop crying. It takes a few minutes. Her heart is beating fast. She and Jude had had some deep conversations but Jude had never been like this.

“I’ll understand if you’ll hate me. If… you don’t want to talk to me again.”

Hannah gives him a look of disbelief.

“Are you… what, Jude? You can tell me anything. Anything.”

Jude breathes through his nose. His eyes still sting.

”I hated lying to you… Please know that. I wanted to tell you b-but… I couldn’t.”

”Jude what are you talking about, please?”

Jude closes his eyes. He brings his hands to his face and covers it. He rocks in his chair and breaths into his hands a few times. He can feel tears on his cheeks. He hesitates.

Jude’s hands are shaking as he puts them over his knees. He opens his eyes and look at Hannah.

“T-three months ago…”

A few more deep breaths. Hannah nods at him slowly, urging him to continue. He blurts out the rehearsed sentence.

“Three months ago I had female to male reassignment surgery.”

A moment of utter silence before Hannah chuckles slightly and smiles at him. Her smile fades after not more than three seconds when Jude’s facial expression doesn’t change. They stay like that for a few moments, just looking at each other.

“W-what?” She smiles again and squints her eyes. Like she didn’t hear him.

Jude forces down the lump of saliva building up in his throat. He’s feeling scared. He’s feeling cold. He wants Connor there. He wants Connor to hold him right this second.

Hannah looks at him. The only one better at reading him is Connor. Jude can almost see how her brain thinks, how it processes the information provided.

“A-are you… Do you mean that you…?”

Jude doesn’t know exactly what she means but he nods at her. Telling her it’s true, he’s not lying.

Hannah still apologizes about how she handled the news. She had wanted to tell him it was alright and hug him the second he told her but that was not how it happened. Hannah was shocked and it was more than understandable if you asked Jude. Connor had had months to process everything and Hannah got a few minutes at best.

Her next line something they now could laugh about. In fact, they had done so many times. In retrospect it was humorous but there and then it wasn’t.

“A-are you… sure?”

Jude nods, he tries to tell her with his eyes he’s never been more serious in his life.

“I’ve always known I was a boy. But I had to have some things… corrected.”

Hannah covers her mouth and looks away, processing the information.

It’s not fair of Jude to ask it of Hannah, to think that she would just understand everything in a matter of minutes. He’s scared though, and Jude reacts like he often does when he’s scared.

He starts to cry again, this time he can’t hold it back and tears starts streaming down his cheeks. He keeps repeating that he’s sorry. His eyes are closed and he’s heaving.

Hannah snaps out of her thoughts. Hearing Jude cry affects her the same way it affects Connor. It’s still Jude, of course it is. She gets up from the bed and sniffling she kneels in front of him putting her hands on his knees.

Jude’s hiding his face while crying. He’s loud, Hannah knows he can’t control it, she’s seen it before a few times and it always breaks her heart.

She starts rubbing his knees and legs with her hands.

“Jude… Jude don’t cry.”

”Y-y-you m-must hate me.”

”No… fuck, no Jude.”

Jude not in a state of being able to correct her.

Hannah sighs.

“Listen… I’m sorry, I’m just… I don’t know what to say. Please, look at me…”

Jude is still hiding his face, not crying uncontrollable anymore but he’s whimpering.

“Jude… please. I’m sorry I don’t know what to say b-but… It’s ok, ok?”

Hannah’s mind racing. She really didn’t know what to say or do but she knew that Jude feeling safe was paramount, it always was and right now Jude was not feeling safe.

Finally, Jude put down his hands and his red eyes met Hannah’s. She didn’t look disgusted or angry, she looked concerned. Jude didn’t think he deserved it. Any of it. He surely didn’t deserve Connor and right now he didn’t think he deserved having Hannah as a friend.

“Hey… I might not… I don’t know what to say so pl-please don’t be upset if I say the wrong things.”

Hannah was still rubbing his legs. It worked. The body contact calmed him down.

Jude sniffled and nodded at her.

“What do you say… start from the beginning?”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_Present time_

Jude snickered. Hannah literally asking him if he was sure he had had the surgery. He would remind her of it for the rest of her life.

A knock on the door interrupts him from his thoughts.

Adam opens the door and comes inside.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Jude smiles. Adam looks nervous and he has been crying, his eyes tells Jude bright as day. But, more than anything Adam looks happy. Jude snickers and almost gets tears in his eyes already. He loves the old man standing in front of him, the father he didn’t get until late in life.

“You look so handsome Jude. You sure you want to marry that bum outside? You could do better you know.”

Jude laughs.

“Thanks. And yeah, I’m pretty sure.”

Adam dries his eyes. Jude can only imagine how many times he’s done so today.

“You ready?”

Jude smiles wide with his lips closed.

“Yeah. I’m ready.”

Adam chuckles.

“See you inside.”

Jude waits a minute. A final look in the mirror. It’s the last time he’ll see himself as Jude Jacob. Next time he’ll be a married man.

Next time he will be Jude Stevens.

Jude had decided he wanted to have Connor’s last name. He wanted to officially be a Stevens. He didn’t want to give up on his last name altogether though, remembering where he came from too important. Connor had suggested the obvious thing, having a shared last name. Jude had rejected the idea, he wasn’t a fan of shared names and he did want to be Jude Stevens.

The compromise that Jude struck with himself being that he took Jacob as a middle name. Jude had held a small speech explaining his reasoning. Connor had mostly laughed at him, but as long as Jude was happy with it so was Connor.

A deep breath before opening the door. Jude exited, ready for the next step in his life.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude stopped. He had to. He saw him from behind. He was already standing outside the big wooden doors leading into the chapel.

Connor was standing there. He was waiting for Jude to take his place by his side before they were to walk in together.

_Shit._

Jude was already crying. From a distance and without even seeing his gorgeous face he was too handsome for Jude to grasp. His broad shoulders and that black tailor made tuxedo, Jude needed a moment before he continued his walk up to his husband to be on not so steady legs.

Connor closed his eyes. He heard him. Footsteps approaching from behind. He had waited for this moment since he was 17. Since he was 17 he had dreamt about marrying Jude Jacob. Soon to be Jude Stevens, Connor grins when he’s reminded of that. Jude Stevens.

_Fuck._

Connor is crying and Jude isn’t even here yet. He was about to marry Jude and he wasn’t sure how his heart was going to survive this. Connor had tried not to show Jude how much he wanted this. He didn’t know it himself why he wanted this so much but he did.

That small 16-year old boy whose brown eyes he caught that Monday in September over a decade ago. The boy who stole his heart with no intention of ever returning it. That Jude was the love of his life he had known for so long that he can’t remember feeling any other way. Connor had fought for Jude and Jude had fought for him. Against all odds they had made it and this was their victory day.

The steps came closer and then they stopped. Connor opened his eyes and slowly he turned his head to his left. Connor’s heart made some acrobatic feats when hazel met brown.

“You’re crying.” Jude said grinning wide, his eyes shining like freaking stars.

“You too” Connor responded in a low voice. He felt breathless, Jude was always good-looking but seeing him in that dark blue suit. Connor couldn’t help himself. Connor didn’t smile but he didn’t have to, his eyes said it all.

Jude snickered while looking fondly into Connor’s eyes. Connor was long lost looking into Jude’s big brown ones.

“I can’t believe this is happening.” Jude said, his cheeks almost felt sore from grinning so wide.

“Jude… you… you…” Connor searching for words in vain.

“Hey… do you remember when we held hands for the first time?”

Connor nodded. Of course he did.

“Yes. We were in my room and I tried to tell you how much I liked you but I… I was so nervous. I was about to jump out the window when you…”

Connor trailed off as Jude held out his right hand for Connor to take.

Connor smiled, just as wide as Jude when he took Jude’s right hand in his left. Jude sighed contently and looked forward. Connor did the same. Both of them staring into the wooden door in front of them.

“Is it warm?”

Jude sniffled.

“Like the sun...”

The music inside started playing. This was it. A final look at each other.

“I love you Jude.”

“I love you too Connor.”

The doors opened and hand-in-hand they started walking down the aisle.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Jude actually tried not to smile so much. Naturally he failed miserably. He took glances to the side. He already knew who were going to be there. Everyone. Everyone that mattered had come.

The first face he saw was Wyatt. He saw Jacob and Ashley, even Dr. Parker was there. Mrs. Porter was muffling her sobs with her hand. She looked stunning. Jude concentrated on breathing while looking at smiling faces. At the front he saw Madison and Hannah. Madison had moved to Canada but had come to San Diego for the wedding. Jude had some colleagues and friends from university there. Lena and Stef was of course present and also Jesus who he had gotten to know some from his time at the Adams-Fosters and also from tutoring him even before he knew Connor.

Connor felt like the luckiest man on earth and it showed. He had relatives. A lot of them. Most of them from Arizona but also some spread out over California. The entire LA Galaxy team were there which was the reason for the extensive security outside the church.

The walk down the aisle was nearly as taken from a romantic comedy. The reason for it of course Adam Stevens. They had not taken five steps into the chapel when Adam started bawling. He was so loud it almost drowned out the sounds coming out of the organ.

Jude and Connor looked at each other and laughed slightly. A lot of the other guests did as well, Adam being emotionally invested in their relationship probably the worst kept secret in the United States. Mia did her best to calm him down but seeing her only child about to get married meant she wasn’t exactly stable herself.

Both Jude and Connor were more than glad they had decided not to go with Adam’s idea of him walking them down the aisle. They had foreseen that he would not be able to handle that. Hearing him now, they knew they had been right.

They approached the priest standing there with a warm smile. On his side’s, their best men proudly stood.

Mike on Connor’s side and Chris on Jude’s side. Both of them smiled but Jude saw that Chris was nervous, it was obvious. He had been touched when Jude asked him but most likely he had been nervous about this from that day, not wanting to screw it up.

The ceremony started and everything went well. The priest was instructed to keep the Christian talk to a minimum, they had felt like too much of hypocrites otherwise. Adam had even calmed down, only sobbing loudly every now and then instead of constantly.

He did really good, until the priest got to a certain part.

“The couple will now recite the vows they wrote themselves.”

The guests goes silent. Connor is the first to speak.

“Ok… just so you know me and Jude have decided to keep these short. We don’t want the old man there dying just yet.” Connor snickered while looking at Adam. The guests laughed along with Adam.

Connor cleared his throat as he took Jude’s both hands in his. He probably shouldn’t look Jude in the eyes but it would feel weird not to so he did. Connor needed several moments just by looking at Jude. Flawless was the word that came to Connor’s mind, Jude was flawless. Good thing he had rehearsed his vows many times because he felt blank. Jude squeezed his hands and gave him that smile that made everything in Connor’s life feel right again.

“It’s over eleven years ago that you took my heart.”

Jude started crying silently after Connor’s first sentence but he never broke eye-contact.

“Since then, I’ve had many best days of my life with you.”

Connor’s voice trembled but he continued, if he stopped now he might not be able to finish.

“The day we held hands for the first time. The day we kissed for the first time. The day we kissed for the second time.”

Jude snickers slightly.

“The day you… told me you loved me for the first time.”

Connor chokes up. He sniffles and forces himself to continue again.

“The day I asked you to be mine… and you said yes. The day I got to hold you for the first time. The day we danced for the first time.”

Connor pauses.

“The day you agreed to be my husband. A-a-and… now you’ve given me this day.”

Both of them now have tears running freely. With tears in his eyes and unsteady voice Connor speaks.

“I will always be yours. I will never stop loving you. I will always fight for you. I will always fight for us and for all the days you’ve given me all I can do is to tell you that I will give you all of my remaining days. I promise.”

There are not many dry eyes in the chapel. It wasn’t just Connor’s words that moved them it was in the way that he said it. It was nothing new for anyone in there, the way Connor undeniably loved Jude, but it was another thing hearing him say it out loud speaking from his heart.

Adam was taking shallow breaths. He had closed his eyes and focused on breathing like he had to do sometimes nowadays, his heart not as strong as when he was younger and when he got too emotional he needed to take these actions.

Jude was not ok. Connor’s words had not been fair. He couldn’t say those things while looking him in the eyes, crying and still he hadn’t really even needed any words to express how he felt. Connor always did that. Took his breathe away just from being Connor. That wasn’t _keeping it short_ , typical Connor.

“Oh god…” Jude tried to clear his head. He tried to remember his words but he was totally blank. He needed a minute.

“You saved me.”

Jude starts speaking and the room goes quiet again.

“When we first met I was broken. I was not whole. I was… unfixable.”

Jude starts crying and with him everyone that knew Jude in high school did too. Connor’s turn to comfort him caressing his hands. Jude tries to snap out of it, he feels embarrassed.

“What you did… should have been impossible. But… you did it. You saved me. You fought for me.”

“I p-promise you… that I will be there for you whenever you feel broken. I promise to make you whole whenever you feel like you’re not. I promise I will always be there to fix you whenever you need me to. I… I will always be there to save you whenever you need me to. I will always fight for you.”

Jude’s heart is banging out of his chest. Fittingly for the occasion they are both holding onto each other in order to try and reduce the shaking of their hands. Connor’s lips have parted and his cheeks are wet, his hazel eyes glister from being filled with tears. Jude reminds himself he’s not done just yet. He goes on before he acts on impulse and kiss Connor.

“I… I won’t do this because I owe it to you. I will do this because the only thing in this world that I am 100 % sure of is that I love you and I always will. I promise.”

The priest starts talking but Connor and Jude aren’t really listening. The timing could be discussed but it’s not really up to them to decide when they shut everything else out. All Jude sees is Connor surrounded by pure light. They are communicating without talking. It’s happening. Jude feels like a hypocrite. He’s shined on that this marriage thing is mostly for Connor. The hell it is. This is without a doubt the best day in Jude’s life.

The priest must have noticed. He clears his throat and Jude and Connor are brought back to the chapel. They can only hope they hadn’t been gone too long.

Madison leans over and whispers to Hannah.

"I can't believe they still fucking do that."

Jude and Connor look at the priest and they realize it’s time. Jude’s throat goes dry as a desert. It’s happening. _Shit shit shit._

The priest turns towards Jude.

“Do you, Jude Jacob, take this man, Connor Michael Stevens, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do you part?”

Jude squeals.

“I do.”

The priest turns towards Connor.

“Do you, Connor Michael Stevens, take this man, Jude Jacob, to be your lawfully wedded husband, in the presence of family, friends and God, to hold onto through good times and in bad, in joy as well as in sorrow, for better or for worse, to love and to cherish him for as long as you both shall live?”

“I-I do.”

How they were able to speak something that they would consider a mystery for years to come. As the priest continued they looked at their respective best man to signal them to present the rings.

“If there be anyone present who may show just and lawful cause why this couple may not be legally wed, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.”

A moment of silence before the priest nods towards Jude and Connor.

Jude’s been doing breathing exercises while the priest has spoken. He locks onto Connor’s eyes like he’s done so many times before. This being the last time doing so before they would be joined forever.

"I J-Jude Jacob give you Connor Michael Stevens this ring as an eternal symbol of my love and commitment to you."

They both snicker nervously as Jude tries to get the ring onto Connor’s finger. It takes a while but he gets it done.

Connor repeats the same words. Jude uses his free hand to steady Connor’s, he’s shaking that much. When the ring finally slips onto Jude’s finger Connor sheds a tear from the sight.

“By the authority vested in me by the State of California I now pronounce you married, and what God hath joined together, let no man nor woman put asunder. You may now kiss.”

They looked at each other, their wide smiles could probably be seen from Europe. They were thinking the same thing, they were now married, it was official. Jude didn’t even have time to get uncomfortable from the upcoming kiss. Connor had always been the one in favor of showing public affection but Jude didn’t like it. Connor knew this and he had every intention of taking advantage of this moment.

Connor leans down towards his husband, he’s still smiling when their lips make contact. Jude had preferably wanting their wedding kiss to be close-lipped but knowing Connor Stevens he hadn’t even tried to talk Connor into it. Jude parts his lips slightly, allowing Connor’s tongue to taste him. Jude’s tongue meets Connor’s, they play with each other and when Jude tries to retract Connor’s tongue chases him causing Jude to giggle. They close their lips and kiss once again before slowly pulling away.

They open their eyes and to the surprise of none, their cheeks are wet. Connor is biting his lower lip to keep him from smiling like a fool. Jude blushes, they turn towards the crowd and the priest speaks again.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you mister and mister Connor and Jude Stevens.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_Wedding reception_

Adam had gone all out on the wedding reception. There was probably enough food, cake and drinks to serve a small town.

For Jude and Connor, the reception felt surreal. Everything was like in a daze. Sure they registered that family and friends congratulated them and such, but the feeling of being newlyweds made all else seem unimportant. Jude’s friends tried to make him leave Connor’s side but every time he did he just wanted to go back to him. Yes, he did feel pathetic for feeling so.

Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves, Adam definitely in the center of all the attention. He talked to everyone and of course he had to share embarrassing details about Jude and Connor’s life, it was in his nature.

Connor sneaked up on Jude who was trying to catch his breath, being overwhelmed by all the attention. From behind to put his hands on Jude’s hips and kissed his cheek.

“Hey…”

Jude exhaled and leaned back into Connor’s arms.

“Hey…”

“How is my husband doing?”

Jude closed his eyes and couldn’t stop smiling. He liked that. Being Connor’s husband. He liked it very much.

“He’s exhausted. Can’t wait until it’s just you and me.”

Connor chuckled.

“I know what you mean, it’s been a long day.”

“You think Adam’s going to be alright?”

“God I’ve been thinking the same, but he seems to be alright now. Not like in church.”

Jude snickered.

“He was quite… loud.”

Connor chuckled again.

“Yeah. But we knew that. That he wouldn’t be able to keep it together the day that you became… Jude Stevens.”

Jude laughed.

“You just wanted to say that, admit it.”

“Jude Stevens… I’m never going to get sick of saying that.”

Jude turned around and faced Connor. They didn’t say a word, they just looked at each other while seemingly trying to determine which one of them could smile the widest.

Someone cleared their throat, bringing them back from the world of theirs. It was Mia.

“Hey boys… sorry to bother you but I think my husband wants to say a few words.”

Jude and Connor took their seats along with everyone else. Adam was already standing up. Connor noticed his father had a piece of paper in front of him. Under the table Connor grabbed onto Jude’s hand before whispering to him.

“This is going to be bad, I just know it.”

Jude laughed.

“I’m not so sure about that, he might surprise us.”

Connor rolls his eyes while thinking. _Not very likely._

When the noise had settled down Adam clears his throat.

Just a minute ago Adam seemed perfectly fine but now he fiddled with his hands and he kept controlling his breath. He looked over at Jude and Connor, they smiled at him and he returned it before looking at the other guests.

“So hey everyone. I just… I just wanted to say a few words.”

“First of all thank you all for coming here… celebrating this very sp-spe…” That’s how far Adam got before he had to stop. He clenched his fist and put it to his lips. Mia who sat next to him rubbed his back. A good portion of the guests sniffled seeing Connor’s father so emotional. Jude squeezes Connor’s hand and smiles at him when he looks over.

Adam took a few deep breaths.

“Sorry… I promise I’ll try to keep it together.”

“You know last week, one of my colleagues asked me how it felt to marry off my only child. At first I didn’t even understand what he meant but after a while I remember that’s how I’ve heard other parent’s reason. Never once have I felt this way with Connor marrying Jude.”

Adam looks over at the young men, so far so good.

“Connor isn’t being married away. Jude is being married into our family, that’s how I see it. I… I want to say a little something about the two remarkable men whose l-love we’re celebrating today.”

Adam’s talking quite slowly, he only chokes up a few times. Mia smiles recognizing the lines he’d rehearsed before, it had paid off. The next part was probably going to be harder, he wasn’t going on script anymore even if Mia had strongly suggested him to.

“The first time I heard Connor mention the name Jude was in September 2015. It was the first Saturday after school had started and we had moved to San Diego not three weeks before that.”

Adam looks down and chuckles slightly.

“We were unpacking some boxes in the garage and I asked him about school, hadn’t really had the time to do so until that day. You would think he got a lot of new impressions from being to a new school for a week?”

Adam smiles wide and shakes his head.

“Nope… he only had one impression, only one thing he found worthy of mentioning. I still remember it, I hope to god I’ll remember it for as long as I live. He said ‘ _Yeah I’m being tutored by this cool guy, Jude Jacob, he’s a genius you know._ ’.”

Adam pauses for a moment. Connor’s embarrassed but Jude is listening intensely, this story he hadn’t heard before.

“I can’t say what it was, it was the way he said it I guess, and that he said the full name perhaps. I remember that I almost… froze. I put down the box I carried and I looked at Connor and he was… well he was thinking of something pleasant because he was looking dreamingly at the wall, smiling like I had never seen him before.”

Connor started to hide his face with one hand. His cheek felt warm, no surprise there.

“I wasn’t sure then, what it meant. But I knew it meant something. And then… after Connor had been over at Jude’s studying math he was the happiest boy in the world. Connor… studying math. That is… I love my son deeply but you should know that math and Connor is not a match made in heaven.”

The guests laugh.

“I didn’t know then. I had never met Jude. I had only heard Connor talk about him every minute of the day. It was almost annoying.” The guests snickers before Adam continues.

“No… it wasn’t. Seeing Connor that happy was everything a father could ask for.”

“The day I knew was the day I met Jude. They were going fishing and naturally Connor didn’t want me there. Which of course meant I had to be there. We were having a great time, I was telling Jude of when I caught Connor masturbating with a paper roll and-“

Connor hides his face with both hands and Jude laughs from the memory. Madison practically screams from laughter, she had not been holding back on the champagne. Hannah, who’s not drinking alcohol, sits beside her and can’t help snickering. Adam looks over at Connor and chuckles.

“Like I said, we were having a great time. I didn’t know then, but I was about to. I don’t think any of them noticed it then but we were eating and I looked up at them and they were both glancing at each other. Jude looked away but Connor kept looking at him. I knew then, that look in Connor’s eyes… when he looked at Jude.”

Adam suddenly chokes up, a few tears escapes. He looks up at the guests.

“Y-you know the look, right?”

The one’s that aren’t too emotional nods and smiles. They all knew the look, the way Connor looked at Jude like he was the only thing that existed. Adam dries his eyes and sniffles, a deep breath

“Another thing happened that night that I’ll always be grateful for. They had a… moment, their first, and I… I was there to see it. I like to think that’s where it started, their journey together. What a journey it’s been, huh?”

“It was an intense time, that autumn of 2015. I witnessed Connor falling deeper and deeper, it didn’t take long before I knew he was in love. Not a crush, not some infatuation, he was in love. He was madly, over the moon, head over heels in love with Jude.”

Connor’s crying softly, Jude squeezes his hand and they smile warmly at each other.

“And look at him now… he still is.”

Connor looks over at his father. Adam is clearly emotional but at least he’s able to talk. It had been a concern.

“Then… then there’s Jude.” Adam shifts his focus to Jude, the same warm caring look on his face.

“I know that… I know that Jude says that Connor saved him. That might be true b-but… Jude… Jude also saved us.”

Everyone’s silent. Adam exhales and dries his eyes again.

“Connor coming out. Connor finding Jude. C-Connor and Jude loving each other, loving each other the way that they did already back then… it… it showed our family what really mattered. It brought us closer, it… saved us.”

Mia had changed a long time ago but she still felt ashamed of the way she had acted, she knew everyone else had forgiven her and for most parts she had too.

“The best thing has been having the privilege of seeing them… just be together. Always so caring of each other, always respectful, always fighting for each other, always putting the other one first, always… always loving each other. I could not ask for a better partner to my son than you Jude. You are the best thing that has ever happened to him and therefor you’re the best thing that’s happened to our family.”

Jude sniffles and his jaw trembles. Connor comforts him by rubbing his thumb against his hand, the old trick still works every time.

Adam looks up and at the guests again. A lot of handkerchiefs are being put to use.

“I remember all the times Jude was over at our house, after Jude moved to Lena and Stef and they got together and all that. They were so sweet to each other, almost _too_ caring and sensitive. Me and my wife… we used to say that Jude was like an angel.”

Adam pauses, he looks over at Connor and then and at Jude. He smirks and Connor knows that means trouble. Adam looks back at the guests.

“Wow did that opinion change when they started having sex.”

Jude’s eyes go wide. Most of the guests are of course used to Adam’s ways but they still weren’t prepared.

“Connor’s room wasn’t exactly sound proof and… Jesus, the mouth on that one.”

Adam says while pointing at Jude. Everyone laughs, even Stef and Lena even if they feel embarrassed for Jude’s sake. Jude has to let go of Connor’s hand, it’s his turn to hide. He’s dark red in the face. Connor leans over, he’s trying not to smile but it’s difficult.

“Sorry…”

Madison is once again screaming from laughter, it looks like she’s about to fall off her chair. Hannah holds onto her while also laughing.

“Specifics!” She shouts.

Adam chuckles.

“I’m sorry Jude, I had to.”

Jude finally shows his face and Connor is relieved to see he’s smiling. Embarrassed beyond words but smiling. His red face will need time to regain its natural pale skin tone.

“I have many stories to tell you about the two of them, but I’ll save them for later tonight.”

 _Thank god._ Jude and Connor both thought.

“I have one more though.”

_Shit._

“And… I hope this is ok Jude. It’s not an embarrassing one but it’s something from when things were… dramatic.”

Adam takes a moment, without knowing what Adam was going to say Jude nodded to show Adam it was ok.

“I want to say I always knew that Connor and Jude would be together forever, that I knew we were all going to sit here one day. But no, I haven’t always known that. I was sure about how Connor felt about him because I had seen it for a long time. I really had no way of _knowing_ if Jude was as deeply in love as Connor was. But, I have known it for a long time. I knew… the day that… Jude woke up in the hospital.”

Jude gulped and so did Adam. They rarely talked about that time, the bad times, the times when Jude wasn’t safe.

“I think almost all of you here knows the background why Jude was in the hospital that day. Remember that he had been in a coma for weeks when he woke up. My son had made a promise to Jude not to let go of his hand, and because that Connor wasn’t allowed to sleep in Jude’s room I had to hold Jude’s hand while he was unconscious.”

Adam chuckles and sniffles, clearly looking back at a strong memory.

“That’s beside the point I guess but the thing is that I was the one in the room when Jude finally woke up. He had nearly died, his body was high on all the drugs the doctors kept giving him, he had no idea where he was… but can you guess what the first thing he said was?”

They all smiled, they had an idea.

“He asked for Connor. That was the only thing on his mind. Where is Connor.”

Adam closes his eyes, he’s fighting his tears and he’s losing the battle. Jude and Connor are breathless. Adam had never told them this. Jude can’t remember much from that time. He had been under strong medication to reduce the pain.

“See that’s the day I knew. After all that, all that mattered to him was Connor.”

Adam sniffles. He’s quiet for a minute before he continues.

“Thank you Jude, for making my son so happy. I know I’ve always said I can’t wait for you to be my son-in-law. I don’t think the in-law part is necessary, I love you as a son.”

Jude is starting to get tired of himself getting so emotional the whole time. He keeps going from laughter, to crying, to being embarrassed and now back to crying again. He manages to nod at Adam as a thank you.

“Finally I just want to say, welcome as an official member of the family Jude. A toast to the newlyweds!”

Everyone raises their glass.

“And Connor… we got him.” Adam winks at Connor before taking his seat.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_The morning after_

Jude kisses Connor’s chest one more time before he lies down on his side next to Connor who’s lying on his back. Jude plants his left cheek on Connor’s chest while putting his right arm over Connor’s chest, letting his hand play with the strands of Connor’s hair.

Connor’s snickering while holding Jude in his arms.

“I don’t know about you but married sex didn’t disappoint.”

Jude laughs, he’s happy. He’s never been happier.

“Nope, it sure didn’t.”

“Can you believe it Jude? We’re married.”

Jude laughs again and before he can respond Connor speaks again.

“We are married. You are my husband. We are a married couple. Mr. & Mr. Stevens. We’re the Stevens’s. Marital status married-”

Jude chuckles while playing with Connor’s nipple with his fingers.

“I know Connor I know, we are married. It’s…”

“Good? Great? Awesome?”

Jude smiles.

“It’s… perfect. Like you.”

Just like that Jude raises himself up on his elbow, he looks into Connor’s eyes with a serious look on his face.

“You must know that Connor. That you are perfect, you know that right?”

Connor looks fondly at Jude. His husband looks concerned, worried even.

“No I’m not but tha-“

“No Connor you don’t understand. I need you to know that you are… you are… I still need to touch you you know?”

Connor didn’t really know what Jude was talking about.

“Even after all this time… sometimes when I wake up I get so scared that I’ve been dreaming for over 10 years. I have to check that you are real. I need to touch you and every time I do I… I… The moment I understand that you are real and that th-this is my life, a life with you Connor I just don-“

Jude has to stop because he’s starting to cry. He shakes his head and he looks at Connor with tears in his eyes.

“Y-you are perfect Connor I-I-I lo-love you so much.”

Connor puts his arms around Jude again and pulls him down on top of him while hugging him tightly.

“It’s ok baby… it’s ok. I love you too.”

They continue to hug each other for a few moments before Jude lies down on Connor’s chest.

“God I’m sorry, I’m still a mess after yesterday.”

Connor chuckles.

“I know what you mean. I haven’t cried like that since…” Connor trails off. Those days not something he wants to think about now.

“Me neither…”

They lie in silence for a while.

“You really are perfect though Connor… everything about you is perfect.”

“I’m not always perfect.”

“Yes you are.” Jude sounds sure.

”I haven’t always been.”

“Yes you have. Always.” Jude sniffles and kisses the skin his lips reach from his position lying down on Connor’s chest.

Connor laughs slightly.

“Not always…”

It takes a moment for Jude to catch on before he starts to laugh.

“Oh my god Connor, still with this?! It’s been over ten years…”

Connor continues laughing.

“It’s still embarrassing.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_Autumn 2016_

Jude wakes up. He’s lying on his side and Connor is holding an arm around him from behind. Connor is kissing his hair and his neck.

Jude tries to stretch but Connor’s holding onto him too tightly while spooning him.

“Good morning.” Connor says between his kisses.

“Good morning.” Jude snickers when Connor’s kisses tickle him.

Connor plants one last kiss in Jude’s hair before he sighs contently. Jude bites his lip.

“Hey Connor…?”

“Yeah?”

“Umm… you… ok?”

“Yeah… yeah I’m ok. You?”

“I’m ok…”

A minute of awkward silence. Neither one of them knowing what to say. Connor had planned on just kissing Jude the whole day but obviously they needed to talk about it.

Jude turns his head around and looks at Connor before kissing him.

“In fact, I’m great.”

Connor smiles during their kiss. Jude breaks the kiss and turns back around. From behind him Connor says.

“So… I guess we’re not virgins anymore.”

Jude giggles.

“No… I guess not.”

Connor is relieved and so is Jude. Both of them had worried that the other had regretted it, even if they should know better. They had waited a long time making sure the both of them were ready for it.

Jude bites his lip again. He smiles for himself before asking of Connor.

“So… was it better than a paper roll?”

Connor laughs even if he’s a bit embarrassed.

“Yes… much better.”

Suddenly Jude realizes something, his smiling face turns into a worried one.

“Shit you don’t think your parents heard us right?”

“What? No… no we had the door closed. No way they heard anything.”

Jude exhales feeling relieved again. Ignorance was a bliss. In reality Adam was already on his way buying earplugs.

Connor isn’t saying anything for a while so Jude has to ask him.

“Hey, you’re not still thinking about… _that_?”

“Umm…” Connor shrugs, Jude of course can’t see it but he feels it.

Jude turns his body around so that they are lying face-to-face. Connor’s not smiling as much as before. He’s not looking into Jude’s eyes and he looks embarrassed.

“Hey… please don’t… feel bad about it, ok?”

“Ye-yeah… ok.” Connor’s not sounding convincing. Why he even bothers trying to get anything past him Jude will never know.

“Please Connor look at me.”

Jude puts his hand on Connor’s cheek and strokes it.

“It was the first time… ok?”

Connor looks up into Jude’s eyes.

“Yeah I know… but… I still feel bad about it.”

“Don’t. Please don’t Connor. It was amazing.”

Connor chortles.

“Yeah, the best 60 seconds of your life I bet.”

Jude could correct him that it was more like 30 seconds but naturally he doesn’t.

“Stop… don’t say that. Ok it was… fast when you… yeah… but the best part was before all that. It was… romantic. You were so sweet and… perfect.”

Connor gives Jude a half-smile. He had also loved everything about last night. He wanted to do it right, everything was to be perfect and it had been at first.

Jude snickers softly.

“Really Connor. It was almost too perfect. The only thing missing had been you having like rose petals on the bed or something.”

Connor laughs nervously. Good thing he decided at the last minute to hide the rose petals in the closet instead of spreading them over his bed.

Jude can see that his needy boyfriend needs more reassurance.

“Hey, I take it as a compliment. I’m obviously so hot that you can’t control yourself.”

Jude’s jokingly tone did the trick. Connor smiles, genuinely this time. He caresses Jude’s cheek and looks him in the eyes.

“I love you Jude.”

“I love you too Connor.”

After a minute of them just lying there looking at each other Connor says with a smirk.

“You want to take a shower? I can carry you if you can’t walk you know.”

Jude laughs and kisses Connor. Happy that Connor was back to his old self.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

_Back to the bedroom, the morning after the wedding_

“I can’t believe your parents heard us having sex.”

Connor closed his eyes. He had repressed thinking about it.

“Oh god don’t remind me.”

Jude keeps thinking about the day before.

“Despite that, yesterday was perfect. Don’t you think?”

“Best day of my life.” Connor said without missing a beat.

Jude snuggles up into Connor’s embrace. The bed is warm and so is Connor.

“I just wish that Roy could have seen this… could have seen me getting married. He… he would have liked that.”

Connor kisses Jude’s hair.

“Yeah I know. But at least he got to see you, being happy, you know?”

Jude smiles and nods into Connor’s chest.

“Thanks to you.”

Jude remembers something. Something they had agreed not to do until after the wedding.

“Umm… so now that we’re married, I guess we’ll tell everyone?”

“Yeah, I think it’s time. I just hope dad doesn’t kill us for not telling him sooner.”

Jude snickers.

“Can I see it again please. I can’t reach it.”

Connor reaches for the bedside table. He puts his hand on his stomach so both he and Jude can look at the picture.

Jude sniffles.

“He’s beautiful.”

Connor also sniffles before chuckling slightly.

“Jude, he’s a fetus in a womb.”

“I know, but he’s still beautiful.”

Connor kisses Jude’s hair again before he says.

“Good thing Hannah was sober so often at parties when we were younger. I don’t think anyone even asked her about it.”

“I know, and you couldn’t tell when she wore that dress either.”

Jude reaches out and touches the picture provided by the hospital when Hannah had one of her ultrasounds.

“We haven’t decided on a name yet.” Jude says while sniffling from looking at their unborn son.

“I know… you have any ideas?”

“God I don’t know… it’s hard. Have you thought about it?”

Connor had thought about it.

“I kind of like Marvin.”

“Marvin?”

“Yeah, I think it’s a nice name.”

Jude thought about it.

“Umm… yeah… I actually don’t hate it.”

Connor continued.

“So Marvin or… Jacob?”

“Jacob Stevens?”

“Yeah, I mean… I don’t know.”

Jude gulped. He liked that. He didn’t know if he wanted their son to be named Jacob but he liked that Connor had suggested it a whole lot.

They continued with name suggestions, some more serious than others, laughing and loving just being in this moment.

“Hey Jude… are you scared?”

“Yeah… a little. You?”

“I’m terrified.”

Both of them snicker.

“It’ll just be weird you know. It won’t be just… us anymore.”

“It’ll still be us Connor, just us and… more.”

“Yeah I know, but you know what I mean.”

“I do… but honestly I’m not really scared. I… as long as you’re with me… with _us_ … we’ll be more than alright.”

“I feel the same.” Connor holds onto Jude tightly before he speaks again, Jude can hear he’s emotional.

“I’ll fight for him. Like I’ll fight for us.”

Jude sniffles again, looking at the picture and lying in Connor’s arms with him saying things like that was not fair to him.

“I know Connor. I’ll fight for us too, all three of us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From the bottom of my heart, thank you all for reading. 
> 
> You'll find me on tumblr: awesomemarrcusuniverse and/or twitter: @OstlingMarcus
> 
> Never forget Jonnor. 
> 
> PS. You guys re-reading, please make me aware of grammar and spelling mistakes. Don't hesitate to point out sentences/passages that just doesn't sound right to you. Leave a comment on the chapter, dm me on twitter/tumblr or whatever. It will be greatly appreciated. DS.


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